This was quickly shaping up to become the best Christmas Tony has ever experienced.
When he was a child, his parents usually went to some charity event on Christmas Eve, and little Tony was left at home with the family's butler Jarvis and his wife, Ana. As an adult, the Christmas season reminded Tony too much of his parents' deaths, as they'd died shortly before the holidays, so he always partied throughout the entire month of December to drown his feelings in alcohol. After he became Iron Man, he mostly spent Christmas either in the workshop tinkering with one of his suits or battling some villain intent on spoiling Christmas cheer. In the past couple of years, Christmas in the Stark household has been a quiet, domestic affair with Pepper, little Morgan, Happy, who had no family, and Rhodey, whose entire family perished in the Snap. Now that everyone was back, Rhodey was spending the holidays at his mother's house in Philadelphia, where a big Rhodes family reunion was being held.
Today the house was much more lively. While everyone waited for the turkey to be ready, the party dissolved into smaller chatting groups. Peter described to Tony with enthusiastic hand gestures how Spider-Man caught a group of bank robbers. Pepper, Laura Barton, and May Parker discussed embarrassing examples of ineptitude their other halves displayed in the kitchen. Happy stoically endured Clint's talk about an archery contest he'd attended with his daughter, practically hiding behind Clint from Morgan and Nate, whose energy knew no bounds even after they had to give up their Avengers gear. Bruce played cards with the Bartons' two older kids and was currently losing to Lila.
Things started to go pear-shaped when Tony had to go upstairs to do his daily workload of rehabilitation exercises.
"Bring some more cookies, Tony," his wife called when she heard him stomping down the stairs on his way back to the living room, "They're in the pantry."
Tony dutifully made a minor detour for the pantry, contemplating on the way the logistics of carrying a tray of cookies one-handed. When he arrived at his destination, however, it became obvious that he'd wracked his brain for nothing. Yes, there were two trays resting on one of the lower shelves near the farther end of the pantry. But they were both completely empty, save for a few crumbs here and there.
Next to one of the trays sat a cat. An ordinary house cat of average size, with short, pitch-black fur and green eyes that narrowed at Tony as he came into view.
Where did the animal come from? Tony was sure it wasn't theirs - he and Pepper had agreed on a 'no pets in the house' policy early in their relationship. Maybe it has arrived with one of the guests? He gave the cat a scrutinizing look. Two trays. Would such an obscene amount of cookies fit into such a small body? Did cats even eat this stuff?
As if to confirm his suspicion, the cat licked its mouth in what, in Tony's opinion, was a universal gesture of having just eaten two full trays of delicious sweets.
"Clint, your cat just gobbled down all our cookies," Tony called into the living room.
"We don't have a cat," Clint called back.
Tony scratched his chin. Who else could the animal belong to?
"Bruce, did you bring a cat?"
"I don't have any pets."
Happy wasn't a cat person and Peter had once mentioned cat allergy. Contemplating who else to ask, Tony turned back and froze. The tray was absolutely cat-free. Not even a single black hair remained as proof that the animal had been sitting there less than a minute ago. Where could it be? It couldn't have run past him, he would've noticed. And Tony knew the cat had been there, hallucinations weren't among the side effects of his treatment, thank you very much. Who else would have eaten all the damn cookies, anyway?
He cautiously lifted the lid of a nearby pot. No cat and thankfully no contaminated or missing food either - the cat clearly preferred sweets to potatoes. Tony set out to examine every object in the pantry large enough for a cat to hide in or behind. Unfortunately, he and Pepper had prepared for their guests in advance, and the pantry was full to bursting today.
Just as Tony was peeking behind a group of cans, Clint wandered into the pantry and said: "What cat?"
Great. Now I'll look like an idiot trying to convince Clint there really had been a cat.
Not one to be intimidated by appearing foolish, Tony opened his mouth, but before he had an opportunity to utter a single word, he heard a suspicious sound high above his head, from one of the top shelves. Tony and Clint both looked up - right in time to be hit in the face by an enormous cloud of flour.
"Gah!" Tony spat out a handful of the white substance. The flour was everywhere - his mouth, his eyes, his hair. Next to him, he could hear Clint's coughing and swearing.
