DARIA/CALL OF CTHULHU: Shadows of a Sick Sad World
Daria and all related characters are property of Viacom.
Chapter 1: Things No Teen Should Know
If curiosity is what killed the cat, then the Morgendorffer sisters and Jane Lane were toast. Standing before them in the basement of the Zon were a handful of men and women in odd robes, one of them none other than Miss Angela Li, principal of Lawndale High and sworn enemy of students and staff alike. Presently, the good Miss Li was holding a dagger above a restrained and gagged Brittany Taylor, the blond cheerleader futilely squirming against the ropes that bound her to an ugly-looking concrete altar.
"Glad you could make it, girls." Li said in her usual quasi-patronizing tone.
"What the hell is going on down here?" Jane thundered.
"Just one of our usual ceremonies, that's all. Unfortunately, you've seen too much, so I'm afraid we're going to have tie up some loose ends." Li replied, gesturing as her cohorts drew submachine guns and aimed them directly at the interlopers.
"Do we at least get a final cigarette?" Daria snarked.
"Come on, Miss Morgendorffer. Don't you know that smoking's bad for your health?"
"Neither is a hailstorm of 9mm rounds cutting your internal organs to shreds."
Miss Li chuckled.
"That's what I like about you, Daria– always ready with a defiant quip, even in your final moments. A shame it won't save you or your fri–"
Just then, the sound of a shotgun blast from outside echoed through the room, prompting Miss Li's face to contort into an expression of sheer terror and a whimper from Quinn.
"Fire on my comm–" Miss Li began.
Right on cue, a nearby door to a utility corridor fell down, revealing a cloud of smoke from which emerged the familiar form of Anthony DeMartino, clad in combat fatigues and clutching an Ithaca 37 Stakeout in his hands.
"I always KNEW you were a HINKY one, Angela! I just didn't exPECT you to be the HEAD honCHO of the local FRANCHISE!"
"Now, Anthony, let's be reasonable about th–"
"Says the woman about to FILLET one of her own school's cheerLEADers in the name of some eldritch aBOMINation!"
Miss Li grimaced as she gestured to her cohorts.
"I'm sorry, but it looks like you're outnumbered, DeMartino. I hope you've made your peace right about now."
"You're NOT the only ONE with friends HERE, Principal!"
There was a sudden burst of gunfire from within the still-lingering cloud of smoke, felling some of Li's associates. A moment later, a burly man with a short-cropped hightop barged in, clutching an M16.
Wait, is that Coach Buzzcut?! Daria thought as she, Jane, and Quinn watched on.
Just then, they heard Miss Li begin to chant in some alien language before proceeding to stab one of her fellow robed cohorts. A moment later, a vaguely spherical mass of iridescent black protoplasm materialized and charged at the two men, all while Brittany's screams and squeals filled the air.
That's it– I'm going in.
Before either Daria or Quinn could do anything, Jane broke into a sprint and raced towards the altar, slowing only to grab Li's dagger from its current resting place and then to cut Brittany free from the altar.
"LANE! What the HELL are you doING?!" DeMartino screamed.
"Saving this blond's butt from the Blob over there, that's what!"
"Get OUT of here, dammit! This place is liable to become a grunge inFERno!"
"…wait, what?" Daria asked.
"Don't ask stuPID questions, Morgendorffer– just RUN before either the shoggoth or the fire gets you!"
"What about you?" Jane asked.
"I'll be FINE! Now scrAM, and close the DOOR on your way out!"
As the quartet dashed up the stairs, DeMartino reached for a pint-sized glass bottle topped with a grenade fuze assembly that was resting on his side.
"Bon appetit, you UGLY son of a BITch!" he yelled as he pulled the pin and lobbed the bottle at the monster, watching with grim satisfaction as said bottle was absorbed by the creature before detonating inside its protoplasmic body.
Casa Lane– several minutes later
"So, what just happened?" Quinn asked as she joined the others around Jane's dining table, each girl seated before a mug of hot chocolate.
"I have no idea, but something tells me that our lives are about to get interesting– at least in the Chinese sense." Jane replied.
"And here I thought they already were." Daria snarked.
For her part, Brittany was rocking herself back and forth with a thousand-yard stare, her mug untouched.
"Now I lay me down to sleep, and pray the Lord my soul to keep…" she continuously murmured.
"Y'know, maybe it'd be good if we just all spent the night here." Jane said.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Yep, it's another unlikely crossover. Hopefully I'll be able to cool it down on these, but for now, enjoy the madness. As for the genesis of this fic, the core idea was "Daria et al snarking their way through the average Lovecraftian cosmic horror story" crossed with my own designs of trying to reinterpret some of the iffier material of both Lovecraft's original works and subsequent adaptations/expansions/interpretations thereof (along with some of the dumber things from said adaptations/expansions/interpretations).
As for what particular version of the Mythos is being used here, it's roughly based on the version from the Call of Cthulhu RPG from Chaosium, as well as its spinoff Delta Green from Pagan Publishing. And just so we're all on the same page, time for the first installment in an ongoing glossary…
Shoggoth: Think the Blob, except with a bunch of eyes floating on the surface.