Notes: Thanks to everyone who is still reading this story and especially to those kind souls who leave me comments. This story is starting to wind down, but I have one more story idea that I want this family to go through before I wrap up. I'm thinking there should be another two or three chapters before I'm done. This is a long chapter. I hope you enjoy.
Dislaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Supernatural.
Trigger warnings: Brief mention of past abuse.
Dean feels a hand on his shoulder gently nudging him and his first instinct is to turn his face into his pillow and burrow deeper into the covers to stave off wakefulness for as long as possible.
"Dean." Cas's voice is low and soft, careful not to not startle him, and Dean smiles up at him as he opens his eyes, sleepy and content for a moment. He takes in the small frown on Cas's face and feels himself jerked back into reality as the whole messy situation comes crashing back to him in a wave of pain and regret. He feels his smile falter. Then, he remembers that Sammy's still home and that Cas has allowed him back into his home and his bed for the last two nights and is willing to talk to him after Sammy leaves, and he tries to let those things buoy his spirits. Cas being willing to talk means there's hope, and Dean is holding onto that fiercely for his own self-preservation.
"I'm sorry to wake you." Cas is frowning at him and Dean wonders how late he has slept. "Sam would like to go to Target, and we thought we could all go together before you head in for your shift at noon. Sam is planning to head back to school at that time, as well, because he has some studying to do for tomorrow."
"Oh, uh, yeah." Dean blinks and tries to look more alert than he feels. He had the best night of sleep he's had since leaving their home two weeks ago and his body still feels like it's catching up on quality sleep. "That sounds great." Dean starts to sit up, not wanting to keep his family waiting and not wanting to miss any more time with them all being together like this. "Give me ten minutes to shower and throw on some clothes." He pulls back the blankets and climbs out of bed.
"Ok. There's no rush." Cas tells him as he walks toward the door. "Come downstairs whenever you're ready. We're making breakfast."
"Hey, Cas." Dean is grabbing clothes out of the dresser. He finds underwear that's his, but he has to go through Cas's things to find clean socks. "How's your ankle this morning? Are you sure you're up for a Target trip?"
Dean looks up to see Cas's shoulders visibly stiffen from behind. He doesn't turn around to face Dean, just turns his head to the side so that Dean can see his profile. "Would you rather go without me, and have this time with Sam by yourself?"
"What?" Dean is caught off guard by the question and pauses in his search for a tee shirt to borrow. "No, of course not."
"I've had one on one time with Sam both mornings before you woke up, and before you arrived on Friday night." Cas's voice is neutral. "It would be…...only fair, I suppose, if you wanted the same. I won't stand in your way."
"Cas, that's not what I meant. And, I had some one on one time with him when I helped him with his car yesterday. And, that was nice, but I like it better when we all do stuff together. I know Sammy does, too. I didn't mean to make you feel like you weren't welcome. You always are. Me and Sammy always want you around. And, this is the last couple of hours we get to spend with him before he heads back. I would never spring it on you like this that I wanted him all to myself. I was honestly just concerned about your ankle. That's all."
Cas nods, his head still facing the wall, not looking at Dean. "My ankle is much better today, Dean. I should be fine at Target. Thank you for your concern." He walks toward the door and pulls it open without looking back. "We'll see you downstairs whenever you're ready."
Dean sighs and gathers his clothes into a pile to carry into the bathroom. He hates that this is where they are now, in a place where Cas doesn't trust him to not thoughtlessly hurt him. He thinks about the night before ending with a goodnight kiss on his forehead and Cas calling him sweetheart, and he hopes they can get back to that kind of tenderness before he has to leave for his shift.
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The Target trip goes fine. They load Sam up with snacks and toiletries and Sam thinks about how normal his life is now. That he's just like every other person he knows at school who returns to the dorms after a weekend at home with bags full of protein bars and chips, bottles of sports drinks and water, and extra toothpaste and shampoo. That he has parents who welcome him home like he's been missed terribly and who drop any plans they might have had to spend the whole weekend with him on no notice. It calls to mind a phrase Cas had used to describe him years ago when Dean had been nervous before a visit with their old social worker and Cas had assured Dean that the social worker would see that Sam was a loved and cherished child. Sam has thought about that phrase many times over the years, during moments like this weekend, when Dean and Cas have made him feel especially loved and cherished. He thinks about how Cas had come home late on Friday night looking exhausted and how he had perked up immediately at Sam's presence. And, how Dean had grinned at Sam as if seeing him was the best thing in the world when he had come home. He loves the feeling of being able to make people he loves so happy just by being around them.
He watches them now with a worried pit in his stomach. He thinks about how rough yesterday had started, with Cas pushing Dean away when he tried to kiss him before breakfast, but how good things seemed to be by the end of the evening, with Dean falling asleep on Cas's shoulder during the movie and Cas resting his hand on Dean's lap. Seeing them cuddled up like that had felt so very normal and reassuring. But, it seems to Sam that something between Dean and Cas has reset overnight, and the vibe Sam is getting from his parents this morning definitely feels closer to that of yesterday morning than last night. He wonders if this means they talked last night, and that it didn't go well. He watches them together throughout the shopping trip and notices the space between them, both in the wider berth they give each other physically, and in how they speak to him more than to each other. It's not that they're ignoring each other, and there's no actual hostility that Sam can detect, but there's a level of comfort and playfulness that's missing. There's a noticeable absence of casual touching between them. There is no laying a hand on the other person's back as one maneuvers around the other to pull something off a shelf or set something in the cart. There is no teasing from Dean, and no indulgent looks from Cas. Sam remembers the trip to Target the week before he had left for college. How Dean had been extra playful with him and Cas, to try to mask how sad he was that Sam was leaving, until he had gotten choked up in the bedding section when they shopped for sheets for Sam's dorm room, and how Sam had watched them exchange a soft look as Cas had taken Dean's hand in his and held onto it as they made their way down the next few aisles. It's hard to watch them now, with how carefully they move around each other, how safe and measured their words are, and the trace of sadness that seems to be present just beyond the overly bright smiles, knowing how different things had been only a couple of months ago. The situation leaves Sam with a gnawing feeling in his gut. Sam still misses his dad, but he feels like he's finally been given the stable and attentive family that he's always wanted, and he can't handle the idea of things going bad between Dean and Cas, and of losing the security of having an intact family to depend on and come home to.
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They all walk out to the cars together, Dean to head into work, Sam to head back to school and Cas to see them off.
"It's been really fun hanging out with you guys this weekend." Sam tells them as they stand on the sidewalk, his clean laundry and Target bags loaded in the car, and his backpack slung over one shoulder. "I know I just dropped in on you guys out of nowhere, and I'm sure you had plans or work stuff you wanted to get done this weekend, and I really appreciate you guys spending your weekend with me instead."
"Of course, kid." Dean says. "There's no way we'd rather spend a weekend."
"It has been wonderful having you home this weekend, Sam." Cas says. "It was such a lovely surprise."
"Thanks, guys." Sam leans in to hug Cas first, feeling the man's arms encircle his frame, holding him snuggly against his chest.
"I love you sweet boy." Cas speaks into the side of Sam's head.
"I love you, too."
"Can you please text us to let us know when you've made it back to school?"
