hi! i haven't been on ff . net in ages, but i thought might as well cross post heh

this was mainly because im a sucker for yunmeng shuangjie reconciliation and fics with yanli in it! i hope you enjoy! 3

(the title is inspired by the song 'brother' by kodaline (specifically these lines: 'if you were drowned at sea / I would give you my lungs so you could breathe')

jiang cheng's character song 'hen bie' which can be translated as 'hatred of parting'

and jiang yanli's name 'yanli' that can be translated as 'to be sick of departure'

and they were MUSHED to create the title :D )

From a young age, Jiang Cheng knew love was not for him. Before even his earliest memories, it was taken as indisputable truth: that love came with an endless list of rules and conditions and expectations; no matter how hard he tried, he would — he could never fill. It was bitter and harsh to digest but it wasn't a lie, and he could not stand for self-imposed ignorance — no matter how sweetly given, not anymore. Throughout his childhood, it was a given that his mother was harsh but cared and his father was cold and seemingly uncaring, both as unaffectionate as the other.

Then, he came, Wei Wuxian, or at the time, Wei Ying.

It was no surprise that his father continued to be non-communicative with him but for Wei Ying? His father's love and attention were almost fixated on him, showering him with easy affection whenever he pleased; being held, defending anyone who spoke against Wei Wuxian, indulging his every whim. At the same time, his father ignored Jiang Cheng. There were no head pats for him, no hugs, he barely even smiled in his direction. Everything he thought his father was came crashing down.

Logically, he understood Wei Ying had to be treated carefully, he had been orphaned and on the streets for years (everything Jiang Cheng had, Wei Ying didn't) — but his chest twisted at the casual, nonchalant love shared and he didn't know why. Was he resenting his father or Wei Ying? His stomach lurched at the idea of both: how could he? His duty was to be filial, always. And even now, with so many years past, how could Jiang Cheng even begin to resent him? Sixteen years, attempting time and time again to hate Wei Wuxian, the impossible. Hating himself for failing such an easy task and finally at that Yunping temple, finding out that all of his efforts were for nought, it ached.

But yes, his father's love for Wei Wuxian, a child not his own (though there were constant rumours) made sense — it was understandable. Once you let yourself know Wei Wuxian, he was so easy to love. He drew people to him like moths to a flame. (Those who came too close were bound to be burned.)

Jiang Cheng was hard to love. His thorny exterior hid an even thornier interior. He could count on one hand the number of people who love him — no, who's he trying to kid? On a single finger — Jin Ling, his A-Ling. His nephew. His beloved Jiejie's son. The boy (almost a man) who Jiang Cheng loved so fiercely, with all his being, that he could barely form the words. His only forms of expressions were empty threats showing his love. (Jin Ling must, he must, he must know he is loved; that he is cherished. There could be no doubts.)

Though Jiang Cheng knows only one who continues to love him, with the last remaining cracked parts of his heart, he loves his sect unconditionally (if they didn't love him back, it was of no great matter — he loves them regardless). He has done everything, sacrificed everything, so his sect would flourish and live, and if that weren't love? What else could it be?

At the beginning of those sixteen years, Jin Ling and his sect were the only reasons he hadn't swallowed a vial of poison to finally cease. (He's always aware of exactly where he could find it.) But now, they were both able to survive, with no true need of him, and he could finally rest. Over the years, he has fulfilled his first promise as Jiang-zongzhu to never let Yunmeng Jiang collapse (and burn) again — with or without a Sect Leader.

His sacrifices for the Jiang sect were vast and plentiful and he can't regret them. His reputation; his free time; his little hobbies; his relationships, that were half self-sabotaged anyway; and one of the worst sacrifice — Wei Wuxian and his love.

