CHAPTER 19: ATTACK OF THE CLONES
If you didn't already know, Tracey and Quattro are the names of Dipper clones 3 and 4. And yes, the name is indeed a reference to Episode II.
By the way, it's finally June. I can now excuse the past tense in this fic. I'm so sorry for not uploading for so dang long, I know that this chapter is pretty monstrous (for my standards, at least) but I procrastinated for far too long on this. I'd say that the next chapter will be out soon, but I don't want to make a promise I'll (probably) break, so…
NEW CHAPTER, OUT IN FOUR MONTHS!
YOU HAVE TO WAIT LIKE THIRTEEN WHOLE WEEKS FOR THE NEXT ONE AND IT'S GOING TO BE 2000 WORDS LONG HAHA GET PUNKED
Also, my monkey brain just realised that line breaks exist.
So yeah, there's that.
It was the middle of the night. Nearly the entire town was fast asleep, and it was dead silent, when a pink portal engulfed the remains of Pacifica's house.
"This is why you don't go for walks at night," Tambry said.
One small axolotl awoke as she floated through her father's dimension. The other two were already dead.
(Also, sorry if the Axolotl acts slightly OOC in this. I have Curse of the Time Pirates' Treasure, but I haven't got to the part where he shows up.)
"You're alive!" The Axolotl exclaimed. "I am… so sorry for leaving you."
"Yes…" she replied weakly. "I'm not sure about the others."
"No, they can't be!" He closed his eyes, and used his mind to reach out to the other two. The Axolotl momentarily froze in horror. "No… they… they're dead. It's all my fault!"
"Don't worry…" his daughter breathed softly. "I'm sure they… already forgave you. I did. You did what you… had to. And so did we."
"No! Don't leave me! Not you as well!"
"I was able to see my father one last time… isn't that enough?"
And she softly shut her eyes and stopped breathing, drifting into an endless sleep.
"No… no…"
The house teleported back to its usual place, as the Axolotl's rage reached a breaking point.
"Cipher…" he snarled. "Where… is… HE?!"
Oo-hoo, Know-it-All is scaring me!
(Also, don't ask how I recorded this tender conversation of two Omniversal gods. I just did.)
2 days later…
"OHMYGODOHMYGOD, Dipper, wake up, it's Summerween!" Mabel shouted as she blasted Spooky Scary Skeletons at full volume on her phone.
Dipper woke up sleepily, as well as Pacifica.
"Mabel, it's the 12th," he told her. "Summerween's 10 days away. Go back to…" he yawned. "bed."
"Yeah, but we have so many mysteries to investigate! Like, how do Soos and Stan both have the same fez, for example? Or, like, what's up with our whole life being a lie and the fact that there is some strange god who has predetermined our whole lives? Ya know, that stuff."
"...What?"
"I'm going back to sleep," Pacifica said.
"Seriously, though," she whispered, pulling Dipper forward, "there's some spooky Ghost Harassers stuff going on with those fezzes."
"Yeah. Sure. I'm going back to sleep. Tell me when someone is plotting against my very existence."
Somewhere in the woods… waiting...
Tracey and Quattro were sitting in their tent, rummaging through the bag that had recently been brought in. It contained a few basic food items, such as bread, three cartons of long-life milk and shaving supplies. It also had a small amount of money Quattro had been forced to pickpocket - they had very little money as they were attempting to hide their existence, and had a small jar of savings in which they had amassed an assortment of coins and dollars. The two's hair was slightly longer than Dipper's, and both had messy beards.
"Finally, Dipper's back in town!" Tracey said.
"We can get to plot against his very existence!" Quattro added.
"So… what do we do?"
"I've heard rumors of a Summerween party, 10 days from now. We just blend in, find Dipper… and make him pay."
A man outside heard that sentence.
"H-Huh? D-Did s-someone ju-just say m-m-my n-name?"
"Calm down, Blendin," Dundgren said on a communication device. "It's fine. Just pick up that ham sandwich from the bush, and it'll be okay."
Blendin searched through the bushes, which were near the tents, looking for a ham sandwich made of brown bread. It took him a few seconds to find it, but eventually did, picking it up and placing it in a plastic bag. Measuring his time tape to 207012, he teleported back to the future.
(Pun not intended.)
"Seriously? Ten whole days?" Tracey asked. "It's been nine years… he's practically at our doorstep, and you want me to wait ten days?!"
"As you said, Tracey," Quattro said, "it's been nine years. We can wait 10 more days… right?"
Tracey crossed his arms and sighed. "Fine… I'll wait…"
13/6/21, 9 DAYS TO SUMMERWEEN…
And before any Americans start having a panic attack over this secret 13th month you've never heard of, it's in DD/MM/YY, because I am a trouser-wearing, crisp-munching, tea-sipping British bloke.
"Hey… hey Dipper…" Mabel said.
"I swear to god, if you say i-"
"Things are gettin' spoopy!"
"WHAT DOES 'SPOOPY' EVEN MEAN, MABEL?!" he shouted. "TELL ME, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!"
"It means…" she whistled, and Waddles came into the room hesitantly. "I turned Waddles into a lil' skeleton!"
She ran over to Waddles and held him up proudly. She had painted his face black with a skull, much to his dismay.
"He does look kinda cute…" Dipper admitted. "But you still haven't told me… what does 'spoopy' mean?"
