Cliff Simon Factoid: If you miss Cliff, YouTube has a bunch of interviews with him. I am not sure that I am able to watch yet. #toosoon
SAM
I have never been in pain like this before. Getting hit by a zat hurts less than this. Having a Tok'ra down your throat hurts less than this. People keep coming into this room to get vitals and trying to talk to me to ask me how I'm doing. I hurt, people! Leave me alone.
Another contraction grips my body. In seconds, Jack is right by my side.
"Please don't touch me," I hiss through the pain. He retreats to a chair in the room.
He is leaning forward, elbows bouncing on his knees. He stares at me, knowing he can do nothing to help me, or to take my pain away.
The epidural takes the edge off of the pain. It has not numbed me completely. I knew this may be an issue. Ever since Jolinar, I have a strange resistance to pain meds. I lay here now a little more relaxed.
I look over to where Jack is still sitting. I try to give him a smile, but I'm so tired. He pulls the chair over next to me, and this time I let him take my hand.
"I'm sorry," I whisper to him.
"Nothing to be sorry for. You're doing great," he says softly. I'm sure that's all he can think to say. But he's not pushing a bowling ball through his ass. OK, Sam, stop. He's a good man. And he is here with you.
Another contraction overtakes me, and it's not quite as bad as the ones before the epidural. Doctor Klein comes into the room and asks the nurse to get me ready to deliver. She puts my file down and gowns up. Two more nurses come into the room.
My legs are up in the stirrups now. I hold his hand. I look up at him and find that he's focused on the commotion around the room. I see he is taking it all in, especially my legs up in the stirrups.
He looks at me and smiles when he realizes I'm looking at him. I smile back at him. I do love him. I really, really do.
Doctor Klein tells me he needs to examine me again.
"Ten centimeters," he says to the nurse. He looks at Jack and smiles, then looks at me from between my legs.
"Alright, Doctor Carter, Colonel, are you ready to meet your son?" he asks.
I look up at Jack. He's nervous. I'm nervous.
"At this point I don't have much of a choice, do I?" I ask, trying to be funny. But then a contraction grips me, and it feels like my body has already absorbed all of the epidural medicine. That one hurt.
"Jack?" I squirm. He squeezes my hand reassuringly.
"I'm right here," Jack says softly to me.
He leans over and kisses the top of my head. I don't want to let go of his hand. But I also don't want him touching me. I want to scream. I'm a little scared, I think.
The nurses move themselves into position around me. On my next contraction, Klein asks me to push. Oh my god. My son is coming. I don't feel anything is happening. I look up to Jack. He's looking down at Doctor Klein, just waiting for our son. Jack is going to be an amazing father.
I contract and push for the next forty minutes or so. I'm not going to lie. This hurts. I ask Jack to undo the snaps on my gown and lower it below my shoulders, folded over my chest. I want to feel my son when they lay him on me.
After some time, Doctor Klein says the head is poking through. He asks if I want to reach down to feel my son's head. Sure, why not. I reach between my legs, and I feel something that normally is not there. This is my son. A little human that has been growing inside of me. The moment I feel his head, I'm in love.
Jack reaches down to touch his son's head, too. I wasn't sure if he'd be up for that. He surprises me every day.
I'm so tired. After three more contractions, I feel relief. I look down. Our son is now in the hands of Doctor Klein. I hear Jacob cry. The doctor holds Jacob for a few moments as he and the nurses give him a once over. Then he stands up and leans over me. He places Jacob on my chest. I haven't even realized I am crying until I take Jacob's tiny hand into mine.
This is all happening so very fast. I don't know what to concentrate on. My eyes are moving so fast all around, but all I want to do is look at my son.
Jack is leaning over us. He places one hand on my head, brushing some of the longer pieces of my hair out of the way. He places the other hand on Jacob's back. Jack's hand is almost as big as Jacob's entire back. I tear my eyes from my baby to look at Jack. I watch a single tear fall from his eye. Then another. Jack kisses me softly. I taste his tears.
Jacob is still crying.
"Hey, buddy. It's your daddy. It's OK, bud. It's OK," Jack whispers to our son, caressing his back.
As Jack touches Jacob's back and whispers to him, he quiets down. It's like he already knows his father's touch.
One nurse comes to my other side with a towel. She starts wiping off Jacob. She gives us a few more moments with our son.
