Six months later...
I hurry through cobbled roads, the heels of my boots echoing with each step. After countless journeys to 12 Grimmauld Place, I can easily navigate my way through these London streets. I am not alone, as members of the Order descend on this quiet neighbourhood from all directions. The atmosphere tense as we near our destination, the response rapid due to Professor McGonagall's urgent summons. Grimmauld Place is lined on either side with houses, built in a style that was popular around the time of the Great Fire of London. The first and second floors overhang the pavement, the upper levels protrude so far out that they restrict the sunlight. The small windows, once murky, are now clean and transparent since Molly and her family moved in.
The permanently cold house creaks as we enter. Heading to the kitchen, the room is in chaos. Mismatched chairs, summoned from different rooms, have been placed haphazardly around the table. Everyone is chattering noisily, speculating as to why we have been called. I scan the room and notice Poppy sitting over by the hearth. I walk past the cramped table, over to the far corner of the room, sitting in an old threadbare armchair beside her. I warm my hands by the fire as I watch the last stragglers arriving and hurriedly taking their seats.
After the initial pleasantries are over, the air of the room becomes thick with unease as we silently wait for McGonagall to speak. Professor McGonagall sits at the head of the table dressed from head to toe in her family tartan. Slowly she stands and looks wearily back at the rest of us. She appears older, the stress of this war aging her prematurely as she reaches out a hand to steady herself on the table. "Good evening everyone. I will keep this meeting as brief as I can. We have been made aware that Death Eaters are planning to infiltrate Hogwarts." She pauses as a few people gasp in surprise. "In light of this grave information, we need patrols organised at Hogwarts starting immediately."
There is a wave of murmuring, then Kingsley speaks up, "But surely Hogwarts is safe from attack?"
"Until we discover how they plan to enter the castle; we need to put these measures in place. As always, the children's safety is of utmost importance."
"Where's Dumbledore?" someone calls out.
McGonagall pushes back a grey strand of hair that has escaped from her tight bun. "The Headmaster is indisposed at present but he is in agreement with me."
"If Hogwarts isn't safe then shouldn't the children be sent home?"
"Ridiculous!" Another calls out. "Hogwarts is the safest place for the children to be."
"Until we can find out exactly how they plan to do this…"
As the discussion rages I glance in Snape's direction. I cannot see his face as he is sitting with his back to me but I can imagine the expression upon it as he listens to the arguments around him. I wonder if he can feel my eyes burning into his back, but if he does he doesn't turn around to face me.
"They look sweet together don't they?" Poppy whispers, interrupting me from my thoughts of Snape. I glance over as she nods her head towards Remus and Tonks. They are sitting next to each other at the table, both seemingly engrossed with the conversation around them. I have heard rumours of a romance between them but this is the first time in months I've seen them in each other's company. As I continue to watch them Remus leans his head closely to Tonks whispering into her ear, she covers her mouth giggling quietly in response. I can feel my cheeks burning and hope Poppy assumes it is from the heat of the fire. "Did you know they were courting?" She asks me. I shake my head in response. Gracious as he is Remus and I remain friends but rightfully I wouldn't feel comfortable asking questions about his romantic life.
"Please everyone," McGonagall raises her hand for silence. "As concerning as this new information is, we must be prepared. We need volunteers."
Turning my attention from Remus I raise my hand, and speak up loudly, "I volunteer."
"Thank you," McGonagall glances at me briefly before scanning the rest of the room "who else?"
By the end of the meeting McGonagall has organised an extensive rota for our new patrol schedule. After she dismisses us, I raise slowly from my chair stretching my stiff muscles. I notice McGonagall approaching Snape, the two of them speaking quietly. I wonder how much of the Death Eaters plan Snape is privy to. I assume he was the one that informed Dumbledore that Hogwarts was the next target.
"Come on then." Poppy jumps up from her chair, a big grin on her face. "Let's go and speak to the happy couple."
Horrified at her suggestion I shake my head, "No Poppy, I don't think…"
"Remus!" she calls loudly, moving faster than a woman her age has any right to. Although most of the Order are busy with their own conversations, a few curious faces turn our way, including Snape's. His expression unreadable.
