CHAPTER EIGHT: INTRODUCING THE REAL HEROES

This was some pretty good weed, dude. It was well deserved after Kirby and I had just got done training with Rumsshi's angel, Kusu. So who am I? What am I talking about? Well...my name is Lonzo, and I'm the son of some legendary star warrior named Monahan. That's pretty much all I'm gonna say cause the story ain't even about me.

Anyway, Kirby and I were currently sitting outside Rumsshi's garden on his planet, smoking copious amounts of dope and trying to get through all the Tool albums. It had been at least eleven months since Kirby defeated Nightmare and saved the galaxy, but then he just disappeared for eight months, and that resulted in me going insane and craving for adventure. Yeah, I could always go to Earth and catch up with my buddies like Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age, and Perry Farrell from Jane's Addiction, but I don't know...I just wanted something where it was a life threatening situation. Anyway, to clear my head I went to some random planet called Vagina (i I really don't know why thats the name). During my stay there I met these weird race of people called twinks, which was strange because twink is a derrogatory term for a scrawny queer. They taught me how to calm my mind though, and they also taught me how to teleport to anywhere I damn well please. That's how I ended up back on Rumsshi's planet and discovered that Kirby had been training there this whole time, and to be honest I'm really glad since the fucking pink ball finally gained the ability to speak clearly instead of squealing "Poyo!" for no reason. Literally no sane person would tolerate that. He still did say poyo though but it was only an occasional tic. Though with talking and maturing came Kirby being a troll. Ever since I introduced him to some bands from Earth I liked, he always had to do something to annoy me, whether it be pretending to like a band that he never listened to but I knew about, or just randomly saying that I liked a certain album when I really didn't.

"Hey Lonzo poyo." Kirby said to me. I turned to face the puffball, my eyes were very fucking red. Like if you stared into them, you would think they were on fire. Yeah, I'm even high as fuck just narrating this. Kirby extended his paw to me, a half smoked blunt in his hand. Yeah...if Tiff found out about this...she would literally ear rape me with her brain tumor voice. Luckily Kirby and I agreed to not even bother mentioning Kirby's whereabouts to everybody else on Pop Star (More specifically Dreamland), wanting to make Kirby's return more special than it should, especially since everybody would see how fucking more powerful Kirby has gotten, and to see the look in Meta Knight's eyes, the look on my twin brother Luther's face, and even the look on King DeDeDe's face when they see that Kirby got trained by the God of Destruction Lord Rumsshi himself. Mainly his angel attendant Kusu, but Rumsshi every now and then. Everybody would be shitting their pants.

I chuckled like a dumbass stoner, which I am and gently took the blunt from Kirby's hand. "Thanks, bro." I said in a chill manner before taking a hit.

"Can we listen to Screaming Trees next?" Kirby then asked.

After a few seconds of zoning out, I slowly turned to face the equally high puffball and frowned, "Dude...you only like...one album of theirs..." I said in a spacy tone. "And it's...their most mainstream one..." the album I was referring to was Sweet Oblivion, which was probably Screaming Trees' most well known album due to their biggest hit "Nearly Lost You." I kinda liked the album too, but I didn't really care for Screaming Trees as much as Kirby claimed he did. Mark Lanegan is still a pretty chill guy though. I used to get fucking stoned with him and Josh after every Queens of the Stone Age jam session I was apart of. Those were the days, dude.

Kirby frowned back at me and shook his head no. "I also like Uncle Anesthesia poyo!" he said in defense.

I backhanded Kirby across the face albeit gently because I was stoned. "No you don't, you lying testicle." I scoffed.

Kirby rubbed at his face. "Whatever poyo." he muttered. "I'll just ask Gooby for more album suggestions the next time Lord Rumsshi takes me to Planet Bear Community."

I sighed in utter annoyance. Gooby was the god of destruction for our universe before Rumsshi succeeded him. Gooby was also the one who raised Rumsshi since he was a child, so in return for that, Rumsshi gave Gooby his own planet to watch over after retiring from the destroyer god position. Gooby also happened to have a decent taste in music like me, and like me, he sometimes would get annoyed whenever Kirby would try to gain Gooby's or my own approval by just taking his music opinions and making them his own.

"Kirby, why don't you-," I began to say, however a ringtone from my phone interrupted my insult, and I sighed in embarrassment when it played.

"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? Ya see the way you're-,"

My fucking girlfriend was calling me, and I knew this because the ringtone was one of her songs. Yes...Avril Lavigne from Earth is my currently love/sex partner.

Kirby let out a chuckle and a poyo, which caused me to scowl at him. "Look, bro the only reason that's my ringtone for when she calls is so I can really know it's her..."

