Nibelheim: A Town of Painful Memories
To everyone's relief, the buggy worked.
Except Cloud was no longer allowed to drive. Tifa took over the piloting, enjoying the controls and having a front-row seat to gaze out at the greenery. After leaving the rocky lands of canyons and dry desert, we charged over an open valley. Tall grass swayed from side to side from a gentle breeze, many streams to cross over. Herds of mountains surrounded us, dark ones falling ahead, growing taller and taller as we inched ever so closer. As the driver, Tifa picked her favorite radio station, a list of popular songs. When YMSC came on, all of us groaned in the back of the vehicle, "turn it off!"
Tifa giggled, twisting the knob to another station to put on country music.
We all whined again.
She glared at all seven of us over her front view mirror.
"Shut up! I pick the god-damn music!" she shrieked, her eyes glowing red. We all straightened, not another peep about it.
Cloud fumed silently to himself, his arms crossed, while he sat in the very back row beside Barret.
"I liked driving," he muttered, pouting.
Barret glared down at him.
"Yeah? Well, I like not crashin," he corrected. Cloud stabbed the big man with swords from his eyes, not saying another word. In the front row, Red rested his head over Aerith's lap like a relaxed canine, his tail whacking into Yuffie sitting next to him as she tried to smack at the flame like it was a mosquito. He flashed angry yellow eyes at her.
"Don't you even dare," he growled.
Cait Sith laughed, watching from the middle seat all to himself with his giant Mog friend.
I sat up front next to Tifa, the two of us finally comfortable together as I awed over the beautiful valley. Many puffy clouds floated over us. We passed a herd of wild Chocobos and spotted scattered apple trees. The buggy rattled as it forced its tracks over a wide riverbed. Tifa steered, handling the challenge with ease.
"Wow Tifa, you're good at driving," I complimented.
"Shut up," she grunted, but she smiled at me, and we shared a knowing look that told me we were okay.
"Hey," Tifa began after a long, comfortable silence. We watched a bloom of dark clouds rising over barren and spiky peaks in front of us.
"You two seem to be getting better, even after that little episode you had," she brought up.
Tifa noticed. My cheeks burned, leaving my fingers playing with each other across my blue and white skirt.
"I'd like to think so, after everything that has happened," I spoke softly, thankful for the rumble of the buggy's engine muffling our conversation. Though, I'm confident if Cloud wanted to, he could easily pick up my words. My eyes lifted to the front view mirror, making sure he was distracted.
He had his back turned to Barret, arms still crossed like an angry little boy, and his eyes flashed up at the mirror to glance at me. I averted my gaze.
Of course, he wasn't distracted.
"Maybe you weren't rejected after all," Tifa heartened, smiling lightly while her feet got to work on the peddles under the steering wheel.
I pondered that statement, unsure. It didn't feel like it, but then again, I felt it would be better not to get my hopes up either.
"I'm not sure. It feels that way, but I'm afraid to ask," I stressed.
Tifa chuckled lightly to herself.
"What is there to ask? Isn't it obvious already?" she clarified. I noticed the closer we got to the mountains, the less bright her eyes were, like she knew our destination was coming. Maybe Tifa wanted a distraction, the quiet country music not satisfying. A soft guitar played, a cowboy singing about love or betrayal in the background with a thick drawl.
"What makes it so obvious?" I asked, surprised this conversation didn't bother her. But Tifa shook her head to herself, keeping quiet. She never answered.
We crossed another river. The sky darkened by more black clouds. The grey mountains grew, waiting to greet us with their barren landscapes.
"Just a heads-up," Tifa whispered to me after a long time. I leaned into her, and listened.
She steered carefully, her bottom lip sinking back into her teeth.
"When we get there to Nibelheim, don't be surprised if Cloud falls into a strange place. He may not be himself. Since he cares so much about you, I'm telling you this so that you won't let him down when he needs you. I'll get pissed if you don't hold out for him at the worst of times," she warned. In the view of her soft profile, she peered at me with the corner of her eye, waiting for my reply.
My hands stiffened over my skirt.
"I'm glad you care so much about him," I observed. Rain drops pecked at our windshield. Tifa turned on the wipers. We watched them swipe away at a growing army of rain until it came down heavily. The wipers' activity increased, trying to catch up.
"I'm just looking out for him. If you try to run, don't be upset if I step in," she warned.
I sank back into my chair, watching absently at the rain blob away our view. I could already smell it through the vents, a fresh rain fall after a few dry days. It was going to be a long stretch. The tapping intensified until a stampede of drops roared over our heads, trying to get inside the buggy.
"I would think your reaction would matter more, since you're both from there. This is something for you two to go through together," I said regretfully. Tifa hissed quietly to herself, and didn't say another word. When I studied her, I couldn't tell if her face grew more pale or if she naturally had almost white skin. Her eyes reddened, a silent aggression growing inside her. Her fingerless gloves, with long pale fingers, curled tighter across the buggy's steering wheel.
