Notes: Thank you so much to everyone who is still reading this story and to those of you who are been gracious enough to leave me comments on the previous chapters. It makes my day every time I get a review!
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my own obsession with Supernatural
Trigger Warnings: Grief
Castiel is feeling tense and stressed and unreasonably irritated, but he's doing his best to get his emotions under control before he needs to face his family again. He takes a deep breath, trying to center himself as he washes his hands at his kitchen sink and dries them on a dish towel. He feels like his mood has been set to a low-grade boil all day. It had started this morning, when he had approached his supervisor this morning to inform her that he needed to leave early for the appointment with the attorney she had recommended for Sam. Naomi had given him a look that she usually reserves for staff who were not as diligent workers as Castiel, for employees who routinely came in late, took long lunches, chatted in the break room and did not meet their monthly goals for chargeable hours. She had pointed out that Castiel had an important end of day deadline for a client deliverable today. Castiel had politely reminded her that he has never missed a deadline even as he had gone into an internal panic at today's deliverable having slipped his mind entirely amidst all that was going on with Sam this week. This never happens to him. Castiel is always responsible when it comes to work obligations, and the idea that he had forgotten about today's deadline left him feeling rattled. Naomi had brought up that this would be the third time this week that Castiel had needed to leave work early, once to pick his son up at the police station, the following day to bring him back to the store to apologize to the men he assaulted, and now to take him to meet with a criminal defense attorney. She had gone on to explain that while the firm supports flexible work schedules, particularly for those employees with family responsibilities, Castiel's inability to balance his work schedule with that of his new family has become a source of concern for her, because Castiel has always been such a dedicated and reliable employee and she would hate to see his work performance suffer. Castiel had felt resentment bubbling inside him even as he listened respectfully and thanked Naomi for her concern, assuring her that Sam's behavior this week had caused an anomaly in Castiel's family obligations and that, aside from Sam's court date, Castiel did not foresee any further complications arising from the situation that would require his attention during work hours. The condescension in Naomi's tone as she informed Castiel that she certainly hoped he was right had made Castiel think of something Anna had once told him about the way management treated working mothers, that they offered sufficient flexible work schedule accommodations and job sharing programs to get the firm listed as a top employer for mothers in Working Woman magazine each year, but that they shamed the mothers who actually took them up on these options. He had worked hard for this firm for nine years, unfailingly meeting his billable hour goals and only taking a sick day one time when he had his wisdom teeth out when he was twenty-four. And this was what all that loyalty had earned him.
Castiel had seethed through the rest of his time at the office, working toward his deadline but not making as much progress as he would have liked, barely restraining himself from snapping at a particularly frustrating subordinate who failed to understand a concept even after Castiel had explained it multiple times. He had packed up his briefcase at two o'clock and headed out to meet Dean and Sam at the attorney's office, where they had waited in the lobby for over half an hour before listening to the attorney explain that while the chances of Sam being sentenced to a juvenile facility as a first time offender were low there were no guarantees. Castiel had put a considerable retainer on his credit card and drove home alone, while Sam had gone with Dean in the Impala. Castiel had arrived home before Dean and Sam and is trying to use this time to collect himself before his family walks in. Castiel exhales slowly and tosses the dish towel onto the counter as he hears the Impala pull into the driveway. He picks up his briefcase and sets it down on the kitchen table. Naomi wasn't wrong that his productivity had suffered this week and he needed to do some catching up tonight. He needs to focus and keep his mind away from his family and out of the past, where he has experienced so much pain and betrayal, and force himself to stay in the present, where he has a safe home and a family who loves him. This week has felt like a relapse in the mental and emotional control that normally keeps the old memories from overwhelming him. Ever since that moment on the phone with the investigator, when Castiel had been overwhelmed by full on panic at the idea that he was about to learn Gabriel's fate, that his brother could be dead or available to reconnect with, Castiel has been flooded with memories of the night he was thrown out of his family. All the old hurt had come rushing back to him then, drowning him in that moment, and seeping in and filling the mental space in every unfocused moment since. He can still remember begging Gabriel to leave with him, can see the uncomfortable look on Gabriel's face that had revealed his answer before he opened his mouth, can feel the bone deep hurt and grief at being abandoned during his time of greatest need by the person he trusted and treasured most in his life, and the abject fear at being pushed out of his family and away from everyone and everything he had ever known all by himself. It's not something he can ever recover from, but he has gotten so much better at pushing it down and locking it away. He hadn't meant to bring up Gabriel when he had stayed home with Sam. He hadn't meant to plant this seed with a child who he knows only wanted to help him. He hadn't anticipated his past coming around to smack him in the face and knock him off his feet like this, leaving him barely capable of looking at that same child.
He hears the front door open and close as he removes his laptop from his briefcase and sets up to work at the kitchen table. He should really consider turning the empty upstairs bedroom into an office. It hadn't been an issue in the years Castiel had lived alone, but it would be convenient now, for times like this when he needs to work at home but really wants personal space. He is debating taking his laptop up to his and Dean's bedroom and working in the chair there when Dean walks into the kitchen, Sam trailing a few feet behind him looking miserable and contrite. He briefly wonders what the conversation had been like during their ride home. Sam stops next to Dean and Castiel watches his boyfriend give the boy a pointed look.
