Notes: Thank you to all the folks who have been sweet enough to leave me comments on this story. I appreciate each and every one. Hearing from you guys always makes my day! :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Supernatural.
Trigger Warnings: Mention of past child abuse.
Sam follows Cas into the house and watches the man set his briefcase down next to the coat rack, feeling awkward about not knowing what he's expected to do next. He doesn't want to start making himself comfortable and have Cas think he's not taking his punishment seriously if the guy expects him to go up to his room, but he doesn't want to just head up there in case Cas is ok with him hanging around downstairs and keeping him company.
"So, uh, thanks for letting me go to the volunteer orientation…..and for the ride home and everything."
Cas gives him a warm smile. "Of course, Sam. You're very welcome. It is my pleasure to support you in your volunteer work. I'm very proud of you for the interest you're showing in serving your community."
Sam knows his interest in the animal shelter had more to do with getting to spend time with Kelly than with wanting to serve the community, but he appreciates Cas giving him the benefit of the doubt. And, after today's orientation, Sam can see himself volunteering to make Cas proud of him, even if it no longer seems that it will get him any closer to Kelly. It could even be fun helping out with the animals. And, Cas hadn't totally shot him down in the car when he'd brought up the possibility of adopting a dog or cat, so maybe Sam would even get a pet out of it. Plus, the attorney Cas and Dean had taken him to had been pretty convinced that Sam was going to get court ordered community service at his hearing, so he might as well start volunteering now so he would have a place to complete those hours.
"Thanks, Cas." Sam feels a twinge of embarrassment even before he asks his next question. "So, uh, am I supposed to go back up to my room now, or…...?"
Sam trails off, hoping he doesn't have to. He's still feeling pretty down from his conversation with Kelly and he really wants to be around someone who loves him and sees him as a good person instead of a jerk or a bully. He's hoping Cas is ok with Sam sharing his space this afternoon, at least for a while. He knows he's been kind of clingy lately, wanting to be around Cas and Dean as much as he can, to convince himself that they still love him and want him around after everything that happened this week. Dean had picked up a Saturday shift as a favor to Ellen, even though he had technically stopped working at the restaurant the previous week. Sam had overheard the tail end of the conversation between Cas and Dean when they were washing dinner dishes the previous night, Cas expressing concern that Dean was going to be gone most of the day while Sam would be home grounded. They had stopped discussing it when Sam had walked in, but he hadn't known how to interpret what he'd heard, whether Cas had wanted Dean to be home this weekend so that they could all spend time together, or whether Cas was annoyed about getting stuck in the house alone with Sam all day.
"Not unless you want to." Cas looks at him with open curiosity. "Is that what you would like to do today, spend it in your room?"
"Not really." Sam shrugs and looks past Cas and out the living room's front window. "I kind of…..don't want to be alone, I guess. I was hoping maybe me and you could hang out." Sam looks back toward Cas. "If you want to, I mean. But if you're busy and need to work or finish your stuff for the shelter, I get it. I can just start on my homework for Monday…."
Cas gives him a thoughtful look, then a fond smile. "It's a beautiful day out. You know what I think might be fun?"
Something in Sam's heart instantly perks up at the idea that Cas wants to hang out with him and isn't going to banish him to his room for the day. "What?"
"Hiking Briars Point. Have you ever done that?"
Sam shakes his head, feeling excited about where this is headed. It's one thing for Cas to tolerate his existence around the house, even let him work in the same room as him in companionable silence, but another entirely to invite him to go out and do something with him, just the two of them. "No, I've heard of Briars Point, but I've never been."
"There is a lovely view from the top, where it overlooks the lake and the conservation area. It's not an overly strenuous hike, but it's enough to let you feel that you've done something physical and used up some energy. When I first became friends with Anna, after we started at the firm together right out of college, she and I would sometimes hike up to Briars Point on the weekends. I haven't done that hike in years, but I remember that it always lifted my spirits and made me feel very peaceful. I have been thinking about those hikes with Anna lately, and I would very much like to take you there this afternoon if that's something you would be interested in. Maybe after we eat some lunch?"
Sam nods. "Yeah, definitely!" He pauses, then speaks tentatively. "And, it's ok, I mean, even though I'm still grounded?"
Cas gives this serious consideration, as he does with all Sam's questions. "I think going out with me or Dean is ok while you're grounded. I think going out with our permission is ok in general while you're grounded." Cas tilts his head to one side and studies Sam carefully. "Are you concerned that Dean will view this as you not respecting your punishment, or as me undermining him in some way?"
"No, I really don't think Dean will mind." Sam says. "I just, I don't know." He huffs out an awkward laugh. "It was already so cool of you to let me go to orientation this morning, and I guess I just wanted to make sure you remember that I'm grounded and everything."
Cas smiles and Sam catches a trace of something playful in his eyes as the man levels a mock stern glare at him. "Oh, I remember, Samuel. Your behavior this week would be hard to forget."
Sam feels his cheeks warm with embarrassment. "Sorry, I mean, I know you remember, I just….. don't want to take advantage of you, I guess, when I'm supposed to be grounded."
