"Where's your ring?"
She visibly froze at his question, and he internally wanted to smack his stupid blabbering mouth. It's bad enough that his tongue is faster than his brain sometimes, but now that he's sporting a hangover, it seems like his already feeble self-control is nonexistent right now. Gah, he's such an idiot.
"Oh, uhm…" She trailed off, thousands of thoughts going through her mind cause while it's a conscious effort that she removed her engagement ring last night, it doesn't mean that she's gone through the healing process all the way. Truth be told, she's just at the beginning, and removing her ring is just the first step.
Sensing her inner turmoil, Barry wanted to apologize. He wasn't intrusive and he won't start now even if his heart is just begging to know everything about her the moment he knew they're soulmates. But it wasn't that easy. "Cait-"
She cut him off as she cleared her throat, dropping her hand from the doorknob as she subconsciously caressed it with her other hand. "Let's have breakfast first, shall we?" She smiled timidly at him, closing the door further.
"Yes, of course. But I…can I take a shower first?" He asked, scratching the back of his neck as he looked away. He was suddenly being reminded that he's only wearing his boxers at the moment. She only nodded her head and proceeded to close the door.
He looked around for a while, trying to recalibrate his brain with the current situation and the events from yesterday.
Yesterday…huh.
Yesterday, he just met his soulmate. The soulmate he's been curious about since he was seven. The soulmate that he's begging to meet since eleven. The soulmate he's been dreaming of since he was sixteen. And now, the moment he's been waiting for finally happened. So, where are the rainbows and fireworks, and the excitement that always accompanied his dream? What's with all these dark clouds and rainstorms raining down on his heart?
He subconsciously grasped the sheets below him. His eyes fleeting to where she was just lying beside him earlier. Has she been with him the whole night? Is she the constant warmth he took shelter in 'til the daybreak?
The thoughts were teasing his heart, coaxing him to smile, for once after they met, she was with him. But in reality, she isn't. So, he couldn't. He couldn't smile knowing that his soulmate, isn't his. And with that thought in mind, he went to take a shower.
After all, he needed to wash the rain off drenching his already soaked heart.
He took his time dressing. His brain readying his thoughts for what was to come. What is he expecting really? She must've just forgotten to wear her ring due to the eventful night they had. It's not like something would just miraculously happen overnight.
When he went to meet her on the dining table, he schooled his features. He won't give her the burden of worrying about him.
"I ordered room service if you don't mind." She's already sitting at the opposite side of the table, still wearing his shirt and he can't help the beat of his heart from skipping. Subconsciously, a smile crept up his face, dark clouds and rainstorms suddenly halting. What was she doing to him? Just her presence alone is enough to make him forget all the thoughts earlier.
"Pancakes?"
"Yes." She extended her hand and gestured to the other seat. "Take a seat."
As soon as he sat, he could already smell the aroma from the pancakes. "Oh, wow." Does she know that this is his favorite? His smile widened; his palms rubbing together as he subconsciously licked his lips. When he finally took a bite, his eyes bulged. These pancakes are almost as good as his moms, and that's saying something. Nothing can ever come close to his mom's cooking in his opinion.
"Good?" She asked, observing him from the opposite side of the table.
"Dish-ur-derishush." He abruptly said with his mouth full. "Sorry. These are delicious." He cleared his throat, sheepishly looked at her in apology. Then, he suddenly felt that he couldn't move. His heart constricting because…because she's smiling. Is that-is she giggling? Oh, damn. So that's what it sounds like when angels laugh? Heavens, he couldn't get enough of it.
He must've been staring at her for a while because she stopped smiling. Ugh, look at what you've done, you fool.
She fidgets with her fork, teeth biting her lower lip. "What?"
"Nothing…" He turned away, cheeks reddening. He knew he needed to give her a concrete answer though, so he cleared his throat and mustered up the courage to say, "It's just, I notice you don't smile too much."
His words reverberated through her being. She knew that if there's a perfect timing for her to tell him about her past, this is it. It's just a matter of whether she'll take the chance or not. She takes a deep breath.
Moving on.
Moving forward.
One step at a time.
"Nine months ago, one of the biggest projects at work failed. There was an accident onsite, and that accident put my boss in a wheelchair for life." She breathed in one go, afraid that is she stopped, she wouldn't have enough courage to continue. Her eyes shifted to him from where she was blankly staring at the table, bracing herself, she spoke, "And…and it also took the life of my fiancé."