Sam looks appropriately chagrined. "I just wanted to say thank you, Cas. For getting me a lawyer for my hearing and everything. I know it was expensive, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything."
Castiel feels his chest clench. He makes himself nod. "I know you are, Samuel." Castiel sees Dean watching him expectantly from the corner of his eye and he wants to offer the boy more comfort. "I have faith that everything is going to be ok. And don't concern yourself with the expense. If the attorney can get you out of this situation safely, I will consider it money well spent."
Sam nods slowly. "Thanks, Cas."
"You are welcome." Cas nods and tries to force a small smile onto his face. He isn't sure if he succeeds when no one smiles back at him. "Now, if you will both excuse me, I need to finish up a spreadsheet for work that I need to get to a client by six o'clock." He turns his attention back to his laptop and opens the excel schedule he needs to work on.
Castiel hears Dean open the fridge and pull out a beer, unscrewing the cap and dropping it into the trash can, before leaning against the counter and taking a sip. It's not even four o'clock yet and it concerns Castiel that alcohol is Dean's go to for stress relief. Castiel keeps his attention on his work as Sam approaches the table and sets his backpack down across from Castiel, pulling out his own laptop and a textbook and starting to set up his workspace.
Castiel is speaking before he has really thought it through. "Samuel, can you please go up to your room and do your homework there this evening?"
Sam is still standing as he gets himself organized, and he looks down at Castiel with surprise and hurt in his eyes. "Oh, uh….." Castiel watches Sam struggle to find words. "The last time I was grounded, you wanted me to do my homework down here. So I wouldn't feel isolated….." Sam trails off slowly, looking unsure.
"You're right, Samuel." Castiel says. "I did want that the last time you were grounded, but this evening I would prefer if you worked in your room. Would you mind doing that?"
Castiel sees light reflecting off the tears that have sprung to Sam's eyes as the boy nods his head, moving quickly to shove his books and laptop back into his backpack. "Oh, um, sure. Sorry." Castiel feels like an asshole as he watches Sam sling the packed bag over one shoulder and hurriedly head into the living room. Castiel almost calls the boy back, but something stops him, and he can hear the boy's feet running quickly up the stairs a moment later.
"You were kind of hard on him, don't you think?" Dean's voice breaks into Castiel's thoughts.
Castiel feels deflated as he turns to look at Dean. "Maybe I was. I feel like I need space this evening, but I probably should have explained that better to Sam."
"Or, you know, at all." Dean says, giving him a hard look. "He just wants to be around you. He wants to know that you don't hate him for what he did."
"Of course, I don't hate him." Castiel can feel the subtle edge of anger in his voice and does his best to tamp down the emotion. "I'm feeling stressed, and I'm just…..in a…...less than charitable mood right now."
Dean frowns. "Is everything ok, Cas? I mean, aside from everything with Sam."
Castiel is starting to feel a tension headache coming on and he wraps a hand around his forehead, rubbing at his temples with his thumb and index finger. "Dean, I have work that I need to finish by six. I have been very distracted from my job this week, as it is, and I am very behind on what I need to deliver to a client this evening. I was…...spoken to by Naomi today for leaving work early three times this week. I really don't have time for a long discussion right now. I'm sorry that I was curt with Sam. I will apologize to him at dinner if you would like-"
"If I would like?" Dean cuts him off and Castiel feels a surge of annoyance at being interrupted. "Do you think you should apologize or are you only going to do it if I ask you-"
"Dean!" Castiel snaps, and he watches Dean's eyes open wide at his raised voice. He takes a breath and gets control over himself before he continues. "I'm sorry for snapping at you, sweetheart. I really need to work right now. Can we please discuss this after I meet my delivery deadline at six?"
Dean nods wordlessly, looking so much like a chastened child that it hurts Castiel. "Yeah, sure, Cas. Sorry." Castiel watches with a heavy heart as Dean takes his beer into the living room and then climbs the stairs. He briefly wonders if Dean is going to check on Sam and if he should join them, too. Instead, he makes himself refocus on the spreadsheet in front of him.
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"Come in." Sam responds to the knock on his bedroom door and swivels around in his desk chair, abandoning his homework to face whoever's about to enter. When the door opens and Dean sticks his head in, Sam is both relieved that it's his brother and disappointed that it's not Cas. He hates feeling like Cas doesn't want him around, that the guy maybe doesn't even like him any more, and part of him had been hoping Cas had come up to apologize for sending him to his room and ask him to come down and study in the kitchen.
Dean gives him a warm smile. "Hey, kiddo. You mind if I hang out in here with you?"
Sam shrugs. He gives Dean a small smile. "Did Cas send you to my room, too?"
Dean huffs out a soft laugh as he walks over to Sam's bed. "Not quite. But, he did ask me to give him some space until he meets his work deadline."
