Chapter Notes: I want to give a big thank you to everything who was kind enough to leave me a review on the last chapter. As always, all comments are warmly welcomed and I love hearing what you guys are thinking about my little story.
Trigger Warnings: Brief mention of past cult and child abuse.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Supernatural
Dean spots Castiel sitting on a bench in front of the Cloverdale Diner. His boyfriend is leaning forward, forearms resting on his knees, face angled toward the pavement by his feet. His body is illuminated in the pool of soft light emanating from a light fixture attached to the diner behind him. His head hangs in the dark just beyond the arc of light. Dean feels a rush of relief at seeing Castiel safe, even as his heart hurts for what the man might be going through. Dean parks in the first open spot he sees, a few down from where Castiel is sitting, because everything about what he's looking at makes Dean want to go to Cas instead of just honking to get the man to come to the car. Castiel doesn't look up until Dean is standing right next to him, and then he looks mildly surprised to find Dean so close.
"Hey Cas." Dean sits on the bench next to Cas. He rubs a palm on his boyfriend's lower back, over his trenchcoat, wishing they weren't in public and he could touch his skin instead. "Are you ok?"
Castiel nods, his expression on the softer side of neutral as he looks at Dean. "I am. I just needed to get out of the house for a while."
"I get it. I'm so, so sorry about what happened, Cas." Dean stills his hand, but leaves it against Cas's back. "I'm so sorry that Sam did what he did. He came to me with his idea a few weeks ago and I warned him not to do it. I told him it wasn't his place and that he needed to let you handle things however you wanted. I told him that. I want you to know that. I can't believe he did this anyway."
"I appreciate that." Cas lets out a soft exhale and Dean drops his hand onto his own lap. "Thank you for coming to get me, Dean."
"Yeah, of course." Dean says. "Thanks for letting me come get you."
Castiel studies Dean. "I know you're probably angry with me. As you should be for what I said to Sam…." Cas trails off and averts his eyes from Dean, staring into the parking lot in front of them.
"I'm not angry, Cas. Honestly." Dean lays a hand on Castiel's knee, hoping to comfort him. "When he first told me what you said, that you asked him if he wanted a spanking, I was more confused than angry. It seemed so unlike you. But, after he told me what he'd done." Dean huffs out a breath. "Well, your reaction made a little more sense." Dean watches Castiel slowly shake his head. "I just mean that I totally get saying something you don't necessarily mean when you're pissed, and he definitely gave you a reason to be pissed. I've said some shitty things to Sam before, too, when he was being difficult, and I don't think he's ever just blatantly disobeyed me about something this important. So, I get it, and I'm not mad at you. I'm plenty mad at Sam, though. I can tell you that much. And believe me, I let him know it, too."
Castiel keeps his gaze straight ahead in the dark. "Thank you for your understanding, sweetheart. That's very generous of you. But, what I said wasn't ok just because I was angry. I know that. I spoke to Sam the way my parents used to speak to me and my brothers. That is not acceptable to me, and it shouldn't be acceptable to you either, Dean." Cas's delivery is fairly neutral, but his last statement still stings like a reprimand, leaving Dean feeling disconnected from Cas and misunderstood. He automatically pulls his hand back from Castiel's knee and settles it on his own, then feels a rush of disappointment in himself for being so sensitive when Cas is the one who might be dealing with terrible news.
"I didn't mean that it's ok." Dean tries to clarify without sounding defensive. "Just that I can understand how it could have happened. I'm not saying that you threatening to hit my brother is acceptable to me just because I'm not pissed at you for it."
Castiel sighs softly. "I'm sorry, Dean. I should have phrased that differently. I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's fine, Cas. You didn't." Dean runs a hand over his mouth and looks away from Castiel. This isn't how he thought this conversation would go and he's feeling frustrated. "I was just trying to be supportive." Dean sighs. "What you said might not be ok, but it happened. I don't think running you down about it now is going to make anything better." Dean shrugs. "And, I just really don't want to run you down about it, anyway. I don't want you to ever feel like I'm not in your corner."
Dean can feel Cas turn toward him, and he returns the look. "Thank you, sweetheart. I always appreciate your support."
"Good, cause you always have it." Dean says.
"Let's go home." Castiel says, shifting his weight forward on the bench and slowly rising to his feet. Dean does the same, and they walk to the car side by side in silence. Dean unlocks the passenger door for Castiel first before walking around to the driver's side and getting in. Dean starts the car and uses both hands to steer as he backs out of the spot and exits the parking lot. Once on the street, he takes his right hand off the wheel and offers it to Cas, palm up, in the space between them on the bench seat. Dean watches Castiel out of the side of his eye and sees the man look down toward his hand a moment before he feels the warmth of the other man's hand in his, their fingers intertwining. Dean keeps his eyes on the road, but feels a small smile form on his face as he drives.
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Sam hears the front door open when Dean and Castiel enter the house. He can hear Dean quietly talking in the living room, but he can't make out any of the words. He feels relieved that they're home. Sam's never known Castiel to need this kind of space since he moved in with the man. Castiel is usually always willing to talk and be around him even when Sam's done something wrong. He remembers Castiel trying to get him to come downstairs and eat dinner with him the night Sam had had a meltdown and said horrible things to him. But, this tonight, not wanting to be around Sam, leaving the house without telling Sam, or even Dean, where he was going. This felt new and worrying. Sam really wishes he knew what the investigator had told Castiel about Gabriel so that he could understand whether Castiel's reaction is driven solely by anger over the invasion of his privacy or whether the man is also dealing with grief or distress over what he found out about his brother. If Castiel is just pissed about Sam going behind his back, Sam can handle that and brace himself through Castiel's anger and any punishment he gets with faith that what he did will be worth it once Castiel gets over Sam's deceit and ends up with a relationship with his brother. But, if Castiel found out that Gabriel is dead, or in prison, or a drug addict in a gutter somewhere and Castiel is being forced to deal with the kind of pain the man had been trying to avoid by not looking for Gabriel, Sam isn't sure what he did will ever feel forgivable to Castiel. And, he isn't sure he can blame the guy for that. Sam sighs. He hates not knowing.
He also hates not being able to explain himself. Part of him still believes that if Castiel understands how his plan was meant to work and how much care Sam had taken to protect his feelings, it will change how the man thinks about the whole situation. He gets that what he did wasn't right, regardless of what the investigator did on his end, he knows Dean was right about that, but he hopes Castiel won't see it as quite so wrong if he fully understands Sam's intentions. But, Sam knows he isn't going to get the chance to explain tonight. About twenty minutes ago, Dean had rapped on his bedroom door before pushing it open without waiting for an invitation. I'm going to go get Cas. You get ready for bed while I'm gone because I don't want you outta your room once he gets home. He doesn't want to talk to you tonight, Sammy, and I want you to respect that. Do you understand me? Sam's mind had flashed back to Cas sending him to his room, refusing to talk to him, telling him he didn't even want to look at him. Sam had nodded, feeling awful that Castiel hadn't gotten any closer to forgiving him during the intervening hours, and Dean had given him a small smile. It'll be ok, kiddo. It just might not be ok tonight, all right? Sam had nodded again, unsure he believed what his brother was saying. He'd already been sent to his room and now he was being sent to bed at nine o'clock because Castiel still didn't want to be in the same room with him. None of this seemed to indicate that it would be ok. Sam considers Castiel to be a turn the other cheek type of guy, and Sam recognizes that the man's unwillingness to even talk to him doesn't bode well.
