I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book have been borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
It was quiet when I made my way in from work except for the low volume of the TV. I toed off my boots and walked into the living room with lunch kit in hand, ready to place it on the kitchen counter before washing up after a long shift at the hardware store.
My brothers were huddled up on the couch together with Gus resting on the floor by Pony's feet. Nothing was said as I walked through, and I looked around and found no sign of Two-Bit.
"Gave Beth a lift to work." Soda announced softly; reading my mind like he always managed to do.
I nodded, but didn't say anything back. Things had been tense since the topic of moving up to Canada with Two-Bit had been brought up. It seemed as though I was the only one with reservations on the subject while Beth and Soda were ready to jump in Two-Bit's car and high-tail it out of Tulsa. So far, Ponyboy knew nothing about any of it, and I was a little more than dreading his reaction when the conversation would finally take place.
I sighed to myself as I headed for the bathroom to take care of my bladder and wash up before I sat down to eat the supper my brothers left for me. When I returned to the kitchen, I could hear them shuffling together from the other room, and I curiously wondered what they were up to.
I peered around the corner and watched on as Pony thumbed the dog tags that hung around Soda's neck. He looked at his brother cautiously as he clumsily lifted the ball chain, and proceeded to pull it from over top of Sodapop's head and off from around his neck. Before Soda could say anything, Pony was pulling Sodapop's dog tags over his own head. It was the first time he'd taken them off since I'd placed them around his neck myself—back when we both believed that we'd never see, hear, or feel our brother again.
Pony pointed to each set of dog tags before looking up at his brother lovingly. I didn't know what was running through his head just then, but of course Soda's sharp intake of breath let me know he'd figured it out before he threw his arm around Ponyboy's shoulders to pull him closer. He clenched his eyes shut and kissed Pony's forehead before nodding to him and moving his arm back.
I sat awestruck as I watched how they maneuvered together. It was a bit clumsy as they both only had their right hands to use, but they became one unit as together they managed to unclasp both chains first before shuffling one of Steve's tags to lie with one of Soda's, and one of Soda's next to Steve's. The ball chains were each fastened, and my brothers were returning the tags around each other's neck before leaning into each other to watch tv like nothing out of the ordinary just happened.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and quietly backed up before turning to walk over to the sink. I fought hard as I stared out at the old oak tree, but I felt my tears fall anyways. I didn't want to bother anyone with my over-sensitivity right then, or the way my two brothers could just gut me with their love towards each other, so I just closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm myself, inwardly cursing when my throat tensed up and my jaw started to tremble.
I didn't realize that I wasn't alone until I felt my right arm lift without my control, and Ponyboy was curling himself up under that arm and tucking himself into my side. I could only stifle a sob when Sodapop took his place at my left with his arm wound around my waist, and he nudged my jaw with his nose. My brother's' tenderness towards me set me off, and before I knew it, I was a blubbering mess in front of them.
"Shhhh…we gotcha Darry." Soda whispered before he kissed my cheek and pulled me in tighter.
I nodded but didn't say anything—not trusting myself to speak. I closed my eyes in order to will my tears away, but being mashed in between the two of them seemed to overwhelm me.
)"I don't let you guys know enough. I…I don't say it enough, but I love you guys…so much." My words hiccuped as I finally decided to speak. "I know it ain't been easy…it's been horrible, actually…" I laughed at the ugly truth of it all.
Nothing had ever been easy for the three of us. Life had only been cruel and uncertain over the last five years, but in that the three of us had managed to find our way back to one another. Against all of the odds.
"I never wanted this for you two. You deserve so much more…I want so much for you both…" My voice broke, and I found myself sobbing over everything that could've been, and everything that was instead.
"Shhhh, Darry. C'mon now, let's sit down. It's okay, just breathe with us, okay?"
I nodded and followed my brothers as they both led me to sit at the kitchen table. I hid my face in my hands as I listened to chairs being moved; Sodapop's quiet instruction for Pony to sit to my right, and when I finally mustered the courage, I sat up straight and let my hands fall to my lap.
"I…I just wish I could've given you guys more. I wish I could…could've done more to keep you both safe. I…I never meant to make it worse..." I stuttered pathetically.
