Chapter One : I don't think about you anymore but sometimes I dream
It started slowly at first. A trickle from a leaky spout inside her. The cause unknown but the effects jarring as the time went past. A shift between her and the world surrounding her as the haze dropped from the cloud above down around her settling just thick enough that she couldn't distinguish it anymore and adjusted to it. No one else could see the blurring space between her and them but the distinction in attitude was there.
Not that they could say anything. Not after what had happened to her. Eggshells and glass shards surrounded any conversation that strayed from the normal class topics. Any mention, even the slightest, of the events that had happened in the months prior only made her mood worse. Somber and radiating it's own powerful tension into the air that would make others squirm involuntarily in their seats. The empty space between her and them showing the weight of the missing person. His presence noted though never spoken out loud unless in hushed whispers when she wasn't in ear shot. No one wanted to face the wrath, the pain, the emotional torture of reminding that he was gone.
She did a well enough job of putting on a strong facade but it was obvious through the weariness in her eyes and the leaded motions of her limbs in practice that it was bearing down on her on a subconscious level. When the day broke she wrestled in her sheets, tangled and sweaty unable to fall asleep. Moments of sheer exhaustion would knock her out for an odd hour or two but then it crept back into her...that feeling. Something lurking in the shadows and watching. Something just hesitating in the distance in her dreams. It was never just the devoid rest she wanted and it left her jolting up struggling for breath when it entered her pause of silence heavy in the space empty surrounding her as if it was at a painstaking pace filling up with water to drown her. Her lungs breathing deeply to swallow the panic back down again so it wouldn't take over her bones. Shaking beneath the skin when she knew she had to be strong.
Her life depended on being strong. The lives of her loved ones depended on her being strong. There was no blank slots in her schedule that allowed her any weakness. Not even the moments when she was alone. Those moments mattered most of all. If she let herself go now, she wasn't entirely sure she would be able to stop. If she let those thoughts seep in deeper, if she let herself really collapse into the burrowed sorrow deep inside of her, she would never be able to climb back out. She knew should would let it take over her every waking thought. She'd be wracked with the guilt and the echoing haunting screams that she didn't even remember escaping her raw throat in that moment. Holding his body close to hers and feeling the world disintegrate in her vision and her brain completely detach. She couldn't do it, not now. Not ever, even if it left her a shell of who she used to be inside.
Practice came and went before she knew it the Moroi students were waking up and beginning their school day as she shuffled into the hallways seeking out Lissa. The instinct to be beside her stronger than the depressed melancholy that was hiding in the corners. The small excitement inside of her stamped down a little when she finally found her in the library with Adrian. He was harmless in most respects but his version of how to handle spirit was much different than what Rose wanted for Lissa. She didn't want her off the medication and she didn't want her falling into the vices that Adrian often found himself snuggling up to when the days worked through. They sat with an even more bothered looking Christian who was, suffice to say, even less of a fan of Adrian than most. Rose couldn't blame him, he was rather protective of Lissa and a bit jealous of their unique connection that no one else could understand entirely.
A part of her world that both him and Rose couldn't touch. The ache of loneliness panged and she felt it physically reach through her chest and shoulders as the glimpse of a thought she'd been repressing tried to break the surface. The reminder that even if Lissa was the center of her world, she shared the center of Lissa's life with several other people. The distance between them only growing more as the disconnect in Rose's moods increased. Walking up she noticed them tinkering with potted plants. No one really taking notice of her sitting down at the table except Adrian who looked up at her with a strange glint in his eyes, a flicker of worry if she had to put a name to it. Once she made eye contact with him properly the glimmer was gone and he panned his eyesight back to Lissa but the peculiar energy was already created.
"You have to focus your emotions solely on bringing it back, as if your life depended on it. Here, watch me do it first so you know what I mean."
Lissa opened a slender hand and delicate palm at the wilted flower and stared intently at it. A moment of gut wrenching darkness pulled through Rose's connection with her and the panic floored through her heart again at the worry she would watch Lissa fall into the blackness again and reaching through the emotional tethered she willed the bleak shadows to go away and, like that, they were gone. A fragile second in real time but the toll was immediate on Rose. Whether she noticed it or not, the void had been gone inside of Lissa and she glowed as the flower before her sprung back to life growing the most lovely little blossoms on its thin healthy green branches.
That glance again. Adrian's eyes on Rose as though he was desperately trying to place his tongue on a word that it knew was near but just not there. Rose could only focus on Lissa though, seeing her radiating pure energy that shone through every inch of her in that moment that she brought the flower back to life. A headache creeped behind her left eye pressing down on her sinuses and she felt a twinge as her vision clouded slightly. Perhaps just the weather changing. At least that's what she hoped.
They watched as Adrian made a proper though not as vibrant attempt at pulling his flower back into essence. His frustration obvious but he brushed it off with his usual flippant attitude, not one to let others see into his true feelings.
"Maybe you just have to be the kind of spirit user whose good at it? You're certainly much better than I am at the spirit dreams!"
Lissa's cheery voice trying to encourage him to keep trying.
"Maybe next time, I'm thinking about a hidden corner just out in the courtyard where I can peacefully have a smoke without all the children hovering around."
His signature smirk as charming as ever, even Rose had to admit his lame jokes almost worked when he made that look. Christian shuffled closer to Lissa and started to ask her about a secret rendezvous into the hiding spot they used when they wanted a little peace and quiet.