Sam listens to the downstairs lights being switched off and to two sets of footsteps, soft on the living room rug, then louder as they climb the stairs. As they pass by Sam's room, he hears Castiel murmur inaudibly, then Dean's slightly louder, whispered response, he's ok, Cas, he understands. I told him to stay in his room and go to bed. He hears Castiel say something else he can't make out, then Dean huffs out a quiet laugh, yeah, well, if he's going to act like a little kid, he can have a bedtime like one. Sam hears the door to their bedroom shut, then it's quiet and Sam is left alone in the dark with his thoughts.
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Dean is lying in bed curled around Cas in the dark, his arm draped around his boyfriend, his hand gently rubbing circles on the man's chest through his tee shirt. "I like this." Dean says. "I should be the big spoon more often." He's not sure if his tone is too casual for whatever Cas is going through. He wants to let Cas lead, but Dean isn't good with silence when someone he loves is in pain, and Cas isn't volunteering much.
"I wouldn't object to that." Cas says. He circles Dean's wrist with his thumb and index finger and lifts it to his mouth, landing a gentle kiss on the inside. "You're just as good at being the big spoon as you are at being the little one."
"I should take care of you more." Dean doesn't realize he's going to say it until it's out of his mouth, and he feels a momentary pang of regret for making Cas's suffering about himself.
"Why do you say that, sweetheart?" Cas asks, his tone genuinely curious. As supportive as Cas is about everything to do with Dean, he tends to not bite when Dean, even inadvertently, fishes for compliments. Dean knows it's probably a good thing, since Cas tends to indulge him enough as it is.
"I don't know." Dean says. "It's just something I've been thinking about lately. That I want to get better at taking care of you. I just want to take care of you as well as you take care of me." Cas doesn't respond and Dean debates staying quiet and letting Cas fall asleep in peace. But, it's not even ten o'clock and Dean knows he won't be able to sleep anytime soon if he doesn't know what happened. "Cas, do you want to talk about it?" Dean asks. "Do you want to tell me what you found out from the investigator, about your brother?"
Dean listens to his boyfriend sigh lightly and he wonders if Cas thinks he's prying into stuff that isn't his business. "The investigator didn't tell me anything about Gabriel."
"Oh." Dean wasn't expecting that. "Does that mean he couldn't find him?"
"It means he didn't look for him." Cas says. "Your brother wasn't as clever as he thought he was." Something about Cas's intonation on your brother and the distance it seems to place between Sam and Cas jumps out at Dean. "The investigator became suspicious when Sam contacted him as me but provided both a new email address and phone number. Then the payment came through on a credit card belonging to Gavin Kendall. He had too many questions about the validity of the job and Sam's identity to even begin working on the case."
"Yeah." Dean says, dragging the pads of his fingertips slowly across Cas's chest as he considers this. "I can see how all of that could be a red flag, especially to someone who investigates shady people for a living."
"It concerns me that Sam believed his ill-conceived plan would work." Cas says, his tone carrying a subtle edge of condescension that unsettles Dean. It's not as if Cas is calling Sam stupid. Not exactly. He's merely questioning Sam's judgement about a plan that Dean can admit wasn't all that well thought out. "The initial deposit is normally non-refundable, but in this case the investigator offered to refund Gavin's card since Sam is a minor."
Dean is relieved about that, at least. He doesn't like the idea of Sam owing Gavin, but coming up with the extra cash to pay Gavin back on Sam's behalf would be difficult. "That was really decent of him."
"I asked him not to give Sam a refund." Cas's voice is neutral.
"You did?" Dean asks, his hand stills on Cas's chest in surprise at the harshness of Cas's decision. Dean thinks about how many hours Sam will need to work at whatever minimum wage job he gets this summer in order to pay Gavin the thirteen hundred dollars he owes him, and how far this debt is going to set Sam back in saving for a car.
"Yes." Cas says. "Sam was explicitly warned, by both of us, to not do what he did. Instead of listening, he chose to disobey. He can now deal with the consequences of his disobedience."
Dean makes himself resume petting Cas's chest as he reflects on why this feels different than other times that Cas has disciplined Sam. Dean normally feels grateful for, and if he's being honest with himself, a little jealous of, the discipline Cas tries to instill in his little brother. The rules and expectations that Cas has for Sam are purposeful and designed to help the kid build character and become a better person, unlike the chaotic parenting Dean had received from his dad, in which Dean was more likely to get yelled at or punished if something he had done inconvenienced his dad than if it demonstrated deliberate bad intentions or a lack of moral character. Dean often wonders how much better off he would have turned out, how much better his own sense of self-worth might be now, if his dad had parented him the way Cas parents Sam. When Dean watches Cas reprimand Sam for his attitude, or demand an apology when Sam is being disrespectful, or even tell him to sit up straight or make him ask permission to leave the dinner table or respond to them with a yes, Cas or yes, Dean, he's grateful that Sam has someone who cares enough to hold him accountable and who wants to mold him into the best person he can be. But, this, making Sam pay the investigator's fee, which will be a huge task for a sixteen year old, when Cas had been offered a way out of the situation, feels callous in a way that Dean has never associated with his boyfriend. Dean would prefer they punish Sam at home while still protecting him from negative consequences from the outside world as much as they can, and Dean had thought his boyfriend shared his thinking.
"That's a lot of money, Cas." Dean says it tentatively, not wanting to start an argument or make Cas think he's taking Sam's side or judging Cas's decision.
"It is." Cas says. "But, it's money that Sam chose to spend of his own free will, after we had both advised him not to. I don't have much sympathy for Sam having to make good on that debt. I think he has a lesson to learn here."
Dean sighs, not wanting to plead Sam's case when Cas is still so obviously angry with the kid. And, Dean can't actually argue with Cas's reasoning since Sam did initiate the charge and bring this upon himself. It just feels like too much, especially knowing that Cas was offered a reprieve. Dean hopes it's at least all Cas has in mind. "We're not going to punish him at home, too, are we?" Dean hears himself ask for Cas's decision and thinks about how quickly they have shifted from mutual agreement about Dean having the final say on anything related to Sam, to Dean deferring to Cas as the primary decision maker.