I turned my careful eyes back to the windshield, trying to make out beyond the curtain of rain. Everything blurred in the dark afternoon. Speckles of yellow light became visible, like yellow dots in the distance before a looming mountain.
Tifa sucked in a breath.
"We're close," she uttered, and the buggy began to decelerate.
The moisture outside made its way inside the compartment, making the air feel muggy as we all tensed.
Footsteps slowly made way to the front.
"Is that it?" Cloud asked, his voice above my ear. His hands gripped the head of my seat. Tifa kept her eyes ahead, and swallowed.
"According to our digital map, it is," she whispered. Her hands shook on the wheel.
Tifa tossed Cloud a troubled look, possibly about to ask him something, but she bit her tongue, shooting me a quick glance, and then she went back to driving. Whatever she wanted to say in front of Cloud, she wanted to avoid doing it in front of me, I caught that much. I inhaled slowly, afraid to feel that I was going to be in the way. Or to not be involved in something that was a significant part of Cloud, something that only he and Tifa shared. I suddenly felt I didn't belong again. Already, I was going to disobey Tifa's warning, ready to run away to Aerith and become a passive statue. Let Cloud and Tifa reminisce on their childhood alone while I hide.
I was ready to get up and squeeze in next to Aerith, but Cloud's hand settled gently over my shoulder when he asked me, "Are you okay? You've been quiet?
I felt his stare before I craned my head up to see him. His eyes were dark, the darkest I've ever seen them, a midnight blue. The Mako was nowhere to be found. Cloud was deeply troubled, but his smirk showed off a false display, a force of confidence.
"I'm fine," was all I could really say, dreading suddenly going to this town of the past, a place that should've just remained in Cloud's memories. How dare Sephiroth make us come here.
Cloud's smirk dropped, not believing me. His hand slipped away just as Cait Sith and Mog got up to ask him to remove it, and his jaw muscles tightened. He made a fist and hid it beside him, looking back to the rain sliding down our windshield.
Tifa pulled over along the side of an old road, and stopped the buggy with a twist of a key. She looked over her shoulder at everyone else.
"Anyone staying?"
No one spoke. Yuffie seemed tempted to raise her hand when she pressed her lips together, but she stayed quiet for once.
Red shook his head.
Cait Sith on the other hand, fiddled with his red cape's knot around his neck.
"I...I think I will watch the buggy," he announced nervously, plans whirling in his mechanical head. I wondered why he was so keen on staying.
Everyone else got out.
I put my hood up, glad to be wearing my navy cloak once more, and stepped onto the stone made road.
Ran fell heavily. The sky was dark, with a fading sun behind monstrous black clouds. It almost looked to be night, but it was probably only early afternoon. A hint of such a warm sun we weren't going to enjoy, poked through a tiny slit in the dark sky to peek in at us. And gave warning of what was to come before it retreated behind the storm.
Aerith took my arm, and I turned to her, trying to smile. She didn't smile back, her white hood up over her head with her eyes hidden.
"How are you feeling?" she asked me, the two of us walking together behind Tifa, Yuffie and Red. Old appearing streetlamps made of iron, guided us down the empty road, leering us into an iron fenced community at the base of a casecade of spiky and dark mountains.
I took a hold of Aerith's wrist, and whispered to her, "I don't want to be here. It feels uncomfortable."
She squeezed my arm a little tighter.
"I know, but it's going to be okay. This is a quick visit. We may not even find Sephiroth, and we'll be on our way," she tried, but I wasn't convinced. I felt Cloud's presence behind us, being watchful of me like a bodyguard. It gave me shivers, almost like his arms were already around me, keeping me warm and protected by just his stare alone.
An iron gate stopped us from proceeding into a tiny looking village. Tifa twisted around, her worried eyes over me to find Cloud.
"This is strange," she announced, hugging herself. If she and Cloud were together, would he be comforting her right now, instead of hovering behind me like my guardian? Tifa looked lonely standing there under a tall streetlamp, shivering in her denim coat and cotton hood.
My insecurities were whispering to me, like little dark demons with sharp claws, poking and tapping at my neck to keep me silent, or else they will tear across it till I bled to death. I swallowed, trying to pretend they weren't there, and watched Cloud step ahead, his sword glowing orange under a lamp before going dark again.
"It sure looks odd," he observed, stopping to marvel at the gate that was familiar to him. Yuffie groaned, shivering next to Barret with a bright yellow rain coat covering her up.
"I hate this place already. It doesn't seem to be that interesting. I miss effin Gold Saucer," she complained.
Barret rolled his eyes.
"You could've stayed in the buggy," he grumbled to her. Yuffie stuck her tongue at him.
"No way. Not with that robot thing. That cat doll is weird. He keeps watching us like some kind of peeping tom," she spat.
