Jack
"There is another way to catch the suspect" DCI Rosse, commented to the room eyeing Nikki pointedly.
"No." Thomas argues immediately. "You are not using Dr Alexander as bait."
"Well, clearly he has his eye on her-" DS Peterson added in agreement with his DCI, referring to the nasty suspect who it has been caught on CCTV - obviously watching Nikki – leering at her.
"If it stops him from killing other people, Thomas." Nikki interrupts, appearing to agree to the idea of setting a trap.
I stare at her. Is she actually considering this? – after everything we've been through.
"He might kill you in the process!" Clarissa points out loudly.
"He might not." Nikki snaps. She's too confident for her own good sometimes. If there is a chance she can catch this dangerous man, she's determined that no one is going to stop her. He might stop her – for good.
"Nikki, can I have a word?" I remark in an usually calm voice – calmer than I feel. I'm not even sure where that 'calm' voice came from. Up to now I've been mostly staring at the table, unable to register what was going on. Only in a nightmare would Nikki agree to use herself as bait to a serial killer who had already shown a clear interest in her as his next victim. Only in a nightmare would a serial killer be after her.
Nikki looks at me as I stand up and make my way out of the room.
"Sure." She answers obediently following.
I hadn't meant to go as far as our office but I was sidetracked by trying to work out what to say. However, upon reaching our office I'm still unable to settle on a calm response, so instead - despite my best efforts - I suddenly spin around and snap at her "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Well done, Jack.
Nikki, somewhat shocked by my sudden outburst, after we had seemingly been about to engage in a calm conversation, stumbles backwards into her desk. I dart forward in horror as she yells upon her back making sharp contact with the corner. I try to catch her as she loses her balance and falls face-first into her office chair, which spins away from her and hits the wall leaving her deposited in a heap on the floor.
Once again my efforts to protect her fall short and she hits the floor.
Back in the meeting room, Thomas, Clarissa and the two policemen are apparently alarmed to hear such a commotion.
Rushing into the office, Thomas is met with the sight of me pulling Nikki back to her feet and stammering "Are you ok? Are you ok?" over and over again.
"I'm fine, Jack." She answers shakily. "It was an accident."
"What was an accident?" Thomas retorts sharply "What's going on?"
Refusing to make eye contact with me, Nikki gives Thomas a small smile. "Silly me, I wasn't looking where I was going and tripped over my desk. Sorry."
Basically ignoring the part where I almost terrified her into an early grave.
Bad choice of words considering there is a serial killer after her. Damn Jack.
Thomas sighs . "Are you really ok?"
Nikki is never going to say that she's not ok.
"Yes I'm fine Thomas." She repeats "Go back to the meeting. We'll be in soon."
She will. I'm not sure I can go back now. I've terrified my best friend.
End of the road, Jack.
"Well, if you're sure you're fine." He shrugs. "Be more careful in future." He chides her before he leaves again.
"Yes, Thomas."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I mutter after he's gone. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"You didn't." Nikki answers, her eyes remaining stubbornly on the floor. Clearly I did.
"Why can't you look at me then?" I whisper, half hoping she won't hear because I don't want to know that answer. It's blindingly clear that she has heard me but chooses not to respond. She still doesn't look at me, but instead moves her head to stare at the wall.
I'm distraught. Nikki is still trembling and doesn't dare to look at me out of fear. I keep telling myself that I need to pull her into a hug – like the way I did when I found out about her PTSD. I know I need to for both of us and it could be healing, but I can't bring myself to do so. I don't dare embrace her in case she shrinks away from me. She's terrified, so I think she might and if she does shrink away from me, I think it would kill me inside.
Instead I tell myself that I need to concentrate on the job in hand – stopping her from putting herself in immediate danger and before I can stop myself, the words tumble out. I regret them immediately. She looks devastated, but I can't go back. I wish I could – back to when we left the meeting room. I've made such a mess of this.
"If you do this, I will resign and you will never see me again. No contact. Nothing."
"Jack.." Nikki whispers her eyes filling with tears at my rough statement. It stabs at my heart.
I've made her cry now as well as making her fall and hurt herself on the desk. Crap, Jack.
I feel so guilty as it occurs to me that my words more or less mirror what I did after Mexico – she could have pointed that out but she hasn't – which makes me feel even worse.
Normally, she would have, like she did at the quarry when she confronted me after returning to work. That and the fact that she still can't look at me speaks volumes.
She's scared of me and I can't bear it. I'm supposed to look after her – to be the one she trusts more than anyone. I'm supposed to be her best friend, but I've betrayed her trust again by losing my temper, to the point that she automatically tried to retreat from me and injured herself doing so. I've damaged our friendship – again – irrevocably this time I'm sure. If I can't undo this. I have to go the other way.
