Notes: This chapter jumps ahead to the first semester of Sam's freshman year in college. Thanks to all who are still reading this little story, and particularly to those who have shared their thoughts with me in reviews. As always, feedback and constructive criticism is warmly welcomed.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Supernatural
Trigger Warnings: Emotional hurt. Mentions of past child abandonment.
A little over two years later. Late October of Sam's freshman year of college.
Sam lies on the couch feeling restless. He's scrolling through Instagram on his phone, just for something to do, while he waits for Cas and Dean to get home. It's a few minutes past five on a Friday, so Cas should be home pretty soon. Sam doesn't know what Dean is up to today on his day off, but he doesn't want to text his brother and give away the surprise. On his two hour drive down from the university, he's become attached to the idea of surprising Dean and Cas as they walk into the house. He talks or texts with his parents at least once a day each and they have a family video call every Sunday night, most times with Dean calling in separately from the fire station since he usually has the overnight shift on Sundays. Dean usually works a good chunk of the weekend, but had mentioned on a call to Sam earlier in the week that he had ended up with both Friday and Saturday off this week, so when Sam's Friday afternoon class had been cancelled at the last minute, it had felt like the right time to throw some clothes in a backpack, grab his dirty laundry, and head home to see his parents for the first time since leaving for college in August. Sam thinks about how easily his mind supplies the term parents now when he thinks of Dean and Cas. He uses the term parents whenever he mentions them to friends at school, and dad when he references either of them separately. He hasn't even given any of his new friends details on Dean and Cas being gay, or adopting him, or Dean actually being his brother in addition to his parent. It's not that he's embarrassed by any of his family details. It's just that it's no one else's business, and he doesn't want people treating him like he's a special case, or worse, pitying him, because he doesn't have the parents he was born with. He likes being able to tell a random childhood or high school story and just use my dad to cover Dean, Cas or his actual dad. The pure normalness of it still gives him a rush of satisfaction every time.
Almost three hours later, when Sam has shot some baskets in the driveway, made himself a few snacks, and is sprawled on the couch mindlessly watching television in the dark to pass the time, he hears Cas's car pull into the driveway. Sam had parked his own car, the used Toyota that Cas and Dean had helped him buy when he had finally saved enough to cover his half at the start of his senior year of high school, two houses down so it wouldn't give away his presence. Sam clicks off the television and jumps up, wondering if he should hide somewhere and pop out, then deciding against it because it's Cas, and Sam doesn't want to actually scare the guy or trigger him in any way. He separates two blinds with his fingers and peeks out, making out Cas's familiar form standing in the driveway in the dark wearing his trench coat, holding his keys out toward his car as it beeps to engage the locking mechanism. Sam notes the slump of Cas's shoulders, the way the man's head is angled downward, and his overall appearance of someone who has had a long, tough day, and he feels a burst of love for Cas, who loves him enough that Sam is positive his presence will turn the man's day around for the better. He can already picture how happy Cas is going to be when he sees him.
Sam perches on the arm of the couch, then stands. He feels a wave of nervous energy that maybe Cas won't be as excited to see him as Sam expects him to be. He hears the key in the lock and then Cas is opening the door and flicking on the living room light.
"Hey, Cas." Sam goes for casual as Cas spots him. Cas's eyes go wide and for a moment he looks so much like a deer in the headlights that it makes Sam remember the man telling him that he doesn't do well with surprises after coming home to unexpectedly find two of Sam's classmates in his kitchen, and he wonders if he's made a mistake by showing up unannounced like this.
Then Cas's face breaks into a huge grin. "Sam!" And, he's setting his briefcase down on the floor and moving toward Sam. Sam feels a matching grin on his own face as he takes a few steps to meet Cas halfway. Sam lets himself get pulled into a tight hug and wraps his arms around Cas's waist squeezing the man in return. Sam can feel the cold emanating from Cas's body from his time outdoors, but he's enjoying the physical contact too much to pull away. After a long moment, Cas pulls back, holding Sam's shoulders at arms length, grinning so wide that his gums are visible above his upper teeth. "It's so good to see you, sweet boy." He wraps Sam in another quick hug and Sam feels Cas stretch up to kiss the side of his head before releasing him again. "This is absolutely the best thing I could have come home to."
"Long day, huh?" Sam asks. "Were you at work all this time?" He's never known Cas to stay at the office this late. Sam remembers Cas coming home a little after five every night, eating a family dinner with him and Dean, and then finishing any work he needed to take care of on his laptop at home on the couch or at the kitchen table. Sam knows that Dean works a lot of twenty-four and forty-eight hour shifts now, sleeping at the firehouse, and it makes Sam a little sad thinking about how often Cas must eat alone and how the guy no longer rushes home at five to maximize his time with his family.
"Yes." Cas nods, and Sam can see the stress and exhaustion in the man's eyes now. "It was…...a rough day. It's been a rough couple of weeks, actually."
Sam feels a spike of concern. "Is everything ok at work, Cas? Are you all right?"
Cas gives Sam a smile that's both tired and warm. "You're very sweet to worry about me, Sam, but I assure you, there is no need. I am all right." Cas's expression shifts into a small, indulgent smile. "Does Dean know you're here?"
Sam shakes his head, not sure he's convinced that Cas is really all right. "No, I wanted to surprise both of you guys."
"Ah. I see." Cas says. "So, may I ask what made you decide to come home?" Cas asks.
"It was super spur of the moment. My afternoon class got cancelled. And, I've been missing you guys, kind of a lot." Sam shrugs. "So, I packed a bag and hit the road."
"I am so very glad you did, Sam." Cas looks happy, and a little overwhelmed. "I should text Dean to let him know to come straight home and join us. I know he will be as excited as I am that you're home, and he won't want to miss any time with you."
