PROLOGUE- Seven Years Ago
Downtown, Zootopia
I sat there waiting; streams of tears were running down my cheeks. I was hoping that he would come back, that he would hug me, that he would tell me he was sorry, and that he loved me. But instead, I was left alone.
Curling my tail around myself for comfort, I cried as I huddled into a ball. My ears laid flat against my head, unwilling to move, unable to listen for any pawsteps outside.
The room slowly grew cold as I sat there, waiting, and waiting. I began to shake, feeling a sense of unease and numbness. The bitter cold was not to blame for this; it was not the chill of winter, but rather the coldness of heartbreak.
An argument was all it took, at first we argued about Nick's con-fox ways. But that had quickly led to shouting and an abrupt end to our relationship. The moment Nick walked out that door, I felt my heart being ripped from my chest; he was a part of my life, and without him, I didn't know what to do.
How long has it been since he left? An hour? A minute? I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I was still sitting, and waiting. The shock of him leaving brought thoughts into my mind, ugly horrible thoughts filling the emptiness he left. 'He won't come back. He doesn't even care'
'You're nothing to him, just a vixen he would play around with until you stopped being interesting'
'He ruined you for other tods, he broke his mating oath'
'Face it, he's just going find another vixen, and leave you alone'
"No, not alone" I whispered to myself, wiping away the tears. I gazed at the little growing bump on my belly and rubbed my paw against it. It had been a week since I found out about it, and tonight was going to be the night, the night I would tell Nick the news.
'I should have told him sooner, and then maybe...maybe he would have stayed. But would he? No, even if he did, it wouldn't have been for me. I would have been nothing more than a burden' I shook my head, trying to clear my head from these thoughts. I gave off a whimper for no one to hear but myself.
"At least I still have you. You won't leave me, will you?" I felt a small kick as if it was agreeing with me. "We don't need him. We have each other, right?" I felt another kick in agreement.
Tears began to stream down my muzzle again. I looked out the apartment window into the dark blue night sky. "Why?" I asked the stars, hoping that someone would answer. "Why?"
Present Day- One year after the Night Howler Case.
Downtown, Zootopia
Carefully, I walked out of the kitchen, holding a vanilla cake in both paws. Seven years had passed since Nathan entered my life, and each day with my son slowly filled that hole in my heart, the hole that selfishly Nick tore.
I hated him for what he did to me, the pain he put me through. I don't know if I have it within my heart to ever forgive him...that is if he ever came crawling back.
Shaking myself away from my thoughts, I looked at my son and couldn't help but smile. The cute little kit was already seven, but he would always be my precious baby. Although he took after Nick as a Red fox and a painful reminder, I still loved every bit of him. From his bright cheerful smile to his scarlet red fur, but the best part of him was his eyes; they were a deep sapphire blue, and already brimming with curiosity, love and innocence.
Although you'd commonly find blue eyes among Arctic foxes such as myself, and very young red fox kits, it was a rare thing to see on a kit who passed the age of one. And I couldn't help but think of all the future vixens that would go crazy over his eyes.
Nathan was sitting with his group of friends by the table, who were all predators barring one prey. The sight of them all smiling and happy around my boy lightened my heart. Most mammals still looked down at foxes, but the world accepted us more than it used to. I sensed my mind drifting back on the familiar road to the memories of the harsh society my brother Paul and I had grown up in. 'No' I thought, shaking the depressing thought aside. 'That's the past. Leave it.'
"Who wants cake?" I called out, giving off a toothy smile.
"I do! I do!" squealed Nathan and his friends, in their adorable excited little voices. With tails wagging, ears high and attentive or just wide-eyed excitement, they stared at me expectedly.
I placed the cake on the table, as I reached for a matchbox from my pocket. Striking a match, I lit the seven candles for my son's seventh birthday. "Happy Birthday Nathan! Make a wish," I said, as I blew out the match.