Barry's eyes widened. He wasn't expecting that, and surely, it wasn't something he wished for anyone to experience. He studied her eyes and all the emotions hidden in there. He saw pain, guilt, and longingness. While some people might think that this is the answer to his aching heart, to reassure him that her soulmate is meant to be his, it doesn't feel like it.
Instead, he feels her pain. He feels the intense need to comfort her, to protect her from the grief, the agony. He takes a bold move and holds her hand, cradling it in both of his. She seemed surprised, but she didn't seem repulsed at the action. Her hand is so smooth, soft, but a little cold. And he hopes his warmth is enough for the both of them.
He squeezed her hand gently, "I'm so sorry to hear that."
"It's alright." She breathed, then, surprising them both, she put her other hand on top of his. Her eyes followed her movement, studying their joined hands as she subconsciously soothed the skin of his hands with her fingers. "He was the head engineer of that project, and when he realized that there was something wrong, he didn't hesitate to take matters into his own hands." She paused, her eyes meeting his once again. "Many people don't know this, but he died a hero that day."
Her eyes welled as she looked away, but never did she make a move to retract her hands from his much to his relief. He couldn't stand seeing her in pain like that, so he did what his heart is telling him to do. He gently pried away one of his hands from hers, standing up as he reached her side.
"Come here." He spoke ever so softly, afraid that she might push him away like she did yesterday. He tentatively placed his free hand on her back, and when she didn't seem to pull away from him, he gathered her in a side hug.
"Is this okay?" He asked, hand comfortingly moving up and down her back.
"Yes."
That was the last word she spoke before she's lunging at him. Her arms going around his shoulders as she buried her face in his chest. She didn't know what came over her, but all she knew was that she needed this.
Ever since that dreadful day when the rescuers declared that her fiancé's body was irretrievable, she didn't let herself cry. She didn't even shed a tear at the closed-casket funeral for him. She kept holding on to the hope that maybe, he's still out there. Maybe, he made it out alive. But it has been nine months. Nine months and nothing came up.
And it was what took her to finally realize and accept that he isn't coming back.
She needed to stop hoping. She needed to stop holding on to the nonexistent possibility. She needed to stop pretending that her fiancé will come back as long as she doesn't remove the ring that binds him to her.
She needed…wanted to stop. But then what? She barely made it out alive when her father died, and her mother abandoned her. And now, Ronnie? She just couldn't take it anymore. She just can't.
Until now.
Until she met Barry.
Her soulmate.
"Shh, shh, it's okay. I've got you." His voice was like the light at the end of the tunnel, guiding her out of the darkness she was drowning in. Many people have tried, Dr. Wells, Cisco, Felicity, others, but all of them have failed. For nine months, they tried their best to help her move on, and it's not that they couldn't have helped her. It's just she didn't want to be helped. She wasn't ready to face the truth yet, but then, Barry.
She just met him when? Yesterday? And look at her now, sobbing like a child with skinned knees. And what's funny is that they didn't even know each other. He didn't even know that she's living in hell for the last nine months. But just one touch, one glance, one word and she's found a safe heaven in him. A place that she didn't know existed anymore.
"Let it all out." He whispered, his heart aching for and with her. It doesn't matter that what's causing her pain is another man. Another man that isn't him, her soulmate, but he just doesn't care. All he wants is to take her pain away, share this burden with her as long as she lets him.
He made a bold move to lift her up. He knew the heaviness of her body won't help her one bit, so he took her to the living room, sitting her down on the couch with him. He put her in between his legs, strong arms going around her as he cocooned her in his warmth. He hopes that she can feel his comfort through his embrace.
"I-I didn't want him…I didn't want him to b-be a h-hero that day…I…I just-just…wanted him to be my h-husband…" She sobbed, and he didn't hesitate to drop a kiss on top of her head. She needed all the comfort she could get.
Slowly, she moved her head from his chest, looking up at him when bloodshot eyes. His heart constricts once again, and he just held her tighter. "Was it w-wrong of me…am I…am I selfish for thinking t-that way?"
"It's alright, Cait. It's alright." He cooed, letting her continue.
"B-but I guess…it was the right thing to do…and Ronnie…Ronnie knew that." She slowly nodded, as if she's convincing herself to believe what she's saying. "He...he's always been a good person. I knew that…I-I loved him for that…" Her voice is just a whisper now as her head slowly went back to rest on his chest. "I just wished that…he…he didn't leave me…" She paused for a moment, closing her eyes as the last of her tears fell. She took a deep breath, and for the first time since he held her, he felt like he could breathe easy again. "But I know that if given the chance, he…he'd do all over again. H-he's selfless like that…"
By this time, she probably said everything that she's bottled up for nine months. Heck, she probably said things that she didn't even acknowledge to exist within her thoughts. She suddenly feels…lighter, like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. Despite the headache that came from crying too much, so suddenly, she feels rested. She had faced her demons and has made peace with her past all in one go, and while it left her physically exhausted, she felt emotionally and mentally renewed.
