CHAPTER NINE: WE CAPTURED ZUBAIR!
"Okay, what the fuck did I just hear?" I managed to ask in utter disbelief as soon as Avril hung up her phone. "So your boyfriend fucked James Dean during his first visit to earth...and...how is Kirby involved in any of this?!" Last I checked, Kirby was a video game character from Nintendo, just like I thought Buzz Lightyear was a Toy Story character and not some sociopath in love with Quizno's! Goddamn maybe I should give mentioning Quizno's a break for a bit. If I keep it up chances are I might have to spend a week there with Buzz, the piggy boy and all those gay fraggles.
Avril turned around and let out a nervous giggle before speaking. "Yeah, dude it's all bizarre and weird shit and I'm sorry to have to dump it on ya like that."
I took a deep breath and said, "Don't worry too much about it. I have a feeling we weren't even supposed to know about these types of gods and shit." I mean hey, she kept mentioning something about how Rumsshi was a god of destruction to her boyfriend, so I would assume that this Rumsshi guy just likes to destroy things for fun?
"So...how we gonna get to Quizno's?" I asked hatefully, causing Avril to smirk at me like she was laughing at my pain inside. "I mean the one that Buzz took me to before the fraggles went psycho on those cops was all in the way in North Carolina..."
"Dude..." Avril giggled as if she just got done smoking a few blunts, which made me realize that I probably needed some weed to relax me right now. This whole situation that I was in was just getting weirder and weirder. Kirby and her alien boyfriend who fucked James Dean are gonna show up randomly I guess since nobody can trust me to fix their problems. "I got a 2002 Nissan parked somewhere..." She then walked over to one of the windows of the apartment I guess to glance outside to see if there was anything there. "Cool, those apes didn't rob my car!"
I then looked down at the silverback that was still knocked unconscious before speaking, "What the hell are we gonna do with this one?" I was still a bit scared of this ape. Even though I knocked him out just by slapping him, who knows what the gorilla would be capable of doing once he wakes up. It's a gangster thug gorilla after all.
Avril glanced over at the unconscious silverback laying in the middle of the room on the floor and sighed. "Shit, I don't know if we can even carry that big ape." she mumbled.
"Why even bother bring it with us?" I asked, baffled at the mention of her wanting to bring the gorilla along with us. Before she could answer though, more retardation happened to stumble into the room, except this was retardation I already ran into.
"YA HI, GUYS!" Zubair the annoying little bitch cried out happily as my ears stung right away. I gripped my ears and held my head low to block out the sound while Avril just laughed at all this.
"Oh, hi Avril how's it going?" Zubair asked, his stupid fucking grin plastered on his face. Before Avril could say anything, I felt the need to lash out at this dumb bitch once again, especially because for whatever reason even though it's only been twenty minutes, he's gained at least thirty pounds, and his tits are now puffy.
"Are you taking steroids, you stupid dumb waste of life?" I growled in the Indian's face, causing him to chuckle heartedly.
"Now, come on Jeff!" Zubair cried cheerily. Now I'm going to assume that this idiot had been stalking me since I kicked his ass so I wouldn't be surprised that he randomly knows my name, but the fact that he said my name made me so mad, that I just had to do this.
"OOOF!" Zubair shouted as I sent an angry uppercut to this now puffy tit brown piece of shit. I watched as he was sent a couple feet into the air before falling flat on his face, groaning in pain as I saw that a small pool of blood formed around his mouth. Yes, this made me very happy.
"Dude, come on now." Avril sighed, feeling sorry for the dumb Indian even though she admitted back in chapter seven that she wished he wasn't immortal. "He's a retard but he doesn't deserve to get abused just cause he makes you mad."
"Oh yes he does." I immediately said, jerking my head to face her for a brief second before focusing back on Zubair.
"God, you're literally like a pussified version of my boyfriend. It's hilarious." Avril said, trying to hold in some laughter. Of course, this got my attention since the last thing I remember hearing was that Lonzo, her bf was a guy who's over a millennia old, and once fucked James Dean. Great guy to get compared to, right? I mean he probably smoked more pot than I did!
"And what's that supposed to mean?" I asked a little annoyed, walking up to her. Of course she didn't back down.
"Dude, Lonzo likes to bully Zubair every time he sees him, too." Avril explained. "It's kinda funny until he literally tries to kill him, forgetting the dumbass is immortal."
"Well can you blame your boyfriend?" I asked incredulously. "Zubair sucks! He sucks so bad that a supposed destroyer god doesn't want him out of his sight!"
Avril looked down at Zubair and grinned widely. Oh no...don't tell me she has a plan that involves bringing Zubair with us. That would be the worst thing to happen to me right now.
"I think we should bring the dumb Indian with us." Avril said, looking at me with a grin.
"But I don't want to..." I moaned, but I understood what her plan was, we bring the dumb Indian to Quizno's and wait for a bit until Lonzo and Kirby show up to catch him. But...that shouldn't be all that they have to do...Like there's still a flesh eating virus on the loose back in the south...
"I know you don't, you crybaby." Avril said in a snarky way which made me want to back hand her, but of course I thought about Lonzo's existence so I avoided doing so. Anyway, she continued to speak to me. "I just want to rub this shit in Lonzo's face. Ya know, how his popstar gf caught an immortal Indian while the son of some legendary star warrior couldn't. It'll be hilarious"
"Star warrior?" I asked, raising a brow. What the fuck is going on here. "I'm guessing Kirby has that occupation as well?"
