Hate You Third Most

I got this idea: what if Cartman's mom and Clyde's dad started dating, forcing the two to hang out more? I thought it would be hilarious, so that's why this exists. The characters are 17 years old in this, it's in first person in Clyde's POV (and occasionally Cartman's), and there is some sex and drinking in this. Other than that, hope you enjoy!

Also, if you're wondering about the title, according to leaks and info about The Fractured But Whole, Cartman has a list of people he hates. Apparently, Clyde is third on that list (after Kyle and Cartman's mom.)

Chapter 1 – Third on the Hate List

I thought I was a pretty good kid. I did my homework and my chores. I tried to get along with others the best I could. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, and over the years I've gotten thinner, and I feel like I've gotten smarter. So why was this happening to me? Why was my dad driving me over to Eric Cartman's house? Why was he so silent and refusing to answer my questions? What was going on?!

"Dad, will you please just tell me what's going on?" I begged, "Why are we going to Cartman's house? I don't even like Cartman!"

"I told you that you'll find out when we get there," my dad answered. There was a bit of irritation in his voice. I had asked a lot, but then again, he wouldn't answer me, or give me more than a vague answer.

Annoyed, I slouched in my seat, fuming silently to myself. It didn't take us long to get to Cartman's house, but then again, it didn't take long to get anywhere in South Park. My dad parked the car, and we got out. I felt apprehensive as we approached the house.

My dad knocked on the door, and I was annoyed when Eric was the one who answered it. He didn't seem to notice my dad and looked right at me.

"What are you doing here, Clyde?" he asked in a hostile voice.

"I don't know," I snarled, "Ask my dad!"

"Now Clyde, be nice," my dad warned me, "Eric, may we come in?"

"No," Cartman sneered. He started to close the door.

"Eric! Let them in!" I heard Liane call from inside the house. Cartman groaned in protest, but did as he was told.

Eric Cartman had not changed much since we were kids. He was just as fat as ever, but the only reason he seemed thinner was because he grew into his weight. He was quite tall, even taller than me. I'm pretty sure the only reason he hadn't put on much more weight was because his girlfriend, Heidi, encouraged him.

My dad walked over to Liane and gave her a smile. He turned to me. "Clyde, why don't you take a seat on the couch?"

I looked over to where Cartman was already sitting. He glared at me in a way that told me he would bite me if I tried to sit next to him. I looked at my dad.

"I don't want to," I said honestly. My dad sighed.

"Sit down," he ordered. I did as he was told, sitting as far away from Cartman as I could.

My dad and Liane stood in front of us, and I was horrified to see that they had an arm around each other's waists. They were smiling brightly.

"Clyde, Eric," Liane started, "We have something we want to share with you."

"Oh God, what's happening?" Cartman asked, his voice shaking slightly.

"For the past several months, Roger and I have been seeing each other," Liane continued. I could feel my heart sinking. I dreaded where this was going. "And we thought it was time to let you two know…"

"That we're engaged to be married!" my dad finished dramatically.

"What?!" I exclaimed, shocked and horrified. I heard a thud beside me and looked to see that Cartman had fainted. Gasping, Liane quickly ran over to him.

"Sweetie? Are you okay?" she asked desperately. Cartman started to stir a little.

"Ugh, mom, I just had a horrible nightmare," he mumbled, "I dreamed that you and Clyde's dad were getting married."

"That wasn't a dream!" his mother giggled, "That actually happened!"

Cartman stared wide-eyed at her. "No," he whispered, "No, this isn't real! I'm dreaming! Tell me I'm dreaming!"

I myself was in shock. I knew my dad had been lonely since my mother died, and he had started dating again. But I had no idea he was dating Cartman's mom! How could this happen? I looked at my dad in shock, but no words came to me.

"We'll leave you two alone for a minute," my dad said, "Get comfortable and all that. Come, Liane." I watched in horror as my dad looped an arm around Liane's waist and led her into the kitchen.

As soon as they were gone, I felt fat hands around my throat, and I was tackled to the floor. Cartman had his knees on my chest, and his hands on my throat. He was glaring down at me, and I couldn't breathe at all.

"This is all your fault!" he growled at me, "If you hadn't killed your mom seven years ago, your dad wouldn't be miserable and desperate enough to date my mom! Now they're going to get married, and we're going to be…" he paused to shudder, "brothers."

I would have replied, but my airways were being completely blocked at the moment. Probably had something to do with the fat guy sitting on my chest. I was struggling to breathe and I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn't even push him off of me.

Thankfully, though, Eric decided to take pity on me and got off. I gratefully took in huge gulps of air. Cartman watched me as I quickly crawled to my knees, breathing heavily.

"What the fuck, man?" I muttered. I glared at him. "I didn't mean for my mother to die! How dare you bring that up, you fat asshole!"

Cartman scoffed at me. "Whatever," he said, "If they really go through with this, I will make your life a living hell."

"What is wrong with you?" I hissed at him, "Why do you live to torment me?"

"I don't live to torment you," he contradicted, "I live to torment Kyle. I just really hate you. Anyway, you'd better stay out of my way." He gave me a harsh shove then got up and walked off.

I was not looking forward to the rest of life.

I would continue this chapter, but I mostly wanted to introduce the concept of the story before getting into anything. Next chapter we'll have everyone else. Hope you enjoy this so far!