Cloud doesn't quite remember what happened after the attack, he remembers shooting whatever it was. Falling to the ground, Tifa over top of him, shaking him to see if he was okay. There was a bit of blood, mostly bruises but he'd probably be fine.
But after he'd stopped whatever had tried to hurt her he was finished, fading in and out of consciousness as they carried him back to the village. If Zack was there it would have been over with one swing of the sword, some of the other infantrymen probably would've been just fine on their own too. Hell, Tifa probably would've done a better job with the amount of training she's received. Not him. He was weak.
Who was he kidding when he decided to leave and join SOLDIER, who was he kidding when he said he was going to become First Class and fight alongside Sephiroth.
He was nothing but a faceless infantryman, too weak for First Class, too weak for SOLDIER, too weak for her.
He wasn't moving from this bed even if Zack dragged him out or threatened to cut his head off even though he probably wouldn't do it.
He wasn't moving from this bed even if the village was burning all around him.
He thought of Tifa. How would she have reacted if she knew it was him.
She was too kind to say it to his face but he knew she'd be disappointed seeing him, seeing that he couldn't keep his promise.
He never should've agreed to that promise that night but looking back, even if he wanted to he probably wouldn't have been able to say no. Because to him that promise meant she wanted to see him again one day, that when he left she wouldn't just forget about him. But to her it probably meant she'd see him again as a SOLDIER, not as this.
It took everything in him not to just give up and let her see his face, show her that he failed and just end his suffering. He tried to let the situation play out in his head, tried to prepare for every possible reaction. But when he tried to imagine her disappointed or even disgusted he couldn't do it because that just wasn't her. She couldn't be disgusted by anyone, she couldn't hate anyone. It wasn't in her to hate, or maybe he'd just yet to see that side of her.
A little voice in the back of his head tried to tell him to just go and see her, that she'd probably just be happy to see him alive and well. Luckily he found that voice and shot it in the face.
He heard some talking outside his open window, it sounded like Tifa and Zack. He couldn't make out what they were saying and he wasn't really that interested, well he was but he chose to pretend he wasn't.
Instead he chose to close his eyes, cross his arms and continue thinking about saying hi to Tifa and ultimately circling back around to deciding not to.
Eventually the talking outside his window ended and he figured he should probably be getting sleep to rest up on his injuries.
Well that was his plan before he heard knocking at his door.
"Cloud? Buddy? You awake?" It was Zack, his voice muffled by the wooden door.
Cloud chose to stay quiet, hoping Zack would lose interest and leave. He was stupid for thinking that because of course he didn't.
"Yeah, you're awake," he said, swinging the door open and striding in.
Cloud grumbled, turning over on his side and facing the wall.
He heard Zack move to the other end of the room and grab a chair, placing it beside his bed and plopping down onto it.
"What's got you down buddy?"
"Nothing," he muttered.
"That wasn't very convincing."
Cloud sighs, rolling onto his back and turning his attention to the ceiling. Zack was quiet, sitting in his chair backwards probably waiting for him to say something but eventually realizing that that wasn't happening.
"Don't wanna talk about it?" He asked to which Cloud responds with silence. "Guess not." Another awkward silence. "Sephiroth locked himself away in the basement."
"What happened?" Cloud asked.
"Dunno, something up in the reactor spooked him or confused him or something. I'll go check on him if he's stuck in there for too long."
"Okay," Cloud said before the room got quiet again. For all his energy and charisma it seemed Zack couldn't carry a conversation when Cloud was in a pissy mood.
Zack got quiet for a second, he was probably trying to just let Cloud lay there quietly like he wanted to but Cloud could already tell that he wanted to say something judging by the way his leg was bouncing up and down.
Sighing, he relented. "What is it?" He asked.
"Tifa wants to see you," he said immediately.
"No," Cloud responds immediately as well.
"Cloud," he groans, leaning back and looking at the ceiling. "She just wants to see if you're doing okay."
"Tell her no."
"Ugh," Zack slumped forward in his chair, crossing his arms and leaning his forehead. "Why is this so difficult for you?"
"You know why," Cloud responded, deciding to sit up and lean against the headboard. "I'm not a-"
"You're not a SOLDIER, yeah, yeah. Cloud, you know getting into SOLDIER isn't a walk in the park, I had to work hard for it, you can't expect it to just happen like that."
"I know but… I swore to everyone I'd be a First Class SOLDIER when I returned and now I'm back home and I'm not even third. Just an infantryman.
"You think she'll be disappointed?" He asked, even though it was more of a statement. Cloud averted his gaze which told Zack all he needed to know.
