A/N: Hi! Long time, no updates. This is the opening scene for the new chapter of Those (Chapter 45?) as a thank you of sorts for anyone who has patiently waited for the monster while I've been away. I'm posting it here in the scraps until I post the full chapter as soon as I can and beta willing, then this will be deleted.

P.S. It's a bit of a flashback scene set the morning of the Tsukino fire and everything else that happened (which was a lot to fit into one day), so it's also slightly recap-ish because it's been a long time. After this it'll flip over to Light following on from the end of the last chapter. Oh joy. Anyway, I hope you like some B and L dialogue without our lovely and ever so reliable narrator or a 3rd person narrator who has no place here.

P.P.S. There's a short video I made for Those!B on halfpromise tumblr because he makes me sad.

People Collector

Chapter 45 Opening Scene

And every time I think of you
I see the dark, I hear their hooves
They're coming
They're coming for you

"Well, you know what I think."

"Yes, B. Do you want tea or coffee?"

"And he's turned you into a charlady from a town hall, it's a crying shame, Baby Boy, really, I cry!"

"Go ahead, just don't leave a mess. You'll have tea and I'll have coffee. I've decided."

"Lovely… As long as you know that it's never too late to leave, L."

"Right now? I don't need to be there until ten, what do you mean? Leave where for where?"

"Here for wherever. You know that you can always stay with me. You liked staying with me!"

"Eh, that's a stretch. I'm sure that I would have liked it more than I did if I hadn't been under strict lockdown and miserable like I was in purgatory without the balmy climate."

"I didn't think it was that bad."

"No. It wasn't bad, I'm sorry. Obviously I very much appreciate you letting me stay with you and everything else you've done for me. Don't ever think that I'm not grateful to you. It's just… well, this is where I live now. I should never have left really. I thought that it was for the best but I just made things worse because that's what I do! Nothing but a trail of disasters in my wake every time."

"You left for a brilliant, stunning reason, Baby Boy. I thought it was an inspired decision, I really did."

"It definitely wasn't that."

"Aw, poor Baby Boy torturing himself over nothing again, diddums awww. Listen, it's said that sometimes the Universe gives you a kick up the jacksie to set you on the right path. I'm not saying that I believe that, but if I did, in this case it dumped a suicidal man with similar physical characteristics to you in your backyard saying: 'Here you go! This is a great time to fake your own death and get out of a dreadful relationship!' A bit dramatic, but go big or go home I say."

"He can't forgive me for leaving. He's trying, but it's not working. And now he thinks that I want to kill him. I could be wrong here but I think we're having problems."

"Ohhhh there actually is a God, that's such fantastic news! Do you really want to kill him?!"

"No, B."

"Damn and blast it."

"But he thinks that I do. I think he's going mad."

"I know for a fact that he is, Baby Boy, he has been for a long time and it's so utterly hopeless, all we can do is give him a bullet to the head. But that's just my medical opinion of course."

"Stop it, I'm serious."

"So am I."

"Ugh. What I'm saying is that he doesn't trust me at all now."

"No, and rightly so. You've put his life into such conflict and turmoil, you should be ashamed of yourself."

"I am."

"Oh well that's ok then, I forgive you. With Prime Minister Gobshite though, the good news is that when someone has such fixed and unresolved trust issues, there's really very little that can be done. Realistically it's just not going to change. Professionally I say that I can fix it when I can't do any such thing, but since nobody trusts anyone if they have any sense at all, it's my bread and butter you see. You could try the falling exercise to rebuild trust, maybe? But in reality you'd drop him and vice-versa, just consolidating and justifying the fear of betrayal. I recommend that couples do that exercise in my office quite regularly because it's so entertaining to see them drop each other. The flight costs here are terrible, by the way."

"Hmm? Are they? Oh! I'll pay for that. Whenever you want to visit just let me know. Should I transfer the money to cover your costs for this trip?"

"No, L. I can afford it, I had savings. I was just saying that you couldn't be much further away."

