Hi everyone! I'm back with a new multichaptered fic for your reading pleasure.
I hate that my trigger warning is basically going to give the plot away. UGH this is what I get for fulfilling a moral obligation lol.
Trigger warning for graphic depiction of miscarriage. You've been warned.
There are moments that the words don't reach.
There is suffering too terrible to name.
You hold your child as tight as you can.
And push away the unimaginable.
Hange shakes her bottle of antacids before popping another one into her mouth. She grimaces at the chalky texture, but braves through. At least the mint flavor gives her a momentary break from the queasiness. That's been a nonstop issue for her since the start of this week.
That's what she gets for eating shitty food all last week. Her body is punishing her for filling it with awful nourishment. Another wave of nausea washes over her and she quickly chomps down on another antacid. The bottle said 8 was the most that should be taken in a single day. She just took number 12, so …
It'll pass. Hange has had the stomach bug before. This is no different. It's just that spring is here and her experiments are resuming. So she doesn't really have time to be sick.
"Squad Leader?" Armin approaches Hange when she plops down onto the grass, rubbing small circles on her chest. All those antacids and she still has fucking heartburn.
"Are you alright?"
Hange groans. "Huh? Yeah I'm fine. Just a stomach bug."
The small blond attempts to offer his assistance. "Can I get you anything? Some cool water? A towel?"
Hange grins up at him. "Actually cold water would be great."
Armin sheds his jacket and balls it up before handing it to her. "Here,Maybe lie down for a few minutes."
Hange appreciates how thoughtful he's being. She takes the jacket and puts it under her head while resting her forearm over her eyes. It does feel a little better lying in this position. But only just so. She hasn't thrown up yet, but the horrible cramps that come with the stomach flu are hitting her. Her gut is dooing literal somersaults now. This is turning into the worst bug she's ever had.
Of course, there's a slim possibility that it's something completely different making her this sick. Hange is a realist though. She's not getting her hopes up just because of a sour stomach.
However, she will definitely put in a special request when the next medical supply shipment comes in.
"Hey, big brother!" Ina runs into Armin as he makes his way back to the training grounds with a canteen filled with cold water for the Squad Leader.
Armin smiles at Ina, but keeps walking. "How's it going, Munchkin?"
The small child shrugs. "Fine I guess."
"You guess?"
"Well everyone's just so busy. I don't want to bother anyone. I know your work is important."
Armin feels for her. It can't be easy being the only kid in a place such as this.
"Aw, I'm sorry, Ina. I know it can't be very fun feeling like there's not much you can do."
"No, it's not that. I don't mind being alone. But sometimes I just get-"
"Bored?"
"Yeah. But it's okay. The weather is nicer again so maybe I'll go watch Mama work."
"Speak of the Devil. I'm about to go back to see her right now. Let's go." Armin holds his hand out and Ina willingly takes it.
"I brought your water and a little surprise." Armin walks up to where Hange is still resting with her arm over her eyes.
Hange moves her arm. "Cupcake!" Her tone is excited but she sounds completely drained. She sits up and takes the canteen that was offered to her.
"Hi, mama. Are you okay?"
Ina notices the sheen of sweat on her mother's forehead. She sits down and feels Mama's cheek and forehead with the back of her hand. Her eyebrows knit together with concern.
"You feel warm. Maybe you should go inside and rest."
Hange takes Ina's hand and kisses it. "No, babycakes I have work to do."
Ina won't take no for an answer. "You can't be productive if you feel like garbage, right?"
"Squad leader I think she's right. I can finish conducting the day's experiments and take notes for you."
"You guys, honestly I think I'm okay. It's just the stomach flu. I've worked through worse."
The headstrong little girl crosses her arms and shifts her weight to her left side. "Do you want me to go get Papa?"
"Don't you do that." Hange points at Ina. "You know he worries like an old lady."
"Mama, you're sick. A few hours in the infirmary won't kill you."
Hange groans again as she gives in. "Don't tell your father."
Of course her entire body wants nothing more than to curl into a ball in front of the toilet and sweat this flu out. There's just so much to do. So many things that require her attention.
"I won't. You know I can keep a secret. Come on, I'll make you some tea for your tummy."
Ina moves to help Hange up off the ground.
Hange pauses for a moment to bark out orders. "Armin I want a detailed report. Document everything."
Armin straightens his posture and salutes. "Yes, squad leader. Everything. I got it."
"Aah!" Hange all but shrieks when she tries to stand. Falling to her knees.
"Mama!" Ina shouts.
"I'm alright! It's just-" Hange doubles over and cries out again.
"Big brother help me get her to the infirmary." Ina takes her mother's arm.
"No…" Hange mumbles and blindly swats the concerned hands away.