And he laughed. Asshole. "Are you kidding?" Zack laughed, to which Cloud frowned. "She asks me about a blonde SOLDIER with spiky hair every chance she gets!"
"Really?" Cloud asked, he tried hiding the excitement he felt at hearing that but failed miserably.
"Yup," Zack said, his laughter dying down. "Cloud, buddy. I can tell she misses you, could you please let her see you."
He was almost ready to agree to see her. Almost. But there was one thing about what he said that bugged him.
"You said blonde SOLDIER?"
"Uh, yeah. Why?"
"SOLDIER."
"Oh Ifrit," Zack groaned, hanging his head. "There's no winning with you, is there?"
Cloud laid back down, looking at the ceiling again. He wanted to see Tifa, desperately. But he couldn't stop thinking about those expectations he placed in her head and how she'd react when she realizes he didn't meet those expectations.
"Okay, fine." Zack sighed. "Get some sleep, I'm gonna sit over here 'cause I gotta watch over you."
"Fine," Cloud said quietly, settling in 'cause he was pretty tired. He heard Zack turn on the radio, a bit of noise always helped Cloud sleep easier and he silently thanked Zack for remembering that.
Some song Cloud had never heard before started playing, starting with piano. He heard Zack snort from the other side of the room, like he recognized the song.
"What?" Cloud asked, turning his head to peak at Zack sitting in the corner, some random book in his lap.
"Nothing," Zack replied in a voice that told him it definitely wasn't nothing.
Cloud ignored it, instead choosing to close his eyes and listen to the lyrics and try to drift off to sleep.
Soldier boy why feel blue
Don't you believe that she will be true
It's written in the book
That she was meant for only you
Cloud's eyes shot open.
Are you fucking kidding me. He thought.
"Turn it off," he growled.
"Nope," Zack chuckled.
Soldier boy tell me why do you cry
When you return she'll rush to your side
It's written in the book
That she was meant for only you
"This isn't funny."
"I disagree."
While you're gone oh try to believe
Her love for you is really for real
It's written in the book
That she was meant for only you
He'd only heard three verses of this song and he already hated it. It didn't sound bad, the singer was pretty good actually. The problem was he was singing about all the things Cloud wanted, all the things he hoped for, and all the things that weren't true.
"I'll turn it off if you promise to talk to her," Zack suggested.
"Fine," Cloud relented, figuratively crossing his fingers.
"I'll drag you out and force you to if you don't do it yourself."
"Okay," he grumbled.
Zack finally changed the channel to a different station, some other song he'd never heard of but it didn't matter.
Guess I'm talking to Tifa.
Is what he thought. Unfortunately, faith had other plans. Faith steered them in a different direction before he had the chance.
He swirled the drink in his hand, staring at it before taking another sip. Helping out around the slums wasn't too bad, it would be worse if Tifa wasn't by his side helping him out.
The drink was red, reminded him of her eyes. He told her that in his own way, he hopes she got what he was trying to say. He was at the dart board now, crushing Wedge's record on the first try. Part of him felt bad about it, the other part of him smirked as he wrote it down on the page. If Wedge didn't believe him he'd be happy to do it again.
He wandered around the bar, examining it. He could hear muffled talking coming from below the arcade machine and chose to stay upstairs. He went behind the counter, checking under it to see where they kept the good stuff.
Apparently everyone had their own drink, each labelled with their names on it. For Barrett, for Jessie, for Tifa.
He didn't have one, he shouldn't expect to have one. It's not like he was sticking around. Right?
No, of course not.
He moved over to the jukebox, it was playing some jazz tune. He'd always sounded nice, something about the tune made him feel like he was coming home. But he figured he could check out what other records they had. He flipped through some of them. The Midgar Blues, Tango of Tears, Hip Hop de Chocobo. He'd heard all of them, they were decent. Finally he arrived at the last option.
"Soldier Boy," he read aloud. Without warning his ears started to ring and he was hit with a headache, not quite as piercing as some of the ones he'd had earlier that day but it certainly didn't feel good. The headache eventually subsided and he was able to turn his attention back to the disc in his hands. He doesn't think he's heard this song before so he might as well pop it in.
Soldier boy why feel blue
Don't you believe that she will be true
It's written in the book
That she was meant for only you
He heads back to the bar as the first part of the song begins. He listens to the lyrics, something about the song felt familiar. It felt familiar in a good way. Something about the song makes him smile as he brings the drink back up to his lips.
He doesn't know where he would've heard it before but something about it made him feel warm inside, made the constant storm of static and screams in his head halt for a second. He smiled.
"Nice song," he muttered to the empty bar.