Trigger warning for the next few chapters, as addiction and mental health are discussed.
She feels his thumb move back and forth over the shoulder of the worn t-shirt.
Like he's drawing strength.
Wonders briefly at his ability to brand her with a simple touch.
When he speaks, she feels every word radiate through her fingers.
"That night… outside the bar," he begins, "I think you made the right decision."
He lifts his head off the back of the couch, expecting her to look confused.
Finds her staring at him openly.
"Not because of what you said earlier." He clarifies.
She nods, doesn't say anything.
His frown deepens.
"I mean, given what you said, of course that made it the right decision too. I just didn't know…" he says, stumbling over each word.
Heart racing.
She smoothes her hand over the fabric of his t-shirt.
"Booth. I understand."
He nods briefly at her.
Raises his drink and takes a generous swig.
She rakes her gaze over his features before withdrawing her hand.
Recovers her own bottle from where it's been precariously wedged between them.
Takes a swig of her own.
Settles more comfortably into his side.
Relishes the slight squeeze he gives her shoulder in response.
He bites back the impulse to crack a joke and move swiftly on to a new topic.
Focuses on the warmth and familiarity of her sitting beside him.
"The erm, the place I was in back then… it wasn't good..."
He swallows hard.
Hasn't talked about this with anyone really. Not properly.
"Mentally, you know?"
He's still a little unsure at how a simple proofread of their colleague's book has lead to this.
"I was doing a lot of lying to myself before we met. I thought that I was a lot more stable than I was."
She's well aware of his past. They've skirted around certain topics relating to his childhood. To his time in the military.
The small amounts he's offered up sit in her mind like pieces of an incomplete puzzle.
She's long since reconciled with the notion that he might never be willing to talk about it.
"At the time," he continues. "I couldn't see it, but my whole life was being affected by the gambling. I was rarely home. Rarely got a decent night's sleep."
He pauses.
Clarifies.
"I mean, I don't sleep particularly well anyway, but back then it was really a next level attempt at running on empty. Bec knew about everything and she was using it against me having any time with Parker. I'd stopped working out. Started turning up to the Bureau in the previous day's clothes and doing really shoddy work when I was there. The longer it went on and the worse it all got, I just stopped thinking that anything good was left in the world. Headed straight for the bottom, you know."
She studies him closely.
Tries to gauge whether or not she should comment.
"Addiction is usually caused by poor mental health. Many studies have found that it can be a neurological response to forms of depression, or PTSD not being addressed correctly." She says cautiously.
"Oh, I know, Bones. I'm textbook. A cautionary tale of what can happen when you bury your head in the sand."
She recognizes the avoidance. Knows they won't be visiting the many things that lead to his gambling addition.
At her ill-concealed look, he offers up a small half smile.
"Trust me, Bones. We'll be here all week if I start on that."
Wide eyed, she watches him drain the end of his beer.
"If you want to talk about it," she says, the slight waver to her voice betraying the level of calm she was hoping to offer. "I can stay. For as long as you need me to."
It's her tone that catches him off guard.
The sentiment in her words is predictable. Quintessentially her.
The emotion creeping into them punches him squarely in his chest.
"Not now." He says, shaking his head.
He can hear something close to disappointment in her murmured acceptance.
Realises that she thinks he's saying that he doesn't want to discuss it with her.
"Bones?" He says, giving her shoulder another squeeze and waiting for her to make eye contact again. "I promise I'll talk to you if I need to. But this isn't about that stuff."
At her confused look, he adds:
"It's not about the things that had already happened to put me in that place. It's the fact that I was in that place when we met."
She nods her understanding, and he sighs deeply.
Relief.
Preparation.
"Look, I think I'd got to the point where I thought I could blag my way from one day to the next. I thought that I had such a good read on everyone around me that I could get away with things by turning on the charm. I was doing a really great job of fooling myself into thinking that everything was fine. But the reality was that nobody around me was being fooled. I wasn't interested in being on the receiving end of anybody's pity, but I knew I wasn't happy. I was devastated that I couldn't see Parker, and I blamed Bec for ultimately doing the right thing. Everything was falling apart and I was stuck in this... this pit of avoidance."
She watches him. Tries to consolidate these words with the man she'd met all that time ago. He'd been impatient and quick to suggest cutting corners, but she'd put those things down to him being typical FBI. The charm had been… well, genuinely charming… but well received, and the flirtation had hardly been one-sided.
Less solid and together than she'd thought, he'd been a version of himself. A stepping stone on the way to becoming the man he was today.
Frowning, he continues thickly.
"Some of the things I've seen… it… you know, it makes you question humanity. Makes you question your faith in it."
In the silence that follows, he studies her. Watches her taking in his words. Processing them.
"I'm familiar with the feeling." She admits. "I find that compartmentalizing helps, to an extent."
"Only goes so far though, right?" He counters.
There's a flicker as she watches him watch her.
Lifts her beer to her lips.
Drains the bottle, and uses the excuse of leaning forward to place it on the coffee table to break their eye contact.
Dislodging his arm… breaking the overwhelming contact of him.
She feels seen.
She remains paused, awkwardly perched near the front of the seat.
One deep breath.
A second.
Unsure if I should be changing the rating to an M now, for some of the topics they're discussing… if anyone thinks I should, then please don't hesitate to let me know.
The next chapter will follow on directly from this. I was having a bit of trouble with CH4 running away from me, much akin to a monster set free, so have chosen to break it down into more manageable sized chapters.
Again, thanks for reading! Reviews are always well received.