Trigger warnings for this chapter: brief mention of self-harm, some recounting of traumatic events (especially in the flashback scene in the beginning).
Long time no see! Don't worry, I've been taking these last few months to write this chapter and the next one; the next one is still being worked on diligently by yours truly, but I'm trying to make it good.
I decided to divert from Tesoro, to Stella in this chapter since she is dealing with her own pains from the same issues. Both of them went through hell and then crawled back out of it, and while Stella may deal with it better than Tesoro does, she still suffers, memories don't go away so easily, especially ones from such traumatic events.
I wanted to keep this chapter just as descriptive and rich as the previous; and also to give everyone a bit of a break from the constant heaviness. There are some heavy bits here and there in this chapter, but it isn't a constant.
Can't say the same for the next chapter, it's gonna be a doozy.
Her voice was so calming. Every time I went to see her she never failed to make me feel like I was able to do anything I put my mind to. I would be a bloody mess at times when I went to visit, but I would be smiling through it all. She was the first human being to give me the time of day; she took interest in me, cared about me when I was hurt, and treated me kindly.
Stella gifted me with humanity and compassion, in a place where such things were scarce. I would do anything to be able to tell her how much she truly meant to me, to go back in time and save her and myself from the hell we both suffered. It should've been me. I swear to god, and I mean it, I should've been the one to die, not her. To this very day if I could bring her back simply to change fate, I would die in a heartbeat; I would do it to myself if it meant Stella could have a fulfilling, happy, and joyous life; like she deserved.
Sometimes I don't understand the cruelty of fate and why it chose me to keep on living, I really don't; I know for a fact that the mark bestowed upon my flesh from the world nobles is well deserved, I'm much less than human: worthless, useless, a lost cause, unloveable, pathetic, and simply a waste of a warm body. My mother was correct in saying that I wasn't good for anything, and that I shouldn't have been born. All I did was take up space in our little home, another mouth to feed, another money-siphon just like my idiot bastard of a father. Nothing more.
-GT- Journal Entry 4
Approximately Ten Years Ago. Somewhere in the New World...
What's the point? Who cares, right? Who the hell cares about one woman? In the heaps of people that move through this world, coming and going, being born and then returning to the dirt in the cycle of life, who cares about one single speck?
Why do the black wings of agony always befall those who are compromised? They have nothing to prove, no negative intent; they just want to live like everyone else. In the end they just feel alone, more so than most...
The hoof of the soaring dragon, she couldn't see it, but it's presence on her back did not need visual confirmation, nor did she want to make herself look at it. It had been what, seven years since Mariejois was attacked? Yet, not a damn day goes by where Stella tries to live like nothing happened, to forget about all of the marks, both physical and mental, visible and invisible to the eye, and move on. But it's so hard to pretend.
She had been lucky enough to meet a few kind people a while back who let her live with them. After she escaped, she was homeless and wandering around, defending herself, forced to remain in a state of survival. When her now friends first found her, she begged for a place to stay, told them about her circumstance, even showed them the brand to prove it; they didn't hesitate to assist. The two Good Samaritans in question were a couple, a man and woman both slightly older than Stella, and newly married. They went above and beyond to help her: got her medical attention, bought her new clothes, fed her, and made room for her in their home. Stella was now in her own small home, but she lives close by to the couple, as she considers them family.
She couldn't help but to reminisce on the kindness she was given as she sat upon her bed, covers unkempt and shades drawn. If she didn't focus on the kindness, then she had nothing worth thinking about. Stella was sat with her legs close to her chest, arms resting on her knees; her deep blue eyes focused in on the scarred flesh of her lower right arm. Eyes followed the lines in her flesh until they stopped at the white bandages covering her wrist.
It was difficult to not feel guilty after watching human beings die in front of her; she internalized it to the point where she treated herself as if she had a hand in their deaths. And Stella witnessed many, many deaths; so the guilt piled on, as high as that body count.
"It hurts so much..." She whispered. She referred to many things, not just that permeable, constricting guilt. She silently began to cry, "...what did I do to deserve it?"
Her crying gradually devolved into sobs, grieving the time she had lost within the confines of a literal hell. All the missed opportunities, memories that could have been, the friends she could have made, missed holidays, the quiet overlooked moments people take for granted; listening to your breathing, watching grass blow in the breeze, the clouds float by in the bright blue sky, looking into Tesoro's eyes-
-"Tesoro..."
Stella's memories of him caused her to cry harder, clenching her fists unconsciously and squeezing her eyes closed.
He visited her every single day after they first met, and over time she slowly found herself falling in love with him; his awkwardness around her, the reassuring and kind words he offered, his nigh unflinching promise to free her and protect her from any harm, the way he blushed when he commented on how pretty her eyes were, his soft yet boyish smile, and his singing. Tesoro's singing calmed every nerve in her body, pushed every fear back into the darkness whence it arose from, and gave her such an abundance of happiness that it was nearly indescribable.
She missed him so much.
Stella clung on to his memory so desperately, going back to it when she was having bouts such as this one. But then she drifted into thought of the 'what if?' scenarios, and the much different life she could be living right now. A life together with him.