She wasn't even aware that she had her eyes closed for a long time now. And her body feels like it's in a cocoon of warmth and comfort, almost lulling her to sleep. But as she opened her eyes, she felt, rather than see, that Barry's arms are around her. No, his whole body envelops her and…when did they leave the dining table? How did they end up together in the couch?
"I'm sorry." She immediately wiped her tears, moving her body from where it found home on top of his. Heat rose up her cheeks at their current position, it's just so…intimate to say the least, but truth be told, she doesn't feel bothered. No, not at all.
"I-I didn't mean to." She tried to put some distance between them but her body, oh her treacherous body, won't let her. He just…he feels so warm, so warm that the cold inside of her sizzles from where their bodies touched.
"No, no, it's okay." He moved a little backwards, so he can face her properly. His fingers tucking the loose curls of her hair behind her ear as his thumb made sure that there are no tears left unwiped. He knew he might be crossing some boundaries here, but the fact that she didn't even flinch, she didn't even shy away from his touch made his confidence blow up ten more times. Gah, he could never get tired of this. This is just the first time he held her like this, and he already wishes that this won't end.
When they seem comfortable enough with each other's presence, without the haze of emotional outbursts and sudden comfort and affection, Barry was just glad that she let them stay where they were. His arms almost circling her body still, although not as tight as he once did, and his legs are still on either side of hers, not too close, not too far.
He could just stay like this forever, but he knew he needed to let her know that he listened. And he understood. "For what it's worth, add me to the number of people who knew that he was a hero that day." He caressed her reddened cheek with on one hand, making sure that she sees the sincerity in his eyes. "Thank you for sharing this with me." Suddenly, his body jerked forward, like it has a mind of its own. Later, he would realize that this is their soulmate's bond doing, but right now he couldn't help his lips from placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
At the contact, he feels warmth blossoming throughout his body, but at the same time, he's nervous. What were you doing, Barry? You couldn't just take advantage of her like that! His rationality screamed at him. But when he pulled away, seeing the littlest movement of her lips and the subtle blush on her cheeks, ha, rationality be damned.
Caitlin just sat there frozen. Frozen, but never cold. Huh, what strange thought. She's been cold and unfeeling for the last nine months, but now? Her body feels foreign to the cold. How is that possible? And did she just-did she just blush?!
His words sank into her mind. She wasn't entirely sure about what she might have said during her emotional breakdown, but hearing those words from him, it made her heart lighter.
"T-thank you, Barry." She cleared her throat, her voice still rough from all that crying. "I…I didn't want to be unfair to you. You deserve to know." And that's the truth, he deserved to know. But when did she find the courage to tell him? How is it that yesterday, the thought of having a soulmate repulsed her to that point that she literally kicked him out to right now, where the intimacy between them didn't seem to bother her?
"Don't worry about it, okay?" He replied, one hand now taking one of hers. He just can't help it. He feels like he needs to be always touching her. He found out that she's addictive like that.
"Thank you." While she's constantly surprised at how things escalated between them, and the boldness of his movements as he touched her, she actually…didn't mind. Taking up the courage for herself, she gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "And I'm sorry again." She looked at him apologetically, hoping he'll get what she means to say.
"Cait, you don't have to keep on apologizing, okay? I understand."
Cait.
When did he start calling her like that? Why didn't she notice? Most importantly, why didn't she call him out for it? Why didn't she snap at him and tell him that her dad and Ronnie were the only people she allowed to call her that?
She shakes her head. She'll have to deal with it some other time. What happened today's just too much already.
"No, I-uh, I'm sorry for yesterday."
"Oh." Acknowledgement dawned on his features. Honestly, after the events today, he felt like yesterday was a long time ago. "It's okay, I-"
"No, it's not." She interrupted; voice slightly higher than she intended it to be. "I was rude to you, and I literally kicked you out of the hotel." She exclaimed, trying to emphasize her point. She doesn't know him yet, but she can already see that he's too good for his own sake sometimes. "I know it wasn't anyone's fault that we ended up sharing this hotel room, but a lot of things happened yesterday, and I…I just didn't know how to handle it. My emotions are all over the place it's frustrating and I-I guess…I took it out on you. It was wrong of me. I'm sorry."