"Thank you for considering my feelings, but I don't feel taken advantage of."
Sam shrugs and lets out a soft laugh, feeling self-conscious. "What I should have said was just that if you're good with letting me come with you, I would definitely be up for a hike today. That sounds really fun."
"Good. Then it's settled. And, I really don't think that hiking with one of your parents counts as breaking your grounding." Cas gives him a warm smile. "I feel very certain that Dean would back me up on that."
Sam grins, liking the sound of Cas referring to himself as one of Sam's parents. It's not like his logical brain believed that Cas would change his mind about adopting him because of his misguided attempt to find Gabriel, but a tiny bit of fear had weaseled its way in and stayed tucked in close to his heart ever since the night Cas had found out about the private investigator. Things seemed to have changed then, the night Cas had gotten the phone call. It wasn't just that Cas had threatened to hit him, it was more the subtle shift in Cas's attitude toward him, the coldness that night, and the distance Sam has felt in their relationship in the days since. "Ok, cool."
"All right, then." Cas gives him a warm smile. "Let's wash up and get changed. I'll make us some sandwiches and then we'll head out."
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It takes a little over an hour to reach the top of Briars Point, mostly walking side by side, Sam occasionally falling in line single-file behind Cas when the trail narrows or when they cross paths with other hikers on their way back down. Sam thinks Cas was right, that just being outside like this, taking in the views, being in nature and getting a better workout than he's had since basketball season ended is making Sam feel peaceful in a way he hasn't felt since his arrest, or more accurately since he went behind Cas's back to contact the investigator and started feeling the subtle unease that always seems to accompany sneaking around. There are a couple other groups of hikers admiring the view and snapping photos on their cell phones, but the flat clearing at the summit is wide enough that Cas and Sam are able to find a spot that feels somewhat private, where they won't be overheard by other hikers.
"Is it ok with you if we take a break and enjoy the view for a moment before we head back down?" Cas asks.
Sam nods as he takes a drink from his water bottle, then flips the spout closed. "Yeah, of course." Sam takes a couple of steps toward a large rock that reaches slightly higher than waist level. "You think it's ok if I sit on this?"
Sam waits for Cas to nod his permission. "I do. Just be careful." Sam stands his water bottle up on the rock, sets his palms against the flat top of the stone and hoists himself up backwards to sit on its edge. Cas smiles affectionately at Sam, pats him on the knee and leans back against the front of the rock next to Sam's dangling legs, taking a sip from his own water bottle as he admires the view of the lake.
"It's really pretty up here." Sam says.
"Yes, it is quite lovely." Cas says. "It reminds me of a spot my family used to hike when I was a child."
"And…..that's a good memory?" Sam ventures hesitantly, not wanting to offend, but as always, feeling pulled with curiosity toward any detail of Cas's very atypical early life.
Cas nods, keeping his gaze on the vista in front of them, a small smile on his face. "It is. One of a select few."
Sam is horrified, but also intrigued, by Cas's childhood. He thinks about the abuse Cas suffered as a child, and about him losing his entire family and being kicked out onto the street alone for merely kissing another boy, and he wonders how Cas turned out as thoughtful and compassionate as he is, despite the trauma of his upbringing. Cas is one of the kindest, most forgiving people Sam knows, and Sam would consider that special no matter how the man was raised, but it feels even more impressive knowing even a small sliver of what Cas lived through as a kid. Sam's mind flashes back to the home improvement store with Gavin, showing him wild, terrified eyes as the man with PTSD pulled the bucket off his head and the look of hatred in the eyes of the youngest employee when they had gone back to apologize, and then to Kelly calling him a bully in the car a few hours earlier. He thinks about how smug he had felt when he hired someone to look for Gabriel, how sure he had been that he was doing the right thing, even as he had taken that choice out of Cas's hands, and the way Cas had walked back into the kitchen in low-grade shock the night he found out what Sam had done, angry enough to threaten him with physical punishment, and he feels horrible. Even though he was raised by a brother who loves him and treats him like he is the most important person in the world and a father who wasn't perfect, but was so much better than what Cas had for parents, Sam doesn't feel like he's anywhere near as good a person as Cas is. He wonders how much of Cas's kindness was cultivated by the cruelty the man experienced in his childhood instead of being an innate quality that flourished despite it, as Sam had always assumed it to be. That maybe Cas learned to be so careful of other people's feelings because he understood how bad it felt to have no one being careful of his.
"Hey, Cas?"
Sam knows his voice must sound off when he sees the smile fade from Cas's face and shift into concern as the man turns toward him. "Yes."
Sam looks out toward the view and away from Cas. "Do you think Kelly's right, that I'm an asshole?" Sam remembers the reprimand he received in the car earlier and glances quickly at Cas to gauge his reaction, but the man is watching him with a neutral expression, showing no trace of anger. "Sorry, I should have said bully. That's what she actually called me, anyway. The other thing was inferred." Sam exhales softly, trying to laugh to hide his embarrassment, his eyes trained straight ahead at the view. He shoots another brief, sidelong glance at Cas and finds himself the subject of the man's full attention as Cas seems to be carefully studying him, his brow furrowed in thought.