"Guys, please," Tifa demanded a little too strongly, wanting everyone to hush. Red kept his tail tucked between his legs, protecting the flame as it warmed his belly without burning his hairs.
"Let's go in and find shelter already. I hope there's an inn," he fussed.
Cloud pushed open the unguarded gates for us, and entered first.
We all followed very slowly, and stood under the archway sign that read "Nibelheim" in back iron letters. I thought we stepped into an old storybook community, the place as small as I'd imagined after listening to Cloud's story.
Everyone froze just before the cobblestone street took us to a main square.
Many homes stood, like they've been there for decades, the slanted red wood roofs intact, with chimney's leaking smoke up to the dark sky. Cottages painted white, with paneled windows and natural oak doors, circled a battered looking water tower. There was an inn, and what looked to be a shop with a faded swinging sign that screeched with the wind.
Each home, some with two floors, carried pipes into their roofs, maybe to carry the Mako that cooked up in the mountains.
No one was out.
Rain continued to make a downpour, slapping the stone and making sharp dink sounds over the metal pipes. It was a symphony of tapping across the town from all the pipes the rain bullied.
Cloud sucked in a breath, and when he exhaled, he blew out fog through his open lips.
"What?" He was at a loss for words.
"Cloud, I thought…" Tifa stepped next to him, her mouth open with red eyes large across the square.
"I thought this all burned down," she gasped, her fingers to her lips.
Cloud let the rain soak his spiky hair, unfathomed by the chill in the air as everyone else huddled close together, and he gazed at all the intact homes. Warm light glowed from inside each house, emitted through the paneled windows like people lived in them. We were all stuck out here in the dark, like on a shore, while everyone else sailed away comfortably in their safe ships, enjoying their lives without a clue as to what happened five years ago. No signs of disaster, no remnants of a burnt world. It was like walking into a dream, or a memory, and I noticed how it haunted Cloud when I watched his eyes blink endlessly at all that was around him.
"I…." Cloud looked down at his hands, questioning himself if he was sane as he watched the rain wash his gloves.
"I remember the flames. The fire burned everything down. My mother-!" Cloud lifted his head with a loud gasp, eyes wide.
"Mother!"
He ran, hope in his eyes, while Tifa called out to him.
"Cloud, wait!"
She went after him. Should I follow him as well? Aerith released my arm, already whispering to me, "Go."
Without another thought, I ran, trying to catch up to Cloud's nonhuman speed, rain hitting my face. What was going on? Nothing made sense. Wasn't this town supposed to be burnt to the ground? Was it simply rebuilt?
I passed the dinky water tower, and then stopped, my throat tight from inhaling too much cold, and watched Cloud knock on the door of a small house. It was a tiny one-story home, casting a warm light as little squares across the stone street. When the door opened, it seemed inviting, warm, and dry, with the smell of hot dinner cooking.
An elderly woman cocked her head over the three of us at her door. We probably appeared like lost, wandering souls stuck in the rain to her.
"Yes?"
Tifa and I glanced at each other, neither of us certain what to say if Cloud stayed a mute. But he did speak, and strongly when he fired, "Who are you? How long have you lived here?"
The woman seemed to be taken aback by Cloud's intrusive words, a hand to her heart.
"Well! If you must know, I'm the owner of this house, and I've lived here my whole damn life," she insisted, closing the door. Cloud rammed the tip of his boot in the way to keep the door from shutting us out, and barked, "No! You're wrong! This was my house! Where's Claudia?!"
"Who?!" The apparent owner of this house snapped. Cloud forced his way inside, shoving the door away from her hands as she shrieked.
Tifa and I reached for him to stop, but he rammed inside, away from our hands, and shouted, "Where's Claudia?! My mother?!"
The old woman hid away behind a kitchen counter, trembling, while Tifa and I stepped inside the warm cottage, silent.
We dragged the rain inside, its drops dripping down onto a nice rug while the warmth heated us comfortably, a fire going from a large furnace. Something was simmering in a pot over a stove.
Cloud stood in the middle of the loft, breathing hard. Rain dripped from his hair, tapping on the wood floor around him. When he spun to stare with horror at the two beds he remembered, stands of his wet blond hair stuck to his cheeks.
"The beds," he whispered. He twirled again, staring at the kitchen that might have been his and his mother's.
"The kitchen."
He spun and spun, his revived world spinning around him in all its colors and old voices, a twister of haunting memories. Could he hear his mother's voice through these walls? Was he recalling his time spent in this house as a child? Cloud paused, dizzy, and rammed his hands into his hair, his blue eyes wild.
"Everything's all here. Then, where's Claudia?! Is she here?!"
He stormed over to the kitchen and stabbed his burning Mako eyes down at the poor old woman.
"Where is she?!" He roared through his teeth, fists out.
Tifa and I were stunned.
"Cloud!" Tifa called, but her voice didn't reach him.
