Reasons to Suffer

The sun had come up a few hours ago, according to the watches that still had a battery it was already noon, but none of the youngsters cared. After not resting for two whole days what they wanted the most was to continue sleeping for a whole week. But the rays of sunlight invaded most of the workshop, waking Murilo from the best night's sleep he'd had since the beginning of the outbreak. Without opening his eyes he smiled as he hugged the sleeping girl in his arms, not resisting in placing a kiss on her shoulder. When he felt the some movement he opened his eyes, finding her still sleepy looking at him with a smile.

- Good Morning. - He said as she turned her body towards him. - Slept well?

- Really well. - Amanda approached, giving the boy a peck. - better than I expected considering how hard this couch is.

- Oh, I hadn't even noticed. - He said noticing the rigidity of the furniture.

- We were too busy to notice this yesterday. - She said making them both laugh. - I wanted to stay here, but I have to finish my future weapon.

- Want help with something? - He asked as Amanda sat on the couch and stretched.

- Can you use the sander?

- Never used it, but how hard can it be?

She thanked him and looked at the floor in search of her clothes, Murilo remained lying down a little longer looking at her. Despite having seen it several times, he reached up to the two scars in the form of lines that Amanda had on the upper right part of her back. They were a little curved and the size of his hand, the result of the slightest tripping and falling onto a glass table. He had something similar on his calf from falling off his bike when he was younger. He took his hand away as she pulled on her bra and shirt, then got up to put on her pants.

- Are you gonna to stay there enjoying the view or gonna change? - She said buttoning her pants.

- What a view... - He said laughing and getting up to get dressed. - Do you think the others have woken up?

- Maybe, but it's better to let them rest. I want to finish this right before André comes rushing us.

The boy in question didn't wake up until an hour later, also hugging his girlfriend but both dressed. It wasn't the noise coming from the workshop that woke him up, but a scream. Picking up the gun he'd left on one of the shelves he got up and looked around, looking for the source of the scream.

- Calm down, it was just a nightmare. It's okay.

Guilherme hugged Isa who let some tears fall when hugging the boy back. More calm André lowered the gun while everyone also woke up.

- What?... - Danilo asked confused, his blue hair extremely messed up. - Everyone ok?

- Yeah, Isa just had a nightmare. - Ana said rubbing her eyes going towards her friend.

- I-I'm fine. I'm sorry.

- You do not need to apologize. - Gui said giving the girl a smile. - Want to talk about what you dreamed of?

- …Yes. I do, but... somewhere else. - She answered.

That calmed Guilherme down, at least she wasn't keeping everything to herself. He helped her up while the rest of the group woke up, André took the cookies and soda and distributed them to everyone.

- Share these between you, I'll take some to Amanda and Murilo.

- Just be careful going there, you never know. - Danilo said opening a package.

André rolled his eyes and went to the door, where they moved a shelf to block in case a walker or stranger tried to enter. Ana held the food while the man moved the furniture, opening the door as soon as it was released.

- How are you? - The girl asked.

- Me? I'm fine, why?

- It's just that yesterday you were... distant.

- Sorry, I was still thinking about everything that happened.

- About... killing that guy? Want to talk about it?

- ...Yesterday Isa asked me how I felt about it and... and even though I said we can just learn and move on I... still feel...

- Bad? - He nodded in response. - Remember I commented about my grandfather being a police officer? When I was young I asked about the first time he killed, how he felt. And he said the same thing: that he felt guilty for days, months even, but that it wasn't in vain. Because thanks to that a child was saved. After that he was sure that if he needed to kill it would be to save more lives and prevent the suffering of others. And that's exactly what you did too, with that guy... and with Sasha.

- How did I save her life if... - He asked not understanding.

- You didn't let her suffer, right? - Ana stopped and took the brunette's hands. - I'm not saying it's easy, I don't even know how it is, but it's important to remember that it wasn't without reason. And most importantly... that it wasn't your fault at all.

André had been thinking about the exact opposite of that. That somehow, at some point, he was to blame for the things that happened. But after all the reasons Amanda and Ana gave to prove otherwise, he began to believe. He wanted to believe. Maybe he needed to stop focusing on what happened and focus on forgiving himself. He thanked his girlfriend with a smile and they continued to walk to the workshop.

—

- What did you dream about?

Guilherme and Isa were now inside the car, sitting in the backseats.

- It was... we were in that room, me and that soldier. But he wasn't doing anything. He was on his knees and I-I… I was in front of him with the stone b-bust in hands. And even so I... - The girl could already feel tears gathering in her eyes. - I started hitting him and as much as I tried, as much as I begged I wouldn't stop! He hadn't done anything and even so... - She began to sob as the tears flowed, Gui gently stroke the girl's back so that she could calm down. - The worst thing was... you were there. Watching me do it and, my god, you looked so disgust, so-

- Isa, I'll repeat what I told you yesterday. - The boy said in a calm voice. - You just defended yourself, who knows what he would do to you and how many other people he could have hurt. It doesn't make you a monster and it doesn't make me see you as one at all.

- But Gui, I... I think a part of me wanted to kill him. When he fell to the ground I could have just handcuffed him, but…but I went back to hitting him until my arms got tired. I am afraid. - She said hugging him. - I'm afraid I liked killing him. I don't want to feel like this ever again.

- You won't, I won't let you.

- But if something like that-

- I won't let you, - he interrupted, pulling away from her and wiping away her tears with his thumb. - Because if it gets to the point where we have to kill again... I'll do it.

Isa was shocked by the boy's words.

- Seeing you like this, suffering so much makes me... makes me feel guilty for not having been faster.

- It's not your-

- I know, I know I couldn't do anything, and as you said, it's no use thinking about how things could have been. So I'm going to think about what I can do to prevent that from happening again. I love you so much, I can't stand to see you like this. - He took his girlfriend's face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together. - I promise I'll stay by your side so nothing bad happens to you.

André was right. They had amazing people with them, people who are willing to kill just to ease their suffering. Isa wanted to say how lucky she was to have him, how grateful she was for his sacrifice, how much she loved him. But the rotten gray hand that slapped the window glass stopped her.