Cas takes a moment before he responds, and while Sam appreciates the thought he knows the delay means that the man is putting into his answer, he also feels himself becoming anxious as he waits. Shouldn't this be an easy no if Cas loves him enough to want to adopt him and be his parent?
"I don't think Kelly's right." Cas says. "Knowing you as I do, I don't see you as a bully. I certainly don't see you as an asshole." It feels weird to hear Cas swear, but Sam appreciates that Cas is being honest and treating him like an adult instead of focusing on the swear and scolding him for it. He gives Cas a small sad smile in thanks. "But, I have the advantage of having shared a home with you and helped parent you for the better part of a year now. Our time together has exposed me to many different aspects of your personality and helped me to understand you better. I have been able to witness you during some of your more vulnerable moments, and I have experienced you reaching out to me with love during some of mine. I have seen how much you love Dean and what a good brother you are to him, and I had heard many stories from him about the kind of child you were before you came into my life." Cas pauses and Sam lets everything the man said sink in, appreciating the man's generosity in how he sees him. Sam's mind flashes on Cas holding him on the bathroom floor and lovingly pushing his sweaty hair off his forehead after a bout of vomiting. Then Cas walking into the police station and hugging him to his chest, his own hands in cuffs stuck between them, clutching desperately at the front of the man's coat. Then the love and forgiveness Cas had shown him that night at the kitchen table when Sam had cried and apologized for melting down at the man over basketball tryouts. He can remember hugging Cas on the couch the night he learned that Balthazar was dead, but that seems like nothing in comparison to what Cas has done for him. He had honestly felt like he was reaching out to Cas with love in trying to find Gabriel, but he understands now how wrong he was. "Kelly has had none of those advantages." Sam looks toward Cas and takes in the kindness that's always there for him in the man's eyes. "She heard about you doing something very unkind while she was still just getting to know you. She doesn't have the same kind of history with you that I do. If she did, it might have allowed her to view your behavior with Gavin the same way I do, as an aberration from your usual kindness and thoughtfulness, instead of as an indication of a lack of moral character."
Sam feels that his doubt must be showing on his face when Cas tilts his head to one side. "What is it, Sam? Do you disagree with something I've said?"
"No. I just think you see me as better than I am." Sam says. "I don't know if I'm as kind and thoughtful as you think I am."
"Why do you say that?" Cas is all open curiosity now, and Sam starts to feel self-conscious.
"It's just…..like today." Sam starts. "I know you're proud of me for volunteering at the animal shelter and everything, but I would have never thought of doing something like that if Kelly hadn't brought it up that day she was over for our project, and if I hadn't liked her and wanted to get to know her."
"That may be true, Samuel." Sam notes the change in his name and wonders if this is about to turn into a reprimand on being too selfish to volunteer his time without getting anything out of it for himself. "But, knowing that Kelly no longer wishes to share her volunteer experience with you, you are still planning on moving forward with volunteering on your own, are you not?"
"Yes, Cas." Sam says. "And it will probably be a good experience. It was fun when we got to play with the animals and everything today. But following through on volunteering honestly has more to do with you than me. It's kind of like when you had me apologize to the guys from the store. I knew it was a good thing to do, and I'm glad I did it now, for sure, but I don't think I would have done it if you hadn't made me. Like with the animal shelter, if it was just me, I'd probably call and tell them that I wasn't going back. But, you volunteer there, too, and I don't want to embarrass you, and I know that community service is important to you, and I want you to think I'm a good person and be proud of me, so…." Sam shrugs.
Cas frowns at Sam. "I am always proud of you, Sam. Do you feel that I have pressured you into volunteering at the animal shelter? I thought we agreed you would volunteer your time this summer in addition to getting a job when Dean and I offered to help you buy a car."
"Yeah, I know. We did." Sam says. "And, you aren't pressuring me. I want to do it, but…..I guess my point is that I don't do nice stuff just, just out of the goodness of my heart or whatever, like you do. I kind of only do good stuff when there's something in it for me, like getting to hang out with Kelly or making you happy."
Cas nods. "I understand, but I believe that if you continue to volunteer at the shelter and are able to care for some of the animals there, and perhaps make them feel less scared and alone during their time there, your motivation for doing so won't be an issue. At least not one that I will be concerned with. Your actions, and the good you do, will be what matters."
"Yeah." Sam agrees. "Ok, but, what about when my actions suck?"
"Actions that...suck." Cas says the last word stiffly, with obvious discomfort. "Still matter. It feels irrelevant that you did not enter that home improvement store with bad intentions since your actions still caused harm to other people. And, thinking you were helping me, or that you knew what was best for me regarding my brother, didn't keep me from getting hurt when I learned that you had disobeyed me and done something that you knew I didn't want you to do."