He took a moment to think of what he wanted. 'I wonder what toys or gizmo he'll ask this time' I thought, curious as to what he wanted. When he had made his mind, it came out in a low whisper – but I heard it, and it sent a strange sick feeling through me.
"I wish that dad was here" he whispered, he then blew out all the candles.
While Nathan and his friends were busy talking, playing and eating cake, I signalled my brother into the cramped mess of an apartment kitchen.
"I'm going to assume that you heard it too?" he asked, giving off a dejected look.
I nodded slowly, the look of panic stapled on my face. Worrying thoughts began to occupy my head. 'What am I going to do?' I felt my body starting to curl up and tense. My tail wrapped itself around my legs, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.
Suddenly, two paws grabbed my shoulders in a firm grip, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Look Sis, take a deep breath and calm down okay?" instructed Paul.
I closed my eyes, took a breath and concentrated; I felt my chest rise and fall, with the air flowing through my lungs, my unsteady nerves came back under control.
"Better?" he asked.
I calmly nodded my head again as I felt him lift his paws from my shoulders. "Look Sis, I uh…" he mumbled, as he stared at the floor, fidgeting with his paws.
I took a serious look at him, studying his body language. His ears were lowered back, along with his tail curled around his legs; it was a clear sign of submission and fear.
He took a deep breath before continuing, looking up from the floor, staring at me with a look of uncertainty. "Look, I won't lie to you. But, I've been thinking that maybe… maybe it's for the best to tell Nathan the truth."
I looked at him, shocked at what he'd just said. I felt my blood starting to boil, my muscles tightened, and my eyes beginning to burn. "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!" I shrieked "YOU CAN'T TELL HIM!"
Paul seemed taken aback by my sudden change in behaviour; he glanced back to the living room with a blank look on his face. I was going to continue telling him what I thought about his idiotic suggestion when I noticed how quiet the living room was.
I was horrified when I realised what I had just done, I held my breath as I hoped that the kits would just ignore it. Silence...that was until someone started yelling, and with that, the living room returned to a mess of noise. I let out a sigh of relief, thankful that I avoided an embarrassing situation with the children.
I returned my attention to my brother, who also seemed to be relieved. "Okay, what did you mean by 'tell him the truth'?" I asked, taking care to keep myself calm.
"Well..." he mumbled, rubbing his head sheepishly. "I think if we told him the truth...or at least let him know about Nick. That way, if something ever happened to us...he'd know that there was someone who'd take care of him" he replied.
"Besides..." he continued, not giving me a chance to voice my thoughts "Nathan's a smart kit, tell him a bit of the truth, then in a couple of years he'll figure out the whole thing, the excuses, the fake birthday cards... it'll be...easier for him if he knows now" he explained.
I kept myself silent, not sure how to respond.
"Okay, I understand that it's a lot to ask, but his curiosity for Nick will only grow. I'm not asking you to instantly break the news to Nathan, just…" he paused, before removing his glasses to rub his eyes. "The choice is yours Sis" With that he walked back towards to living room.
After the party, everyone had said their goodbyes and left, leaving us three to our own devices. The day was nearing an end, with the sun fading and city life beginning to die down. Neighbouring apartments began to flick on their lights, adding to the sea of blue and yellow in the darkness of the night.
We lived in the hub of the city, Downtown. It had benefits like being closer to the shops, the park, the school, the hospital, and even the police department. Sure it was a pretty rundown flat with horrible mould here and there, and rent that was difficult for two foxes to pay off. But at least it was safe; it is where Nathan would be safe. And I was willing to do everything to keep him that way.
As I sat down in the lounge, I thought to myself 'What am I going to do? I can't ignore Nathan forever. What am I going to do?'
After some thinking, I noticed Nathan looking at me anxiously. He didn't say anything, but his big blue eyes asked, 'Mom?'
I sighed, as much as I hated my brother for even suggesting it, he was right. Nathan couldn't live his entire life without at least knowing where he came from. I got up from the couch and made my way to my room, beckoning him after me. "Nathan sweetie, come here. I have something to show you."