"I have no interest in punishing Sam further for this." Cas's tone is neutral, but Dean feels a twinge of discomfort in his stomach at the I have no interest part of the statement, as if Cas can't be bothered with dealing with Sam. "He's already grounded without his phone for two weeks. And, I believe having to pay off the thirteen hundred dollars will feel like sufficient punishment once Sam gets a summer job and realizes how many hours he'll need to work to pay that off." Cas pauses, then sighs. "I'm hurt and angry by what he did, Dean, but it's not my intention to punish him excessively. I think this is a situation in which Sam might learn more from experiencing his guilt and regret without receiving a punishment that might make him feel easily absolved."
Dean reflects on that. "Cas." He isn't sure how to ask what he wants to know without offending his boyfriend. "I know you said that the police are pretty sure that Sam will just get community service or a fine when he goes to court, and not any jail time. But, if it was more than that, if he was looking at being locked up in a juvenile facility…" Dean's voice gets quieter and more tentative. "Would you try to help him, or would you be ok with him experiencing the consequences of his behavior then, too?"
Cas doesn't speak for a moment. Then he squirms underneath Dean's arm and turns himself around so they're facing each other, close enough that Dean can see his boyfriend's eyes in the dark, narrowed in anger, his mouth a firm line. Dean swallows, regretting his question already.
"What kind of question is that, Dean?" Cas asks, his tone as angry as Dean's ever heard it. "Do you honestly think I would not do everything in my power to keep Sam from going to jail, even a children's facility? When the officer I spoke to mentioned jail as even a remote possibility, I was terrified for Sam. I can't stand the idea of Sam being locked up, alone and scared and at the mercy of strangers who may want to hurt him. The first thing I did at work today was speak to Naomi about what happened. She is very well-connected and I knew she would be able to refer me to an attorney who would be well suited to represent Sam in court. I am willing to spend whatever it takes to have someone qualified there for Sam on the off chance that the judge wants to be more punitive than just community service and a fine. I contacted the attorney this afternoon. We have an appointment to meet with him the day after tomorrow, on your day off. I would have told you about it sooner, but a whole new problem came up tonight, didn't it? So, tell me, Dean, what have you done about Sam's hearing?"
The question reeks of uncharacteristic mocking and sarcasm and Dean is so taken aback by Cas's intensity that he can't answer right away.
"I…...I haven't done anything." Dean's voice is hoarse. "Thank you for doing that, Cas. For everything you do for Sam. I didn't mean anything-"
"You did mean something, Dean." Cas cuts him off, and Dean just stares at him wordlessly, not used to his boyfriend interrupting him, but slightly relieved that he doesn't have to defend his question. "You meant that because I want Sam to experience the consequences of putting thirteen hundred dollars that he doesn't have on a friend's credit card in order to go behind both our backs and do something we explicitly told him not to, I must be a heartless monster who doesn't care about Sam at all and would be just as comfortable watching him rot in prison. That I must be just as callous and uncaring toward Sam as my parents were toward their children. Isn't that what you meant, Dean?"
Dean lowers his gaze under the weight of the reprimand, the unfairness of his accusation hitting him. "I'm sorry, Cas-" His voice is barely a whisper.
"Do you honestly not see a difference in these two sets of consequences?" Cas asks. "Having to pay off a debt he created out of arrogance and disobedience versus being locked in a juvenile detention center?"
"I do, Cas. I'm sorry." Dean looks up and makes eye contact. "I just, I don't know, got freaked out, I guess, by how angry you are at him. I've never seen you this mad before…."
"I am mad, Dean. What he did was invasive and disrespectful and hurt me very much." Cas says and Dean feels himself cowering from the anger in his boyfriend's voice. "But, I am still Sam's parent, or at least I will be soon, and I still love him and take my responsibility to raise him and care for him very seriously." Cas levels a stern look at Dean. "Are you done questioning my loyalty to Sam now?"
Dean feels himself wilting under Cas's glare. He feels heat behind his eyes, as if he could cry, and he feels stupid for letting himself get so emotional, like a small child whose has been chastised.
"Yeah." It's little more than a whisper. "Sorry." He feels dampness pooling in his eyes and he knows Cas must see it, because the man's eyes soften. Cas reaches a hand up to Dean's cheek and Dean instinctively flinches, the way he used to with his dad when he was younger. Cas pulls his hand back slightly, stills it a few inches from Dean's face, in a show of harmless intent.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart." Cas says, his tone softer and more sincere now. "I was only going to touch your cheek. Gently. I realize I have upset you and I wanted to offer you comfort."
Dean feels a wave of shame at his reaction. "I'm sorry, Cas. I don't know why I did that." Dean takes in the sadness in Cas's eyes as the man slowly and gently lowers his hand to cup Dean's cheek with his palm. Dean shifts his head on the pillow to turn his face into Cas's touch. "I know you wouldn't hit me."
Cas wiggles forward on the bed, closing the distance between them until his face is mere inches from Dean's. "I love you, Dean. And, I love Sam. And, I know I'm not handling what Sam did very well. I'm sorry that I'm so angry, sweetheart. What he did…...I don't do well with surprises or having my boundaries violated and I don't do well with things that take me back to my childhood and this was all of those. How I'm feeling tonight doesn't mean that I don't treasure you and Sam more than anything else in this world. I'm sorry that I hurt you and so very sorry that I failed to handle my anger to the point that I made you feel unsafe."
Dean turns his face further into Cas's hand and lands a soft kiss on the center of his palm. "It's ok, Cas. You never make me feel unsafe." Cas turns his hand and rubs his knuckles gently down Dean's cheek and jaw. "I don't know why I did that. I just got thrown off for a sec. I know you wouldn't hurt me, or Sam."
"I hope you do know that, sweetheart." Cas moves his hand to cup the back of Dean's neck.
Dean nods. "I do. I'm sorry for what I asked about Sam going to jail. I was just….surprised that you turned down the offer of a refund. I think I thought you were being too much of a hardass about it, and it got me worried about what else you might think Sam deserved…" Dean watches Cas open his mouth and rushes to finish his thought before Cas can take what he's said the wrong way. "But, I get it. Sam having to pay off the investigator will suck for him, but it won't hurt him or put him in danger. It feels like tougher love than I'm comfortable with, but I get it. Sam made his bed all by himself. I guess he should have to fix what he did by himself, too."
"I'm glad you understand, sweetheart." Cas says, his expression serious. "If Sam is fined at his hearing, I'm going to want him to take responsibility for paying that off as well. I see paying for his attorney's fees as part of our parental responsibility to bring about the best outcome possible for Sam and keep him safe, but I believe paying off the fines assessed for Sam's wrongdoing should be his responsibility. If there is a time limit that he can't meet, I'm fine with us loaning him the money to pay off the fines and Sam repaying us this summer once he has a job."
"Cas." Dean wants to make one more attempt to get leniency for his brother. It's been a long time since Cas has worked minimum wage jobs and he might not understand how much the investigator's fees and court fines might impact Sam. "If Sam needs to pay back Gavin and pay a court fine on top of that, he probably won't be able to save much for a car this summer. You know the minimum wage in Kansas is only like seven fifty an hour, right? He might end up spending his summer just working to pay off his debt."