He scrubbed at his eyes to get rid of the temporary blindness as another suspicious sound came from above. He shielded his eyes with his good hand and cautiously glanced upwards. The cat was nudging a bottle of maple syrup with its nose, to put it into position right above Tony. An open bottle, Tony realized with alarm, the syrup already spilling out of it… He attempted to jump away, but in the narrow space of the pantry, he only managed to bump into Clint and send him crashing into a shelf full of pickle jars. Maple syrup rained on Tony's head, soon followed by the half-empty bottle that hit him right between the shoulder blades, bounced off of him, and knocked down a can of soya beans.
When Tony recovered his wits again, the cat was gone. Only white footprints left on the polished floor indicated in which direction the animal had disappeared. As he followed the trail with his eyes, he heard a crashing sound from the kitchen. Tony swore under his breath and ran after the beast.
When he stepped into the kitchen with a furious Clint (who smelled slightly of pickles) at his heels, the place had already descended into utter chaos. The fridge was wide open, half of its contents littering the floor, the microwave door was cracked in one place and the coffee maker spouted coffee in every direction. The cat ran across the countertop, making sure that every single item that was on it fell down to join the mess on the floor.
Miraculously, the oven with the slowly roasting turkey remained untouched.
Tony stepped over a damaged blender and strode towards the malevolent creature. The cat easily evaded his poor attempts at capture and jumped on the shelf above the sink where their best china, the Potts family heirloom, was on display.
Pepper's gonna skin me.
Tony lifted a warning finger. "Stop right there, you little bastard!"
"Bastard," a young voice repeated with gusto from behind Tony's back.
If he closed his eyes, maybe he could pretend he hasn't just heard that? No, no such luck. Tony opened his eyes again, slowly turned around, and saw what he definitely didn't want to see. His daughter stood in the doorway, looking up at him with an eager expression on her tiny face, her timing impeccable as always. She loved learning 'funny' words and phrases and seemed to have a sixth sense for situations like this.
"Morgan! You shouldn't say that word!" Tony tried for the 'stern dad' approach, but judging from Morgan's intrigued smile, it was a total failure.
"Why not?"
"Because," Tony thought quickly, "It's a nickname for general Ross. And we don't like him, so we don't talk about him in this house."
"And what should we call the bad kitty?" Morgan pointed at the cat, who must have understood all too well how important the Potts family china was to Tony. There was no other plausible explanation as to why the devilish animal decided to use it as an obstacle course, jumping back and forth over the various bowls, plates, and platters - thankfully without any disastrous results so far.
"I have the perfect name for this little evildoer," Clint started. Tony gave him a warning look. Clint was a father himself. Surely he would not use an expletive in front of an impressionable four-year-old?
"... Loki," Clint said.
An excellent choice, Tony had to admit. The cat seemed to have the same mean streak as Thor's adopted brother, as well as a penchant for causing chaos and mayhem and a natural talent for pissing off Earth's mightiest superheroes.
Tony regarded the animal with a smirk. "Fits like a glove, right, Reindeer Games?"
Instead of a reply, the cat lifted its paw and tipped over Pepper's favorite china bowl. Tony lurched forward to catch it, but unfortunately, Clint had the same idea. At such a close range avoiding a collision was impossible - they bumped their foreheads and almost knocked each other out. The bowl shattered on the floor.
"Daddy!" Morgan ran to the rescue and started to fuss over him, so Tony had to pretend that he was perfectly alright and his head totally didn't hurt.
Just when he thought the situation couldn't get any more humiliating, Bruce's voice rang from the doorway: "Do you need help?"
Perfect. The crowd's already building.
Tony produced his well-practiced press conference smile. "Nah, we're just peachy," he lied.
He valiantly tried to suppress a stab of jealousy at the sight of his friend but failed as usual. They've both received treatment for radiation injuries sustained from wielding the Infinity Gauntlet - by alien doctors Nebula had described as 'the best in the galaxy'. But while Tony was still in for a long recovery with uncertain results, Bruce was already fully healed. His only complaint was that not only was he no longer green, he was also considerably shorter and physically weaker than his previous Hulk persona - although still taller and stronger than his former, purely human self. He was now officially gamma-free, no more 'Hulking-out' for him.
"I'm good with animals," Bruce insisted, eagerness to be useful clear in his voice. "Really. Dogs love me."
"We'll call you when he starts to bark," Tony said, unimpressed. The cat had it out for him, that was clear. He didn't need Bruce's help if all his kind-hearted friend would see was a cute, cuddly fur-ball in need of petting.
