*As much as I love Emily, for the sake of the story there's probably going to be a lot of bashing towards her. And I'm sorry for making Reid go through so much because I love him as well but it's all for the story! I'll be taking liberties with the timeline and other details as it's will probably be the first of at least a few Spencer and Emily stories.*
Do You Still Love Me?
The world seemed to just stop when JJ told them. Normally Spencer would point out how that is impossible and give the reasons why, but he could only think of one thing as he collapsed into JJ's shoulder.
'Emily's dead. Emily's dead. Emily's dead.'
Had he been a bit calmer, he may have noticed the strange way Hotch and JJ were acting, especially compared to the rest of the team, but he was too devastated to notice or care at the moment. Emily and him hadn't been truly together for very long, but even so, that added loss was even more crushing. He had loved her so much. And he knows everyone else loved her as well, but it's not the same type of love that he had. And now she was gone and it felt like a giant hole was torn open inside him as he sobbed into JJ's embrace. She was gone and he hadn't been there for her when she needed him most.
Next thing Spencer knew, he was at JJ's. She held him in a tight embrace as he sobbed and sobbed until he was too exhausted to stay awake any longer. JJ held him on the couch stroking his hair soothingly, until she too fell asleep.
Following Emily's death, Spencer stayed at JJ's most nights and after a few days they had their new routine: Spencer would go over to JJ's in the evening or night, how early would just depend on how badly he was feeling at the time. He'd eat with her and her family, and then the two of them would sit together and talk and cry until they fell asleep. Then Spencer would leave in the morning and let the cycle repeat. He even got full nights of sleep, but he knew it wouldn't last. And he was right because after about a week since her death the nightmares began.
The first night was a sign of things to come.
He sat across from her in the restaurant where they went on their first date. She's smiling and happy and alive. Spencer wants to pull her in the tightest hug he can and never let her go. But he can't move no matter how much he wants to. And then he sees a man coming up behind her. He sees Ian Doyle holding a wooden stick in his hand and he tries to warn Emily. But he can't talk. Doyle walks up, grabs her from behind, and stabs the stick into Emily's ba-"Noooo!" Spencer wakes up with a scream.
JJ and Will rush down the stairs and stop to take in the sight of their houseguest. JJ's heart breaks seeing the disheveled, sweating figure of Spencer who is breathing heavily. She sends Will back upstairs and slowly approaches Spencer and sits with him, holding and comforting until he falls asleep.
Soon he's able to get his nightmares under some sort of control, mainly by controlling his outbursts they end up causing. It doesn't always work out how he hopes it will but it's better than before. And things are getting better, until they get worse.
A few months later it's not even a particularly hard case especially compared to what they usually deal with. They solved it after about a day and are sleeping in their hotel rooms, ready to head home first thing in the morning.
Spencer finds her lying there, impaled on that stick. There's too much blood and Reid is fighting off the panic at seeing her like this.
"Emily!" he yells rushing to her as he radios for an ambulance. He gets to her, grabs her hand and does what he can to help.
"Why?" she asks, suddenly.
"Why what?"
"Why did you let him do this to me? Why weren't you here in time to save me? I thought you loved me Spencer?"
Reid is taken aback and tries to form a coherent thought,"I do love you Emily! I tried to stop this! I can still save you!"
"You're lying. You were fine with letting this happen. You can't save me! You can't save anyone! "
"That's not true! It's not too late!" Reid screams with tears running down his cheeks.
"Yes it is! It's too late for me and everyone you have failed! And sooner or later you'll fail again and maybe then the team will realize how worthless you are!"
"Stop it please Emily. They are my family, that wouldn't happen!"
"So smart but so idiotic at the same time. They don't care about you either just like you never cared about me!"
"That's not true! I loved you Emily! I still love you!"
Suddenly Reid jerks awake feeling a firm grip on his shoulder and looking over to see Morgan standing next to him, gripping his shoulder with an extremely worried look on his face.
"Sorry for waking you up Morgan, won't happen again," Reid says, trying to avoid the unpleasant conversation that's surely brewing.