"You're right. He might." Cas nods solemnly. "And I hope the experience will serve as a reminder to not spend money he doesn't have and to not engage in criminal activity. I'm not sure what else you want me to say here, Dean."
Dean sighs. "I don't know, Cas. I don't know what I want you to say either. I'm just feeling bad for Sammy, I guess."
"I see that." Cas says. "Is there anything else you want us to discuss about this? I feel strongly that Sam pay off these amounts, but I want us to be on the same page. I would like us to always be on the same page when it comes to decisions regarding Sam."
"I want that, too, Cas." Dean says. He takes a big breath. "I think this is just bringing up some old shit for me…"
"In what way?" Cas asks.
Dean shrugs the shoulder he's not lying on. "Just something that happened with my dad once….."
"Can you tell me about it?" Cas starts to rub his thumb gently at the base of Dean's skull, and Dean feels himself melting into the touch. "If it's something you don't want to talk about, I will respect your privacy, but I would love to listen if you want to share it with me."
Dean exhales slowly. "When I was fourteen, I got arrested for shoplifting." Dean studies Cas's face as best he can in the dark for signs of judgement, but all he sees are the same concern and empathy that Cas always holds for him, especially for stories about his childhood. "I just stole food from a convenience store, like bread and peanut butter and stuff. My dad had been gone a long time for a job and the money he left had run out and me and Sam needed to eat. I got caught, and my dad totally hung me out to dry. He didn't get me a lawyer, didn't come to court with me or fight for me in any way. He dropped me off in front of the courthouse for my hearing. He didn't even get out of the car. He told me that if I was dumb enough to get caught stealing, I deserved whatever I got. That's how he worded it, that I was stupid enough to get caught, because he wasn't all that pissed that I stole, just that I got caught and brought all this police and social services attention down on us. I know it's not the same, but when you were talking about letting Sam deal with the consequences of what he did, like the real consequences, not just us punishing him at home, it kind of brought me back to that. I know it's not the same thing. I get that. It just made me think of how my dad treated me when I got in trouble with the law and I don't ever want Sam to feel like we're hanging him out to dry, or to look back on this the way I look back on that."
Cas nods and Dean can tell he's taking Dean's concerns seriously. "I can understand now how this would be triggering for you because of what your father did. Thank you for sharing this with me Dean. And, I know you realize these are different circumstances. Sam will need to work to pay off his debt before he can start saving for a car, but he will be safely at home with his family, being loved and cared for and emotionally supported and given rides when he needs them. I don't think Sam will be happy that I turned down the offer of a refund, but I don't believe he will feel hung out to dry, as you did by your father not defending you." Cas pauses. "Do you believe what I'm suggesting will make Sam feel about us the way you did toward your father, Dean?"
Dean shakes his head against the pillow. "No, probably not. You're so different from my dad. I don't think you could ever make someone you love feel the way my dad used to make me feel."
"I'm sorry that your father was the way he was with you, sweetheart." Cas's eyes are sad. "It hurts me knowing that you were raised to believe that so many things were your fault when they weren't. You should never have been put in the position of having to steal to feed yourself and your brother. No fourteen year old should have to do that."
This is a familiar conversation. Dean has shared many aspects of his childhood with Cas and knows that Cas doesn't approve of the bulk of his upbringing. Dean always feels unworthy of sympathy from Cas, whose childhood was so much worse than his own.
"Thanks, Cas." Dean says. "I know it was nothing compared to what you went through as a kid, though…"
"Dean?" Dean takes in the stern but loving look in his boyfriend's eyes, the look that's always there when Cas is teaching Sam something that he believes is for the boy's own good. "Is it a contest?"
Dean huffs out a quiet laugh. This is familiar territory between them, too, the idea that Dean deserves compassion for his childhood pain even if he wasn't treated as cruelly as Cas was.
"No, Cas. It's not a contest." Dean watches Cas smile and feels a matching smile forming on his own face. "There's room for both of us to be messed up and emotionally damaged."
"As long as we're messed up and emotionally damaged together, I'm ok with that, my love." Cas grins at Dean and for the first time since hearing what Sam had done, Dean feels like things are going to be ok.
"There's no one I'd rather be messed up and emotionally damaged with." Dean says.
"So, does this mean that we're on the same page about Sam?" Cas asks.
"Yeah, I think so." Dean says. "I still feel like it's a little….harsh, I guess, but it's not exactly undeserved, so yeah, I'm ok with it."
"I'm glad to hear that. I don't ever want to force something on you that you don't agree with, especially when it comes to Sam." Cas says.
"I know, and I appreciate that." Dean says. "And, I love you."
"I love you, too, sweetheart." Cas leans in and kisses Dean's mouth softly, then pulls back and rests the side of his head back on his pillow. "And, I would love to talk about something other than Sam now. Why don't you tell me about your day?"
"It was ok." Dean says. "It was definitely better than yesterday."
"I'm glad to hear that." Cas says. "Is the computer training feeling more manageable?"
"Actually yeah." Dean soaks up Cas's attention as he fills him in on his work day.
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Sam walks down the stairs slowly, his backpack slung over one shoulder, exhausted from a night of lying in bed worrying when he should have been sleeping. If he were on better terms with Cas right now, he'd ask if he could stay home from school, but he knows he doesn't deserve any special favors today. This morning he just needs to take whatever Cas wants to give him, and look for an opening to explain himself. Sam smells eggs frying as he approaches the kitchen and hears the sound of the spatula clicking against the frying pan. He takes a deep breath and walks in.
"Hey, Cas." Sam feels a flutter of nerves in his stomach over the reaction he might get and he wishes Dean hadn't had to leave for work so early and could be here for this.
Castiel turns from the stove, wearing a red apron over his work clothes, the sleeves of his light blue dress shirt folded up past his elbows. Sam's mind flashes to Cas rolling up the sleeves of a similar shirt the previous night when he had threatened to spank him and he feels his cheeks warm with embarrassment at the memory.
"Good morning, Samuel." Cas pauses in moving the spatula through the scrambled eggs to study Sam carefully, his expression serious. "Are you all right? You look exhausted, and your face is flushed."
"Oh, uh, yeah." Sam says. "I'm ok. I'm just tired."
Cas frowns. "Did you get any sleep?"
"Some." Sam says. "I was, uh, kind of worried about everything. It took me forever to fall asleep."
"I didn't sleep very well either." Cas tells him. "Come here please, Samuel." Cas points the spatula at the area of the tile floor directly in front of him and wipes his other hand on his apron. "I want to check your temperature." Sam obediently approaches Cas and submits to having the back of the man's hand pressed against his forehead for a moment, then his cheek. "You feel warm." Cas removes his hand and turns back to the stove, turning off the flame under the eggs. He looks at Sam over his shoulder. "Are you sure you're not feeling poorly? If you think you would benefit from staying home from school today, you may." Cas lifts the pan from the stove and divides the eggs onto two waiting plates. Four slices of bread pop out of the toaster and Cas pulls them out, setting two on each plate next to the eggs. Sam watches Cas carry both plates to the table and set them down next to forks on napkins and one cup of coffee and one glass of orange juice. Sam sets his backpack down on the floor and joins Cas at the table, sitting in front of the place setting with the orange juice. Cas pulls his apron off, hangs it on a hook and takes a seat across from Sam. "I won't be able to stay home with you this time, but I think you're old enough to be permitted to stay home alone if you feel you need to rest."