It caused her heart rate to speed up exponentially and she went into a slight panic. Standing up and resting a hand on to her mattress for support, she tried to allow the panic to pass, but it kept mounting until she couldn't physically take the anguish; her orange-blonde hair covered her face partially, head hung in fear, cheeks wet with tears, and lungs scarce of oxygen.
It built and built until the pressure was too much for her to conceal under such strict lock and key; she slammed her right hand violently against the wall, repeated the action as aching, angry screams scraped the flesh from her throat. Every wrong thrust upon her, every scar, bruise, blemish, sprain, slap, kick, etc. the rage she held back in long stretched out intervals, bellowed out through her wailing; expelled into the atmosphere, bounced off the walls of her bedroom, and then left to dissipate into nothingness.
Stella's right hand was numb, her throat felt scratchy and irritated; and her head now pounded with the force of ten thousand drums; releasing this tension didn't make her feel any better, it did quite the opposite, in fact. Her bandaged wrist began to bleed once more as the fairly fresh wounds opened up from the force applied to her hand; she didn't care, it was cleaned and wrapped so what was the difference if it bled again?
Resting her forehead against the cold, bleak wall, her mind wandered back to Tesoro; the insurmountable care he showed her, it was more than anyone else had ever given to her, and it was genuine. So genuine in fact, that she wanted to reach into her memories just to retrieve the feeling. He never knew how much she loved him, and just how much Stella wanted to be free after they crossed paths. But after they were separated, and now in the present, laying back in her bed with a bloody bandaged wrist and tear stained pillow, she was once again, gravely alone.
Present Day, Aboard Gran Tesoro...
There was a deep, deep yearning in her chest, reminiscent of heartache, when Tesoro revealed his crimes and their magnitude to her. How could she look past it? This isn't some accident that is done once and then it's all back to normal, no; Tesoro ruined lives intentionally, and for his own gain. But last night she was able to confirm for herself that the pain and remorse Tesoro feels is genuine. He does genuinely care and wishes to atone. It almost feels like she is going against her own morals, but, at the same time she really isn't. She could overthink herself to death.
For the time being, Stella needed to tend to herself; focus on other things that bring her happiness and comfort to keep herself sane throughout these numerous changes and fluctuations in her midst.
Stella got changed into casual dress wear: a blue sundress, flats, and a light coat, as the breeze of the ocean puts the air on the cooler side. She greatly enjoyed being outdoors when she felt able enough to go out; the feeling of the warm sun gently kissing flesh, amidst cool breezes carried upon the waves of the ocean was a welcoming sensation. It was nice to be out in the sunlight after that morning's events. It drained her emotionally, and made her think about herself; she wanted to tell Tesoro that she understood what he was feeling; self-hatred within ex-slaves of Celestial Dragons, she surmised, would be quite common, the problem is that there's not many living ex-slaves to begin with. Aside from the Fisher Tiger attack, not many are lucky enough to escape from captivity; she has seen what happens to those who try firsthand, and is absolutely certain Tesoro has seen it as well. And those who have escaped are changed people; most, from what she has read, usually take their lives because the anguish of their suffering is too great to live with. Nonetheless, all those who escaped that day were incredibly lucky, and she makes sure to never forget that. Life granted her a second chance; regardless of the physical and mental scars she must cope with on a daily basis, the night terrors that plague her sleep, the depression and sometimes eerie feelings of hopelessness that overcome her at times, she's grateful to have escaped.
Walking through the still empty and barren streets of Gran Tesoro, she took an opportunity to do what she does very well; observe. Take in her surroundings, attempt to get a lay of the land, so to speak. It would definitely help due to the massive scale of the floating city.
What took her off guard, ironically enough, was seeing a few folk on the opposite side of the street. Her eyes widened for a moment, then faded when the three individuals waved to her as they passed; she waved back, thinking:
Are there new employees onboard already?
The three individuals looked as if they were either off duty, or on break, and all had matching uniforms; most definitely coworkers. They seemed to be having a great time though, which made Stella inwardly beam with happiness. She didn't fully understand why there were already new employees on the ship, but she could tell that they seemed to be newcomers, because they were looking around with as much awe and amazement as she. They were excited to be working here.
"Miss Stella!" She jumped slightly from hearing her name; it came from across the street; first she thought it was one of the workers, but obviously that wouldn't make any sense. Her deep blue eyes flicked to the direction the voice came from, and she saw it was Baccarat; Tesoro's red-haired Concierge.
"Oh, hello Baccarat!!" She made her way across the barren street to meet up with her, the two women shared a quick hug.
"How's everything been?"
"It's been alright, trying to settle myself; Gran Tesoro is absolutely massive!"
"It's definitely a larger-than-life place, but once you've been here for a while you'll know Gran Tesoro like the back of your hand!" The two women shared a laugh. Stella was still thinking about those employees that passed by, she figured it couldn't hurt to ask.
"Those people that walked by a few moments ago, are they new workers?"
"Yes they are! I was actually helping oversee their training just now; they're off taking a break, probably going to get brunch."