"How about you my little dhampir? Care to take a walk?"
His tone was casual but the look in his eyes hinted that he wanted to talk about something, alone. The pressure behind her eye building and making the world a little blurrier she was aching to get away from the two love birds as Lissa's emotions started to crawl into the connection, making her feel sick.
"Sure, lead the way. Not like I'm missing much here with these two"
Enraptured in their own whispers and light touches Lissa gave a small goodbye to Rose and then they were off down the halls in awkward silence. Though she was sure Adrian was feeling anything but awkward, she felt unsure of where she stood with him as she felt herself getting more and more curious of what those looks meant from him in the library. Once he'd found a spot deemed worthy of his intention they both sat on a little brick alcove in the wall.
"How are you doing lately?"
It caught her off guard. She was always the one aiming to be caregiver, the one reaching out to protect the others. It was only Dimitri who ever asked her that type of question. Oh. Dimitri. She felt another shot of pain in her chest and a warmth spread as she tried to brush it off. Things were strained to say the least between them. For a brief moment after the...incident she felt a closeness to him she hadn't felt in months but then in the months after it she was shaken back to the reality of their world. He was her senior by several years. He was her teacher. He was someone she could never truly be with. Though she wanted it so badly, she thought of it when she zoned out and remembered their kiss. She shouldn't.
"Hello, earth to Rose?"
Adrian's warm hand pressed down on her shoulder and she jolted from her thoughts.
"Oh...I'm fine. The usual. You know how it is."
She tried to give off a tone of nonchalance to match him but the slight waver in her voice betrayed her as she looked back at him only able to see clearly through one eye. In the muddled left eye she thought she saw something. Something in the shadows just out of her reach. But every time she tried to focus on it, it was gone, leaving nothing but the real world.
"You don't have to lie to me you know. You can tell me in honesty. Not like I have anyone to tell, you don't really see anyone busting down my door for a chit chat."
He chuckled half-heartedly, making sure the length of severity was still there, telling her that he was genuinely concerned. She thought for a moment about actually baring her soul to him in that moment as the clouds swirled in her vision but then the fear of being known, truly known by someone, struck her back from the thought. She had to keep up the facade, she had to keep it tight and locked away with the key buried down deep.
"There's something strange about your color you know. Everyone else I see, they're any variety of colors out there, but you are different. It's so...black. Like you're surrounded by storm clouds. It's enchanting but god, it's really heavy."
He was half way through a clove and making hand motions around her pointing out the aura she couldn't see. It scared her in honest, to hear the description that matched how those secret feelings felt. She couldn't let that be exposed, she couldn't bear the embarrassment of being seen as weak.
"Maybe you need to lay off the smoking, it's probably just the fumes of your chain smoking blocking your view."
It was said as a joke but it was slightly bitter as her real emotions betrayed her.
"Whatever you say dear, but just know you're always welcome to come to me if it gets to be too much."
There was no joking in the sentence. His warm eyes locked with hers, intense and unflinching.
"I should get going…"
It was getting too serious for her liking and he shrugged a goodbye as she grabbed her backpack back up and made her way back to her dorm as quickly as she could without seeming like she was running away. The alarm was ringing signaling the end of the school day and since she knew that Lissa was well occupied, she locked into her room and slumped down onto her bed closing her eyes to welcome sleep. Time moved at a speed she could no longer keep track of but she knew her body was longing for that unknown sleep.
But it didn't come. Just as always, it never came. And then she had a thought. One she knew she probably shouldn't have. There was always one way she knew to force her body to relax. Sliding off the bed she reached under her bed desperately grasping for a box she had hidden well beneath piles of crumpled clothes. And then she had it. The strong smell burning her nostrils as she twisted off the sealed lid. It'd been so long since she had thought to come back to her old routines of the party life. Did it even count if she was just by herself and it was something between her and the old school walls?
With the curtains drawn no light could filter through except for a thin line along the top that gave her a sliver of a view of the pattern of the ceiling. Drink after drink after drink after drink. Deliberate and paced but still in a languid sort of rush. A forced and pleading attempt to feel that hollow and blank sleep come over her so that she could rest for once. At the least, she wanted to be free of the pressure in her head but at the moment that something bigger...that something bigger that pulled at her constantly. She chuckled lowly to herself thinking that she'd be a bit brash to judge Adrian earlier when she was feeling herself start to understand him and why he'd found such a comfort in things like this. Sometimes the ends justifies the means when it permitted you the solitude that you need.
Going backward, spiraling, she felt herself sliding further as her back slipped from the bedside to the cold floor. She couldn't even feel the chill though as the burn of the liquor warmed her entire body, sloshing around her stomach bringing a smile to her lips for the first time in months. The warmth of the sun line on the ceiling glowing like his orange hair used to. The pain was there, oh god it was there. Her eyes slamming tight shut to push away that thought. Not now. No, not now. Not ever.
And she was out in a short time. The bottle near gone but she was out and flailing her arm around to pull down the blanket from her bed as she couldn't find the strength to even stand up to get up on the bed. The floor was just as well, she knew she would feel the regret of this choice as soon as she was awake again. Was there something bigger? She couldn't find it in this moment, she could find nothing but the empty black space of sleep as she faded into the twilight of her drunken state. It was what she was looking for all these weeks, this was the moment that she'd been holding onto finding. Something bigger.