"Yes, Cas. I will."
Then Sam turns toward Dean, who, after a lifetime together, is always the hardest to say goodbye to. Sam wraps his arms around his brother, squeezing him tightly.
"I love you, Sammy. So much." The ache in Dean's voice resonates with Sam. Sam knows that once he's back at school, the idea of being away from his brother will feel normal again, but at the moment, the act of leaving Dean feels unnatural enough to bring about a visceral reaction in Sam.
"I love you, too, Dean." When Sam pulls back, Cas is pulling his hand out of his pocket and holding a small wad of bills out toward Sam.
"Here's a little something to help tide you over until we see you again."
Sam accepts the money. "Thanks, Cas."
"It's from both of us." Sam catches a trace of surprise in Dean's eyes when he turns toward his brother to thank him. He takes in the small smile that Cas gives his brother, and the reciprocating look on Dean's face.
Sam holds up the cash. "Thank you to both of you, then. I appreciate it." He sticks the money into his jeans pocket. "And, I'll see you guys next month for Thanksgiving. And then for almost a month at Christmas." Sam isn't sure if he's saying this for their benefit or his own.
"We're gonna be counting down the days til Thanksgiving break the second you pull out of here, kiddo." Dean tells him.
"Me too." Sam says, and in the moment he means it. He realizes he'll get caught up in the distractions of school work and friends when he's back at school, and that Dean and Cas will likely spend more time actively missing him than he will them, and it makes him feel sad for them.
Sam throws an arm around each of their shoulders, forcing them to step closer together for a quick group hug. After a beat he pulls back. "All right, guys. I should hit the road."
"Yeah, I should get going, too." Dean says. "I don't want to be late for my shift. See ya, Sammy. Drive safe, kid." Dean reaches up to cup the back of Sam's head, tipping it down so he can land a kiss on his forehead.
"Bye, Dean." Sam watches Dean walk quickly over to the Impala. He knows Dean does have a shift to get to, but he also recognizes his brother needing to get away before he becomes emotional. And, Sam gets it. He turns back to Cas. "You're taking care of him, right, Cas? I mean, you guys are taking care of each other, aren't you?"
Cas nods solemnly and Sam hears the Impala's engine start behind them. "Yes, Sam, of course. You don't need to worry about us."
Sam gives him a small smile and turns to watch the Impala pull into the street and drive away. "Thanks." Sam pulls open the car door and sits behind the wheel. "Bye, Cas."
"Bye, sweet boy. Drive safely." Sam pulls the car door closed, and waves to Cas as he starts the car and pulls away from the curb.
Sam tries to focus on what he has to look forward to at school, to hanging out with his friends and maybe getting to spend time with Keisha, but his heart feels heavy at leaving his family. Sam is about two miles from home, lost in thought as he heads toward the highway, when he catches up with Dean at a stop light. Sam is two cars behind Dean, but the Impala is hard to miss. When the light turns green, Sam is surprised to see the Impala drive straight through the intersection instead of taking the left that would lead to the fire station. Sam gets the distinct feeling that something is off, and without realizing he's doing it, he follows the Impala at a safe distance past the on ramp to the highway he needs to take to return to school. A couple of miles later, Sam watches the Impala, now only one car ahead of him, turn onto a residential side street. Sam slowly takes the same turn, making sure to stay far enough back that his car won't register in Dean's rearview now that he's lost the cover of a car in between them. Sam watches the Impala pull over in front of an apartment building toward the end of the block and he pulls his own car over two houses away. He worries that he let himself get too close when he watches Dean emerge from the driver's side of his car. But, Dean appears to be in too much of a rush to notice his surroundings as Sam watches him jog up to the apartment building, his keys jangling in his hand by his side, then raised toward the door as he lets himself into the building. Why the fuck would Dean have a key to some place that isn't their house? Sam gets a sick feeling in his stomach as the only reason that makes sense hits him. Dean is having an affair with whoever the fuck lives in that apartment. The question pops into Sam's mind of whether Dean is seeing a man or a woman, and Sam feels gross for wondering. Either way, Dean fucking anyone who isn't Cas is all kinds of messed up. And, Cas must know, or at least suspect. That would explain all the tension between them. Everything suddenly feels real, like things could really be ending between Dean and Cas, and the even more upsetting thought hits Sam that if this is how their relationship is going to end, he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to really forgive his brother. Sam feels a hot rush of anger toward his brother for wrecking their family and destroying the only stable and happy family that Sam has ever known.
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Dean hurries back toward the apartment door a few minutes later, now dressed in his navy blue uniform pants and a light grey Lebanon Fire Department tee shirt, his navy blue uniform shirt hanging from one hand. He swings open the door and has to stop short to keep from running into his brother, who's standing on the stoop with one hand raised, poised to knock, with a furious expression on his face.
"Jeez, Sammy!" Dean feels his heart pound at the surprise. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Really, Dean? Me?" Sam asks, incredulously. "What the hell am I doing here?" The questions are laced with more spite than Sammy has aimed at Dean in years and it makes something in Dean's stomach lurch nervously. "I can tell you what I'm not doing here, Dean." Sam gestures toward the building behind Dean and raises his voice. "I'm not fucking whoever lives in this apartment behind Cas's back! But, I guess that's more than you can say, isn't it?"
Dean feels his own anger bubbling up at the accusation. "You shut your mouth. You don't know what you're talking about-."
"Don't tell me to shut my mouth!" Sam yells. "Look at you! You leave your work clothes here, for fuck's sake! I saw you let yourself in with a key! Jesus Christ, Dean, how much time do you spend here? This doesn't exactly look like something new. How long have you been doing this to Cas?"
Dean steps out onto the stoop, feeling his own anger rising to the surface. "Calm the fuck down right now, and shut your damn mouth." Dean hears the familiar tone in his own voice, the low, dangerous one their dad often used when Sammy was pushing the man's buttons, the tone that warned of impending violence and loss of control. The one that Dean has never used with his little brother. "I'm not going to tell you again."
Sam counters with something he's never done before either, at least not since he was old enough for it to count. Sam explodes forward and shoves Dean hard in the chest with both hands. "You stupid cheating asshole!" Dean feels himself thrown off balance. His arm scrapes roughly against the wood of the doorjamb. In his effort to catch himself, he raises a hand to the apartment door, remembering a beat too late that he hadn't pulled it closed behind him when Sam had caught him off guard. The door swings back inside under Dean's weight and he crashes to the floor across the threshold, landing hard on his ass.
Dean is back on his feet in an instant, feeling more visceral anger toward his little brother than he can ever remember feeling before. All the simmering resentment he feels toward Cas and all the anger he feels toward himself combine with frustration that his brother jumped to the most negative and baseless conclusion about him as possible. He's pissed, and for the first time in his life, he can understand his dad's impulse to just smack the shit out of his little brother in moments like this. Dean doesn't realize he's raised his own hand until he sees his brother's eyes, wide with surprise and betrayal as they watch his hand. But, Dean doesn't slap his brother. Instead his hand darts to the back of the kid's head, taking hold of a fistful of hair in a punishing grip and jerking him roughly into the apartment. Sam grunts and bends forward to try to relieve the pain in his scalp as he moves in the direction Dean is pulling him. "Get your stupid ass in here and shut your damn mouth!" Dean drags the kid inside, kicks the door shut behind them, and releases his hold on his brother's hair to use both hands to shove him toward Ryan's couch, watching the boy stumble a step before landing sprawled across it, then quickly and nervously scrambling into a sitting position. The kid might have a few inches on Dean now, but he hasn't yet filled out to match his height and he's still easy enough to manhandle.