Sam frowns in confusion. "Is Dean at work? Did his schedule change? He told me earlier this week that he had Friday and Saturday off this weekend. I figured it was the perfect time to come home."
Cas moves past Sam toward the coat rack, pulling off his trench coat and hanging it up. "His schedule does seem to change fairly often. My understanding is that he is usually the one asked to cover last minute shifts since he has the least seniority of any firefighter at the station. He will want to be here as soon as he can and spend as much time with you as possible."
"Can you just tell him he needs to come home after work, but not that I'm here?" Sam asks. "I really want to surprise him, too."
"Certainly, Sam." Cas gives him a warm smile and pats him on the arm. "I wouldn't want to give it away and rob Dean of the wonderful surprise I just got to experience."
"Cas, it's ok that I came home this weekend, right? And surprised you guys?" Cas seems genuinely happy to see him, but the guy also seems to be giving off stress vibes. It hits Sam that Dean doesn't get many weekends off and that maybe he and Cas had something planned before Dean's schedule changed and had planned on salvaging some time together the rest of the weekend. Or that Cas might have planned to spend the weekend catching up on work or his volunteer projects.
Cas walks over to him and lays a hand on Sam's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Of course it is, Sam." Cas gives him a warm smile. "It's more than ok. It's wonderful to have you home. It's the best surprise I have ever experienced. You can surprise us like this anytime. I never want you to doubt that this is your home and that you're welcome and wanted here, always." Cas pulls him into another hug. "I have greatly missed being able to do this whenever I want."
"I've really missed hugging you, too." Sam says over Cas's shoulder.
Cas pulls back from Sam and looks him up and down. "Have you grown again or am I just feeling particularly short today?"
Sam smiles. "Yeah, I think I grew another inch. I really hope I'm done."
An upset look crosses Cas's face. "I just realized there is very little in the way of food in this house. Had I known you were coming, I would have stocked up on your favorites. Have you eaten dinner?"
"I picked at some stuff in the kitchen." Sam smiles sheepishly. "Like a lot of stuff actually, so basically however much food you think you guys have, you probably only have about half that now." Cas narrows his eyes at him playfully and Sam laughs. "But, I still have room for dinner. I promise." Sam points a thumb toward the door. "I can go pick up takeout somewhere if you want?"
"What I'd really like to do tonight is make my child a home cooked meal." Cas thinks for a moment. "Would you be all right with vegetable fried rice? I believe we have everything we need for that, including the frozen potstickers you like to have with it."
"That sounds great, Cas. I can help. Just tell me what to chop."
"Ok then." Cas smiles and nods. "Let me go change out of my work clothes and text Dean."
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Cas is stirring the rice and vegetables on the stove top. Sam is at the counter slicing green onions for garnish, telling Cas about one of his classes. "-so, yeah, it's not my favorite either, but I'm not hating it as much as some of the other people in class. I mean, he's a tough professor, for sure, but I'm getting a lot out of it because he's so tough, you know, like I always do all the reading for that class, and I definitely can't say that about every class." Sam looks up to see Cas leveling a stern look at him and laughs.
"I certainly hope you are taking all of your classes seriously, Samuel." Cas tells him, and Sam laughs again.
"So, when am I going to be too old to be called Samuel." Sam makes his voice low and gravelly to imitate Cas's stern tone as he says his name. "When you think I'm doing something wrong."
"When I'm dead, Samuel." Cas deadpans. Sam barks out a laugh and watches Cas's lip quirk up in a small smile as the man looks down toward the frying pan in front of him.
"Fair enough-" Sam is distracted by the sound of the Impala pulling up in front of the house. "That's Dean." Sam hurriedly wipes his hands on a dish towel and steps away from the counter, looking expectantly at the door. "Maybe I'll just act all casual when he walks in." Sam picks the knife back up and lines up another green onion to chop. "I'm going to be all, what do you mean, what am I doing here, I live here, weirdo." He hears the heavy driver's side door slam shut and then Dean's footsteps coming up the walk. At the key in the lock, Sam feels a rush of excitement that he's about to see his brother after the longest time they have ever spent apart. Before he can think about it, he's setting the knife back down and moving quickly toward the door, meeting his brother as he enters. "Dean!" Sam laughs in delight as he catches a quick flash of the joy on Dean's face before he attacks his brother with a ferocious hug.
Sam feels Dean's arms wrap around him and crush him against the solidness of his chest. "It's so good to see you, Sammy. I've missed you so much, kid."
"Me too." Sam pulls back after a long moment, smiling at Dean. "It's good to see you too, Dean. I didn't realize how much I missed you guys until I got home."
"Lucky you." Dean tells him with a warm, playful smile. "I'm painfully aware of how much I miss you every day." Dean's voice gets noticeably hoarse by the end of the sentence and Sam feels a pang of sympathy toward his brother as he watches him grin extra brightly to compensate for showing emotion. "So, what brought you home this weekend, kiddo?"
"Nothing really." Sam shrugs as they walk into the kitchen, where Cas is holding the pan up at an angle and is using a wooden spoon to scrape the fried rice into a serving dish. "My afternoon class got cancelled, and you had said you had today and tomorrow off, so it seemed like the perfect weekend to come home." Sam frowns slightly. "Sucks that you got called in. Do you still have tomorrow off, at least?"
"Uh, yeah." Sam watches Dean shoot a look toward Cas, who hasn't looked up from his task to acknowledge Dean's presence. Dean looks back toward Sam. "Yeah, of course, Sammy, I have tomorrow off. And, I'm all yours. I'm totally free to hang out and do whatever you want."
"Cool!" Sam grins and opens a cabinet and pulls out three plates and starts setting the table.
"Hello, Dean." Cas walks past Dean to set the bowl of vegetable fried rice on the table.
"Hey, Cas." Dean stands beside the table, out of the way. "Thanks for texting me."
"Of course." Cas says. "I wouldn't want you to miss any time with Sam."
