Author's notes: I'm jumping out of chronological order with a fic that I wrote a year and a half ago and which takes place nearly a year after my previous one, "A Tale of Two Presidents". A year and a half ago the time wasn't right to publish it, but now I think it's finally ready.

The idea for this one was triggered by the art used in the banner for the Haruhi Suzumiya wikia. Mikuru's replacement had already been taking form in my mind due to an upcoming fic which follows the SOS Brigade as they apply to colleges, so I figured why not introduce her in this story. I couldn't imagine Haruhi doing what she does in this story any earlier than her last year of high school anyway.

Hope you all enjoy. As always, reviews are appreciated.

The characters and milieu of this fan fiction work are property of Nagaru Tanigawa, Kyoto Animation, and Funimation, with the exception of Umeko Nonaka, who is my original creation.

The Ceremony

This latest oddity in the legion of oddities I've lived through since Haruhi Suzumiya barged her way into my life, leaving the door open for all the supernatural riff-raff to come in, began with Umeko Nonaka. Once Miss Asahina graduated, even Haruhi could recognize that we needed a new recruit to the SOS Brigade pronto, or the Student Council President would shut us down as an illegitimate club due to our having less than five members. So, after once again running her insane membership tests, Haruhi announced to the assembled club members that Miss Nonaka had qualified to be the SOS Brigade's latest recruit.

"But you haven't done the final test yet," I objected. "You know, the race."

"That race was a stupid idea," she answered. "It doesn't test brains, or imagination, or enthusiasm, just raw physical ability. And last year it wiped out nearly all of the candidates for recruitment! Honestly, Kyon, you should know better than to even think of bringing back such a disaster."

Her hypocrisy was nothing new, but her overall logic escaped me. "If it was such a bad idea, then why don't you just invite all the candidates who made it that far last year to join?"

"That was last year. If they couldn't hack the tests this year, then it doesn't matter that they could last year. Things change, Kyon; you should know that."

"So you really think Nonaka, and no one else, did a decent job on the tests this year?"

"What is the matter with you?" She was scowling now. "When I looked over Nonaka's test answers with you, you agreed that she was the most promising one. Do you just not want us to recruit any new members this year? Is that it?"

No, that wasn't it. See, when looking over those test answers, I hadn't yet attached the name Umeko Nonaka to the face. She was one of those girls who you say has great personality, tactfully pretending that the rest of the package doesn't matter. You wouldn't call Nonaka fat; it was more that her head, her thighs, and her overall body all came in an unpleasant egg shape. It was a body type so unalluring that you couldn't help but feel that her looks would actually be improved if she engaged in overeating. The fact that such a figure belonged to a girl who saw regular exercise and a normal, restrained diet was somehow disturbing. She had a pleasant smile, and her eyes flashed with a distinct spark when she was surprised, but her default expression was utterly flat and bland.

I was smart enough to adapt my objection into something slightly less shallow and superficial. "Look, you said when you first started the SOS Brigade that we need at least one moe character. Where's Nonaka's moe appeal?"

"I knew it. You're just grouchy because Mikuru's gone." Haruhi folded her arms. "Anyway, Nonaka has irresistible mother hen instincts. That gives her moe appeal."

I think I can say with certainty that this is the first time in history anyone described being a mother hen as moe.

"Also, yesterday I tried her tea, and her tea-making skill is out of this world!"

I covered my face with one hand. "Please tell me you're not thinking of putting Nonaka into a maid costume."

"Of course not. Nonaka would never agree to something like that. Besides, Mikuru's maid costume wouldn't fit her."

You would have repurposed Miss Asahina's maid costume? Have you no respect for anything that's sacred and pure?

Koizumi and Nagato were infuriatingly silent, the former shuffling a deck of cards and the latter sitting and reading. Why couldn't either of them speak up and point out the flaws in Haruhi's logic?

