33

Cloud

A heavy silence settled in between us.

Cloud was a statue, his back against the door. Even when I could barely see him in the shadows, I felt his long stare like he could see me clearly as I stand in the middle of his small room.

"Cait Sith took the Keystone?" Cloud asked, seeking clarification. I nodded, my hands sweaty at my sides.

"Yes. As it turns out, he's been working for Shrina all along," I shared gloomily, my eyes to the floor.

Another stretch of silence, and then, Cloud cursed as he marched pass me, a heated tension following him like burning wings.

"Well, that explains a few things," he spat, opening the curtains to expose dim, purple sky. I could barely make out his face as he stared out at the fake graveyard, rows of plastic tombstones taunting us to an unavoidable future. He stared at them for a long minute, possibly waiting for another lightning bolt. Thunder growled through the glass, and Cloud settled a hand on his hip. He sighed at his bare feet.

"So, now Cait Sith went with Shinra?"

I nodded, but when he didn't see it, his eyes still stuck to the floor, I cleared my throat and replied promptly, "Yes."

Great," he grumbled, and smothered his face with a hand, wiping his cheeks and forehead with irritation. He left it over his lips, keeping himself from saying his thoughts as he mulled them rapidly.

"We may as well wait until morning," Cloud suggested, his hand away from his lips. He looked out to the window again, like looking at me would be a nuisance, another obstacle to deal with. He curled a fist at his side, holding all of his frustration in there, under his curled fingers.

"Fucking unbelievable."

I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly feeling like I was hovering.

"I'm sorry to disturb your sleep for this," I whispered, watching Cloud. He turned his head, finally looking at me, but quickly looked away again, and his fist tightened.

"It's alright. I wasn't even asleep anyway," his voice dropped when he said it, avoiding meeting my gaze. My feet began to inch back to the door, suddenly feeling like I had intruded somehow.

"Well, try to get some sleep, then," I forced, and my chest ached, my feet feeling heavier as I dragged them.

"I heard you and Aerith went out. Was it fun?" I detected a bit of a sharp tone, Cloud holding back a discomfort.

I stopped, ready for the door, but turned away from it, finding him watching me, and his eyes soon glowed, easier to find in the dark. I tried not to get too lost in them, and stayed clear, shaking my head while I fixated on the cold fireplace.

"No," I whispered bluntly, leaving it at that, and bit my lower lip.

You're supposed to die.

I shut my eyes and twirled away, to hide the icy pain. A glow suddenly appeared. Like a nightlight, I gazed down at my bracelet, and cursed quietly. In the dark room, the bracelet may as well be a search light, too bright to look at. I hurried to the door before the room glowed for too long.

"Good night," I cracked, not wanting to leave, and yet, feeling obligated to. Afraid to stay as well, but only because I knew if I did stay, I may ask for too much.

And yet, my feet grew to stone, my hand stuck to the door knob. Cloud must've felt it, the long pause, the ache, because he unexpectedly came right behind me, his presence holding so much strain. His shy hands quietly danced around my shoulders, until his arms followed, curled around them until he locked me in, the heat of his chest burning my entire back. He breathed a trembling breath into my hair, his closeness making me quietly quake as his hot breath streamed across my scalp like a warm breeze.

"Do you want to leave?" He whispered, the breeze touching my ear. I yearned for more than just his words, but he politely waited, giving me permission to leave if I desired. My hands met with his arms, holding them tight while I glanced up at that dreadful door.

Before I let my thoughts linger too long, I shook my head, my hair rubbing against his cheek.

"No," I replied, feeling fragile. I turned my head, until the rest of me followed, facing Cloud while my hands settled softly over his chest, feeling his heart beat into my sweaty palms.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, ready to catch his eyes with mine, slightly afraid of his answer. Cloud gazed deeply, making sure he couldn't find anything that hinted to him that I was uncomfortable with staying. Who knows where this would lead, but hearing Aeith's words, the only voice left in my head, echoed in a vast ocean.

You're supposed to die

It left me wanting everything.

Before it's too late.

That's why, as soon as Cloud replied softly, "No. I don't want you to leave," I didn't waste another second, and pushed my lips up to his. His response pulled me into him, holding me tighter, his mouth opening more, and our bodies merged.

Everything of the world melted away, and I gladly let my lips wander, down to his neck where I could touch as much as I wanted, taste the salt of his sweat there.