"This is a pretty great surprise, huh?" Dean asks. Sam can feel Dean's gaze following him as he sets out glasses. He feels Cas gently squeeze his shoulder as they walk past each other, criss-crossing the kitchen as they work together to set the table and fill water glasses.
"It certainly is." Cas smiles toward Sam as he takes his seat at the table.
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"You know what I've been thinking about a lot since I've been at college, Cas?" Sam asks. They have finished eating dinner, but are all still sitting at the table talking.
"What's that?" Cas asks.
"About how tough it is to balance all my classes, and my part-time job and meeting new people and being on my own for the first time, and having to do my own laundry and everything-."
"And, missing your family terribly." Dean supplies with a playful grin.
"Yeah." Sam nods and reciprocates the grin. "That, too. Of course, that, too. But, then I think about how college was for you, Cas. I mean, you were totally on your own, not just at school, but like in the world in general. And, you were living in a homeless shelter while you were going to school. I can't even imagine how much harder college must have been for you."
Cas nods, his expression thoughtful. "I did spend some time at the shelter, as you know. But by the time I was a few weeks into my first semester of college, I was given the opportunity to move into a transitional housing program, which is different from a shelter. I was set up to share an apartment with five other young men, most of whom had aged out of the foster care system and were either attending community college, as I was, or working full-time jobs. It worked in my favor that I was still a minor and eligible for these services. And, that I was assigned a social worker to help me access the resources that were available to me."
"Still, it had to have been much more difficult than how I'm doing school." Sam says. "I think about that sometimes when I'm calling you guys with stupid questions, or when one of you randomly texts me to say good morning or tell me you love me, or when I got the three care packages you guys have already sent me in just two months of school." Sam huffs out a laugh before his expression turns serious. "I'm really grateful that I have you guys for my family. I want you both to know that. I feel really…...supported, I guess, and that makes everything else feel easier and better." Sam focuses his gaze on Cas. "You had no one to turn to or rely on and it must have made everything so much harder, and college is already hard as it is. I just think about you at my age sometimes and I think about how impressive it is that you stuck it out even though it had to have been hard and that you made it through college and got yourself a good job and a house and everything."
"That was definitely impressive." Dean tells Sam. "Cas is a pretty impressive guy."
Cas looks uncomfortable as he nods down at his empty plate before looking at Sam. "Thank you both, but it wasn't as impressive as you might believe. Much as I followed the path of least resistance with my family, bending to their will and that of the church as much as possible when I was a child, I did the same at the shelter and with social services. I was fortunate enough to wander onto the premises at St. Francis and obedient enough to do as the nuns asked of me when they connected me to social services. My social worker provided me with all the next steps, instructing me to apply for transitional housing, and community college and helping me complete my forms for food stamps and financial aid for school. I simply followed the path that was laid out for me." Cas averts his eyes, looking down toward the middle of the table. "I have always been very…...comfortable following rules."
"Yeah, no disrespect, Cas, but I think you're really downplaying your achievement." Sam says. "There's this girl on my floor who aged out of foster care and at our first dorm meeting, she told us that only 3% of kids who age out ever go on to get a college degree. She was really proud of herself for making it to college against those odds and everything. And, you were in a really similar situation, and I just think you should be proud of yourself, too. I know I'm proud of you."
"Thank you, Samuel." Cas gives Sam a small, humble smile. "I will take that under advisement."
The use of his full name when Cas isn't in reprimand mode signals to Sam that he's made the man uncomfortable, and he doesn't say anything more on the subject. "So, what do you guys want to do while I'm home?" Sam grins broadly. "I'm thinking maybe a family hike and lots of games of horse. What do you guys say to that?"
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Dean is hovering by the foot of the bed, watching Cas finish brushing his teeth through the open bathroom door. Cas catches his eye in the mirror as he sets his toothbrush back in the holder, his mouth a tight line as he turns around.
"Did you bring anything with you, Dean?" Cas asks. His voice and expression are neutral and while that has by no means been unusual for Cas throughout the time Dean has known him, it feels different enough in their current circumstances to tug painfully at Dean's heart.
"No." Dean says. "I was out for a drink with Kenny and Steph when you texted. I came right over." Dean could still remember the trepidation he had felt when his phone had alerted him to a text from Cas and the pure joy that followed after he read it, Sam is here. He came home for the weekend. Can you come over? He would like to surprise you, so please react accordingly when you see him. I haven't told him anything. He had driven right over, grateful that Cas, who never lies or schemes, had blown Sam's surprise to help Dean manage his expectations about why Cas was inviting him over to the house.
"I see. Well, you still have clothes here, and you may help yourself to anything of mine in the bathroom that you may need."
"Thanks, Cas." Dean says. "You sure you're ok with this?" He thinks about how safe and loved and wanted he used to feel in their bedroom and how overwhelmed with grief he feels now, as he stands in the room for the first time in almost two weeks.
Cas sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. "We share a child, Dean. I'm confident we can share a bed for the night. We can talk to Sam tomorrow. I think he will be ok if we frame it as a mutual decision. That we've just grown apart. I don't know what you're thinking, but I have no interest in Sam knowing the specifics of why you find me too…...oppressive to be with." Cas trails off and Dean feels a wave of bone-deep shame.
Dean has been dreading talking to Sam about this, partly because it would make what he's been trying to convince himself is just a temporary separation feel real, like the ending that it actually is, and partly because he knows that once Sam knows what caused the rift between him and Cas, the kid will come down squarely on Cas's side and Dean will be forced to endure the brunt of his anger and possibly lose something in his relationship with his little brother. He gets it, really, because if he were in Sammy's shoes, he'd want to kick his ass for the way he hurt Cas, too. He's ashamed of himself when he thinks of the language he used with Cas, calling the guy out for not being social enough with Dean's friends, comparing Cas to his father in terms of controlling him. He wants to kick his own ass several times a day when he replays their conversation in his mind. He originally pictured himself telling Sam the truth somewhere down the line, after he and Cas had gone their separate ways and were both happy with their lives. The only problem with that plan is that Dean can no longer picture himself being happy without Cas. It wasn't until Dean had been trying to fall asleep on Ryan's couch hours after he had effectively ended things with Cas, that Dean had realized what a huge mistake he had made.