Sam feels a wave of embarrassment at the references to how he had hurt Cas, and looks down at the rock he's sitting on, drumming the backs of his sneakers against the face of the stone.
"I'm really sorry that I hurt you, Cas." Sam runs a finger across a raised ridge in the stone, unable to make eye contact. "I'm really sorry for what I did, and I wish I could take it back."
He feels Cas's hand land gently on his ankle, stilling his foot, thumb and fingers circling around the back of his leg, just above his sock, the contact grounding and comforting. Sam looks up to Cas's face, knowing he owes Cas the respect of eye contact, and feels a warm swell of gratitude for the love and compassion he finds there.
"I know you're sorry, Sam. You have already apologized and been forgiven. It wasn't my wish to shame you just now. I was merely trying to demonstrate the impact our actions can have regardless of our intentions. I didn't mean to upset you."
Sam nods, looking back down, flicking the plastic spout of his water bottle open with his thumb, then closing it again, anything to not look at Cas. "I'm sorry about when I first moved in with you, too. For the first few months, really. For how I acted. I was such a jerk to you back then."
Sam feels Cas squeeze his ankle gently. "I forgive you for that, too. You were going through a lot during that time. You had just lost your father. Dean had brought you to live with a man you barely knew. You had to adjust to me and to a new school and new friends. It must have felt like your whole world had been upended, and not for the better."
Sam glances back up at Cas, then out toward the lake. "It did. But you were really good to me from the beginning and I treated you so badly. I was always either giving you attitude or trying to block you out and ignore you. You didn't deserve any of it. And, I mean, yeah, it felt like my whole life was a mess, but I still had Dean. And, I had you, offering me this safe place to live and being nice to me. When I think about what you went through at seventeen." Sam hesitantly looks toward Cas, trying to read the man's reaction to make sure he hasn't offended him by bringing up his childhood. Cas's expression is sympathetic and Sam averts his eyes again before continuing. "You didn't have someone like Dean in your life, who you knew would always be there for you no matter what, or someone like you, who was willing to take care of you and give you a home. And, I bet you didn't treat the people who did help you like shit." Sam looks quickly toward Cas. "Sorry. I just mean that you probably weren't a jerk to the people who did help you. Like, I know you got help from people at social services and at that shelter I did my community leadership project on, and I bet you were never so awful and ungrateful to those people the way I was to you even though you were going through something way worse than I was."
Cas nods thoughtfully and pulls his hand back from Sam's ankle, resting his elbow and forearm on the face of the rock as he looks up at Sam. "You're right about that. I always tried to be respectful to the people who helped me. And, I felt extreme gratitude to my social worker and the nuns at St. Francis who took care of me and gave me a bed to sleep in and warm meals and helped me get into school. But, you need to understand that I hadn't received much kindness from my parents, or other adults in my church when I was young. And any desire to act out in anger or even talk back to adults had been beaten out of me long before my family told me to leave. When I found myself homeless and alone, I was so grateful to anyone who helped me or offered me kindness because I was sure that anything would be better than starving on the street on my own." Sam feels a pang of sadness and pity for teenage Cas, only a year older than Sam is now, and everything he had to endure. "But, your situation is very different from mine, Sam. You lost something of great value when your father died. You had a parent you loved very much, and who loved you in return. And, having to deal with the sudden loss of someone you love is extremely difficult. From what I've read on the subject, anger is a very common reaction to that kind of loss, especially for young people. I understand that you were taking that anger out on me."
"Yeah, I was definitely pissed about losing my dad." Sam feels a visceral reaction to the mention of his father and does his best to tamp down his emotions. "It just felt so unfair. Especially since I never really got to have a mother, at least not one that I can remember. But, that doesn't make it ok for me to treat you the way I did. I want you to know that I get that."
"I appreciate that, Sam." Cas tells him. Sam watches him open his mouth then close it quickly as if deciding against whatever else he was going to say.
Sam huffs out a self-deprecating laugh to lighten the mood before he ends up crying like an idiot on the top of this mountain. "Yeah, well, I appreciate you not kicking me out of your house for being a jerk."
Cas shakes his head slowly, giving Sam a small smile. "I have never wanted to kick you out of our home, no matter how you behaved toward me. Long before Dean and I ever discussed adopting you, I had made the choice to love you and treat you like you were mine. It felt like the only thing that made sense given our situation, with me in a relationship with Dean and you living with us. From the moment Dean moved you into our home, you and I were thrust into a de facto parent child relationship and I have wanted to do the best for you that I could in helping Dean care for you. I was always hopeful that you would come around and accept me eventually if I offered you the love and support that I didn't have at your age." Sam thinks about the kind of compassion and maturity needed to keep showing kindness to someone who only gives you shit in return and it makes something in his heart ache for Cas, who held onto that hope long before Sam deserved it. He wonders if he could ever be capable of that kind of loving sacrifice.
"You did." Sam tells him, his voice slightly off with emotion. "You do. Everyday. I appreciate everything you do for me, Cas, really, even if I haven't always acted like it."