"That's the whole idea, isn't it?" I shot back at Haruhi. "Nonaka wouldn't do any of the things Miss Asahina would do. You're choosing her specifically because she's the complete opposite of Miss Asahina."

"What do you want, a Mikuru clone?" Her face finally twisted into real anger. "Well, you can forget it!" She slammed her palms down on the table in front of me. "There aren't any candidates for the SOS Brigade who are like Mikuru, there aren't even any students at North High who are like Mikuru, and even if there were, I wouldn't have her join. Because Mikuru is gone, Kyon, and she's not coming back!"

I glared at her. "You know, I don't expect much from you, but somehow I thought even you would have the decency and restraint not to gloat about that. This is a dream come true for you, isn't it? Miss Asahina made everyone happy, and that took attention away from you. You're glad she's gone, and you picked a replacement who you figured wouldn't interest anyone the way she did."

Part of me whispered that I was going too far, but now that it had achieved some momentum, the anger that had been building inside me ever since the loss of Miss Asahina, our dear clubroom angel, would not be slowed. To never again have her sweet presence lighting up the room with a cute smile and a cup of tea was almost too much to bear, and having her place in the group taken by another was just twisting the knife. And Haruhi, the evil queen to Miss Asahina's Snow White, got nothing but satisfaction out of this. If the only way she could be the fairest in the land was by eliminating the competition, then so be it.

To top it off, Koizumi and Nagato weren't even offering the silent resistance of a huntsman.

"All you care about is having the whole universe revolve around you," I finished. "The fact that you're making the rest of us miserable doesn't matter to you."

"You don't even know Umeko!" Haruhi shot back at me, inexplicably switching to Nonaka's given name. "How can you say that she's going to make you all miserable?"

"It's not Nonaka who's making us miserable." I jabbed an index finger at her. "It's your attitude. The one bright spot in this club is gone, and your first response is to trample all over the hole left by her absence."

Somehow, I thought that might be the final wake-up call Haruhi needed to realize how selfish she'd been, and finally start showing some real responsibility and compassion for her brigade members.

Well, it was a wake-up call of a sort.

Haruhi's eyes flashed. "So Mikuru was the one bright spot in the SOS Brigade for you, was she?" Her fingers dug into the clubroom table. "You never liked anything else here at all? Not any of the adventures? Not the mysteries? Not the searches for extraterrestrial life? Not the treasure hunts? Not your little talks with Koizumi? Not protecting little Yuki? None of that was fun for you at all?"

"I didn't -"

"Then it's pretty obvious what you should do now that Mikuru's gone, right?" I could almost see flames in her eyes now. "Leave!"

I blinked. "What?"

"Leave! If there's nothing left for you in this club, then you should just stop coming! Even you should be able to figure that out." She thrust a finger at the door. "Get out!"

"No."

"Are you trying to be difficult, or are you just completely stupid? All you care about is Mikuru, and Mikuru isn't here, and she isn't going to be here ever again! So for the last time, GET... OUT!"

I folded my arms. "I'm not leaving."

"Then I am! Here!" She ripped off her armband and flung it at me. "You know so much about leading a club, and choosing new members, then you wear this!"

She darted from the room, not even taking the time to dramatically slam the door closed behind her.

For a moment, there was silence in the clubroom. I have to admit, I was a bit stunned. It wasn't like Haruhi to just run out in the middle of an argument with me. She usually enjoyed our little tiffs, and after all, it wasn't like she could ever lose one, since she'd never been bound by logic or consistency. And to admit surrender right in front of the whole brigade? It was as if she were genuinely upset.

Come to think of it, I was genuinely upset. Because...

Koizumi leaned close to me. "Has it dawned on you yet?"

"What?"

He sighed. "Perhaps you need a clue. Miss Nonaka is another time traveler."

I twitched in surprise. "Another one? That's..."

"Most assuredly not a coincidence. Miss Suzumiya's instincts guided her choice of brigade members once again. She wanted a full complement of the paranormal. In other words, Miss Nonaka's superficial lack of similarity to Miss Asahina had nothing to do with it."