The old woman begged for him not to hurt her, wrinkled hands up to keep him away. Cloud breathed heavily, his muscles tight, and with Mako energy flaring off of him, he was about to reach with deadly claws for the poor soul. His chest rose and sank to each heavy breath, like a predator about to launch onto a poor weakling.
My eyes burned, afraid to step forth in case he were to channel all of his rage onto me. But it was better me than a poor old woman. I stepped forward, even when Tifa whispered to me, "No!"
Holding my breath and with shaky arms, I came at Cloud's side and wrapped them around his waist, sliding behind his sword. I buried my wet eyes into his arm, and shook my head. I couldn't stand seeing him like this. My shoulders grew heavy, my hands trying to limp away at the growing weight.
"Cloud, please stop," I whimpered. "Please..."
I was so scared he was going to latch on to me with his SOLDIER strength, forgetting who I was when the Mako took over. He was losing himself.
I could feel the way his warm body shook, hissing through his teeth as he fought from within.
A shaky gloved hand touched mine, a sign that he was in there, somewhere. And then Cloud sank his head into his chest, his eyes squeezed tight to force back any tears that he may have had, battling his inner demon with all of his might. His grip only tightened until it was painful, my fingers crunched together. I grit my teeth, bearing through it until the shaking stopped.
Cloud had won.
He stood stiff, took in a deep breath, and whispered, "I'm sorry to disturb you."
His hand let go of my fingers, leaving them red, and gently, he stepped back, pulling away from my arms just so he could leave, brushing pass me.
Tifa apologized to the frightened old woman, and left. I followed, closing the door out of politeness, and stepped back out into the rain. Feeling like an audience, I achingly watched Tifa slowly walk up to a shattered Cloud. He stared up at the water tower, letting the rain wash his face.
Tifa hesitantly put a hand to his wet shoulder and said, "I remember the fire, too. It's not just you. Something is wrong here," she shuddered, forcing a fake smile across the shadow of her face.
"My house is still standing, too," she tried, and braved her other hand on him.
The dark claws came at my throat again when I felt the need to reach for Cloud. Those insecure little demons whispered for me to run away and let those two be.
I had no place here.
My boots stepped into a deep puddle of rain and broken stone, their toes aiming towards the inn, where I'm sure everyone else settled. I was ready to retreat, the dark demons chuckling in my ears that they've defeated me. I lifted my legs, and ran.
Someone took a hold of my wrist, jolting me.
"Aqua," Cloud called quietly.
My chest bursted open, spilling all that I've had for him at my feet, and I sucked in a small breath, doubtful that he would have stopped me. I wanted to break into tears, forever relieved he had reached.
Isn't it obvious already?
Tifa's recent words made me gasp, and I looked over my shoulder to find Cloud gazing over me with a depressing look, his eyes, once more, dark blue. Even with Nibelheim's lanterns flickering all around us, Cloud's eyes still appeared stuck in shadow, but he gripped onto me tightly, rain dancing around us and into our clothes.
Tifa stiffened. It was clear, he didn't need her, not as she may have hoped, maybe just as a tiny flame somewhere inside herself. She gushed over Johnny, but I knew, no one could reach that special place she kept only for Cloud. I was to give them a chance, like a foolish woman I was, hurting myself so many times. What if Cloud hadn't stopped me? What if I just kept running?
I blinked, just now discovering I had tears in my eyes when my vision blurred. I first thought it was rain creeping into my hood, but the drops were warm and salty to taste when they snuck over my lips.
Before another word was to be said, Tifa ran, her splashing footsteps fading. It was an unsettling stretch of silence, Cloud and I frozen with our eyes stuck to each other. How could he just let her run away like that? His childhood friend? The girl he had loved for so long?
"Cloud, what about Tifa?" I croaked, my throat suddenly dry.
Like waking up from a Stop spell, Cloud's hold loosened, and he sighed, facing the puddles under his boots.
"What about Tifa?"
"This is your home, and hers. Isn't this something you need to share with her? She …" I swallowed, feeling the dark claws tap at my neck to shut me up, but I didn't.
"She loves you so much," I revealed quietly. Why did I keep doing this? Didn't I care about my own happiness for once?
Cloud lifted his head up and flashed himself a painful smirk at his reflection upon the window of what used to be his home. The drapes were shut, revealing nothing but a shadowy figure behind them.
"You're a goof," he whispered, and he took a free hand to wipe the excess rain away from his face and mouth. The words seemed insulting, but he said them warmly, lifting a tiny hint of a sad smile on his serious face towards me.
"I want to share this with you. But, only if you want to," he whispered. His hold released my wrist, giving me permission to leave.
"You don't have to stay," he finished, keeping his stare onto that house like it beaconed him to burst in once more.
My heart thumped hard. Under the cold rain, my whole body burned, turning towards Cloud.
"I want to stay with you," I said firmly. My insecurities pulled away, their crippling hands disappearing until I was free.
