CHAPTER SIX: I'M NOT INDIAN DOE!
Great, just fucking great. Already once again after escaping some bizarre world featuring a retarded giant obsessed with ducks and an Asian Canadian obsessed with raping alt right butter balls, somehow I find myself knocking myself the fuck out in a random restaurant smelling of shitty Indian barbeque. What would happen next? Well...I'm going to explain very shortly.
I suddenly felt myself in consciousness after what felt like hours. I slowly sat my body up, feeling the bit of aching that was going on in my lower back. I quickly positioned my back straighter in an opportunity to crack it. You had no idea how good that felt, dude. However, my head was still pounding like I had an extreme headache. I mean I did fucking hit myself on that table when I jumped through that portal so that would make sense. I began to rub at my eyes in an attempt to fix up my current blury vision seeing how I just woke up. After a few seconds of this, I took my hands off of my eyes, with my vision being clear once again. I suddenly gasped in horror at the sight of the room I was in.
As I looked around I noticed that the room I was in was extremely messy, and I'm not talking about the type of messy that you see in a stoner's house. Ya know, where everything looks to be in place except there's clothes littered around? The clothes in the room were either folded but just left in an excute pile on the top of two wooden dressers across from the shitty bed I was in. One of them came with a mirror that was barely noticeable thanks to said pile of clothes that looked to be never worn. Speaking of the bed I woke up in, I quickly got out of it, fearing that there were germs on it that could cause the second black plague if the flesh eating virus wasn't a thing currently. Bad enough that the place smelled like I was on the random set of a Bollywood film.
I attempted to walk towards the door which seemingly looked to be the way out of the room, I also noticed that it wasn't shut all the way for some reason, but that's really fucking irrelevant right now because of what was happening next.
I immediately stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the door knob move to the right.
"Shit..." I mumbled under my breath, fearing that the hippie deputy had somehow survived the massacre that the psycho fraggles were giving to his patrol squad, or even worse...Buzz had come back to recruit me in his Quizno's cult! Okay, I'm over exaggerating that part, but you have to admit he takes Quizno's a bit too seriously. Anyway, the door then swung open, causing my heart to jump a bit. However when I quickly gathered my thoughts, I immediately frowned at the person standing in the door way.
The person said doorway was none other than some scrawny brown Indian boy (really a man), wearing gray beanie with USA on the front, a white beater with brown spots so I'm assuming he just got done eating shit disguised as an entree. He also wore black shades on his eyes even though we were obviously in doors. What really got me going though was that stupid grin that was about to make me snap and just beat the fuck out of this scrawny fuck.
"Stop smiling, you stupid Indian..." I immediately scoffed at the stranger, which caused the dumb smile on his face to drop. Thank god he stopped smiling, but...he ruined my peace by talking...
"I'M NOT INDIAN DOE, YOU FACKING RETAR!" the Indian kid shouted in a shrill voice that sounded like it belonged to a twelve year old boy. I growled in agonizing pain as I clenched my ears to block out the pain that was being caused by this stupid retarded man's voice. It was almost as bad as that stuttering black man's voice. His voice made me glad when the fraggles stoned him to death with radishes.
Regardless, I was in no mood to calm down after waking up to more retardation. As soon as I recovered and gathered my thoughts together again, in what seemed like a flash I ran at the stupid Indian and rammed him through the doorway similar to how I took Sean down at his party a few years ago.
"OOOOOOOOWWWWWW!" the Indian kid shouted in pain that was louder than I anticipated it to be. Seriously, that scream was like a giant sword slicing through my scrotum and causing my probably tiny balls to drop out. Sorry but that's just how it felt to me. "YOU HURT MY TAILBONE MAWDERFOCKER!"
Again, the more this idiot screamed, the more angry I got. So what happened when he started crying about being taken down? Well...I quickly got back on top of him and started to punch him repeatedly in his face. Once again, similar fassion to how I broke Sean's face at his graduation party.
As my right fist collided with the stupid Indian's right jaw, I thought I could see some permanent yet decaying teeth fly out of his mouth in the opposite direction. The shades he was wearing obviously shattered on the side that my fist hit him on, so there were a few glass pieces cutting into his face, which made me very happy about this.
"WHY YOU HURT ME DOE?!" the Indian was crying, confused on why he was being brutally beaten for no reason.
"JUST STOP FUCKING TALKING, YOU DUMB INDIAN!" I shouted in frustration as I got up on my feet quickly befre kicking the Indian in the gut very aggressively, causing the young Indian to grip his stomach and cough up a bit of blood.