Attempting not to reveal my embarrassment, I follow Poppy. Apprehension bubbles in my stomach as Remus catches my eye, smiling warmly. The pain reflected in his eyes the night I ended things, has been replaced with a happy sparkle. His wide grin appears almost boyish. He looks more handsome and relaxed then I remember, his skin sun kissed, a smart shirt rolled carelessly at the elbows.
I stand awkwardly off to the side as Poppy excitedly quizzes him and Tonks. The two of them stand close, their arms touching, obviously comfortable in each other's presence. As they talk about a recent mission they worked on together, I recognise the look on Remus' face; he looks at her the same way he used to look at me.
Tonks looks radiant. Her hair a bright violet and an easy smile as she turns to speak to me. "How have you been; I feel like we haven't spoken properly in ages?"
"Poppy works me hard," I cringe at my dumb joke. I still get so nervous around Tonks.
"When all this madness is over, we need to have a girl's night out."
"I haven't had one of those in a long time."
"Exactly! We all could do with a chance to let our hair down and we need to find you someone as lovely as my Remus."
I glance at Remus as he smiles good naturedly at Poppy, her voice loud enough to drown out mine and Tonks conversation. When I smile back at Tonks I hope it looks genuine. "If only I could be so lucky."
"Nymphdora!" Kingsley calls from across the kitchen, he has cornered a harassed looking McGonagall and is beckoning Tonks to join them. Tonks rolls her eyes good naturedly. "Duty calls!" she squeezes Remus' hand and crosses the room to join them.
I look for Snape but he is no longer speaking to McGonagall. I scan the room and spot him making his way towards the door. Great! I was hoping Snape would wait for me so we could travel back to Hogwarts together.
Remus moves to stand beside me. "How is he?" he asks, catching the scowl on my face as I watch Snape leaving the kitchen.
Poppy has wandered over to speak to Molly leaving Remus and I alone. I consider my answer carefully, "something is bothering him, but he won't confide in me."
"Have you asked him?"
"You know what he's like. He can't be forced into anything."
"You are the only person other than Dumbledore, he can stand to be around, that must count for something." He smiles knowingly at me.
My mind goes back to the night I ended things with Remus. It had been weeks since my father's passing. I mourned his death in private and in doing so purposely created distance between myself and Remus. I had known for some time that I was never going to be able to commit to Remus in a way he deserved. My growing feelings for Snape and the mounting pressures of war had put pay to that. As much as I adored him once, I had been selfish to allow our friendship to become more than it should.
Every day I miss the easy friendship we once shared. He is a decent man and even though he has forgiven the hurt I caused him, I am acutely aware that I do not deserve it. "You look happier now than I've seen you in a long time." I smile back at him, wanting to steer the conversation away from Snape and I.
"Yes…," now he is the one to look slightly guarded.
"And so does Tonks." I nod my head in her direction. Tonks, McGonagall and Kingsley are engaged in an animated conversation but she regularly glances over to Remus and myself. I wonder if he has told Tonks about our past.
"Well, it's very early days."
I admit there's a small part of me that is slightly jealous even annoyed that Remus' romantic feelings have transferred so easily from myself to Tonks but I push those thoughts away, both of them deserve to be happy. "It's ok Remus, I'm really pleased for the both of you."
He smiles at me looking relieved, "Thank you." We lapse into a comfortable silence. Remus watching Tonks, as I watch him. "He wouldn't have gotten far. I'm sure if you leave now you can catch up to him."
I shake my head, remembering how often Snape has purposely avoided me. "I'm not sure I'm welcome anymore."
"He isn't going to turn you away."
"Maybe you're right." I don't want to admit how tempting it is to leave now, and chase after Snape. Pride be damned!
"What have you got to lose?" Remus gives me that look like he can read minds.
"You're right. Thank you Remus." I give him a small wave goodbye as I walk over to Poppy. "Poppy I'm going now," I say quickly, interrupting her and Molly's conversation.
"Oh… ok dear," she looks surprised as I move quickly past her. "Are you sure you don't want to wait for me to come with you?"
"No, it's ok." I call as I hurry out of the room. "See you back at the infirmary!"
Before I leave I check the library, a favourite hiding place for Snape and a room we have arranged to meet in many times before. The Black family library is a room of generous proportions, though badly lit, and shelved from floor to ceiling. Each shelf is packed tightly, bowing under the weight of an extensive array of books. To my disappointment the room is empty.