"I dunno, look it up," she replied. "Google, or whatever weird… 'privacy conscious' browser you use was invented for a reason. I'm a busy woman."
"Busy doing what, exactly?"
"C-College."
"Uh-huh. Sure. Unless you're stuck 5 months in the past, we haven't been doing that for a while now."
"Whatever, I'll get to it eventually!" she said. "Now lemme hug my pig in peace!"
"O-kay then…"
14/5/21, 8 DAYS TO SUMMERWEEN…
I still stand by the fact that DD/MM/YY is the superior format. Fight me irl, argue with me over PMs, tell me that my mum is a 'motley-minded, dankish hugger-mugger', I don't care because I will defend my beliefs no matter what.
"So, what's our plan?" Tracey asked.
"My gut's telling me that Dipper isn't exactly the most stand-out dresser… he'll probably be wearing a suit to the party… grey everything, a grey bowtie, white shirt…" Quattro answered.
"Yeah… and what if your gut is wrong?"
"It's a chance we have to take. To avenge our brothers, to make our lives worthwhile!"
(This is kinda beginning to sound like an episode of The Clone Wars…)
"Do it for them, Tracey." He paused. "Do it for Paper Jam."
"No! NO!" he shouted. "You are NOT bringing HIM into this!"
"You know it's what he would have wanted…"
Tracey sighed. Quattro had defeated him by bringing up Paper Jam Dipper. Was it a cheap, unfair tactic? Yes. Was it effective? Definitely. Would it work no matter what? Absolutely.
"Fine… tell me your plan…" he said eventually.
"So first, we…"
15/6/21, ONE WEEK UNTIL SUMMERWEEN… (AND ALSO THE STANS' BIRTHDAY!)
"Their party's at 6!" Dipper announced.
"Yeah, and what's the ti-"
Pacifica glanced briefly at the touchscreen tablet in her car. The top left corner of it read "5:59".
"Probably shouldn't have asked," she said. "Get ready, we're Tokyo Drifting our way there."
Absolutely flooring it, she drove as fast as possible to the retirement centre.
"No," Durland instructed a police officer who had only recently joined, "the way ya use it is-"
Mid-sentence, Pacifica's car whizzed by, far above the speed limit.
"Eh. Oh well," he said. "We'll get 'em next time!"
Continuing to drive at maximum speed, nearly everyone in the car was absolutely horrified, and Waddles oinked in horror.
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Soos gagged.
"Me… too…" Wendy added.
"I'm not gonna die next to…" Dipper looked out of the window. "Some dead guy's comedy club!"
While everyone else except for Pacifica was utterly mortified, Mabel appeared to be having the time of her life.
"I THRIVE ON SPEED!" she shouted. "KA-CHOW! WOOOO-HOOOO! OTHER GENERIC SPEED NOISE!"
"How are you enjoying this?!" Soos asked.
"Because, my friend," she said, putting her hand on his shoulder, "going fast is one of life's greatest pleas-WHOA!"
The car came to an abrupt stop, just in front of their destination. Parked up near it was a familiar red-and-blue truck with a Transformers logo on it.
"Come on, let's go!" Pacifica urged, pulling the keys out. "We have to run!"
They all got out of the car, rushing towards the entrance. Inside was the same woman as when they last went to meet Stan and Ford..
"There's a birthday party, right?" she asked. "Two old men. One's got six fingers, other one's a less handsome version of him."
"You mean Stan and Ford Pines?"
"Yes, yes, whatever, just let us in."
"Again, you're gonna need to make a-"
Pacifica took out her wallet and put a $20 bill onto her desk.
"Ma'am, I only accept 50 dollars or above if ya wanna bribe me," she told her. "This job's minimum wage and I like money, so…"
She slammed an additional $50 on her desk.
"KEEP THE CHANGE, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL."
"O...kay then. Take two lefts, it'll be the first door in the hall…"
"Pleasure doing business with you."
They continued through the door, taking the instructions the woman had given them.
"Pacif-"
"Paz."
"Paz, how much money do you have in your wallet?" Wendy asked.
"More money than I need."
Soon, they had found the door she was talking about. They rushed through, to see that the party had already begun.
"-appy birthday to y-"
Everyone in the room stared at them. There was a table where everyone was gathered around, with a cake on it. Everyone was wearing party hats.
"Kids!" Stan said. "Glad ya made it! Just, uh… sit down!"
They all took a seat from a corner of the room and sat down. It was awkwardly silent for a few seconds, but soon they had blown out the candles, cut the cake, and were eating.
"Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot to ask," Mabel said with her mouth full, "which one of you is older?"
"Me," Ford answered. "By 15 minutes."
"And he gets a middle name, just because he was born slightly before me!" Stan added.
"Wait, so am I! Alpha twin, alpha twin, alpha twin!"
Ford joined in the chant, as the younger twins watched on in annoyance.
"Don't worry dudes," Soos said, "I got your backs."
"Yeah!" McGucket added. "Us younger siblings get it hard!"
The two older twins stopped chanting.
"Ah… superiority over your beta siblings is fun!" Mabel said. "Hey guys, get over here! Birthday boys selfie!"
The two pairs of twins, Wendy, Soos, Pacifica and McGucket all gathered around for a selfie.