"I'M NOT...cough..." the Indian tried to say through coughs. "INDIAN...cough..." no way in fuck was I gonna let this random waste finish his sentence. It was a retarded one after all.
I grabbed the stupid Indian by the throat with my right hand, making sure to squeeze tightly so he would be choking to death. I then lifted him off the ground as if he was a light feather and chucked him across the hall way into where I guess the living room was. I could hear the Indian hitting the area with a loud thud, which was surprising because he's really fucking light. But then I also heard other stuff getting knocked over and hitting the ground, either breaking on impact or just causing loud noises.
"Holy shit..." I mumbled, afraid that I might've over done it and quickly darted over to where I think the Indian landed. I ran over to where the living room seemed to be and what I found was indeed the retarded Indian, groaning in pain and lying on the floor. His beanie was next to his feet, which revealed that he had a buzz cut, and yes this made me angry as you would've guessed. I sighed in utter annoyance though because of what I saw lying next to him.
"Kid, why the fuck is your Christmas tree still up?" I growled, acknowledging the fact that there was a pine tree with Christmas ornaments scattered around said tree and the Indian. That caused me to correct myself quickly. "Well...was still up..."
The Indian, though in obvious pain, managed to answer me when I wish he hadn't. "I just wuv Kwistmis doe..." the Indian answered in a very cheerily manner as he managed to form a smile as if everything was okay. No...this wasn't okay...
"I'm throwing you out the fucking window." I firmly stated as if I was calling the shots on earth now. Of course, the Indian's eyes widened as his mouth dropped. He was making a face as if this was the worst thing to happen to him.
"WHY YOU GOTTA DO DAT DOE?!" The indian shouted in a high pitched squeal which only made me try to grab him more aggressively than before.
"NONONONONNONO! AWWW SHIT! AWWWW SHIT!" the Indian kept shouting as he tried to get away by slapping at my hands. Of course I was much stronger than this annoying chump so there was no way that he was going to best me. I grabbed both his wrists, which meant I had wrist control, and squeezed them hard, causing the Indian bitch to shout right in my ear.
"AWWW FUCK!" I shouted, closing my eyes and clenching my teeth in agony once again. The indian thought he could take this opportunity to escape, cause I could feel him pulling his left hand away from one of mine. I quickly thought ahead though and violently pulled him closer to me. As soon as he was closer I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck, getting him in a headlock.
"MMMMMMMMM!MMMMMM!" the Indian shouted, trying to break through, which only made me more mad.
"FUCK THIS ALL!" I shouted and ran over to the nearest window that was open, dragging the protesting retarded Indian along with me. As soon as we were close to the window, I released the idiot, only for him to say this, "DON'T DO DIS TO ME DOE! I HAVE FWEINDS ONLINE THAT CARE FOR ME!"
I couldn't think of anything to say to this comment. This is why I should spare this stupid Indian and not throw him out the window? Because of people on the internet? God, this kid was literally like my uncle Bill, a fucking loser who took internet stuff too seriously.
The next thing I knew, I was chucking the Indian out of the window like it was nothing, and I knew he was gonna die when he hit the ground because we had to have been on like the second of third floor of the building.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" the Indian cried before falling on a moving car that had to have been going at least 70 miles an hour because that's a safe speed to drive at in a shitty city in New York. Anyway, the Indian kid bounced off the speeding car, causing him to crash into a random gas tank pump at a gas station.
Now, I'm not making this next part up, but I'm telling you, when that Indian collided with that gas pump, a giant ass fire explosion errupted, nearly taking out everybody that was at least ten feet away. Of course the innocent people who got caught in the explosion died and weren't so lucky. Boy, everywhere I was going, something stupid and destructive just had to take place. As the explosion errupted, I took cover under the kitchen table in this shitty apartment and covered my ears to block out the loud sounds of the explosion. When the sounds had died out, I glanced up, my heart beating heavily in anticipation on what random shit would happen next.
I got up, and quickly ran over to the window where I threw the man out. What I wasn't expecting was somebody else to be at the window. The person looked to be a middle aged Indian muslim, wearing some kind of random jacket, and a gray walrus hat. He looked to be very depressed for some weird reason...however that's when it hit me...
"Oh, sir..." I quickly began to say, trying to sound apologetic and sincere when in reality I was actually glad at what I did. "I'm so sorry...your son is just an annoying little shit! I...I only did what I thought I had to do to save humanity..."
