"Condemned,"
Elsa thought out loud to herself as she turned left onto the small road and drove up to Arendelle High School.
"I stand condemned."
She pulled over to a side spot which faced the school, at the right corner of the perpendicular street in front of the main entrance, the same spot where she waited every day to pick up Anna. She hoped her sister would scoot out the front door before the buses and the usual onslaught of traffic got ahead of them. That hope went double on this day, an icy, snowy Friday.
Elsa grabbed her phone to kill the 30 minutes of time she still had before classes got done. Within minutes, she opened a dozen tabs, all of them from Google searches of one word: "Depression." Her cruel conscience tormented her.
Nice work, dumbass. Why don't you sit there, burn gas you can't afford, and drink overpriced coffee you don't need, when you could be on the internet inside that computer room right now like you always are at this time of day anyway?
She read through them all at a rapid pace. The words of self-pity in each link satiated her latest internal outburst of self-hatred. Then she got to the last one. The darkest one.
Do you seriously have that opened right now?
Elsa sunk her head in shame. She wanted to close the tab that prompted her conscience to rebuke her.
How would Anna feel if you did that?
The girl tightened her eyes in pain. She felt like she could explode. Anxiety washed over her.
She'd be all alone in this world and it'd be all your fault!
*thud thud*
Elsa jumped out of her seat in panic at the sound of the loud knock against the passenger window.
"Shit. It's just Anna."
She had no idea how 30 minutes went by like that, but there Anna stood, covered up tight in her cute magenta colored winter coat. Elsa hit the screen button on her phone and unlocked the car.
"Hi Elsa!" the redheaded girl exclaimed in her usual cheery voice. She didn't even ask before she grabbed a sip of Elsa's latte.
"Ooooh, that's perfect for a day like today!" Anna said as she tossed her backpack behind her seat.
"Yeah, I guess it is," the blonde girl replied in a meek tone.
"I mean, we're in the middle of April. What is up with this awful weather?" Anna wondered aloud.
Elsa sighed and looked out the drivers window as she zipped left around the curb to avoid the rush of students headed for the buses.
Cripes, she's not kidding about the weather.
The Polar Vortex that plagued the Midwest all winter in 2014 wasn't done yet, and Elsa remembered why she dipped out of her Senior intern class to splurge on a nice hot drink. Her internship required actual work on Monday's, but the rest of the week, she spent sixth hour in the student newsroom and killed time on the computer, since no one could stop her anyway. That day, she treated herself to a relief from the latest blizzard. Until her broken conscience decided to give her hell along the way.
"Oh hey, is everything..." Anna paused mid-sentence, the tone of her voice changed from upbeat to concerned.
"….is everything okay?" she asked as they sped away. "I mean, I'm surprised to see you parked over here."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Elsa responded with sheepishness as she realized that her pity party on the phone caused her to forget to move up to the front side walk so her sister could hop right in. Elsa felt a twinge of guilt when she realized Anna had to cross the street in this icy weather.
"I found a good story to read and got distracted there, I guess," she said with half a smile.
Anna knew better by now.
"Hey, what the hell Anna!" she barked as Anna grabbed her older sister's phone from the middle dashboard and typed in in the four digit pass code. Elsa felt her breaks lock as she sped too fast through the snowy road. She couldn't stop her sister now.
Anna took one look at the screen, gave it a blank stare, and set the phone back down with an ominous slowness. She turned her head towards the passenger window and went quiet.
Well done loser! Now she knows how fucking selfish you really are!
"Anna listen, I..."
The younger girl turned her face to her, and Elsa's heart crumpled at the sight of her sister's watery blue eyes. Silence consumed the car. The only sounds came from Anna's choked up sobs and the purr of the heat as it blasted through the car vents. Instead of yet another argument, Elsa decided to bite her tongue and focus on the road. She pinned her lips together and tried to ignore the emotional pain that she knew her sister felt right now, and that Anna felt every day since Elsa came clean about her depressed state.
Anna broke the silence,
"I love you...so much, Elsa," she said with a soft sweetness that only Anna could vocalize.
Elsa almost burst into tears herself, but her extra focus on the treacherous roads stopped her. She forced out a defense of herself instead.
"Anna, look, I don't have any sort of radical plan. "
Yes you do you dirty liar. You've had a plan for a month now!