"Let's go squad leader." Armin pulls Hange to her feet.
Ina takes the jacket that was sitting on the grass and proceeds to tie it around Hange's waist. Neither Armin nor Hange understand why, but choose not to address it. They obviously don't have the time. Armin doesn't want anymore unnecessary attention drawn to the squad leader right now.
Once in the infirmary Hange just barely makes it to a bed. The aides rush to assist but she nearly bites their heads off.
"Get the fuck away from me!"
Ina makes everyone leave, but not before sending Armin on a task.
"Big brother. Go get Papa." She whispers.
Armin tries to argue. "But the-"
"Listen to me. I know what's wrong. Now go get him."
Again, ina gives no explanation. Just looks at Armin with the expectation that her demand will be met.
"Don't let anyone in." Ina warns Armin on his way out.
Hange lets out one bone chilling shriek after another. Clutching her stomach and wailing all the while. Ina removes the jacket she's tied around hange's waist. The blood stain on the back of her once crisp white pants has grown even larger.
Ina closes the privacy curtains on all sides and then scoots on the bed to make herself eye level with Hange.
"Mama, look at me." Ina tries to smile even though she feels like her soul is being sucked out of her body. Hange just barely manages to see Ina. Her vision is going hazy from the pain.
"Hey, Mama. It's going to be okay. You're alright. Just… just breathe. In and out. That's it. You're doing so good." Ina brushes the hair stuck to Hange's forehead and continues to breathe with her.
"Ina… what's hap- ahhh!"
Another gut wrenching scream. Hange grabs Ina's wrist. The little girl doesn't even flinch when she hears the crunching of her own bones. She'll have someone help her fix that later. Right now, she has to be whatever Mama needs.
"It's going to be okay, Mama. It's okay. Keep breathing. I'm so proud of you. Work through it. Look at me." Ina blocks the awful pain in her wrist completely. Giving all of her focus to Hange. "Focus on breathing out more. Push the air out of your belly. It'll help."
Even with the pain making Hange's entire world go sideways, she wonders how Ina is managing to stay so calm.
Levi bursts into the room just as Hange cries out again. He pulls back the privacy curtain and Ina notices his eyes are wide with frightened confusion. Thankfully, Armin doesn't appear to have followed him inside. If they're lucky, Armin should keep others from entering.
"What the hell is going on?!" Levi pants.
Ina waits for Hange's wave of pain to pass before moving from where she is.
"Papa…" Ina motions for him to come closer with her uninjured hand.
"Take…" She takes no less than a second to collect herself.
"Take Mama to your room. Put her in the bathtub. In warm water. But not too hot. Stay with her… okay? Just stay with her and help her however she needs. Breathe with her and remind her that everything will be okay."
"Levi? Why are-" hange's question is cut off by her own scream.
Levi rushes to her side.
"Armin said you knew what was wrong?" Levi pulls Hange closer to him and takes her hand.
Ina looks over at Levi with clear heartbreak in her eyes.
"She's having a miscarriage."
Hange is too lost in her pain to hear anything beyond her own screaming. Levi feels his stomach plummet at Ina's words.
"Papa… you need to do what I said! She needs privacy…. and you. Just… just do it."
Levi feels everything moving in slow motion. All of a sudden he can taste his panic at the back of his throat.
"Ina… are you- are you sure?"
Ina simply repeats her instructions. "Take her to your room and put her in the bathtub."
All Levi can do is what she tells him. Otherwise he fears his mind will completely shut down.
Ina shuffles off the bed and pulls privacy curtains back. "I'll bring her medicine and some tea later. Keep her hydrated. She won't be able to eat much until after she passes the whole thing. Take her now, Papa. She needs to get out of these clothes."
"Passes what, Ina? What's happening?" It almost sounds like he's whining. Ina knows he's just scared.
"The fetus. I told you Papa, it's a miscarriage." Her voice cracks but her eyes. Her eyes never waver. They stay on his. She is calm. Poised.
How does she know any of this?
Levi notices how Ina holds her wrist. She's hurt.
"Ina, what happened to you?"
"Goddammit Papa! Later!" Ina shouts. "Do what I said!"
"Levi?" Hange sobs into his shirt.
"Come on, Papa." Ina takes the jacket from earlier and ties it around Hange's waist. completely ignoring her throbbing and quickly swelling wrist.
Hange screams when Levi tries to pick her up. Ina tells him to wait until the contraction passes. Contraction? No that can't be right. That would mean she was pregnant. There's no way Hange could have been pregnant and neither her nor Levi knew. How could they both have missed this? How is any of this happening?
When Hange stops screaming, Ina uses that as their cue to move.