"Thanks, Cas." Sam says. "I'm ok." He lowers his eyes to his plate. "I don't really think I deserve a day off, but I appreciate that you're still being nice to me after….everything."
"Look at me, Samuel." Cas's voice is stern, but not unkind, and Sam responds automatically, looking up and making eye contact. "I will always be nice to you. I feel angry and hurt and betrayed by what you did, but I still love you and caring for you is still my highest priority. That includes being nice to you and allowing you to rest when you're feeling poorly."
"I'm sorry I made you feel like that, Cas, that I hurt you like that." Sam says. "I'm sorry about everything."
"Thank you, Samuel." Cas says. "I appreciate the apology, but that doesn't change how I feel right now." Sam feels Cas studying him intently.
"I know. I know it doesn't. I know I can't fix everything that easily." Sam wants to know what happened, needs to know what happened, but isn't sure he has the right to ask. "Can I, uh, ask what the investigator found out about your brother?"
Cas cocks his head to one side thoughtfully, still studying Sam. "Samuel, last night I called you a disobedient child and you informed me that you are not a child. Do you remember that?"
Sam feels a spike of apprehension. "Um, yeah. Yes, Cas." He speaks slowly and hesitantly.
"Then you won't mind if I speak to you as an adult now, will you?" Cas asks.
Sam is unsure where this is leading and feels a flutter of butterflies in his stomach. "Yes, Cas. I mean, no, Cas, I won't mind if you talk to me like an adult."
Cas nods. "Then I will first tell you that anything the investigator may have found out about Gabriel is not your concern. You did not have the right to pry into my personal business to begin with and you do not have the right to be made aware of anything the investigator learned. You are not entitled to invade my privacy the way you did just because you care about me and thought I would benefit from being reunited with my brother. Do you understand me, Samuel?"
Cas's voice is serious but not unkind, and Sam feels ashamed to realize he did still feel entitled to Cas's private information even after having an entire night to reflect on how much what he had done had upset Cas. "Yes, Cas." Sam hears his voice crack. "I'm sorry."
Cas sighs. "That being said, I know you believe you had devised a solid plan so that I would be spared any bad news about my brother, but your approach raised the suspicion of the investigator. When he called me last night, it was to confirm whether I had really contacted him to engage his services with a new email address and phone number and a credit card issued to someone named Gavin. He wanted to verify the legitimacy of your identity before he began to search for Gabriel."
"Oh." Sam feels a wave of humiliation at having his plan come across so transparently to the investigator. "So, does that mean he never even looked for him?"
"That's correct, Samuel. He did not start investigating because he questioned the validity of the request."
This was an outcome that Sam hadn't considered and he feels relieved that Cas hasn't learned anything horrible about Gabriel, but he also feels deflated at the realization that everything he did, all the trouble he got himself into, and how much he hurt Cas, the guarded way Cas is looking at him now, was all for nothing.
"The thirteen hundred dollar deposit you paid is typically non-refundable, but the investigator offered to refund it once he learned you were a minor and my child." Sam knows he should be relieved about that, but he feels too disappointed that his plan failed to care about the money right now. "I asked him to hold you accountable for making good on the payment anyway because I feel that it might help you learn a lesson from this. And as you told me, you are not a child. You knew what you were doing was wrong and you did it anyway, so I don't believe you should be given special consideration due to your age." Cas is studying him closely. "Can you understand why I did that, Samuel, and why I think it's appropriate?"
Sam nods. "Yes, Cas. I get that I deserve it. And, I'll pay Gavin back as soon as I get a job this summer. I only have to pay the minimum due on his credit card until then and I already figured out how much that will be and I can pay it out of my allowance."
"I'm glad you understand." Cas says. "I want to apologize for threatening you with a spanking last night. It was wrong of me." Cas glances briefly down at the plate in front of him before looking back up at Sam. The shame in Cas's eyes hurts Sam's heart and he wishes he had never reached out to the investigator, that he had just left everything alone like Cas and Dean told him to. "I felt…...very upset, and hurt and surprised in that moment and I didn't plan to say what I did. It just…..came out. It was the exact phrase that my parents used with me whenever I was about to be spanked, or beaten, when I was a child. I'm not trying to use my upbringing as an excuse for what I said to you, because there is no excuse for my behavior, but I would like you to understand what I said in context. I am very sorry, Samuel, for what I said, for how I said it, for rolling up my sleeves as though I were going to follow through on my threat, for surely embarrassing you, for all of it. I hope you will consider my apology and be able to forgive me at some point even if you cannot right now."
Sam feels instantly lighter. He doesn't need to consider anything. "It's ok, Cas. I forgive you. I forgive you so much. I would forgive you even if you had…hit me." Sam can't bring himself to use the word spank. It's too embarrassing. "My dad hit me before and I always got over it. And, I love you that much, too."
Cas gives him a small but warm smile. "Thank you, Samuel. That's very generous of you. I think it might take some time for me to catch up with you and forgive myself."
"I'm sorry for what I did, too, Cas. So sorry!" Sam rushes to get everything out, to get to the point where everything is good between them again. "I get that it was wrong, and that I didn't have the right to go behind your back, or pretend I was you, and that your personal family stuff isn't any of my business, and that it wasn't my place to make that decision for you no matter how much I wanted to help you. You were right last night. I didn't listen to you or Dean. I was being a disobedient child and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me, too?"
"I appreciate your apology, Samuel. Very much. I appreciate you taking responsibility for your actions, and I forgive you." Cas weighs his words carefully as he speaks. "But, I want to treat you like an adult and be completely honest with you, so while I will never withhold forgiveness from you when you are sincerely sorry for something you've done, as I believe you are now, I need to tell you that it's going to take me a little while to let go of feeling hurt and angry over what you did. It's not easy for me to move past someone breaking my trust and violating my privacy the way you have. I want to move past this with you. I am doing my best to get myself to that point, and I believe I will get there sooner rather than later, but I would be lying if I told you that I'm there now. And, I don't wish to lie to you. I don't think that would help to reestablish trust between us." Cas pauses and studies Sam carefully. "Can you understand that?"
It is the opposite of what Sam expected and he feels tears pricking his eyes. He nods his head wordlessly, not trusting himself to speak without tearing up.
"Thank you, Samuel." Cas says. "But, please know that even now, I love you with all my heart and will do my best to care for you and be there for you however I can. Nothing changes that. Ever."
Sam nods again.
"You really may stay home today, Samuel." Cas says. "I can call you in once I get to the office. You've had a rough couple of days. I think the rest will do you good."
