Chapter 1

Leena launched her body into the air, soaked in sweat and drenched in tears. She reached her hand out to thin air while her mouth hung open, dried up with words and tears she desperately begged to come out. But none came. Nothing ever came back. Nothing but the harrowing final moment on the bridge when she called out to Raz.

It hadn't even been one month since squad E left the Empire, after the last battle and the announced ceasefire. Riley was discharged from the hospital a week ago and most of squad E had gone home, home to their life before the war. It all happened so fast and so quickly, Leena almost didn't believe it to be true. Last month, they were all tucked and tight with winter gear, holding weapons to their chest as they exhausted themselves to sleep. Now, she laid awoke on a comfy bed, in a one-piece gown so thin it became transparent with sweat whenever her eyes opened.

Raz had been coming back to her, through her dreams. The first few times, she would leap into his embrace, craving that feeling of safety and support he had wrapped her with before. Then the dreams got shorted. She started speaking in her sleep, begging him to stay, to not go, to hate on Claude who had allowed him to die. She dreaded seeing in her sleep that broad back of his, the Darcsen blue hair stuck frozen in the cold bobbling away and vanished into the blizzard. Moments later, his voice would echo, resonate through the static in the radio, and she burst her eyes opened, missing his last words.

Between the dreams came the nightmare. Her brother, the other Kai. Forseti. Standing in front of vault 2A and shouting angered words at them, at her. Blaming them for the war, for its insanity for the decision that she didn't make. But he never blamed her for the only one she did. She shot him. But never in her dreams did he lament her for that. He was always smiling at her when the trigger was pulled. As if he was grateful because she ended his misery. Then she woke up, screaming off the top of her lung, one hand holding her head while the other flicking fingers as if she was holding her old rifle. As if she could shoot him again, for abandoning her. For joining Raz.

And when her eyes dried, she would notice little Angie by her side, trembling as much as she was.

"It's okay, big sis."

Little Angie would say, hugging her tightly and burying her face in Leena's body. And Leena would look at her, bring her in closer and pat on her back. "I'm sorry", she would say. "It's alright", she said. "Everything's fine now".

She wondered how much Angie remembered her brother. And how Angie would react had she learned of who killed her own savior. Would Angie still hug her this tightly and warmly? But she wondered no longer, as she drifted into exhaustion. Spring's warmth had never been so terrifying compared to the winter's embrace.

Sometimes Claude wondered how Riley could be so strong. He wondered had it been Riley who was in command that day, would she be able to save Raz.

Since her discharge, she had come to live with him. To share expense, she said. And she invited Leena and Angie to come live with them. To take care of her, wheelchair-bounded, while he was out working, she said. The truth, he knew, was that she took care of them, those terrible people terribly afraid of being alone. He busied his mind by working, rebuilding the Miller Company that he had promised Riley. But it only added to the guilt because he knew he had started working because of Raz. One more brick cemented, one more blueprint drawn meant one more hour not home and not having to see his beloved in a wheelchair and his best friend's beloved in mourning. No matter what Leena said, Claude could tell she hated him. The strong and quiet Deadeye Kai of squad E now reduced to one anger-overflowing, almost broken Leena, who no longer looked at freshly baked bread. He almost wanted to tell her that he was sorry. But he stopped every time, knowing that his apology changed nothing but only reminded her of the open wound.

Half of those times, he wanted to yell out how he missed Raz too. Raz was his best friend, damned it. Was he not allowed to mourn his loss? Was he not entitled to his pain and suffering? Raz made the choice. He was crying when Raz told him to give the order and kill his best friend. Was he not allowed to be in pain?

Staying late at the factory every night, Claude began to smoke. He was never one to smoke. Riley and Leena didn't like it. He didn't like it. The smoke burned his throat. But it gave him a pretense to use a lighter.

The Federation never kept official records of Operation Cygnus. What was left of it came from the personal recordkeeping of the Centurion crew and squad E members. But even then, when they returned to the Federation territory, they were ordered to give up all of the records, be it diaries, photos, or letters. Only Claude's notebook, titled "It will be done", survived the cleansing. Some of squad E members voluntarily returned to service in exchange for Claude to keep the notebook. A tribute to those who never return, they said. But in the end, that notebook wasn't the only survivor.