JACK
I just felt my son's head between the legs of my wife. This is happening. He is almost here. I honestly never thought I'd ever get the chance to be a father again. I am having a baby again. And it is happening with my best friend. I can't stop my emotions and I don't give a crap what people say about me shedding a tear or two. This is my family.
Carter has been doing so great. I can't imagine pooping a bowling ball out of my body. She is incredible. When they laid Jacob on her chest and I touched him for the first time, my entire body trembled or vibrated. When he stopped crying at my touch, a part of me just melted. I would do anything for this little guy. Anything.
The nurse opposite me flips Jacob onto his back on top of Carter's chest. Carter hasn't stopped crying yet. I'm not really sure if I have either. The nurse preps the umbilical cord as we both watch.
Carter still has her legs up in the stirrups. It will be some time before she delivers the placenta. I cringe at the thoughts about that.
The nurse hands me the sterile scissors. I cut in between the two tie-offs on Jacob's umbilical cord. Then Jacob is taken from us to do whatever it is they do to babies after they are freed from the mother. I can hear him crying and I want to hold him to make him stop.
I return to giving Carter attention. I kiss the top of her head.
"You missed again," she said, giving me a tired smile.
I lean down and kiss her so very gently on the lips. I caress her face with my hands and look her straight in the eyes. I love this woman with all my heart.
"Congratulations, mom," I say softly to her.
"Congratulations, dad."
"I love him, Carter. He's perfect. Just like his mother."
"I never thought I'd get to experience this. He is perfect, isn't he?"
She looks at me with those blue eyes. I kiss her again, then it's time to let her be so the rest of the birth process can happen. I don't need to be here for this, nor do I want to watch.
I walk over to where the nurses are cleaning, vaccinating, and wrapping up my son. They say I can remove my gown and gloves. A nurse hands me my son, all wrapped up with a very cute blue hat on his head. My son.
Something like a charge passes between me and Jacob when the nurse hands him to me. But I don't think he feels it. His eyes are closed. His face is a little wrinkly. He has a tiny blanket wrapped around him, keeping his arms and legs inside. I bet he feels like he is still wrapped up inside of Carter.
I feel my entire body tense up, like a tiger about to pounce. My job is to protect this life. And I will gladly give mine so that he could live.
I really never thought this would happen again. Charlie will never leave my soul. But right now, in this moment with my son in my arms, I feel like Charlie has given me his blessing with Jacob.
Charlie would have loved a little brother. I can't change what happened. And I will never forgive myself. I can only try to do better for Jacob. I feel a chill up my spine. This is not the time to let myself spiral down.
I walk back to Carter, who is still not ready to be moved. I hand her our son, and a nurse helps show Carter how to get Jacob latched on to feed. Jacob fidgets a little bit as he begins to have his first real meal. The nurse says that getting the baby to latch on soon after birth may quicken the delivery of the placenta.
Carter looks so happy. Tired, but happy. She is smiling as she talks quietly to Jacob. She caresses the face of our son as he eats. She looks up at me with a huge smile on her face. That smile is the one that changed my life the first time I saw it.
Within the hour after giving birth to our son, Carter has delivered everything else she needs to out of her body. I take Jacob from her. I'm going to go show him off to those gathered in the waiting area.
One of the nurses is getting Carter ready to be transferred to a room. We will spend the night at the hospital, and as long as there are no complications with mother or baby, we will go home tomorrow.
I kiss Carter again and say I'll be back shortly. I'm given her room number in case I take too long. She doesn't want visitors to the room. I'm fine with that. She smiles up at me and reaches for Jacob. She kisses him tenderly, then grabs my arm gently.
"Thank you," she says.
I look at her and wonder what I did to deserve her gratitude. The thanks is all mine for what she has just done.
"Carter. You have the backwards. Thank you," I say, holding Jacob up, then bringing him close to my chest. I smile at her and wonder what I've done to deserve her. "I'll be back," I say softly, then spin happily towards the door.
I find my way to the waiting room and find it full of our friends from work. If anyone didn't already know, now they know for certain that I'm the father of Carter's baby. I could give two shits what happens to me now. Jacob is my priority.
Everyone in the room allows General Hammond to step up to me first. He looks at Jacob and smiles.
"Congratulations, Jack. He's gorgeous. Just like his mother," Hammond says with a little laugh.
"His looks are definitely not from me, sir. Thank you. He is perfect. So, any news about my future?" I ask.
He takes me to the side of everyone out of ear shot.