"You're a bad, bad kitty!" Morgan frowned at Loki with hands on her hips. "Daddy's been sick, you mustn't hurt him."
The cat ignored her, however, in favor of staring at Bruce, green eyes narrowed into slits, back arched, fur standing on end. It seemed Loki wasn't fooled by his 'good with animals' statement a bit.
"How do you know it's a 'he'?" Clint asked. The pickle smell emanating from him was starting to give Tony a headache.
Honestly, Tony couldn't care less about the cat's gender. "It's Loki, so it's a 'he'."
"Loki?!" Bruce gasped, his eyes wide as they immediately zeroed in on the cat.
"Just a nickname," Clint assured him. "Though it would be interesting to see if you can bring this one into line the same way you did with the real Loki."
Bruce gave him a horrified look. "Clint! I won't brutalize an innocent animal! And the Hulk is a thing of the past, anyway."
"You don't have to Hulk-smash him, just catch him. Preferably before he demolishes the rest of the kitchen."
"I am sure it can be done without violence," Bruce said and confidently walked into the room and towards Loki. He approached slowly, all the while babbling soothing nonsense at the cat. "Here kitty, kitty. Good kitty. Don't worry, Bruce's nice, Bruce's a friend..."
The 'good kitty' hissed - a distinctly unfriendly sound in Tony's opinion - and his fur seemed to puff up more than before, if that was even possible. Maybe he could somehow still smell the Hulk on Bruce and was afraid of the superior predator?
"I think Loki doesn't like you very much, Uncle Bruce," Morgan said and took several steps back as a precaution. Clever girl.
"Oh, he's just afraid of strangers," Bruce continued to coo at the cat but his friendly smile and calming voice weren't winning him any favors with the animal, who retreated to the very top of the cupboard and regarded Bruce with mistrust from his vantage point.
Tony walked to Bruce's left and gestured at Clint to take up position on Bruce's other side, so that the cat would have nowhere to escape. The animal realized he was being surrounded and nervously looked around, ready to bolt.
"Good kitty, come to Brucie..." Bruce raised his hands, ready to pluck the black menace off his perch.
The cat jumped.
It was a jump worthy of an Olympics champion, or an experienced movie stuntman. Loki twisted in the air in a way Tony had previously thought impossible for any living being to achieve, avoided Bruce's outstretched hands by the skin of his teeth, and landed on Tony's shoulder, despite Tony having stood the farthest from him of them all. Before Tony could make a grab for him, he performed another daring leap, briefly grazing the top of Morgan's head and landing on the floor on the other side of the room. Before anyone could blink, he was across the kitchen and out of the door.
"A real Doctor Dolittle, huh?" Tony quipped into Bruce's stunned face and set out after Loki.
There were no new footprints leading out of the kitchen, but he glimpsed the tip of a black tail disappearing in the living room doorway.
Tony was the first to reach the living room and found the place to be a picture of domestic bliss. Pepper, Laura, and May sitting together on a sofa, their heads bowed over a book which Tony sincerely hoped wasn't the catalog with baby clothes again, Peter with an audience of eager Barton kids, gesturing wildly as he described one of his adventures, and Happy walking by the farther wall for some unknown reason. A quick glance around the room and Tony spotted the cat from hell sitting on one of the top branches of the Christmas tree, one black paw poking at a shiny red ball with curiosity.
How to cross the room without spooking the cat and drawing everyone's attention to himself?
Tony's dilemma was solved in an instant when a giggle informed him that Clint's daughter Lila noticed his arrival. She covered her mouth with her hand and nudged her elder brother to look Tony's way. He could hardly begrudge the children their amusement - with all the flour and syrup, he had to be quite a sight. The distraction cost him, though. A soft click of the doorknob made him realize that Happy wasn't walking around just to stretch his legs - he was now standing at the door leading to the porch, which he was about to swing open.
"Don't let the cat out!" Tony shouted promptly, but it was too late to make a difference.
Before he finished the sentence, the door was already partly open, and Happy left it like that when he turned after Tony's voice with confusion, his eyes scanning the living room for the animal Tony was speaking of. Loki didn't wait for any of them to make their move. The cat executed another movie-like stunt and a single powerful jump from the top of the tree brought him far across the room, within inches of freedom. Dashing between Happy's legs, the cat was outside before Tony could say as much as 'fuck'.