"Shhhh, enough now." Soda held my head to his shoulder. "You've given us everything. Nobody else would've done what you did…what you do everyday. We ain't never wanted for anythin' you didn't provide us, Darry." Soda spoke softly.
"You're my hero, Darry. You're like a real-life one even." Pony tugged on the front of my shirt, and I pulled my face from Soda's neck to look at the sincerity in my youngest brother's eyes.
"You saved me. You're the one that saved my life. You found me…and you found Soda and brought him back to us. You're everything!"
My brother's' earnestness brought forth the other matter that had been gnawing at the back of my head all day.
"This is our home. Our life is here. How are we gonna just up and leave?" I locked eyes with Soda, knowing we needed to talk whether Ponyboy was privy to the topic of conversation or not.
"This is just four walls and a roof. Home is you, Darry. Home is Ponyboy. I just need you two. It don't matter where, the rest will work itself out."
"We're leavin'?" Ponyboy tucked himself back into my side nervously, and I brought my arm to settle around him in comfort.
"I ain't tryin' to nag Pepsi, but you haven't even been back that long. I worry you're only running away from all that's happened. Have you talked to Sandy lately? What happens to Jack if we do go?"
Soda tensed up as he sat straight, breaking eye contact with me. I was worried he'd take offence to my concerns, but I didn't want to leave it up to chance. Soda's heart was still a fragile thing, and I was well aware that his well-being was balanced on a fine line.
"Where are we goin'? I'm comin' too, right? You're not leavin' me behind?" I could feel Pony get himself worked up, but I couldn't help but roll my eyes as I jostled him playfully by the shoulder.
"Yeah, you're comin'. Soda's too old and won't put up with my bullshit anymore. That leaves you."
"Where we goin' then?"
"Well…" I paused, wondering if there was a certain way I should bring up the topic, but then decided to just be direct. "Two-Bit wants us to leave Tulsa and move up to Canada with him."
Ponyboy didn't say anything, in fact I couldn't read him at all. His eyes broke contact with mine, and he stared at my shirt blankly while I waited for him to say something. He was silent.
"Whatcha thinkin' about, kiddo?" Soda's voice was soft and gentle as he leaned forward to try to catch Ponyboy's gaze, but Pony continued to stare blankly at my chest.
"Hey," I frowned, suddenly feeling worried over Ponyboy's lack of reaction. His face was completely void of any expression, and he continued his silence.
Gus seemed to appear out of nowhere, letting out a sudden bark that startled Soda and I so much we both about jumped out of our seats. He started to whine, and pawed at Pony's arm. I gave a tug on his collar to get him off of my brother, but then I noticed Ponyboy's breathing change and his left hand started to tremble and contract into an awkward, crooked fist.
"Pony," Soda quickly stood up from his chair to move closer to his brother.
Pony didn't answer, but the side of his face twitched and I looked on worriedly as Gus rested his head in Pony's lap. Sodapop was gently running his hand through Pony's hair before it dawned on me that he was in the middle of a seizure.
"It's okay, Pony. Shhhh…I'm right here, honey. Darry's right here. You're okay…it's gonna be okay."
My hand dragged down my face in frustration. After all this time I failed to catch on to what was happening sooner. I was so preoccupied with the looming prospect of moving, I hadn't paid any mind to the signs.
Ponyboy choked off a groan and broke me out of my guilt. His head fell back and then to the side, and I moved to grab his hand when Gus started to whine and paw at Ponyboy's lap again.
"Good dog, Gus. Good dog!"
Soda praised the mutt, and it suddenly occurred to me that Two-Bit's companion knew what was happening before we did. I looked on at him in unbelievable awe, reaching out to scratch his head when Soda's voice brought me back to the present.
"Darry, can you go fetch me a towel?"
I stood up without question, and grabbed the tea towel that hung from the oven door handle, passing it over to my brother who seamlessly was aiding our little brother through his seizure. It was like second nature to him.
"Shhhh…" Soda soothed before leaning his face against Ponyboy's.
Ponyboy's head lolled to the right as Sodapop gently dabbed the saliva that spilled from the corner of his mouth. I reached for Pony's crooked hand, and gently held it in mine while softly petting the top of it, hoping my brother would start to come back.