When Jiang Cheng was young and foolhardy, to his very bones (to his core) he knew Wei Wuxian loved him and in return, he loved him unreservedly. They gave up their golden cores for each other, and there, he thinks, you could pinpoint the time things shifted, things changed. When did Wei Wuxian stop loving him? Did transplanting his core into Jiang Cheng displace all Wei Wuxian's love? He must have regretted it in the blink of an eye. When Wen Zhuliu had crushed his core, the fiery warmth from the torture had come seeping out, a cold void echoing through his meridians. Even then, Jiang Cheng hadn't regretted it — with a harsh certainty, he was conscious that if Wei Wuxian were here, he would be dead already. But as everyone said, they were different, and in different circumstances. It would be natural to want it back especially after he realised how little Jiang Cheng was worth.

Maybe… maybe, Wei Wuxian hadn't given up then. He was always so righteous, doing whatever he thought was right. When Jiang Cheng prioritised his (it was theirs, Wei Wuxian had promised—) fledgeling sect over the Wen remnants, it only emphasised how conditional love was, and yet Jiang Cheng couldn't blame him. At the Siege of the Burial Mounds, he had ordered his disciples to capture only. In the end, practically just a handful remained. Too little and too late.

A small, tiny part of him still wanted to believe that Wei Wuxian still cared for him, still loved h— He refused to entertain the thought. He made it crystal clear. He remembered Wei Wuxian's words at Lotus Pier, "Let's be brothers in our next life." He remembered Wei Wuxian's words at the temple, "Really, let's forget everything from that previous life. I've put it all behind me." It was certain that Wei Wuxian wanted nothing to do with him, and Jiang Cheng couldn't bring himself to try and only get rejected.

At the very least, Wei Wuxian looked after Jin Ling on night-hunts. He knew because Jin Ling would write to him every single time and 'sneakily' mention Wei Wuxian was also there. He'd also 'offhandedly' ask if Jiang Cheng wanted to know how Wei Wuxian was doing or if he'd like to come along the next time. Nice try, A-Ling. But, the thought of Wei Wuxian protecting Jin Ling soothed a small piece of him. Good, that's Jin Ling sorted.

Looking back down, the documents spread out on the table, brought him back to himself. These pages, filled with handwriting he found more familiar than his own. He could pinpoint the moments where Wei Wuxian had switched hands to rest the other — one hand somewhat neater than the other — and a habit the calligraphy teachers had constantly berated him over. The shorthand Wei Wuxian had come up with during their childhood when their seats had been moved apart and communications had to be diminished to small notes flicked over heads. How could Wei Wuxian still be so embedded in his heart even now, still be constantly thought of? All this knowledge he should've forgotten still there, hiding, coming out at the most minimal of ideas. Years ago, he would felt anger: how dare Jiang Cheng remember his br— Wei Wuxian fondly when he betrayed them all? Can't he renounce him in return? (Why can't he hate him?)

He absently traced the almost illegible scrawls, Zidian sparking at his wrist. His anger (his grief) overshadowed by the knowledge of what he was about to do — the sheer hypocrisy of his actions.

How many years had he spent hunting demonic cultivators? He had thought, why would Wei Wuxian let go if he didn't know he was going to survive? (Now, it was clear.) The demonic cultivators who had murdered entire families, who had sacrificed their children to increase their powers — those he killed easily, no need to test Zidian against them. Some demonic cultivators he'd found almost by chance, the ones who used demonic cultivation to protect a younger sibling or family — he had made them swear never to cultivate that way again, too conscious of how corrupting it was; offering to take them to Lotus Pier, where they could become a disciple, staff or stay at the orphanage. (In this, he wouldn't force their choice.) Almost all returned to Lotus Pier with him.

(From a certain point of view, the rumour of demonic cultivators never leaving Lotus Pier was true)

When she wakes up, A-Jie will be a better Sect Leader than him. Besides, before him, she was the sect heir — if her golden core wasn't under the constant strain of her sickly body, Jiang Cheng may not have became the heir. She'll receive his body with his trained strength and his and Wei Wuxian's nurtured core, and no one could come against her, nothing would be able to defeat her — her strength of will has always been so strong, cracking only with Jin Zixuan's death.