…
I apparate with a loud crack, arriving at the edge of the protective wards of Hogwarts grounds. The muggy air hits me, the humidity almost stifling. The rain is a drizzle at most, the droplets dampening my hair as I dash over the grass. I cannot see Snape ahead of me in the evening light, but I do spot large footprints in the wet ground.
When I enter the castle I head towards the cold, damp dungeons and spot him at the far end of a dimly lit corridor. I notice as he walks briskly that he is cradling his right arm with his left. I do not call out to him aware that my shoes have announced my presence as they click along the flagstone floor. As we near his teaching rooms he halts, but does not immediately turn around to face me. "You seem to be in the habit of following me along dark corridors."
I smirk at his back "and you are in the habit of leading me down them."
When he turns around to face me he has a slight grin on his tired face. As the dangers of this war increase Snape has chosen not to talk to me about what happens when he is called by Voldemort but the effect is obviously taking its toll.
"Why did you rush off? I thought maybe He… had summoned you."
"No, I have an important potion that needs tending to." He leans close to me casting a drying spell on my dripping hair. The smell of him comforting as he stands so close. As we stare at each other, I notice a red stain on the sleeve of his right arm. Noting my gaze Snape attempts to hide his arm again in the folds of his robes.
"You're bleeding."
"It's nothing to concern yourself with."
I reach forward, "Don't be silly Snape, let me take a look." he quickly flinches away from me but not before I catch a glimpse of the long gash that runs up his forearm.
"Please don't touch me." He looks tensely at me, hiding his arm once more under his robes.
I try to brush off my surprise at his strong reaction. "Let me help you."
"I can heal it myself."
"But I will do a much better job at it." I smile, hoping my light-hearted tone will break his bad mood.
He gives me a slow smile, "I never underestimated the persuasive powers of healing that you wield."
"You know you can trust me Snape." I think of all the times I've stripped Snape out of each item of clothing, bathed every inch of his body, and cared for him when he was at his weakest and most vulnerable.
Snape reaches out a broad hand to grasp my shoulder, the sensation burning through the layers of uniform to my skin. "I know."
"How much worse is it getting for you?"
Exasperated he lets out a sigh "We cannot speak of this now."
"No one else is here." I wave my hands dramatically around us. "All the students are in their dormitories, sleeping."
I watch a small muscle in Snape`s jaw tense. "It's late, we can discuss this another time."
"I was sorted into Slytherin for good reason, I'm curious to know what you think you need to hide from me."
"Insufferable Witch this is none of your business."
"Fine," I know I sound like a sulky teenager as I turn away from him to walk back from the corridor. "I shouldn't have bothered coming to find you. Remus was wrong, you obviously don't want me around!"
Before I can blink I find myself backed up against the cold stone of the castle wall. I close my eyes briefly trying not to focus on the feeling of Snape's body pressed against mine. He places his hands on either side of my head, effectively caging me in. When I open my eyes he is watching me with such a blazing intensity I know I cannot look away. "I noticed that you and your pet are still on friendly terms." He says in that tired, all-knowing voice of his.
"Don't call him that, Snape." I snap, not willing to let an offensive comment about Remus go this time.
"What would the lovely Nymphdora think of Lupin's continued love for you?" He spits Remus' name as though it leaves a bad taste in his mouth.
"He isn't in love with me."
"But you wish he was."
"Idiot, he isn't the one I want." In that moment, I do the only thing that feels right: I propel myself forward, pressing hard against Snape's body, and kiss him. My hungry mouth moves against his, my fingers dig harshly into his shoulders. I feel him start in surprise, anchoring himself against the wall with the unexpected force that I put behind the kiss. He lets me kiss him for mere seconds before he's pushing me away gently. He looks at me, eyes blown big and wide in the dim light. A knot forms in the pit of my stomach as I prepare myself for the rejection I know is coming.
Instead he smiles down at me, pulling me in close, letting our lips barely brush together, before he's deepening the kiss reverently. I let him control the pace as he tangles his fingers in my mess of curls, tugging to angle my head back. I gasp at the slight sting, my eyes watering. I grit my teeth against the groan building up in my throat as he leaves wet and open-mouthed kisses along the column of my neck. His other hand pulls at my blouse, untucking it from my skirt and stroking the skin of my exposed stomach with his thumb. This is bliss. I feel giddy exhilaration as his fingers dance across my skin, stoking a fire in me.