"You're safe, Pony." I reassured him as I gave his hand a gentle squeeze, and Pony let out a guttural groan before his eyes closed.
"Hey now, you listen to Darry. You're safe here with us, alright? We got ya, Pone. Ain't nothin' ever gonna hurt you again 'long as we stay together. No need to get your shorts in a bunch just 'cause we're talkin' 'bout movin'. It's just talk, honey. Ain't nobody packin' any bags yet."
"Is that what's wrong?" I asked baffled.
Ponyboy's seizures were often unpredictable, but it would be just like Sodapop to pick up clues as to what could and would set our little brother off.
"Stress, Darry. You know as well as I do how sensitive he's always been." Was all Soda said as he rubbed his forehead against the side of Pony's head.
I blew out a long sigh as I began to realize I wasn't the only one daunted by the idea of moving.
"I'm sorry, you guys." I mumbled as I watched on, and noticed Ponyboy's eyes as they opened and slowly started to focus.
"That's it, sweetpea." Soda encouraged as Pony blinked his eyes and brought his good hand up to wipe the back of it over his mouth.
Pony looked as though he was about to say something, but all that came out was a muddled groan, and he grimaced in frustration.
"It's okay, little buddy. It'll come, don't force it." I said gently, and smiled when Pony nodded.
"It's gonna be okay, guys." Soda leaned into Pony and smiled as Pony slowly moved his arm to rest his hand on his brother's leg. "We've come this far. We're staying together…it don't matter where we're at does it? As long as we're together."
And again I was in awe at how Soda could just cut through the shit and see the big picture, and suddenly uprooting our lives to a place so far away and foreign wasn't so scary because my brother was right—after everything, we still had one another. Against all of the odds and all of the nightmares life had thrown at us, we'd found our way back to one another.
We were staying together.
It was quiet as I drove home, but I could feel Beth's eyes as they were focused on me. I considered making idle conversation about how her shift went, just to be saying something, but it'd been a long night explaining to my youngest brother how I'd rather cut off my arm than to live a second of my life without him.
I didn't get the response I wanted when he started to cry, but Soda was convinced it was from the seizure, and not because of what I'd said.
"I think we got enough one handed wonders in this family, don't you?" Soda playfully back-handed my chest before crawling into bed beside his brother.
"Ain't you two a little old to be sharin' that bed? He's twenty fuckin' years old, Sodapop." I cocked an eyebrow at him.
I got a middle finger stuck up at me before he threw his arm over and around his brother, so I left their bedroom without another word.
Of course I worried myself the entire night and barely slept a wink before I was up and driving to the hospital first thing in the morning to pick my wife up after her night shift.
I held the door open for her after we made our way up the steps to the porch, and when she looked at me with tired eyes, I looked down at my feet.
"Just gonna sit on the step for a bit and get some fresh air."
She didn't say anything, just reached out to press her hand against my cheek before sleepily turning to step into the house. I let the screen door clap shut behind her as I turned to sit down on the steps, and wondered what it would be like sitting on different steps, looking out into a different yard.
My chest felt a little heavy as I silently reminisced over the last twenty-five years. This house, this neighborhood, this town and country was all I ever knew. It represented my life—successes and failures; the good and the bad, and it was difficult to let go. Despite growing up dirt poor and living on the wrong side of the tracks, I'd never really wanted anything for myself. With the exception of losing those I'd loved and cared for I was content.
A chill crawled up my spine when I thought back to that night Martin Campbell had helped himself into our home, and I realized our home no longer meant the same to Soda or Ponyboy. They'd been terrorized that night. The home they grew up in was no longer able to offer the same protection it once had. I thought of the countless nightmares my youngest brother still endured—how at the age of twenty he still couldn't rest without his brother laying next to him, and I was ashamed.
The proffered cup of coffee broke me out of my reverie, and I looked over to my wife as she sat down on the step beside me and couldn't help but run my hand through those copper locks of hair. She smiled before taking a sip from her own coffee cup, then rested her head on my shoulder and looked out at the yard while I wrapped my arm around her.
"I love you." I couldn't not say it to her.