"And it's a shittrip waste of money for you, I'm sorry. I'm a terrible host, Light's having an elegant dark night of the soul because he even makes nervous breakdowns elegant, I don't help, and you're just trying to have a nice time but the atmosphere is noxious. I'll reimburse you the costs, with additional compensation for emotional pain and suffering."

"No! Don't worry about that! You know that I don't care about money. I've seen you, and that's enough for me. It's just that in the past we've gone places and seen things."

"Yeah, but I can't really do that so easily at the moment. You've seen that the press are building some kind of yurt village out there. When I leave the house I have a cortege of mopeds following me and they're hard to shake off. I'll book you a few tours though. Educational and cultural guided tours around the country are just what you need to make this visit worthwhile for you! See a few shrines, have a spiritual awakening and you'll be a changed man. I hear that happens sometimes."

"No, that's ok. I'm happy here. It's nice to have a break from seeing idiots, especially one sickly client whose German Shepherd just died. I mean the breed of dog, not a strapping herdsman from Bavaria, because she probably wouldn't have minded that so much. I'm highly offended by her wasting my time with it, you'd think that the world had ended. Before I left for my holiday I said to her: 'I don't know, maybe the world has ended and your dog dying was a sign to let us know because it'd be hard to tell otherwise wouldn't it? Because it couldn't get much worse, let's face it.' Pffff. I'm getting a lot of clients like that these days. I need some time off and hopefully return to some severe psychoses to get my teeth into."

"Okay... haaa… I wish you many seriously troubled individuals of a higher calibre when you get back then."

"Many thanks. I knew you'd understand."

"Let me know if you change your mind about the tours though. I feel shitty leaving you alone so often when I go to the Firm. You should have given me more notice that you were coming, you know. I could have—"

"Said no?"

"Don't be daft. It's just been a drag trying to sort everything out, but there's only one more case I might need to drop in on later today, depending on how it goes. Then I'm all yours."

"Oh! I didn't want you to go to any trouble but that'd be nice."

"It's no trouble for you, you know that. Hey, question. Do I look ok in this suit?"

"Stand up and turn around? Mais Oui! Tu es un homme d'une beauté envoûtante sans comparaison.* Y'know. Fine."

"B… don't make me blush now, you sound like Yves Montand, my my. Light had this suit tailored for me a few years ago after we went to Las Vegas. I mean, Anaheim. My geography is shit these days. He had to open that Ghibli ride at Disneyland, remember? I think I told you about it. It was as pointless as a G7 summit. Anyway, he gave me this as a bonus for organising the whole thing with Disney, who are terrors to deal with by the way."

"I remember, you said."

"Yes. So I found this suit in one of the boxes you packed after… Anyway, I'm just trying the fit to see if it looks terrible or not. I hope it looks atrocious. Fuck. It's too nice for me, isn't it? Damn him. He shouldn't be a politician, he should be a despot tailor on Savile Row. Oh well."

"You're not going to keep it on?"

"I've got no reason to. Might as well get changed into something ordinary. I just wanted to check it because it's been a long time. That reminds me, you packed everything up so well for me. You're better than one of Santa's little helpers, you'd be an excellent removals man, can I give you a little kiss? There. Thank you. You're the best friend anyone could wish for, I hope you know that. Ok, cover your eyes now while I get changed or it'll feel as awkward as a teenage bath house and the guards might think that I run a disappointing strip joint."

"He doesn't like me being here."

"Who? Light? It's not about you. He's angry with me. Just generally angry with me and himself. And everyone else. I don't know if I've told you, but he kind of exposed and destroyed the government and it's having international repercussions. And now there's an election instead of him just resigning like he said he would, so it's a bit stressful. It won't always be as fractious as it is now though. You just came at a bad time, unfortunately. I'm sorry that you're stuck in the middle of it, but it's really nice to see you, I'm glad you came."

"You're so uncharacteristically polite, Baby Boy. You must be upset."

"How do you reckon that? Upset makes me polite, eh? It's amazing that I insist on employing myself when upset and politeness is such a red flag of ineptitude, isn't it?"

"Because you're in a permanent state of upset."