"They want to get you both with an Article 133. But, due to Doctor Carter's disappearance, and subsequent KIA status, they cannot get that to stick for her legally," he says.
I am confused.
"Why not?" I ask.
"Because 'fair notice' could not be given at the time of discovery. She was legally dead and no longer a member of the military when it was discovered."
"OK, makes sense. And me?"
"They want to get you for conduct unbecoming under 133, but someone higher up wants to push for 134. General Counsel says that either one could stick for you. All agree that for all intents and purposes, fair notice has now been given to you both regardless of which Article moves forward," Hammond told me.
"Article 134? Really? Let me guess who," I say quietly. I didn't have to guess. I knew exactly who it was. That rat bastard Kinsey. "Well, you know what. This little guy is worth it. Can I retire early to avoid charges?"
"I don't know. That is something you will need to discuss with your counsel. I'm hoping they stick with 133 and unbecoming. I'm also really hoping the whole thing will be dropped. But it won't. I'll let you get back to your friends. Congratulations again. Send my congratulations on to Doctor Carter."
"Thank you, sir."
I won't mention any of that to Carter right now. We have too much goodness going on right now with Jacob. I spend a few more minutes with everyone here who wants to see the baby. Daniel, Janet, Cass, and Murray are here. They said big Jacob and Matta are on their way. Now I guess we'll have a big Jacob and a little Jacob.
Cassie says she loves little Jacob already. The rest of the group takes time to see the little guy. But I don't let anyone touch or hold him.
My son starts to squirm and cry a little. I take my leave of everyone in the waiting area and return our baby to his mother. Carter has already been moved to her room. A nurse escorted me to our room where we'd be for the night. By the time I get to the room, Carter has already taken a shower and is settled in the bed for the night.
The moment she saw me walk in with Jacob, her face lit up and she reached her arms out for him. I've never seen this side of Carter. She is discovering her maternal side. And she is beautiful at it.
She holds our son and feeds him again. The nurses come in with a bassinet for him to sleep next to Carter's bed. The room has a big recliner for me.
The night was long. Jacob fussed quite a bit, but he did start to sleep more than a few minutes at a time. He slept for three hours, ate a little bit, then slept again for a few hours. And so it went for our first night as a family. Family. Samantha Carter is the mother of my child. Samantha Carter is my family. We have a son together. I wouldn't change anything in order to have what I have right now in front of my eyes.
SAM
I am tired. I am sore. Giving birth to a tiny human is a lot of work and it is very messy. I never thought I'd have this chance. Jacob is my heart and soul. I would do anything for him. And he's only two days old now.
We have been home adjusting to this new life form with us. Jack is such a wonderful father. I really have no idea what I'm doing. But I'm learning as I go.
Hammond stopped by earlier today. He said my paperwork to get reinstated was submitted. He also said the paperwork for my back pay was turned in. So I should be seeing that within a week or two after I'm reinstated.
I did decide to return to active duty. I didn't have the discussion with Jack before telling Hammond on the phone yesterday. I don't think Jack was upset with me for not talking it through with him. He said he'd support whatever I decided to do. But it was sort of a spur of the moment decision from his perspective.
Hammond told me of the impending charges against me. The charges against me are likely not going to stick. Jack is another story altogether. I hear a knock at the front door.
I'm sitting in the rocking chair feeding Jacob in his room. I hear Jack get up from one of the kitchen chairs to answer the door. From the voices I hear out there, I can tell it's my dad. I am excited to introduce his grandson to him. Why am I nervous?
Someone else is with them. I assume it's Matta. I can hear the three of them in the kitchen talking. A few minutes later, Jack pops his head in to check on me. I'm just finishing up feeding Jacob. I need to change him and get him ready to meet his grandpa.
"You two doing OK?" Jack asks.
"Ya, he was hungry. But we're ready to meet grandpa Jacob."
"Matta is here too. He's uh," and Jack stopped talking.
"He took a symbiote," I say more than I ask. Jack nods his head. I know how Jack feels about them.
"I can't wait to meet him. Or her."
"OK, let me get him off of his feeding tube."
Jack laughs at me. Yes, I said that. Why not? I can be a goofball mom if I want to be. I change Jacob real quick. I put him in a cute outfit with a dinosaur on it for him to meet his grandfather.
"Ready?" I ask with a smile. The three of us walk out of Jacob's room together.