"I'm only going to say this once, so you listen up." Dean leans over his little brother menacingly and watches with satisfaction as the kid swallows and pulls back as if he's trying to disappear into the back of the couch. "I am not cheating on Cas. I have never cheated on Cas. I've never even fucking thought about cheating on Cas. And I really don't appreciate you assuming that I did. Are we clear on this?"
Sammy nods his head quickly, looking more like the well behaved and respectful child that Cas has trained him to be. "Yes, Dean. I'm sorry. But….." Sammy starts hesitantly.
Dean exhales audibly. "What? What is it?" Dean knows the kid must have questions, and he does want his little brother to be able to talk to him. "You can ask me questions if you want to. What you can't do is yell at me, accuse me of shit you know nothing about, or push me. Do you understand me, Sammy?"
Sammy nods contritely. "Yes, Dean. So, uh, whose apartment is this?" Dean watches his brother look around the room for clues, and sees his eyes land on a framed picture of Ryan's girlfriend on the bookcase on the far wall.
"You remember my friend, Ryan, right?" Dean watches his brother nod slowly. "This is his place. I've been, uh, staying with him for a little bit while Cas and I sort some stuff out."
"But, you slept at home the last two nights?" Sam looks so honestly disappointed that it tugs at Dean's heart.
"Yeah, I did." Dean says. "Cas and I agreed that was the best thing for us to do while you were home. So we wouldn't upset you while we worked our shit out."
"You told me you guys were having issues, but you said it was nothing, Dean." Dean feels a rush of guilt and self-loathing as he takes in Sammy's sad bambi eyes. "I trusted you. But, this doesn't feel like nothing. You moved out of our house."
Dean scoffs lightly in an attempt to downplay the weight of the accusation. He sits down on the couch a couple of feet from his brother. "I haven't moved out, Sammy. It's not like that. I've just been staying with a friend for a few days, while Cas-"
"How long?" Dean looks toward Sam, but the kid is staring straight ahead, not making eye contact. "How long have you been staying here with Ryan?"
Dean sighs, but he can't lie anymore. He's too tired of it, and Sammy knows too much already for there to be any point in it. "About two weeks."
Sammy huffs out a soft exhale and turns toward Dean. "Two weeks. Jesus, Dean. What kind of issues do you guys have that you couldn't work out in two weeks? Were you even trying to work stuff out with Cas before I came home?"
Dean gives his brother a soft, reassuring smile. "Look, I know you're freaked out right now, but you really don't need to be. I'm not going to get into what happened between me and Cas because it's complicated and, honestly, it's private. I will tell you that I wasn't thinking straight and that I said some things to Cas that weren't ok." He debates saying that Cas practically told him to leave that night, to make it clear that they both played a part in Dean leaving the house, but decides that would seem like he's trying to blame Cas and would probably make him look like a dick. "We decided we should take some space. That's it. But, I promise you. We are working through it. Cas asked me to come to the house after my shift so that we can talk. He asked me to come home." Dean feels his voice waiver unsteadily and does his best to reign it back in. "To talk. So, I think that's a really positive thing. I have faith that we will work things out. I know this is asking a lot, but I don't want you to worry about us, ok, Sammy?"
Sam nods slowly. "I can't believe this is happening. That you guys got to this point….I've only been gone two months. How did everything fall apart so quickly?"
Dean raises a hand to Sam's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Everything hasn't fallen apart. We're just having a bad time right now. Couples fight sometimes. Even couples that love each other." Dean aims for comforting reassurance, but he can tell from the look in his brother's eyes that the kid isn't buying it.
"A fight is one of you sleeping in my room because you need space for the night." Sam speaks slowly and carefully, as if explaining something obvious to someone very slow. "This is so much worse than that, Dean." Sam is quiet for a moment, and Dean gives him time to process everything. It's not like Dean can think of anything helpful to say anyway. "I can't even picture it."
"What?" Dean's mind goes to what Sammy's next visit will look like if things between him and Cas really do end, and Sammy has to divide the time he spends with his parents.
"Cas fighting." Oh. "Cas doesn't fight. I mean, I used to say horrible things to him, when we first moved in, and he never fought back or said anything mean to me. Ever. He's not like that."
Dean swallows and decides to be honest. "Cas didn't really fight. It was more like I said some hurtful things to him, and he stood up for himself. He didn't attack me or say anything awful back to me, even though I'm sure I deserved it."
"Didn't you apologize?" Sam asks.
Dean nods. "Yeah. Of course, I did."
"And, he didn't forgive you?" Sam looks incredulous. "Cas always forgives me when I do something shitty, Dean."
"I don't think it's that he doesn't forgive me, so much as he couldn't move past some of the things I said to him." Dean feels a swell of shame at remembering his conversation with Cas, how hurt and shut down the man looked. And, how Cas had told him later that he couldn't unhear the terrible things Dean had said.
"Jesus, Dean, Cas is the best thing that's ever happened to us." Sam studies him closely. "You get that, right?"
Dean nods. "Yeah. Yeah, Sammy, I do. That has become crystal clear to me in the last two weeks. I wish I could take back what I said, but I can't. I do believe we're going to work through it, though. I need you to believe that, too, ok?"
The kid nods obediently, but Dean has no idea what he's actually thinking.
"Now, I really do need to get to work. Are we good here, kiddo?" Dean claps a hand on the kid's knee.
Sam nods again. "Yeah, we are." He pauses. "And, Dean, I'm sorry for how I acted outside. I shouldn't have accused you of cheating on Cas, and I shouldn't have talked to you the way I did, or…..."
"Or shoved me into a door and knocked me on my ass." Dean supplies helpfully.
Sam looks chagrined. "Yeah, that, too. Especially that. I'm really sorry, Dean."
Dean sighs. "I forgive you, Sammy." Dean reaches out a hand and holds the boy's chin, his grip firm but not punitive, as he forces his brother to look at him. "But, don't you ever put your hands on me like that again. What we did just now, you pushing me down, me dragging you inside by your hair, calling each other names. That was dad. That's not us. And, I don't ever want it to be us again. Am I making myself clear?"
Sammy starts to move his head and Dean releases his face to let him nod. "Yes, Dean. I get it, and I'm sorry. I don't want us to be like that either."
"All right, kid. I need to get to work and you need to get back to school." Dean forces a smile that he doesn't really feel and claps his brother on the shoulder. It occurs to Dean that he still has a question for his brother. "Hey, Sammy?"
"Yeah, Dean?"
"How did you find me here, anyway? I'm not sure if Cas even knows where Ryan lives."
"Oh, I uh, I caught up to you at Hawthorne Street. I was a few cars back, so you probably didn't see me, but the Impala kind of sticks out, you know. I saw that you didn't turn on Old Miller's Road, for the fire station, and I guess I got curious. I didn't really plan on following you or anything…...I just kind of did it. I'm sorry, Dean."