"I shouldn't have said that. Being with you isn't oppressive." Dean doesn't know if isn't is still appropriate, but he can't get himself to refer to their relationship in the past tense yet. "That was a shitty thing for me to say and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for a lot of things. For everything really." Dean can hear the emotion in his voice and does his best to rein it in before he loses control. "And, thanks for being ok with not giving Sammy the details. I appreciate that."
"It's not a favor to you, Dean. I'm simply trying to save us all embarrassment and spare myself Sam's pity." Cas's tone is cold and it makes Dean think of how strong and self-contained Cas has always had to be, throughout his abusive childhood, and then on his own at seventeen, with no one but himself to depend on for emotional support. Sammy's right. Cas is impressive. But, the hardship he experienced also forced him to develop the defense mechanism of shutting down and closing himself off from more hurt. Dean mostly thinks of Cas as warm and loving and kind, and the idea that he might have lost access to that side of the man hurts him deeply. "Sam is a very sensitive boy, and I don't want him wasting energy feeling sorry for me."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell him tonight." Dean says. "It's so amazing to have him here. It's exactly what I need. And I know how weak it makes me, but I couldn't bring myself to wreck the night by telling him. Especially the way he was talking about being so grateful to have us, to have a family he can count on to support him…."
Cas sighs, tiredly. "It isn't completely on you, Dean. I was right there all night, too. And, I couldn't tell him either." Cas pauses, in thought. Dean is grateful for the lack of anger, and that they can still talk to each other. "I should have. I just…...don't deal well with surprises. I was very caught off guard when he arrived, and I felt too unprepared to have the conversation since you and I hadn't really discussed how we were going to tell him, and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page in terms of how to present the situation before we spoke to him."
"I appreciate that. And, I am sorry, though. I know it isn't fair to put you in this situation. I know you don't want me here-"
"Don't do that, Dean." Cas gives him a stern look. "Don't rewrite history to validate your own feelings as the injured, unwanted party. You left. You told me how you felt. You dropped a relationship's worth of feelings and grievances at my feet like a bomb, and you left me to deal with the fallout on my own."
Dean takes a couple of hesitant steps around the bed toward Cas, but stops a few feet away at the hard look in Cas's eyes. "I'm sorry, Cas. Really. I'm sorry for everything. I was a complete ass. I'm just so sorry."
Cas sighs. "I believe you." Cas says. There's no heat or accusation in his voice, but no love or fondness either, just honest acceptance, and it makes Dean feel even worse.
"Thanks for texting me, Cas, and letting me know Sammy was here, and letting me come over tonight." Dean says. "It means a lot to me."
"Dean." Cas uses the low, gravelly tone that always does things to Dean, and Dean feels himself choking up at all the memories it stirs up. "I would never try to keep you from Sam. That would be unfair to both of you."
"I appreciate that, Cas." Dean tells him sincerely.
Cas sighs tiredly. "Why don't you get ready for bed? We can discuss our approach with Sam tomorrow morning before we speak to him." Cas looks exhausted and that makes Dean feel even guiltier. If Cas's last two weeks have been anything like his own, the guy's been dealing with a lot of stress and pain. "It's been a long week, and I'm just really not up for this tonight."
Dean nods wordlessly, not trusting himself to respond without becoming emotional. He heads into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He's grateful for the moment alone to compose himself as he uses Cas's face wash, toothbrush and moisturizer. He relieves himself and washes his hands, giving himself one last look in the mirror before exiting the bathroom. Cas is lying on the far side of the bed, his back to Dean. Dean is hit by a wave of raw grief at the idea of climbing into what used to be his bed, next to the only man he's ever really loved, with the knowledge that tonight is an aberration and that this experience, which was once a source of such comfort to Dean, is no longer his to have. He feels like he's drowning under the weight of what he's done.
"Cas." Dean speaks quietly, not wanting to disturb him any more than necessary. "Are you sure you're ok with this? I mean, I can take a blanket and crash on the floor, or the armchair or something if you want."
Cas doesn't turn to face him and for a moment, Dean thinks the man is either asleep or pretending to be. Then Cas sighs quietly. "That's quite unnecessary, Dean. It's a large bed. You won't bother me. But, if you prefer to sleep somewhere else, please don't let me stop you."
Dean sighs and pulls back the covers. He climbs into bed, lying on his side, faced away from Cas, being careful to stay close to the edge, leaving a large gap between them on the king size bed. He pulls the covers over him and stares into the dark, knowing that sleep, as it has so many nights since he left, will likely be a long time coming.
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A few hours later, Dean is still awake in the dark bedroom, feeling alone and miserable and plagued by regret. His mind churns over the sickening details of that night almost two weeks ago when he had, as Cas described it, dropped a bomb at his boyfriend's feet. But, it had all really started before that. It had all been building up for a while, since Sammy had left for college and Dean's life had shifted off its axis, leaving him without the purpose that he had identified with most strongly since he was six years old, of taking care of Sammy. Dean had already been working at the fire station for months before Sammy had left for school, and he loved his job, felt he was good at it, and got more fulfillment from helping people in a crisis than from any other work he had ever done or had previously seen himself as capable of doing. And, surely without his current job, if Dean had still been at the warehouse when Sammy had left, things would have unraveled even faster.
