**Hello everyone, I am so sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I have lots of story ideas. However, right now I am in college and for the classes I am taking I end up having to write 3-5 papers a week plus an article for my internship each week. That being said, this story has been in my mind for a long time and then tonight at work I had a panic attack (which obviously sucked) but it helped me figure out how I wanted to structure the plot of this. This is a long one shot set after Taken in season 2 when Olivia's mom passes away. Heavy on the Cabenson, in this fic they have been in a relationship for a few months but Olivia hasn't really opened up to Alex yet. Also, I greatly appreciate reviews and favorites, I am very self conscious about this one and am not sure how to feel about it**
Olivia hasn't cried yet. She knows the moment she lets herself feel she will be done for and she isn't ready for that. That is why she put herself all into the case today, why she focused on work, on helping others like she always does. She purposely put the pain out of her mind, making a conscious effort not to think about it. But now it's 11pm, she is alone in her apartment, trying desperately to distract herself. The wine isn't working and neither are the mind numbing Golden Girls reruns that she has been watching but not paying attention to for the past hour and a half.
She can feel it coming, she tries to steady her breathing, to ground herself in the moment but it's doing nothing to affect the impending breakdown and subsequent panic attack that she knows is just moments away. Her wandering mind suddenly focuses when she hears a tentative knock on the door. She stifles a sigh of frustration, she wants to be alone and doesn't want anyone to see her like this. She figures it must be Elliot, after all he had been worried about her at work. She appreciated his care, she really did, but she felt she had to be strong in front of him at all times. He couldn't see this, the mess of emotion, of trauma, of grief, of regret, of panic, of guilt. He needed to see her as a strong and capable cop, nothing more and nothing less. Olivia realized she was lost in thought again and hadn't even gone to the door. Now she hears a distinctly female voice and wrinkles her brow in confusion, that is definitely not Elliot. She pads over to the door, wiping her face with her hand willing herself to look better than she feels.
Olivia opens her door surprised but delighted at the sight of her gorgeous girlfriend. It is evident that the ADA hasn't even gone home to change, instead staying late at the office and coming to check on her girlfriend. "Alex," Olivia whispered, "I wasn't expecting you." Alex gave her a soft smile, "Liv, sweetheart, I have been calling for hours. Cragen told me what happened…" Liv swallowed back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. "I-I'm sorry Al. I wasn't trying to ignore you. I just-I just...am not doing well." That's it, she said it, big bad Olivia Benson finally admitted to struggling. Olivia wasn't sure how to feel, Alex was still looking at her just as lovingly as before she made the admission. Alex took her hands in her own, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek before leading the now mute Olivia to her couch. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Olivia desperately trying to keep her emotions in check. Admitting to struggling was one thing but crying? Panicking? She couldn't do that in front of anyone. Not ever.
Alex had her arm wrapped around Olivia as the brunette cuddled closely to her, her head resting on the blonde's shoulder. Finally Alex broke the silence, surprising Olivia who had an involuntary startle to the sound of her lover's voice. "You don't have to talk about anything, but I want you to know that I am here. I am not leaving. No matter what you're feeling right now you won't scare me away. I promise." That was it, the sound of Alex's voice filled with empathy and love was enough to push Olivia over the edge, an edge she had been teetering perilously close to all day. Olivia closed her eyes tightly, her body shaking with the strength of trying to conceal her emotions. She was terrified, terrified to cry, scared she would never be able to stop. Filled with complete and utter fear and confusion that she couldn't place or pinpoint. "Sweetheart, talk to me. What's going on right now?"
Olivia desperately tried to take in a breath, knowing if she didn't answer Alex would become even more worried about her. However, the breaths kept getting caught in her throat, her abdominal muscles contracting painfully as she audibly began wheezing. Although Alex doesn't have the same level of training handling victims with panic attacks and other things, she knows a panic attack when she sees one and is acutely aware that Liv is suffering through one right now. Alex began rubbing Olivia's back in small soft circles, trying to ground her. "It's okay Liv, you're gonna be okay." Olivia very shakily shook her head, 'no' it took everything within her to perform such a small motion and she was still completely mute. "You are baby, I promise. You're having a panic attack. But it's okay, I am here with you. Try and breathe with me." Olivia pulled away the slightest bit, her brown eyes covered with a sheen of tears as she stared into the blue eyes of her girlfriend. She tried desperately to match her breathing to her lover's. Alex made the breathing look so easy but it felt nearly impossible to Olivia, as she took in a breath she began violently coughing, unable to catch her breath. Simultaneously coughing and wheezing when she tried to breathe in. The edges of her vision became black and splotchy and she could feel herself swaying. "Okay baby, I need you to put your head between your knees." With Alex's help Olivia slowly complied. "I need you to try to slow your breathing Livvy, I know it's hard but you can do it. I don't want you to make yourself sick." Alex rubbed Olivia's back as the coughing and wheezing subsided, and her breathing became less labored. "There you go that's it, you're doing great," Alex encouraged.