Cloud crossed his arms, but he turned his head to read me, digging deep into my eyes to find what he wanted. It was difficult for me not to step back as I endured his searching gaze until he finally smiled to himself, eyes closed, and turned his head away.
"I'm sorry," he began, and there was a glimmer to his eyes when he stared down at his boots. The distant streetlamp outlined his wet strands of hair with a glowing orange line, sharp spikes close to hiding the false hope of his stare.
"When I saw that my home was still here, I thought for a moment, that Mother was here too," he whispered, trying to smile like he thought himself a fool. His face lifted, hair hiding his eyes when he surveyed his old house.
"My memories could be damaged. Maybe I got this wrong. Maybe I didn't see her burnt body, but..."
Cloud scoffed lightly to himself.
"Who am I kidding? She's gone."
His shoulders shook, and he took a hand to hide half his sunken face.
"What kind of sick joke is this?" He whispered through his teeth. "What the fuck is going on?"
I stepped closer, taking my cold hands to grip Cloud's arm, almost startling him.
"We should give her a proper farewell. A grave," I said unsteadily, afraid. Cloud dropped his hand and twisted his head to give me a startled look. He turned so sharply, his hair swatted rain at me. My fingers gripped him tighter, staring at his left shoulder pauldron out of feeling almost ashamed to mention it, but it felt right.
"When you care about someone who has died, there should be a place to go to, to talk to them in a way. To visit them. A resting place. Your mother deserves that," I trembled. Yes, her soul may have returned to the Planet a long time ago, but this was more for Cloud's sake, to give him some kind of closure. A therapeutic tool to help him with the grief. I hope he could see it that way.
Cloud blinked, processing my idea like he's never thought of it before. For a second, he glowed. A tiny and yet real smile slowly appeared on his pale lips. It was a beautiful look to see on his often stern face.
"She would love that," he replied.
There was no graveyard in Nibelheim. Nothing to give a resting place for the souls that were lost five years ago.
All except for Cloud's mother, Claudia.
If this town was still here, then why did no one set a stone for their loved ones like Cloud did? I followed, watching him carry a flat stone up a long climb of stairs. The ascend brought us over a hanging cliff of what may use to be covered in grass, now sat in dirt and rock. A broken mansion sat behind a tall iron fence, creaking far behind us. I stopped to collect my breath, taking a break to catch the view of quiet NIbelheim below. The afternoon turned into evening, but the rain never waned. Little yellow dots sparkled across the village, a few brave souls out. Maybe it was Tifa, I couldn't tell, even as I saw a dot under a far away lamp.
Quietly, I turned to admire Cloud wedging a stone deep into the earth, careless if he was soaked. He probably didn't even feel the cold. He rose, studying the natural tombstone he found.
"Something's missing," he pondered quietly.
I stood far behind Cloud, wondering what he was thinking, when he suddenly took a hand to the hilt of his sword, and raised it off his back. With barely a grunt, he stabbed its massive blade deep into the dirt between his feet. It stood right in front of the stone like a permanent bouquet, half buried, difficult for any normal man to pull.
My body warmed, tickling my skin with an unknown heat that coursed through my blood to see Cloud's hands uncurl away from his only weapon.
That's when I knew he grew up.
I didn't see a young twenty-something boy trying to pretend to be cool and painless anymore. He wasn't pretending he had his shit together. He was facing it.
I smiled to myself, falling back in time when I yelled at Cloud back in Wall Market. I was no fool to his false macho ways.
There was only one streetlamp at the top of the steps, barely enough light over Cloud's back when he rose, staring at his carved work across the stone.
"Claudia Strife," laid across the stone as best as he could, engrave with a pocket knife.
I wrapped my arms around myself, startled when Cloud looked over his shoulder at me, remembering that I was still there. Even completely soaked, he didn't shiver, nor pay any mind to the discomfort it may have brought. His spiky hair became flat, a strange phenomenon to witness. A secret glow twinkled across his eyes when he said politely, "Aqua, you should go rest up or restock. Maybe ask around town what has happened. I'm..." he turned to gaze down at his sword standing next to his mother's new resting place.
"I would like to speak to my mother, alone."
I thought I grew wings, my hands clutching to my chest in case I were to fly away with warmth that wasn't there before. A cold breath inhaled through my lips, turning warm the instant it slammed into my lungs, and my cheeks burned.
"Take your time," I breathed, electrified as though I just watched Cloud sprout his wings for the first time. They were white and brilliant.
Without hurry, I walked away, pass tall mounds of rock and back to the neglected path. There was this tiny hope to ease drop, but Cloud was waiting for me to venture far away enough, keeping his lips shut. He wanted to make sure I wouldn't hear a word. There was this curiosity to stay and hide, but I respected his wishes, left to wonder what he would say after five years.