Dean has a beer bottle in one hand and a magazine in the other. He tucks the magazine under one arm while he props Sam's pillows against the headboard and settles back against them, kicking his shoes off before getting comfortable on the bed. The familiarity of the action tugs at something in Sam, the part of him that still misses when it was just him and Dean, brothers who shared a bedroom or motel room more often than not and were comfortable in each other's space for most of their childhoods. It's the exact opposite of how Dean enters the room when he's with Cas, waiting on Sam's consent to sit on his bed. It's not that Sam doesn't appreciate how considerate Cas always is about respecting his space. He does. He especially did at the beginning when Cas was still basically a stranger. Cas's approach had been new to Sam, but he could admit it had made him feel safe to know that this man he barely knew was going to respect his boundaries and privacy and not just barge in on him. But, this is nice, too. Sam watches his brother stretch out on his bed and feels less lonely than he has since getting arrested at the beginning of the week.
"Cas is just super stressed today, Sammy. Don't take it personally that he sent you up here." Dean says. "He kind of got a…...talking to, I guess, at work today from his boss, so he really wants to make sure he gets whatever he's working on done right and sent out on time. Cas really doesn't like it when he…" Dean looks thoughtful, as if he is choosing his words carefully. "Lets down people who are counting on him. He doesn't take it well when someone he wants to please thinks he's slacking off, which he never is, but this has been a tough week for him, and I guess some things at work just kind of fell through the cracks and he needs to make up for that now and it's got him pretty tense."
Sam feels his own tension, that has been swirling around in his stomach since they entered the attorney's office, harden into something solid and heavy and guilty in his gut. "It's because he left work early so many times this week, isn't it? For all my stuff."
Dean nods slowly. "I don't know if it was just that, but I'm guessing that didn't help anything." Sam thought about how he had called Cas instead of Dean from the police station, partly because he hadn't wanted to bother Dean during his first day of his new job and partly because he had trusted Cas to handle things better with the police. It hits him that that might not have been fair to Cas.
"It sucks that he got in trouble because of me." Sam's voice is quiet, his gaze drops to the floor in front of him. "No wonder he didn't want me downstairs with him." Sam hears Cas's voice from two nights ago in his head when the man had gotten off the phone with the investigator, I don't even want to look at you. That sentence had hurt more than Cas threatening him with a spanking and it seemed like the sentiment still held true for Cas now. He didn't want to look at Sam or even be in the same room as him.
"Hey, Sammy." Dean's voice is firm and Sam looks toward him. "Listen to me. Cas had a choice every time. And every time he chose you over work. Because, yeah, his career is important to him, how he conducts himself at his job is important to him. But, you're more important to him. I promise you that. And, yeah, he's pretty wigged out right now and we need to leave him alone for the next couple of hours while he takes care of what he needs to get done, but he still took you to meet with that lawyer this afternoon because making sure you're ok means more to him than possibly missing a deadline at work. Ok?" Sam nods slowly, more because he knows it's what Dean wants than because he actually believes his brother. "And, don't worry about Cas's work stuff. I don't think he's in any danger of losing his job or anything like that. He's worked there since he graduated college, and I think he's got a pretty solid track record at that place. I think he just kind of got spoken to about it. And, he's not used to that. He's really sensitive to that kind of thing. But, he'll be fine, ok?"
Sam feels the pit of tension growing in his stomach at the idea of Cas being on the receiving end of a talking to at work. He understands how important respect and appropriate behavior are to Cas and he knows it must have been embarrassing for Cas to basically get scolded by his boss. Sam wonders if offices are run like schools and if it happened in front of any of Cas's colleagues and how much worse that would have made things since Cas is such a private person. As hard as Cas can be on Sam, Sam understands that the guy is even harder on himself when he feels like he's done something wrong. He hates that he added to Cas's stress like this.
"Ok, Dean." Sam swivels back around to face his desk, where his laptop screen has gone dark. He needs to finish some math homework for tomorrow, but he doesn't feel capable of the kind of concentration that would require right now. He spots his paperback copy of Slaughterhouse-Five on his desk and grabs that instead. He has about seventy-five pages to get through before he can start on a paper that's due at the end of next week. He walks over to the bed and Dean looks up curiously as he approaches. Sam doesn't say anything, just climbs onto the bed from the foot, situating himself in the narrow gap between Dean and the wall. Dean leans forward and pulls one of the two pillows he was leaning on out from behind his back and hands it to Sam. Sam props the pillow against the headboard and settles back against it. He's as tall as Dean is now, so he has to slouch down a little, and scoot his butt further out to be able to rest his head on his brother's shoulder. He nestles in until he's comfortable, listening to Dean laugh softly at him.
"You good over there, Sammy?" Dean asks, amusement clear in his voice.
Sam raises his head and knocks it gently against Dean's shoulder. "Yep." Sam opens his book, but gets immediately distracted. "Hey Dean, do you remember that place we stayed in in West Texas when I was like ten and we had to share a twin bed for like a month?"