Cloud tilted his chin to the high ceiling, shuddering as I ran my wet lips and tongue across his collar bones, descending even further towards his scars. I leaned into them, kissing each one.

"I want..." I closed my eyes, pretending that I could taste his pain through them.

My face flushed, words unable to escape, but I knew I should say them, to be direct with him.

"Cloud, I want you to take me to bed," I nervously muttered against his skin. His heart thumped faster, vibrating into my lips madly. His hands stiffened, a breath held, and he paused for a second, taking my words in with caution, searching for some kind of more profound meaning, a trick, or joke in there. Lightning came in, brightening the room in white for a second, and then a rumble of thunder gave warning.

Cloud's hands relaxed, bracing for my hips, just inches away from feeling the rest of my curves. My lips returned to his, and together, they fell into little wet pecks when I was lifted into his arms, carried. Our kiss broke a few times, desperate to remain locked as I fell back softly into a made bed, his hands taking mine and pushing them away.

"I haven't done this before," Cloud admitted before losing himself at my neck. Even just little, feathery touches of his lips left me twisting my legs, my head turned away to stretch out my skin further for him to explore.

"What if I hurt you," I heard him ask, his hands leaving mine, coming back towards my shoulders with a gentle rub, and they toyed with one green ribbon. In one long pull of it, the bow fell loose, and a shoulder laid bare, glowing under Cloud's shadow. His knees kept him held over me, one hand against the mattress to keep him afloat evenly, as his other untied the last ribbon.

I easily tracked his glowing eyes, looking up into them when I replied, "I don't care."

I was a foolish prey, willing to be devoured by a beast, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and kissing him again, giving him a taste of what his meal would be. Cloud's hands traveled around my back, until his fingers found the zipper, and pulled it. Down it went. The deeper the zipper fell, the more his breathing quickened into my mouth, tension rising inside him, sharing it with me until I felt it too. Anywhere he touched, I trembled, thirsty for more until I couldn't decide who was the prey, me or him, and helped with the dress. I slithered out of it, like shedding a second skin, and it was tossed on the floor hurriedly, along with my underwear. Blushingly, I kept my hands over my breasts and closed my legs, afraid of what I looked to Cloud, even in the dark.

But he took my hands away, gripping them tight, fingers mixed with mine, and pressed them heavily against the bed, its silk covers slippery against my knuckles. I looked away, feeling exposed as my breasts sat out in the open, cool air slipping through them until they hardened.

Lightning flashed, exposing Cloud's eyes soaking me all up. He was having the whole show for himself, a look of disbelief to those eyes, and his mouth stayed slightly open as though he's never seen a naked woman before. He kept my hands prisoner above my head with his powerful grip, leaving me powerless. His eyelids fell a little, and he sank his head in, strands of his hair tickling all over my cheek and shoulder.

"You're beautiful, Aqua," Cloud whispered, his lips traveling down my neck, heading South. I fell into gasps and moans, eyes closed tight as my head whipped this way and that way, squirming under Cloud's hold, desperate to cling on to him. He kept me like that for a long time, doing what he wanted, kissing at ever corner and curve of me, finding what made me gasped or quiet. One hand wandered, sensing any possible hot spots. When there was a tremble or a moan, his mouth followed, adding another layer of sensation until I yelped.

After much fighting with his hold, my hands were finally free, and I let them fall into his hair and his neck, tugging him back to meet me again.

His pants slid off, and then came the underwear, all thrown carelessly.

He returned, carefully pressing his flaming body against mine, and kissed me deeply, our tongues pushed together.

I could feel all of him. His nervousness, the way he shuddered, the sweat on his back, how he followed his instincts and carefully took himself in, inch by inch.

But then a quick thought occurred to me, and like someone dumped a bucket of cold water on my head, I gasped, and pushed against his shoulders.

"Wait!"

Cloud paused, swallowing and trembling as his lips hovered inches above mine, along with the rest of him struggling to freeze.

"What is it?" His hot breath fumed over my lips, our eyes locked when he searched for danger, or even a change of heart, trying not to sink with too much disappointment.

I closed my eyes, hating myself for doing this, a possible chance for sizzling the flame between us.

"What about protection?"

Cloud cocked his head at me. And blinked.

"What?"

I took a deep breath.

"You know, protection, to prevent, well..." I was about to say it, but Cloud closed his eyes and sighed, sinking his forehead against my shoulder.