"That's great news! When do you think Gran Tesoro will be open to the public again?" She was honestly quite curious because she wanted to have a look around while the place was fully functioning, just to see everything in motion.
"Well that's not my call, but it's probably gonna take a while to begin with. We gotta bring in a lot of people in order to get at least ten percent of Gran Tesoro up and running again."
"Wow, you guys are gonna have a lot to keep up with. I know it's not much, but if you need any help I'd be willing to lend a hand."
"Oh no no, you just take time to relax! We'll manage!"
Baccarat insisted. She, Dice, and Tanaka were more than capable to handle such a massive task, and with Tesoro at the helm, it's all the more simple. The man was very organized when it came to business practices; he planned out things far in advance, kept everything on a tight schedule and followed it to a T. Majority of the time his depression was high-functioning enough to be able to get out of bed and follow his schedules and make the occasional public appearance. Emphasis on majority of the time; there were the instances that both Stella and Baccarat knew of, where his mental anguish would become so debilitating that he would linger from behind the scenes, left as a simple Geist forced to roam within his purgatory.
"But anyway, how is Tesoro? He's been feeding us instructions through another co-worker of mine, for the most part."
Stella didn't want to lie, especially because he's Baccarat's boss. The momentary pause let up and she simply told things how they were.
"I'm honestly not too sure. He's been very distant, that leads me to believe that he's struggling a bit."
"Has he been holing up in his quarters?"
"Yeah. He stays in there and keeps to himself."
The concierge sighed, "Yeah, that's a common thing he tends to do when he's going through a particularly difficult time. It usually passes, so hopefully Tesoro will be up again soon."
The two women continued conversing as they walked in step with each other along the gold sidewalks, shining in the ocean sunlight. Stella felt a slight unease, now being able to confirm that this was normal for Tesoro, and his struggles are, at least in part, known by some of his subordinates. Her unease grew with every step she took; how did he function? It was very worrisome to her; and made her feel like she needed to make sure he was okay right then and there.
Living in a stagnant pool of despair and depression slowly chips away at anyone's fortitude; the simple fact that Tesoro has been submerged in such a place for nearly twenty years without reaching out for help was extremely disturbing. Stella couldn't help to quickly graze over the thought of just how he was still alive; how could anyone live like that? Sealing off the worst things that have happened to you without processing them, not allowing yourself to feel what needed to be felt, to grieve, to cry, to scream, to just feel.
"Hey, you okay?"
Stella heard Baccarat's kind voice pierce her ears with a slight air of concern; she was getting herself worked up.
"Yeah, I'm fine; just a little worried about Tesoro."
"I understand; he's quite outgoing and enjoys the spotlight, but at the same time he can be very solitary. He likes the quiet just as much as he loves to hear crowds cheering his name."
Stella took in what Baccarat said and was somewhat confused.
Does she not know about Tesoro's past?
Either way she could tell that Baccarat meant no harm in attempting to reassure her; the red-haired woman seemed very kindly and wanted to bring her some peace of mind.
"You want to grab some lunch with me? It'll help you take your mind off of things! I'm feeling a bit peckish after that training shift."
"I'd be happy to tag along!"
There were no shortages of places to eat, there were a few on every block in downtown Gran Tesoro; but a small cafe did just fine for them. They had a light brunch; Baccarat had her tea and a sandwich, and Stella wasn't too hungry, so she settled for some refreshing ice cold water, fruit, and picked at the scones Baccarat ordered for them for the time being.
The little cafe was a quiet find on the ship, it wasn't overly extravagant or pimped out to attract flagrantly wealthy folk; it was more so a place that Tesoro's subordinates liked to frequent, mainly because there weren't a lot of loud boisterous wealthy charlatans to deal with. It was their place to get away from that; and Tesoro & Carina's as well. Tesoro was never one for caffeinated beverages, as hard as it is to believe; but he knew that he would crash consistently, and didn't want to grow a dependency towards coffee. Carina enjoyed a latte here and there, but she, as well as Tesoro, mainly liked to drink tea.
The brisk afternoon atmosphere began to settle in through the large windows of the cafe, the rich mahogany flooring sparkled ever so softly from the sheen of it's freshly polished coating. It was a homely little place. A hideaway, even, from the usually present hustle and bustle of Gran Tesoro.
"Has Tesoro told you much about his past?"
The orange-blonde haired woman was devilishly curious, but she vowed not to say anything that Baccarat does not already know about. Stella figured that Tesoro may have muttered bits and pieces, but most definitely not his entire past.
"Not much; I knew about you and how you were separated from one another. The few times he spoke of you to us, he held you in the highest regard; got a little outwardly emotional too. I and the others knew not to ask further because of how much it bothered him."
She figured as much; it made sense. Stella allowed the smallest ounce of a smile to appear when Baccarat reminisced on how Tesoro, ever the romantic, spoke of her with piety and grace; as if she were a goddess to genuflect and show respect towards.
"Why? Are you afraid he may have said something you didn't want him to say?"