Sam feels his brother's shoulder move under his head as Dean huffs out a soft laugh. "Yeah, I remember. It was like sharing a bed with a scrawny little octopus." Sam giggles. "Every day I woke up with your little arms and legs wrapped around me all crazy. I had to grab you by the scruff of your neck and shake you off just to get out of bed in the morning." Dean pauses. "And, it was like a million degrees in that place, with no AC. I remember that."
Sam smiles as an old familiar memory pops into his head, one that they've kept alive by dusting off every now and then over the years. "Remember the day we left that place? You wouldn't get out of bed and dad wanted to leave so he let me attack you with a squirt gun?"
Dean scoffs. "Uh, if I remember correctly, it wasn't a squirt gun. It was that giant super soaker thing you had. You drenched me!"
Sam smiles. "Yeah, I did."
"I don't know why dad even let you have that thing. It was like a child friendly rocket launcher."
Sam laughs. "You woke up so pissed! You wanted to kill me, but dad stopped you. Then he turned on us." Sam can still remember that morning so clearly, Dean soaking wet and screaming bloody murder until he realized their dad had been the instigator. And, dad grinning at them, as he playfully told Dean to stop playing around with Sammy's toys and get dressed. Then Dean heading straight at the man with a shit-eating grin on his face as he tried to throw his arms around the man while still in his drenched pajamas, c'mon dad, don't you want to hug your favorite son, their dad grabbing the super soaker from Sam to hold off Dean, telling them to stop messing around and get ready to hit the road, then firing on them unexpectedly as he playfully taunted them while they got ready. Sam lowers his voice to an exaggeratedly deep rumble to impersonate their dad. "C'mon, Dean, are you telling me that you can't brush your teeth while taking enemy fire to the back of the head? You'll never last a day in the real world like that, boy."
Dean does the same and Sam realizes Dean doesn't have to change his voice nearly as much to sound like their dad. "Sammy, eat your breakfast, son." Their dad had crouched just outside the kitchen door, covering the breakfast table with fire from the water gun whenever Sam reached for the cereal, making the boy squeal with laughter and back up each time. "Why so skittish, Sammy? I thought you liked Lucky Charms."
Sam laughs. He hadn't thought about those phrases in ages, but he remembers a time when they had been a running joke and familiar shorthand with Dean and their dad in the months following that day. If Dean was having trouble doing something, Sam or their dad would throw in a c'mon Dean, are you telling me that you can't tighten a lug nut / find a fuse box / change the oil while taking enemy fire to the back of the head? And if Sam flinched, or dropped something, Dean or their dad would ask why so skittish, Sammy? I thought you liked Lucky Charms? The jokes had lingered on between Sam and Dean long after their dad had stopped joining in. Sam wonders if their dad still even had memory of that day by the time he died.
"That was a really fun day, wasn't it?" Sam asks.
"Yeah." Dean says. "It was a good one."
"I miss dad, Dean." Sam doesn't know if it's the memory, or that coupled with the stress of what he's done this week and the feeling that Cas doesn't want him around, but Sam feels his eyes getting warm. He blinks back the wetness that he can feel gathering in his eyes, grateful that they're sitting side by side and that his head is down on Dean's shoulder so his brother can't see his face.
"I know." Sam hears the hoarse quality in Dean's voice. "I miss him, too, everyday."
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At five minutes past six, Sam is sitting back against his own pillow, his head up focusing on the novel he's holding in one hand, when there's a knock on the bedroom door. He turns toward Dean in surprise at the sound.
Dean smiles at him. "Um, unless it's a really aggressive door-to-door salesman, I'm pretty sure it's just Cas."
Sam can feel himself grinning sheepishly. "Come in, Cas."
The door opens slowly and Cas steps into the room, stopping short at the sight of Dean and Sam on the bed. "Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt."
"You're not, Cas. C'mon in." Dean sounds casual but kind. Cas looks almost nervous and it hurts Sam's heart to see it. It hits Sam hard then that Cas doesn't have anyone in his life the way Sam has Dean, someone who's always there for him, always on his side, loving him no matter what. Cas has Dean, too, of course, but Sam knows it's not the same, that it might not feel quite as unconditional, since romantic partners can break up and brothers don't. Sam thinks about how lonely and out of place he sometimes feels knowing that Cas and Dean share an intimacy he isn't part of, but this is the first time he's found himself wondering if Cas ever feels the same about Sam's own relationship with Dean.
"Did you get your work project finished on time?" Sam asks.
"I did." Cas nods. "Thank you for asking, Sam." Sam watches Cas glance around the room, and it looks more like discomfort than curiosity. "I wanted to see if you'd like me to order a pizza for dinner. I was thinking we could eat in the living room and perhaps watch a movie. I thought that might be something you would both enjoy this evening."
"That sounds good to me, Cas." Dean turns to Sam. "What do you think, kiddo?"
Sam feels himself nodding more enthusiastically than he normally would over an offer of pizza and a movie. "Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks, Cas. Can we get pepperoni? Ooh, and cheesy breadsticks?"
"Certainly." Cas says. "We can get whatever you'd like. Do you have any preference, Dean?"
