A/N: I wasn't expecting this chapter to take so long-but the last few lines were giving me fits. In the second half of this chapter I'm not the 1st to give Natalie this situation (I believe 3rd after Dulce and CarolinaGal), but I do believe it would have been an amazing storyline for our girl to have gone through. Until next time-PCGirl.
John couldn't help but smile, watching Natalie standing there, pacing the room and constantly ringing her hands, "Why are you so nervous?"
"Huh? What?" she said, turning to look at him and wondering how he was so calm.
"You. You are pacing like we are going into an interview with a sociopath-which I've seen you do before and be calmer doing so," he laughed, a few different ones coming to mind. "But this is just Liam-and all we're doing is opening a line of communication between him and I."
"I know-I just-where do you want to start?"
"Let him decide where to start. We can go forward or backward from that moment, depending on where it is."
Natalie just looked at John-he was quick with an answer for anything she threw at him. And everything seemed so logical-she wondered what it would have been like if they could have parented Liam together. Hearing the front door open she looked at John, "Ready?"
"Sure," he shrugged, as if it was nothing, and she wondered how he was still able to do that-make her relax by really doing nothing at all. "We're in here," she called and watched as Liam and Charlotte came around the corner. "Hey-John, this is Charlotte Vega."
"Nice to meet you," he nodded. "Your dad is a good man, Charlotte."
"He's said the same about you," she smiled and sat down on the love seat, where Liam joined her.
Liam didn't say anything at first-just looked at his parents before talking, "I spent the last few weeks reading articles which included you. And I found some really great stories-made me proud of the last name McBain," he said, giving his mom a smile at correcting what he'd said when this all started. "But the one thing those articles didn't tell me was why you left."
John paused before speaking, knowing these might be the most important words he'd ever say, "I want to start by saying I loved you and your mother very much. Your mom can vouch for me-but there are times I let something from my past direct my present."
"Like Thomas McBain's murder?"
John smirked at Liam's question, his son had done his research, "Yes, exactly like that. And in those moments I forget about the present. I thought I was over that-thought that once you came into the world nothing would pull me away from you. But I was wrong-and I'm ashamed of that. I put a case ahead of you two that took me out of town for an extended period. Things happened during that period-and then outside influences made me believe some stuff that was untrue."
"Outside influences?"
"Your grandfather," spoke Natalie and then continued, "He had my signature forged on a restraining order in which I stated I believed that John was a danger to our safety. And then, a few months after the restraining order, he sent a forged letter which stated I had moved on-found someone with more money than John. That he couldn't support you the way I wanted to be. That if he loved you then he should walk away. None of which is true-you know the Buchanan and Lord money has never mattered to me. I found out about all of this after John was back in the FBI."
Liam sat there quietly for a minute, thinking about how a man he loved and admired could do that to him and his mom. "The paper I read that day at the station."
"Was a very brief synopsis of why I didn't come back once I was in. It was similar to what I would give my agents during training. I give them a situation to read over and analyze-they come up with questions and plan out what to do."
"So they really did send you pictures? Of Mom and Aunt Marcie?"
"Yes, with you and your cousins in them as well. It was a warning to me. The other thing I have a tendency to do is want to put your mom's happiness over my own," he said with a slight smile and looked over to Natalie. "After the warning came I sent a message to your mom to move on and find happiness. When I got out I learned she had done that with Carter. So, I moved on-which now, looking back, I know was the wrong thing to do. I'm sorry, Liam. Sorry I missed out on so many moments of your life."
Liam took a big sigh as he thought everything over, "I'm starting to understand. I mean-it's going to take time, but I think I can get through it. Maybe I already have started-I don't know-it's all confusing."
"I'm not putting any pressure on you. I'd love to have a relationship with you, but rehashing the past isn't going to get us anywhere. I've learned from my mistake when it comes to that-I don't want you to do the same."
"Thanks," he nodded and stood up to leave. "I think we are going to head out-will you be in town this weekend?"
"Just for tomorrow-I'm leaving tomorrow night to head out west. I've got some interviews I need to do."
"Safe travels. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mom."
"Bye sweetie," she said as she got up and gave Liam and Charlotte a hug.
"Thank you for letting me be here, Mr McBain," she said quietly.
"Please call me John-and I'm glad you came. I can tell you mean a lot to Liam."
"How so?" he asked, surprised at the statement.
"Because you look at her the same way I look at your mom."
Natalie sat on the living room couch, letting the peaceful quietness wash over her. Looking over at John who seemed to be doing the same she had to smile.
"What's that for?" he asked as he took a sip of his beer and leaned back into the chair. After Liam and Charlotte had left Natalie had gone to the kitchen and brought them each back a drink. They hadn't been talking-just sitting and digesting it all. Enjoying the silence between the two of them that had once been so normal.