"Oh." I paused. "Of course not."

I'm an idiot.

"Knowing that, your course of action should be fairly obvious, yes?"

Damn it. Haruhi is really going to be in a mood now. "Nagato, do you think you could try...?"

But Nagato was silently pointing towards the door. I guess she thought my course of action was pretty obvious, too.

With a sigh, I stood up, picked up Haruhi's armband, and walked out the door.

Couldn't this wait until she's cooled down a little? It's not like the world's going to end tomorrow.

But I remembered the look on Haruhi's face right before she stormed out. I knew from experience that I didn't want to leave her with that look for too long. Plus, Koizumi was apparently allowing us privacy. If I waited until tomorrow, the Organization would have eyes and ears all around Haruhi.

Of course, I didn't know where she'd run off to. I just had an idea. An idea that developed into a working theory as I heard enraged yelling and saw students fleeing from the calligraphy club room with cries of mortal terror.

One of them was a girl I knew, or rather was casually acquainted with, from middle school. "Don't go in there, Kyon, she's -"

"On the warpath, I know," I sighed, holding up a hand and continuing my tread towards the calligraphy club room. "Don't worry; I'll take care of it. That's my job, remember?" Honestly, by this time it was pretty unusual to bump into someone who hadn't yet heard that I was Haruhi Suzumiya's official handler. I curse Ryoko Asakura for being the first to give me that title far more than I do for trying to kill me twice. (Or was it three times? Universe alterations are confusing.)

I sidled my way through the stampede of fleeing students and stepped into the room, closing the door behind me.

Haruhi stood in the center, her back towards me, her whole body trembling. I'll be honest with you: Seeing her like this made me feel lower than a cockroach.

"You didn't need to kick them out," I said. "There are empty rooms around." I said that even though I had a good hunch there was a reason she went to the calligraphy club. After all, this was the club Miss Asahina was in before Haruhi forced her to quit and join the SOS Brigade.

"Get out of here." She clutched her arms more tightly about herself in an apparent attempt to make herself stop trembling. "You're a traitor to the SOS Brigade!"

"Is that so?"

"That's so. What else do you call it when you openly declare that your only interest in the club is one of its former members, rejecting everything the club has ever stood for?"

"That's not what I said." I quickly rethought that claim. "...Okay, so that's what I meant. But I didn't mean it. It's just that I miss her."

"I miss her too. But life has to go on, you know?"

"I know. I'm -"

"Why can't you even give Umeko a chance? I really like her." She said this in such a sincere tone, I didn't have the heart to point out that she'd known Nonaka for less than a week.

"Okay. I'll give her a chance. If she's good enough to pass even your insane tests, she must be more than good enough for me."

She'd stopped trembling, but now her voice was bitter and sniping. "You're so shallow. Whenever you meet a girl, all you care about is how cute she looks."

You're the one who recruited Miss Asahina on the sole account of her breast size. "I said, I'll give her a chance. I withdraw all objections to Umeko Nonaka joining the SOS Brigade."

This was getting frustrating. Among other things, I was still talking to the back of Haruhi's head.

"You're still shallow. And stupid. And I can't believe you're going to just leave me."

"Damn it. Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth: I'm not leaving."

"Not right now, maybe. But we graduate at the end of the year." She lowered her head. "Then you'll be gone."

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

Haruhi whirled around and glared at me, silently demanding an explanation. That was almost enough to make me laugh harder. But honestly, I'm not much of a laugher; it was all over after five seconds of mild chuckling. Still the biggest laugh I'd had in months.

"Sorry to ruin your pity party, but graduation won't be the last you see of me by a long shot. I'll be going to the same college as you. Everyone in the SOS Brigade will."

Her eyes went wide with surprise. "You? In the same college as me?"

"Call me stupid all you like, but my grades are almost as good as yours now. If we just keep up the tutoring, I can make it in. I mean to stick by you no matter what."