"I'm good with whatever you and Sammy want tonight." Dean says. "But, I think we need a few more minutes to finish up what we're doing here. Sammy's only got a few more pages to go to knock out his book."
"Of course." Cas says. "I will let you two have your time together. I'll just go-"
"You could do that." Dean cuts in gently and Sam can hear the playfulness in his brother's voice. "But, I was thinking maybe you could climb in here for a family cuddle while we finish reading."
Sam watches the genuinely happy smile spread across Cas's face. The man takes a couple of hesitant steps into the room. "Is it ok with you as well if I join you, Sam?"
"Yeah, of course it's ok." Sam starts to shift over, closer to the wall, and Dean follows suit, moving toward the middle of the bed. Cas walks over to the bed and sits down on the space Dean has cleared, his feet on the floor, his posture rigid.
"Um, I don't want to judge, but this isn't what I had in mind as a family cuddle." Dean says. "This is more of a two person cuddle and one guy sitting on a bench by himself waiting for a bus."
Sam can't see Cas's face, but he hears the man huff out a soft laugh. When Cas turns toward Dean, he's wearing the big grin that he gets when he's really happy and entertained, the one that shows his gums. "C'mon, Cas, get comfortable." Sam says, wiggling over even further to make room. "You can put your feet on my bed if that's what you're worried about."
Cas bends to remove his shoes, then eases himself back against the headboard and lifts his legs onto the bed. Sam takes in the pleased smile on the guy's face as he wiggles around getting comfortable.
"Hmmm." Cas says. "I don't think I've ever laid on this bed before."
"You've been missing out. It's a good bed." Sam tells him.
"I'm glad you like it." Cas says.
"I do. I like it a lot." Sam says. "I was just thinking today about how this is the best bed and the best room I've ever had."
"Is that so?" Cas asks.
"Yeah, definitely." Sam says. "I never really had my own room before, and I really appreciate it. I want you to know that."
"I'm glad it's meeting your needs." Cas says before his expression turns serious. "Sam, I would like to apologize for how I was with you downstairs earlier." Sam leans forward so that he can see Cas around Dean and give him the respect of eye contact as he listens. "To both of you really." Cas's eyes glance briefly toward Dean, to include him in the conversation, before refocusing on Sam. "I'm sorry for being curt with you and for sending you to your room when you weren't doing anything wrong. I was feeling very stressed and out of sorts due to a situation at work, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you like that. I failed to treat you with the care and respect that you deserve and I'm sorry for that."
"It's ok, Cas." Sam says. "I totally forgive you. Dean told me that you had a bad day at work today, and I know it was because you had to keep leaving work for me, because of all my crap this week, and I'm really sorry that you got in trouble because of me."
"Thank you, Samuel." Cas says. "I appreciate the sentiment, but an apology is completely unnecessary. What happened at my job today was not your fault. I am the only one responsible for my performance at work and for handling my stress in a way that doesn't negatively impact the people I love."
"I guess, but I didn't make things any easier on you this week." Sam says.
"No, you didn't." Cas admits. "But, I'm not sure that making things easier on me is your job either."
"I am sorry for everything. I want you to know that." Sam says. "And I'm really grateful for everything you've done for me this week. You've really been there for me every time I messed up, and, I don't know, I guess I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me."
"Thank you, Sam." Cas says.
Sam gives him a grateful smile and returns his attention to his book. Sam hears Cas bark out a surprised noise as the bed shifts, and he knows that Dean has pulled Cas closer to his side. Sam shifts closer to Dean, too, keeping his head up, but resting his arm against Dean's.
"What?" Dean says, but Sam can tell from his brother's playfully flirty tone that he's talking to Cas. "Just what are you smirking at, Smirky McSmirkerson?"
"I'm not smirking, sweetheart." Cas says. "This is a smile. Your choice of reading material makes me very happy."
That piques Sam's interest and he shoots a surreptitious glance at the magazine in Dean's hand. The magazine that is actually not a magazine at all, but a community college brochure and course catalog.
"Dean, you're going to go to college?" Sam doesn't even try to keep the eager excitement out of his voice.
"Not sure yet." Dean says, all casual nonchalance. "Just checking it out, keeping my options open. Can't let you two be the only nerds in the family."
"I think you'd make a wonderful nerd, sweetheart." Cas says.
"You definitely would! This is really cool, Dean!" Sam says. "We can study together once you start classes. It'll be so much fun!"
"We'll see." Dean's voice is playful. "Right now, I'm just checking things out, seeing what they got."
Sam feels his cheeks ache as his grin takes over his face, but he turns his attention back to his novel, not wanting to push the issue and scare Dean off. He feels pleasantly full of hope for the future and love and gratitude for his family.
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The following night finds Dean, Castiel and Sam sitting down to dinner in the kitchen. "Are you looking forward to starting your volunteer work tomorrow, Sam?" Cas asks the question casually, looking down as he drizzles soy sauce onto his rice and veggie bowl at dinner on Friday.