"Wait, we don't have a selfie stick," Pacifica pointed out. How do we fit everyone in?"
"That's where this comes in." He picked up a dark grey device from a bed table. "Stanley, do you mind using it? I'm… no good with phones."
"Gee, and I thought he was the smart one," Stan said. "Whatever ya say, Sixer."
He pressed a black button on it, and the device emitted an incredibly high-pitched noise - so high-pitched that unless you were a nine year-old, you likely wouldn't be able to hear it. A glowing orange figure in the silhouette of Stan appeared in front of him, which eventually began to dim and dim and dim, until it looked exactly the same as him.
"Oh, he-llo handsome!" Stan exclaimed.
"No, you're handsome!" the clone replied, waggling his eyebrows.
"No, YOU'RE han-"
"Enough, Stanleys!" Ford said. .Anyways, take this phone and take a picture of us. That's your whole purpose in existence."
"Your wish is my command!"
He stepped back and waited for everyone to get into position again.
"Say cheese!"
"Cheeeeeeeeese!" everyone called back in unison.
16/6/21, 6 DAYS TO SUMMERWEEN (LESS THAN A WEEK, THINGS ARE WELL AND TRULY GETTING SPOOPY)...
Tracey and Quattro had shaved their beards, as well as cut their hair. The two looked nearly identical to Dipper, except for their hair being slightly different.
"We should be ready now," Quattro said, sitting in the tent.
He looked at their jar of savings - most money was either pickpocketed or found randomly on the street. They had been saving it for a very special occasion, and he thought that this was one such 'special occasion'. Reluctantly emptying it into his pockets (they had been saving it for 9 years, after all) he called out for Tracey, zipped up his raincoat and walked out to town.
The two clones walked out, with all of their clothing. They were fully prepared for the party - all that was left was just to hope Dipper would be wearing the same clothes.
"Hmm? Do you think this looks good on me?" Dipper asked, trying on a grey blazer.
"Very fancy. Or at least as fancy as random suits from the store go…" Pacifica replied. "It's better than whatever… pink one you were wearing before."
"Well, whatever you say. We'll get these then."
They took the clothes and bought them.
"Strange…" the cashier said. "There were two twins here just a few seconds ago - looked just like you." He pointed at Dipper. "Bought the same stuff as well."
Dipper and Pacifica looked at each other in confusion and concern.
"Please don't tell me you ended up cloning yourself at some point," she whispered.
17/6/21, 5 DAYS TO SUMMERWEEN…
Soos was snoring, deep in sleep, when a light shone on him and he woke up lazily.
"Uh… what is that li-wait… where am I?!"
Out of the shadows, Mabel walked up to him menacingly.
"Mabel! Wh-what's up?"
"Silence, Jesús!" she snapped. "I'll be the one asking questions here."
"What do you know?" he asked.
"SILENCE!" She leaned in, directly towards his face. "Now… wait, buddy, do you need sleep? Your bags have bags…"
"Probably because you're interrogating me in the middle of the night…"
"Eh, oh well. Now, how do you and Stan have the EXACT SAME FEZ?!" she shouted, leaning in directly towards his face.
"Uh… THE DARK ARTS!" he exclaimed.
Mabel stood leaning in for a moment, then pulled back, putting her arms behind her back.
"Hm… that checks out. You're free to go."
"If you really wanna know, I just took one," he clarified. "After… the whole… y'know, Mayor Cutebiker sponsored a thing the Mystery Shack did, where we sold items related to the "town heroes". The fez was one of them, so I just took a new one and gave the old one back."
"Huh. Cool story. Anyways, go back to bed!"
18/6/21, 4 DAYS TO SUMMERWEEN…
Tracey drank a very small sip of rainwater he had collected in a cup. While fluid in concentrations that were too high would kill the two clones, if they took small sips of it they wouldn't die. They could also survive in very light drizzles, and often used them to wash themselves.
"Okay… so would you rather… eat a tarantula, or cuddle with a rabies-infested orangutan?" Quattro asked.
"The first one," Tracey replied. "It's… really bad, but if I do the second one I get rabies. The first one? Eh, just maybe some permanent emotional scars."
"Fair. Your turn."
"Uh…"
19/6/21, 3 DAYS TO SUMMERWEEN…
Dipper stood in front of a camera held by Mabel.
"Everything ready?" he asked.
"Everything ready!" she replied. "Lights, camera, action!"
"Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexpla- no, Paz, you stand there!"
cut
"Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained. Today we'll be investigating anomaly #6900… the tree monster of the shadows! I'll be joined today by Pacifica Northwest," he said as Pacifica walked in, "- my girlfriend, very normal person, Wendy's employee and rich girl archetype."
"Hey!"
cut
"Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained." (Yada yada yada, you get the point.)
"…now, I'm a professional paranormal investigator-"
"Really?" Mabel asked, behind the camera. "I thought you were a professional Netflix watcher!"
"MABEL!"
cut
"…now, I'm a professional paranormal investigator, and I've heard of this creature many times before, but I've never actually investigated it. His name… Steve," he said in a dramatic voice.
Pacifica let out a small giggle.
"Ahem… cue the interviews!"
cut
The camera was now in front of Ford, as Dipper held a piece of cardboard up saying "DR. STANFORD FILBRICK PINES".