"It's all right, Sammy."
Sam nods and inches closer to Dean on the couch, a nervous but expectant look on his face. Dean recognizes what the kid wants and puts an arm around his shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. Sam drops his face to Dean's shoulder, and Dean lifts a hand to the back of the kid's head, gently rubbing the same spot where he had grabbed him by the hair a few minutes ago. He feels a deep surge of self-loathing at having hurt the two people he cares about most. He really hopes this is all still fixable.
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Castiel is sitting on the couch, his laptop on his lap with no files open yet, his foot propped up on the coffee table, an ice pack on his sore ankle. It's nowhere near as painful today as it had been yesterday, but it is a little worse for wear after spending an hour on it at Target. But Castiel is grateful for the extra time with his child. The entire weekend had started to feel like a reprieve from everything that's going on between him and Dean. Having Sam back had brightened his home and made him and Dean happier than he can remember them being since before the boy left for college. He feels himself starting to come down from the pleasure of having his child home, and he thinks about the long Sunday he still has to get through in his now empty house, feeling grateful to at least have the distraction of his work to get him through the day with some semblance of purpose.
Castiel's mind goes to last night, and how comforting it had felt to have Dean fall asleep on his shoulder on the couch, and to be able to touch him, as if things were normal and their entire relationship hadn't shifted into something he could barely recognize. His mind goes back even farther, to the conversation that was the catalyst for Dean moving out. He tries not to let himself linger on how he felt that night, and every day since. So many people in his life had made him feel inadequate or unworthy, starting with his parents, and Michael, and the people from his family's church, who all told him he was evil, filled with a devil that could only be purged through physical suffering, and later, that he was an abomination for kissing another boy. The young people he had lived with in transitional housing and the co-workers at every job he had held in his first years away from his family, who had mocked his social skills and his ignorance about things that felt so basic to them. The other students at college and even some of the people he worked with at the accounting firm, who hadn't been outwardly cruel, but had been repelled by his awkwardness, leaving him out of conversations and social interactions more often than not before he met Anna, making him feel lonely, as though he didn't belong anywhere. And the only man other than Dean that he had ever loved, a man he had let himself believe he could have a future with, who had crushed him when he had left him for someone else, someone he believed he could live a normal life with in a way he couldn't with Castiel. He knows his relationship with Dean isn't perfect, but Dean had always made him feel good about who he was. Dean had never before been on the list of people who had made him feel not good enough on some essential level and unworthy of being loved, and it hurts something awful to mentally add him to that list now. Castiel knows that Dean is young and that young people are more likely to vent their feelings and say things they might regret later, but he's not sure he's ready to be with Dean knowing what the man really thinks of him. The hard part is that he's not really sure he's ready to be without Dean either.
Castiel hears the sound of a key and turns toward the front door, wondering if Dean's shift had been cut, and feeling a spike of nervousness at having to face him when he had expected to have twenty-four hours to get his thoughts together before talking to him. Castiel feels himself instantly lighten as Sam walks through the door instead.
"Sam." Castiel can feel the smile automatically taking over his face. "Did you forget something?'
"Hey, Cas. Um, yeah, uh, my phone charger." He takes in the boy's sad eyes, then watches them widen as he notices Castiel's ankle. "Does your ankle still hurt?"
"It's fine, Sam. It's nothing to worry about." Castiel leans forward and removes the ice pack from his ankle, tossing in on the coffee table and putting his foot on the floor to stand and greet his son.
"I didn't realize it was still sore. We didn't have to go to Target today if it still hurt, Cas." Sam looks more upset that seems reasonable over his ankle and Castiel feels himself becoming concerned.
"It's ok." Castiel tilts his head, studying his son for some indication of what's really bothering the boy. "It would have hurt worse to miss that time with you this morning. My ankle is healing. It's just a little sore."
Sam sniffles softly and closes the distance between them to wrap Castiel up in a tight hug. "I love you, Cas."
It takes Castiel a moment to react, and then he's hugging him back, worried about how emotional Sam seems. "I love you, too, my sweet boy." He raises a hand to cup the back of the boy's head, Sam's face tucked into his neck like a much younger child. "Is everything ok?" He feels Sam nod into his neck before pulling back from the embrace. Castiel reaches out a hand to rub the side of the boy's shoulder through his hoodie. "Did being back home make you feel homesick?" He asks gently.
Sam laughs lightly. "Yeah, I guess you could say that. I just, uh, was thinking about you and about our family and I don't know, I just wanted to tell you that I love you." His expression turns serious. "And that you're just as important to me as Dean is, and that nothing will ever change that. I just want you to know that."
Castiel suspects that he and Dean hadn't been playing pretend as a normal, happy couple as well as they thought they had this weekend. "Thank you, Sam." Castiel tells him seriously. "I love you, too. You are my child, and no one in this world is more important to me than you are. Nothing will ever change that, either." Castiel gives him a small smile and Sam reciprocates, even though Castiel can tell it's forced.
"Thanks, Cas. That, uh, that really means a lot to me. I hope you know that. I should probably get going." Sam says. "I really do have a lot of work to do today. Thanks for a really nice weekend." Sam turns toward the door.
"Sam." The boy turns to look at him. "What about your charger?"
"Oh, yeah. Uh, it's probably in my room." Sam bounds up the stairs and returns a few seconds later with nothing in his hands.
"Did you find it?" Castiel asks.
Sam pats the front pouch of his hoodie. "Yep. It was on my nightstand." Sam approaches Castiel for another hug, but this one is a brief, one-armed, half hug. "All right, well, I'll get out of your hair now. Enjoy the rest of your weekend."
"You, too." Castiel tells him. "Please text me to let me know when you get back to school."
"Yeah. I will. Bye, Cas." Castiel walks his son to the door and watches him jog over to his car, wave one last time, and drive away.
Castiel closes the door with a heavy heart knowing that he had checked Sam's room after the boy had left the first time and the only thing on his nightstand had been a couple of old books and a box of tissues. He hates that they hadn't succeeded at keeping their mess from their child. He feels like he's failing Sam as a parent.
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Dean works a twenty-four hour shift with Cas on his mind for almost all of it. He had been hoping for work to distract him, but it had been a slow shift, and he has had ample time to get himself anxious about his upcoming conversation with Cas. He had lain awake in his cot most of the night, his stomach a tight ball of nerves, thinking through how best to express himself to Cas and beg for a second chance. As he drives to the house, it starts raining heavily and Dean tries not to take the weather as a bad sign. As he turns onto their street, he is so wound up with nerves and fear that he feels like he could vomit. He notes that Cas's car is in front of the house, as if the guy has saved the driveway spot for Dean's larger car, and he sees this small courtesy as a positive thing. Dean pulls in and parks the Impala, turning off the car and pausing to take a few deep centering breaths to calm himself before getting out of the car and running to the front door in the pouring rain. He debates knocking on the door, to show Cas that he respects his boundaries, but decides against it and pulls out his key to let himself in. Cas had asked him to come back home and talk to him, and Dean is taking that to mean he still lives here.