"Nuh uh pretty boy you aren't just going back to sleep after that. You need to talk to me about what's going on. Cuz you are clearly not okay. I just had to make sure the rest of the team didn't come kick down the door because of how loud you were screaming. Reid we are all worried about you," Morgan says with the worry seeping into his voice.
"Morgan it was just a bad dream," Reid starts unconvincingly,"and I'm tired and want to go back to sleep. Please just drop it." He finishes and turns off the lamp before rolling over to face the other side of the room. Morgan stands there upset and kind of angry at how Reid just completely blew off his offer. Morgan lays back down and quickly messages the rest of the team telling them they need to talk about Reid when they get back.
The following day they fly back to Quantico and that night everyone but Reid meets at Rossi's place to talk.
"It's been like four months since we lost her and Reid has just continued to get worse and worse," Morgan starts,"and I know everyone handles this sort of thing differently. And we all still miss her a lot, cuz I know I sure as hell do. But it's like Reid is trying to let it destroy him at this point. And we've all noticed, I mean hell, he's been going over to JJ's pretty much every night since it happened," Morgan finishes to which JJ nods.
"He almost never does anything with us outside of work anymore either. We all know Reid's never been the most social person but he's always enjoyed doing stuff together with everyone and staying home by himself isn't going to help him mentally or emotionally," Garcia adds.
"I'm worried about Reid too but we can't force him to get help and move on if he doesn't want to. All we can do is be there for him and hope he'll come talk to us," Hotch says, disappointment evident in his voice.
"Ya I get that but Hotch you didn't hear what he was saying that night. I know JJ has described some of how it's gone before but this was worse. The kid was screaming and I'm pretty sure we all know who he saw in that dream. And he kept saying that he loved her. Not an 'I love you' but an 'I love you Emily.' I know it was just a dream but I got a feeling there's something more to it than that," Morgan says.
"That makes me think there's more to their relationship than we knew," he adds.
Everyone is thinking about how the two of them had been acting before her death until Hotch notices that Rossi seems to have figured something out.
"Dave you have something?" Hotch asks as the group turns their focus to Rossi.
"Just that a hunch I had seems to have been confirmed," he starts, and seeing that they aren't completely following what he means yet, adds,"About a month before Emily died I noticed the two of them were acting strangely especially when they were around each other."
"Prentiss and Reid acting strange? That's a first," Morgan interjects which earns small laughs from the group.
"Well from one I noticed and from what Morgan said the kid had been saying, I'm just upset I didn't realize it sooner," Rossi says.
"Realize what?" Morgan asks.
"Prentiss and Reid were together. Romantically," Hotch says, drawing surprised gasps from most of the group.
"So that's why he's been taking it so hard," Morgan says.
"Oh poor Spencer," Garcia says with tears in her eyes.
JJ sits silently, still processing what it means as she and Hotch lock eyes and have the same worried, regretful, and knowing look on their faces. The team stays and talks a bit longer before going home with a new understanding and sadness for Spencer.
Nearly seven months after Emily died, Spencer has gotten the nightmares under control for the most part. He still goes over to JJ's a lot and they talk and he cries but overall it's not nearly as bad as it was. He's talked at least a little bit to members of the team about what he's feeling and tried to do more with the team outside of work again as well. He's happier than he's been in a while and things are going well at the moment. Then they find Doyle and although it's bringing up memories and feelings Spencer and the others tried to bury, although for Spencer it's hard to bury memories with his perfect memory. But the team is ready to bring the bastard to justice after what he did, no matter what. And then Hotch gathers everyone in the briefing room and the world is turned upside down, and Spencer doubts that phrasing sums up what happens.
"Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected this team. As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her and she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under covert exfiltration. Her identity was strictly need-to-know. And she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris, where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security."
As everyone tries to form thoughts and words Garcia asks, "She's alive?"
"But we buried her," Reid says slowly, as so many emotions begin to overtake him.
"As I said I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me," Hotch says.
"Any issues?! Yeah I got issues!" Morgan says, letting the anger seep into his voice. Before anyone can say anything else they hear footsteps coming towards the room, the short silence broken by surprised gasps.