"Oh, Steve? Ah, I remember that guy. First thing that happened when I came to this town was him eating my car. Good times…"
"Now, what would you say Steve looked like?"
"I've never seen his full body," Ford explained. "All I know is that he has wooden limbs, just as big as a tree."
"Okay. Thanks for your time!"
"YOU'RE THE BEST, GRUNKLE FORD!" Mabel shouted from a distance.
cut
"Steve?" an ageing Bud Gleeful asked. "Oh, ya mean the big wood monster! Yeah, he's been a real pain in our backside for years! Been eatin' all our products."
A loud rumbling noise came from somewhere behind the car dealership, and a crashing noise.
"Oh no! That's him!" He ran away, but stopped for a moment. "And if you wanna lure him out, he loves stuff made by… Nestlé as well, for some reason. Bye!"
Dipper turned the camera back around. "Truly a despicable being... and an oddly specific one, too. We'll have to buy something, then." He turned around. "Paz, do you mind paying?"
cut
"I believe we've tracked Steve down," Dipper announced to the camera, standing in a circular clearing in the middle of the forest. "Here, I have some Hot Pockets. I'm gonna place them down on the ground, and we'll see if Steve comes out. Paz, hold the camera, please."
He handed her the camera, and placed the packet of Hot Pockets in the middle of the clearing.
"Any second n-"
A giant wooden hand knocked him onto the ground, taking the Hot Pockets with it.
"Ouch…" he moaned. "Paz… go… after him… I have this weird… gnome drink… I'll be fine…"
She nodded, running into the woods with the camera. Looking around through the trees, she found nothing but even more trees.
"Where'd it go?" she said to herself. "It's-it's gone…"
She turned the camera around to face herself.
"That concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained… whatever number it was… I'm gonna go home now…"
20/6/21, 2 DAYS TO SUMMERWEEN…
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with… T?"
"Is it me?" Tracey asked.
"No, you narcissist! It's trees."
"Oooooohhh, okay…" They sat there in awkward silence for a few seconds.
"We're really bored, aren't we?"
"Yeah," Tracey agreed.
21/6/21, A DAY TO SUMMERWEEN!
"6:22… 6:22…" Mabel repeated, lying stomach-down, bored out of her mind on the carpet. "Ooh, 6:23! Progress!"
"Mabel…" he took a long sip of a can of Pitt Cola. "It's literally a Walmart knock-off Halloween. It's not that exciting."
"Oh well," she sighed. "You'll understand when you're older."
"That only worked when we were kids!"
"Whatever ya say, little brother," Mabel said, sitting up. "I'm gonna treat myself to the leftover watermelon from the Jack-o-melons we made, then watch the very worst of the horror movies the public access TV of this town has."
"And laugh at how bad it all is? Sounds like a great idea to me!"
22/6/21 - THE DAY IS FINALLY HERE! TOOK ME 3000 WORDS…
"Hey Dipper!" Mabel shouted. "The party's in twenty minutes! You should probably get ready!"
"What do you think I'm doing?" he yelled back from another room, trying to tie his bowtie. "This collar's strangling me!"
"Hey, I'm done!" Pacifica entered the room. "And… that is not how you tie a tie…"
"Oh, Paz! Hiii! Nice dress! You know, I never noticed, but your hair looks very naturally blonde, hehe!"
"Are those genuine compliments or do you just want me to tie your tie?"
"…B-Both."
"Your wish is my command!"
"Whoa…" Mabel said, looking around the room the party was taking place in. "Why the heck does this place have such a giant sports hall?!"
"This school's budget is just weird," Wendy replied. "And maybe, just maybe they should try investing in cleaning the bathrooms! Dumb teenagers keep on throwing wet toilet paper at the wall! It's probably still there!"
The party took place in Gravity Falls High School's sports hall, with spooky decorations and Jack-o-melons dotted around the room. Most of the kids had dressed up in Halloween (or Summerween) costumes, whereas the adults and older teenagers wore more formal wear. Up on a large pile of gymnastics mats, Mayor Cutebiker operated a DJ deck, with two massive speakers attached to it.
"Is this thing on?" He tapped the microphone, resulting in a very loud noise that caused everyone in the room to cover their ears. "Okay, good. Now, who's ready to get this party started?!"
His question was met with a chorus of cheers by everyone.
"YEAH!" he shouted. "Hm… okay… how do you use this thing…" he said in a quiet voice.
(Okay, spoiler alert I guess, but in this next scene he'll accidentally play a bunch of different songs. The first person who manages to correctly guess each and every song will be awarded with a one-shot of their choice. Of course, there's problems with fandoms, but I'm in a nigh-uncountable number of them, so if you ask for one there's a decent-ish chance I may be in that fandom. I'll give hints, as well as one extra small snippet of the song, so good luck!
Also, I'm definitely not doing this because I'm very bored. No, just because I'm the nicest person on the planet, easily.)
The mayor pressed a button, and a song began to play in Japanese.
"Nande aitsura wa pinku? Doubutsu-en de omou to pinku. Tabemono de, sou nanda-"
"Heh, don't-don't know where that one came from…"
(Hint: You've listened to this song at least once in your life. It's basically a metaphor for how what race you are doesn't matter.
Lyric: "You don't need to change, it's boring being the same…")
"Uhh…"
He pressed another button, and a different song started to play.