Cas is sitting on the couch, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees, the television off, no laptop, no book, not even a cup of coffee, and it makes Dean feel slightly better to know that Cas is too nervous to concentrate, too. He feels like that must be a good sign, until it hits him that Cas might be worried because he's about to break Dean's heart and Cas is too good of a person for that to not weigh heavily on him. Cas turns to look at him, and Dean feels his stomach drop. Cas looks exhausted, like a man who spent the night mulling over a tough decision and settling on the most difficult course of action. His mouth is a firm line, and all Dean can see is the determination to see the situation through, no matter how ugly it gets. Dean kind of wants to cry.
"Dean-"
"Cas, no." Dean feels pathetic, but he doesn't care. He'll beg if that's what it takes. "Please don't break up with me, Cas. Please. I'm so sorry." He hears his voice crack and he feels a wave of shame. He feels a drop of rain trickle from his hairline down the side of his face. He feels young and stupid. He hates himself.
Cas rises to his feet. Dean wants to go to him, but he feels frozen to his spot in front of the door. "Dean, come here please." Dean shakes his head from side to side wordlessly. He feels tears welling in his eyes and doesn't trust himself to speak without breaking down. He can't believe this is really happening. "I'm not breaking up with you, sweetheart." He looks at Cas through damp eyes, not quite letting himself believe it. He sees kindness in Cas's eyes, a soft turning up of the corners of his lips, and he lets himself exhale in relief. "We have a lot to talk about, but I wanted to get that out of the way first. I don't want you to worry about that."
Dean nods. "Thank you."
Cas huffs out a soft breath. "You don't need to thank me. Ending things between us would hurt me as much as it would you. I have done a lot of thinking since you left, Dean, and I have realized that we're well past the point where I can imagine my life without you in it."
"Cas." The word is a choked whisper, containing all the love and gratitude and emotion Dean holds for the man standing in front of him. Cas takes a step toward him and Dean rushes forward, closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around Cas, holding on for dear life. He feels Cas's arms close around his back and he soaks up the feeling of being held by the man he loves. He buries his face in Cas's shoulder and breathes in his familiar scent. He feels a tear streak down his face, but is too relieved to feel embarrassed. After a few moments he feels Cas pat his back, but he can't let go. Cas pats his back again, and he knows he should pull back. He's here to talk and sort things out, make any amends he can for the things he said and the hurt he caused. He feels Cas's arm slide down his back and then Cas's hand gently pats his ass through his uniform pants. He huffs out a laugh, thick with emotion and pulls back to look at Cas.
Cas raises one eyebrow and gives him a soft smile. "I thought that might get your attention."
Dean feels his cheeks warm and wonders if he's blushing. "I'm sorry. I know we need to talk. I just….." Dean feels himself starting to tear up again. "I'm just so relieved that you're not breaking up with me. I'm so grateful that you're keeping me, Cas. You have no idea. And, I'm so sorry, for everything. I was a complete ass. I know that, and I'm sorry. And, I get that I deserve whatever you want to say to me or do to me. You can totally kick my ass if you want. You can make me sleep on the floor tonight if you don't want me in your bed. Whatever you want, I'll take it. I'm just so glad I still have you."
Cas is frowning at him. "I don't want to kick your ass, sweetheart. I never want to do that. And, we shared a bed this weekend. Why would you think I'd want to do anything else tonight?" He lifts a hand and runs it through Dean's wet hair.
"I don't know." Dean feels a wave of shame. "Maybe because I deserve it."
Cas lowers his hand from Dean's head and rests his palm gently on Dean's cheek, and Dean feels his body's familiar response of leaning into Cas's touch. "I have no desire to punish you, Dean." Dean feels a warm swell of gratitude for the love and forgiveness he sees in Cas's eyes. "And, we do need to talk. But, I'm thinking we should save that for a little later." Cas removes his hand from Dean's cheek and plucks at the material of Dean's tee shirt with his thumb and forefinger, pulling the fabric slightly off Dean's shoulder and releasing it. "First I think we should get you out of these wet clothes before you get sick. What do you think?" Cas leans in and presses his lips against Dean's. The kiss is brief, barely more than chaste, and Dean has to focus to keep himself from chasing Cas's mouth when the man pulls away.
"Yeah." Dean feels almost breathless. At the kiss, and the prospect of more, but mostly at his own good fortune for being shown love and kindness and mercy that he's pretty sure he doesn't deserve. But, he isn't surprised. Cas has been giving him more than he deserves for a long time. "Getting out of my wet clothes sounds amazing."
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Almost an hour later, Dean is lying on his side, naked in their bed, his head resting on Cas's bare chest, a sheet covering them up to their waists. Dean feels relaxed and sated from some of the gentlest and most loving sex he can remember. Cas has one hand on Dean's head, slowly massaging his scalp and carding his fingers through his hair. Dean's eyes are closed and he feels like he could fall asleep under Cas's soothing ministrations.
"Are you ready to talk now, sweetheart?" Dean opens his eyes at the sound of Cas's voice. He's been enjoying the reprieve, but he knows there's no sense in delaying this any longer. Cas deserves the chance to tell him off if he wants to, and Dean doesn't want it hanging over his head any longer. He's ready to take his licks and get it over with.
Dean nods his head against Cas's chest. "Yeah, Cas. I'm ready." He's very comfortable where he is, but he wants to give Cas the respect of eye contact so he reluctantly lifts his head from Cas's chest and repositions himself so that his head is resting on his own pillow. Cas turns on his side to face Dean, mirroring his positioning. Dean suddenly feels vulnerable and he appreciates the contact when Cas slides his hand under the sheet and rests a warm palm on his hip. "I just want to start by saying that I'm so sorry. That I know I didn't sound like it the other day, but I love you, Cas, just the way you are. And, I'm sorry for how I acted and what I said. And, I'm so incredibly sorry that I hurt you."
"I know you're sorry and it isn't my intention to shame you or make you feel guilty. I hope you believe me when I tell you that." Cas's expression is earnest. It's the look he gets when he's having a teachable moment with Sam, kind, loving and firm. Dean wouldn't believe anyone else saying the same thing, but he does believe Cas.
Dean nods his head. "I do."
"But, I don't think it would be to the benefit of our relationship to not address the things that came up and the feelings you shared with me the night you left." There's no real accusation in Cas's tone, but Dean feels his stomach turn at the night you left just the same.
"I'm sorry, Cas, really for dumping all that on you." Dean studies Cas's face for traces of residual anger, but finds none. "I was…..I dunno, just in this really bad headspace. I wasn't…...happy, I guess, but it wasn't you. It was all me. I should have just kept my stupid mouth shut and worked out my own shit. I know I hurt you and I'm so sorry for that. That's not something I ever want to do."
"I forgive you, sweetheart." Cas pauses, and even after having Cas welcome him home with open arms and make love to him like he's the most precious thing in the world, Dean still feels himself tense as he waits for the other shoe to drop. "But, I spent a lot of time thinking over that conversation in the last couple of weeks, and I'm concerned that maybe you're not as happy in this relationship as I thought you were, or as I would like you to be."