If Dean is honest with himself, he knows it was building even before Sammy left, that having his brother gone from his everyday life was just the final push that toppled everything, when the foundation had been cracking for years. Dean thinks about the life Cas has seemed so comfortable with since Dean met him, working, volunteering, socializing mainly with Dean and Sam, and having Anna as his sole friend. Cas had been so resistant to hanging out with his friends from the warehouse, and the times he had joined them for drinks had been undeniably awkward, leaving Cas anxious and Dean guilty for forcing his boyfriend out of his comfort zone. It had hit Dean how much he might miss out on being with someone who found socialization in groups or with new people so stressful and uncomfortable. That was the first time Dean had started to feel stuck with Cas, and it had panicked him.
Dean's mind goes further back to the day of Sammy's adoption, when they had posed for their first official family photo with the judge, and for a few more on the courthouse steps, and had left grinning and hugging and clapping Sammy on the back. Dean knows that his brother and his boyfriend hadn't had to fake their exuberance at becoming each other's family, but a small voice in his own head had persistently reminded him that Cas wanted to be Sam's family more than he wanted to be Dean's, and Dean had been left feeling foolish for holding out hope that Cas might propose before their court date so they could all officially become family at the same time.
Dean supposes that Cas not asking to make their relationship legal when the guy legalized his relationship with Sammy was the first time Dean had felt genuinely rejected by Cas, reinforcing the deep down feeling of never being good enough that Dean's father had inadvertently drilled into him from an early age. Dean's insecurity and feelings of unworthiness had started seeping into his headspace more often, coloring his outlook on his relationship to Cas, even as his confidence grew at work and with his friends. Over time, Dean's self-preservation instincts had kicked in little by little and he had started looking for reasons to pull away and not fully invest in what he had with Cas, in case the guy decided not to keep him. Dean spent more and more time out of the home with friends, seeking validation where he could find it. When Sammy left for college, the topic of marriage still hadn't come up after over three years of living together, even though Cas had made it known that he was open to the possibility of fostering or even adopting another child. The idea of Cas being willing to adopt a child as yet unknown to them, without first looking to cement what he shared with Dean, hadn't sat right with Dean. He had turned to his friends more and more often to vent, and frequently received the same advice, that Dean was too young to be stuck with someone who didn't make him feel loved and happy.
Dean had spent the day in question off from work and on his own, and being alone with his thoughts had never led to anywhere good in Dean's experience. That day his thoughts had taken him to particularly maudlin places, reaching a crescendo in which he felt trapped in his relationship with Cas, who held him back socially, who needed so many things done according to his own rules, and who didn't love him enough to want to marry him. Dean had worked himself into a panic at the idea that he had never lived his life on his own, having gone straight from being a part of his dad's household to being a part of Cas's. That he lived in a home that was Cas's, not theirs, and would always have less say in how they ran their household because of it. By the time Cas had arrived home from work, Dean had been feeling the crushing pressure that he wasn't living the life he should be and that he needed to be out on his own, paying rent on a place that was rightfully his, going out as much as he wanted, and making choices about how he lived his life with the complete autonomy that a person was supposed to experience at twenty-four. He hadn't necessarily wanted to break up, or he doesn't think he did, but he can't say for sure what his goal was when he had started discussing his feelings with Cas that night, standing in a clean kitchen because the idea of making dinner had made him feel too claustrophobic somehow.
Dean could still see the confusion on Cas's face when Dean had tried to describe how he was feeling, and the especially pained expression in the man's eyes when Dean had compared being in his home to having been raised by his dad, I just feel like I went straight from being dependent on my dad and following his rules, to living in your house and being dependent on you, without ever becoming my own independent person. When I think about it like that, it all feels so…..oppressive. And the frustration he had felt over not being able to express himself the way he wanted when Cas had asked if it was their age difference that was bothering Dean. It's not that, or not really, it's more that sometimes I feel like I'm still a kid living in someone else's house, instead of being your equal partner. And, the look of hurt on Cas's face when Dean had used Cas's lack of social skills, something he knows Cas is deeply self-conscious about, as a reason why they might not be as compatible as Dean once thought. I don't want to miss out on having friends and a normal life because socializing makes you anxious and uncomfortable. And, the lowest he had sunk in trying to defend his perspective, throwing some of their intimate activities in Cas's face when the man had tried to argue that he does see Dean as his equal. Yeah, well, I can't picture you telling me what a naughty little boy I am or spanking my ass raw if I was thirty-five and made as much money as you do. Cas had stared at him for a long moment before responding and Dean had tried to back pedal, realizing he had gone too far and not wanting to actually damage Cas. If it has become your goal to humiliate me, Dean, then I agree that our relationship has run its course. I have dealt with being made to feel unwanted and humiliated for most of my life. I will not tolerate that from you, or anyone else, not any more. If you don't want to be with me, if you think I hold you back from a normal life and that you'd be better off without me, then please don't let me stop you. And, just like that, having painted himself into a corner because he couldn't keep his stupid mouth shut and just be grateful for what he had, Dean had lost the second most important person in his life.
Dean can feel tears welling and he tries to blink them back. He feels the burning pressure building behind his eyes that always precedes real crying. He starts to sniffle, and tries to hold it in. He feels the first tear run down his cheek, then he lets out a quiet sob and quickly covers his mouth with a handful of blanket, biting down on it, trying to smother any more sounds that try to escape. The blanket smells like Cas, and more tears pour out of his eyes. He feels Cas shift on his side of the bed and he knows he should get up and go downstairs. Cas is a light sleeper and Dean doesn't want to wake him up and have him witness this pathetic display of Dean having made a bed that he wasn't prepared to lie in. Just as he's starting to slowly push back the covers to get up, being careful to tread lightly to not disturb Cas, he feels Cas moving toward him on the bed, and then Cas's hand on his shoulder. Dean freezes under the touch, embarrassed at Cas seeing him like this, but grateful for the contact and not wanting to scare Cas into removing his hand. Cas's voice is soft in the dark. "Is this ok, Dean?" Dean sniffles as he nods his head, welcoming Cas's touch. "Would you like me to get you a glass of water?"