When I returned to the town's square, I stepped into the only shop. The door rattled a tiny bell, and I found a large counter with collections of potions, and a few weapons hanging along a back wall. An older man was enjoying a cigarette, puffing away as he eyed me curiously.
"Oh, never get visitors these days. Are you with the new group that just came in?" he asked. He must have been the owner of this shop for a long time, when I noticed how yellow the walls were, stained by the nicotine from his smoking. Maybe he knew what had happened?
I pulled out my coin purse, planning to buy an Ether.
"Yes. We just came into town. I'm surprised it's still here. Didn't this place burn up five years ago?"
I tried to make it a gentle conversation, but the shopkeeper reeled back with widened eyes. When he dropped his jaw, his cigarette tapped onto the wooden floor, its burning end broken up to nothing but tiny smoke. He threw a large finger sharply towards the door I had just walked through, and screamed, "Get the hell out! Don't talk about Nibelheim like that! It's not funny!"
His booming voice shook me so hard, I took an unstable step back and bumped into a bookshelf. Before the shopkeeper brought out the shotgun, I booked it, slamming the door behind me, and stumbled back out into the rain. I pressed my wet back against the door, rattled. That escalated quickly. I should've reworded that better.
I sucked deep breaths to try to relax, the crashing sounds of rain soothing me or making it worst, I couldn't decide.
"He got upset at you, too?" I heard. It sounded like Tifa. I turned, watching her staring at me with her arms crossed, a few loose and wet strands of her long and dark hair around her neck like long and sharp nails trying to choke her. Her eyes were strangely dim, staring at me and yet, not at all.
"Tifa," I gasped, surprised to see her approach me when I last saw her running away. If she was in internal pain, then it was taxing heavily on her, the weight of trying to push it down, pulled the life away from her eyes. The pain for not having Cloud by her side buried deeply, deeper than where her aggression lurked, and she sighed.
She turned her head, her gaze floating away towards a two-story house next to Cloud's old home.
"Yeah, someone apparently lives at my old house, too. I wanted to burst in, just to see if my old things were still there. It's strange, seeing it all standing on its own like this. I mean, I saw the fire too. How can this happen? Are my memories messed up, too?"
Her troubled red eyes lifted to the dark sky, silently asking for some kind of God to answer her hidden prayers.
"I came rushing out of my burning home, chasing after my father when he went up to Mt. Nibel like that. He thought he could stop Sephiroth on his own. No, that all couldn't have been an illusion. My memories..." she looked down to her fighting glove, two orbs of Materia glistening behind her middle knuckles.
"My anger and my pain, it's all real," Tifa quivered.
"Tifa..." I was voiceless, unable to find anything to add that would bring the younger woman to a better place. She gave me a forced smile, her eyes moist.
"I should've told Cloud all along how I felt about him. Then, maybe he would've needed me instead of you," she leaked, water swelling up over her lower lashes.
I sucked in a sharp pain down into my chest, and then, unexpectedly, she hugged me, sobbing with explosion over my shoulder.
"I love him so much!" She wailed, her shoulders shaking. The deep pain she tried so hard to bury, came pouring out. A painful chill clogged my throat, like I just swallowed a thick chunk of ice. Tifa gripped so tightly, her cries muffled into my cloak while the rain beat down on her back as though she was being punished for being open for once in her bottled up life. My hands couldn't settle down, shaking heavily when I rested them over her covered shoulders, the denim completely soaked. She was so cold.
"Please!" She begged, a woman willing to break in front of me, if that's what it took to get her wish.
"Please, just this time, please! I need him right now!"
I gasped, her breath hot and tears warm into my shoulder. My knees trembled, ready to bend and fall to the puddles under us.
In the corner of my eye, I caught Cloud approaching, and panic crashed into me when he locked stunned eyes with mine.
I stuttered, not knowing what to say as he neared. His face twisted uncomfortably as he watched Tifa fall apart.
"Tifa..." he choked, startled at seeing her this way. She was always putting on a brave face, always smiling or threatening. He didn't know what to say. But he quickly learned he didn't have to say anything. Tifa pushed away from me, turning her frazzled spirit towards Cloud like he was her lifeline.
"Cloud!"
And dove into his arms.
The force of such momentum pushed his breath out of him at the same time I inhaled loudly. No one said anything, nothing except Tifa wailing "please stay with me," into his chest many times like a wandering lost soul suddenly possessed.
What could I do? What could I say? I've had the privilege to be in Cloud's arms multiple times. Did Tifa ever get the chance? Did she ever feel his warmth pressed against her, or his powerful hands delicately handle her face when he wanted her to stare up at him? To feel his breath tickle her neck or his fingers play across her skin?
I shivered.
Cloud's eyes dimmed when he looked up to the dark sky, asking someone up there what he should do. He laid a supporting hand to Tifa's shoulder while he let his other just hang there. He seemed just as lost as I was.