Olivia had been resting with her head between her knees for a while now, the coughing and wheezing completely gone and Alex was glad to watch the even rise and fall of her back indicating that her breathing was coming easier. However, soon Alex realized she was hearing another sound, a sound indicating her lover was far from okay. She heard as Liv tried to discreetly sniffle and watched as she hurriedly wiped the tears away from her face. "Livvy, come up by me, it's okay, let me hold you." The rational part of Liv's mind told her not to show this level of weakness but the part of her heartbroken and starved for comfort won out and she slowly sat up and sank immediately into her lover's embrace. "I'm so sorry Al," Liv whispered. "Why are you sorry?" Alex asked, genuinely confused. "I'm a mess, I'm sorry you have to see this, I am so embarrassed." Olivia mumbled. "Olivia Margaret Benson, I love you and I care about you more than any other human being. What you're going through is horrible and I am here for you, I am not judging you and there is no place I would rather be." Olivia nodded as the tears came faster. "It's okay Liv, just get it out. You bottle your emotions, don't think I don't notice. I'm an ADA I notice everything," she said with a small chuckle, "I am here for you, don't be afraid to cry baby." That was all the encouragement Olivia needed. Against her better judgement she let the sobs come fast and hard, holding tightly in her lover's embrace, knowing that she was safe and loved.
It felt like she had been crying for forever, but to her shock the tears eventually slowed to a stop as she laid comfortably in the arms of the woman that she loves. Alex was surprised when Olivia broke the silence, initially having thought that the brunette had cried herself to sleep in her lap. Olivia's voice was soft and tentative, "Al? Do you think I was a horrible daughter?" Alex placed a kiss on Olivia's head, "Of course not Livvy, why would you ask something like that? Do you feel like you were a bad daughter?" Olivia nodded, taking a deep breath before whispering, "I killed her Alex. I am the reason my mother is dead." Alex looked at Olivia in shock, "Liv...Cragen told me what happened. Your mother fell down the steps, she was an alcoholic. That doesn't make you a bad daughter, and it certainly doesn't make it your fault." Olivia laid silently in Alex's lap for a few minutes taking in what Alex said and trying to believe it. "You don't understand Al, she was an alcoholic because of me. I ruined her life. My conception, my being born was a reminder of her worst day...she hated me. She hated me Alex." Olivia closed her eyes, the pain too much to bear. "I am so very sorry Olivia, nobody should go through what you've been through. What happened to your mother, none of it, was ever your fault. And Olivia, she didn't hate you." Olivia scoffed incredulously, "You don't know that. She beat me Alex, she abused me physically and verbally. I couldn't have friends, my life revolved around caring for her during her alcoholic binges from a young age. She told me I was a monster...the first time I was only 7 years old. But you know what? For all that I put her through that's what I deserved." Alex couldn't help it as a few tears slipped down her cheeks, seeing Olivia like this broke her heart and she wanted to take all her pain away. "Oh Livvy baby, you didn't deserve any of that. And I know your mother didn't hate you, she suffered a traumatic experience and had no right hurting you because of it. But Olivia Margaret Benson I need you to hear me when I tell you that nobody could ever hate you. You are by far the most amazing person that I have ever had the privilege of knowing and loving." Olivia felt as a few more salty drops flow down her cheeks, "damn it, I thought I was done crying," Olivia forced a chuckle, "I love you Alex, so much." Olivia squeezed her hand tightly, burrowing deeper into Alex's chest. "You know, I still loved my mom. Is that crazy? She hurt me more than anyone but I still loved her. When she wasn't drunk she was really great, when I was little we would read books, play games, and go out for ice cream. Lately we would meet once a week for dinner, when she was sober we had a great time, but when she was drunk…" Olivia gave an involuntary shudder. "Of course you love her Liv, that doesn't make you crazy. It sure sounds like she loved you, she was lucky to have you."
Olivia yawned, shocked to see that it was 2AM when she glanced at her watch. "I'm sorry for all of this Alex, it's just a lot I don't know how to feel or what to do. Even though things weren't always good between us she was still my mother and now I don't have any family left, I am all alone." Alex stroked her fingers through Olivia's hair, knowing that always calmed the brunette. "You're not alone baby, for any of it, for better or worse. I am not leaving. You're stuck with me." Olivia gave a soft smile, "There is nothing I would love more." Olivia felt her eyes getting heavy and knew she needed to sleep soon. "I'm so tired," she mumbled. Alex grinned at her bleary eyed lover, "You've had a long day, I'm sure you're exhausted. Cragen said he gave you tomorrow off and I took off to be with you. Don't even try arguing with me about it, I am a lawyer I will win," Olivia gave a sleepy chuckle. "So we can sleep in tomorrow and if there's anything you need planning your mother's funeral or anything at all, I am going to be here for all of it." Olivia gave her a soft peck on the lips, "I am too tired to argue with you anyways. I love you Alex, so much. Thank you for being here with me. I know I will be able to get through this with you by my side."