Stella shook her head gently, "No. I just know he's been through some stuff and wanted to know if he even divulged anything to you. There are a lot of things from his past that he would much rather not bring up."
Stella's tone was serious, indicating to the red-haired concierge to let the subject go.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off as rude in that regard."
Baccarat was an extremely perceptive woman; able to pick up emotions based on people's body language and facial expressions; a skill she developed from her concierge position after years and years of guiding folks around. It was something she subconsciously honed earlier on in her life from growing up in less-than-suitable circumstances, and she then was able to utilize it as she guided, and previously helped swindle, gullible VIP's.
She could tell that the simple mention of Tesoro's past made Stella deeply uncomfortable. She partially shielded her mouth with her hand as it rested upon her chin, and briefly looked away from her, both actions indicating to Baccarat that she was internally closing off.
"Oh no it's fine Baccarat; It's just an extremely sensitive ordeal to him, and to me as well. I was just curious, so no harm no foul."
Regardless of Stella reassuring her, the discomfort was still partially written in her deep blue eyes. Baccarat knew better than to do any sort of nosy prying of her own. She was more worried than anything else.
She took a quick sip of her tea, "Stella, I'm not trying to make friends only because you have a previous history with Tesoro, or because I feel I need to because of your closeness with him. I've been told enough to know that you're a genuine and sweet woman. I want to be able to help both you and Tesoro in any way I can; also, if you ever need to have girl talk and just get away for a bit, I'm gonna be here!"
"I never got a bad vibe from you; but it's very difficult for me to trust people, so I appreciate you telling me that."
Baccarat flashed a gentle yet no less radiant smile towards her as she idly stirred her tea with the teaspoon provided at the table.
"Of course, I very much understand; I've been told enough to know that what the two of you went through was extremely traumatizing. I don't know a lot of the details and if you and Tesoro don't want it to be shared, I will respect that. I just want to help."
The air in the room settled as if the earth itself took a refreshing exhale, dispersing cool, relaxing oxygen into the atmosphere. The deep blue sky welcoming Stella's curious eyes as she quickly glanced out the window of the small cafe, and the sun, although out of plain view, it's warmth was presence enough; heating the glass so if anyone were to touch the window panes it would be comfortably warm. This was peace, an outward feeling that was viciously foreign to Stella; not having to watch her back or check every corner. Different from the inner peace she still had to remind herself to aim towards every day; but the eyes she felt constantly watching her were gone. The sensation of something tirelessly staring her down just out of her view, that sensation had disappeared.
Amongst the few new staff that had found the place for a quick bite, Baccarat and Stella were now clearing up their table and getting ready to leave.
"I'm not scheduled for another training session for a couple hours; if you'd like, I can give you a little tour of Gran Tesoro, to help you get situated!"
Stella nodded, outwardly excited to get a VIP tour of Tesoro's mighty creation! She wished he could be the one to give her the tour though, but she wouldn't fuss about it. Tesoro's night was very rough, and she wanted to befriend Baccarat & pick her brain a little more.
She gave Stella a typical baseline rundown of Gran Tesoro, first by calling one of the luxurious Turtlemobiles to drive her around in. Stella was amused by the small muscle turtles working ever so diligently to power the car, one even stopped to wave at the two ladies, and stuck out a tiny reptilian limb to shake their hands. "The muscle turtles are in an exceptionally good mood today! We notified them about changes as well, but since they don't get paid in cash, they're going to be compensated in extra fruit and pampering for their hard work. Right guys?!"
"TUR-TLE!" The eight muscle turtles powering the car shouted in unison.
Baccarat cruised downtown Gran Tesoro, giving Stella the general rundown: major locations, department stores, grocery shops, high end boutiques, and briefly gave her some info about the Reioro. There are too many places aboard the massive floating structure to run down individually mapped out places, even in groups or multitudes. But Baccarat has done this hundreds upon hundreds of times, the VIP tour circuit was now as routine and ingrained into her muscle as brushing her teeth every day.
"Gran Tesoro is the world's largest entertainment city! We're equipped with amenities like an aquarium, a golf course, a theater, a Ferris wheel, and our world famous hotel, the Reioro!"
She also enjoyed watching the faces of new VIP's as they went around the massive vessel, it made Baccarat's job a little more fun. Obviously beforehand she was helping Tesoro cheat them out of their money, but now she gets to help visitors to have a truly fun and exciting visit. A quick glance over to Stella in the passengers seat and she was able to tell that something was amiss; she was trying to enjoy herself and experience the frivolities and views offered upon the floating paradise, but, something was wrong. Something was eating at Stella every so often because she was very excited to get the VIP tour when they first started. Baccarat would wait to say anything or until she said something first; she finally had the opportunity to give patrons an exciting experience and she can't seem to accomplish that with someone Tesoro deeply cares about. That should've been easy. Nonetheless Baccarat kept up her people pleasing attitude as she continued around Gran Tesoro, the turtle mobile crossing over into the luxurious district, wind blowing softly through both women's hair; she heard Stella puff out an exhale, from Baccarat's indication it seemed as though she was trying to relax, which was good.