"I am happy in this relationship, Cas." Dean's tone is pleading. He needs Cas to believe him. "Almost losing you showed me just how happy I am with you." So what if Cas doesn't want to marry him. It's ok. Dean can live perfectly happily with what he has. Cas is a kind and compassionate person who makes him feel more loved than he's ever felt in his life. Who turns him on in ways he hadn't previously thought possible. Who loves his brother enough to adopt him and raise him. It's enough. It's more than enough. It's more than most people ever get, and Dean knows it's much more than he ever expected to have.
"Sweetheart, you compared being with me to living with your father." Cas's eyes are pure kindness and concern. If the memory brings up any hurt or anger for him, Dean can't see it. "I know enough about your relationship with that man to understand that that's not a flattering comparison. It's also not a comparison that I feel I deserve. You described being with me as oppressive. That worries me."
"I'm sorry…...I don't really think that, Cas…" Dean wants to explain himself, but doesn't know how to start. It was such a shitty thing to say. "I shouldn't have said that. I don't think it's oppressive being with you. It's not like it was with my dad, not at all. I never should have compared the two of you. You're nothing like him. I think I just….I don't know. I know this is a shitty excuse, but ever since Sammy left for college, I've just been in this weird place, where I kind of feel like my life is closing in on me."
Cas frowns. "What do you mean when you say that, Dean? That your life is closing in on you."
"I'm not really sure. It's just." Dean sighs. "The kid I spent my entire life raising is gone, and I'm feeling a little…...lost, I guess. I'm only twenty-four and I feel like we already have an empty nest. And, most parents, when they're kids leave home, they can remember what their life was like before they had kids, the person they were before they were a parent. But, I don't have that. Sammy has been the main focus of my life since I was six years old." Dean tamps down the emotions he feels rising, wanting to explain himself to Cas without Cas feeling that he needs to comfort him. "And, he left."
"Sweetheart." Cas's voice is soft and gentle. "Sam was able to go away to school and feel safe leaving his family because of how well you have made him feel supported and loved over the years. His leaving home feels as natural to him as it would to most people his age, because you have given him a stable and happy home. You realize that, don't you? What an amazing gift you've given him?"
Dean lowers his gaze for a moment and shrugs the shoulder he isn't lying on, unable to validate what Cas is saying about him. He looks back up at Cas. "Sometimes when I think about Sammy leaving, I get this feeling like the best and most important part of my life is already over, and it just…" Dean sighs. "It makes me feel kind of empty, like I'm grieving what I had with him. And I know that's stupid, because he's still in my life, and he always will be. But, the years we lived here, with you and me raising him together…...finally being able to give him the life he always should have had instead of making do with the way my dad made us live…...this has been the happiest time of my life, Cas. And, it feels like it's over now, and…...I don't know." Dean shrugs again. "It just feels like my whole world changed and it all feels off somehow, and I think I started feeling stifled, and I don't know, I convinced myself that how I felt was your fault somehow, or because of something between us. But that was wrong. I get that. You didn't do anything wrong. You've only made my life better."
Dean sees the sympathy in Cas's eyes and it makes him feel stupid for being, even temporarily, unable to recognize the good thing he has with Cas. "I think those are all natural feelings, sweetheart. I have them, too."
"Yeah?" Dean asks.
"Of course. Raising Sam has been the best and most important thing I've ever done, too, and I also felt grief when he left for school. I miss seeing him everyday. You and Sam are the only two people I have ever felt I could really be myself around, or hug anytime I wanted to, and it's hard to have him gone. I feel that way and I only had the privilege of raising him for the last three years. Aside from the two summers Sam spent at basketball camp, you've seen him every day of his life. I think it makes sense that his leaving for college would be a very difficult and painful transition for you."
"I should be able to handle it better. I shouldn't have gotten myself all worked up and taken all my shit out on you. I am so sorry for that."
Cas leans forward and kisses Dean's forward. There's nothing sexual about it. "You have been forgiven, sweetheart. When I asked you to come home, I knew I needed to forgive you for everything you said that night in order for things to work between us. And, I have. You don't need to keep apologizing. I just want us to talk things through and make sure this relationship still works for us."
"This relationship still works for me, Cas." Dean says. "All I wanted every night that I was away was to be back here, with you, like this. I think I've gotten too used to having you take care of me. You always make everything better for me, and when you couldn't make me feel better about Sammy leaving, I held it against you and took it out on you. It was wrong."
Cas's eyes are warm, and Dean is so grateful for the love he finds there. "Even though Sam is away at college, I don't think our function as his parents is over just yet. We both had to be very self-sufficient by the time we were Sam's age, but I know that I would have loved to have had a parent to lean on during my college years. Sam hasn't stopped needing us just because he's away at school. We're still his parents and we always will be. We might not get to see him and parent him on a daily basis any more, but I think that will serve to make the time we do spend with him, like this weekend, that much more special. And this transition in our lives doesn't have to be all bad. Have you thought about all the freedom you have now that Sam is at school?"
"I've tried to think about that, when I get really down about Sam leaving. I try to tell myself that I'm still young and that I have all this freedom now, freedom like I've never had before in my life. But then I talk to a friend or someone around my age from work, and I'm not doing any of the stuff they are, either. Like I can't go out with the guys from the warehouse as much any more because I'm usually working overnights on the weekends. And, Kenny and his wife are buying a house." Dean doesn't dare bring up that Steph is planning her wedding, and constantly reading through wedding websites while they wait for calls and starting conversations with anyone at the fire station who will listen, which is often just Dean, about her wedding plans. He doesn't want to show his hand completely. If Cas doesn't want to marry him, it's fine. He can handle things just going on as they have been. "And he's been so excited about that, and he's always talking about the places they're looking at and the different features and neighborhoods and everything, and I know it's not like I have the money to buy a house anyway, but I think about how you already have one, and how owning my own home is an experience I'll never get to have. How the neighborhood and the house where I'm going to live, maybe for the rest of my life, are already set. I started getting this panic that it felt like everything in my life was already set. And, I know I sound stupid because it's not about the house or the neighborhood, but sometimes it feels like I have less options than other people my age because you were already so established when I met you. I've never chosen where to live on my own the way most of my friends have. I didn't go away to college. I've never even picked out my own apartment or paid my own rent. I went straight from living in places that my dad paid for and controlled to living in your house. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely a real adult. And-." Dean feels a spike of guilt at how horribly selfish and ungrateful he must sound. "I feel like this is coming out wrong. I'm so grateful that you've been willing to share your home with me and Sammy. I know that your job and your house were two big reasons that I got to keep him with me after my dad died, and I will be forever grateful that you asked us to move in here. And, I know that if you made me pay half for stuff around here, instead of having us pay based on what we make, I would never have been able to work just one job and be around for Sammy like I was. And, I definitely wouldn't have been able to go back to school or study to become a firefighter. I will forever be grateful for all of that, so I don't want to sound like an asshole…..."
"You don't sound like an asshole." Cas's voice is soft, with no trace of rebuke. "I wish you had talked to me about how you were feeling, Dean. I never want you to feel controlled by me, or our situation, the way you felt with your father. I don't think I should have more control over our home or how we run our lives just because I make more money than you do. I hope you know that."
