Chapter 18

Better Off Dead

Fallenfrost couldn't sleep well that night, especially after burying Dewkit the following morning with the assistance of Tallpoppy and Snaketail. Her visions were now haunted and clouded by the death of kits, but she felt something squirming in her stomach. Was it apprehension?

That night, her mind was hazy and grim. There was warm sunlight streaming down the path of fresh spring herbs and green life. She was walking alongside a group of cats, moving down the hill to leave the mountains. She didn't recognize this area, though she wasn't sure if it was because of her own life by the lake or if she didn't recognize it for a different reason.

In front of her, she could hear the deafening cry of an eagle and the swooping of heavy feathers. There was a muscular dark gray tom with glowing amber eyes transfixed and unmoving. She noticed his stare was locked on an eagle, and her heart was pounding wildly. She couldn't let him stand there and be taken!

Despite the wriggling terror in her stomach, she dashed forward with all of her might to shove her shoulder against his body to knock the gray tom out of the way. He landed in a large clump of thickened brambles and leaves, much to Fallenfrost's relief. But she didn't have the time to celebrate, as the sharp and painful talons wrenched themselves into her haunches and began to pull her backwards through the dirt.

Fallenfrost howled and scrambled her paws through the soil, clenching her claws as hard as she can, but it was useless. Finally, the eagle let out a scream and began to lift Fallenfrost off from the ground.

It was surreal, feeling lifted up into the air. The pain made it difficult for her to see, but she tried to focus. Without her consent, a name escaped her mouth:

"Gray Wing, help me!" She cried out desperately.

The gray tom snapped out of his pained daze and began to follow after Fallenfrost being carried by the eagle. "Fight back!" He yowled, "Get free somehow!"

She struggled her paws and body, trying to wrench free as they climbed higher into the sky. Her vision focused on seeing the forms of two other eagles gliding through the air to join their companion. Despair lodged in her stomach. If she wrenched free somehow, she would plummet to her death. If she remained still, she was going to be taken back to their nest and torn to pieces. She was already feeling as though her life was fading from herself, struggling to breath as the cruel talons gripped harder into her sides.

I can't breathe! She realized with urgency.

Fallenfrost awoke with a start, a layer of cold sweat underneath her fur. She was back in ShadowClan, nestled in the warrior's den. She wracked her brain, trying to understand the meaning of the nightmare that she's had for the past several nights now. She wondered if it was a clue to her past to who she was before her memories had faded into a thickened mist.

Flametail, he would know.

Quietly, she tottered to her pawsteps and carefully stepped around the snoring figures of the cats in the warriors' den. She narrowly avoided stepping on Scorchfur's tail by the time she had emerged into the crisp new-leaf air. She inhaled deeply, taking in the scents around her. The fading cool of twilight was melting slowly into a deep violet, indicating that the sun soon would begin its ascent into the sky in the next few hours.

Fallenfrost absorbed the silence for a heartbeat before she crept silently to the moss curtain of the medicine cat den. She nosed her way past the nipping frost of the brambles and vines, surprised to see that Flametail was already awake and pacing.

The ginger tom snapped his attention to her, his blue eyes glowed eerily in the darkness to reflect the pale half-light of the distant moon. "Fallenfrost?" He whispered. "What are you doing awake?"

"Nightmares," she replied quietly as she padded closer. "What about you?"

Flametail hesitated before turning away, "Nightmares as well, actually. Maybe a walk would do both of our heads good."

She nodded in agreement and followed after Flametail into the cool night air. Their pawsteps were silent as owl wings across the melting snow and frost. He ducked his head underneath the bramble tunnel until the pair emerged in the dense pine forest. It took her a moment to adjust her eyes to the darkness as compared to the openness of the ShadowClan camp filled with pale moonlight to illuminate her pawsteps.

Flametail walked slowly as he barely glanced over his shoulder to catch Fallenfrost's minty-green gaze. "May I ask about these nightmares?"

Fallenfrost hesitated before she blinked and quickly glanced away. The memories were almost painful to recollect, but she tried to push through and repress the thoughts. "Eagles," she muttered, deciding to open up. "I keep having this dream that I'm a different cat going down a mountain path. Then without thinking, I push aside a gray tom about to be attacked by an eagle before it grabs me instead. I'm carried higher and higher into the sky until I suffocate from its talons."