Dean shakes his head. He doesn't want Cas to leave, or even to stop touching him. He feels Cas move closer to him on the bed. He feels the hand leave his shoulder as Cas wraps his arm around him, holding him tentatively as he asks "Is this still ok?"
Dean nods his head as small, choking sobs escape his lips. Cas's arm around him tightens and he feels himself being held snuggly, his back against Cas's chest. He feels Cas's breath warm on the back of his neck, and he can't handle the closeness and intimacy that he knows he no longer deserves to receive. He bursts into convulsive sobbing, turning his face to muffle himself against the pillow. He feels Cas gently rubbing the center of his chest, trying to comfort and calm him.
"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry." Dean chokes up on the last word, rendering it almost unintelligible.
"I know you are, Dean." Cas tells him, his voice gentle. "But, getting yourself worked up like this isn't going to help anything. Let's just lay here together and relax." Dean feels Cas's hand move up to his face and lightly stroke his temple and push back his hair before returning to his chest. "And, try to get some sleep. We don't want to be too tired to properly enjoy Sam's visit tomorrow."
Listening to the kindness in Cas's voice soothes Dean enough that he starts to feel his sobbing lessen, then, after a few moments, stop completely. Dean lays still, feeling emotionally and physically wiped out from crying. He could definitely use a glass of water, but Cas is still running his hand softly across Dean's chest, and rehydrating doesn't feel worth losing that touch and connection.
"Thanks for being nice to me." Dean chokes out, his voice hoarse and strained. He feels stupid and pathetic.
"You're welcome, Dean." Cas whispers behind him. "I hate seeing you hurting. That hasn't changed. It never will." Dean can feel the pause in the air and waits silently for Cas to say something more. When he does, Cas's voice is hesitant and vulnerable. "Now that you've calmed down, would you prefer that I return to my side of the bed?"
Dean shakes his head slowly. "Not really. Do you mind staying like this a little longer?"
"I don't mind." Cas stops moving his hand, but leaves his arm slung over Dean. "Try to get some sleep, sweetheart."
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Dean slips back into consciousness, and for a moment he feels safe and cozy in the soft sheets of the bed he shares with Cas, stretching his body gently as the sunlight seeps in through the blinds warming him. Then awareness comes rushing back. This is no longer his bed, or his home, and he no longer has Cas. It hits him like a jolt to the heart, as it has every morning since he quickly packed a bag and left their home. But, this morning, close on the heels of that memory, come two more. Cas holding him in the middle of the night, calling him sweetheart and comforting him as he cried, and Sammy being home. Two good reasons to slap a smile on his face and get his ass out of bed.
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Dean can hear their laughter before he even enters the kitchen to find Cas and Sammy making breakfast together, Cas alternating between moving scrambled eggs around in one frying pan and flipping bacon in another and Sam chopping fruit on the cutting board. "-no, he didn't notice!" Sam is laughing as he speaks. "He got locked out of the dorm in his pajamas. It was so ridiculous!" They both look up with big grins when Dean walks in, and the sight feels so normal and wonderful that it makes his heart swell with love for both of them, his little family. "Hey, Dean!" Sam says
"Hey, you guys are up early." Dean smiles broadly.
Dean watches his brother's smile intensify as they make eye contact, while Cas's seems to dim slightly. He gets that Cas is probably feeling a little unsure after last night. He is, too. And, he wants to squash any lingering awkwardness between them as quickly and soundly as possible.
"Yeah, we've already been to the grocery store." Sam tells him. "There was no food in this house." Sam smiles playfully. "Should I be worried about you guys starving without me here to keep an eye on you two?"
"Absolutely!" Dean jokes. "You should definitely move back home to babysit us. Good plan, kiddo!" Sam laughs. "What time did you two get up?"
"I got up around seven. Cas was already up." Sam turns toward Cas as if to draw him into the conversation, but Cas just gives the kid a small smile and keeps making breakfast. Sam looks back to Dean. "I have eight o'clock classes three days a week, so I've kind of gotten in the habit of getting up early. And, Cas is always up early. But, we know you worked an extra shift yesterday and we wanted to let you sleep in. We were going to wake you when breakfast was ready."
"Yeah? Well, the smell of bacony goodness beat you to it." Sam laughs again and the sound lifts something in Dean's chest, making him feel lighter than he has in a long while. Dean passes the counter first, reaching out to squeeze his brother's shoulder and land a light kiss on the back of his head. He heads toward the stove next, laying a hand on Cas's back and moving in for a kiss like he has a thousand times before. But, this time, Cas flinches back in surprise so violently that he almost knocks the pan of bacon off the grate over the burner. The grease sizzles loudly and makes popping noises as Cas steadies the pan. Dean freezes a few inches from Cas's face, then pulls back quickly, noting Sammy watching them with a concerned look on his face. Cas is looking at him, too, and Dean can't make out any anger or annoyance in the man's face, only genuine confused surprise.
"Are you guys ok over there?" Sam asks tentatively and Dean wonders the same, realizing that he might have read too much into what happened in the middle of the night, and that it might not have meant the same thing to Cas that it had to him.
"Yeah, we're good, Sammy." Dean plasters a grin he no longer feels on his face as he addresses his brother. "I just startled Cas. Which is a really stupid thing to do when someone's got a pan of hot bacon grease." He turns back to Cas. "Sorry, Cas."
Cas nods, his expression unreadably neutral, before he turns to Sam. "Sam, you said you have laundry in your car. Would you please go get it now? I believe this would be a good time to put a load in."
"Uh….." Dean watches Sam look down at the half chopped kiwi on his cutting board, and the mango still waiting to be cut, then back to Cas, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Right now? I'm not done with the fruit salad."