Snape trails kisses upward stopping by my ear to whisper, "I've tried so hard to protect you. I couldn't cope if you were hurt because of your association with me."
I can barely concentrate on what he's saying, his breath sending goosebumps prickling across my skin. "Is that why you've been pushing me away?" I shake my head is amusement. What a silly Wizard!
He rests his forehead against my own. "One day you might hate me for this."
"Never!" I cringe, even to my ears I sound like an indignant child.
He untangles my arms which have wound themselves tightly around his shoulders. Clasping my hands in his, the look on his face earnest, "listen, there are things I've done, that I will do…"
"God damn this war Snape; I don't want to talk about it anymore!" I desperately want to feel his lips on me again. I untangle my hands from his, grabbing the front of his robes to pull him back down to me, when suddenly I hear a shuffle of feet and a purposely-made cough. Both Snape and I turn our heads to see Poppy standing in the corridor in front of us. Faint red dots colouring her pallid cheeks and a stunned expression on her face.
Mortified I freeze. Poppy's eyes are wide as she looks between Snape and me. She must have heard my raised voice as she entered the corridor, I can't imagine how this must look to her. Thank Merlin she hadn't arrived a few minutes earlier.
"Good evening Professor Snape," she coughs awkwardly. "If you don't mind, please release my deputy so she can get back to work."
I watch Snape as his jaw tightens in annoyance but he nods and takes a step back allowing me to pass by him. I step around him quickly. As I walk towards Poppy she avoids my gaze, keeping her eyes trained on Snape. As I make my way back along the corridor I hear their voices speaking in hushed tones. I catch my name being spoken but I am too far away to hear anything else.
….
I enter the infirmary, stopping to check my reflection in the full length mirror. I'm a mess; hair in chaos, shirt untucked, lips red and swollen. I sort my appearance quickly, as I catch sight of a boy sitting on one of the beds behind me. Fixing a smile to my face, I approach the second year Gryffindor. "What has happened to you?"
He looks scared, propped up on the bed with one leg wrapped in a loose bandage. "I was sliding down the banisters of one of the moving stairways and I fell off."
"That was very foolish of you." I mutter as I examine his left leg.
"Sorry Miss." His voice is small and I'm well aware Poppy would have already given him a stern telling off. I will not add to his misery.
"It's definitely broken. The bones will take a few hours to knit together again."
"Will it hurt?" He bites his lip, his complexion pale.
"I will set it while you sleep." He looks so relieved I almost laugh. "Not all injuries are so easily healed, bear that in mind next time." Leaving him to get some rest, I pull the curtain closed around his bed and make my way over to the office.
When Poppy enters the infirmary, she is levitating at least twenty potion vials behind her. I join her in the store cupboard to help put them away. The silence floats between us, more awkward than it should be for two people who have known each other for as long as we have. When we are finished she walks around to sit at her desk, I stay standing. "Poppy are you angry with me?"
She sighs heavily, eventually looking up to meet my eye line, "I expected you to make better choices."
I feel like she's slapped me. "Whatever you think you saw…"
Poppy raises her hand to stop me talking. "I would prefer it if you didn't lie to me."
The loaded silence hangs between us.
"A student could have seen you."
"I know, I' am sorry. I'm not sure what happened."
"Are you in love with him?"
I don't answer her.
"My dear girl," her tone softens. "I have seen the way you look at him, when you think no one is looking." She raises an eyebrow at me, "and after what I just witnessed, I'm assuming the two of you have some sort of understanding?"
I shake my head. "I've never told him how I feel."
"Snape is neither blind nor an idiot. It is obvious that you love him."
I shrug hoping she will end this line of questioning.
Poppy reaches over her desk and places her hand in mine. "I still remember the first time I saw you, a scrawny first year covered in bruises after picking a fight with a third year Gryffindor. Back then you were so heavily influenced by your father's pure blood ideology, I often worried about your future. Now you are a kind, brave and clever young woman and I have grown to love you like a daughter.
"I love you too Poppy", I say with a smile as I squeeze her hand in mine.
"Just promise me you will be careful. Professor Snape is a complicated wizard."