The old man only let out a sad sigh as he turned to look out the window. "Zubair...is not dead..." the man said, in a thick Eastern Asian accent that I could barely understand. But what the fuck? Why would you say that your kid isn't dead from a gas explosion? Also, it's really not ironic that the Indian retard is named Zubair.
"Sir, I mean no disrespect..." I began to say, trying my best to stay calm and not insult this old fuck. "But I threw him onto a speeding car and then he probably got burned alive in that random explosion...There's no way-,"
"IT DOES NOT MATTER!" The old man shouted unexpectedly, his eyes wide, bulging to the point where I could almost see his retinas. I backed away a little bit, startled at this old man who I guess believes his son Zubair is alive somehow.
"What are you talking about, sir?" I managed to get those words out, not wanting to make this old man flip out and kill me. "Why are you trying to convince me that your son isn't dead?"
"Because..." the old man said before sighing and turning his back to face me. "Zubair...is immortal..."
After a few seconds of processing that this senile geezer said, I let out a scoff that was covered up by a chuckle. "Alright, old man you need to get on some medication and quick." I then said.
I started to walk towards the exit, shoving the old man out of my way in the process. The man just watched me walk towards the door sadly instead of trying to stop me for whatever reason. I only discovered why he didn't bother to stop me only after I realized it was too late.
I grabbed hold of the door knob so I could open the door and leave this shitty apartment and this weird Indian family. I casually opened the door, hoping to just walk out and continue to live my life on the run, but there was something standing in the way of the exit, and I literally couldn't believe who it was.
The old man was indeed right. There stood his stupid son Zubair, with that stupid cheery grin that made me want to destroy everything in my path. Clearly he didn't have any burns or scratches on him, so there was most of the proof I needed to tell me that this moron was immortal. The clothes he was wearing were obviously burned and torn up but he didn't care.
"YAH HI!" Zubair said happily as he casually waved his hand in my face as if we just met and became best pals in an instant. I slowly turned my head to face Zubair's father, the look on my face showing horror and pity. Zubair's father just sighed and shook his head in reply.
"You have no idea how many times I wished he actually died..." Zubair's father said in a sad tone.
"AH COME ON, DAD!" Zubair cheerily said, walking over to his father and casually wrapping an arm around the sad man's shoulders. "YOU KNOW YOU WUV ME WIT ALL YOUR HEART! I MAKE YOUR WORD GO ROUND!"
'I make your word go round?' Tell me I heard that right.
I decided that now would be the perfect time to try and leave the apartment before one of them could try and talk to me again with retardation regarding immortals and disgusting curry odor roach infested restaurants.
I began to slowly creep towards the exit that was still fully open. After a few seconds I saw that I was near the door. I then took the chance and bolted out of the shitty apartment, trying to find the exit to the actual building itself. If I was going to be in hiding for a while, then no way in hell was I going to stay with a man who's business was probably failing due to the shitty food he was selling, but probably his idiot son Zubair was driving away all the customers, and he was immortal of all things.
As I continued to look for an exit, I suddenly began to hear a young woman screaming from the other side of the building, followed by what sounded like three African American sounding men, threatening said woman.
"What the fuck is this place..." I sighed nervously, but for whatever reason there was something in my gut that was telling me to go to the other side of the building and save the woman. Why though? Maybe she was roleplaying with these black men and she wanted them to give it to her like dogs? I don't fucking know.
"Screw it..." I said to myself and ran all the way to the other side of the building in hopes to find where the commotion was coming from.
"IF YOU GUYS TRY ANYTHING TO ME WHATSOEVER, MY BOYFRIEND WILL FIND OUT AND HE'LL MAKE SURE YOU GORILLAS SUFFER!" the woman shouted at the thugs. That was kinda racist, but I mean she's seemingly abducted by said thugs.
"NOW WHY YOU GOTTA MAKE IT ALL COMPLICATED, AVRIL?" One of the thugs said. Hold on a minute. Did one of those black thugs just call said girl Avril? As in...Avril Lavigne? Nah...can't be...I mean the dude made a reference to one of her songs but that should only be a coincidence.
Anyway, what do you all think I should do? Should I barge in the apartment with all the screaming to stop some seemingly intimidating black thugs and save somebody with the same name as Avril Lavigne? Or should I be an asshole and just ignore the whole situation and just continue running. Hopefully you guys believe that I'll make the right decision cause if I make the wrong one, then who knows what's gonna happen, maybe this boyfriend of hers is more scary than a thug with a gun? We'll see eventually