"I was just thinking about this-trying to be patient as we wait for Liam to come around and him doing so pretty quickly. And now-we're sitting here together quietly. Had this been Carter it wouldn't have happened."
"Really?"
"Yeah, that was the biggest difference. With you, Cris and Jared if a crisis happened we went into it together as a couple. Head on, no holding back. With him-we'd go through it but it would nearly kill our relationship every time."
"What was the final crisis?" he asked, having a feeling it was Natalie that walked away and not the other man.
She stared at the bottle label for a long moment before speaking, preparing herself to tell John some of her darkest moments. "I was pregnant between Ethan and Izzy. And Carter-he just couldn't handle it-didn't want to try again or even discuss it."
John thought back to when Marty lost the baby. They hadn't been planning on getting pregnant then-and afterwards trying again was never discussed. Had it been Natalie with Liam though-he would have wanted to try again.
"That actually isn't all," she said with a sigh and placed the drink down. "I got pregnant with Izzy pretty soon afterwards-and I was so excited, but nervous-you know? The pregnancy was going normal until around the eighth month," she said as she gulped. "I found a lump."
John felt the air go out of him and moved himself to sit beside her, unsure if she would be ok with that. By instinct she fell into him. Sitting there, holding her, he thought about what his reaction would have been if Michael had called to tell him she was gone. Swallowing back tears he sighed. "I'm sorry, Natalie," he said as he held her and let her go through those emotions again-and realizing what it was that Liam meant that first day. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"No, it's ok," she said, as she moved her head to a better spot. He didn't seem to mind her against his chest so she decided to stay-admitting to herself that it felt good to be in his arms again. "I had Izzy by emergency c-section and within a week I had poison going through my veins. I'd sit there and wonder what would happen-if I wasn't strong enough to beat it."
"You are strong enough for anything, Natalie-including cancer," he said as he let himself run his hand over her hair and placed a simple kiss on her head. "When Liam came to me that first time in DC-one of the things he said was I wasn't there while he was scared he was going to be an orphan."
She sighed as she wiped a tear away from her eye, "I hate that he had to worry about that-a young child shouldn't have those thoughts running through their head."
"He wouldn't have had to if I had been here," he said to himself, hating that she went through something so big without him there.
Natalie didn't have to look at him to know what he was thinking, how she was alone with him not there. "I wasn't alone though-I had mom, and Jess, and Roxy to help me. There were even a few times that Cristian or his wife, Erin, came and sat with me," she said with a sad smile.
"And Carter?"
She shook her head, "I'd already felt us drifting apart during the pregnancy-maybe he was more scared than he let on about losing Izzy. When I got my diagnosis I decided to end it. Yes, I was scared of battling it alone, but I didn't have the energy to fight for my own life and my marriage. I made a choice-and even after everything was done and I was in remission, I never questioned that choice. Even all these years later."
Both sat there, not letting go of the other or sure what else there was to say tonight, before she finally spoke up, "If there's one thing I could do differently about that whole period was that Bo gave me the medal. I know why you gave it to him-you were telling me you wanted to come home. I really could have used you-and so could have Liam."
John wasn't sure how she wanted him to take it, through this whole journey of him getting some sort of relationship with Liam they hadn't talked about them. Rubbing her arm he decided to go for it and see what her response was, "I'm here now."
"I know," she said and he felt her relax into him more.
John let out a chuckle, she hadn't realized what he meant, "I mean it, Natalie. I'm back."
Natalie pushed off him, making him finally release his hold on her, "What does that mean?"
"It means whatever you want it to mean-but I'm here, not just to finally get to be a father to our adult son, but to be there for you in whatever capacity you'll let me."
She looked at him, realizing what he was saying, but still unsure, "How would this work? You have your life in DC-I have mine here. We can't just uproot either of them."
"You're right-we can't. But there are weekends, and texting during the week."
"John McBain texts?" she teased.
"My methods of communication have matured some over the years," he laughed back. "I've enjoyed these small moments with you-but I want more."
Natalie smiled, "All night tonight you have made everything sound so easy-how are you able to do that?"
John pushed her hair out of her face and behind her ear, "Because we don't need to complicate it with what if's or past hurts. We just need to focus on what we want and go for it. And what I want is to be in your life. You just said it a minute ago-I've wanted to be in your life since the day I gave Bo the medal."
Natalie sat there, not saying anything. She could come up with a million arguments on why this wouldn't work. But she remembered the moments in the past that she wished John had been here-not just for Liam, but for her as well. How in the hard moments she would try to imagine what he would say to help her get through it. And now-he was here, in front of her, saying that's where he wanted to be. She looked into his eyes and smiled, "I like that idea."
"Yeah," he smiled back, having gotten nervous that he was too forward. Leaning in he let his mouth touch hers, taking in her taste, and realizing that maybe some dreams weren't as gone as he'd imagined.