Sam nods and sniffs. "Ok. Yeah, thanks." His voice feels embarrassingly strained with emotion.
"I'll return your phone to you for the day in case there's any sort of emergency and you need to reach out to Dean or myself or call for help. I would like to be able to trust you to not take advantage of this and text with your friends. Can you do that for me, Samuel?"
Sam nods. "Yes, Cas." He almost adds you can trust me, but he realizes how stupid that would sound right now.
"Thank you." Cas gives him a small smile. "I love you, Samuel."
"I love you, too." Sam tells him.
"Now, eat your breakfast, please." Cas says.
Sam nods and stares down at his breakfast plate through damp eyes. He has no interest in food, but he wants to please Cas. He stabs a fluffy piece of egg and brings it to his mouth.
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Dean lets himself into the house to find Sam sitting on the couch with a laptop propped on a throw pillow on his lap. The boy's already looking toward the door expectantly, smiling and looking happy to see his older brother.
"Hey, Dean."
"Hey, kiddo." Dean returns his little brother's smile. "You feeling better? Cas said you looked like shit warmed over this morning."
Sam laughs. "Cas did not say that."
Dean grins. "I may have paraphrased his text a little. You look good now, though." Dean walks behind the couch and bends to playfully wrap an arm around Sam's neck in a loose chokehold, placing his other palm on the kid's forehead. "Hmm…...You feel ok to me."
"Dean." Sam's tone is annoyed, but he's giggling as he tries to unwrap Dean's arm and push his brother off him. "I'm fine. Stop!"
Dean releases his brother and ruffles his hair as he stands back up. Dean realizes he's probably better as a fun big brother than as an actual parent to Sam, and while it sometimes worries him that he isn't dad-like enough for Sam, especially with their actual dad gone, he's recently started feeling more comfortable just being himself with his brother again. He knows on some level it's because he trusts Cas to be the real dad-type person in Sam's life. He knows it might not exactly be fair to Cas, but it lets him hold onto some of his favorite parts of his relationship with his brother, like the teasing and mocking and roughhousing.
"I'm ok, Dean." Sam cranes his neck around to face his brother, and Dean walks around the couch to sit on the armchair so they can see each other. "I was more tired than anything. Cas offered to let me stay home and rest."
Dean spots Sam's phone on the coffee table and frowns. "Hey, why's your phone down here, Sammy?" Dean can feel himself getting annoyed and angry, that Sam would break the rules of his grounding like this, and that Dean was going to have to reprimand him for it. Cas had texted him to let him know that he had spoken to Sam over breakfast and that things were good between them, and Dean had really wanted to just come home to a peaceful domestic situation and not have to deal with any shit from Sam for the first night this week. "Did you seriously sneak your phone out of our room while you're grounded?" He can feel his voice rising. He thinks about Sam taking the investigator's business card off his and Cas's dresser and knows that Sam had to violate their privacy even more to find the phone, which Cas had tucked into their shared underwear drawer. "Do you realize how disrespectful that was? I can't believe you did that! Jeez, Sammy, it's like I can't trust you at all anymore!"
"What?" Dean watches surprise flicker across his brother's face, followed by hurt and then anger. "That's not what happened, Dean!" Sam raises his voice to match his brother's. "How about you back off since you have no idea what you're talking about?"
"Watch your attitude, Sammy." Dean leans forward in his chair and glares at his brother. "Don't talk to me like that."
"Why not?" Sam asks, roughly shoving his computer off his lap onto the couch cushion next to him and tossing the throw pillow on the floor. "It's how you're talking to me."
"Sammy-"
"Just take it, Dean." Sam leans forward and snatches the phone off the coffee table and chucks it at Dean, hard. With only a few feet between them, Dean barely has time to react and raise an arm to protect his face before the phone connects with his shoulder and bounces onto the floor.
"What the fuck, Sammy!" Dean yells.
Sam's eyes are wide and Dean recognizes that Sam shocked himself, too.
"What the hell is wrong with you tonight?" Dean asks. "Are you seriously not in enough trouble that you need to start more shit?"
"I'm sorry." Sam says quietly, not looking at Dean. "I didn't sneak my phone out. Cas gave it back to me."
Dean scoffs. "That's bullshit. Don't lie to me." Dean knows Cas wouldn't override part of Sam's punishment without talking to him first.
"He did." Sam insists. "Just for today. He didn't want me home alone without a way to call you guys if something happened."
Oh. Well that definitely sounds like something responsible that Cas would think of that Dean probably wouldn't have thought of on his own. "Why didn't you just tell me that instead of throwing your phone at me?"
"Are you serious?" Sam looks toward Dean with an incredulous expression. "You didn't really give me a chance. You just started in on me yelling." Sam huffs out a breath. "It's like you were dad."
Dean thinks that over and realizes Sam has a point. Dean had felt disrespected and gotten hot and started yelling before he understood what was going on. They had both been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment from their dad many times during their childhood, and Dean knows how much it sucks.
"You're right, Sammy." Dean says. "I should have given you a chance to explain before I laid into you. I'm sorry."
Sam huffs as he pulls his laptop back over to him, grabbing another throw pillow off the couch to prop the computer on. "Yeah, it's fine, Dean." Everything about his tone tells Dean otherwise.
"Look, Sammy." Dean says as he reaches down and picks up Sam's phone from where it landed on the floor by his feet. "I didn't mean to accuse you unfairly. I saw your phone and I thought you were breaking the rules of your grounding-" Dean watches Sam start to open his mouth and rushes to cut him off before he can interrupt. "Which isn't out of the question since the last few days have been a complete shitshow with you getting into some new kind of trouble everyday. Can you maybe see where I was coming from a little?"
"Yeah, whatever." Sam says, focusing his gaze on his laptop screen so he doesn't have to make eye contact with Dean. "I said it's fine."
"I'm sorry for losing it on you." Dean scrapes a hand over his head and through his hair. "I'm sorry for coming off like dad." Dean thinks about all the times his dad had yelled at him when he was Sam's age, and how powerless and misunderstood he felt, too intimidated to speak up for himself or try to explain, just waiting out the man's angry outburst with lots of nods and yes, sir's. "You deserve better than that, Sammy. And, I want to be better than that for you. I'm sorry, kiddo. Honestly."
Sam looks up, his mouth curled down in a sad frown. "Thanks, Dean. And, you weren't just like dad. Dad would have completely flipped out if I'd thrown a phone at him."
Dean huffs out a laugh. "Un, yeah, you would have really been in for it then."
"He probably would have slapped me." Sam says quietly, eyes back on his computer.
"Yeah, I'd say that would have been the likeliest outcome." Dean agrees. "But, you know what?"
Sam looks at him curiously.
"I don't think you ever would have winged your phone at dad like that, no matter how pissed off you were." Dean says.
Dean watches his brother consider this. "Yeah, you're probably right. I can't picture throwing something at dad."
