Chapter 33

Gordon stayed in late. He tried foolishly to go back to bed, hoping that he would fall into sweet oblivion where his mind would stop tormenting him. Except it didn't. All he could see was her as she walked across the beach or laughing with him over breakfast, meditating in yoga, her starstruck expression of wonder at the observatory. He could feel the echo of her touch at the base of his neck, how her fingertips caressed so carefully down his back, the feel of skin on skin that made him feel alive. The scent of Jasmine still lingered all over him like a toxin, yet another bittersweet reminder of her but he didn't want to shower because then it would be like last night hadn't existed. He'd rather suffer daily for eternity than to forget the events of last night. No matter how ashamed he was of his actions, his loss of control.

Come seven AM he heard muffled footsteps next door. He stood touching the wall silently, hand splayed as he heard the pump kick in. Water gushed just audible in his room. Eventually the shower stopped before he heard the hair dryer. He could picture her in a white fluffy towel, her hand working through the kinks in her hair as the other directed the flow. He heard when the door opened and closed, yet he didn't leave. He couldn't face the rest of the household. Not yet anyway.

Just after eleven AM the sound of Thunderbird one's jets could be heard as she pivoted into the hideaway under the pool. Tin-Tin knew she had perhaps just over twenty minutes till Alan was home. All night since she returned to her room, she had been deliberating the best course of action. She'd spent most of the morning in Jeff's private study weighing up her options and seeking permission for what she was planning to do. There were a few times she was close to tears at the thought of the damage she had done to two young men but she somehow managed to keep it together.

Scott rotated through to the lounge in his favourite checkered collarless jacket and sky-blue turtleneck. Jeff had just seated himself on the sofa next to Tin-Tin with a paper in hand after granting clearance to land. Scott vaulted onto the couch, jostling his father who was closest. Jeff chucked his paper down on his lap and lowered his reading glasses. "A good night I see."

Scott grinned, barely able to contain himself. "It was a great night! Thanks for letting us go dad, I really needed it."

Gordon slipped into the room unnoticed. He'd decided it was easier to come out now before Alan was back. "I bet you did." Gordon deadpanned in a suggestive tone. He was wearing shades as he dipped into the armchair opposite.

Scott rolled his eyes before his features softened. "It was a wrench to leave her again. I barely felt like we had any time together." Tin-Tin's gaze flickered across to Gordon whose expression remained stoic.

"I remember those days with your mother, it was hard being away from her for so long. We often used to stay up all night the night before deployment to make the most of the time we had left." Jeff reminisced, a memory that once brought pain now filled him with warmth.

"Well, being one of five we can attest that you really did make the most of your time."

"Gordon!" Scott shook his head in disbelief.

Jeff looked like he would have clipped Gordon around the ear hole if he was close enough but also couldn't hide his amusement at his son's cheeky comment. Scott was grinning like a Cheshire cat trying not to laugh out loud, his dad had walked into that one after all. He took a swig of his coffee he'd brought back with him.

"Well if Scott takes after me it seems I'll be a grandfather several times over within the next five years."

Scott lost his coffee all over his lap, his eyes wide. Despite feeling fragile Gordon couldn't help roar with laughter at his brother's expression. He passed him the tissues across the coffee table. "Grandfather? You said you were too young." Scott spluttered trying to recover himself.

Jeff dismissed him with the wave of a paper "That was years ago. I'm not getting any younger you know. I always fancied myself as a grandfather."

"Have you now?" Scott finished dabbing at his pant leg. "Well, you have five sons so I would say you have a fair chance. Firstborn doesn't have to be first at everything you know."

Uncomfortable with the turn in conversation, Gordon stretched. "And on that note, I'm hitting the pool. Someone's delayed my morning swim long enough."

"You could have just stayed in there, I reckon you can hold your breath long enough while I park her."

Gordon gave him a sarcastic head tilt before turning on his heel. He couldn't help but listen sharply for the sound of footsteps or for Tin-Tin to excuse herself but it never came.

By lunchtime Alan and Virgil had arrived back on the island. There was one main topic of conversation that was dominating the table. Alan's black eye. Jeff cut through his steak. "So, Alan, how did you come by that shiner?" Jeff words were light but laced with disapproval.

"It's not what you think father. Alan helped rescue someone last night." Interjected Virgil as he helped himself to more salad dressing.

"Oh?" Jeff raised a brow.

Alan finished his mouthful before laying his utensils down. "Well, I went outside to grab some fresh air when I heard screaming. I ran to the back of the property and found a man harassing a young lady. He had hold of her. She'd told him to let go but he wouldn't, so I told him to leave. Anyway, long story short he took offence and my face is the result along with a couple of bruised ribs but thankfully he hadn't touched her. That was the main thing." He glanced nervously at Tin-Tin, he felt like he needed to clarify he hadn't touched Felix either but caught himself.