"No." I force myself to say, fighting against the instincts that tell me to comfort the woman crying in front of me, because I know she's going to push me away out of genuine fear. I can't cope with that so instead I repeat through gritted teeth, "I mean it." stabbing at my own heart again – and hers. Then I flee the room.
But Nikki is not finished.
No sooner have I reached the front door of the Lyell centre, she arrives in front of me, wedging herself between the door and my painful, fastly-beating heart - and she's making eye contact again.
"In Mexico, they took me to get to you." She says quietly. I notice that she says 'they'. It's still too painful for her to admit who really put her in the box. Eva was meant to be her friend.
I'm meant to be her friend.
"I won't allow this man the chance to hurt you." she informs me fiercely.
"That's not his MO." I response softly. All my fear and anger gone. She's not scared of me, she was just in shock from falling over.
"I don't care, Jack. He could always change his MO. It depends how much he wants me." I wince at that as she continues "I won't take the risk. Please stay here where you're safe."
She wants me to be safe. She's intent on risking her own life, but she wants me safe. I cannot stay safe myself when I know she's not. I cannot see a happy ending to the nightmare she's intent on engaging in. He's going to catch her – and he's going to kill her.
"But you don't mind taking the risk of him killing you." I argue, the volume of my voice automatically rising. I don't want to scare her again but I can't bear this. "I'm sorry but I mean it Nikki. I'm going to leave and you won't see me again." I repeat, gripping the door handle behind her and hitting the button to unlock it.
"I mean it. You won't see her again." The words stab at my aching heart. The words Eva said to me in Mexico.
Nikki still hasn't finished, though - never mind my ultimation - she can give as good as she gets.
"If you go through this door, Jack" She responds quietly but firmly and refusing to break eye contact now. "I'm doing this and I don't care if I get killed. If you stay, I'll tell them I can't go through with it."
My Nikki is as stubborn as a mule when she wants to be – stubborn but beautiful.
This is stalemate.
I exhale a breath I don't realise I've been holding."Rosse and Peterson won't be happy." I comment, silently agreeing to stay. Of course I'm staying.
How could I not.
Nikki gently unpeels my hand from the door handle, but doesn't let go of it. "I don't care about them." She whispers back.
It's a few seconds before we realise that our lips have met. Our first kiss and it's everything I hoped it would be and more. As we break away, breathless, we fall into that hug I needed to give her. The hug she needed to give me. It seems to last forever.
"Come on, they'll be wondering where we are." Nikki eventually states softly giving my back a last gentle squeeze and as we reluctantly let go of each other, I whisper:
"You're really not hurt?"
She smiles. "I'm fine, Jack. I promise." And we head back to rejoin the meeting.
"Finally!" DCI Rosse exclaims at me when we arrive back, earning a frosty glare from Nikki on my behalf.
She sits down next to me and folds her arms stonily staring first at the formidable police presence, as they discuss the 'finer details' of using her as bait - repeatedly ignoring Thomas and Clarissa's attempts to stop them - , and then she just stares at the table.
I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed that she didn't swan back in the room and immediately withdraw her offer to do this, but I know she has every intention of doing so after our conversation.
Nikki, it seems, has been debating the best way to play this and has apparently decided that a sudden crisis of confidence is the right way to go.
A crisis of confidence. Not my Nikki. But then they are asking her to literally put her life on the line with a serial killer.
Nikki remains staring at the table for a while, as though she's deep in thought. I watch her protectively with fond intrigue. Oncer she's decided that enough time has lapsed, and quite out of the blue, she interrupts the police officers with an unusually nervous and stammering statement.
"I-I-I'm sorry. I can't do this."
Thomas and Clarissa stare at her with bated breath.
"What? Why not?" DCI Rosse rounds on her and then eyes me suspiciously. I return his glare with one of my best icy stares – saved solely for the police force.
Nikki stands up to divert his eyes from me. "Don't look at him." She retorts – seemingly growing in the confidence to say no. "This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I do not want to risk my life. We'll find another way. I'm sorry." She finishes, though I know she's not really sorry for pulling out.
For a few minutes, DCI Rosse and DS Peterson stare at her, scrutinising her. She returns the look fiercely and without blinking. Eventually they seem satisfied with her explanation. She's not going to be talked back into it.
"Fine!" Rosse snaps and turns back to examine the smart board with Peterson.
Both Thomas and Clarissa give Nikki a relieved look as she sits back down and smiles at me, her lack of confidence suddenly a distant memory. In fact it's like it never happened. Nikki pats my hand on the table with another smile – apparently not caring that the rest of the Lyell team are watching closely.
Rosse and Peterson might be convinced that I had nothing to do with her change of heart, but Thomas and Clarissa suspect otherwise.