I took a step back, suddenly so cold, I wanted to dip my body into boiling water. Ice coursed through my blood, trying to snap everything into place, but it stopped. As I settled my left hand over my aching heart, I noticed the bracelet's pink beads glowing softly. It was beating down at my pain, suppressing the unstable magic that would have unleashed. I thought someone was taking a hand over my mouth, trying to suffocate me.
Cloud dropped his head and looked over at me. Mako swirled into his eyes as he watched me take another step back.
"I should leave you two alone," I squeaked, ready to shatter. Cloud's mouth opened, but he was without words. I spun around, and left, heading straight for the inn before he could stop me.
I laid there, sprawled across my made bed, while I gazed up at wooden beams. A soft ceiling fan with little wooden blades spun round and round. My eyes tried to latch onto a blade, making an effort to follow it while counting how many there were around the tinkling lightbulb. Five? No six? I couldn't tell. It spun far too fast to be certain.
The same damn rain was trying to force its way inside, smacking the window with each gust.
I didn't even take off my wet clothes. I just laid there, arms and legs spread, letting the muggy air and fan try to dry me off, just too lost in thought to really care. Too focused on trying to battle through the support Materia that made me swallow down my emotions. Something in my chest grew, something unstable, but it had nowhere to go, so it just sat there. Each time I felt the support Materia at work, I could've sworn the feeling grew a little more. I was tempted to remove the beads, just to see what would happen, but I was too afraid. What if I lost control again? What if I were to crumble this inn? Or worst, put this town into its dark and twisted fate, actually annihilating it like we originally thought it endured?
Loving Cloud was so complicated.
He and Aerith were already not talking to each other. And now Tifa making a last desperate attempt to get some kind of sympathy out of him. She knew I had my shot. Maybe she had hoped it would be better for her? My big fat mouth did tell her she had a chance to tell Cloud how she felt, since he rejected me.
The friendly Tifa back on that buggy... Was that all just an act? Was she just trying to put up a false front while she was really holding it all inside? She must've felt so much pain for a long time. Stepping into her childhood home, one she had with Cloud, was her breaking point. She couldn't take it anymore.
What would Cloud do? Hold her till she felt better? Have a talk? Return her feelings? Dwelling in these thoughts did me no good, nothing but growing that strange lump inside me, a ball of buried magic in my core. It was trying to spill out my lips, like it was poison, and I needed to spit it up, but just before it trickled under my throat, it was pushed back down, the Materia doing its work. Each time it pulsed, I gasped. Was it left over rain across my face or sweat?
Aerith and Yuffie were whispering on the other side of the room. I could feel them watching me with concern, Yuffie at the door.
"What's going on?" She hushed.
"I don't know. She won't tell me. She's been like this for an hour," Aerith replied quietly, even though I could hear every word.
"I can hear you two," I groaned, feeling half dead.
The two young women reeled back uneasily, like I've just climbed out of my grave.
Footsteps grew around my bed, until Yuffie's shadowy face blocked the ceiling fan.
"Hey, are you okay? What happened? More drama with Cloud and Tifa? Tell me, tell me, tell me!" She snapped.
Aerith's face also came into view. Her long braid slid across her shoulder and tickled my face, but I didn't flinch.
"Aqua, please tell us?" she pleaded, her hands together in prayer.
I closed my eyes and shook my head delicately. What was going around in my mind was too private, even for Aerith. This was Cloud and Tifa. I won't talk about their business.
Yuffie poked at my arm and made a car horn sound. I cracked a little smile, enough to get her to do it again. Her finger jabbed at my belly, and she made a fart sound.
I giggled, her tickling and funny noises too uplifting to keep feeling the heavy burden. Aerith laughed over Yuffie's efforts, and joined in the poking fest until I cackled, the ceiling vibrating with my uplifting cries.
"Please, stop!" I begged, tearing up as I twisted around to dodge their feathery hands.
"Hey, hey, I have an idea!" Yuffie cheered, her fingers jabbing my back like a machine gun.
"What?!" I screeched, still laughing even when it was hurting my belly.
Their hands finally withdrew, and both women sat on the bed. I sat up, remnants of giggling still coming up even when I tried to calm down.
Aerith and I leaned closer into Yuffie, her face full of suspicion when she averted her eyes to the open door. She inched closer and whispered, "Let's go exploring that old mansion up there on the hill."
Aerith and I both gasped, a bit terrified at the idea.
"No way! It's getting late. You want to go there in the dark? It's probably haunted," Aerith stammered. I hardly got a look at the Shinra Mansion, too absorbed in Cloud's moment, and almost forgot it was even there.
"What if Sephiroth is in there?" I asked.
Yuffie made a fart noise with her tongue.
"You think Sephiroth is just waiting for us in a haunted mansion, tapping his feet and looking down at his watch? He's probably long gone by now, after the time we took in Cosmo Canyon. He won't be there," she assured with absolute juvenile confidence.