"Alan saw him off father, you should have seen the size of the man when they caught him later, he took two cops down with him." Scott scoffed.

"Sounds dangerous but I'm glad you were able to protect her Alan, you did the right thing." Alan smiled at the praise. He was surprised to see Tin-Tin looking concerned down the end of the table. Was it out of worry for his injuries or that he'd been in the company of another woman?

"I'm alright honestly, no harm done other than a few bruises."

"Good to hear it, was this guy one of the guests of the gala?"

"Yeah, but he'd come in place of another associate, Penny had quite a firm conversation with the business this morning to say if that's the kind of people they employ she'd rather not have them as donors."

Jeff grunted his approval.

"So enough about our antics. What did you guys get up to without us to entertain you?" Alan asked brightly.

Gordon's fork clattered loudly against his China plate. He had been playing with his food but now his appetite fled completely. This guilt is going to consume me, where's a damn call out when you want one? He quickly swept up his napkin to wipe his hands. "Not a lot, I decided to run some maintenance on the yacht. I noticed she was overdue a check."

"Well, that sounds positively dull, you should go to the gala next time. Henry was there."

"Was he? I can imagine his mother dragged him along."

"You guessed right, he says hello and that you should call him." Alan grinned. "What about you Tin, did you get around to that book or yours or maybe the new gym class?"

"No, just a quiet evening. Mostly reading in the lounge but I did help father in his garden for a while." She was careful to give Alan her full attention cursing herself for the higher pitch she could hear in her own voice. She gave him her best smile in return.

"If it wasn't for my daughter, we would not have the salad here on the table tonight. I had a migraine so she kindly offered to harvest it for me." Kyrano took his daughters hand in his to which she gently squeezed back. She wouldn't admit to anyone how worried she was by these ongoing migraines. They seemed to be increasing in frequency. Tin-Tin had never considered her father as old but lately he had become much more sedate and forgetful at times. She hoped it was nothing serious. She was still worrying about it as she cleared the plates. How could she ensure he was looked after? She was so absentminded she didn't notice as she dropped a glass.

"Steady!" Alan caught it one handed, his lightening quick reflexes certainly had their uses. "Tin?"

She shook her head as if emerging from an imaginary haze. "I'm sorry Alan, I have a lot on my mind."

He gently placed a hand on her shoulder, she tried not to flinch but it was too late. She caught the hurt expression. "Sorry you surprised me. I was somewhere else." She repeated.

"No harm done. Look I need to speak to you, I don't want to be stuck in this limbo much longer. Fancy meeting me in twenty minutes at the beach? Then we can have a chat…. about things." he squirmed.

Little did Alan know she had been trying to rehearse a similar conversation all last night and then altering it this morning to include her news. She wasn't ready yet but she knew she also needed to do this soon. Her circumstances were becoming pressing and she couldn't keep leading these two men on much longer. Although she wasn't fully to blame, she knew she had played a part in all this too. She cared for both of them each in different ways. She needed to try and put things right for their sake.

"That sounds like a good idea to me, I'll just help clear up then meet you down there." He nodded before taking his leave with a tentative smile, his black eye was a mottled purple yet his face still exuded handsomeness. She realised with a pang she would never kiss his gorgeous face again. A couple of months ago she would have felt awash with sorrow now there was merely an echo of the pain, fading with each waking day.

Gordon watched Alan head down to the beach from the shade of the swinging chair, he'd tucked his legs in so he was hidden from view. Once again, he was in turmoil. He'd barely been near Alan since he had come home. Gordon had done his best to ensure he was always somewhere else until lunchtime where he couldn't get away with his unobtrusive behaviour any longer. He felt like a bomb waiting to be detonated and being around Alan which only increased his anxiety. The remorse he felt for his actions and how much hurt he would cause his brother made him feel physically sick. He wished Alan had never messed up his relationship, for that little spark of hope had lit a wildfire Gordon could no longer contain. He loved Tin-Tin. Steeling his resolve, he stood and started to make towards the beach along the poolside just before he heard footsteps above. Not in the mood to socialise he retreated to the shadows.

The footsteps were soft yet fast paced as someone hurried down them. Gordon's eyes widened as the person drew level with his hiding place."Tin!"

Tin flew round at her name, almost jumping out of her skin. "Oh Gordon! You made me jump!"

"Sorry. I just saw Alan, I was on my way to talk to him."

"Gordon, I don't think that's the best idea. I was just on my way, he asked me to see him."

"Tin-Tin, let me tell him. what I did was unforgivable, I need him to know it wasn't your fault."

Tin-Tin glanced nervously at the veranda before indicating they should move closer to the path away from the house. "I'm not going to tell him."

"What! We have to!"

"Gordon please; you know how much this would hurt him if he knew. Anyway, we are on a break. I've not asked him what he's been up to because its not my business. I'm not committed to him in any way. I'm technically not in a relationship anymore."

