Author's Note: I know I said I was going to do this after I finished the trilogy, but I decided it was now or never to do this crossover. This time, it's humans in Zootopia.
Disclaimer: Zootopia and all affiliated characters are property of Disney, and Lethal Weapon is property of Warner Brothers.
Chapter One: The World You Know
Los Angeles, 1990
Beep! Beep!
"As if wrecking my brand new car wasn't bad enough," complained Murtaugh, "you're gonna destroy your own too! You sick sonofabitch!" "Hey look, tightwad," snapped back Riggs, "this thing can take on anything that the city throws at us! Watch this."
Swerve!
Riggs attempted to get his GMC truck up in front of the suspect vehicle, a grey Cadillac, and swerved right in front of him to block the suspects. The Cadillac collided with Riggs's truck and sent him spiralling out of control and into some sort of tunnel.
"Ah shit Riggs," barked Murtaugh as everything flashed white, "you killed us both!" "Did not," cracked Riggs as he fought to regain control.
ZPD Precinct One
Nick and Judy Wilde, cops, partners, heroes, lovers and parents all at the same time. The bunny fox duo had gone to hell and back repeatedly since young Judy Hopps first arrived in Zootopia, all set on making the world a better place. They stopped drug dealers, rogue diplomats, terrorists, crazy conspiracies and gangs, but now, they couldn't even agree on who was supposed to do the dishes.
The department shrink, a platypus named Dr. Perry, wearing a sweater vest and spectacles, presided over the two. "Now Nick," said Dr. Perry, "start from the beginning." "I think this whole thing is fucking stupid and we should be on the streets right now." "Chief Bogo wants to make sure you two don't do anything stupid on the job because of unresolved personal issues," said Dr. Perry, "so you two are going to talk to me until I think it's appropriate for you two to leave. Now let's talk about all the shouting matches."
"I honestly thought this was just normal couple stuff," chimed in Judy. "Shut up," snapped Nick, "he's not talking to you honey!" "This is what I'm talking about," sighed Dr. Perry, "your petty one-upsmanship. We all know about it, so you can't lie to me." "Who said anything about lying," quipped Nick. "Alright Nick," said Dr. Perry, "that's enough from you," he turned to Judy, "what about Mrs. Wilde here?"
"This whole thing started," said Judy calmly reflecting, "when I told Nick that we should each get separate partners so one of us could watch the boys." "I see," said Dr. Perry, "but Nick," he turned to Nick, "why does this upset you?" "I really don't want to…" "Answer me goddamnit," barked Dr. Perry. "Alright," groaned Nick, "aside from not seeing you," he looked at Judy, "as much as I should, I really only trust myself to keep you safe in the field!" "Gabriel is thirteen now," snapped back Judy, "he can finally do middle school sports and he can't babysit Junior forever. I don't either of our sons, including the one I gave birth to, might I remind you," she continued, "to be stuck with babysitters for the rest of his life!"
"Oh don't get started on that, carrots," barked Nick, "you begged me for that to happen and the odds were one in a million! Don't hold it over my head!"
"Dickhead," snapped Judy.
"Fluffy Cunt," snapped Nick back as they both got really close in each other's faces, only to share a deep, passionate kiss.
"Why do I put up with you," wondered Judy aloud as she settled back down. "Because you're hopelessly in love with me," quipped Nick, "and I've saved your life by risking mine more times than I can count." "I guess you're right," said Judy with a smile, "now can we just finish this meeting with the platypus?"
Tundra Town
"Snow," shouted a confused Murtaugh, "Snow? Where the fuck did this snow come from? We're in L.A. for crying out loud?" Murtaugh and Riggs stood beside the truck, which ran head on into a snowbank in what had to be some strange part of town that they never knew about.
"Let's just find someone and ask for directions," said Riggs as he lit a cigarette. "Give me that," barked Murtaugh as he snatched the cigarette out of his partner's mouth, "you promised you'd try to quit after that bullshit with the South Africans!" "I did, didn't I," said Riggs.
Trish is going to be so pissed when I come home late, thought Murtaugh, we better find out where we are at least. Just then, Murtaugh spotted a very large jogger, wearing a red tracksuit with a hood on, looked like a very pale caucasian male from a distance. Might as well ask this guy.
"Excuse me," said Murtaugh politely as he approached the jogger, "kind sir. Could you please tell us where we are?" "Oh Jesus," gasped the startled jogger as he leapt backwards, revealing himself to be a polar bear, "I'm starting to see things!" "Aaaaahhh," screamed Murtaugh, "there's a polar bear! Riggs! Get us out of here!"
Click!
Riggs, now confused and actually quite frightened, drew his M9. "Please, kind aliens," begged the polar bear, "don't hurt me! I'm just a mail-mammal!" "Oh really," said Riggs, "well then why do you have claws?" "I'm just a regular bear minding my own business," cried the polar, "don't kill me!"
"Wasn't he just the cutest baby," said Judy as she looked through some old photos on her phone while Nick drove his GT through the snowy streets. Judy looked at the pictures of their youngest, and only biological son, a fox rabbit hybrid that they decided looked enough like his old man to inherit his name. Nick Wilde Jr. looked mostly like a red fox, but he had Judy's purple eyes, longer ears than one would see on an actual fox, a shorter tail and bigger feet.