Cas gives him a warm smile. "I appreciate you and Dean being my family and making my house feel like a home for the first time."
Sam feels himself smiling. "I'm really glad we did this today….." Sam trails off, not sure how to say everything he wants to say. That he's so grateful to have Cas in his life. That Cas makes him feel like he still has an actual parent in a way that Dean never really could. That he's so glad his brother found this man and brought him into their lives. That he's so grateful that Cas has enough love in his heart to open his home to his boyfriend's bratty little brother.
"I am, too." Cas says. "I have enjoyed our time together today very much."
"That's, uh, that's really good to hear." Sam says. "After everything that happened this week, I wasn't sure that you'd still want to be around me. The night that you went for a walk…..after you talked to the investigator…...I was pretty sure you hated me…...I was scared that I'd wrecked stuff with us."
Cas levels a serious look at Sam. "I was very angry with you, Sam. I felt violated, and betrayed, and I needed time and space to process what you'd done. I also needed to get away from you before I did or said something damaging that I would have regretted later. Despite my anger, and my shock, I recognized that the way I spoke to you that night, threatening you as I did, was unacceptable and I knew I needed to leave before I made things worse. I don't handle surprises very well, even when they are good surprises, and I tend to…...shut down when faced with emotionally upsetting surprises. But, even then, that night, I never hated you. I never wanted to end our relationship or have you gone from my life. It's important to me that you understand that and I'm sorry that I made you feel otherwise."
Sam gives Cas a small grateful smile. "Thanks, Cas." Sam hears a swell of sound, young voices talking and giggling. He turns to see a troop of scouts cresting the hill, their leader speaking loudly to get their attention as they excitedly talk among themselves, spreading out across the overlook. Sam looks back toward Cas. "Should we head back down?"
Cas winces as a child's excited shriek carries across the clearing. He nods at Sam with a playful gleam in his eye. "I think that would be wise." Sam scoots to the edge of the rock and drops down to his feet, stumbling slightly when one foot lands on a loose branch. He isn't in danger of actually falling, but he gets a warm, safe feeling when Cas steadies him with a firm grip on his bicep anyway.
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Castiel slices a knife lengthwise through a carrot. He lays one half of the carrot flat side down against the cutting board and starts to slice it into narrow slivers. "Sam, I would very much like to talk to you about an incident from my childhood. Would that be ok with you?" Castiel looks up from his chopping toward the boy, who is standing a few feet away checking on the rice, the pot lid raised in one hand, looking at him with eyes wide with surprise.
"Yeah, of course, Cas." Sam gives him a small smile and lowers the lid to cover the rice. "Uh, the rice is almost done. You have anything else for me to chop?"
Castiel hands Sam a head of cabbage. "Why don't you start on this?"
"Ok." Sam sets himself up at another cutting board a few feet from where Castiel is working on the counter. "So what do you want to talk about?"
"When we were speaking at the top of Briars Point today, I wanted to share something with you, but I didn't get the chance." Castiel isn't sure if he's doing the right thing by sharing something so personal and something that's likely to upset the boy, but he feels a strong need to have Sam understand the complexity of his relationship with his brother and how that experience influenced his reaction to Sam's attempt to locate Gabriel. "It's about my brother, Gabriel." Castiel glances toward Sam, who had started awkwardly cutting into the cabbage leaves, but now holds it still against the cutting board as he looks back at Castiel, guilt clear on his face.
"Oh, uh, ok." Sam says.
Castiel returns to his chopping. "I know I told you about how I got caught kissing another boy and was asked to leave both my family and my church when I was seventeen."
Castiel can see Sam nod his head out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah. I remember."
"Well, I was told that evening that I needed to leave, more specifically that I would be put on a bus early the next morning because the church leaders believed there was no redemption for me after what I'd done." Castiel slices through a few more strips of carrot. "That night…...that night, I went to my brother, Gabriel, and begged him to come with me. He was the person I was closest to in my family. He had been my best friend my whole life and I loved him with all my heart. He was always willing to listen to me, and he always cared about how I felt. He was the only person I could ever really count on to be there for me. Once when we were little, I think I was eight so I suppose Gabriel was nine, he assumed responsibility for something I had done and received a spanking in front of our entire congregation in my place because I was so terrified of facing the church leaders."
"He sounds like a really good brother." Castiel doesn't look up at Sam's voice, but he hears it waver slightly, and he regrets bringing up the punishment Gabriel endured for him. Castiel keeps his eyes trained on the task before him, pulling another carrot toward him and starting the process again. He hears the sound of Sam's knife contacting the wooden cutting board with each slice through the cabbage.