The red haired woman still couldn't shake the feeling to try and help her out, at least to talk it out if Stella would allow it. For now she would leave her be and finish up the tour early. It was a short twenty minute tour showing Stella basic locations and landmarks to help her pinpoint her location around the vessel.
Baccarat cut the tour down a bit; choosing not to go over small details or individual places, as that was something she felt Tesoro should do with Stella instead. The Turtlemobile pulled up at the Reioro, Baccarat parked right in front, Stella thanked both Baccarat and the eight Muscle Turtles for showing her around, and both women went inside, conversing lightly along the way.
"Can I share some things with you?" Stella began first. She was much quieter than before, voice hushed as if she wanted none other than Baccarat to hear, regardless of the Reioro already being a ghost town.
"Yes, of course!"
"I can -" Stella paused to sigh, "- I can trust you, right?"
"One hundred percent." Baccarat stated matter of factly. She got a different vibe from Stella now, as if she has been hurt; the woman looks slightly upset. Something felt wrong.
But Baccarat understood Stella's pained expression after she began to divulge to the concierge; many things, ugly things that she kept hidden deep down in the darkest recesses of her mind. Agony; sheer and violent. Stella hid all of it so well behind her kind smile, and Baccarat allowed Stella to finish speaking as she placed a gloved hand over her own mouth. It was now her turn to hold back sadness from the intense pain Stella had shared.
"Please don't tell anyone what I just told you; please."
"I won't, Stella. I promise…" Baccarat had almost no words to communicate with; she just couldn't, she didn't want to say anything else. It felt almost disrespectful.
"… I'm so sorry." That was all she could manage.
Stella couldn't cry, she felt the tremble in her chest, in her throat, but her ability to cry for herself was simply not there at the point in time; when Baccarat silently let a few tears slip from her eyes, she cried for her. Stella has pitied herself for years, cried for hours and hours on end to the point where it appeared as though it would never stop. A consistent feeling of sheer misery that ate away any other emotion in her body like a hungry tapeworm, gluttonously devouring any semblance of happiness or positivity, and leaving her starved in the process. She'd wake up every day going through the same process; programmed to suffer by her captors, to feel fear, to be looked down upon by everyone she were to ever cross paths with.
Seeing Stella's inability to react in any way to her own past caused Baccarat to embrace her in a hug. Stella accepted it hesitantly, "Please don't break my trust."
"I swear to you, no one will hear a word of this. It's not my place to tell anyone of what you've been through; but, thank you for entrusting me with it. Your story is safe with me."
Baccarat got ahold of herself, she didn't want to make Stella any more uncomfortable than she currently was. Her efforts in clearing her throat echoed slightly through the empty casino halls; the gold cascading the all too familiar warm yellow shine onto everything the light touched. That atmosphere helped to ease both women's anxiety, at least.
"I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to get so emotional. You're obviously familiar with the Reioro, so I'll leave you to find your room."
"Before you go, I actually wanted to talk briefly about Tesoro again."
The concierge's brows raised, "What is it that you want to know about him?" Both women sat down at a nearby cards table, looks like it was used for poker or blackjack; they sat next to each other and faced one another, Baccarat crossing her legs. her signature black backless dress popped in the stark contrast of the bedazzled room.
"Has any of his behavior concerned you?"
Baccarat stopped to think, "There have been instances where he seemed off, and yes, I've felt the need to ask if he was okay. But that man is inherently stubborn; doesn't like accepting help from anyone, even on fear of death itself."
That makes a lot of sense. Stella thought. He's having a hard time hiding his pain, and when confronted about it, he buries it back down. It unfortunately made too much sense, Tesoro can't keep hiding it away like that or one day he's going to snap; guilt and pain piling high on weak and weary shoulders are predestined to give way to lighten the load. It's too much, and it's so painfully obvious to her; he looks tired, always seems upset, doesn't want help, doesn't want to be a burden.
"In private as well? Because I can understand how in public it can be hard to lower one's defenses."
"Oh yes," Baccarat continued on, "he is more prone to allowing his anxieties to bleed out, but he vehemently refuses help. My fellow associates and I never try to push back, because hearing him raise his voice is one of the more upsetting things we've seen. Tesoro isn't quick to anger, but when he reaches that point, it's hard to watch and listen to."
Stella was somewhat taken aback; she never saw him act out in a way such as Baccarat described, save for the day they were separated. Before she could respond, Baccarat corrected herself, her piercing green eyes looking up inquisitively, as if to recall a memory.
"It isn't really anger, per se. Tesoro does become upset, but it's like, anger mixed with pain. More accurately he gets frustrated. He doesn't start acting out or become violent; in fact its the opposite. He closes off, needs to be away from everyone. With myself and his three other close associates Tesoro is very much reluctant to raise his tone to us. The man thinks he's this untouchable figure, but he still has a heart somewhere in there, as much as he tries to tell himself that he doesn't."