"We come from the land of ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs blo-"
"Just… bear with me, folks!"
(Hint: The worst Shrek movie. Also Thor: Ragnarök.
Lyric: AA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAA…. AA-AAAAAAAAA-AAAAA)
"Okay… one more try…"
He pressed yet another button, and it played a typical 70s disco song.
"Ooo-ooh, ooo-ooh!"
"Now THIS is a classic! Get partyin', everyone!"
"Haha, Dipper used to listen to this when we were kids!"
"NOT. ANOTHER. WORD," Dipper growled.
(No hint for this song because the above is already a giant one.)
"Okay… are you ready?" Quattro asked in a dimly lit corner of a hallway far away from the centre of the party, putting on a small, black earpiece.
"Ready," Tracey replied, putting one on as well.
"We'll communicate with these. There's a button on your earpiece. Press it."
Tracey did as he was instructed, and Quattro pressed the button as well.
"Now, you should hear an echo of what I am saying."
"Wonders of modern technology, I guess…" Tracey said.
"Now… It's time to get revenge on Dipper. Let's go!"
"I'll have a, uh… a scotch," Dipper requested. "On the rocks… or whatever "with ice" is."
"I didn't take you for the scotch type," Pacifica said. "Or really… the type for any alcohol."
"Well, you thought wrong." The bartender handed him a whiskey glass filled with scotch and a couple ice cubes. "I love a good scotch." Dipper took a sip of the drink, his face momentarily twisting in disgust, but soon shifting back to a forced smile. "Ah… Refreshing. I sure do love that… unmistakable taste of liver damage! Mmmm…"
Pacifica laughed heartily. "You sure you don't need a can of Coke?"
"Wha-ha-haaaaat? Psh, nah, I could only have my Coke with some good old Jack Dani-PLEASE YES."
"Oh, hey Wendy!" Stan said. "What're the odds of, uh… bumpin' into you?"
"Uh, hi Stan. Where's Ford?"
"I dunno… Poindexter's probably off being a poindexter, or something. Look, I uh… don't know why I came here. Ford insisted on coming for some reason. And I'm real bored, so I took this from him."
Stan took a small-ish object from the back pocket of his trousers (or pants as Americans call it), handing it to Wendy. It was a white, presumably plastic cylinder with a long, thick slit on its side.
"Wha-what am I supposed to do with this?" she asked.
"There's gonna be a little something in there," Stan answered. "Just… ya gotta pull it out. Y'know really reach into it. Like your… phone fell into some… bedbug-filled crevice of a couch, or something."
"You're not helping," Wendy told him.
"Eh. Fair."
It took some effort and time, but eventually she pulled… something out. It looked like a thick glass pane that was surprisingly clean, with not even a speck of dust or a single fingerprint on it. It curved downwards at its end, presumably to help with getting it out. As she lifted her fingers off of the curve of the glass, she noticed that her fingerprints disappeared.
"Whoa…" she said.
"And now, we go to the bar."
"Wait-wait-wait, WHAT?! Oh no…"
Tracey and Quattro had successfully blended into the party. Tracey had some water he had added purple colouring to, to disguise it as wine.
"Dipper!" Pacifica exclaimed. "I thought you didn't like alcohol."
"Well, Pacifica, you thought wrong," he replied.
"I thought we established that you should call me Paz…"
"Oh, uh… sorry, Paz."
"Don't worry, ya dork." She punched Tracey's arm, chastely kissing him. His cheeks turned a bright pink.
"I need to, uh… go to the bathroom," he said.
He power-walked away from him, and pressed the button on his earpiece.
"Quatt, we uh… have a problem."
"What is it?" he asked.
"Yeah so, uh, I think Pacifica likes Dipper now…"
"She likes Dipper? Perfect! We can kidnap her, and use her as a trap for Dipper, then kill him! Easy!'
"Wait, KILL?!" Tracey asked in disbelief. One woman who was walking by gave him a strange look.
"Don't take it out of context!" he whispered. "Anyways, I thought we were just… teaching him a lesson, or something."
"Dipper's a serial killer, okay?" Quattro told him. "He killed ten children."
"Quatt, I'm the older clone here, and I'm telling you; we're NOT killing Dipper."
"Oh, so you're turning on me?" he accused. "Okay. I'll just go with Plan B then…"
And Quattro hung up.
"Quatt? QUATTRO!"
No response.
"Ugh, dammit…"
"Hey Paz, what's up?" Dipper asked from behind her, still holding his glass of scotch, making her jump in surprise.
"Dipper… but… I just saw you walking over there…"
"Jeez, you sure you're not drunk?!"
"So, how's your engagement with Marius been goin'?" Mabel asked.
"I mean… Like I said, he's sorta clingy, but I still love him. He always asks me to fly out to Austria even if he's the multi-millionaire."
"Aw… I wish I could have the same luck with boys as you," she lamented. What about you, Candy?"
"Well… I used to chase after boys so much, I got sick of them. I like women more now!"
"Cool! Any luck with girls, then?"
"Yes, actually. I met someone called Lucy… she's awesome!"
"Well, maybe you might have some luck with boys now…" a voice behind her said, tapping Mabel's shoulder.
She instantly recognised that voice - even if it was much deeper than when she had last heard it almost a decade ago. Mabel instinctively looked downwards, but was barely surprised to see that the person behind her had grown to be much taller than when she had last seen him.