"I always thought he was. He was a year older than me, so he was already eighteen and technically an adult at the time of my excommunication, and he had been talking about leaving the church ever since Balthazar had run away shortly after his own eighteenth birthday a few years earlier. The night before Gabriel had turned eighteen, I had begged him not to run off in the middle of the night as Baltazar had done. I had cried like a small child and begged him to take me with him if he was going to leave. I had promised that I would be useful. That I would get a job and work hard. I had told him that I wouldn't survive if he left me. That I couldn't imagine enduring in our family and in the church without him. He had told me then not to worry, that he wasn't going to leave. That he wouldn't do that to me. I can remember how safe I felt at hearing that, believing that my brother loved me as much as I loved him and that parting ways with me would have broken his heart as much as it would mine." Cas pauses to collect his thoughts. "The night I was told I had to leave….when I asked him to come with me….I could see it on his face before he responded. He told me he couldn't leave. That he was in love with a young woman in our church and that he couldn't leave her. I knew he had feelings for this girl and that they had spent some time together, but it was still very early in their courtship. We had known this girl all our lives and perhaps Gabriel's feelings had run deeper than I understood at the time. I cried and begged him. I told him how scared I was. Of being in the world beyond our church, of which I had so little understanding. A world that I had been told was full of violence and depravity my entire life. Of being all alone. Of having no one. I begged my brother to come with me, to help me. In the end, he chose someone else over me and I got on that bus alone the next morning feeling like I didn't matter to anyone." Cas can still feel that time so clearly if he lets himself. He can feel the humidity of that summer night, the blades of grass against his palms as he sat behind the shed with Gabriel, in the place that had always been their spot for private conversations. He can see the distressed look on Gabriel's face, can feel his own heart breaking at the realization that his brother, his only true ally, was forsaking him, and that he would be cast out alone. He can remember begging and pleading his case, and Gabriel's discomfort. He can remember crying so hard that he gave himself a pounding headache, and then the sad expression on his brother's face, Gabriel's own eyes wet and shining with tears as he told him, I'm sorry, Castiel, but I just can't, and Castiel's own heart seemingly shattering in his chest. Castiel pulls himself out of his thoughts and turns toward Sam. The boy is standing with his hands down by his sides, the cabbage half-chopped and forgotten on the cutting board next to him, his eyes wet with unshed tears. Castiel feels a rush of shame for sharing his story with a child so young and sensitive. "Oh, Sam." He moves toward the boy and wraps him in a hug, feeling two arms squeeze tightly around his waist in response. He hears the boy sniffle into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, sweet boy. I didn't mean to upset you." Castiel rests a palm on the back of the boy's head, cradling him gently against his shoulder. "I only wanted to explain how complex my feelings are toward my brother so that you could better understand how I reacted to you trying to find him." He runs his hand soothingly through Sam's hair. "I can see now that it was selfish of me to share my past with you. I know it can be…...disturbing to hear about, and I'm sorry for that."
Castiel feels Sam's head shaking against his neck and shoulder. "No, don't apologize." Sam's voice is thick with emotion and Castiel feels a fresh wave of guilt and remorse. "I'm just so sorry you had to go through that." Sam slowly pulls out of his embrace. Castiel lets him go, watching the boy take a step back and wipe at his eyes. "What you went through is pretty much the stuff I had nightmares about after my dad died. That Dean would ditch me for you, or that I'd get taken away from him. That I would end up all alone. I'm so sorry that happened to you, Cas. Really."
"Dean would never abandon you, Sam." Castiel tells him solemnly. "Dean loves you more than he loves anyone, including me. You and Dean share the kind of bond that I had only imagined existed between myself and Gabriel. Dean would never choose anyone, including me, over you. And, that's the way it should be."
Sam huffs out a soft laugh as he wipes at his eyes again. "You know, I'm really glad I didn't actually find your brother, because I really want to punch him in his freaking face right about now."
Castiel can feel himself frown. He's never certain on whether he should admonish Sam for quasi swears, like freaking or crap, but he decides to let it go this time. "When I think about what happened now, as much as it still hurts, I can understand that it was too big of a burden to place on someone so young. It was a lot to ask of him."
"No way." Sam sniffs, shaking his head. "Dean would have gone with me at eighteen. I would go with him now, at sixteen, in that situation. If my dad had kicked Dean out at any point, I would have gone with Dean, no matter how old I was. If I had known you back then, if I had been your brother, I would have gone with you, I don't care how old I was."
Castiel feels a warm smile on his face. "Thank you, Sam. That means a lot to me."
"And, I'm so sorry for hiring the private investigator and bringing this all up for you again." Sam says. "I was so stupid, and so stubborn. I should have listened to you, and to Dean. All I could think was how horrible it would have been to be separated from Dean and how much I would want to find him. I'm so sorry that I didn't listen to you. I'm so sorry I made you think about all this again." Castiel watches fresh tears run down Sam's face. He grabs a loose paper towel off the counter, folds it into quarters and dabs at Sam's cheek with it until Sam raises a hand to take it from him and wipe at his tears himself.
"I forgive you, Sam." Castiel tells him. "I love you so much, and I forgive you."
Sam's face crumbles and he takes two steps toward Castiel, wrapping him in another hug. "You're never going to be alone like that again, Cas."
Castiel hugs him back, a small smile on his face as he gently rocks the boy in his arms. "My sweet boy."