"B, please. If you spend too much time thinking about other people's lives you won't concentrate on your own. Ok, done! You can uncover your eyes now. Cover her face! Mine eyes dazzle! She died young! Other sins only speak; murder shrieeeks out! The element of water moistens the earth, but blood flies upwards and bedews the heavens, haaa. Why did I think of that? How did I remember that?"

"But I love you, Baby Boy."

"Thank you. Love you too."

"Do you?"

"Why do you even have to ask? You're the closest thing to real family that I have. I've known you forever, B, what a stupid question."

"Forever."

"Mmmhmm. We're so old now that it feels like forever, doesn't it? And to think we thought that we'd die in our twenties."

"Forever. Yes, it feels like I've loved you for that long."

"Ben."

"I know. But I hate your fuckfriend."

"Oh God, stop it!"

"Well that's all he is to you really, isn't he?"

"No!"

"Of course he is, you're just so emotionally damaged you can't let yourself admit it. There's no excuse for the way he treats you. As a wholly biased observer, he causes you more pain than a nightclub full of ones just like him but without his neuroses and baggage. A politician, L? That's the best you could come up with? Every day he changes you little by little and I don't like to see that. He doesn't even respect you!"

"I would hope not."

"He doesn't respect you, let alone deserve you. And you deserve far more. You deserve the world."

"But he is my world now, B."

"Arghhhhbleaghhhaghhh! Why why why?!"

"Don't hit your head with the tea tray, and don't think too badly of him. If I was him I'd probably do far worse."

"He's going to kill you. I don't think I've ever heard him say anything nice to you, he just assaults you and now he's going to kill you. It's written all over his admittedly very good looking face, but that's camouflage, his soul is as ugly as sin, Baby Boy!"

"To be fair, my soul isn't so pretty either. You don't know him."

"Ah, the ashamed, excusing defence of the dependent collaborator in a cycle of violence. I haven't heard it for a while."

"B?"

"Yes?"

"Please would you support me in this? I don't need to hear these things. Especially not from you."

"I'm always on your side, Baby Boy, but I can't condone what you're doing here, I just can't. Speaking as a soul healer now, I think you've made and are continuing to make a terrible mistake that affects more than just you two in your selfish, destructive little microcosm. Speaking as someone who loves you, I don't care about anyone else. I care that you're hurting yourself through having anything to do with him. He's going to kill you and you'll let him. I can't support that. You can't expect me to. Tell me I'm wrong."

"Why don't we talk about your mum?"

"Ok! She's dead! Could you pass me a biscuit?"

"What?"

"You've got Ginger Nuts or something over there, I was just wondering if I could have one. Oh! My mum? Yep. Died in my arms. Terribly sad."

"Fuck, B, when did that happen? Are you being serious? Because it's not funny to joke about that, not with Mrs. B."

"I'm not joking, it's old news. L? I was thinking of going home early and I was hoping that you'd come with me. Just for a little break, a tiny, teeny, ever so small break so you and the evil emperor can just process. Like hair dye with 40% developer left on for a week or so. Ooh, thanks for the biscuits. Genuine handmade biscotti imported from Tuscany? Not your average bog-standard biscuits then, how fancy, they must have been expensive! You do spoil me, Baby boy."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh! Well, I was waiting for an opportunity to run the idea by you as a brilliant idea that you should definitely take me up on, we'd have a wonderful time!"

"I mean about your mum."

"You won't come with me?"

"No. Why didn't you tell me?

"There wasn't much to say really. She died. Buried next to Dad and everything now. I'm selling her place but no one wants to buy it since the street flooded, and then there was that gas explosion a few doors down, the drug bust and that drive-by shooting. Also, you know, it's not a great area."

"Jesus. I'm sorry. I thought you said that she was doing ok?"

"A few years ago, yes, but then she had to go into a hospice and never came out because no one ever does apart from the staff and visitors, it's like the Hotel California. That's the point of them though, isn't it? The 'make them comfortable and wait while surrounded by cut flowers which are also dying but will outlive them anyway' hospices. Death hangs heavy in the air there, you can't wash it off, it sticks to you. I don't suppose you've ever been to one?"