Guiding him through the small hallway, I noticed how excited he was. Ears flicking here and there, along with his small red tail swishing back and forth, my heart melted at the sight.
Stepping into the room, I lifted my son with both paws; he was a bit heavier than I remembered, but I could still carry him as if he was still a newborn. I placed him on the side of my bed, as I rummaged through my bedside table, shifting scraps of paper everywhere. I was trying to find my scrapbook, obviously one of the memories not so cherished as they used to be.
"Mom, what are you looking for?" he asked, tilting his head in curiosity.
"Hush dear...Now, where is it?" I muttered, returning my efforts to the search.
A small worn-out blue book caught my eye. "There," I whispered. I called it a scrapbook, though it was more of a purse-sized one, with each page just big enough for one photograph. Flipping through the familiar worn pages, I searched past the paged memories of my childhood and rather empty teenage years, I was looking for a particular picture that I had tucked away years ago. Part of me wondered if I might have thrown it away, and my stomach tightened at the idea until I had turned that crucial page. "Here it is!" I exclaimed out loud in relief.
Putting the book aside, I grabbed the picture and sat next to Nathan.
Looking at the picture of… of our visit to Wild Times, I recognised the neatly written words 'Nick and Me'. It was there Nick told me he loved me more than anything in the world. For a moment I smiled as I thought back to that day, along with the 'magical' night which followed. It was that night which caused seven weeks of doctor visits, frequent vomiting… and finally the wonderful, crazy kit next to me on the bed.
Then my stomach twisted. Nick had disappeared before I even told him, before the doctor or anything else. His promise of eternal love, and everything that came with it… it was all a lie.
I held the picture away from Nathan for a moment, despite his craning to see it. Was it the right choice? To expose him to the Tod who never knew of his existence? The fox who hustled his friends for a living? I closed my eyes and thought hard on the decision, hearing my brother's words repeat in my head. 'The choice is yours' and he was right, the choice was mine to make...and I choose my son.
I showed Nathan the picture. "Here's a picture, of… of me and your father," I revealed, fearful at the future repercussions that my decision would cause. Nathan's eyes gleamed and his ears perked up as he scanned the picture with almost cheerful interest.
"Nick and Me," he stated, as he read the words out loud. Then he stared at me with a face filled with curiosity and awe. "Dad's name is Nick?"
I smiled at Nathan. "Well, his actual name is Nicholas, but he prefers Nick for short. Now, I know how you've always wondered what your Father looked like, and so I thought I'd show you." I handed him the picture on an impulse, suddenly afraid to hold onto it. "You...you can keep it." Nathan had the look of excitement on his face. This was the first time that he'd gotten anything relating to his father. Everything that had anything to do with Nick I kept carefully hidden; hidden and away from him until today.
Nathan was in full concentration, inspecting and analysing every detail in the photo. "He's Red, like me," he declared, stating the obvious.
I laughed at his little observation and began to pat his little head. Gently combing his fur with my claws, I noticed how unkempt it was. Letting out a sigh, I picked up my son and placed him in my lap, as I started grooming his fur with my tongue and teeth, pulling any tangles in his fur.
"Mom" he mumbled, squirming around trying to escape my grasp.
"Hold still honey" I replied, giving him a good clean behind his ear.
A moment of silent grooming passed. "Why doesn't Dad ever come home?" he looked at me with his eyes, those gleaming blue eyes full of trust and innocence. I couldn't possibly tell him the truth; it would break his little heart.
"Well, Nathan, your father…" I struggled to find the words. "Your father…" I gave myself a moment to think about what to say before continuing.
"Your father is a very busy mammal, his job keeps him very busy so he doesn't have any time off." Nathan just sat there thinking, it was as if he was contemplating whether my words held any truth.