Sam pauses in mid-reach for the bowl of edamame in the center of the table and gives Cas a deer in the headlights look.
"Your orientation at the animal shelter is tomorrow morning, isn't it?" Cas looks up at him curiously, then frowns. "Did I get the date wrong? I thought you told me last week that it was this Saturday."
"Oh, yeah." Dean smiles and raises an eyebrow. "Sammy's volunteer date with Kelly. You excited, kiddo? You gonna finally lock this girl down by showing off your skills with a pooper-scooper?"
Sam picks up the bowl of edamame and uses the serving spoon to transfer several pods onto his plate next to his rice bowl. "So…...I'm still going tomorrow?"
Cas frowns at him again. "Samuel, you made a commitment to a non-profit organization that does a great deal of good for this community, and I would really like to see you keep your commitment."
"Oh, uh, yes, Cas." Sam says. "I definitely want to keep it. I wasn't sure if I was still allowed to go since I'm grounded and everything….."
Cas glances quickly toward Dean. Sam follows his gaze, but is too slow to catch the look Dean gives Cas. "I believe you should keep your commitments to other people despite your punishment. Just as you were allowed to continue going to basketball practice the last time you were grounded." Cas smiles a small pleased smile. "I don't see why this exception shouldn't apply to the commitments you've made to animals as well."
Sam grins at Cas, but then turns toward Dean to include him, too. "Thanks, guys. I'm really looking forward to going."
Dean raises an eyebrow. "I'm sure you are, Sammy. You've been stuck in this house with us for a week. I'll bet you're looking forward to some time with your little girlfriend."
Sam rolls his eyes dramatically. "She's not my little girlfriend, Dean." She isn't, not yet. They've gone to one movie together three weeks ago, spent a couple of hours after school getting coffee and wandering around a bookstore the following week, and then Sam was grounded with no phone this week so their contact has been limited to quick conversations between classes. Sam is pretty sure their two outings were dates, even though nothing more than hand holding had happened. Sam had been too nervous to move in for a kiss the night of the movie, even though it had been the perfect setting, either in the theater itself or in Kelly's car when she dropped him off. Then, it had felt too weird to kiss her after the bookstore, when he had walked her home in broad daylight. "We've only hung out a couple of times."
"Well." Dean says. "Maybe hanging out at the animal shelter bonding over the cute little puppies will help you out there, Sammy. I'm pretty sure there's not much that girls like more than cute, cuddly little animals."
Sam shrugs, trying to act casual and downplay the way he feels about Kelly so as to not give Dean any fodder for mocking him. "Whatever. If we get together, we get together. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on it."
Cas nods. "That sounds like a very mature way to approach things, Sam."
Sam shrugs. "Oh, uh, Kelly offered to give me a ride to orientation, but I told her yesterday at school that I didn't think I could go because I was grounded." Sam wonders if he's pushing his luck. "Do you think I could maybe use my phone to text her real quick tonight, to let her know that I can go and see if she can still pick me up?"
Cas looks thoughtful as he finishes chewing and mulling over Sam's question. "I'll actually be doing some work at the shelter tomorrow as well. I need to meet with the director in regard to updating their quarterly financials. I don't have a set time I need to be there, so I could drive you in and bring you home at whatever time works for you. What I need to do should only take a few hours."
"Oh, uh, thanks, Cas." Sam says, feeling himself deflate slightly. "I mean, yeah, that would work, too. The orientation is from nine to noon. Is that ok for you?"
"I could certainly accommodate your schedule." Cas tilts his head to one side, considering, then turns toward Dean. "But, what do you think, sweetheart? Should we allow Sam to use his phone to contact his little friend to coordinate a ride for tomorrow?"
Sam turns toward Dean and sees the surprised look on his brother's face, the forkful of rice and vegetables paused in front of his open mouth. "Um…" Sam watches Dean quickly search Cas's face for clues. "Sure." Dean turns back toward Sam, his expression serious. "I'm fine with you using your phone for a few minutes."
Sam grins. "Cool, thank you, guys."
"I'll get it for you as soon as we're done with dinner, Sam." Cas says.
It was a rough week, but Sam is starting to feel like things are on an upswing.
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Kelly has been uncharacteristically quiet during the car ride to the animal shelter, and Sam isn't sure what to make of it. She hasn't exactly been unfriendly, just less friendly than her usual out-going self, and Sam's having a difficult time deciding if he's making something out of nothing. Maybe she's just tired.
"Sam." Kelly starts when they're only a few minutes from the shelter. "There's something I need to ask you about."
"Ok, sure." Sam feels a wave of apprehension. "What is it?"
"I was at Brianna Evan's house last night with a few other girls. You know that Brianna is friends with Gavin, right?"
"Um, yeah." Sam says, getting a bad feeling about where this is headed. "I think I've heard Gavin mention her."
"She told me what you and Gavin did at that home improvement store, Sam. She told me you got arrested." She glances toward him briefly, a disappointed frown on her face, before returning her focus to the road. "Did you guys really stick buckets on workers' heads and film it for Gavin's Instagram?"