While Riley was in the hospital, she spent her days writing a memoir of the operation. She did it to kill time, counting down the hours until she saw Scaredy-Claude always with his notebook on hand again. But as she kept writing, she became more invested, cherishing the moments she had lived with those onboard the Centurion.

After the failed Operation Northern Cross, her squad E was picked up by the Centurion, one of the three cruisers of the Cygnus Fleet aiming for the Empire's capital. They each carried a Valkyrian bomb, capable of wiping clean the capital and any living thing inside the blast radius. They hoped that the Empire would surrender to the Federation after the bombs exploded, and the war would end, as simple as that. Of the three cruisers, only Centurion lived. The Comet sunk while the Cavalier detonated early to avoid capture. In the end, the Centurion didn't detonate its bomb. When it reached the capital, the Empire announced its agreed ceasefire with the Federation. And then squad E went home, back to the Federation. That was it, the entire story of the operation in a few lines. It didn't end there.

Riley dotted the remaining pages with little tidbits and moments she saw onboard the Centurion. She wrote down every cringy joke Stanley made in the mess hall, making everyone groaned. She sketched the veterans of the squad Keigel, Ryan, and Ronald having a drink in the cargo bay, wearing their brightest smiles rarely seen throughout the entire war. She pinned a picture taken from Miles' camera, of Nico and Neige hanging out together, the two youngest squad members, not even legal to buy drinks. Those memories bloomed a smile on her face on rainy days in the hospital and filled pages after pages of her little scrapbook. But across those pages, Riley left one blank. "The Breakthrough". The battle on the edge of the Crystal Sea before the Empire's capital. Where Raz died.

She knew what happened. The Centurion was blocked off by a defending Imperial force. Raz and Jascha volunteered on a strike team to break the blockade. They would be left behind as diversion because the Centurion was already surrounded and had to make a break for the capital. Yet they volunteered, knowing it was a suicide mission. Riley was on the Centurion's bridge that day when it cruised through the blockade. She watched Leena clung onto the bridge's radio, trying in vain to call Raz. And then Raz answered, mocking her for breaking radio silence while gunfire filled the background. It was surreal. It was haunting. To hear him die then as it happened. That page was still blank.

That was why, when Jascha came to visit her one day, she almost didn't believe her eyes.

"Lieutenant Miller." Jascha saluted.

"Impossible. No, this is impossible."

"It is only logical that you think so, lieutenant. But it is possible. Please calm down. I want to talk to you before Leena and Angie return home."

"No….no…."

"Yes, lieutenant. I have survived the mission, and so could have Sergeant Raz."

"Stop it." Riley screamed. The wheelchair shook. Jascha stopped. Tears began to roll down her eyes. But she recollected her breath and wiped her face.

"I'm sorry Jascha, that was rude of me. But how?"

"Understandable, lieutenant, no offense taken. We split up. I stayed behind to hold off enemy reinforcement while the Sergeant pressed on. I could only hold them back for so long before they surrounded me. But instead of executing me, they captured me to interrogate about the Centurion and its mission. I was transferred from prisons to prisons until members of the Blue Rose resistance caught wind of me and broke me out. Lieutenant, I want to be frank. I don't know if Sergeant Raz survived or where he might be. Logically, I shouldn't be here. I don't want to give you false hope. And I cannot risk myself being captured by the Federation, seeing I was declared KIA by them. But when I think about Hanna, if she had to live not knowing what happened to me… I'm sorry, it was illogical of me."

"Jascha." Riley wanted to say something, but her mind was so loaded she couldn't string two words together.

"Lieutenant, please keep yourself together. I come to you because Sergeant Schulen and Captain Wallace wouldn't be logical about this. I'm afraid that they would be either too desperate for a false hope or in denial and dismiss it. Either way, I'm trusting you to do right with this information. I can put you in contact with the Blue Rose. They already started looking for Raz since they knew what happened to me. I can't say that there will be a result. Statistically, there isn't. But it's a start. I will be in Hafen for three days. Let me know what you plan to do before then."

Jascha said and turned away.

"Wait, Jascha, let me say thank you. I know it must be difficult for you to…"

"Don't sweat it, lieutenant. Consider it my little appreciation for your guiding us through the war. Of all the grenadiers, you're always the one we respect the most."