CHAPTER SEVEN: THEY'RE LITERALLY GORILLAS

Fuck this, I'm gonna risk my life. I got nothing left to lose anyway. Even if I do abandon the innocent woman and let those black guys do whatever violent things thugs like that do, there were a few things that would happen, either I'd get gunned down by the idiot cops, or I run into Buzz Lightyear again and be cast under his dumb Quizno's spell. I'm going to mention in every single chapter that I don't like Quizno's because it's cool.

I took a deep breath and began to think back to everything that had happened in the past few years since I went to college. I mean, I never thought that I would be putting my former best friend in the hospital and then stopped him from raping my girlfriend. Then only a few years later I lose my girlfriend and all my close friends to this dumb virus. Then I end up encountering a bunch of random retarded shit that made no sense to what was going on. I was also pretty sure that what was going on in that room wouldn't make sense.

After counting to five I dashed at the door, surprisingly breaking it down as I also fell onto it like a retard, hurting my right shoulder in the process. I groaned a bit in pain as I slowly sat up to try and get a hold of myself. As I looked up I widened my eyes at what was towering over and looking down at me.

So I shit you not, the people that were glaring at me weren't people...they were actually gorillas. Legit fucking apes. Four of them, too.

The one closest to me, which was a silverback that resembled the silverback in the Disney Tarzan movie, growled at me before speaking in a gangster black guy voice.

"What the fuck you doin here, ya dumb cracker?!" the silverback shouted at me, causing me to scramble away in fear. Like, really there's four gorillas, one of them talking down at me and ready to fucking kill me.

"I...uhhhh..." I tried to say, but I was scared shitless. I couldn't think of anything to fucking say to these thug gorillas.

"HEY! IS SOMEBODY HERE?!" the female voice came from what I guess was the kitchen across from us. "HELP ME, PLEASE!"

I quickly looked over and widened my eyes when I was able to finally see who the girl they abducted was. Remember in the last chapter when I said that it might be a coincidence that Avril Lavigne was in this apartment? Well...the thing was...I was right.

These random anthropomorphic gorillas somehow got a hold of Avril Lavigne...How...is this even possible? Also...she's depending on Deryck Whibley (the bitch from Sum 41) to save her from these apes? I'm gonna ask her that right now.

"Oh hi, Avril!" I called over to her sarcastically. "You must be that dumb if you think that that scrawny fuck of a boyfriend can stand up to these apes!"

The gorillas for whatever reason just stood there and let me and Avril banter. Maybe they really are dumb apes at heart, I don't fucking know. Nothing has made sense since I ran into Buzz and the fraggles.

Avril looked down and sighed, seemingly as if she knew I was right, which obviously I was. I smirked with pride. Even though this seemed retarded, I actually felt glad for the first time since I realized that I survived the cabin fever situation and my friends didn't. It was another dumb and cold moment, but I've been having a couple rough days so go easy on me.

"Yeah, just face it, Avril." I said sighing as if I was confiding in her when I really wasn't. "You're hot as fuck, but you chose a twinky bitch." Yeah, I'm one to talk, but like I said let me have my moment.

"Dude, come on..." Avril then spoke, and then giggled a bit which really confused me. Then she looked at me with a cocky grin. "Deryck isn't really my boyfriend. He's...it's hard to explain but Deryck is just show...don't tell anyone this...please..."

"Um...okay?" I said, confused out of my mind. "But...if Deryck isn't your boyfriend...then who is?"

Avril let out another cute giggle before speaking to me. "If I told you you'd think I'm on meth." she said in a low sly tone. "But my real boyfriend ain't even from Earth...in fact...he's an alien..."

Okay, since when the fuck did we get into sci fi type shit here? Fuck this, I'm breaking up this bizarre story.

I sprang up like I was Hulk Hogan no selling a tombstone piledriver and then with balls of steel slapped the silverback right across the face. Surprisingly, and to even my shock, the silverback fell down seemingly knocked unconscious.

"...Ooooookaaaay?" I said in a low voice, confused of all shit. Did I just knock out a fucking gorilla just by smacking the primate across the face?