That hurt Stella more than anything else Baccarat had previously stated about him. He's putting himself at a distance from everything, whether it be from feeling superior over others or from how he was treated in the past; either way he didn't seem to be able to fully compartmentalize why people would want to reach out to him. Only reason Stella could conclude to was that Tesoro thought he was about to be hurt, so he pushed away everyone who went to help him; even Stella, at times. Yes he allowed her to help him during his panic attack, but as soon as he regained his bearings he began to distance himself. She could not fault him for acting in such a way, though. It seemed to be a survival instinct left from his time as a slave. Physically and emotionally letting people in, to Tesoro, was like allowing burglars to rob your home while you watched. He was protecting the only home he ever knew, in this sense; his own living, breathing body.
It was also painful to Stella knowing what Baccarat did not; his apprehension to open himself up to Stella specifically out of guilt, out of shame for being unable to protect her, and for what he's done.
He really thought himself as some kind of monster.
Tesoro, please let me in ... I know what it feels like to be afraid.
"Usually when he tells us to not worry about it, I'd like to believe that he's okay, but I know better; the others know better. I wish he would allow us to help."
Stella nodded in understanding, "Same here. He's been closing off to me as well; going so far as being unable to look at me, and that hurts so much." The orange-blonde haired woman rested her index and middle fingers on her forehead in a show of stress; her elbow leaning on the table as she allowed the two fingers to gently massage that side of her forehead; pressing softly against her skull to try and dull the headache she felt coming on.
"I don't know if you'd have any information on something like this -" Stella exhales another breath as if to prepare herself for the possible answer, "but do you know if Tesoro has ever hurt himself; intentionally?"
Baccarat's brows furrowed, and it was her turn to puff out an exasperated exhale as she very briefly pinched the arch of her nose; her own stress showing.
"I honestly have no information about that, but, it would make sense. I've seen scars on his arms and wrists, but I figured they were from whatever he went through; I never even considered that he would do that to himself."
Baccarat felt like she was between a rock and a hard place: if Tesoro were doing that to himself, he would never allow anyone to get him help. The thought of what could happen scares her deeply. She owed a lot to Tesoro; bringing her in, giving her the job she has, and even lending an ear to her own issues. She came from a similar background as he & Stella; poor and a not so great home life. That's why when Stella divulged to her of her past, she couldn't hold back her urge to cry.
"I'm sorry to ask such a loaded question, but, as you've been able to tell from back at the cafe, I'm extremely worried about him; I feel as though he's been suffering ever since we were separated from each other, and I can't allow him to hurt any more."
Baccarat nodded, a gentle smile forming. "You love him."
She knew the two of them had something going on, but she couldn't blurt it out to Tesoro; she figured Stella would be the better person to ask, as she seems more willing to open up to her. But the concierge was able to figure it out by her boss's mannerisms alone, seeing how Stella behaved towards Tesoro just confirmed the fact. Tesoro spoke of Stella - no, not simply spoke of her, he sang about her; praised her. Gentle, soft words falling from his tongue; hymns of reverence and gratitude escaped him when he would ever vaguely bring up Stella. Only good things, affectionate and sentimental. Regardless of Tesoro not bringing up Stella very much, he definitely wasn't quiet about his undying love for her; his stage show being named The Gold Stella Show of all things.
"So much. He's all I have left; all I ever had, for that matter. I don't want to lose him again." Her voice trembled, but she did not cry. But, unlike when she spoke of her own struggles to Baccarat a few moments ago, speaking of Tesoro made it difficult to hold back her emotions.
Every time she's reminded of the fact that she could've lost him forever it overwhelms her, nearly to tears. The things she remembers him doing for her, the very small bits he shared about his home life, how he eventually ran away, and how that was the reason he had so much time to spend with her, because he didn't have anywhere else to go. He came to her for peace, for a hiatus from the struggles of living on the street. Just to see Stella, that helped Tesoro to make it through another day.
And Stella, to see that young man return every day, to keep her company, to try and help her. One person out of the swaths of individuals that passed by that human shop actually cared enough to stop and look at her like a human being, instead of like a piece of meat being displayed for purchase. She reminded herself of Tesoro's kindness every day; even after she was stripped of humanity and the happiness was beaten out of her, she never forgot about Tesoro.
"What scares me the most," Stella continued on, "is that he seems to be pushing me away too. I know exactly why, and it's killing me."
"I understand how that's affecting you; not to the same caliber, but I understand the helplessness you're feeling when Tesoro says that he's fine, and it's so blatantly obvious that he isn't. Like reaching out to catch smoke in the palm of your hand; it just feels futile."
Baccarat couldn't have made a better analogy. Stella gently fiddled with the collar of her light blue sundress as she attempted to quell the stagnant anxiety she had sitting in the pit of her stomach.
"At some point, you should go to him; try to talk about these concerns. He won't listen to any of us, and because he cares so much about you, you might be able to get through to him better than we can. You have a special connection with that stubborn man."
The concierge cracked a gentle smile, and Stella smiled back in response to the jibe. He was absolutely as stubborn as a mule and she knew that well; it was an odd comfort to know that some things didn't change.
Baccarat continued:
"I think I'll leave you on that note. I apologize for cutting the tour a bit short, but I felt in this case it wasn't right for me to be giving you the full VIP tour; in this instance, he should be doing it for you; and I'm absolutely sure he shares the same sentiment. After all, you're undoubtedly his most important guest."