She rambled, shifting her body on the couch as her hands gestured wildly in front of him. Why is she so nervous? She never even babbled this way whenever she needs to present in front of vey important people in her career. As she finished her speech, he just looked at him. His expression unreadable.
"Are you mad?" She tilted her head to the side, gauging his reaction. When he didn't answer, an apology is ready to spill from her mouth. "Then, I'm-"
"You're so cute when ramble." He whispered, looking at her in trance.
She suddenly feels self-conscious, tucking a hair behind in her ear as an immediate response. Gah, she hasn't felt this way since high school. What has he done to her? "Oh…uhm, thanks?"
Upon hearing her words, his eyes widened. "Damn, did I say that out loud?" He asked, eyes looking everywhere but hers as he scratched the back of his neck.
"You kind of did." Once again, she graced him with a smile and he almost fainted. He composed himself, clearing his throat as he spoke, "Anyways…don't worry about me. I'm not mad or anything." Then, he looked at her sincerely, "I'm sorry, too, for last night. I…I'm never one to drown myself in alcohol like that."
Upon hearing his words, she was transported back to the events that happened last night; the ones that she didn't tell him earlier.
"You know, my parents are soulmates. T-they told me…what soulmates are when I was-I was eleven."
He suddenly spoke as they were walking back to the hotel. Well, to the bystanders seeing them, it's more of her, dragging a drunkard to walk straight as she supported him by draping his one arm over her shoulder and her free arm going around his waist.
"I didn't-didn't know what soulmates are yet, but…but th-they sound amazing, you know?" He hiccuped. "I mean, how cool is that…t-to know that there's someone-someone out there-just…made for you. And my parent said that when you meet your soulmate it's gonna be…BOOM! Like fireworks and rainbows all at once! And…and who doesn't like fireworks-fireworks and rainbows, right?" His voice was loud, and his actions exaggerated that it's making it hard for her to keep them both upright. Suddenly, he stopped, and slumped heavier on her. "I…I know who…my soulmate-my soulmate didn't want me."
With those words, she stopped as well. His voice is full of pain, echoing hers after knowing that her fiancé is never gonna come back. The guilt she felt grew tenfold, and it's only now that it dawned upon her the consequences of her actions. She treated him indifferently the moment she knew that he is her soulmate. She's fully aware that neither of them had a choice for what's destiny had in store for them, but at that time, she didn't even want to believe in destiny anymore, so she took out her frustration to the next best thing, him. And oh, how wrong is she for doing that.
She should've known that not everyone is like her. She should've remembered that for some people, meeting their soulmates is a huge once in a lifetime moment for them. But she was selfish. She only cared about her pain, she didn't…she didn't even think about how her rejection might affect him and look at them now. She knew she's the only one to blame for this.
"She's…she's engaged…and maybe that's because I wasn't good looking…or didn't have the muscles…or whatever it is that her fiancé has." She didn't need to look up to see that his eyes are they same. They're in agony all because of her. "But I want to be happy for her…of course I want to! If she found her rainbows and fireworks with him, then I'll be super happy!" He tried to sound optimistic, and he could've fooled her if she isn't already an expert at masking her own emotions. "As for me, I guess I'll never have what my parents have…and that's that all I ever wanted ever since-"
She's a little thankful that he didn't finish his words. Because even though she practically rejected him, she can't help but feel for him. She wanted him to experience meeting his soulmate under different circumstances, the one where there'd be rainbows and fireworks just as he said. She wanted him to have a soulmate who's not broken and unfeeling as her. Ugh, he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve her. He deserves better, much, much better.
"Miss? I…I don't feel so good."
"Barry-"
"Cait?"
She was brought out of her reverie when he spoke. The feel of her hand still in his grounds her to the present.
"Barry, I-" She started, looking hesitantly at him. She knew she needed to apologize, but what then? She hasn't figured out yet where they'll go from here or if they will ever start in the first place.
Sensing her inner turmoil, he spoke, "Hey, we don't have to do this right now, okay?" He squeezed her hand once more, giving her an encouraging smile. "I understand, Cait."
He didn't need to say anything aside from that. And she didn't even have to explain either, and right now, this is exactly what she needs. How did he figure her out that easily, she may never truly understand.
"Thank you."
She whispered, just as their eyes met meaningfully. And despite all the thoughts swirling on her mind, there's only one that's loud and clear.
She's so lucky to have him.
AN: Many of you has been messaging me about this fic, so here you go. Can't believe that it's more than three years since I last updated this story, but I guess I'm still figuring out how this story will go at some point. Now that I've made up my mind about the storyline, I'm hoping to update as much as I can. For now, hope you enjoy this one.
-A