"Please do as you've been asked, Samuel." Cas's tone is firm, but his eyes are kind.
Sam looks to Dean for confirmation and he gives the kid a small smile and shoulder shrug. "Go on, Sammy. We'll be here when you get back."
"Uh, yeah, ok. Whatever you guys want." Sammy still looks confused, but the kid wipes his hands on a dish towel and obediently heads out the kitchen door to retrieve his dirty laundry.
Dean turns back to Cas, dread pooling in his stomach. It's not like he didn't think they still had a lot to discuss after Sammy headed back to school, but he'd let himself believe that their middle of the night cuddle session had meant they were on the road back to normalcy. Dean had foolishly allowed his mind to get ahead of itself as he showered and dressed, picturing himself picking up his stuff from Ryan's apartment and moving back into his home with Cas as his boyfriend welcomed him with open arms.
"What are you doing, Dean?" Cas almost whispers, his eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Why would you think it's appropriate to kiss me at all, nevermind in front of Sam when we're about to break the news to him that we're no longer together?" Cas doesn't wait for an answer, which works for Dean because he doesn't really have one, at least not a good one, not one with anything more than wishful thinking as its basis. "Witnessing physical intimacy between us this morning will only add to his confusion when we tell him we've broken up." Dean watches Cas glance over his shoulder toward the window, presumably trying to gauge how much time they have before Sammy walks back in. "I'm sorry if the comfort I offered you last night was confusing for you, Dean. I care about you deeply and my first instinct upon seeing you hurting last night was to do what I could to lessen your pain. But, you stood in this kitchen not two weeks ago and detailed everything that was wrong with me. You made it very clear that you don't want me the way I am, and I haven't changed."
"I'm sorry, Cas. I've just…..been having a rough time since Sammy left for school. I've been getting this…...panic about my life, and I thought it was about us, and you, but it isn't, it's just about me. I need to get my own shit together. I'm so sorry for everything I said, and I would take it all back if I could."
Cas nods quickly. "I appreciate your apology, Dean, but I can't unhear the things you said to me. Are you seriously asking me to be with you, knowing now how you feel about me?"
"How I feel about you?" Dean feels desperate to plead his case before Sam returns. "Cas, I love you so much. I respect you so much. That's how I feel about you. All those things I said, can we please forget them? Can you please give me another chance?"
Cas looks over Dean's shoulder again. "Sam is coming back in."
"Can we please just not tell Sammy anything this morning?" Dean knows he's begging and he's aware that it's not a good look. "Not until we've had the chance to talk more, just the two of us? Please, Cas."
Dean hears the door open behind him. He schools his features into what he hopes passes for pleasant before turning to face his brother. Sam smiles, traces of confusion still on his face, but now coupled with amusement. "Am I allowed back in now, or should I go for a walk around the block while you guys finish your fight?"
They both answer at the same time. Dean's scoff and no one's fighting, Sammy, mixes with Cas's don't be fresh, Samuel and it all comes out as a garble of words. Sam blinks as he looks at them, and Dean starts to feel self-conscious about what his brother might be seeing.
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Dean is standing in front of Sam's car, which has been pulled into the driveway, his fists on his hips, dirty rag hanging from one hand, as he looks down at the mechanical parts beneath the popped hood.
"You want to give it a start, Sammy?" Dean says.
Sammy gives him the dramatic sigh that Dean has been hoping the kid will outgrow for years now. He doesn't need to look at his brother to know there's an accompanying eye roll. It's the response that always lets Dean know that Sam thinks he's being a moron and that his little brother is completely exasperated with him, although he has no idea what he's done to earn it this time.
"The car is fine, Dean." Sam tells him.
Dean looks up at that, his brow furrowed in confusion. "You said it was making a clanging noise when you start it."
"Yeah, Dean." Sam says. "I said that to get you out here alone so you can tell me what's going on. Is Cas all right?"
"What?" Dean swallows and tries to look incredulous instead of nervous. "What are you talking about, Sammy?"
That earns him another eye roll. "Are you kidding, Dean? Something's off. I can't tell if it's him or both of you, but something's up that you guys aren't telling me."
"I dunno, Sammy-"
"Dean, don't treat me like a little kid." Sam admonishes Dean with a tone reminiscent of Cas's scolding. "I'm not some clueless idiot. I could tell something was wrong when I first got home last night. He was happy to see me, but he was giving off all these tense, stressy Cas vibes, and he was trying to hide whatever's wrong from me."
"He was probably just caught off guard." Dean says. "You know he doesn't do so well with surprises. But, I promise you, the guy is over the moon that you're home this weekend." Dean grins, hoping that focusing on the positive will derail this conversation. "We both are. It is so good to see you, kid."
"Dean, can you at least pretend you're looking at my car?" Sam is all curt annoyance. "I don't want Cas to look out the window and think we're just standing out here talking about him."
"Gee, where would he get that idea?" Dean teases, but refocuses on the car in front of him, reaching in and touching a few things, pretending he's troubleshooting a problem.
"And, yeah, I know he's happy to see me, but he feels off to me." Sam crosses his arms over his chest. " He didn't get home until after eight last night and he looked exhausted and miserable before he realized I was here. Does he work that late a lot? Does he still come home on time when you're not at the fire station? Wait, he's not sick, is he?"
"Jeez, Sammy, relax." Dean tells him, looking back up at his brother as he stays bent over the car. "Cas isn't sick." Dean thinks about whether he would know if something had happened to Cas in the last couple of weeks, and decides to add a disclaimer. "To the best of my knowledge, Cas isn't sick, ok? If he looked tired and miserable when he got home from work at eight o'clock on a Friday night, I'm guessing it's because he was tired and miserable from working until eight o'clock on a Friday night. Mystery solved, kiddo. Don't make it into something it isn't."