"Alright, you have a few minutes to get her to your room. Go now." Ina orders.
Levi hesitates and Ina takes notice. "Now, now, now!" Ina yells.
Levi snaps out of his stupor and pulls a whimpering Hange into his arms. Ina holds the door open for him as he walks out. She leads him for most of the way. If there are any scouts in their path Ina quickly shoos them away. He's never seen her command so much authority. She's so strong and level headed. Levi realizes that there's so many sides to her he's still yet to see.
Hange screams and writhes in pain when Levi is a few feet from his door.
He makes a sorry attempt to comfort her. "We're almost there, Hange."
Levi opens his door and walks into his room, completely expecting Ina to follow him. He has no idea what's going on, but she does. He's only doing what she tells him. If she weren't here, Levi knows damn well he'd be of no help to Hange.
Ina stands in his doorway. Her good hand still cradles her injured wrist. "Remember what I said. Don't make the water too hot. And don't leave her. I'll be back, okay? The medicine and tea will be outside your door in 20 minutes."
"Ina Wait-"
She closes his door. Effectively cutting off Levi's plea for help.
Just follow her instructions, Levi repeats to himself. You may not know what you're doing but she does. Trust her.
Levi starts the running water in his bathtub and makes sure that it's warm, but not too hot like Ina said.
He helps Hange out of all her clothes. Finally noticing the ginormous blood stain covering the entirety of the back hange's white pants.
Oh god, Ina was right. He was hoping there would be a slim possibility, a tiny chance, that Ina could be wrong. That it was something else.
His daughter has never been wrong. Not when it mattered.
"Levi…. why…." Hange pants. Completely unaware of anything going on around her.
"I… I don't know Hange." There's no point in acting like he's not panicking. "Let's just get you in the bath okay."
"Don't leave me, please don't leave me!" She begs. Her sobbing turns into downright hyperventilation.
"I'm not going anywhere."
The blood has completely soaked her underwear. Levi didn't realize how difficult it'd be to get her out of them. He's only seen this much blood after someone was mortally wounded on the battlefield. How is she still conscious after all of this blood loss?
Something isn't right. The consistency of this blood is off. It's not straight liquid. It's congealed and… fleshy in a way.
What is going on?
Levi finally removes the last of Hange's clothes and sets her in the tub.
"Levi? I… I forgot to tell you." Her head lolls to the side as she fights the urge to let the pain steal her consciousness.
"Tell me what?" Levi takes a small towel and wipes Hange's face down. "Open your eyes, Hange. Look at me."
She doesn't have a chance to answer. Another horrible scream rips free from her body. Levi takes her hand and waits it out with her. Not minding that she's squeezing the ever-loving life out of his hand.
The worst of the contraction passes. Hange can tell she only has about a minute before she's thrown back into a world of pain.
"Levi!" Hange cries.
"Don't try to speak. Just breathe. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Like how you taught me."
It's too difficult to catch her breath. "I can't…."
"You can. I know you can, I've seen you do it. Deep breaths."
"Don't leave..." Again her head falls to the side. She wants to give in. Wants to, but won't.
"I'm here, Hange. I'll always be here."
"Big brother, I need your help." Ina walks back into the infirmary to see Armin pacing back and forth.
"Ina, what's going on?!" Armin doesn't mean to shout but he's freaking out and all of his friends are still out training so he's completely alone.
"We don't have time for questions." Ina's voice cracks.
Even if they did have time to spare, she wouldn't tell big brother anything. It's none of his business. Quite frankly it's not hers either. Ina is only involving herself because she has to. The last thing she wants is to infringe on her parents privacy on the absolute worst day of their lives.
She looks up at him with the saddest expression he's ever seen on her." My wrist is dislocated. Can you reduce it please?"
Armin kneels in front of her, finally making himself aware of how Ina holds her injured wrist. "Wha- how did that happen?"
"Stop asking and help me!" Ina shouts and sits in one of the chairs.
She runs her mobile hand over her face. The action makes her look decades older than she really is.
"I'm sorry, big brother. I'm not… I just need your help. I don't know how to do it by myself and I still have things to do." Ina admits.
"Tell me one thing, is the squad leader going to be okay?"
"Papa is with her. She's not in danger. But no, big brother. She's not okay right now. I'm going to bring her some medicine and tea but I can't do that with my wrist all messed up. Please... help."
His soul shrivels a little when he gazes into Ina's eyes. There's clearly a lot that she's not telling him, but it's also clear that she's not going to give him any straight answers until she accomplishes this mission that she set herself on.
"Ina…" Armin pulls up another chair to sit directly in front of her. She releases the tight hold on her injured wrist and brings it down for him to see.
"Your wrist is broken." Armin observes with horror.