Avril nodded at me like it was no big deal. "Alright, I think we're wasting time here, man." she said. "Let's just pick up this Indian retard and find the Quizno's that Buzz is at so we can get to the bottom of all this bullshit."
"But I'm not..." Zubair tried to say, but I ended up kicking the injured bitch in the face, knocking him out for the time being.
"Shut up, retard." I said in a harsh way before bending down to pick up his legs. Avril walked to where his head was and grabbed both of his arms. On the count of three, we picked Zubair up and noticed that the weight gain was quite noticeable, but not enough to the point where we would struggle greatly. I looked down at the still unconscious silverback before leading the way out of the apartment with Zubair in our grasp.
As we made our way out of the apartment, we looked across from us and saw Zubair's dad with a small smile on his face as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"Hopefully your pot head boyfriend takes Zubair off this planet!" the old man cried with hope. I chuckled and gave the poor man a light hearted grin in reply.
A few minutes later we made it to Avril's Nissan, opened the trunk and threw Zubair in it with no thought whatsoever. Like hey, the dude's immortal so he'll be fine even if he can't breathe for seemingly an hour. We then got into the car, Avril of course on the driver's side since it was her car, while I got on the passenger's side. Now, I never expected this to happen whatsoever, but dude I can't express to you how fucking wild this was. I'm in Avril Lavigne's car with her driving it of course. Sadly, we can't do anything to each other even if we get a bit horny because one, Lonzo is a thing, and two I'm still kinda mourning for Marcy so we have to behave. As she started the car, I noticed the the car like ten feet behind us looked to be similar to the car that ran at Zubair and caused him to get caught in that gas explosion. It was a gray ford focus from 1999. That got me wondering though...did that car belong to those gorillas? Before I could think to ask, Avril had already started driving off, going 80 miles an hour!
"BITCH, SLOW DOWN!" I shouted, fearing for me life as she was barely dodging cars going the right speed limit. I noticed that none of the patrol cars were doing anything to try and stop her, which confused the fuck out of me. "WHY AREN'T THE COPS DOING ANYTHING?! YOU'RE GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!"
Avril chuckled and turned to Jeff with a look that told him that she didn't think it was a big deal what she was doing. "Isn't this great, bro?!" she said excitedly. "I can do almost anything I want like speeding for no reason like an asshole, and the cops won't do anything because they know I'm in a relationship with Lonzo, and the cops fear Lonzo."
"Why would-," I began to ask her, but then the answer already came to me. "Oh yeah, he's an alien who's friends with a god. I understand of course..."
"Yeah dude." Avril said. "Besides, if I'm going at the speed I'm going currently, we could make it to Quizno's in like thirty minutes!"
And she was right. About a half hour later, we pulled into the Quizno's parking lot in a shitty area in New York. Avril put the car in park before turning it off and got out of the car around the same time I did. As soon as I got out though, I became depressed again, because right at the entrance way to this Quizno's was freakin' Buzz Lightyear with a dumb grin on his face, waving at us as if we love him. Well, I don't know about Avril, but I don't love him.
"AVRIL, JEFF!" Buzz shouted with glee. "Welcome to Quizno's in Jamaica Queens, New York!"
Avril walked up to Buzz to greet him with a hug, which annoyed me of course. "Hey, Buzz how's everything?" she asked the space ranger. Buzz's face turned into a frown before he spoke.
"Guys," he said in a serious tone. I will give Buzz this, even though he's a psycho Quizno's maniac, at least he knows when to be serious depending on the situation at hand. I even noticed this back at the other Quizno's even though he left those other kids to die and only saved George.
"Guys," Buzz said again. "A lot has been going on since the fraggle massacre at the other Quizno's..."
"Like what?" I asked in anticipation.
Buzz sighed before speaking. "Well the flesh eating virus has now spread to Virginia and Maryland..." he said. "And from what I have gathered...the infected people don't just die but...they come back as zombies..."
Avril and I widened our eyes at this. "Like...zombies that...want to...eat your...brains?" I asked with a bit of stuttering (No! Not like Malik, you fucking asshole who's reading this!).
Buzz nodded at me grimly before looking over to Avril. "You get in contact with Lonzo yet?" he asked her. Avril nodded in reply.
"Good." Buzz said, though in a low voice as if he didn't want Lonzo around. "Is he bringing Kirby with him?"
"Oh yeah." Avril said to the space ranger with a wide grin. "I can't trust Lonzo not to snap at fat kids that resemble Josh Peck while trying to murder immortal Indian retards even if I'm around."
Buzz nodded in agreement. "Exactly." he said. "At least Kirby can keep George company and he can keep Zubair calm in detainment." He then glanced over our heads at Avril's car. "Is he in the trunk?" he asked Avril.
Avril nodded in reply.
"Alright." Buzz said before beginning to walk over to the car. He looked over at us and called back, "You guys go inside and get settled in! Wembley can help you out and give you some refreshments! I'm gonna go tend to Zooby and make sure he doesn't freak out and do Jeff Hardy Swanton bombs all over the place!"
We had to laugh at that. The thought of Zubair doing something so insane just to get noticed was hilarious. The idiot still annoyed me though and I wanted him dead, but he's immortal.
Anyway, what's gonna happen next you guys think? Will Zubair listen to Buzz and be calm? Will Lonzo and Kirby show up with a good attitude? Or will Lonzo be an asshole and brutally beat on George and Zubair? We'll see next time I guess...