The abandoned Christmas tree didn't fare well, however. The mighty push of Loki's paws overbalanced it, and its brief struggle against gravity was lost in a single moment. Tony started towards it, but he already knew he wouldn't make it in time. There was nothing to be done - everyone was too far from the tree to perform any kind of rescue. Everyone present, including Tony and the newly arrived remaining Avengers, could only stare helplessly as the Christmas tree Tony, Pepper, and little Morgan had spent tons of time decorating raced to meet the ground. Morgan let out a horrified squeak when she saw the tree going down and even without looking at his daughter, Tony could picture her dismayed face as the ornaments she had worked on so hard to find the perfect place for were about to be smashed into smithereens.
Thankfully, not everyone was as pathetic at tree-saving as the famed saviors of Earth. Peter saw the tragedy unfold and immediately jumped into action. Tony's boy leaped across the table in a way that wasn't humanly possible unless you were Spider-Man, stretched out his hand as far as he could, and managed to stop the tree's descent towards the hard floor at the very last picosecond.
A collective sigh of relief was followed by enthusiastic applause, which Tony did his best to participate in one-handed. The young Spiderling seemed self-conscious - he so rarely received public acclaim, especially under his true identity as Peter Parker.
"Good afternoon!"
A familiar deep voice coming from the main door alerted Tony to the fact that Happy hadn't opened the door because he wanted to go outside - he evidently did it to answer a knock on the door.
On the porch stood Thor Odinson, but not the unkempt hobo Bruce and Rocket had brought back from New Asgard several months ago. His long hair was neatly combed and bound into a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck, his beard trimmed short in a style he had favored before the whole Infinity War fuckup. He was dressed in casual clothes that seemed to be a mix of Earth and space wear and had a small bag swung over his shoulder.
"Friend Tony!" the Asgardian boomed, a wide smile on his face. As he fully took in Tony's disheveled appearance, his eyes widened slightly, but he valiantly soldiered on. "You look... much improved."
Who knew Thor could do diplomacy?
"Hey, Thor. Tired of playing Flash Gordon with the Guardians?" Tony walked towards his new visitor, doing his damnedest to project that flour and maple syrup were his new – and totally legitimate – fashion choice. He had sent Thor an invitation weeks ago, in case his friend decided to visit Earth during the holidays, but since he had received no reply, he figured Thor was still off-world and the message couldn't reach him.
The God of Thunder did a poor impression of actually believing Tony's strange new look could be labeled as fashion.
"We just brought down a group of marauders who kept attacking a defenseless planet, and the crew decided we are in need of a vacation," he explained. "Quill wishes to show the new Gamora a place called Disneyland, and the others decided to tag along. I've already been to an amusement park with Jane once and it holds no interest to me, so I was glad to receive your invitation on my Starkphone after we landed." Thor's eyes swept the room - Tony and Clint covered in flour, Peter and Bruce trying to straighten the Christmas tree without damaging the decorations - and he asked: "Is this some Midgardian Christmas custom I am unaware of?"
"We're chasing the bad kitty who ate all our cookies," Morgan piped up from behind Tony's back and pointed at Thor's feet. Only then did Tony notice that the cat hadn't run far. He was actually peeking at them from behind Thor's left boot, as though daring them to try to pursue him now that he has found a safe shelter.
"His name is Loki," Morgan added helpfully.
Thor's smile fell off his face as if it never had been there and Tony instantly felt like the biggest jerk in the whole universe. Using Loki's name instead of a swear word and joking about him returning among the living in cat form was all fun and games when Thor was nowhere in sight, but to do it right in Thor's face... The former King of Asgard has always been sensitive about his dead brother and after he'd succumbed to depression and gained about a million pounds in the wake of Loki's latest demise followed by the Snap, no one was cruel enough to even try to mention the L-word in front of him.
"Sorry, that was a stupid joke..." Tony started, ashamed.
But the Asgardian wasn't listening to him. He looked at his feet, turned around, and spotted the cat. To Tony's surprise, the animal made no attempt to bolt, just watched the blond man with curiosity.
Thor stooped, gripped the cat under the front paws, lifted Loki in front of his face, and subjected him to an intense, scrutinizing stare. The cat stared back without blinking. Everyone held their breath. After a while, the corners of Thor's lips quirked up. It wasn't the shit-eating grin from before, but rather a small, sad smile full of sentiment.