"Stop. I know what you meant," he muttered. His hot breath laid gentle moisture into the curve of my shoulder, and very slowly, he pulled his head back up, spikes brushed against my cheeks until his eyes found mine again. Cloud licked his lips and darted his eyes nervously to the side.

"Aqua, I'm..." He pressed his lips together, and gulped.

In a low, quiet voice, he revealed to me, "I'm sterile."

Oh.

I was stunned, more from my slow brain unable to piece together that Mako trials, of course, left enhanced SOLDIERS sterile, another reason to make them believe they were built more for battle than anything else. One more thing taken away from these young souls, boys with dreams of being heroes, but at more of a price than I could have ever imagined. I recalled President Shinra mentioning something about it briefly, but it slipped my mind.

It's unfortunate the Mako process that is infused into you has some side effects, no doubt. It does make one sterile, doesn't it?

I was then back in that cell, stuck in there with Cloud, and trying to remember how he felt.

I'm glad your guy survived the Mako trials, but there's more to it than just incredible battle abilities.

Cloud grumbled those words to me, the secret meaning behind them suddenly clear now. The deepening secrets in his eyes, how he tossed them away, pretending it wasn't on his mind before, just a bothered thought and nothing more.

Do you want to talk about it? I invited, giving him the chance to share if he wanted to. But Cloud shook his head, eyes lost to the wall across from us, and they glowed quietly in that Mako state. Of course, he didn't want to talk about it, and now I knew why. Did he know that, coming into being SOLDIER? Was it something he easily overlooked, and later may regret, or did the thought it would never happen anyway?

And Isaac.

He knew. He knew whether I wanted children or not, that the idea was long gone. Because that was what he wanted, and to have that taken away from him, must have been distressing. The bitterness left over, the rage, and frustration to live a life, but unable to make another. Isaac has given away so much, just to keep his Mako heart beating.

I understood now.

My eyes burned, and I blinked, holding back tears.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my hands cupping Cloud's face.

He smiled lightly under my thumb when I brushed it across his lips.

"It's okay. This works in our favor. You don't want children."

His lips touched my forehead.

"And we can do this as much as we want," he finished, his voice breathy. After holding back much restraint, Cloud took hold, his arms curled around my shoulders, and breathed my name heavily into my hair, losing himself.

I held on for the ride, feeling the heat of his passion sheer between my legs. My hands clawed his back, head turned to the side, silver hair everywhere, and moaned. Many sounds I couldn't define escaped my lips. I gasped Cloud's name, feeling his lips trickle their way down my neck.

"Aqua, say my name again," he requested, a hand on my hip. I did, almost in a whimper.

It was a beautiful song to his ears, and he sighed longingly.

"Again."

And I did, bending to his demands to let him hear his name over and over, to tell him that no one but him was taking me fully. The more I called to him, the harder he thrusted, his face bathed in sweat. Our bodies heated, heart rates climbed, breathing quickening, and I was pulled in tightly, sinking further into him until I thought I could disappear. His strength could break me, and I let him. I buried my cries into his shoulder to muffle them, teasingly biting skin while suppressing a scream.

It all felt like only minutes, but as we laid there, legs intertwined over the silk covers, I stole a glance at an old, black grandfather clock. The time showed to be a little after two, telling me it's been a few hours.

I snuggled up against Cloud's chest, a finger making little soft curves across his skin. He held me into him, one hand in my hair and another curved around my waist.

The beating of his heart thumped loudly in my ear, pulsing against my cheek. Particles of our love-making hung in the air, sprinkling us with a blissful welcome while leaving us willingly scarred. I could still feel what was left of Cloud buried inside me like a slow, burning coal in the depths of my lower abdomen, and I closed my eyes to it, sighing. My insides ached, my inner thighs sore, and yet, I smiled against his skin.

"Are you okay?" Cloud whispered in the dark, lips to my forehead.

I tilted my head, his slow kisses coming down like rain.

"A little sore, but I'll be okay. What about you?"

He kissed my mouth, and relaxed there, our eyes meeting, and he sighed, head back on a pillow.

"I feel…different," Cloud put it with a little gladness. After a kiss, I repeated the word, "Different?" Challenging him to explain what he meant. Cloud smirked at me.