I walk into the kitchen holding my son. I smile at my dad and he immediately takes Jacob into his arms. He gives me a side hug, and kisses my cheek. He tries to choke back tears a little as he holds his grandson out to get a better look at him.
"Sammie, he is gorgeous. Just like his mother. No offense, Jack," dad says with a little laugh.
"None taken. I know where his looks come from," he says, smiling at me. I wonder if Jack will ever know how incredibly attractive he is.
"Sam, what is his name?" Dad asks, lightly bouncing with Jacob in his arms.
I look at Jack first, and he nods his head at me. He puts his hand on my lower back and gives me small caresses with his thumb.
"Dad, we'd like you to meet your grandson, Jacob James O'Neill," I say with a huge smile on my face.
Dad stares at me, eyes full of water. He looks over to Jack and nods his head in understanding. He glances at Matta, and Matta just stands and smiles.
"Sammie. Your mother would be so proud of you," dad says, finally breaking down.
Jack motions his head at Matta to leave the room. They go out back to give me some privacy with my dad. Dad continues to hold Jacob. It is a few more moments before I speak again. We both are very emotional right now.
"I miss her, dad. I wish that she were here for this," I say softly.
I stay standing in front of him. I watch how he looks at his grandson. His eyes sparkle and his smile is so big. That looks how I feel with my son. I wonder if this is how my dad reacted when I was born? So many feelings of regret pull at my heart watching him hold his grandson.
"Dad, I am so sorry for how I treated you after mom died. I am so proud of you for what you accomplished in the Air Force, and for what you are doing now," I cry out.
My dad wraps one arm around me and hugs me with Jacob between us. He lets me cry.
"I miss her, too, kiddo. You have nothing to apologize for. It was hard to lose her, but we all got through it. And I am very proud of what you have done with your life. Especially this little guy. He is going to change your life. But, I think it will be very rewarding for you," he says softly, pulling out of our hug.
"Let's go sit down, OK?" I ask through my sniffles.
We both sit on the couch with Jacob in my dad's lap. I am still crying a little bit. I did not realize how much I had built up inside of me. I miss my mom. I wish I could share this with her. I screwed up so many times with my dad. So many times I lashed out when I could have helped him.
"He is beautiful. I know she is smiling down on you. Sam, listen to me," he says. I raise my eyes to his eyes. "You are going to mess up and make mistakes. Lord only knows how many mistakes I made with you and your brother. He's going to get older. He's going to argue with you. He's going to break your heart once in a while."
"Dad, come on, as if I'm not already crying," I softly reply.
"It does not mean you don't love him, or he doesn't love you. One day he will come around again, just like you and your brother did. I think you are going to be an amazing mom."
I lean back on the couch and I turn my body to face the two Jacob's in my life. I watch dad interact with Jacob for a little while longer. I quiet myself, and my tears stop.
"You were a tough birth for your mom. They missed the window for her epidural because you came so quickly," my dad says. "You caused her some pain, but once she started pushing, you came out in about an hour."
"I had no idea. Thank you for sharing that with me," I pause. "I did have an epidural. But because of, well, things, I assimilate the meds so quickly. I was in quite a bit of pain with this little one. He was also out about an hour after I started pushing," I say, caressing Jacob's cheek with the back of my finger.
My dad and I share a moment just staring at Jacob as he opens and closes his eyes. Dad let Jacob grab his finger. Jacob stares up at dad, then kicks his feet up in the air. He is also drooling a bit. He is just perfect.
"I was in labor for almost 24 hours. But, I'd do it all over again," I say softly, just looking at my son's face.
We spend some time sitting on the couch talking. It's been a long time since the two of us have had any personal time together like this. I tell him of my decision to remain on active duty, about my back pay getting approved, and we discuss Jack's charges for a short time.
"If I were you, I'd get everything done legally that the two of you can. If that means getting married, then you should do it, Sam."
"Dad. I don't have to get married. Many women have children alone and raise them just fine with or without the father."
My dad gives me that look he gives me when he knows that I know something he has said is correct, but I'm being a stubborn ass about it.
"Don't do this, Sam. It's far too late to play games with him. You have a child with him. You are not even thinking of him, or what he may have to go through now legally when you say things like that. That man loves you. Now pull your head out of your ass and listen to me on this."
I stare at my dad. I get angry before I realize what he says is true. I'm being selfish. I can't afford to be selfish. I'm not back with the Odeni, alone and having to navigate a life without Jack. I am here with Jack. I am here on Earth.