He desperately hopes A-Jie will be happy with his body, she deserves the best — he's not entirely sure that his body is the 'best' but he wouldn't ask another to do this. A strong body is better than nothing, right? Hopefully (maybe even childishly so), she won't be disgusted or horrified by his body. Jiang Cheng has always hated that scar — so large and so ugly. A sign of his devotion, and in the end, pointless.

He has already written orders to his second-in-command, the morning after he creates the ritual, he will receive it: it outlines his commands to follow A-Jie in what she asks, for example, if she doesn't wish to become Sect Leader, she can abdicate — his heir has been picked out for years either way. His sect is loyal to Yunmeng Jiang and he knows it will be left in good hands. If he had a last request of his Jie, it would be to check-in for Jin Ling. Jiang Cheng knows that Jin Ling would appreciate knowing his mother; as a child, he was always hungry for stories — Jiang Cheng had managed a few stories through tear-filled eyes in the dead of night — and A-Ling would love his mother. He'd finally get his 'maternal education' if it wasn't too late.

He's still hesitant on the matter of Wei Wuxian. He wants him to react badly, messily — crying, yelling, anything to show he cared even a little about Jiang Cheng. But. Wei Wuxian no longer cares. His actions and words have all shown that he's washed his hands clean of the Yunmeng Jiang sect; so far he's kept to it: avoiding Lotus Pier, visiting a grand total of once after Yunping — and only because he passed out. Then he was off again, practically the second he woke up. He didn't avoid Jin Ling though — which was good, Jiang Cheng approved. It showed that Wei Wuxian still loved A-Jie, and once again, good. So, Wei Wuxian will probably, hopefully, react happily to seeing A-Jie again. And that's all he dares ask for.

He wanted his family to be happy and alive and if this is what it took, that was fine! He'd sacrificed himself before and it failed miserably, only elongating his bro— Wei Wuxian's death by a mere few years. And at the expense of Wei Wuxian's golden core. Knowing that this time, his meagre sacrifice would work; his family would be alive and safe and happy, he was determined.

"Zongzhu? It's getting late…" The voice of his second-in-command called, knocking at the door. Jiang Cheng huffed automatically in response, rolling his eyes, Jiang Zhiyun always did this — the second he heard the third geng was struck, he would come and bother him to sleep. He wasn't sure if it was out of some sense of duty or… he didn't know. He had complained heavily at the beginning but now, he could admit to himself it was nice, being taken care of in this way.

"At least, I'm in my quarters. What about you?" Jiang Cheng responded, somewhat soothed by their routine.

"I'm going straight back to my own, zongzhu," Jiang Zhiyun laughed softly, both fully aware of each other's routines. "Good night."

Jiang Cheng replied, softer than usual, "Goodbye, Zhiyun."

Jiang Zhiyun was one of the many rogue cultivators who Jiang Cheng had personally recruited during the Sunshot Campaign. Surprisingly enough, after the war, he had stayed. Of all his people, he thinks this would be the one he feels the most guilty about leaving behind — Jin Ling would gain a mother; Wei Wuxian wouldn't give a damn but Zhiyun? He may only become Sect Leader, depending on A-Jie's decision. Jiang Cheng waved the rest of his worries away, Jiang Zhiyun was loyal to whoever sits on Lotus Pier's throne — he would adapt easily enough. Much the same for the rest of Yunmeng, they would adjust to this new course, just as they had done so before.

A-Ling,

I don't say this nearly enough but, I'm proud of you, A-Ling. You have done so well and I love you.

~Sorry I wasn't the parent you deserved.~

Your Jiujiu

Wei Wuxian,

You'd be welcomed in Lotus Pier if you wanted to. Don't misunderstand, you're still an asshole.

I .. Take care.