"Uh….." Sam knows it's pointless to lie. And, he doesn't want to lie, but he knows how this sounds. "Yeah, we did."
"That's awful, Sam." Kelly tells him. "You get that, right? That it was mean and really messed up to try to embarrass strangers at work like that?"
"Yeah." Sam studies Kelly's profile, takes in the angry slant to her mouth, and is grateful she can't focus on him directly while she drives. "I know. You're right. We went back and apologized the next day, to the guys we….harassed at the store."
"Yeah, ok, I guess saying you're sorry is nice, but why did you do it to begin with?" Kelly asks. "I know we don't know each other all that well, but it just doesn't feel like something I thought you would do. Gavin, sure. I've known him since first grade and he never thinks anything through before he does it, especially how it's going to impact anyone else, but I thought you were more considerate than that."
"I am. I mean, I usually am. It's not something I would do, or at least not something I would normally do." Sam tries to defend himself. "I owed Gavin a favor. He loaned me money for the thing I told you about with Cas and he wanted me to help him with the video to pay him back. I knew it was stupid, but I guess I felt like I had to do it since he helped me when I needed it."
Kelly turns into the parking lot of the animal shelter and pulls her car into the first open spot, putting the car in park and shutting it off. She turns toward him, and Sam instantly feels like squirming under the intensity of her stare, now fully focused on him. "Sam, that all just sounds really lame. You get that, too, don't you? You owed Gavin a favor, Gavin who I should point out, can be a real idiot a lot of the time, so you let him convince you that the only way to pay him back was to put buckets over strangers' heads, to what, humiliate them online on Gavin's Instagram account? That's just so…...mean."
"Yeah." Sam says. "I do know it's lame and stupid. I shouldn't have gone along with it. I knew better and I felt bad the whole time I was filming it."
"That's even worse, Sam." Kelly looks even more disappointed. "That you knew it was wrong and mean and you still just did it, just went along with whatever Gavin wanted. That's not the kind of person I thought you were. And then you lied to me about why you were grounded."
Sam feels his face warm with shame. "What I told you really did happen, that I upset Cas by going behind his back the way I did." Sam had found it easy to talk to Kelly and to open up to her about hiring the investigator to search for Cas's brother, and the memory of that shared intimacy makes him sad now because he knows he lost it when it was just getting started. "And I know I would have been grounded for that if I wasn't already grounded for getting arrested with Gavin." Sam takes a breath. "I…..just couldn't tell you about that. It was too embarrassing."
"Lying sucks, Sam." Kelly doesn't look unkind, even as she says it, and Sam has the odd thought that Kelly is like Cas in that way, and possibly someone else that he could have loved. "When you told me what you were doing for Cas, I thought you were this really sensitive, thoughtful guy for caring so much about him and wanting to help him to find his brother."
"I do care about him." Sam says, his voice quiet. "And I did want to help him find his brother."
"I was thinking about this last night when I was driving home from Brianna's last night, and how weird it is that the first time I saw you outside of school, when I went to your place to work on the community leadership project, I was worried that your brother's boyfriend might be hurting you or bullying you in some way. But, then I heard about what you did at the store and it turns out you're actually the one who's a bully. And I'm sorry, but I don't really hang out with bullies."
No one's ever called him a bully before and Sam feels a wave of humiliation, at getting called out so directly by a girl he really likes over one of the stupidest things he's ever done. He knows he deserves her disdain and he isn't sure how to defend himself. His gaze drops to Kelly's mouth, feeling too embarrassed to maintain eye contact.
"Look, Sam." Kelly's tone is gentler and Sam looks back up. "I'll still give you a ride home after orientation is over, since I said I would yesterday before I talked to Brianna, but I'm thinking maybe we should try to get assigned to different days to volunteer on once the training is over. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a jerk here, I just don't really see this going anywhere anymore, with us. And that sucks because I was really starting to like you."
Sam feels himself nodding. "I'm sorry, too." Sam decides he might as well go for honesty. "I already really like you."
Kelly gives him a small smile before turning away to open her car door. "We should head in." Sam sighs in disappointment and lets himself out through the passenger door, knowing he has an awkward and lonely three hours to endure before he can get himself out of this situation without looking like even more of an asshole to Kelly than he already does.
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Castiel has just finished meeting with the managing director of the animal shelter and is leaving her office to head back to the table in the small conference room that he uses as a temporary work space, when he runs into Sam in the hallway. Sam looks more subdued than Castiel had expected for a boy who had just spent the last three hours in the company of animals and the young lady he's clearly interested in.
Castiel smiles warmly at the boy. "Hello, Sam. Is your orientation over?"
"Yeah, it just finished. I was actually looking for you." Sam tells him. "Can I, uh, maybe get a ride home with you? Whenever you're done, I mean."
"I can certainly give you a ride home." Castiel says. "Did something happen with Kelly? I thought you were getting a ride with her."