Do I love Jack? The answer is yes. I know I can't imagine my life without him in it. Getting married won't take away my independence, or make me any less of a woman. I still will be gaining a life with my best friend. Jack wants to marry me. That should be a big sign of how serious he takes me and Jacob.
Our situation certainly is not unique. Perhaps unique in the fact that Jack might have to face punishment for what we did. And maybe in Jack's point of view it seems that I do not care about any of that. I'm focused on myself, not on him. Dad is right.
Or am I waiting until I feel some warm fuzzy thing inside of me that will tell me I'm still in love with him, even though I know that warm fuzzy won't always be there?
"It's just been so overwhelming. I've been back, what, not even two weeks or so now? And now we have a baby. When I was out there, I had to start imagining a life without ever seeing Earth again. I had to begin to think that I'd never see him again, or see you for that matter. I feel like I need to get to know him all over again," I say.
He reaches over and touches my arm.
"You will know when it's right. I'm sorry, Sam. I can't even imagine what you went through those months you were gone. But I thought my daughter was dead. I had to bury her. Now she is here in front of me, and she has given me a grandson. And he really is perfect. I'm happy for you and Jack. I really am. As hard as I am on him, I know he's a good man. Deep down, he cares far more than he lets on, and he loves deeper than he will ever admit," he said, touching my cheek and wiping away a stray tear.
I sniffle, and smile at my dad.
"Now that sounds like something Selmak would say."
"She is very wise, you know. She adores little Jacob," he says, looking down at Jacob on his lap. "You named him after me?"
"We did," I say, straightening on the couch. "James is Jack's father's name. We wanted to honor the men in our lives. I didn't think you'd mind," I said, leaning into his side a little bit.
"Why don't I watch him one night before I leave. You and Jack go out and spend some time alone talking. Even if you just go spend time at his place. Get your head on straight, Sam. Don't screw up a good thing."
I look down at my son. His eyes are open and he is looking straight at my dad, like he knows what my dad said is true. This little life we created already owns my heart. I wonder if babies can sense symbiotes?
"I'd like that very much. Thank you," I say to dad.
We sit there just talking some more while we enjoy the quiet time with little Jacob. Dad is gone more than he is on Earth. Perhaps now he will have an excuse to come to Earth more often.
We hear the back door open, and voices come back inside. Jack and Matta join us in the living room.
"So, Matta. I hear you are Tok'ra now. How has that been for you?" I ask when they both sit down.
"It's been great so far. My symbiote, Ceti, is old and wise. Though, not as old as Selmak," Matta says, and we all laugh. "Ceti has taught me a lot in a short time. We have much more to learn. Would you like to meet him?"
"I would love that," I say honestly. Jack squirms a little in his seat, but he says nothing and keeps his eyes on Matta. We watch Matta lower his head, then raise it slowly. We all hear the rhythmic tones coming from him.
"Major Carter, it is an honor to meet you. Matta has filled me in on your disappearance and your return. I must say that it is good to have you back. Your child is beautiful."
"Thank you, Ceti. What are your plans now?" I ask.
"Right now, my plan is to remain on SG-1. I will be an emissary here on Earth, much like Jacob is to the Tok'ra. I believe I can add knowledge and experience to the SGC. I have a long history of scientific research and discovery in my past. I am very excited to remain on Earth. Matta's family won't have to miss him too much," he says with a smile.
Although I fully expect that, a part of my gut fell out by hearing that. So what does that mean for me and my future? I'm getting reinstated, but not back to SG-1? I look at Jack. We really haven't had that talk yet. Who will stay on Earth with the baby?
"That's wonderful, Ceti. Welcome to Earth, then."
We all continue to talk. Matta and Ceti move through the conversations along with dad and Selmak. Little Jacob starts to squirm, and I excuse myself to take him to his room to feed again.
I change Jacob and lay him down for a nap. I grab one of the baby monitors and go back out to the living room. We decide to order food from the Italian place in my neighborhood. Jack and Matta go to pick it up. That gives me and dad more time to talk. And talk we do.
Dad asks me what I want as far as the job goes. I honestly don't know. I'd love to have it all, but I can't. Or do I already have it all? No matter what happens, I will have a job. I will have a family. And I will have a man in my life who said he won't let me do this alone. And he hasn't left.
Maybe I already have all that I will ever need right here and now.