"What about after college?"

After college? As in, five years from now? "Don't you think it's just a little early to be thinking about that?"

"Ugh, I hate that expression. It's so illogical. If you have to think about something at all, then the sooner the better. How do you expect to stick with me after college?"

That was seriously too much for me to think about. "I don't know. We'll work something out." I handed over her armband. "Here. This belongs to you."

She took it, and smiled, though her eyelids looked strained, like she was still trying to hold back tears. "I guess it would have been pretty irresponsible for me to leave you in charge of the SOS Brigade. You would probably have turned it into the Sit and Do Nothing All Afternoon Syndicate."

"Something like that," I admitted. I wouldn't have chosen a gaudy name like that, but okay.

She carefully put the armband back on. "So we're going to be okay without Mikuru? You're sure about that?"

I nodded. "Yeah. We're going to be okay."

What happened next, I can't exactly explain. Neither of us consciously intended for it to happen – at least, I didn't, and I can't imagine that Haruhi would have.

What I saw was, Haruhi was looking a little emotionally wrung-out, presumably from Mikuru being gone and our fight, and she started to lean towards me. I thought she was going to faint, so I stepped forward and reached out for her. Yes, I know that girls don't just faint like that in real life, but I wasn't really thinking, just reacting. You know how it is: your mind jumps to conclusions, and when one of those conclusions requires immediate action, you don't stop to question it. I made my misguided attempt at a catch, and the next thing I knew, I had my arms around Haruhi, and she had her arms around me, face pressed against my chest.

Now, here's the scary part. I told you we didn't consciously intend for it to happen, but this wasn't like one of those silly accidental kisses you see in anime. There was no moment of awkwardness, no terrified detachment accompanied by comical blushing, stammered apologies, and/or indignant slaps. Just two or three seconds of reassuring warmth and closeness, following by us calmly letting go, and Haruhi walking out, saying, "Come on, now; Yuki and Koizumi will be waiting for us." As if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. That hug wasn't planned, but it wasn't really an accident, either.

I just stood there for a minute as Haruhi walked out, realizing what had just happened. Not just the hug. A year ago, I would never have expressed my feelings for Haruhi so openly. A year and a half ago, I wouldn't have had those feelings at all.

What has she done to me?

I guess I should clarify that rhetorical question. I wasn't thinking that Haruhi had used her powers on me; I'd have to be insane to think she would ever do that. No, she'd done something far more insidious.

In some way that I couldn't quite grasp, Haruhi had wormed her way into my head and strung up my emotions like puppets. My feelings towards her had been flipped upside down, and my attachment to her was way stronger than was healthy. Everything had changed when Kuyoh Suoh and that Sneering Bastard tried to kill Haruhi last year. Damn both of them to the Moon and back for that. Haruhi had rigged a trap in my heart, and they had triggered it.

For a while I had told myself that buying that SOS Brigade anniversary present and visiting her room in the middle of the night to give it to her was some sort of time traveling trickery. That the Sneering Bastard had brought me to that place and time in a gesture of revenge, requiring me to get a present so I would have some explanation for my presence which wouldn't be grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit, or that Koizumi had arranged it all when I lost consciousness during the big showdown with the SOS Brigade's rivals. However, while those were both plausible, they simply weren't what had happened. I got that gift for her because I wanted to. And I wanted it to be the best gift I could possibly get her. That's how thoroughly she had enslaved me.

I'd need to be careful. Being attached to someone like Haruhi was dangerous; she was completely heedless of others, and openly despised love. Given the chance, she would tear my heart right out without even thinking about it. And if I didn't watch my step, the leash she had me on could get even shorter and tighter.

The thing was, though, I had already made a careless error in that regard.

"We'll work something out." I had said that without thinking, not meaning anything by it. But it had meant an awful lot to Haruhi, as I was soon to discover in a most horrifying manner.