Kirby rolled his eyes in reply. "Poyo bro, you love that song." he said, which resulted in me flipping Kirby off really quick.

I pressed the talk button on my phone and said, "Hey, baby what's up? Didn't expect you to be calling right now..."

"Hey, Lonzo." Avril said. "Surprised you didn't pass out yet."

"Haha, you're fucking hilarious." I scoffed lightly, which caused her to chuckle in reply. "What's going on though?"

"I..." she began to say, seemingly having trouble on how to explain it. "I think you and Kirby gotta come back to earth again..."

Lonzo shrugged. "Okay, for what?" I asked. "Perry want me to help him set up another Lollapalooza for him?"

"Lonzo, why the fuck would I be in contact with that narcissistic douchebag?" Avril scoffed, which caused me to laugh a little.

"Yeah, good point." I said, then she began to annoy me.

"Also, how long is it taking you to catch that dumb immortal Indian?" Avril then asked firmly, which caused me to growl.

"I told you, ya Canadian skank," I said. "I can't concentrate if he makes me angry every time I try to approach him, and Kirby for some ungodly reason likes that twig anyway."

After a bit of pointless banter, I promised her that I would finally capture Zubair so Rumsshi would finally shut the fuck up about having an immortal retarded Bollywood boy on the loose in the universe. Before I could hang up though, Kirby decided to be an annoying little asshole because he wants Avril to love him similar to how that fat piggy boy George tried to hug her one time. It was a year ago I think. It was me, Kirby, Meta Knight and Avril at a Quizno's meeting with Buzz and Wembly Fraggle (fuck him, also) about something regarding one of Nightmare's most powerful demon beasts roaming the north side of the galaxy. Before the meeting started though, this fucking jelly belly piggy named George started oinking in delight that a hot female singer was in front of him, but of course the stupid little warthog got too excited and thought he could get away with wrapping his arms around her and give her a fucking neckbeard hug. What happened after that? Well...long story short, the little piggy spent at least eight months in a fucking coma and Buzz has held a grudge against me for that since. As if I give a shit if some autistic Quizno's obsessed space ranger likes me or not? Anyway, onto Kirby.

"POYO! POYO! Can I talk to her?!" Kirby squealed in delight, hopping up and down and trying to take the phone from me. I growled and shoved Kirby away.

"No, fuck off asshole." I said rudely.

"Be nice to Kirby, you delinquent!" Avril shouted trying to be firm with me once again, which only annoyed me a bit more.

"I've never been arrested in my 1,000 years of existence unlike you, ya punky brewster wannabe cunt." I scoffed back at her.

"At least my first experience on Earth didn't include losing my virginity to James Dean!" Avril shouted back at me, causing me to growl in anger. Alright so it was 1952, and I somehow landed on Earth during one of my many escapes from Nightmare. I don't remember much, but all I remember was seeing a guy in a black leather jacket come up to me and ask if I wanted to know what sexuality was. And then...no...I'm not going back to that..."

Kirby quickly took the phone from my hand while I was emotionally distracted. "Got it!" he declared happily before blabbering pointless shit to Avril as if he was a rambunctious misbehaving little cunt who got over excited over somebody who he thought really cared about him. Well, I'm not going to be that harsh. She did kinda admire Kirby during his first trip to earth, and I'm pretty sure she'll be proud to discover that the pink nutball can actually talk in full sentences now. Anyway after a few minutes of pointless bullshit from those two, Kirby hung up the phone, tossed it back to me casually and kept a grin on his face.

"She wants us to meet up with her and Buzz Lightyear at Quizno's poyo!" Kirby shouted with glee. Of course...of all places...Buzz picked Quizno's. Kirby of course was happy because he liked anything having to do with food, so it was obvious that everybody would treat Kirby like he belonged in the Quizno's Club while I would be moping in the corner wishing to smoke and drink at the same time because of how obsessed and retarded everybody got over shitty Quizno's. Bad enough Buzz would turn into a fucking sociopathic douchebag if you ever said no to Quizno's in front of him. Believe me it's literally the most uncomfortable thing ever, and I'm sure if anybody else experienced this, they'd tell you the same thing.

"Cool." I then said, forming a small smirk on my face. "I get to strangle George with a fucking loaf of bread."

Kirby shook his head. "Yeah, good luck with that." he said before sitting back down and smoking the blunt that we were smoking earlier. We definitely were not leaving unless all this weed we currently had, was smoked, then we'd show up all high, and if the piggy boy happened to be there, then it would be my lucky day cause I would just spend the whole time making fun of that stupid blob that looks very similar to Josh Peck. Until then, all I can really say is...fuck today, for real. Also fuck Buzz Lightyear, fuck Quizno's, and fuck Kirby for being a kiss ass sperm ball.