"It's difficult to explain. The best way I can describe it to you, is like wearing thick armor most of your life, but then you suddenly feel ready to take it off. It makes me feel lighter, like I'm okay with wearing just light armor or none, at all. It's nice," he tried, sounding afraid that using battle tactics or armor talk was going to bore me. I did roll my eyes, but kissed him anyway.

"I can't believe I was your first," I added, still in a bit of disbelief. I would've thought, with Cloud's beauty and sterile qualities, it was a cry for turning one into a player. And then there was the way he let himself go earlier, how he took over all of me after such a long wait, like the hunger was there for a long time, and he finally ate.

"Why is that hard to believe?" He asked, curious.

I propped up on his chest, our legs meshed as I tried not to jab a knee into his groin.

I was prepared to explain it to Cloud, but I ended up smiling down at him, and shook my head instead.

"No reason," I decided, and my cheeks burned.

Cloud let his fingers tickle my hairline around my face, smiling, a real face that I was blessed to admire. His eyes then hardened a bit, and he asked, "Why didn't you have fun on your girl-girl date?"

I avoided his eyes when I bluntly replied, "Because Aerith decided to drink."

Cloud held back a chuckle.

"Really? Wow, that is scary."

We talked a little about the outing, the dancing, and gondola ride, but I didn't give away too many details. Cloud made a bitter face when he pictured Cid dancing in a club, and I laughed at it.

"The worst part of it is, the more she drank, the more frightened I was. Like, whatever Aerith was hiding, it was bad, really bad. And she needed to let it all go just for a hot second, bury it in a shallow grave. Drinking does dim the voices, but they just always come back," I explained, laying on my side and Cloud on his, facing each other to speak quietly in the dark, like what we've done before. Besides being naked, it felt no different from the other times we've shared our words in private, like back to being best friends telling secrets. Even though I've let Cloud inside, it still felt like the same Cloud here with me, the one I've travelled this world with since the very beginning, with or without his memories.

Our hands played in between our lips, fingers rubbing each other so lightly, it tickled.

"Do you hear them now, the voices of the Planet?" He asked, eying our fingers.

"No, not when I'm with you," I shared, and Cloud stared at me, not quite following.

"I don't understand it, but the past few times, when I'm near you, it's silent," I tried, uncertain if it was good or bad, maybe neither. Cloud leaned his face in, eyelids falling.

"Then you better stay close to me," he encouraged, and our lips touched. Slowly, he climbed on top of me, his kiss seeking more, with hands taking mine, holding them up and taking me hostage underneath him.

"Cloud, I may be too sore," I groaned, feeling him stiffen against me.

"Aqua, I know I've made you promise me difficult things already," he began, going a different route, and his forehead touched mine. I paid close attention, sensing a deep, uncertainty in Cloud that needed reassurance, a vulnerable part of him that he was willing to pull out and show me.

"Not using Materia. Telling me what's on your mind," he reminded, his eyes glowing seriously. He pushed himself up further, until he was directly above me, our eyes leveled. His thick spikes fell around his face, taking aim to strike.

"I need you to promise me you won't run away again. When you feel like it, just tell me. When you are searching for a place to hide or feel trapped, please tell me. I can't..." He swallowed, unwilling to lay out the rest, and turned his head, hiding the pain that flooded his eyes.

My hands tightened into Cloud's, feeling traces of his strength to be enough to chain me to the bed for days if he could, keeping me pinned like this until I gave him my word.

"Cloud," I began, unsure where I would go. To tell him that it was too difficult of a promise to keep, knowing too well of where I may end up, seemed the right choice. I wasn't one to give false hope, ready to admit that, but Cloud refused to hear it when my tone hinted such to him.

"Promise me you'll stay."

I bit my lower lip, fighting back the harsh mistress who is life, the bitch having other plans for me, and sadly, I knew that Cloud wanted to hear what HE wanted.

I caved, and I knew Cloud saw it. Like giving Aerith an escape for the night, Cloud took his turn, taking it from my words when I told him, "I promise, I will stay."

He let himself become blind, his desires, and passion fogging the truth, and he kissed me. I couldn't hold on for long, slipping away until I eventually let go, and became flooded with Cloud's delusions, believing them for the rest of the night. I startled him when I flipped us over, sitting in his lap.

"It's my turn," I whispered, taking control.

How many more promises does Cloud want from me? The more I make, the easier it will be to break one of them. I feared I knew which one it was going to be, but only if Aerith and I fail.

Am I cruel to gamble like this?

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