"It's just, I feel worse and worse, and I needed to look for help is all."
Great, now she thinks her own help isn't good enough for you!
Anna opened her mouth about to snap back, but the words escaped her. She already did the beg-and-plead routine with her big sister multiple times. She knew that Elsa hurt inside more than she let on, but now her worst fears had been confirmed.
If only she knew how much she is adored
Anna let out another sob at the very thought. She leaned her chair all the way back, closed her eyes, and trusted that her big sister wouldn't screw up or make a stupid decision in this crazy weather.
The two girls remained silent the rest of the chilly ride home.
The secret's out now, idiot
Elsa still couldn't believe she let that happen. She knew better than to let Anna get anywhere near her internet searches. She knew that Anna grew suspicious of her true emotional state with each week. As she lay on her bed alone in her room, her conscience berated her for the unexpected reveal of her dark secret.
She doesn't even want to look at you right now.
That much was true. Anna didn't bother to look at Elsa as she grabbed her backpack and scooted into the house. Elsa heard her bedroom door lock from downstairs. She grabbed what remained of her coffee and walked upstairs to her own room. As she walked by her little sister's door, she heard the muffled tears into the pillow.
See? This is what you've caused. This is the pain you've unleashed!
As Elsa replayed the events of that day in her head, a thought inside her snapped. She lept up off the bed and headed for her desktop.
"Oh good, he's available right now," she said to herself as she noticed the green dot by his name. Elsa clicked on it.
"Hi Jack," she typed. "Got a moment?"
What do you even want to accomplish right now?
Elsa didn't have any romantic feelings for Jack. Or anyone, for that matter. But she needed someone to talk to right now, and Jack had been a good friend to her for over a year. Other than Anna, only Jack knew how hurt and wounded she felt inside, and who also cared for her.
"Sure Elsa. What's up?"
"Well, I..."
The conversation that ensued went farther than Elsa intended, and she poured out more than she knew she should. But for some reason, she felt relieved. At least someone other than Anna and frigging Hans knew what she suffered from: A sadness that crippled her, turned her conscience against her, and tormented her with cruel thoughts and insults every day. Even when she made the smallest of decisions.
"I'll tell you what," Jack said. "Can you meet at the ice cream parlor tonight?"
"The one in front of Arendelle High?" Elsa responded. The Siberia-like weather outside didn't matter to her.
"Yeah, that one. In the back parking lot behind the parlor. I'll be in my pickup truck."
Elsa knew she could trust Jack.
"Deal," she said. "Would 7:00 work?"
"Yes. See you then."
Elsa gave the yellow thumbs up. The green dot disappeared from Jack's name, and Elsa closed her browser and leaned back in her chair. She let out a sigh.
*thud thud*
"Damn it. Again?" Elsa muttered to herself as she almost fell backwards.
"Can I come in, Elsa?"
It's your sister again you coward!
Elsa made a grimaced expression and then got up to open the door. She kept her head down, too filled with shame and regret to look her beloved sister in the eye. But to her surprise, Anna did not scold her.
"I'm sorry if my reaction in the car made you feel guilty," she said in a sincere tone
Jesus, this girl discovers that you have contemplated the most selfish deed imaginable, and yet she feels sad for hurting your feelings?
This time Elsa spoke up before the guilt choked her into silence.
"I have a talk with Jack tonight," she deadpanned.
"Oh! That's...that's good!" Anna felt taken aback and didn't know what to say, but she also felt happy that her older sister had sought out help.
"Yeah, I mean, he...I don't know if he still has a crush on me or not, but I know he almost cares about me as much as you do," Elsa said with a smile.
Anna smiled back, but also choked up at the same time. The sound of her own words out of her mouth caused Elsa to well up with tears too. The two girls gazed at each other. A thick cloud of sadness filled the air. It became too much for both of them, and they embraced in a big warm hug.
As they held each other, Anna let out some heartfelt words. They were similar to the words she wrote in a poem to Elsa the previous Christmas, right before this awful Polar Vortex hit.
"I'm right out here for you, Elsa. And I always will be here for you for as long as I live."
The words caused Elsa to tighten her embrace. She had become desperate to escape her pain, but she didn't want to break Anna's heart.
Oh my gosh, what am I gonna do?