The other gorillas looked down at the silverback and shook their heads in disappointment before just walking out of the apartment as if I was never even there. Okay, what just happened? They just walked away like nothing happened? Aren't gorillas supposed to be wild and fling us around everywhere?

Avril on the other hand didn't seem bothered by this whatsoever. Instead, she was laughing.

"Hey, dude you wanna come untie me please?" she asked through laughter.

"Um..." I tried to say as I slowly walked into the kitchen, "Sure." I walked over and untied her hands, trying not to look at the skin that was managing to reveal itself on her backside. Man I wished I could just place my hand on her back and rub my hand up her shirt and then do so many other inappropriate things to her, but apparently she has an alien for a boyfriend so I'm just gonna be a gentlemen and untie her from this random chair.

"Thanks." she said and stood up, dusting herself off. "Ya got a name, dude?"

"Uh yeah..." I mumbled, beginning to get a little nervous. A hot pop star from Canada was actually speaking to me and asking me for my name! "It's Jeff..."

She gave me a warm smile. "Nice to meet you, Jeff." she said sweetly. "I'm kinda glad you're not jumping all over me like I'm sure some fat hairy horndog probably would..."

I had to laugh at that. It just felt so cool having a legit conversation with a famous singer even though it was under bizarre circumstances. "I mean...to be honest I've been having a pretty shitty week." I said as I hung my head low. "Like...Here I am magically saving you from strange talking gorillas that talk like black people, and before that I was easily annoyed by an immortal retard, and-,"

"Wait, you mean that whole explosion going on was you trying to murder Zubair?!" Avril exclaimed in a mix of annoyance in disbelief. Wait, how the fuck does she even know about that fucking weird retarded creature? Like seriously, my eyes widened when she said this.

"How do you even know of that retard's existance?!" I shouted at her in disbelief and just somewhat utter rage. Remember, I just discovered that Zubair was one of the few people that could easily make me lose my shit, and now a hot female musician is revealing that she knows a retard when she didn't know me?!

Avril sighed. "Relax, bro." she said calmly, placing a hand softly on my bruised shoulder. I had to do my best not to magically pre cum. "I fucking think that dude's a weirdo, too. Sucks he's immortal..." she let out a sigh before mumbling under her breath. "Rumsshi's gonna fucking destroy those two if they don't catch that immortal loser..."

"What..." I was trying to process everything she was saying. Who the fuck is Rumsshi? "What in the blue fuck are you even talking about, woman?!"

"Chill out, bitch." Avril then said to me firmly, catching me off guard. "I'll explain everything in a bit. Just let me call my boyfriend, then I'll call another friend of mine who's probably at Quizno's right now..." That last line made me groan in utter annoyance.

"Are you kidding me right now?!" I shouted in annoyance. Like, what the fuck? She knows an Indian retard, and a Quizno's obsessed space ranger? Plus who is this alien boyfriend of hers?! What is it a random character from Star Wars?!

Avril just laughed in humor, acting as if I was being a Karen for no reason. "Let me guess, you ran into Buzz and his army of fraggles?" she then asked. She laughed again and then placed both hands on my shoulders. "He isn't that bad." she said softly. "He's a good leader and a pretty chill guy once you get to know him."

"The dude is a Quizno's sociopath though..." I then said in a low voice.

"Just say yes to Quizno's whenever he offers." she said brightly, giving me an innocent smile in the process. I sighed...once again almost losing my shit. How was I supposed to know that Buzz Lightyear had somehow brainwashed Avril Lavigne into liking a shitty sandwich shop?

"Hang on, let me call my boyfriend..." Avril then told me, turning around and walking a few feet away from me as she dialed a number. She held the phone close to her ear and paced around a bit.

"Come on, Lonzo pick up..." I could hear her banter in annoyance. "You better be awake still, you pot head..."

So the first few things I hear about her boyfriend is that he's a pot head named Lonzo, and apparently Lonzo is an alien. I'm kinda interested to see who he really is now.