I was a bit dumbfounded at what I just said. In my heart, I felt that I had betrayed the trust between a mother and her kit. I had lied to him, and now I felt uncomfortable and broken; torn apart between guilt for the lie and responsibility as a mother to protect him, to protect him from the truth.
Nathan's eyes suddenly lit up, with his ears perked upwards with eagerness and his bushy red tail wagging in excitement. I had seen that look before. It was the look of trouble.
"Where does Dad work?" he chirped.
"Work? Where does Nick work? I thought to myself, I thought back to a year prior.
One year ago. Six Months after the Night Howler case.
Savannah Central, Zootopia
"Nathan sweetie, stay close to mommy," I told Nathan as he gripped my paw. We walked towards the station exit as crowds of various mammals made their journey to and from Zootopia. I held his paw tightly, anxious about getting separated in the mass of mammals.
We stopped and stood outside the station, basking in the warm sunlight that shined upon the city while the familiar hum of city life greeted us. Taking a deep breath I took in the suns warmth, as I gave my tail a shake, loosening any bits of dirt or white strands of fur among the sea of growing Greyish-Brown. My summer coat was growing along nicely, shedding away the white of winter; I glanced down at my son, who was also beginning to grow out of his extra winter fluff.
To mammals unfamiliar with foxes, they might think that we had mange, I remembered the times when Kit protection services knocked on my door...another memory best to be forgotten. I buried the thought away.
"It's great to be back, isn't it Paul?" I asked my brother. We had left the city earlier due to the increasing prejudice and incidents of savage mammals around. For weeks it hadn't been safe to be around both prey and predators.
"Paul?" I asked, unsure as to why he didn't answer. I turned around, only to see him dragging our luggage towards us. He stopped next to us, scratching his neck. "Remind me again, why I have to carry all the luggage?" he asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Because I have to look after Nathan," I teased him as I lifted my baby tod, hugging him tightly.
"Mom," he protested letting off a giggle.
"Right... that," Paul mumbled, looking around Savannah Central.
I focused my attention on my son. "Alright sweetie, we're back home. Where should we go to celebrate?" I asked.
He answered without hesitation. "The ice cream shop!" he yelped in an excited tone, with his tail wagging in eagerness, and ears perked up high.
I laughed at my son's excitement. "Alright, ice cream it is," I chuckled, hugging him tighter, nuzzling his neck, and taking in his familiar scent.
"Uh, Sis..." I heard Paul beckon as he tapped me on the shoulder.
"Hmm? What?" I replied in confusion as I turned to stare at what Paul was looking at. He pointed towards a Rabbit and a Red fox of all mammals, in dark blue police uniforms.
Upon staring at the fox, my heart stopped for a second. It was Nick. After six years of separation, there he was, smiling his usual sly foxy smile.
"From hustler to a cop, what a way to go," my brother whispered into my ear.
Instead of replying, I was struggling to breathe. Each breath was heavy and difficult to draw, making it quite difficult to focus on anything. Panic began to set, as I remembered that Nathan was with me. 'Nathan...my sweet precious baby, I can't let Nick see him, I won't let him take my boy away, I won't be alone again'
"Mom?" asked Nathan in a concerned tone, his ears laid flat in a cautious state.
Instead of answering, I held him tightly in my arms, moving quickly away from Nick. 'He can't find out, he can't know'
Present Day
I was a bit hesitant to answer. From what Paul told me, Nick had become the first fox cop in Zootopia. Still, the guilt of one lie was so fresh that I couldn't do it again, this small truth wouldn't cause too much trouble, would it?
"Well, Nick's a Police officer, so I guess he works at the Zootopia Police Department." I answered, giving off a smile.
I turn my head, looking over at my bedside alarm clock. With a start, I realised it was already past his bedtime. 'Perfect.'
"Oh, it's getting late, time for bed now!"
"But Mom!" he pleaded, giving off a tiny whimper.
"No buts," I insisted, hoping to fend off any more questions. "Bed, now."
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