Sam sighs again. "Dean, it's more than that. I can tell. Is everything ok with his work?"
"I think so. I think everything's fine, Sammy." Dean says.
"You think everything's fine at his work? To the best of your knowledge, he isn't sick?" Dean can see the annoyed frustration coming off his brother in waves. "Why don't you know anything, Dean?"
"Hey, Sammy-" Dean starts, wanting to manage Sam's emotional state before this becomes a full on thing.
"Do you guys even talk anymore?" Sam asks.
"Of course, we-" .
"Are you guys all right?" Sam cuts him off again and Dean is starting to get annoyed. "You guys barely spoke to each other at dinner last night."
"What are you talking about, Sammy?" Dean stands upright and scoffs, playing the question off as absurd. "We both talked at dinner. Didn't I tell you that story you thought was so funny about the emergency call I went on at work with the bondage sex gone bad? Didn't Cas tell you about running into Gavin's mother at the grocery store last week and how she was berating the poor guy behind the deli counter and the manager had to give her a ton of free deli meat to get her to shut up and go home? Doesn't any of that count as talking?"
"Yeah, Dean, it does." Sam says. "But you guys were both laser focused on me the whole night. You barely looked at each other or spoke to each other. It didn't feel normal."
"Um, yeah, it's called being excited to see our child. Come talk to me in a couple of decades, when you have a kid who leaves you for college. Let me know if you can focus on anything other than that kid when he comes home."
Sam shakes his head sadly. "It's more than that, Dean. You didn't even kiss each other when you walked in from your shift last night. And, what was that about before breakfast?" Sam asks. "You tried to kiss him good morning and he practically swung on you-"
"He did not practically swing on me." Dean raises his voice in protest of his brother's characterization of Cas's response. As much as he doesn't want his brother's anger directed at him, he really isn't going to let the kid direct it at Cas, who's done nothing wrong. "You're being dramatic."
"Then he basically tells me to go take a walk so that he can, what? Lay into you for trying to kiss him?" Sam's angry bravado yields to scared concern. "Is that what happened? Did he lay into you for trying to kiss him? Why would he do that? Are you guys ok, Dean? I need you to be honest with me."
"Cas didn't lay into me, Sammy. He doesn't do stuff like that." Dean pauses, unsure of how to proceed. He decides to be kind of honest, while downplaying the situation so as not to worry his little brother or make anything he himself is not ready to face seem more real. He knows he'll end up looking like a liar if Cas still wants to end things, but he's holding onto a thread of hope that they can work things out without Sammy even knowing what happened. He can't let himself consider any other outcomes. He knows he'll lose it if he does. "Things haven't exactly been great between us, the past couple of weeks or so, but we're ok. We're fine. We're just working through some stuff."
Sam frowns and he looks so sad that it brings Dean back to seeing that same look on his brother's face when he was a little boy and his dad told them he was leaving for another job. "What kind of stuff?"
Dean schools his features into his best responsible adult look. "Just, stuff between us. Couple stuff. Ok?"
Sam scrunches up his face. "What does couple stuff mean, like sex stuff?"
Dean laughs at that. "I can't wait until you're in your first adult relationship and you realize that sex is only a small part of it, and that it's rarely ever the part that goes wrong." Sam gives him a small smile at that, but Dean can tell he's humoring him. "Couple stuff means private crap between me and Cas. You don't get to know everything just because you're our kid."
Sam nods. "Ok. That's fair. But, it's nothing major? I mean, you guys aren't breaking up or anything, right?" Sam forces a light laugh. Dean can tell he's trying to convince himself of the absurdity of the idea of his parents splitting up, and it tears at Dean's heart and makes him want to kick his own ass even more.
Dean can count on one hand how many times he's ever lied to his little brother. Most of those times were lies about their father to make Sammy feel better when the man had let him down. The only time in recent memory was the night Dean had set out to have sex for money with a man he'd met online and had ended up meeting Cas at the diner. Dean had told Sammy that he was meeting a friend and when the kid had pressed him, Dean had told him that Lisa was home from college and they were meeting for dinner to catch up. Dean feels a lurch in his gut, because lying to Sammy never feels right, even when he believes it's for the kid's own good.
"Yeah, Sammy." Dean says. "Of course it's nothing major. We're just…..adjusting to it just being the two of us now that you're in school. It's just been a rough patch, but we'll be fine. It isn't anything for you to worry about. You get me, Sammy?"
"Yeah. Sure, Dean." Sam nods, but doesn't sound convinced.
"No one's breaking up, ok?" Dean feels his stomach clench at the untruth, but it feels worth it when Sammy gives him a small but real smile.
"Yeah. Ok." Sam says. "I'm sorry if I overreacted and freaked out."
"It's ok, Sammy. But what's not going to help the situation is having you analyzing everything we do and say all weekend and ambushing us with conversations like this." Dean gives Sam his best stern look, his voice deepening to demonstrate how serious he is. "Am I making myself understood?"
The kid nods again and has the decency to look appropriately chastened. "Yes, Dean." The response isn't something Dean would ever have considered requiring from his little brother, but he can admit he likes that Cas beat it into the kid. He likes the respect and submission it conveys in moments like this. He has more faith that Sammy is taking something to heart and will do as he's told after a yes, Dean than a sure, Dean, whatever you want and he feels a wave of relief.
"Ok, then." Dean leans forward and pulls up the dipstick, checking the oil level.
Sam laughs. "I appreciate the method acting, but you can stop pretending to fix my car now. I was just using the car to get you out here, just the two of us."
"I know." Dean says. "But, since we're already out here, we might as well check some of your fluids." Dean looks up at his brother with a shit eating grin. "And, maybe I want a few more minutes of just the two of us." Sam huffs out a laugh. "So, which one of your dumbass friends got locked out in his pajamas?"
To be continued...