Jiang Cheng

(Look after our nephew)

Wei Wuxian's eyebrows knitted together, from a lot of experience, he could tell that the handwriting was unmistakably Jiang Cheng's, but it didn't show any signs of being an official letter, no Yunmeng Jiang seal or anything, just his own name. Perhaps it was a personal letter, written for no reasons Wei Wuxian could think of. It could be a simple letter saying 'Stay away from Lotus Pier.' Of course, he could deal with it if it was but it was different having a letter saying to stay away, rather than just yelling — if it were in person, he could almost trick himself into believing that Jiang Cheng didn't mean it; the shake of his voice from anguish rather than rage. Letters were physical proof which couldn't be written impulsively... He shook his head, trying to dislodge those thoughts. Why was he hesitating so much?

With 'steady' hands, he opened the letter, and almost dropped it in shock. What?

It was a short letter. Succinct, as expected. But the content was definitely not.

He was allowed back? He would be welcomed back? Wei Wuxian thought — he knew — Jiang Cheng hated him — when Wei Wuxian messed up and landed himself in the healing quarters, Jiang Cheng couldn't even look at him. As an apology, he had run off the first chance he had.

'If you wanted to.' He scoffed audibly. If he wanted to? Being back at Yunmeng — who wouldn't want to return? Like he'd said in that inn with Jiang Cheng, "Even in my dreams, I return to Lotus Pier," Jiang Cheng hadn't heard him but for Wei Wuxian, it still rang true. Compared to his nightmares, the easy, familial dreams of Lotus Pier ached so much worse, seeing Shijie, Jiang Cheng and him altogether, knowing it could never happen again — it made him cry so much harder too. The only benefit in this sense was waking up to Lan Zhan comforting him. Gusu was nice and Lan Zhan was truly amazing, but he sorely missed Lotus Pier and it wasn't the same — the people, the atmosphere, the climate even! In the deepest recesses of his mind, he could admit that Yunmeng was his first home — no matter how it had changed from his memories. After his dreams, he squashed those feelings, vehemently. But with this letter… hope rose in him, unbidden.

Rereading it, eyes finely combing each word, sending it to memory. Wait. There's something strange, a little off. The unsteadiness of Jiang Cheng's handwriting. The frankly, out of the blue letter. And what exactly was said … he was too caught up in the first sentence to register the rest of the letter. The well-wishing and his command to look after Jin Ling — whilst calling him their nephew! How surprisingly sweet! But worry thrummed in his chest — what had sparked these words? Was he sick or merely worrying about Jin Ling?

Wei Wuxian pressed his lips together. He would have to question Jiang Cheng, directly to his face — he was welcomed to Lotus Pier after all. That was practically permission! His face returned to a small smirk, changing to a larger smile once he realised that Lan Zhan could drop him off at Yunmeng. He would see two of his favourite people in one day!

"Lan Zhan! Baobei!" Wei Wuxian practically bound in from his to Lan Zhan's study, slightly more subdued from his lingering worry.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan greeted as he looked up from his Chief Cultivator work with a small smile that quickly faded, eyebrows creasing, "Wei Ying? Is there something wrong?"

How—! This man! How could he tell so quickly and easily? He truly was his zhiji. "Aiya, Lan Zhan! How could you tell? Ah— never mind! Let me just show you."

He passed him the letter as he moved to climb into Lan Zhan's lap. Ah, how comfy, like normal.

"I'm really worried, zhiji!" Wei Wuxian pointed to the unstable 'Take care.' "See how shaky Jiang Cheng's handwriting is? And how sweet he's being?" — he gestured incoherently, trying to make his point — "The 'you're still an asshole' seems so hastily written too! I'm not entirely sure he even means it."

"Mn." Lan Zhan sounded somewhat doubtful, sounding more approving as he said, "Jiang Wanyin seems to be trying." — his voice turned tender, addressing Wei Wuxian — "Will you need me to bring you there?"

Wei Wuxian laughs, "You've read my mind! Aha, would you mind if we go quickly?" — He leaned backwards, resting lightly on Lan Zhan's chest — "Not to be any trouble! I'm just worried." He fidgeted with his hands slightly.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan said softly, bringing Wei Ying's focus towards him, "Wei Ying, you could never be any trouble for me." He pressed a kiss to Wei Wuxian's forehead, where a Lan ribbon would have sat.