Dean scoffs. "Yeah, not unless you had a death wish." Dean pauses and thinks. "I don't think you would ever throw something at Cas either." Dean studies his brother for a reaction. "Even if he was accusing you of something you didn't do."
Sam laughs lightly at that. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that chucking a cell phone at his head would fall under disrespectful and inappropriate behavior that would be very frowned upon."
"Yeah, it definitely would." Dean reflects on how Cas would react if Sam were to throw his phone at him. He knows the situation wouldn't have arisen the same way, because Cas wouldn't have been yelling at Sam to begin with. Cas was so much better at staying calm and treating Sam with respect even when the kid was being a little shit. Dean gets that his own tendency to be playful and minimize Sam's bad behavior likely contributes to how casually Sam treats him. While he appreciates that Cas has fallen into the role of Sam's primary disciplinarian, he isn't totally comfortable with just being Sam's brother any more either. Part of him wants the same level of respect that Sam gives Cas, but another part of him realizes that to get it he would likely need to adjust his behavior and possibly lose some of the more brotherly aspects of his relationship with Sam that he treasures most. Dean never would have believed his relationship with the kid he loves more than anything could ever feel as complicated as it had become this past year since his dad's death. "You do realize it was pretty disrespectful and inappropriate to throw something at me, too, right?"
Sam sighs dramatically. "Yes, Dean." It's the same phrase the kid uses to address Cas, but the tone is more mocking than Sam would ever use on Cas. "I know it was. I'm sorry, ok? I know I shouldn't have thrown my phone at you. Happy now?"
Dean raises an eyebrow. "How could I not be, with that sincere and heartfelt apology?"
Sam huffs out a laugh, then gives Dean a serious look. "I am sorry, though. Ok?"
"Yeah, it is ok, Sammy. We all do stupid shit." Dean says. "But, I'm thinking that maybe we both need to treat each other a little better. That's all."
"Yeah." Sam says. "All right. You might have a point." Sam sighs again, then allows a small smirk onto his face. "I'll try not to throw any more stuff at your head if you try to be less of a dick."
Dean frowns and Sam laughs. Sam's expression turns self-conscious when Dean doesn't return the smile. "What? I can't call you a dick anymore?"
"I don't know." Dean says. "I feel like we're in this weird place now. I know I'm not dad, but I'm not just your brother anymore, either. Me and Cas are going to adopt you next month. I'm going to technically be your parent. It feels different when you say stuff like that now."
Sam sighs. "I don't want things to change again when you guys adopt me. Everything's already changed so much this year."
"I know. I know it has, Sammy." Dean says.
"I wouldn't even want you to adopt me if it wasn't for Cas." Dean knows he must not be hiding his hurt very well when Sam instantly starts to backpedal. "Wait, I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I just mean that I want you guys to adopt me so that me and Cas will be family, like officially. But, if Cas didn't exist and it was just me and you, I'd be ok with just being your brother. I don't want to have to act differently with you. I like how you and me have always been. You've been my main person my whole life, and I don't want how we are with each other to change. I don't know if that's me being selfish, like wanting to have it both ways, or whatever. But, I don't know. That's just how I feel."
"I know your whole life's been a mess this year, Sammy." Dean says. "I know everything got turned upside down for you when we lost dad. And, I know I don't tell you this enough. I don't know if I've ever told you this, actually, but you've been so amazing about adapting to everything that's come at you this year. A new school, new friends, new basketball team, a new home, living with Cas, and our relationship being kind of different than how we used to be. You've handled everything with so much maturity, Sammy. I'm really proud of you for that, and I'm really grateful that you've been so open to all these changes, especially accepting Cas. I had to switch schools and friends a lot, too, because we moved around so much for dad's work, but I never had to deal with him bringing a girlfriend home and telling me I had to listen to her like a parent and accept her as my family. I know that couldn't have been easy. I know it was a huge adjustment for you when we first moved in here, and you've been so great about it, Sammy. I'm so impressed with you, kiddo. I want you to know that."
Dean studies the thoughtful look on his brother's face. "Thanks, Dean. Everything has changed, but Cas actually ended up being a good change. And, yeah, stuff has changed with us, but it hasn't been all bad."
"Oh, no?" Dean asks.
"No, I mean, sometimes I miss how much easier stuff was with us, when I didn't have to worry that you were going to yell at me or come down on me for something." Sam says. "But, sometimes how you are now is….nice, too. Like, I think Cas must be rubbing off on you because you say stuff to me that you wouldn't have said before. You tell me you love me more than you ever did before. You hug me more. And, like how you just told me that you were proud of me for adjusting to Cas and everything. You're more…...sincere and kind of dad-like in a way that you didn't used to be, and I don't mean dad-like, like our dad. I mean I love dad, so much, and I miss him every day, but he was a different kind of dad. You're more open and emotional, I guess, with me now." Sam shrugs. "And, sometimes I feel like I really need that." Dean can see the blush lightly coloring Sam's face. "I don't know. It's just something I've noticed. I think it's part dad being gone, but like I said, I think Cas might be rubbing off on you, too."
Dean nods. "He might be. Cas is a pretty good parent, isn't he?"
"Yeah." Sam says. "He really is. He's kind of like a dad you'd see on a TV show. He never hits or yells. He never loses his shit. He's always willing to talk to me and listen to me. He's just really…...fair, I guess, with how he treats me, even when I'm being an asshole. So, yeah, he's a really good parent."
Dean nods, considering this and debating how to respond. "I think he works so hard at being a good parent to you because his own childhood was so fucked up." Dean says. "He wants to make sure he does the right things for you and that you feel supported in ways that he never did with his parents. You should see all the parenting books and articles he's read since you moved in. For the first couple of months we lived here, he brought some kind of book on how to parent teenagers to bed with him every night. He's chilled a little, but he still researches lots of parenting advice online when stuff comes up with you."
Sam huffs out an affectionate laugh. "Yeah, I can picture him doing that. It's so Cas, like two parts diligence and one part dorkiness."
Dean thinks back to an earlier conversation between himself and Sam, when Sam had mocked Cas behind his back because the kid hadn't wanted to eat dinner alone with Cas while Dean worked late. Dean remembers shooting down Sam's jokes and scolding him about it until the kid was in tears. Because he knew then that Sam hadn't genuinely liked Cas enough for mocking the guy to be anywhere near acceptable to Dean. But, Dean thinks about how different it feels now to have Sam call Cas dorky. He knows Sam loves Cas now and doesn't mean any harm by it, and it makes Dean feel warm and happy.
"Yeah, Cas can be a dork, but he's a very well-meaning and lovable dork." Dean says.
"Oh, yeah, of course." Concern flashes across Sam's features. "You know I didn't mean that in a bad way, right? I love Cas."
"I know you do." Dean says. "It's ok, Sammy. I know you were just playing." Dean wonders if Sam is thinking about the last time he made fun of Cas, too.
"Dean…" Sam says. "Did Cas tell you that he's having trouble getting over what I did….. with the investigator?"