"Gideon," she hissed.
"Happy ta see me?"
"Honestly, no," she answered. I feel like more of a **** stuck in a *****'s ****** that was being **** on by a ******…"
"Uh…"
"…***********."
"O-kay then…?"
"I did not know that a human could put that many swear words into one sentence…" Grenda responded in awe. "Also, Gideon, since when were you around here? And why are you hot?"
"Grenda, you are engaged," Candy told her.
"Oh yeah…"
It was true - for the past few years, Gideon had lived in his home town in southern West Virginia with his mum after Bud and her had divorced. He had cut his hair to a much more normal size, and he was quite muscular and surprisingly tall. He definitely looked like one of those people that puberty was kind to.
"Gideon, just because you're admittedly hot all of a sudden, do you really expect me to date you? I'm shallow but not THAT shallow!"
"Wait, you think I'm hot?"
"UNRELATED!" Mabel shouted. The point is, I don't want to date you, and never will. End of discussion! Come on girls, we have better things to do."
"WAIT! At least… Let me get you a few drinks!"
"Last I checked, Gideon was underage," Grenda pointed out.
"Argh, darn it! I'll be back!"
Gideon stormed off, walking through one of the doors to the hallway. However, he didn't make it much further than the door, as he was hit on the side of his stomach with some plastic knuckle-dusters by Quattro.
"Dammit, who was that?" He looked up, holding where he had been hit. "Dipper? What the he-"
"Shut up!" he hissed through gritted teeth. "I am NOT Dipper!"
"Ha-ha, really? Who are you, then?"
That's when it hit Quattro; maybe he could use Gideon's obliviousness to him being a clone to his advantage…
"I'm… just kidding! What's up… Gi-Gydeon? Giddon?"
"It's Gideon," he clarified.
"Ah. Gideon. What's… what's poppin', Gideon?"
"Well, I just moved back here from Anawalt for the summer, and-"
"Yeah, Gideon, I didn't ask for your entire life story, okay?"
"You did, though…" he said. "And what was up with the brass knuckles?"
"Uh… no comment. Anyways, are you still all… heart eyes over Mabel?"
"I… yeah. She's a nice girl, okay? She's beautiful, she's kind… she's awesome."
"Look, I might be able to butter her up for you. I just need one tiny thing in exchange."
"I'LL DO ANYTHING!" Gideon pleaded. "What is it?"
"Just tell her and Pacifica that Dipper wants to meet them in the…" he thought for a moment. "Science classroom, I guess?"
"Okay!" A broad grin appeared on his face that really made him live up to his surname. "Do ya need directions? I haven't been here for a few years, but I think I know where the Science classroom is."
"Absolutely. Please do."
Stan and Wendy had sat down at the bar - having already opened a tab with the bartender, they were almost ready…
"Stan, you still haven't told me what this thing even is."
"Relax, it's not like the world's gonna end if I don't tell you immediately," he assured her. "It's just a little ol' drinking game…"
"That's what I'm worried about! Is this just a tame, just-a-few-drinks one, or am I gonna be driving to the hospital in the next five minutes?"
"Uh… the first one."
Wendy crossed her arms, giving him a doubtful look.
"What? I've been sober ever since… what, March of '83? I deserve this."
"Whoa, 1983?!" Wendy asked in disbelief. "You've been sober since before Return of the Jedi came out, Stan. You really wanna give up on that?"
Stan thought for a moment. "On second thought… I ABSOLUTELY DO! BARTENDER, GIMME A SHOT OF THE CHEAPEST BEER YA GOT!"
The bartender took a shot glass with the cheapest bottle of whiskey they had, and filled with their very cheapest whiskey they had.
"Here ya go," the bartender said. "Costs $1. The very worst we have to offer."
"Ah, just how I like it!" He drank the shot in one gulp. The fact that it was only a dollar really showed - it tasted terrible. "Ah, the nostalgia… crippling debt… a claustrophobic apartment… no friends… on the verge of suicide…"
"Whoa, Stan… do you need a moment?"
"NOPE!" he answered. "I am MENTALLY OKAY! Anyways, time for the details of this game…"
"Press the button on the top, and then it displays a bunch of text that is a… record of Ford's criminal history?" Wendy guessed.
"Yeah, but what's the aim?"
"You try to guess one of his…" She scrolled through the list - it was… extensive, to say the least. "many crimes, and each time you guess correctly, you take a shot."
"Wow… you're good at this. Anyways, on with the game!" He thought for a moment. "Thievery!"
When Stan said that, the list of Ford's crimes scrolled automatically downwards to "THIEVERY AGAINST THE NOBLES OF DIMENSION 68;\\".
"Yep," Wendy said.
"Oh yeah! Bar guy, gimme more of the cheap stuff!"
2 more drinks later…
"Talking trash about the feudal system!"
"Uh-huh."
4 more drinks later…
"LEADING A REBELLION!" Stan shouted.
"Ye-wait, whoa, Ford's cool…"
8 more drinks later…
"…Seducing… an… otter…"
"Somehow, yes!"
"Hey… bar guy… put more of the stuff in the thing that more stuff goes in…" he said drunkenly.
"I don't think that's a good idea," he replied.
"Neither do I," Wendy added.
"DO IT!"