Dean nods. "I do, Cas. And, it's not like I felt you were trying to control everything…...it's more like sometimes I feel like I don't have as much right to have an opinion about stuff because you really support us. It's like the feeling I get of needing to go along with what you want because I'm insecure about how much less money I make is what was oppressive. It's like sometimes I feel the way I did around my dad, like you're the real adult who's in charge and I'm like this young, stupid kid that you support. But, that feeling is on me. It wasn't anything you were doing. And, I never should have taken the way I was feeling out on you the way I did."
Cas frowns. "I don't see you as a young, stupid kid, Dean. I also don't see you as someone I support just because I pay more of our expenses. I see us as supporting each other and working together to take care of our family."
"That's very…..gracious of you, Cas."
"It's not gracious. It's true. I see us as equals, Dean. I couldn't be with you if I didn't. And, what we do together, in bed or in your car, doesn't mean that I don't. I want to make sure you understand that. I get something of value out of the things we do that I'm not sure I can really explain, but I know it's linked to healing some of the painful moments from my childhood. I had thought it was the same for you. I do believe I would still be interested in what we do even if we were the same age and had similar earnings, so long as that type of play still fit both our personalities and needs. But, if it's something that makes you feel taken advantage of, or powerless, or if you feel that you're being pressured to do something that you don't enjoy, we don't need to do it anymore."
"I like the stuff we do, Cas. All of it. Sex like we just had now, but also the other stuff. The spanking. The thermometer. You telling me what a naughty little boy I am." Dean hopes he isn't blushing, but he needs Cas to understand how he feels about this because the idea of going the rest of his life without it sucks. "I get stuff out of it, too. I really like the feeling of being forgiven for some made up bad behavior. I like when you pretend to punish me, but you still treat me gently, and with kindness. I get so much out of that. It's helped me to get through some of the shit I dealt with from my dad when I was a kid. Like I think about how much better I would have turned out if my dad had treated me the way you do when I was a kid, like if he'd really had my best interest at heart and disciplined me the way you do when we play. And, I don't feel like you pressure me or take advantage of me. Ever. I'm sorry I said what I did and that I threw that stuff in your face. I think I was just putting how I feft on you, because sometimes I do feel kind of…...ashamed, I guess, that I like the stuff we do so much, or maybe that I'm always the one on the receiving end of the spanking and everything. And, I think that I wouldn't be able to get into it the way I do, and really let go and get everything I do out of it, if we were the same age. If I didn't see you as more of a grown-up or more together than me. If I was dating a guy my own age who had his shit at the same piss-poor level of togetherness that I do, I wouldn't want him putting me over his knee and beating my ass. I think it would be harder to let myself be as vulnerable in that situation. I can't really explain why, but I know I wouldn't. It would feel…..weird. So, I guess, maybe I'm the one who doesn't really see us as equals."
"Then, I think we should work on that, because we are equals, sweetheart. And, I want you to feel like this is our home and that you have an equal say about everything in our lives. After how I grew up, having my family throw me out, and staying in homeless shelters and transitional housing for years, I understand wanting to have a home that no one can take away from you. I remember when I first bought this house and I moved in with very little in the way of possessions. I stood in the empty living room and cried as I thought about how I finally had a home that no one could make me leave. I felt…...safe, and secure, and peaceful for the first time. And, as much as I want you to feel that way here, it might not be realistic, because it is legally my house, and when things went badly between us as they did two weeks ago, you were the one who felt you had to leave. If there's anything we can do to make you feel more secure here, or if you want to sell this house so that we can buy a home together that belongs to both of us, equally, we could do that. Nothing is set in stone. You do have options and I want you to be happy and feel safe."
Dean can feel the smile forming on his face, and when he speaks there's laughter in his voice. "Cas."
"What, sweetheart?" Cas furrows his brow, looking genuinely confused at what Dean finds funny.
"I'm in the dog house, here." Dean grins. "You're supposed to be telling me what a jerk I am and maybe smacking me around, not offering to do stuff like selling your house to make me feel safe."
Cas's serious expression cracks into a wide smile, the skin around his eyes crinkling, and Dean feels his own grin intensify in return. "Ah, I see. My mistake." Cas's tone is playful. "I always seem to get these things wrong. I'll remember to stick to verbal and physical abuse going forward."
Dean huffs out a laugh. "That's better." Dean takes in the happiness in Cas's eyes, and for about the millionth time since sitting down in the booth with him at the diner, wonders how someone like him got this lucky. "You are such a good guy, Cas."
"Thank you, sweetheart. But, I'm not saying this so that I can sound like a good guy. It's a real offer." Cas's expression is serious now. "I want you to know that, and consider it. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life in a house that someone else owns, where I felt like I could be asked to leave for any reason. I want you to feel the same sense of security in our home that I feel here."
"It's so kind of you to offer, Cas. But, we raised Sammy here. It's the only home he's ever had, and I don't want to pull it out from under him just because I'm having some kind of meltdown. I know how much this house means to you, too, and it's a really nice house."
Cas nods. "This house does mean a lot to me. It's where you and Sam and I became a family. It's where I felt loved and part of a real family for the first time in my life. It's where I got everything I ever wanted."
Dean smiles and puts his face as close as he can get to Cas without touching. "Me too." He whispers into Cas's mouth before pressing their lips together with a kiss.
They end up staying awake for hours, talking, touching and holding each other. They talk about what Dean said about Cas's social abilities holding him back from a normal life. Dean tears up as he apologizes, telling Cas that he was stupid for saying that, that his social life isn't Cas's responsibility, and that he wouldn't trade being with Cas for anything. He tells Cas that he kind of feels like a hypocrite for never having joined Cas in any of his community service. They decide to try out a new way of supporting each other's interest, with Cas agreeing to join Dean out with his friends once a month while Dean agrees to volunteer at the animal shelter with Cas. They talk about Sam and how relieved they are to be able to tell him that everything's ok between them. Cas gets emotional as he tells Dean about Sam coming back to the house to hug him and tell him he loves him. He tells Dean how much he loves Sam, how grateful he is that Dean has shared his little brother with him, and how Dean letting him help raise Sam and become his parent has been the greatest gift he could imagine anyone giving him. Cas's eyes water when Dean shares that Sam told him he sees Cas as more of his dad and Dean as more of his brother. Dean tells Cas about what happened with Sammy at Ryan's apartment, how the kid had had Cas's back, letting Dean have it when he thought he was cheating on Cas. Cas isn't happy to hear about Sam shoving Dean, and he's even less happy to hear about the hair pulling Dean did in return. Dean is ready to accept a scolding as due punishment for losing it on his brother. He knows that the way he retaliated with Sam is totally unacceptable and he understands that it will be triggering for Cas, but Cas surprises him with understanding instead. Cas tells him that everyone makes mistakes, that learning from what happened and making up with Sam afterwards, making sure the boy left Ryan's home feeling loved and supported, is what matters. Dean doesn't learn until later that week when he's on the phone with Sam that Cas calls the boy the next day and sternly reprimands him for getting physical with Dean, telling Sam that violence of any kind will never be acceptable in their family. It gives Dean a warm cozy feeling when Sam sheepishly tells him about Cas chewing him out. It's good to know that Cas still has his back, even with Sam.
They are lying in bed face to face, cuddling, Cas gently stroking Dean's hair, Dean's hand resting on Cas's side, his leg draped over Cas's thigh.