Stella felt like recognition such as that wasn't fitting of her. She shouldn't be held upon this pedestal above other people; Stella was no more important than any of the other guests that passed through Gran Tesoro.
Baccarat extended her arms out gently, "Have a hug." and such a kind gesture from another person hadn't felt this sincere in a long time.
"If you need anything don't hesitate to let me know; I'm looking out for both you and Tesoro; okay?"
"Yeah; thank you so much Baccarat."
The Reioro seemed barren in a different sense at the moment; it felt cold, as if things were lurking in people's blind spots. Stella felt it prickle her skin and it gave her slight chills; it was only late afternoon as she had settled
back within the luxurious hallways of the massive hotel. Her interaction with Baccarat, while very welcome and positive, wore her down mentally; she wanted to recharge.
Stella found herself doing so quite often after she regained her freedom; it was harder for her to be around others, even worse if they were strangers. Human interaction became a chore and it always felt easier to hole up somewhere and isolate; she was so used to it already that being free and out in the open felt horrifying. Stella was glad to have her freedom, but, what was she to do now? This big wide world is full of so much, good and bad; where did she begin? Who would help her? Where to go?
That was a big challenge at first, getting used to normal human interaction again; she still isn't sure if it will ever feel completely normal to her once more, but anything to break behaviors formed from that trauma is good enough for her.
Before heading to her room she wanted to see if Tesoro was up; she took a small stroll around at first on the lower floors, just to clear her mind, then headed back up to the floor their rooms were on. She figured he would be up, but simply keeping to his quarters. It was late afternoon Walking in the empty hallways, she was able to hear the small heels of her flats softly hit the golden floor, creating the tiniest bit of an echo. It seemed like any emission of sound echoed in the halls, the rustling of clothes, the clearing of her throat, all of it traveled audibly through the emptiness.
Even the elevator had an odd echo as she arose to her floor, not as noticeable, but still present for Stella to pick up on it. The machinery carrying the car upwards deafened her momentarily within the silence; another thought came to mind, a sobering one at that:
Seeing Gran Tesoro suffer like Tesoro himself suffers is an almost cruel irony. A lonely floating city in a bustling world full of excitement. These streets were not made to be empty, just as Gild Tesoro was not born to be isolated. Observing it being forced upon him, by his own doing no less, felt wrong, almost disturbing.
If she could be selfish for a moment in time, Stella wanted ever so desperately to see Tesoro smile a genuine smile, content and full of warmth; radiating brighter than the sun, brighter than any supernova could ever yearn to be. She wanted to see him as the star he said he'd become: an entertainer with a golden voice. Stella knew that Tesoro still had such qualities of course, and was very pleasant on the eyes. Yet again, so selfishly, she wanted him for herself; not in a voracious greedy way, no; Stella wanted to finally have him in her arms, to tell this man the words that she is very sure he has never heard in his life, she desperately wanted to feel his warm skin, just to know that he's alive and breathing in front of her. She wanted him in privacy, in the moments where he could be himself, where he didn't have to put on a show or fake an emotion.
It sent a shockwave of pain to her core to see him pull away from her touch; yet while she understands why & knows it's from a place of trauma, it no less upsets Stella.
Tesoro is pushing away too harshly; doesn't want anyone to see what's going on and would rather sit and suffer in that pit of pain than go through the embarrassment of letting others know about it.
He acknowledges his need for help, but won't let help get too close in fear of sucking others into this vortex of atrocity.
Stella, at the very least, needs to assist him in pushing past that first barrier. And Baccarat was very much correct: Talking always opens new avenues, and she was the best bet to get Tesoro to realizing that he is allowed to ask for help from other people.
You acknowledged that you need help, now let us help you. Let me help you now.
Many, many, years ago…
"Hey Stella!"
The young woman flinched. Today was a humid and somewhat uncomfortable day; being forced to sit out in the large cage connected to the human shop was not pleasant on a regular day, but on days like this it was all the more unbearable. Stella was trying desperately to block out the mugginess of the humidity, mostly by dozing off or daydreaming. She allowed her guard to lower when she saw the familiar face on the other side of the human shop's bars. Gild Tesoro.
Finally, she got to smile again.
"Hi Tesoro! What have you been up to?"
The young man blushed lightly at getting to see Stella's lovely smile once more.
"Well I found another job, so I'll be able to make more money to get you outta here!"
"That's three jobs now; don't you think you're pushing yourself a little too much?"
Tesoro scoffed lightly, "Nah, I've got nothing else better to do - aside from coming to visit you of course!" The young adult stammered as if Stella would take offense, but she knew he meant no harm. He was an awkward adolescent.
Tesoro was seventeen at this point in time; he met Stella about a year ago when he was still sixteen; Stella, now nineteen, always looked forward to his visits, and appreciated his unwavering commitment to buying her freedom.
She just then realized that he was holding a bag in his left hand.
"What's that?"
Tesoro glanced over, he himself forgot what he was holding; he was too caught up with paying attention to the young woman in front of him.