"Your funeral…"
"Ey, you talkin'a me?" he asked, his New Jersey accent shining through.
He poured some beer into a shot glass and gave it to him, when Ford came out of the crowd, approaching them.
"Stan, what's this about you marrying a… novelty dispenser called Goldie under MY name?! And where's Soos? I've been meaning to ask him something."
"Number one, it was true love and it was beautiful, you can't stop that. Secondly… I dunno."
"Do you know how it feels to have been happily married to a novelty dispenser for NINE YEARS without even knowi…" That's when he noticed what Wendy was holding.
"What?" Stan asked.
"How did you get that? What have you been doing?!"
"I… may or may have not been… listing each one of your crimes and each time I do, I take a shot…"
"For how long?"
"Around…" Wendy checked her watch. "Six minutes."
"MY GOD STANLEY, you know how many crimes I've committed! How drunk are you?"
"Yes."
"What?"
"YES."
Ford sighed. "I'm so sorry about all this, Wendy. We'll just go now. Come on, Stanley."
"Just one mORE," he requested.
"Absolutely not! You'll make your hangover worse than it will be!"
"Wait, hangovers? I forgot about them…"
Helping the very drunk Stan to walk by putting his hand over his shoulder, Ford went to find a suitable place for him to sit and rest.
Having taken three copies of a map of the school from a receptionist who was still sitting at her desk and sadly waiting through the party, and marked each with an X on the sports hall and Science classroom, all Quattro needed to do now was convince Mabel and Pacifica to go there, and he'd have the perfect trap for Dipper. He decided to go for Mabel first. And he was successful. He told her that Gideon was worth another shot and that he would be waiting in the Science room in 15 minutes, with Pacifica there just in case he tried something. With her fully ready to go, now Pacifica needed to be coaxed into coming - the only problem would be finding an opening where she wouldn't be with Dipper… which, soon enough, he did.
"Hey, I need to go to the toilet," Dipper said, "I'll be right back."
As soon as he was gone, Quattro made a move and stepped towards Pacifica.
"Surprise! I managed to go to the toilet in three seconds!"
"What kind of MAGIC is this?!" she asked jokingly.
"The dark kind," he answered. "Listen, uh, Gideon's trying to woo Mabel, and I need you to… overlook that whole situation for me, in case he tries anything."
"Why can't you do it?"
"Uhh…" He couldn't find an excuse. "Because I'm… helping Ford with a research project."
She looked at Quattro, almost as if she didn't believe him. "Okay!" she said eventually. "Seriously though, how did you get back here so quickly?"
"Great!" He grinned, trying to push back the more maniacal part of it. "Here's a map. They'll be at the X in about 12 minutes. And remember… the greatest magicians never reveal their secrets."
He strode away victoriously. He had done a lot of the work, but now he just needed to set up his trap…
Quattro stood quietly in the pitch-black room. He had managed to hastily pull together a plan to trap Mabel and Pacifica, ignoring the many times Tracey tried to call him - in his eyes, he was a traitor who wasn't willing to do what was needed for justice. For a fleeting moment, Quattro wondered if perhaps he was being too harsh, but eventually decided that he wasn't. He'd have to do this by himself if Tracey wasn't going to fully cooperate.
Quattro's plan was relatively simple; brag to Tracey about how great his plan is, then get them to walk in, punch them with his knuckledusters - not hard enough that they suffer heavy injuries, but enough that they would be knocked unconscious. After, he would tie them to a chair with some rope that was in a cabinet for some reason, and cover their mouths with some spare duct tape he also found so that they couldn't scream and alert some passerby.
Does that reason happen to be plot convenience?
Finally, he would take Pacifica's phone (as it would be likely to be nicer than Mabel's), and call Dipper, telling him to come to the Science room, where he would fight him and defeat him. He had about two minutes or so until he estimated either Mabel or Pacifica to arrive, which he would use to brag about his incredible foolproof plan. He called Tracey, and he picked up near instantly.
"Quatt!" he exclaimed. "I've been trying to get to you for forever! Changed your mind yet?"
"Nope, I haven't. In fact, you'll see how wrong you were. My plan is perfect. I'll finish Dipper off and his friends. Are ya gonna join me?"
"No, Quatt! This is crazy! Just tell me where you a-"
Quattro hung up.
"Quatt? Not again…"
Tracey ran off in an attempt to find his brother.
Feeling smug and accomplished, he believed that he was completely ready for what was coming, however he found himself caught off-guard by Pacifica opening the door.
"Hm, no one's here yet," she said to herself. Soon she found herself to be completely wrong, as a flurry of loud footsteps ran towards her too fast for her to react, and the next thing she knew after the incredible stinging pain in her stomach was that she was tied to a chair. She could hear the breathing of two others but didn't know who those people were until the lights were turned on.
"Mabel? Dipper?!" she asked in disbelief, her voice much more muffled by the duct tape than that.
"What the HECK are you doing, Dipper?" Mabel added, her voice also much less clear than that.
"Before you ask, no, I'm not Dipper," Quattro told them. "I'd say I fit the "evil clone" archetype, if you could really call me evil. You see, nine years ago, Dipp-"
Mabel shouted two simple syllables at him, which he took simply as a "SHUT UP." He did often have a habit of going on tangents while talking, after all.
