Let's talk about self-indulgent artists who have access to a recording studio, shall we? You know the bands. Everyone goes on about the musical genius of a particular band, they let it go to their collective heads. What do you get? Sgt. Peppers , by the one and only Beatles. Or even ' The White Album', take your pick. No, I've said my piece about those albums. I won't repeat myself here. Paul Simon's Graceland, any U2 album, Pink Floyd's The Wall, any Prince album, Tommy or Quadraphenia , by The Who, take your pick there too. Ok, I could go on. But I'm really here to talk about the latest El Wheeler latest album: BASS. It's an album that takes self-indulgence to the extreme. First, we are promised numerous famous bassists will appear on the album. What do we get? Ms. Wheeler plays all the bass tracks. I'm not knocking her skill on the instrument, if you've ever seen her or the band 11 live, you know they put on a good show.

But, come ON. This album is self-indulgence at its most extreme. Ok, boo hoo, her and her husband were separated for a year. She puts out a love song in his name. She didn't just go to him and say 'I love you, I want you back?'. No, she puts out an album. As a follow up she puts out an album that's all her work. Every note is arranged, engineered, and played by El Wheeler, 'Queen of the Bass'. You read that right. This and getting that moniker.

Sure all her fans bought it, loved it, went on and on about it, but it sucks. Face it. The album stinks. That fact seems to be ignored by her fans.

Let me repeat. The album is the stinkingest album that ever stinked.

- Music Critic Magazine

XXXXX

Mike walked into their bedroom. There had to be at least two dozen magazines on the bed.

"You know you shouldn't read the reviews right? Because you are independent, a publisher doesn't send a free album to these guys. They have to pay for it. So they are expecting it to blow them away. When it doesn't…" Mike looked at the magazines.

"Well, you've read their reaction… how bad were they?"

"I'd rather read an honest review than just gushing, some of the things they said aren't even true. Criticism is fine, but get your facts straight." El frowned.

"I hate to say it, but I'm writing a review of the album also… whenever I give my opinion about any music, I'm reminded of what Frank Zappa said."

El looked at him, waiting…

"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."

El laughed. "Sounds like he didn't much care for what critics said."

"You are right. His genius was completely misunderstood. It's almost like fans were rabid and he got good reviews because they really didn't understand what he was doing. I don't think he cared, he didn't get a lot of airplay anyway"

"Mike, I can't complain about that. The album is selling really well."

"I think I'm put in the awkward position of trying to figure out what's better. At first, you play what you like and are happy the fans like it. It's how you make your money. When you've made all the stupid money you can, you try to get artistic to please the critics. Almost never works. There's a few exceptions, Bowie can pull it off, Joe Jackson did, I don't think Rush is doing it. Their songs just don't sound the same as their old stuff."

"I fall into that category. I've been all over the map musically. Even when the band was at the top of the pop charts, I knew we couldn't keep the sound going. Bay City Rollers, Partridge family, they didn't adapt and they were forgotten. Kids get older, their tastes maybe a little more sophisticated. Don't get me wrong. I love pop music, but they just don't write them like that anymore." El laughed. "Just like Greg Kihn said."

"Who's he?" Mike asked.

"I forgot that you don't really listen to pop. Greg Kihn, The Breakup Song, eighty or eighty-one."

"I'll look that one up."

"Mike, I have all the old K-Tel albums. Listen to them. Everyone of them. You will see what the seventies music was like before disco and new wave. They were AM where you were probably listening mostly to FM."

Mike nodded. "So… any idea what you want to do next?"

"Oh yes. I'm going to pay critics, to sit in the studio with me while I work on a new material."

"Uh… El… I'm not sure that's a very good idea." Mike's voice wasn't condescending, but he tried to put a little warning tone…

"I'm going to do some reverse reverse reverse, inverse reverse psychology. Think Jethro Tull's Thick As a Brick. Unfortunately as you pointed out, the joke was kind of on Ian Anderson… or was it?" El winked at him.

Mike didn't take long to work out El's logic. "If you pull this off El… if you do, it will be pure genius. The fans will get it. I don't think the critics will. I think you are the woman to do it. I can think of half a dozen album or song titles. But I think I know what you are going to call it."

El nodded. "Dancing About Architecture"

"Those critics are never going to know what hit them. Or even how they got hit. It'll be like a musical version of a sting. You may be the most evil girl in the universe."

"Maybe not today, but I'm sure I will be."

XXXXX

"Ok, you know you can't just have critics that didn't like the last album?" Mike said.

"I know, I'm going to have a mix. Half the fun will be having the reviewers from Rock Music Magazine arguing with the Music Critic Magazine guy. Either way my plan is to include a booklet in the cd and vinyl with the lyrics and the reviews of the the songs. Basically a seal of approval of the whole album, even before it gets released."

"Is the music going to have the same kind of humour that the Spinal Tap album has?"

"The music, yes, the lyrics I'm going to sing straight.

XXXXX

"Ok, what's this song about?" Mike asked.

"A girl brought up in a lab, familiar territory for my fans, is asked to write an Artificial Intelligence program by a military Colonel in charge of a covert project, and is giving her his opinion on it."

Mike nodded, "You think you're going to get away with that title?"

"Colonel Angus on the Lab AI's." El grinned.

"You don't think those critics are going to get it?"

El shrugged, "I don't care. They'll be writing the review before the official song name… if I can pull that off."

"Uh, this next one?"

"The songs are all connected, she has a boyfriend named Michael, he's not modelled after you, he goes missing and she's looking for him."

"Uh, El, the name of the song is, 'Have you seen Mike Hunt' No way they aren't going get that one. "

"That his shortened name will be changed before printing. I'll record that song without them, after they approve the music and most of the lyrics."

"Good thing you are independent, the PMRC if they still exist, would be all over you."

"I'm still rethinking all of this Mike. I'll let my anger cool a bit. Cooler heads prevail... "

"Maybe you should do an angry version of Tom Petty's Won't Back Down?"

"I actually have an idea for a bootleg, but it requires all of the band. It would be a sarcastic comeback album. This one first, then I'll start asking the rest. I won't call them, I'll show up unexpectedly and pitch it to them."

"Oh? This sounds new, you are just telling me now?"

"I've been thinking about what I want to do. Now I know. I think maybe I will do the Architecture album as planned, but when they can't agree on the titles, I'll back off and tell them thanks for their important contribution. I'll send them videos of interpretative dance or something. I'm sure they'll get that."

"Ok, you want help on the phone?" Mike offered.

"I'll do that part, I don't want you being touched by any of this."

"Ok, I guess I'll write that review of BASS. "

"Be honest Mike. I trust you to do that."

"Friends Don't Lie." Mike said simply.