Wei Wuxian's face erupted into a blush, his face buried in his hands, "Lan Zhan! You can't just say these things! Give me a warning at least! My heart can't take it!"

Lan Zhan hummed, amused, "Warning: I" — prying Wei Wuxian's hands away, he kissed his forehead again — "love" — another kiss— "you." Another small kiss.

Wei Wuxian could already picture Lan Zhan's self-satisfied expression.

"Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian cried out, giggling, a smile on his face, "I didn't mean it that way!" Though his heart was full, anxiety still curled around it, waiting.

She was floating, adrift; only tied to the physical world by the heady scent of copper — blood. No knowledge of who or where she was.

From the stench of blood, she would have assumed the air around would feel similar, thick with some sort of bloodlust. But no. This atmosphere… it was familiar to her. At this moment she knew nothing, but her instincts told her she was safe. They told her she was home.

"Jie. Jie." The voice was insistent, almost demanding but strangely she knew it was worried, sad. "Jiejie, I'm so sorry. But. You can see A-Ling again! You'll see how much he's grown — I know you'll love him and he's… he's a great kid. I love you, A-Jie, please take care."

She remembered.

The heartache from A-Xuan's death.

A-Ling's constant crying that made her want to break down.

The visceral need to make sure that no more of her family would die.

In Nightless City: looking. Searching for both her brothers. Then. The adrenaline sharpened view. A boy, barely a man, brandishing a blood-covered sword, proclaiming a need for revenge. Pushing A-Xian away.

No one else in her family was allowed to die.

Red, red, red. So much. Only the sound of blood rushing in her ears. She could taste it, smell the blood hanging over the battlefield. The feeling of wetness: blood or tears — she couldn't tell.

We are the closest three; nothing can separate us.

For leaving you — my little brothers, my son — I am sorry but I cannot regret.

In the lotus position the body was in, water splashed onto her — Jiang Yanli's — clasped hands. Large; rough; achingly familiar, but wrong, wrong, wrong.

No no no. Why can I see A-Cheng's hands like this? These can't be his hands — these freckles, these light scars she recognised meant nothing. She can't, she won't allow it. Who was she if she could let this happen?

Her brother's hands started trembling. She ached with the need to console, to help him. But she couldn't. It wasn't possible because these were her hands now — she flinched at the thought.

Trying to distract herself from his — hers — his hands, she looked to the ground and saw thick strokes of blood all around the body she inhabited. The blood was fresh and she tried not to think about the source though the answer was blindingly obvious — the blood under their fingernails had not been fully washed out.

Hand-drawn, an almost perfect circle surrounded her, not fully dry. Questions swirled in her head: was this how she came back? Through this array? Why wasn't her didi stopped—

She remembered how even in her death-addled mind she recognised that the atmosphere seemed familiar. Of course, it did. It felt like him. Her brother. The circle seemed to be where most of the 'feelings' were emanating from. Hovering her — their hand over a stroke of blood she felt warmth, possibly from A-Cheng's remaining spiritual energy. She registered that in the circle there were countless written incantations — all in her didi's neat, careful script. A-Cheng's calligraphy was always beautiful — quite the opposite to her other didi's. She huffed, amused before feeling ice cold. A-Xian…

The thought struck her, shaking her from her mood, she knew how A-Cheng was (dead, seeing how she was in his body— ) but how was A-Xian? A-Ling? She'd left him with Muqin and as much as Yanli trusted those in Jinlin Tai — not much, in all honesty — she trusted her more; Jin-furen would look after her mother's grandchild. She vaguely remembered the last remnants of Jiang Cheng telling her that A-Ling was alive so…

A-Xian… She wasn't sure he was alive. The last moments she could remember didn't bode well for his continued survival — if Yanli was going to survive this, she couldn't allow herself to hope. Hah. So much for staying together, never parting. She buried her face into her hands, breathing shakily. She broke her promise — their promise — first, and now? Jiang Yanli was the only one remaining.

Wei Wuxian was let into Lotus Pier.