"Oh! I bought you a snack from one of the local marts on my way here. I figured you might be hungry, and I was getting hungry too; I didn't wanna eat something in front of you while you don't have anything."
He pulled out two pre-made sandwiches and bottled drinks, one for him and one for her. She knew he didn't have to do this for her, and still sometimes wondered why he went through all this trouble.
"Thank you so much." She was able to grab her sandwich and drink from his hands as he passed it through the bars of the human shop. The cuffs on her wrists and ankles sometimes hurt and irritated her skin, but all she could do was try to not dwell on the feeling too much.
"You don't have to thank me, I'm just trying to help. I'd like to hope those jerks in there have at least half a mind to feed you…"
The last sentence was spat out of his mouth as if the taste of the thought was unbearable. He really hated seeing Stella in such a way, and it stung even more after he almost shared the same fate not too long before they met.
If he could do anything right, he'd try to help her.
Young Tesoro's hair was loose and hung at the sides of his face as he sat on the ground as close as he could next to Stella; decent casual dress pants and a button down blouse with the sleeves rolled up adorned his lean figure. It was one of the hotter days so he had kept his blazer off.
"But anyway, I made sure to get you a nice cold drink; It's gross out here."
Tesoro tended to be a little bit of a chatterbox around her; he didn't have anyone else to talk to, and before he ran away he forced himself to keep quiet in fear of angering his mother. Tesoro went on about his new job, what it was all about, what he got hired to do; then veered off into talking about interesting things he saw, like the lovely rose bushes he passed by on the route he took, the people passing by, even some of the animals like pet dogs, or birds he came across.
Stella allowed him to talk because she enjoyed seeing him so happy, and was thankful for any kind of company. In turn it made her happy, and made her forget about her current captivity within the shop.
"Are you okay? You haven't touched your food yet."
The young man did often find himself worrying about Stella when he wasn't there to see her, and always asked if she felt okay when he came by.
"Yes, I'm okay! It's just-" She paused, "I don't understand why you happen to care about me so much. I don't mean any disrespect because I'm very thankful for your help, but, everyone else passes by, hardly bats an eye towards me. What made you stop and want to come back to see me after that first day?"
Tesoro swallowed a bite of his sandwich and allowed a slightly worried expression to show on his face.
"Because people shouldn't be treated like this, That's the simple answer."A very light blush dusted upon his cheeks as he stopped speaking when he felt the blush come on:
"The longer answer is because you're the first person that's ever - well, treated me like a person. I don't have much else after leaving home, don't have anyone to go to. I feel like I have a genuine connection with you, and I don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
Stella sat there, somewhat shocked, her cuffed hands moving to her mouth to try to conceal a bit of her own blush now showing on her face.
"Also uh - I … umm - I think you're real pretty, and really sweet and nice to talk to. But of course your well-being matters the most at this point but I figured I could just tell you that too because - I dunno, you make me feel happy, and I want you to be happy too."
They both ended up hiding their faces in their hands for a few seconds from the emotions they both felt, and the subsequent flustered faces they both didn't want to show the other.
But, the young woman was smiling in her hands, because she had a slowly growing fondness for him as well, it felt nice to hear it from his end that he felt the same towards her.
"I really wanna get you outta here so - maybe we could go somewhere and be happy together. Would that be okay?"
Stella looked up, a small tear dropping from both her eyes, "I would like that very much, Tesoro. I feel the same way towards you. I didn't want to say anything because I thought you were just being another Good Samaritan, but then you kept coming back, and you're always so nice and we would sit here for hours talking about whatever came to mind, and, I'd like to keep doing that with you, under better circumstances, of course."
They shared a small laugh with one another.
"Stella, I promise, I'll get you out of here so we can be with each other, and be happy. I really wanna help you in any way I can, and I will do whatever I can. I promise."
Author's Notes:
- I decided to add a breather here and focus a bit on Stella trying to get acclimated with her new surroundings and meeting new people. There's still bits of heaviness as I stated in the beginning, but it's more alongside coping than actual harmful suffering, if that makes any sense. Tesoro is currently in the thick of it, and Stella, while still dealing with the aftermaths of her pain, has had time to process it in a healthy way. She's still picking up small pieces and moving forward.
- It's a big thing that I wanted to focus on here as well, the notion of Tesoro being so quick to help Stella, but not allowing her or anyone else to help him. It's a product of trauma, from not feeling good enough or worth the time and effort of others; feeling like a massive burden. In the past before he stopped committing atrocities he wouldn't let others assist him from his warped view of humanity: he was above other people and could not stoop down that low to show weakness or insecurity. Either way, it caused him to suffer; and he felt that it was deserved.
- More of a sneak peek but the next chapter I am extremely excited for people to read! I took a lot of time and put a massive amount of thought into it, as well as made a lot of artwork! I took heavy inspiration from a small film made back in 2018, but I'm not going to reveal said film until I post the chapter. I wanna keep some suspense up! I believe this next chapter adds a lot of nuance and depth into Tesoro and his growth process. Definitely stay tuned!