"No… When did it happen?"

"Oh, I don't know, a few weeks ago?"

"And you didn't mention it!? Clearly not. So, can I do anything? I could have a look into the inheritance tax situation and have the London branch get around that. What is it in the UK again? About 40% over the nil rate band there now? Those HMRC bastards. They tried to rob me when The Judge died, but I'd have none of it. Someone works all their life so the government can take a slice in taxes, and after you die they want the rest of it. Robbing coffins in broad daylight, I swear!"

"Don't talk taxes, I hate taxes. It'd be well under the threshold anyway, it's not like The Judge's estate. She lived on an estate, not The Judge's Grade I listed mansion with hundreds of acres kind of estate. Thanks though."

"I still think that you should have told me this."

"No, you were busy and it's not like you can resurrect her or anything. And I'm not sure I'd want you to, it'd be like 'The Monkey's Paw'! Remember we read that at school and it scared you?"

"I wasn't scared."

"Yes you were, it was adorable. Anyway, unless you can do a Lazarus trick as another gift of yours that you've kept quiet and which I'd be hugely impressed by, you can't do anything, hehe! Nice tea, Baby Boy. Look at me dunking this handmade biscotti from Tuscany in it, how rebellious and loutish of me, just like those Brits who go to Spain and expect a full English breakfast there. So. The way he treats you."

"Who?"

"The Prime Minister."

"Oh… Sorry, I'm just shocked. Poor Mrs. B. What did she die from?"

"Life. You're more upset than I was, don't fret yourself, let's move on to the living. About the Prime Minister and how he treats you. Look how he storms out like a sneaky thundercloud without a word, he's so rude!"

"I made a habit of leaving, so I can't really criticise him for not announcing his departure. He's up to something though. I've thought that for a few days, I just don't know what it is. I don't know a lot of things at the moment."

"That's not like you."

"Don't rub it in. Oh! He's taking the afternoon off, I forgot to tell you. At least, that's what he said, so just be nice if he's back before me and maybe you could sit in the garden for a while? He never goes in the garden, and definitely won't if you're there, don't take offence, he just won't want to reapply sunscreen. I'll leave some money in case you want to take a taxi somewhere else instead."

"I have money, L, stop treating me like the poor relation. I don't know why you'd come back especially for him after he stuffed you into a tiny box room the size of a commode, I've never heard of such a thing, I'm furious about it, why aren't you?"

"Because I'm still in the master bedroom. He's moved himself into a guest room. Things will be better after the election maybe, unless Tsukino wins. Light's angry with me about that as well."

"Why? What could he expect you to do about that unless he wants you to kill the opposition or something? I wouldn't put it past him having everyone killed. It'd probably be his happy place"

"He… He's just stressed. It'll blow over. He won't be able to stand the mattress in the guest room for long, because I bought it and it wasn't anything special."

"But—"

"Yeah, ok, how he treats me. Let's just say that I might not deserve it most of the time, but he doesn't know why because I haven't told him. That's the main reason why he's angry with me actually, because he knows that I'm hiding something from him. But there are a lot of reasons for him to be angry with me, so … Ok? Leave it now. Try to be pleasant to him for me? It'd mean a lot."

"What are you hiding from him?"

"I'm not even sure yet."

"You're not sure of what?"

"Nothing! It's your everyday domestic nonsense, nothing interesting. We have skirmishes because we're mutually scornful of each other's occupations and personalities."

"You're not ill are you? I didn't think that you looked well but I assumed that that's the effect he has on people after long-term exposure. I told you to take better care of yourself, when you lived with me you looked almost alive sometimes except for when you grew that massive muff on your face, I'll forgive you for that one day, but now you're back in this mess and found a razor, you're dying of som—"

"Whooo ok no stop. I'm not dying of anything, I thrive on stress. I'm tired."

"So what are you hiding from him?"

*Translation (please correct me if this is incorrect): "But yes! You are a man of haunting beauty without comparison."