1: A Beautiful Inconvenience
It was awkward. So, so awkward. But Rachel was right, I couldn't walk away from my child. And that meant providing whatever support Melissa needed: financial, practical, even emotional. I kept telling myself it was only for a few years. Soon the baby would be old enough that we could pass the child from parent to parent with relatively little contact between us. But right now, this pregnancy had driven a wedge between me and Rachel, and I resented it.
Seeing Melissa meant seeing Rachel as well. Melissa just wasn't competent as an adult, let alone as a parent. She would need all the support she could get, and I couldn't leave it all to poor Philip. I was determined he wouldn't suffer because of mine and Melissa's mistake. Despite their disagreements, for the sake of the baby, Melissa needed her sister, and that meant I had to keep bumping into the woman I loved but could not have. Luckily, Rachel's demanding work schedule meant her visits were brief, and infrequent. Still though, it stung every time I saw her. By the look on her face, I could tell she felt the same way. I only wished I could take her into my arms and promise her we could make this work, somehow.
It was the most uncomfortable six months of my life. I was so angry with Melissa, I knew I could never forgive her for this. And yet, I could not allow Philip or the baby to suffer for it, even if it did mean providing emotional support for that nasty little cow, who had destroyed my relationship with Eddie. I kept myself at a distance as much as possible, speaking to her on the phone rather than visiting. When I did bump into Eddie, it hurt like mad. I just wanted to throw myself into his arms every time, but I knew how much I had hurt him, and how much he must hate me now.
I got a new job at another school, not too far away from home. They were surprised to see a former deputy head applying for a part time teaching position, but the reduction in pressure would give me the time I needed to support my baby. I sold my house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on it any more. I got myself a flat. It was comfortable enough, and I'd just about managed to stretch my budget to afford one with a second bedroom so that one or the other of my children could stay over sometimes. I found myself relaxed, freed from the pressures of senior management, enjoying my time in the classroom. And most of all, I enjoyed clocking off at lunchtime, shutting myself in my classroom, and finishing my marking by half past three. My evenings were taken over by Melissa, needing help around the house, fetching shopping, cooking, cleaning, I had to make sure my baby would have a safe, hygienic home to live in.
Waterloo Road School kept my mind off Eddie, and Melissa. I did not think things could possibly get worse, but it was the hardest term of my life, professionally speaking. There simply was no room in my head to think of Eddie. During the summer I had missed him every night, when I went to bed, alone. But now I was too exhausted even for that, falling into bed late, barely able to keep my eyes open a moment longer, I would drift straight off into a dreamless, empty sleep, and awake feeling much the same.
Then the day arrived in mid-November. One of my colleagues came into my classroom saying, "I'm here to cover your lesson," and handed me a note. I knew what it would say. I gathered up my things as quickly as possible and headed to the hospital for the arrival of the baby. I was banished from the delivery room. This was one part of the process where I simply had nothing to offer. I waited in the corridor, sitting with my head in my hands, pacing, checking my phone, it seemed to go on forever.
I don't know how she persuaded me, but I agreed to accompany Melissa at the birth. When the day arrived I held her hand and encouraged her as best I could throughout her labour. I really hoped Eddie would step up the way he had promised, as I couldn't bear to keep ties with Melissa, nor to help her raise Eddie's child. I would do what I needed to make sure my nephew was safe and well. I would help Melissa in practical ways if she needed it, I would even send her money, but I was determined not to love this child. When finally the little boy arrived, they tried to pass the baby to Melissa, but she refused to hold him. I looked at him, so tiny, so innocent, and I felt sorry for him. Without thinking, I reached out and took him into my arms and stared into his deep, grey eyes. I knew I had to allow Eddie to meet him as soon as possible, before this bond became irreversible. And so I went to the door, called him in, and placed his son into his arms.
Finally the door opened and Rachel was standing there, holding my baby in her arms. I ran up to her and stared at his tiny little face. In that instant, everything changed. This was no longer an inconvenient pregnancy that had destroyed everything, but a perfect, beautiful little boy who I loved with all my heart. I sat in the chair and Rachel passed my son into my arms. I held him close and kissed his soft forehead. I looked over at Melissa and she just rolled her eyes. Clearly this wasn't a moment we would be sharing. For a while I just sat staring at my baby boy. I didn't notice I was crying until Rachel passed me a tissue.