"We should probably get at least a few hours of sleep tonight." Cas's voice is soft, soothing, and Dean does feel like he could fall asleep now. There's a small pit of tension in his stomach telling him he's being a coward for not bringing up what's bothering him about Cas not wanting to marry him, but he's afraid of ruining the intimacy and reconnection he's experiencing with Cas. Dean nods his head and when he meets Cas's eye, his boyfriend is studying him closely. "Is there something else we should talk about, sweetheart?"
"Uh, no, I'm good, Cas. And, you need to work in the morning. I know that…...so….." Dean does feel a little guilty that Cas has a full day tomorrow while Dean is off shift. He missed his chance. And, getting married isn't a big deal anyway. Dean can live without it. What he has with Cas is more than enough.
"Dean." Cas's voice is still gentle, but now carries an edge of firmness. "If there's something else you want to talk about, I am happy to do it now. I can manage through a workday tired if I need to. Making sure you're ok is more important to me."
Dean feels his eyes drop from Cas's. He knows it's now or never and he can't think of a time when he's going to feel safer bringing it up. He feels Cas's hand leave his head and take hold of him, intertwining their fingers. "Dean, sweetheart, can you tell me what you're thinking?" Cas rubs his thumb gently across the back of Dean's hand.
Dean takes a deep breath. He wants to look at Cas, but isn't sure he can. He shifts around, lowering his head to rest it on Cas's chest.
Cas puts the hand not holding Dean's onto his head and Dean feels him start to gently massage his scalp. "What's so bad that you can't even look at me?" Cas's tone is comforting and gently curious, free of any accusation.
Dean feels a swell of shame, that maybe he wants more than he deserves. He doesn't think he can make himself ask. "It's nothing, Cas." Dean talks into the man's chest.
Dean feels Cas's hand stroke his head lovingly and he suddenly feels like he could cry. "It doesn't feel like nothing." Dean tries to make himself say something. He doesn't want to chicken out, but he isn't sure how to bring this up gracefully.
"It's stupid." Dean's voice is barely a whisper. He feels pathetic, like a child that Cas needs to treat with kid gloves.
"Do you think you can tell me anyway, sweetheart?" Cas asks. "I promise I won't think anything that matters to you is stupid." Cas pauses, but Dean doesn't speak. "I think what we've just been through has made it very clear that keeping our feelings bottled up isn't going to work. I would really like to understand what you're feeling so that we can work together to resolve whatever it is that's bothering you."
Dean exhales slowly. It's now or never. He hears his father's voice in his head, telling him to be a man. "Why don't you want to marry me?" Dean is embarrassed by the pain and need in his own voice. Cas's hand stills on his head and Dean instantly regrets the question. Why does he always have to ruin everything? Cas has been so good to him. Why can't he just be grateful for what he has without asking for more? Now the rest of their lives, they'll always be this awkwardness between them because Dean voiced a need that Cas can't meet. Cas gently extricates his hand from Dean's, and Dean feels like crying.
Then Dean feels Cas's hands on his shoulder, gently tugging him up. "Come up here, please, sweetheart. I want to see you." Dean braces himself to have his heart broken as he slowly cooperates with Cas, lifting his head off Cas's chest and repositioning himself next to Cas, his head on his own pillow, his face about a foot from Cas's. He sees the kindness in his boyfriend's eyes, the gentle smile on the man's face. He doesn't look like a guy who's about to eviscerate Dean. "I do want to marry you, Dean. Very much. I have for a long time. I can't think of a better way to spend the rest of my life than being married to you."
Dean blinks back the dampness in his eyes, wanting to believe. "But, you never said anything. You never asked me."
"You're right. I didn't." Cas looks contrite. "And that was wrong of me. Please trust me that if I knew this was weighing on you, I would have asked you to marry me years ago."
"Why didn't you?" Dean asks. "I kind of thought you might ask me when we adopted Sammy."
"I thought about it at that time, too." Cas takes a deep breath. "I don't have a good excuse for not asking you. I guess I was just scared."
"Of me?" Dean smiles through wet eyes. "I've been in love with you since the night we met. Did you honestly think there was any chance I'd say no?"
Cas's expression is solemn and it makes Dean feel ridiculous for having waited so long and been so scared to bring this up. Cas always takes his concerns seriously and responds to Dean's every word or feeling with respect. "There was always that possibility, of course. But, I was more concerned with you saying yes because you felt like you had to, to make me happy."
Dean furrows his brow in question. He wants to assure Cas that that wouldn't have been the case, but he doesn't feel like he has a leg to stand on after admitting that he sometimes doesn't feel like he should have as much say in their relationship because Cas provides more of their financial support. He settles for. "I would have said yes to make us both happy."
Cas gives him a small smile. "You were so young when we met, sweetheart. Just twenty-one. I tried to be very cognizant of how young you were and not pressure you into anything. I did my best to follow your lead and allow you the space to move our relationship forward when you were ready. I waited for you to initiate our first kiss, our first real make out session, our first blow job, the first time we had sex. I waited until you had real need of housing for you and Sam before I asked you to move in with me."
"Hmmm….." Dean can remember initiating most of those firsts, assuming at the time that he was just a hornier guy than Cas. "That was very gentlemanly of you." He feels an expectant smile forming on his face at where this conversation might be heading, if only he can work up the nerve. "But, I'm not so young anymore."
"I know." Cas says, his expression earnest. "I think I just got into the habit of letting you be the one to lead when it comes to moving our relationship along, and I think I was waiting for the same thing to happen regarding marriage. Not necessarily for you to be the one to propose to me, but for you to bring it up in some way or drop some kind of hint that would let me know you were thinking about it. The last thing I would have wanted was for you to marry me out of some sense of obligation for what I've done for you and then have you regret it later."
"I would never have regretted being with you, or marrying you. Not if you asked me." Dean debates how much he wants to share. "Ever since Sammy's adoption, when you committed to him, legally and permanently, without wanting to get married and do the same with me….I started having doubts about whether you saw us as something permanent or if you wanted to cover your bases and have rights to Sammy in case you and me didn't make it."
Cas's expression melts into one of compassion and Dean feels dumb for not having discussed this with him sooner. "I'm so sorry I ever made you worry about that, or feel like there could be a time when I wouldn't love you and want you. I should have been braver. I should have talked to you about this when we adopted Sam. Perhaps we could have all become family at the same time."
"I would have loved that." Dean tries to keep the raw hurt from that time out of his voice, not wanting to make Cas feel guilty, but he can hear his failure clearly. "It wasn't just on you, though. I could have said something, too. I could have spoken up about how I felt."
"So, where does that leave us?" Cas asks. "Have I missed my chance to propose to you?"
"Yeah." Dean keeps his voice steady, only allowing a trace of playfulness. "I think you have." Dean watches Cas's brow furrow in question, and Dean feels his pulse quicken with nerves. "Cas, I love you like crazy. You're right up there with Sammy as one of the two best things that have ever happened to me. I was completely miserable the past two weeks without you. Would you make me the luckiest bastard on earth and marry me?"
Dean watches a wide grin stretch across Cas's face, and feels a matching grin form on his own. "Yes, Dean. I'll marry you." Dean shifts forward, closing the gap between them and pressing his mouth to Cas's, feeling luckier than he has any right to.