"Yeah. He told me." Dean says. "He told you because he wanted to be honest with you, Sammy. But, he still loves you very much and he will get past it at some point. He just needs a little time. He's not good with surprises or having his privacy invaded. But, you guys will be ok. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, that's what he told me." Sam says. "It just feels so bad. Cas is always so good to me. He's like, all about forgiveness and compassion. It sucks knowing I hurt him so bad that he can't get over it."
"He can't yet, but he will." Dean says. "He loves you so much, kiddo. Cas feels bad about the whole thing, too."
"He said that, too." Sam says. Dean isn't sure what to say so he watches his brother look lost in thought for a moment. "Hey, Dean?"
"Yeah?" Dean asks.
"Just because Cas is like a perfect TV dad, doesn't mean I don't need you, too." Sam looks at Dean with worried eyes. "Even if you lose it on me sometimes, you're the most important person in my life. You're the only person who has always been there for me, no matter what, my whole life, every single day. You know that, right?"
Dean nods. "Yeah, Sammy, I do."
"And, I only even have Cas because of you, so really, Cas is just one more good thing in my life that you've given me."
Dean feels a warm smile spreading across his face. "It makes me so happy that you have him, and that you appreciate him. You have no idea." Dean stands and bends toward the couch, pushing Sam's hair back with one hand and landing a kiss on the kid's forehead. "You are such a great kid. I hope I tell you that enough."
Sam stands up and wraps his arms around Dean's waist, squeezing tightly. "I love you, Dean."
Dean returns the hug, holding his little brother close and raising a hand to cup the back of the kid's head. "I love you so much, it's stupid, kid." Dean holds his brother and listens to Sam's soft laugh get muffled against his shoulder.
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Sam is sitting on the armchair in the living room later that evening. He caught up with the school work he missed when he was home alone during the day, checking off all the reading on his course syllabi that he needed to do to be prepared for tomorrow, and is now just fooling around on the internet, his attention divided between his laptop screen and the documentary that Dean and Cas are watching on television about scientology. Sam wonders how much of the cult-like atmosphere and narratives described by some of the former church members is resonating with Cas from his own childhood. Dean and Cas are on the couch, Dean leaning into Cas's side, with Cas's arm draped across the back of the couch resting on Dean's shoulders, both intently watching the television. Sam takes in the small frown on Dean's face and wonders if the topic of the documentary is making Dean think about Cas's childhood abuse, too. Sam is looking down at his computer when the documentary ends and the credits start to run. When he looks back up, Cas is looking his way.
"It's getting late, Samuel." Cas says, and Sam is thrown off by the use of his full name. He instantly feels like he's in the doghouse and he had just been sitting quietly playing on his computer. He wonders if he can look forward to being addressed as Samuel until Cas is completely over what he did. "Are you going to head up to bed soon?"
Sam quickly checks the clock on his laptop just in case it's later than he thinks it is. "Uh, it's barely nine o'clock."
Cas's expression remains neutral. "Yes, I'm aware of the time."
Sam shuts his laptop and looks down at the closed lid. Cas doesn't exactly seem angry, but his expressionlessness kind of hurts Sam anyway. "So, do I have a bedtime now?" He feels stupid even asking it at sixteen, but he takes care to keep any attitude out of his voice so that Cas knows it's a genuine question and not just backtalk. When he looks up, Cas is tilting his head to one side curiously as if he doesn't understand why Sam is asking the question. "I mean, this is the second night in a row that I've gotten sent to bed early, so if a bedtime is like part of my punishment or something while I'm grounded, I just want to know…." Sam looks toward Dean, who has a small frown on his face. Sam knows by now that Dean is going to let Cas answer his question. Sam thinks about how Dean deferring to Cas used to annoy him when they first moved in, but how it doesn't bother him anymore. His question was really aimed at Cas, anyway.
"It wasn't my intention to give you a bedtime, Samuel." Cas says. "But, if you think having a regular bedtime would help hold you accountable for getting enough rest, Dean and I can assist you in enforcing one. Is that something you think you need?"
"Oh, um, no. No, Cas. I don't think I need one. Thanks, though. I just wanted to make sure I know what's going on, so that I'm not breaking a rule without knowing I'm doing it." This is one of those interactions with Cas that feels almost normal after living with the man for several months, but that Sam can't imagine Gavin or Kelly or anyone else he knows overhearing without thinking Sam's family is anything but normal.
"You missed school today because you were too tired to go." Cas speaks as if explaining something to a small child. "I would like to make sure you get adequate sleep tonight so that you are well rested for school tomorrow. That's all. I'm not trying to punish you. Can you understand that?"
"Yes, Cas." Sam responds dutifully and stands up, holding his laptop at his side. Sam had taken a long nap on the couch that afternoon and feels more awake than he usually does at this time, but he doesn't want to argue with Cas. He is still grounded for what he did with Gavin at the store and if Cas wants him to go to bed, he'll go to bed. If getting sent to bed early becomes a regular thing, Sam will bring it up again, but for now he's ok with just doing what Cas wants. "I'll head up now."
Dean holds out one arm toward Sam. "Goodnight, kiddo."
Sam bends to give Dean a quick one-armed half hug, then repeats the gesture with Cas.
"Goodnight, guys." Sam says.
"Goodnight." Cas says. "Sleep well." Sam nods and heads toward the stairs, feeling down at getting sent out of the room. "Samuel?"
Sam turns back toward the couch, wondering how long it will take for him to be Cas's sweet boy again instead of Samuel. "Yes, Cas?"
"Would you mind leaving your laptop down here?" Cas asks. "I know how tempting it can be to continue working when you should be sleeping."
Sam feels a spark of annoyed resentment at Cas's obvious lack of trust in him, but he walks back toward the couch and obediently places his laptop on the coffee table. "All right, now you've got my phone and my laptop. Is there anything else you want to take away from me? I think I still have a few books and CD's in my prison cell if you want me to run up and fetch them for you."
"Hey." Dean scolds at the same time that Cas tells him in a calm voice to "Watch your tone, Samuel."
"Sorry." Sam says. And he is. He hadn't known he was going to infuse so much sarcasm into what he said. "I'm sorry. I meant it as a joke, not how it came out. I get why you're taking away my stuff. It's fine." He runs a hand through his hair and thinks about his unexpectedly short fuse. "Maybe I'm more tired than I realized."
"Go to bed, kiddo." Dean says, a small smile playing on his face. "Before you get yourself in more trouble."
Sam sighs and nods. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea." Sam turns back toward the stairs and heads up to get ready for bed. As Sam climbs the stairs he hears movement on the couch cushions and knows that Dean has shifted his weight and is probably now either sitting on Cas's lap or straddling it. He wonders if Cas sent him to bed so he could be alone with Dean. Or if the guy still feels the same as he did last night, and just doesn't want to look at Sam anymore. He feels a wave of unexpected shame and loneliness as he closes his bedroom door behind him with nothing to do but try to sleep.