"Technically I'd say that was a Gray area. Alan won't see it that way."

"No he won't because he won't know. Gordon, I need you to trust me." She looked towards the beach, her expression peculiar. "The next couple of months are going to be hard for all of us but its for the best. Just remember I don't expect you to hold out for me."

"What do you mean?" He stepped closer.

"I can't tell you now, I have to go he'll be wondering where I am. Just please don't say a word to anyone."

He looked torn but seeing her worried expression he replied "I promise". With one last bittersweet smile she spun on her heel and left him alone. He turned back towards the villa adding confusion to the hot mess of his contained emotions. He took comfort in the fact that he trusted her with his life, now he just had to trust her with his heart.

Alan was sitting on the shoreline by the time Tin-Tin reached him. He was barefoot with his knees up in front of him. She really didn't want to do this. She didn't want hurt him, yet she needed to be free. She wondered what he wanted to tell her; she didn't think she had the strength to argue with him if he was ready to plead with her for another chance. "Alan!" She called before she could procrastinate anymore.

He waved as she approached before patting the ground next to him. She tucked her legs under and knelt beside him.

"Hi"

"Hi" She replied awkwardly.

They watched the waves crash on the shore for a few minutes, the cloudless sky above them was unrelenting. She had forgotten her shades but thankfully was wearing her sunhat which provided a brim of shade. Alan was wearing his favourite ray bans. The ones she brought for him, the thought was tinged with sadness.

Alan let the fine sand filter through his hands as he lowered his legs. "Tin-Tin I've been thinking."

"Always dangerous." He grinned, her comment breaking the invisible barrier between them.

"Let me re-phrase that, I've been contemplating – taking stock of our relationship. You know its not till you have to live without something you realise how fortunate you've been. I took what we had for granted and I…. I didn't see that till very recently. I neglected you Tin-Tin and for that I'm truly sorry, I was blinded to what I had." He picked at his laces. "But I also think your right Tin, deep down I didn't commit to you fully because I was chasing what I thought I was missing out on. I was too afraid to admit it to even myself. You're my first and only serious long-term relationship. I was scared of what I perceived I was missing out on. Some nights I just wanted to see where they would take me like the other lads did. I was too immature to see everything I wanted was at home."

Tin-Tin made to interject but he stalled her. "Tin-Tin I betrayed your trust in the worst way. I care for you; and always will, but I now understand why you wanted to go on a break and I think it's for the best if we remain apart. I can't keep holding on to you, onto us when I'm not sure if I can settle down. I don't want you to feel like you are being led on." He gazed openly at her trying to assess her reaction, she was statuesque which made him worry for a moment that she'd taken his honesty the wrong way.

She lifted her head to the side to see him more clearly. "It's not all you Alan. I started to wonder if we were together for the right reasons. At first it all seemed so clear to me, I was content with our life together but I started to realise I was asking too much of you. Lately I just felt we were stuck. I missed that initial spark we had, that night we were away I felt like it could be rekindled but then when I found you in the bar…..." She trailed off, staring at her hands.

"The night I ruined it all and broke your trust. I know you don't trust me in the way you shy away from my touch." His mouth was down turned, his shoulders hunched forwards so that he seemed to shrink. "I didn't really help myself ignoring you when you first suggested we should break. I was angry with myself and bitter about the whole thing so I took it out on you."

Tin-Tin couldn't help it. "You do that a lot."

"I don't think I do." He frowned.

Tin-Tin cocked her head with a dead pan stare which caused him to frown deeper. She sighed. "Let's not go there, it won't help us. I'm sorry things have turned out the way they have Alan I really am. I've thought long and hard about us and I just can't see myself getting past this. Especially over the last couple of months, I've come to realise that I've also become too sheltered. I haven't had a chance to be on my own, to enjoy the independence and freedom it affords. We've been together for much of our adult lives." She went silent, not sure how else to convey her confused feelings. This was the longest conversation they'd had in a long time.

"You know I met a girl last night? The one I rescued. She was beautiful, well spoken and had this wonderful energy about her. The kind of girl who could stand out in a crowd. Anyway; We talked for a long while and spent most of the evening content in each other's company, it could have gone further i suppose. Except I felt nothing. She was just a friendly face. What if its not all what it cracked up to be? Freedom? Finding that special someone?"

"We can't stay together for the sake of security against the fear of not finding our soulmate. We would never be happy."

"I suppose."

"I'm sorry Alan, I hope that we can still be friends in time."

"Better to have you in my life than not at all." He replied contritely.

A single tear tracked down her cheek. "We better get back."

"You go on ahead... I'll be along in a bit." He swallowed, gazing out to sea.

She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder before the pressure of her weight left him. He watched her walk away up the beach. Away from him for the last time. He drew his legs close again, bowing his head over his knees as he tried to blot out the worst moment of his life. She'd left him for good.