I rolled my eyes, Yuffie's description a bit cartoony, but smiled at the image anyway.
"I guess you're right. Sure, let's give it a shot. Maybe Barret or Red want to come with us?"
Yuffie shrugged, getting up.
"Maybe. It would be cool though if it was just us girls. Do we want to ask Tifa?"
Just even the mention of Tifa grew stone under my skin, until I thought I was going to sink the bed through the floor. Aerith must've noticed the trace of hurt on my face because she quickly chimed in, "Just the three of us should be enough! I think Tifa's too busy with a cocktail recipe."
She gave me a secret smile, and I forced one back at her.
Yuffie slapped her Shuriken on her hip, and slipped into her yellow rain jacket.
"Fine by me. Let's get going then."
Aerith rummaged through her bag to collect her bottles of Ether, while I stepped out into the hallway quietly.
It was a long stretch of hallway. One side all doors to hotel rooms, and to the other, windows between floral wallpaper. I gazed through one with little frilly white curtains, still picturing Cloud holding Tifa down there in front of the shop. But when I gazed out at the square, they were gone. Where did they go?
I snapped my eyes shut, trying not to let my thoughts wander too far, but I couldn't help it. My throat tightened, eyes burning as I, of course, imagined the worst.
Cloud comforting Tifa, taking her lips with his. Their bare hands together, fingers laced. Cloud's eyes closed, his breath tickling down her extended neck while whispering her name.
Stop.
I shoved a hand over my eyes, hiding them from the world while I gasped, unable to breathe.
I hated this.
I hated being like this.
It hurt so much.
My free hand clutched my chest, as though that were enough to soothe the ache in there, gasping to the cold feelings. For a moment, only a moment, I thought… no… Never mind.
I want to share this with you.
No, don't overthink it. Don't be a fool.
Don't scare me like that again.
Cloud.
I love you.
And I hate you.
I pressed my hand harder over my eyes, fighting the pull to break just as Tifa did. Icy water dripped in my veins, chilling my cells with unstable energy, awaiting to burst, but then an electric wave would ripple across it all, halting the phase from progressing further. I gasped again, the suppression uncomfortable. My hand whipped away from my chest, only to slam on the window, bouncing rain drops off the paneled glass outside.
"Aqua?" Aerith's voice didn't even startle me, too soft to do so.
"Want to tell me what happened?" she invited, Yuffie behind her in perplexed silence. Instantly, I shook my head and sniffed up any tears that wanted to come.
"I can't. It's not my place," I cracked, trying to hold on.
I could feel Aerith's warm arms circle one of mine under my cloak, and she pressed her head into my shoulder, sighing.
"Let's go, then. You're going to be okay. I'm here with you. You're my person," she whispered, eyes closed.
I turned my head to find her beautifully nested against me, her lovely lips in a quiet smile and long eyelashes tickling her cheekbones.
I smiled, the pain already dissolving. With Aerith, I will be fine. I'm not alone.
"You're my person," I whispered back.
We were quiet. Yuffie shifted back and forth on her feet, creaking the wood boards with impatiences.
"Are we going or what?" She whined.
"Let's go," Aerith whispered, and the three of us scooted across the hall to reach the stairs. When we descended to the first floor, I spotted Barret and Red in the lounge. Barret was sitting comfortable in an armchair, a hand across his lap, while his brown eyes thought deeply over a strong fire in a wide stone fireplace.
Red laid on a rug just beneath the fireplace, his nose close to Barret's monstrous boots and eyes shut like he was asleep.
"Barret! Want to come with us to Shinra Mansion?" Yuffie cried, destroying the peaceful silence with her unpleasant teenage voice.
Aerith and I flinched when Barret threw bullets at Yuffie with his hot stare, but then he took a deep breath, and relaxed.
"Just you three, and at this hour? Is that a good idea? What are you ladies up to?"
"Ghost hunting," Aerith sang playfully, luring Barret with her girly charm. But he shook his head at all three of us, and returned his attention to the fire next to him.
"Nah. I'm good right here. This is the life," he answered quietly. Red's ears twerked, like he was eavesdropping on us, but he kept his eyes closed, not interested.
Yuffe spat her tongue at Barret.
"Fine, then, old man," she bickered, and dashed away to the front door in case Barret were to fire real bullets at her. In that case, he stomped to his feet, and with his gun arm, aimed for her head, but she was already out the door.
"Fuckin brat," he grumbled under his breath, and sat back in his chair again.
Aerith and I chuckled.
"Uh, Barret. We should be back in a bit. If you don't hear from us, then send a search party," she joked.
I followed her out the inn, grateful to not have bumped into Cloud and Tifa, but also anxious because I didn't see them.
I sighed into my hands as we walked through the rain.
Tonight was going to be a long night, but at least I kept busy. Ghost hunting in a neglected mansion with friends was better than just lying in bed with tormenting thoughts of worst-case scenarios.
45