The little girl frowns. "What? No it's not."
"This isn't a dislocation, it's broken."
"You need to fix it! I have work to do!"
Ina tries to get up so she can finish her tasks. Armin has to physically pick her up and put her back in her chair.
"Take it easy. I said I would help you, and I meant that. Your wrist needs to be splinted and immobilized first."
"Can I still use my hand?"
She doesn't seem all that concerned that her wrist is broken in at least 3 places.
"Yes but just barely. Ina, how did this happen?"
"Stop with the questions! Please! Can you fix this?"
"I'll do my best, Ina. It's been a while since I've seen a broken wrist like this." Armin stands and moves to the cabinet to get the proper supplies.
"Afterward, can you help me find some medication for mama?" Ina asks.
He turns away from the cabinet. "And you still won't tell me what happened?"
"Armin. It's not my place. And it's not any of our business. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to help my mother."
"Alright, Alright. I'll help you. What meds does she need?"
"What's the strongest painkiller you have?"
"Why is there so much blood?!" Hange sobs.
Levi has no idea what to say. No idea how to comfort her or even any real idea what's going on.
The bathwater has run red.
Hange's contractions have lessened in severity and frequency. Enough for her to be aware of her surroundings.
"Levi I'm so sorry. I- I didn't know! I didn't know!"
"Hange, it's okay. Don't be sorry, it's alright." He has no clue what she's talking about.
"I didn't know I was pregnant…" she whimpers. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry!"
He still can't believe it. This is a miscarriage.
"I killed our baby!" Hange shouts and resumes her sobbing.
"No, no Hange please don't say that. You didn't - you couldn't have known. This isn't your fault. It's not anyone's fault."
Levi wipes her face down again.
"It's nothing you did, Hange."
"I'd have taken better care of myself if I knew. I'd have done more to protect them. I thought it was just the flu!" Hange cries.
"Papa?" Levi hears Ina. Again, she's standing in the doorway of the bathroom. Not entering where she feels she isn't welcome.
"I'll be right back, Hange."
"Don't go!" Hange shouts. Completely distraught with guilt and grief.
With that plea Ina steps inside the bathroom. But just barely. Her wrist is wrapped in a cast. She doesn't look like she's in any physical pain. Her brown eyes are still so calm. Almost serene. They hold peace and understanding. Everything Levi lacks right now.
In the pocket of her dress is a capped syringe, and in her uninjured hand is a mug which Levi can only assume is the tea she was talking about.
"How much time is in between her contractions now?"
"About 8 minutes." Ina can hear the tremble in Papa's voice. She knows how much he must be hurting. How confused he is.
"I made ginger lemon. It'll calm her tummy down." Ina sets the mug on the edge of the sink. "She's not going to want it but just try little sips. It's really going to help. She was nauseous earlier. It could come back. Little sips."
Levi can only nod. How does she know so much? How is she still so calm?
"And this," she pulls the syringe out of her pocket "is for her pain. Big brother says it's IM. Do you know what that means?"
Levi just nods again. Ina extends her hand with the syringe, then backs away once Levi takes it. She walks backwards, holding Levi's gaze until she is through the bathroom door. It's then that she turns around to leave.
"I'll bring you both some food later."
"Ina, don't leave. Please." Levi knows he's begging. He needs her right now. Needs her calm intuition to guide him through this chaos.
"Papa, it's not my place." Ina sounds like she's holding back tears. She just shuts her eyes for three seconds and takes a deep breath. "Make sure to rub her lower back when you take her out of the tub."
"Ina, wait-"
She runs off and seconds later his door slams shut.
Ina has a little bit of time before she plans to cook their meal. So she walks. Keeps walking until she's outdoors. In the courtyard. Keeps going until she's at her favorite tree.
Ina knows Papa doesn't like her being up in this tree by herself. But he's got too much going on to even know about it.
She doesn't break down until she's high up in the tree where no one can see her. Doesn't allow herself to feel the pain of her broken wrist until she's sure that she's alone.
So if the title of this fic and it's trigger warning wasn't enough, this latest story is an angst fest. I bet when I told y'all I was writing a LeviHan centric fic you weren't expecting this nightmare. I'm a little sorry, but not too much. It took me months to write this and I'm proud of the work I put into it.
A little background on the title- it's borrowed from the awesome broadway musical Hamilton. It's Quiet Uptown is the song that shows Hamilton and his wife getting over the death of their child. I've listened to Hamilton hundreds of times and 9.9999 out of 10 times this song makes me cry like a baby.
This is the first time I ever came up with a title before I had the story written.
Clearly this goes without saying I don't own Hamilton or attack on titan. The only character I own is Ina and I'm just fine with that. Until next week, Abientot!