Castiel had seen Sam earlier in the morning when the operating manager had led the group of volunteers into the conference room on a tour of the facility. Jayla had introduced him to the group as one of our favorite volunteers, Castiel Novak, who helps us with our number crunching, and Castiel had said hello and waved awkwardly to the group, noting that Sam and Kelly were not standing near each other. Sam had given Castiel a small smile and waved back, but Castiel had been surprised to see the trace of sadness in the boy's eyes.
"Uh, yeah." Sam takes a quick look around them. "Can I maybe tell you about it when we're in the car?"
"Of course." Castiel's mind flashes back to the night when Sam had been distraught believing he hadn't made the basketball team, his refusal to take Castiel into his confidence then, and the argument that had ensued. It hits Castiel how much progress they have made since then. "Let me grab my things, Sam. I'll just be a moment."
"I don't want to rush you, Cas." Sam says. "I can go wait in the car or something until you're done. I don't want to make you leave your volunteer thing early, too…"
Castiel feels his heart warming at Sam's consideration for his responsibilities and well-being. "I appreciate that, Sam, but it's quite all right if I leave now. I have already met with the director and retrieved the files I need. I can finish up what I need to do at home. I assure you that there will be no negative consequences if we head home now." Castiel pulls his keys out of his pocket and hands them to Sam. "You may wait in the car if you would like. I'm parked in the back in the employee section. I will collect my things and be out in a moment."
"Thanks, Cas." Sam touches Castiel lightly on the arm as he walks past him.
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Castiel bends to peer into the driver's side window of his car at Sam, who's sitting in the passenger seat, his head back against the headrest, staring up at the ceiling of the car. Castiel knocks gently on the window and watches Sam startle at the sound, running the back of one hand quickly across his eyes as he hits the button to unlock the door.
"Sorry." Sam says as Cas lets himself in. "I didn't see you there."
"That's quite all right, Sam." Castiel says as he lets himself into the car and settles behind the steering wheel, his attention on the boy next to him. "Are you ok?"
The boy shakes his head. "Kelly doesn't want to see me anymore. Because I'm an asshole."
"You are not an asshole, Samuel, and I don't appreciate you using that kind of language to describe yourself or anyone else. Am I being clear?" Castiel uses what he believes is his best lovingly stern voice. The one that always gets a yes, Cas from Sam, and sometimes even from Dean.
"Yes, Cas." Sam's response is automatic. "Sorry."
"Did something happen today?" Cas asks, studying the boy for signs of what he might be feeling.
Sam nods. "Kelly heard about what Gavin and I did, at the store and getting arrested and everything." Sam's voice is quiet. "She called me a bully and said she didn't really see stuff going anywhere with us now, because she doesn't hang out with bullies. She said she'd still drive me home, but that we should choose different days to volunteer. But, it was really uncomfortable being around her during the training, knowing that she didn't want to be around me, and since you were here, too, I just figured I should ride home with you." The boy looks away from Castiel and shrugs.
"I'm sorry that happened, Sam." Castiel says. "I'm sorry you're hurting."
"That's it?" Sam sniffs and looks toward Castiel. "No lecture on how this is what I deserve for doing what I did?"
"I don't wish to lecture you." Castiel says. "I don't believe there's anything further I could say to benefit you about the incident at the store. I'd much rather offer you comfort than scolding right now."
Sam gives him a small, grateful smile. "Thanks, Cas." Sam looks away again, focusing on the fence in front of the parked car. "I know you haven't really wanted to be around me that much the last few days either, and I get it after what I did to you. I don't mean to dump my stupid little problems on you like this. I know you're dealing with bigger stuff and I know most of that's my fault."
"Samuel, please know that I don't see your problems as stupid, or little." Castiel says. "Having someone you care for fail to return your feelings is always painful, no matter how long you've known the person or what kind of feelings you have. I understand that, and I would never minimize the hurt you're feeling right now."
Sam sniffs again. "You're a really good person, Cas."
"That's a sweet compliment, Sam. You're a very good person, too." Cas says. "But, I think we can both do a lot better than we have this week. Don't you agree?"
Sam huffs out a soft breath. "Yeah, I think we can definitely do that."
"May I hug you before I drive us home?" Castiel asks.
"Yeah, of course." Sam leans toward him and Castiel moves to close the gap between them, pulling Sam against his chest and holding him tightly, feeling the comforting weight of the boy in his arms. "You know, you don't always need to ask first. I'm pretty much always up for a hug."
"That's nice to know. Thank you, sweet boy." Castiel waits for Sam to be the one to pull back first and when he does the boy looks not exactly happy, but certainly less upset than when Castiel had first joined him in the car, and Castiel feels a swell of pride at having made a bad situation feel even slightly less distressing for Sam. Castiel starts the car and pulls out of the parking spot. "So, other than what happened with Kelly, how did you enjoy your volunteer training?"
"It was good." Sam says. "I think I'll like volunteering there."
"I'm glad to hear it, Sam." Castiel says. "The shelter staff have been very welcoming to me over the years. I think you'll enjoy your time there."
They drive in silence for a few minutes. "Hey, Cas?"
"Yes, Sam."
"Have you ever thought about bringing home a dog or a cat from there?"