"Okay, let's cut to the chase. Pacifica, I need your phone's passcode." He held up the phone, which he had taken from her while she was unconscious.
She exclaimed in rejection.
"Give it to me," he snarled. "NOW."
Pacifica shook her head again. He'd have to try more… drastic measures to get it.
"I think you've made friends with my brass knuckles here." He pulled his blazer, revealing his knuckledusters. They were a peach colour, and despite being plastic, they were still deadly. "They want to play again… but not with you." Quattro moved towards Mabel and slipped them onto his right hand. "You're a good person, right? And good people wouldn't want bystanders to get hurt."
Pacifica's eyes widened in realisation as to what he was going to do.
"Just tell me what it is, and Mabel's jaw here might just get away unharmed."
All throughout, Mabel was trying to hide her fear and out on as much of a poker face as possible. It was, admittedly, a terrifying situation, she thought, but she had been through far worse things. Pacifica, on the other hand, was horrified. She was shouting garbled shouts at Quattro, seemingly saying to him that she would tell him, and was far more scared and concerned than her.
"Okay… good!" He ripped off the duct tape (which hurt a lot), and Pacifica gasped several times.
"Well…" He clicked his fingers in front of her face. "What is it?"
"One-one, two-two, three-three," she told him.
Quattro blinked at her slowly. "You love your privacy, don'cha? Oh well, I'm in, and that's what matte-oops, wrong app…' His eyes narrowed. "You have eighty Google Docs of different Anakin/Obi-Wan fanfictions?!"
"I… have no excuse."
"That's beside the point, anyway. All I need to do now is send Dipper the text."
"Trust me, he'll easily defeat y-" Quattro put another piece of duct tape over her mouth, as he typed out and sent him a text.
Dipper felt a vibration in his pocket, and checked his phone. He saw a very alarming text message.
"I have your friends, Mabel and Pacifica. Come to the science lab if you want to see them again."
He wasn't particularly scared.
"Okay, cool"
"Do you this is a joke? Because it isn't."
"Oh, I meant "do you THINK". Sorry."
"You can't be menacing with grammar like that"
"I'm being SERIOUS here," he told him, pressing the uppercase button for each individual letter of 'serious'. "I'll just call you."
"Uh…" he looked around the screen, until he found a symbol in the top-right corner that looked like a telephone. "Ah. This is the one, right?" he asked Pacifica, pointing at the symbol. She nodded. "Good, this should do it then." Quattro pressed it and waited for a few seconds, before Dipper picked up.
"Paz, seriously. They started playing Top 40s music, you know I'm allergic to anything that's popular," he said jokingly.
"Yeah, her and Mabel are kind of… occupied with being kidnapped and stuff."
"What the-who are you?!
"Do you remember your plan to impress Wendy at that party, and when you made a bunch of different clones of you to help to help with that?"
Dipper thought for a moment. "...Honestly, no."
"Well, I do. You sent two clones to steal Robbie's bike, and then while we were being chased by him, you murdered the rest in cold blood!" he accused. "Even poor Paper Jam couldn't escape your atrocities!"
"Oh yeah, I remember old Paper Jam Dipper. He was cool."
"You know what's not 'cOoL'? Murdering a disabled child! Now get over here. You have six minutes. If you don't show up by then, I'll beat these two dead. Or, at least as close to dead as I can."
"DEAD?! That's it, I'm coming for you, now!"
"Bring it on!" He turned back around to face his captives. "So, uh… lovely weather we're having, huh?"
Gideon was standing in the hallway, lonely, when Dipper rushed by.
"Hey, have you talked to Mabel ye-"
"No time, Gideon, we need to save Mabel and Paz."
"Paz?" Gideon asked.
"Pacifica," he clarified. "Some… clone of me has kidnapped them and is threatening to kill them if we don't get there. He's gotta be around here somewhere, I know it…"
"Wait, I know where they are. I think that he tricked me into thinking he was you."
"Really? Thanks. You've changed a lot," Dipper said as they turned around and he followed Gideon.
"Nine years does things to a guy. And you're way more forgiving than Mabel."
"Yeah, she tends to hold grudges," he agreed. "So what have ya been doing these years?"
"Oh, well, Mom and Dad divorced when I was only twelve, and she took me home to Anawalt in West Virginia-"
"So those country roads took you home?"
"It wasn't the place I belonged, but yeah. I came back to Oregon for college and decided to stay for the summer. How about you?"
"Well, I was, y'know… fighting the forces of evil, and stuff. I was studying chemical engineering at Caltech, but I… y'know… dropped out."
"CALTECH?!" Gideon exclaimed. "Chemical engi-Dipper, you were studying CHEMICAL ENGINEERING at CALTECH. Why would you DROP OUT?!"
"I… I dunno. Mabel and I made this company to help people with paranormal stuff. Life's all about the Benjamin, ya know?"
"Yeah, but you had a chance to study one of the hardest subjects at one of the best colleges in the country, and you threw that away…"
"I-" Dipper sighed; he was defeated. At this point, he was seriously reconsidering what he had done. He made a mistake — a huge mistake no less. But none of that mattered right now, because they had reached the room.
"Ready to fight?" Dipper asked.
"Fight? Oh…"
Dipper opened the door. He was greeted by Quattro, standing completely still with Pacifica and Mabel sitting behind him,
"Long time no see, Pine Tree…"