She stood frozen, a look of horror plastered across her face as she looked at the object in her hand. Meredith couldn't help the tears that streamed down her cheeks as she threw the pregnancy test she had just taken down onto the counter. She was pregnant, and as much as she should have been happy about it. She wasn't.

This was her 5th pregnancy, all her other ones ending in heartbreak and Meredith was tired of it. Getting her hopes up only for them to come crashing down when she would miscarry time and time again. She never wanted to try for another baby and without Derek, by her side, she never would have but they wanted a family, a baby of their own.

Frantically wiping the tears from her face she decided right then and there she was not going to tell Derek. At least not until she knew she wasn't going to lose this one too.

Slowly she left the bathroom, joining Christina in the cafeteria with a tray of food. She wasn't really hungry so she pushed it around with her fork.

Christina watched her for a moment before sighing. "Ok, what's wrong?"

Meredith sighed hesitantly for a moment. "I'm pregnant" she whispered looking up at Christina. They both shared a look.

"Ok, what are going to do?" Christina asked.

Meredith thought for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. "See if this one sticks I guess. I'm tired of pregnancies not working out Christina."

"Have you told Derek?"

"No," Meredith pushed a piece of food around before looking up at Christina. "I should, shouldn't I?"

"He is the father and if you do end up losing this one, your gonna need support." Christina said.

"I can't stand seeing the disappointment on his face when we do lose them."

"I'm sure he feels the same way Mer, seeing you depressed. We all hate it."

Deep down Meredith knew Christina was right but still she couldn't help but feel conflicted on whether to tell Derek or not just in case. She left the table dumping her tray before heading up to OBGYN, pulling Arizona aside.

"What's up?" the overly cheerful blonde asked. Making Meredith roll her eyes.

"I need an ultrasound" she whispered.

"Your pregnant again?" Arizona concluded.

Meredith sighed. "Yeah, I am." She followed Arizona into an exam room watching as she set everything up before starting. She couldn't help the sick feeling she felt, it was out of fear. Fear that once again she would lose a child.

Leaving the exam room she wandered aimlessly down the hallway, staring at the ultrasound photo of her currently healthy 6-week pregnancy in her hand. She ducked into an on-call room, taking a seat on one of the beds as tears came to her eyes.

Placing her hand onto her still flat stomach she drew in a shaky breath before speaking.

"Please, please just hold onto sweetheart" she whispered. "I promise I will try and be the best mom I can to you just please for your daddy and I hold on. I can't lose you too." She sobbed. She pulled her pager out and paged Christina just needing her best friend.

Christina entered the room a few minutes later noticing the tears streaming down Meredith's cheeks as she still stared at the picture in her hand.

"Christina," she whispered her voice still shaky. "I can't lose this baby too."

Cristina sighed knowing that each time her best friend lost a baby it took a piece of her and she hated seeing Meredith upset for any reason. She walked over taking a seat next to the blonde before gently rubbing her back.

"Jelly bean?" Christina smirked looking at the photo.

Meredith laughed lightly. "Yeah, my little jellybean. 6 weeks so far and healthy. I just hope it stays that way."

"Hey don't think like that, everything is alright so far and just focus on that. Not that what ifs or what could happen." She watched as Meredith wiped at her face again before shoving the photo into the pocket of her lab coat.

"We better get back to work before they come looking for us" Meredith sighed getting up from the bed.

Meredith arrived home after a long day, for more reasons than one. Her stomach was growling and she had to remind herself she was currently eating for two...for now she thought to herself.

She grabbed some leftovers out of the fridge and heated them up before settling herself on the couch. She knew Derek would be home soon and it would take everything in her power to not just blurt it out.

He arrived home an hour later immediately noticing Meredith curled up in a blanket watching tv. This wasn't like her and he knew it. Usually, she was cleaning or catching up on cases not being a couch potato.

"How was your day?" Meredith smiled.

Derek smiled as he walked over taking a seat next to Meredith. "Good, nobody died so I would call it a success."

Meredith laughed. "Yeah, no deaths are usually a good thing in our line of work."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, just tired and wanted to wait up for you." Derek had his suspicion that there was something she wasn't telling him but brushed it off know she would come to him in her own time, he couldn't rush her.

"Come on, let's go and take a shower and go to bed" he smiled. They headed up to the bathroom, Derek getting the water ready as Meredith slipped out of her clothes. They both stepped into the water, the hot water cascading over them both.

"Oh, this water feels amazing" Meredith moaned closing her eyes. She reached up, running her fingers through her hair and for a moment she was able to forget.

"You look beautiful" Derek murmured into her ear. She opened her eyes staring into his. She wanted him, she needed him.

"Derek," she whispered. She didn't need to say anything, her eyes said it all. He closed the sliding door letting the steam fog the glass as he fulfilled her needs right there in the shower.

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Hey guys, the story here and I hope you all enjoy it. I already have the first 6 chapters written...oops ️ warning this does deal with miscarriage (a personal topic for me) but I will say it does have a happy ending. I hope you guys enjoy and remember I love reviews!