No shouts. No complaints. Nothing he could've possibly expected before — he was welcomed back! If he wasn't so tense, Wei Wuxian would be incandescently happy — his wildest and most wistful dreams of years finally being fulfilled.

It's been so long, Wei Wuxian though, trailing his fingertips on the various carvings of Lotus Pier's namesake; easily recognising the style of the carver. After the Sunshot Campaign and before everything truly went to shit, this was one of the few tasks he had managed — back then he hadn't the heart to help with the martial arts — and one that he was proud of. What he had actually done in those days to help the sect was very little and his responsibilities were practically all shirked, the scent of sulphur and alcohol trailing him everywhere. These arts were easier to deal with. The artisan who had done these lotus carvings worked briefly with the Nie sect on the day of the massacre so, thankfully not everyone was lost. Most of this wing — the Sect Leader's — had been lost to ashes, only the blackened stone foundation remaining.

He had been directed towards this wing by the Jiang disciples — newer or older disciples he couldn't tell, and a part of him ached, once he had known all of them, now he wouldn't be able to pick them out in a crowd even if he tried — and had waved off their worries; yes, he knew how to get there; no, he didn't need any help; yes, I'm allowed — have you seen this letter saying so; no, blah, blah, blah; it's all good, I'm fine.

Thinking about it, the lack of proper supervision was strange. It warmed him from the inside out, it really did — Jiang Cheng, in a way, still trusted him! — but, it was too good for Wei Wuxian to believe in, it was too lucky. He didn't know how or what but something was bound to go wrong. He'd been overwrought with anxiety since that letter and he desperately, desperately hoped his anxieties wouldn't come true.

Turning the corner, into the quarters, Wei Wuxian heard muffled gasps, short and bordering on sobs. Jiang Cheng? He thought, confused and instantly on guard, hurrying to the doors, only to see they were slightly ajar. Finally, he registered what that tinny, slightly sweet smell was: blood.

He roughly flung the doors open, instantly drawn to the unrecognisable blood-drawn ritual then to the body of his brother facing him, eyes wide and red-rimmed, face incomprehensibly soft.

"You're not Jiang Cheng." Wei Wuxian pronounces, eyes flicking to the array. This feels familiar, he thinks, detached. An array drawn in blood, a person different than the way they were yesterday, and mysterious circumstances.

Jiang Cheng's body looked up, face still frozen in an expression that Jiang Cheng would never wear as Wei Wuxian continued, "You're not much of an evil spirit are you? And what did Jiang Cheng even wish for you to do? Take revenge? That's what everyone's demands are." — At this he scoffed harshly, blinking away traitorous tears — "Who would he take revenge on and why would he ask someone else to do it! He's strong enough to fight his own battles— wait. This can't be why he invited me here— revenge on me? It makes sense— no. He must've gotten the spell wrong! Jiang Cheng wouldn't have sacrificed everything on a chance." Wei Wuxian's loud proclamations had devolved into frantic mutterings, pulling wildly at his hair and even the body-snatcher itself seemed to be getting mildly worried, the expression both natural and unnatural on Jiang Cheng's face.

Wei Wuxian scrutinized the array again and could've almost laughed. The circle and incantations both perfectly painted — it really could be called beautiful! A true work of art! It was so well done it looked as if it would be impossible for Jiang Cheng to have made a mistake but then who — oh. The pieces all fit. Looking at the body he pictured another face with that exact same look. Her.

"Shijie?" He breathed, voice laden with horrified realisation.

In a small orphanage in Yunmeng, a young girl startled awake, unexpectedly alive and breathing, "A-Jie, take care…"

A/N:

honestly i have no idea how many people read mdzs or cql fics on here haha

fic notes:

the third geng = midnight

didi = little brother

a-jie = older sister

zongzhu = sect leader

zhiji (what wangxian cql canonically call each other) = ~soulmate, ~confidante, ~true friends; the one who *knows* you

thank you for reading! ;3

if you liked it please follow/fave and maybe a comment :D that would be great hehe