AN: This story picks up near the end The Badge (season 15). For those who need a 10-sentence recap: Matt is seriously wounded stopping a robbery, and Kitty is deeply shaken. She's assured he'll recover, but knows there will be "next times" because of his job, and is so distraught she leaves Dodge. Weeks later Matt finds out she's in the town of Ballard with her friend Claire Hollis, who owns a saloon. He goes to see Kitty who greets him coldly, and he finds out the town is controlled by an evil man called Papa. Kitty wants Matt to leave Ballard, but he insists on staying to take Papa on, and tries to make her understand why. Kitty watches Matt confront Papa, and sees the evil man signal a shooter to kill Matt. She yells a warning, and Matt turns and shoots his would-be assassin. Papa is arrested. Matt and Kitty look at each other for a long moment. Finally Matt walks off.

This story begins shortly after that, but veers from the ending the episode gave us.

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Under quickly fading stars, Matt turned over on his side and stared out into the predawn light. Sleep was a hard won thing, and he felt anything but rested. Whenever he dozed off, Kitty invaded his dreams, and even worse, each time he woke, the bitter truth that he might never see her again hit him like a sledgehammer. He sat up on the edge of his bedroll and ran a hand across his tired eyes. He'd put two days between himself and the town of Ballard – two long days and nights. Over his many years as a lawman, riding alone under the open sky had helped him clear his mind. Not this time. Thoughts of Kitty allowed for neither peace nor calm. He understood why she left Dodge after he got shot, and didn't blame her. Seeing him sprawled in the dirt with a hole in his chest was bad enough; knowing there'd be a next time, with a bullet that might leave him dead – well – no woman should have to withstand that. That's why he never asked her to, and never would. So, when he heard that she was in Ballard, he fooled himself into thinking he was going just to check on her – make sure she was all right. That was a lie. The truth dwelled deep in his heart where wishes and dreams remain well hidden. His real hope was that when she saw him, she'd reconsider and come home. He'd let that hope take over his heart. That's why her cold reception chilled him to his core.

Matt ran his fingers through his hair and pushed his tired body up from the bedroll. He considered building a fire to make coffee, but decided not to bother. If he rode now, camped tonight and continued tomorrow at dawn, he'd be in Dodge by tomorrow evening. He grabbed some jerky from his saddlebag, saddled his horse and set off for another day of being alone with his thoughts.

Ballard

Kitty stood inside the stage depot, staring up at the chalkboard that hung on the wall. Rows of destinations with arrival and departure times were neatly printed. Kitty took a step closer to the board and squinted, hoping she'd misread.

"Too bad."

Startled, Kitty jumped and turned around. "Claire, I didn't know you were behind me. I was just thinking that I – well – maybe I…"

"Don't beat around the bush, my friend. You are going home where you belong. However, at this moment you're more than a little frustrated because the next stage to Dodge doesn't leave for another week." She took Kitty's arm. "We haven't seen much of each other for the past couple of days. You've been holed up in your room."

"I'm sorry, I guess…" Claire smiled and shook her head. "No need to apologize, I understand. There is one thing I'm curious about, if you don't mind me asking. You were on the street watching when Matt took Papa on. Thank goodness you were, because the warning you yelled about the gunman on the balcony saved Matt's life. What I don't understand is why you didn't go back with him right then and there. What kept you standing in place like you were glued to the ground? You must have known he wanted you to. Did you want him to ask outright, then and there?"

"Maybe – no, that's not it." Kitty bit her lower lip, she'd been pondering that very question for 2 days. "The truth is, I wanted time to think. Claire, I've left him before, more than once, swearing up and down that I never wanted to see him or his damn badge again. I always went back. This time he came to get me. It would have been so easy to fall into his arms, but I had to be sure that was what I wanted, without the pull of him standing right there. I had to be sure that, no matter what, being with him was the most important thing." She turned her attention back to the chalkboard and sighed. "Now that Î can't wait to get back to him, it will be another week before I can even head out."

"Nope, because I have a present for you. Get your things together. I hired a driver and coach. Leave this evening, you'll be in Dodge in three to four days."

Kitty grabbed her friend's arm, "Claire, I can't accept such an extravagant gift. A private coach for such a long ride – that costs a lot."

"I can afford it, Kitty. If you hadn't come to Ballard, Matt wouldn't have come. That means I'd still be paying a stiff percentage to Papa, or getting closed down every other day. My profits are up quite a bit, thank you very much. So please, let me do this for you. You deserve happiness, and Dodge is where you'll find it."

Matt

With full moon lighting the way, Matt kept riding after dark. A few hours before midnight, he felt his horse tire, so he stopped under a grove of trees. He was too weary to start a fire, so he settled on eating a few more strips of jerky before tugging off his boots, and stretching out on his bedroll. His body craved rest but his mind fought against it. Kitty's words echoed in his ears: Behind you, Matt, the balcony. She saved his life, and then they looked at each other for a long moment. For the first time in 15 years he couldn't read her expression. Was she angry? Did she still want a life without him? Was she unsure? He couldn't tell, and she didn't move or speak. Fact was, the whole time he was in Ballard, Kitty kept saying that she wanted him to leave, so that's what he finally did.

Matt let out a long breath and, giving up on sleep, sat up and leaned against a large rock. The light of the moon shone through the trees, and he thought of the moonlit nights he'd shared with Kitty – hundreds – likely thousands. He could almost hear her laugh, feel her touch and smell her perfume. Too restless to remain still, he got to his feet and walked out from under the trees. The sky was vast and star filled. He looked up, knowing that Kitty might be looking up at that same enormous sky. "Kitty, please be happy. I'm sorry I can't be what you need, it's just that I can't stand by and watch the Papas of the world have their way. I can't do that any more than you can water down a drink, run a crooked table or roll a drunk. I'll always love you Kitty." He walked back to his bedroll and tried to rest his body. He'd be in Dodge tomorrow evening. Doc, Festus, Sam and others would want to know what happened in Ballard and wonder why he'd returned alone. Answering their questions would be as much fun as being alone with his thoughts.

TBC