Gabriel Bengal, their adopted son, was a tiger cub that Nick and Judy took in when he was eight and orphaned in a terrorist attack. Those photos showed that Gabriel was quite the big brother, always eager to spend time with Nick Jr. But now, Gabriel had hit puberty, and Nick Jr. had just finished potty training. With any luck, they'd get good jobs and become great adults, hopefully nothing that involved dodging bullets.
"Attention any available units," said Ben Clawhouser over the scanner, "we have a disturbance on Volga Avenue." "What kind of disturbance Benji," asked Nick. "You need to see for yourself," said Clawhouser, "we got a hysterical caller saying something about aliens brandishing weapons in front of him." Why do we always get the crazy ones, though Nick, "10-4," he said as he switched on the lights and siren.
"Oh shit," muttered Murtaugh as he heard the sound of a police siren, "now this just got awkward." "What do you mean Rog," said Riggs, "we're cops." "We might be a little ways out of our jurisdiction," replied Murtaugh.
Just then, a green muscle car with red and blue cop lights flashing pulled up, and a gray rabbit in a purple plaid shirt and red fox in an ugly green shirt and yellow tie leapt out with their pistols drawn. "See what I mean," said Murtaugh. "Quit your complaining Rog," sighed Riggs.
"ZPD," barked the rabbit, whom the two men deduced to be female based on her voice, "lay down your weapons and put your paws in the air! Whatever you two are!" Murtaugh set down his .38. Riggs, following his partner's lead, put down his M9 and they both put their hands in the air.
"Alright E.T. one and two," barked the fox, definitely a male, "what's the big idea, threatening joggers and crashing cars in the snow?" This just keeps getting weirder and weirder, thought Murtaugh, and I thought Riggs was crazy!
"Relax, foxy," said Riggs, "we're cops too!" "Don't call me foxy, moon mammal," barked the fox as he aimed what looked like a 1911 at Riggs's forehead, "And I can shoot better that most mammals in this city, so don't try anything stupid!"
"Alright Nick," said the rabbit to the fox, "that's enough with the bad cop attitude. Let these," she looked at Murtaugh and Riggs again, "beings try to explain themselves before we bring them in." At least somebody here isn't too freaked out by us, thought Murtaugh, and I thought that the fox was about to murder us.
"Can you at least tell us your names," asked Judy as she slowly lowered her Glock. "I'm Sergeant Roger Murtaugh," said Murtaugh, "and this is Sergeant Martin Riggs of the Los Angeles Police Department. We were chasing a drug dealer today, only to take a wrong turn and crash into a snowbank."
"Don't you idiots know how to drive in the snow," asked Nick, the fox, condescendingly. "It doesn't snow where we're from," replied Riggs. "Fair enough," said the rabbit, "why don't you two get in the back of the car so we can bring you two in?" "We're not going to jail, are we," asked Riggs. "No," said the rabbit, "but we do need to figure out what to do with you two." She then turned to the fox, "I have a feeling that Immigration is just going to laugh at us."
ZPD Precinct One
"What the fuck is wrong with you two," said Chief Bogo, "I'm just getting too old for the shit you two throw at me!" "The buffalo stole your line Rog," muttered Riggs to Murtaugh. "Shut up," barked Bogo, "I'm not going to be mocked by you two weirdos after Immigration, Homeland Security and ZIS laughed at me over the last hour!"
Bogo then took a deep breath, then directed his attention to the rabbit, who Murtaugh and Riggs learned her name was Judy. "What did you learn from them, Detective," asked Bogo calmly.
"They're both cops in their homeworld," said Judy, "from some city called 'Los Angeles'. The dark one is always complaining and the light one may be a little crazy." "A little," gasped Murtaugh, "this man once saved a jumper by jumping off a building with him." "What," asked Nick, surprised as he looked at Riggs, "you did that too?" "Oh God," sighed Riggs, "this is like an episode of the Twilight Zone."
"You know what," said an exhausted Bogo, "since we can't take them to prison, as they haven't really done anything, and the feds are no help, you two can watch the aliens."
"No," protested Nick, "what about my boys? How do I know they won't eat them?" "We're not going to eat anybody," said Murtaugh, "or at least I'm not. Riggs on the other hand." "Shut up," snapped Riggs. "I have to agree with my husband here," said Judy, "we don't know what in all we're dealing with here."
"Wait, what," muttered a confused Riggs, "so you two are together now?" "See this," said Judy as she showed them her wedding ring, "we've been together for seven years now."
"You know what," said Bogo, "since you two need new partners, you are taking them in. Have fun with the alien-sitting!"
Author's Note: I hope this was a fun little chapter to set the tone for this story. In this continuity, much like The Dark Mammal, Nick and Judy did have a child together, just in case anyone was confused. After I finish this story, Lethal Paw 3 and one more story centered on the son, I'm going to dive into other franchises. I'm thinking of doing my own, reimagined Marvel Cinematic Universe next. Let me know what y'all think in the comments!