She'd been my rock when I'd hit the lowest possible points in my life. From Ponyboy being tortured to the brink of death, to Sodapop choosing a path that would steal him from us for what felt like a lifetime, and my own brush with self-loathing so strong I almost lost everything in my life for a bottle. She was there on the other side in spite of all of this. I could never give back what she'd given me, but I could spend the rest of my life trying.
"I love you." She replied as she pressed a tender kiss to my face before settling her head back onto my shoulder. "Everything okay, babe?"
"Mmhmm," I nodded with a grin, because for the first time in my life I'd felt it.
"I'll put in my notice. When do you think we'll be ready to go?" She gazed at me knowingly, reminding me of my brother and his voodoo mind-reading trick he liked to pull out on me.
"Two-Bit's anxious to get back. There'll be a lot to close up here—gotta talk to Harris, the bank. Have people to thank and friends to say goodbye to."
I turned my hand so the palm was facing upwards, and Beth placed her hand overtop and squeezed.
"What made you change your mind?" She asked before taking another sip of coffee.
I blew out a long sigh and shrugged. "Everything. I've been holding onto the past without really seeing things. So much has happened, and every road we've been down still lead to us finding each other again. It don't matter where we go—what path leads us where. All roads lead to home."
"You're a wonderful man, Darrel Curtis and I'm so blessed that you came into my life."
I felt my face heat up at her praise, but returned her kiss with fervour. She laughed at my shyness after everything we'd been through, and I rolled my eyes thinking of some smart quip to throw back at her for teasing me.
"Darry," I grinned, and joined her when she broke out into a full-bellied laugh.
"You scared?"
His question was honest without judgement, but I still couldn't meet his gaze. Instead I concentrated on the finger of his that my own was feathering over. Back and forth, back and forth; my index finger travelled over Soda's own, while my other fingers were curled possessively around his hand.
I shrugged, not really knowing how to answer the question. We were leaving everything familiar; everything familiar was going to be left behind, but it was time to put those things in the past so that we could finally move forward.
Together.
"How long you think you'll be?" Soda's voice trembled as he watched me play with his finger.
"Gotta meet with the bank tomorrow about the house. Beth's finishing this month's rotation. Maybe three weeks?" I shrugged, and gave Soda's hand a firm squeeze when he bit his bottom lip and nodded sullenly.
"Drive's gonna be a long one. Goin' backasswards to Florida so I can see Jack."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Dunno," Soda shrugged helplessly and gave a tearful smile. "I want her and Jack in my life, but I put her through hell when I came back Stateside, Darry. I was a mess and I took it out on her, and I don't know if she can just get over that."
"You gotta give her a chance, little buddy. She loved you enough to stick by you at your worst. Let her love you enough to share your life with her while you heal."
Soda huffed out a laugh while he nodded and let the tears spill over, and I couldn't help but smile.
"Sunshine," I whispered, and grinned when Sodapop turned beet red and rolled his eyes at me.
"Don't you dare!" He laughed. "If you break out into song I'm movin' to Jacksonville!"
I smiled as I let go of his hand and stroked his face instead. My heart ached, and my smile faded with the thought of us being separated again, even though it would only be for a few weeks.
"Take him with you." I swallowed hard, and almost changed my mind when Sodapop's eyes welled up all over again.
"What? Darry…I don't…what if…I don't…he needs you!"
I shook my head, and brushed my hand over his cheek again. "He needs you and me, but you know him in ways I never will, Soda. He thrives when you're around. I can't hold him back anymore. You once told me that you wanted him, so take him with you. I'm gonna be tied up with the loose ends and it won't be fair to him. Take Pony with you."
"Are you sure?" Sodapop looked on at me as though I were insane, but I'd never been so sure of anything in my life.
"You take such good care of him, Pepsi. I know he's in the best of hands as long as he's with you."
He sighed, and looked so unsure of himself that he looked like he was sixteen again, but I had no doubt that our baby brother was in the best of care. Sodapop was more than skilled for the task of caring for our baby brother and his various needs—physical and emotional. Nobody else I knew could do the job better.
"I have a great teacher," Soda spoke softly as he gave me a small smile.