"He truly looks remarkably similar to my brother," Thor said, still smiling.
Clint gave him an incredulous stare. "He's a cat, Thor."
"Loki is a shapeshifter." Thor adjusted his grip so that the animal would be cradled comfortably in his arms, instead of just dangling in his hands like a lump of wet cloth. "When we were boys, a black cat with green eyes was one of his favorite disguises."
Tony felt cold tendrils of dread crawl down his spine. "You mean that cat could really be Loki?"
But... They had been the ones to name the little beast. As a joke. Black cats were a dime a dozen. It was all just a weird coincidence. Wasn't it?
Thor's mini-smile blinked out. "My brother is dead, friend Stark."
His words didn't reassure Tony at all. "That's what you said the first time, as well. And four years later Bruce tripped over him on Sakaar."
"I wish it were merely another of Loki's clever tricks." Thor let out a soft sigh and his eyes seemed to gaze somewhere far, far away. "But I was there when he died. I saw it happen. This time there truly is no doubt."
"Again, that's what you said the first time," Tony repeated with a frown.
Thor leveled Tony with a glare that brooked no argument. "My brother died saving my life," his voice was rough with emotion. "It was a heroic death, and he is now feasting in Valhalla alongside our parents. I won't have you cheapen his sacrifice by your unfounded accusations. I know you've been through a lot in the past decade, Tony, but sometimes a cat is simply a cat."
He reached out to hand the cat over to Tony, but as soon as the animal realized what was about to happen, it made a low, threatening sound deep in their throat and started to scratch, bite, and otherwise struggle.
Tony literally jumped out of reach, half expecting the cat to transform into the real Loki on the spot and start a killing rampage. He was a hair's breadth away from ordering FRIDAY to deploy one of his old suits from the garage when the situation de-escalated in a rather anticlimactic manner. Thor withdrew his hands, and everyone watched with amazement as the demonic creature became a tame kitten in his arms once more.
"I don't understand what he has against you, Tony," the Asgardian mused. "He seems very friendly otherwise." He gently scratched his new pet's ear, eliciting a content purr.
"I have to agree, Thor, that this cat behaves very Loki-like," Bruce eyed the animal with suspicion. "And you said yourself he can turn into a cat."
Thor shook his head and aimed for a reasonable tone. "My friends, I apologize that I made you worry. Whatever mischief this creature has caused here, I assure you, you have nothing to fear. They may look alike, but this isn't my brother. Loki is gone-" his voice broke at the last word and he had to pause a bit to collect himself, "-and nothing can bring him back, no matter how much I would wish it."
"Well, there is an easy way to make sure," Pepper interjected smoothly. "FRIDAY, what is the being Thor is currently holding?"
Their house might look like a simple wooden cottage, but only someone who knew nothing about Tony would actually believe it didn't contain state-of-the-art technology. Like JARVIS once, FRIDAY had her sensors in every important part of the house except Tony's and Pepper's bedroom and the adjacent bathroom (Pepper insisted). None of the guests seemed surprised when a beam of golden light shot out of the ceiling, thoroughly scanning the creature in Thor's arms.
"A member of the family Felidae, species Felis catus," FRIDAY reported her findings with a hint of amusement in her voice. "Otherwise known as a domestic cat."
"Any unusual readings, FRI?" Tony found it hard to abandon his theory. It made perfect sense! "Unusual genetic make-up, radiation, anything?"
"No, boss, it's just an ordinary cat. And indeed male, as you have already guessed."
Tony couldn't decide whether he was relieved or embarrassed. He definitely felt kind of stupid that he'd contemplated launching his Iron Man gear against what turned out to be just a regular animal.
"Excellent. Thor, welcome to our home, you're right in time for dinner." Pepper smiled and motioned for the God of Thunder to come inside.
Unfortunately, Thor seemed to be in no hurry to abandon his newly acquired companion and walked in with the cat safely ensconced in his arms.
Well, at least he's already proved that he can make the little devil behave, so there's hope there will be no more havoc in the house.
Tony's eyes locked with Loki's as Thor walked past him, and he could swear the cat looked smug at being carried back into the house in the arms of a powerful guardian. Tony closed his eyes, shook his head, then refocused on the cat. The animal looked perfectly normal and wasn't even looking Tony's way.
I'm being paranoid.
It's just a cat, even FRIDAY said so.
It's not really Loki. Can't be.
Right?