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Dean parks his car and pulls the garage door closed behind him after his fill-in shift at the restaurant. He's exhausted from a long day on his feet after what feels like a hell of a week, between starting his new job at the warehouse and dealing with so much shit from Sam. He's still wrapping his brain around everything that happened this week, with Sam getting arrested and having a court date to appear at, and the kid getting caught going behind Cas's back to try to find Gabriel. Dean loves his little brother, but part of him is still pissed at what the kid has done and it didn't even happen to him. He wonders how long it will take Sam and Cas to get back to normal after all this, and if things will ever really get back to being how they were before. Dean unlocks the front door hoping for a drama free night, feeling too tired to deal with much else. The sight that greets him when he walks into the kitchen is a surprising one. Cas and Sam are sitting at the kitchen table, a serving platter heaped with egg rolls between them and another of the homemade breaded chicken fingers that Cas makes, three place settings laid out, a glass of red wine in front of Cas and an open bottle of beer in front of Sam, both men grinning up at Dean expectantly.
"Hello, Dean." Cas says.
"Hi Dean." Sam says.
"Hey, fellas." Dean responds, a confused half-smile on his face as he tilts his head toward the beer. "Did I miss cocktail hour?"
"Oh!" Sam picks up the bottle and Dean can make out the level of liquid, untouched at the neck, and the condensation on the amber glass. His brother offers him the bottle with a huge grin. "It's for you, Dean. Because we love you. Welcome home."
Dean accepts the bottle and takes a long sip, shooting his brother and boyfriend a comically suspicious look over the bottle, one eyebrow arched in question. "Ahhhh." Dean exaggerates his enjoyment as he sets the bottle down by his own place setting and walks around Sam, ruffling the kid's hair playfully, before bending to drop a kiss on Cas's upturned and waiting mouth. "We're having egg rolls and chicken fingers for dinner?" These are two of Dean's absolute favorite things that Cas makes, but his boyfriend has never made them for the same meal before.
"Yep!" Sam says, pointing to a small bowl of white rice. "With coconut rice. And for dessert, we made those double chocolate brownies you like with the swirl of peanut butter baked in."
"Huh." Dean quickly washes his hands at the kitchen sink before joining his family at the table. He spots a small ramekin of light brown sauce and feels his smile widen. "You even made the peanut sauce. I love the peanut sauce."
"We know." Sam says with another grin. "We made honey mustard sauce for the chicken fingers, too."
"So, what's the occasion, guys?" Dean asks. "I'm pretty sure it's not my birthday."
"There's no occasion, sweetheart." Cas passes the plate of chicken fingers to Sam and gives Dean a warm smile. "We just wanted to do something special for you since you worked all day while we were enjoying ourselves."
"Oh, yeah?" Dean accepts the plate of egg rolls and puts two on his plate. "What did you guys do that was so fun?"
"Lots of stuff." Sam grins as he spoons honey mustard onto his plate next to his chicken fingers. "We volunteered at the animal shelter this morning. Then we went hiking at Briars Point. Then we went grocery shopping, and I helped Cas make dinner. We laughed, we cried. It was a big Sam-Cas bonding day around here."
Dean watches his boyfriend grin at his brother's description of their day, and Dean feels a smile take over his face at how much his two favorite people seem to be enjoying each other. Maybe everything really is going to be ok.
"It certainly was that." Cas adds. "And, we didn't want you to miss out, Dean."
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"I'm not saying that I'm opposed to a dog or a cat, Cas. It could be fun to have a little furbaby running around the house." Dean lies on his back on their bed, naked except for a sheet draped over the lower half of his body, watching his post-shower boyfriend dab moisturizer around his eyes in the bathroom doorway. "I'm just questioning whether right now is a good time to reward Sammy with a pet, seeing as how he's gotten in more trouble this week than, oh I don't know, the rest of his life combined."
Cas frowns, and Dean gets distracted by how cute his boyfriend looks, standing there in his pajama pants and tee shirt with wet, rumpled hair. "I wasn't thinking of it as a reward, exactly." Cas says. "I was considering it more as an opportunity to add a new member to our family." Cas smiles and Dean knows he's going to end up giving in. He's never been good at resisting when his little brother wants something, and he knows he's a goner when Cas is the one doing the asking on Sammy's behalf. Having his boyfriend care so much about his little brother melts him like nothing else. "Maybe it would be nice to have a sweet little animal to love and care for. I think it might feel soothing."
"I thought we talked about this before his birthday." Dean says. "You said you wanted to either get him a pet or help him get a car and we decided to go with the car." Dean watches Cas put the lid back on his tub of moisturizer, set it down on the bathroom counter and wipe his hands on a towel. "What changed? Is this because you guys made up?"
Cas approaches the bed and sits down next to Dean's hip, putting his hand in Dean's and holding it gently. "I don't think it's just that." Cas grins down at Dean. "Although, it was a lovely day. I'm very pleased with how things went with Sam today. I feel that our relationship is more solid now than it's ever been."