Flametail frowned. "I'm… I'm sorry. If I didn't know any better, I might say it's a dream from StarClan, though my own dreams with them have been lacking."

She stepped forward and gently nudged his shoulder with her frost-bitten nose. "Go on, it's only fair you tell me yours." The warrior softly urged.

His tail twitched before he inhaled slowly. "I keep seeing dreams and visions of an alternate reality I suppose. Almost every night, I've been seeing these dreams about me being dead. You aren't there, and Jayfeather is blamed for my death. He had to step down from his duties and Dawnpelt was so, so angry. This terrible sorrow washes over me every time this dream comes to me, and I just want to be home in ShadowClan."

His claws dig into the ground as Fallenfrost's eyes mist over in concern. He's been through so much, shouldering all the burdens of his Clan alone while handling prophecies left and right as his mentor recovered from sickness. The poor tom already had such a hard time sleeping, it wasn't fair that StarClan would give him these terrifying nightmares.

Flametail turned around as his eyes darkened. His paws were shivering, as he was beginning to have a hard time breathing. "I-I think I'm not supposed to be alive!" He choked out, on the verge of a mental breakdown. "StarClan must think I should be dead, I should have perished in the lake that day."

"Stop it." Fallenfrost hissed as she pressed her muzzle into the warmth of his thick mane of ginger fur. She could feel tears pricking the corners of her eyes as she tried to steady her breathing. The scent of bitter flowers and decaying herbs was no longer an intrusive scent to Fallenfrost, but instead something comforting and friendly. "If I lost you, I don't know what I would do."

"Y-You don't-"

"I know what I'm saying," she cut him off with a soft growl as she screwed her eyes shut. "I didn't try to save you from the lake to let you allow yourself to be consumed by grief and self-pity. You're Flametail, you're the medicine cat of ShadowClan, the fire around Moonpool, and you are my friend. The Clan needs you, and I need you too."

Flametail's fur shuddered as he allowed himself to collapse on the mossy ground below him. His tail was long, desperately wrapping around his paws. He leaned into the touch that was offered by Fallenfrost as his shoulders began to shake in distress from the sobs wracking his body.

Fallenfrost couldn't fathom the intense stress that he has had to go through in the past few seasons. He had suffered almost entirely alone, and it wasn't fair. The two of them now had their fates intertwined, twisted within one another. Their pawsteps were no longer solitary, but walking and weaving side by side.

If StarClan truly did want him among their ranks, Fallenfrost was willing to fight until her lungs gave out in order to keep Flametail alive.

Her heart grew sick with a terrible realization:

She was in love with him.

Her mind was scattered with anger, confusion, longing, and deep sorrow.

Oh no.

Oh no, oh no, oh no-

She wrenched away with him, heaving for breath as the cold sweat returned. Flametail sniffed and met her eyes, her heart now pounding wildly. "Wh-what's wrong?" He asked softly.

Don't do this to me, StarClan- please, he's a medicine cat. This isn't right! She thought as her scrambled brain desperately tried to convince herself out of her aching heart. She cursed every ounce of her body, she cursed all of StarClan for this cruel joke, and most of all, she cursed her lovelorn heart to rot her mind with such daydreams and unripe hopes. It was impossible, she would never be able to fill the growing hole in her chest.

"I-I'm fine," she tried to stutter out unconvincingly.

He drew a paw over his nose as he sniffled, folding back his ears awkwardly as she noticed his gaze dart away quickly from her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to burden you with so much all at once."

Fallenfrost swallowed hard and quickly pulled herself away from the warmth of his fur, once again being absorbed into the bitter chill of early newleaf's night. She stood up straight and re-adjusted herself as she tried to collect her swirling thoughts. She couldn't let herself fall for him of all cats. It could be someone else, anyone else in all the Clans. Olivenose, maybe Starlingpaw, for StarClan's sake: even Hollowpaw would be a better option than forsaking everything for a medicine cat.

"We should return to camp," Fallenfrost mumbled as she turned away from him. "Dawn will be approaching and the camp will wonder where we've gone off to."

Flametail awkwardly chuckled and padded forward until he was shoulder-to-shoulder with her. "You're right. Let's make haste." He brushed his tail over her shoulder as his scent gave Fallenfrost a maddening headache. She couldn't do this anymore, now that she fully realized what her heart longed for.

Reluctantly, she followed after him as she tried to distract her mind the best she could.

Not Flametail, please- anyone but him.