"That's great, Cas. Getting to hang out with you today meant a lot to him." Dean says. "But, you don't need to get him a puppy to commemorate that you guys are buddies again. You know that, right? That he wants to spend time with you more than he wants a dog?"
"I understand, Dean." Cas says. "And, my first instinct when Sam brought it up this morning was the same as yours, that it might not send the right message to gift him with a dog so soon after his arrest and everything else he's done recently, but the more I think about it, the more I feel that we don't have a lot of time to waste." Cas starts to massage the inside of Dean's wrist and Dean can feel himself relaxing under his touch. "Sam will be finishing his sophomore year in a few weeks. We'll only have him here, as a child in our home, for two more years. I think if we would like Sam to experience having a childhood pet, we should adopt an animal sooner rather than later."
Dean intertwines his fingers with Cas's. "Really? You're going to play on my emotions like that?" Dean aims for playfulness, but the idea of his little brother moving out in two years, to go to school who knows how far away, never fails to ignite a low-grade panic deep inside him. He drops his voice to mimic the gravelly rumble of Cas's, "You know, Dean, we'll only have Sam in our lives for five more minutes. We better spoil him like crazy now before he leaves for college and never wants to hang out with us again."
Dean watches Cas's expression shift into amusement, and feels relieved that Cas didn't become concerned at the underlying worry in Dean's words instead. "I certainly don't mean to pressure you, sweetheart." Cas tells him seriously. "As much as I am onboard with the idea, I understand that having a pet would be an adjustment for all of us and that we should only move forward with this if we are all in agreement that it is the right thing for our family."
"Can I think about it and give you an answer tomorrow?" Dean asks.
Cas lies down on his side next to Dean, bending one arm and propping his head on his hand. "You can think about it as long as you need, Dean."
"And, can we at least wait until Sammy's not grounded anymore?" Dean asks. "The last time we grounded him, we put up the basketball hoop. If we get him a dog while he's grounded this time, that kid's going to be trying to get grounded because the perks are so good. I mean, do we really want Sammy out knocking over liquor stores trying to get grounded so he can get a pony or a jet ski out of it."
Cas smirks. "I definitely don't want that, sweetheart." Cas slowly lifts the sheet off of Dean's groin and peeks underneath, a playful smile forming on his face as he watches Dean's body respond to his attention. He looks back up at Dean. "Perhaps we should stop talking about Sam now."
Dean gives him his cheekiest grin. "Perhaps."
Cas is starting to pull the sheet back when there's a hesitant knock on the door. Then Sam's voice through the door, in a stage whisper. "Are you guys still up?"
"No, we're asleep." Dean responds, just as Cas says. "Yes, we're up." Cas sits up and levels a playfully stern look at Dean while placing a pillow over Dean's lap, before adding. "You may come in, Sam."
Sam opens the door slowly and peeks in, an uncertain expression on his face. "I'm not interrupting you guys, am I?"
"No one's junk was out yet, if that's what you mean." Dean smirks as Cas shoots him another disapproving look.
"Eww, don't be gross, Dean!" Sam makes a face as he takes a few hesitant steps into the room holding his open laptop. "I just wanted to show you guys something. But, uh, it can wait until tomorrow, if you guys were, like, about to…..." Sam makes a vague gesture, waving the hand not supporting the laptop in an awkward circle.
Dean watches Cas pull away from him, making room on the bed for Sam and patting the space between them. "You are always welcome, Sam. You are never an interruption."
Dean shifts around as he wraps the top sheet snugly around his waist, grateful that it's an opaque, dark blue. He grabs his sleep shirt from the foot of the bed, pulls it on over his head, and settles the pillow tighter against his lap even though he had started losing his erection as soon as Sam had entered the room.
"Cas is right, Sammy." Dean tells his brother. "Come show us whatever's got you so excited, kid. We can always." Dean smirks and mimics Sam's hand gesture. "Later." Like after you leave for college, Dean thinks with an unexpected hit of sadness.
Sam grins and climbs onto the bed, scooting in between Dean and Cas and situating himself with his ankles crossed and knees out to the sides. "So, Coach Harris sent around the link for the basketball camp this summer. You need a link from him to register because you have to be recommended by your high school coach. And, I only saw it now since I didn't have my phone all day."
"Aw, poor little phoneless Sammy." Dean mocks playfully.
Sam laughs. "I'm just sayin…." He moves the cursor and clicks through several photos. "But, look at these pics from last year's camp! I knew they had a few guys from KU stop by, which is already awesome, but they also had a couple of NBA players who played for KU come to talk to the players. Isn't that so cool?"
Dean misses most of the photos because he's staring at Sam's profile, not wanting to miss any of the excitement on his little brother's face. He hears Cas validate Sam's enthusiasm and commend the college and NBA players for their willingness to give back to their communities. Dean takes in the scene, Cas snuggled close to Sam to view the images on the screen, intently listening as Sam excitedly explains who a certain player is, and he feels immensely grateful for his little family of three, all safe and loving on each other like this. Dean snaps himself out of his own head and leans closer to Sam to see the laptop. "This all looks really cool, Sammy."