James Potter had never really dreamed of being a professional musician, let alone a famous one. Sure, he'd loved music long before he ever got around to learning how to make it- the early childhood piano classes his mother tried to get him to take probably didn't count. He'd talked to his teachers and flashed his chubby-cheeked-kid smile and soon enough the lesson was over and he hadn't touched the keys. James was not opposed to the piano, but he decided it wasn't worth the effort it would take to become good at it. James was plenty good at a number of things, like charming adults and making things blow up in the kitchen with Sirius, so he didn't see the appeal of difficult things.
While he did eventually pick up a guitar and struggle through learning the finger placements, chord progressions, and strum patterns, forming the band was easy. Mainly because he was out of it on painkillers when it happened, but when he recovered enough for his mother to stop hovering over him to join up with the lads, and usually Lily, everything just seemed to fall into place.
Lily called it a band but really they were just jamming together. They'd all play, he'd scribble down some words and then sing. Lily and Peter played diabolically savage chess in the background. Sometimes when they got frustrated they'd play covers, which inevitably turned into a group karaoke. Regardless of Lily's earlier teasing, Sirius' rendition of "Wonderwall" was a work of art. Peter always requested "Uptown Funk." Lily and Remus liked to sing Carly Rae Jepsen together, which became surprisingly elaborate with Remus putting down his air-saxophone to strut around the room waving his arms like a flight attendant with Lily as they cut to the feeling.
It was another activity to facilitate hanging out, like video games or Netflix marathons, until they got bored of playing the handful of songs they had written over and over again to themselves.
Then Lily suggested they play for other people.
Though an unlikely tag team, Lily and Sirius had scored them a weekly gig at a pub a town over. The first few shows had been rough, to say the least. Sirius had too much nervous energy and lost a drumstick mid-chorus and James flubbed the lyrics whenever he had to concentrate too hard on what he was playing. Remus played well throughout the show, but when they finally stepped off the small stage 20 minutes later, his face had gone white and they'd had to catch him before he fell on his face. Lily and Pete had been the only patrons that paid them much mind, hollering and clapping during all the song breaks.
Over a couple months they'd improved in performance as well as in confidence. Audience appreciation swelled beyond just Pete and Lily. James had been convinced the manager was going to give them the boot so he was pleased they had at least begun to earn their keep.
Sirius and Lily had started showing up to practices with notes and agendas to discuss 'possibilities and opportunities.' Apparently they were meeting independently for 'business discussions.' One day Sirius had called him to request a ride home for him and Lily from the library where they had just discussed something that had left pleased expressions on their faces. It had worried him until after the next show the bar manager had given them a small cash stipend.
They spent it all on drinks and chips at the same bar. Remus then pointed out that it made the stipend a moot point, and also that the place down the street did a much better fry.
Momentum was slow but felt fast. Their weekly gig led to shows at other bars and clubs nearby. Pete and Lily threw some videos and audiophiles up on the internet. People started bringing their friends. Someone's friend of a friend came to one of their shows with a camera nicer than the one on Lily's old phone, and the video all of a sudden got a lot more traction than everything else.
James joked that the success was because you could finally see his good looks in high resolution. Lily pursed her lips and then started rattling off a bunch of things to do with traction and impressions and webs of something or other.
"Don't try to outsmart my looks, Lils," he teased.
"Someone's got to be the brains of the operation," she said.
"You're just jealous of all the girls in the comments talking about that part where James used his shirt to wipe sweat off his face," Sirius called.
James laughed at the sour look that settled on Lily's face.
"I'll get you sweaty," she muttered.
"Not in front of the children!" Sirius cried.
They couldn't afford to record a demo - or the band couldn't. James had an embarrassing amount of money set aside for him when he turned 25, but his parents wouldn't let him touch it. They had some code of honor that dictated he needed to make his way on his own. That "his own way" included being coddled and spoiled throughout his upbringing didn't seem to count. They were supportive enough from the beginning, but the moment they realized he was getting serious, they told him they'd give him any support they could, but wouldn't bankroll the operation. If they made it easy for him at the start, they said, he wouldn't keep going when it inevitably got hard.
This was all very noble, but since Sirius was barely speaking to his family and Remus had scrimped and saved just to buy his bass, they were in a tight spot. Lily and Pete didn't play, but they were as much a part as the rest of them. Pete was able to offer practice space, but Lily's only spending money came from what she saved in bus fare by making James drive her everywhere, minus the bills she would quietly leave in her seat to contribute to his petrol tab. (He ended up using them to buy her snacks.)
All this being said, after their first taste of somewhat viral attention, they gave serious thought to how to raise enough to record a proper EP. They tossed up the idea of producing something themselves, but Lily scoffed at the idea.
"We'd need to buy or rent equipment anyway," she pointed out, "And who's going to learn how to do it? How long is it going to take us to go from knowing what all the knobs and buttons mean to actually being able to do a good job of it."
"I don't know, you and James seem to be learning a lot about knobs and buttons lately," said Sirius.
Before his girlfriend could decapitate his best friend, James quickly and louded nixed the idea of self-producing and firmly moved the discussion forward.
Their growing success with local gigs and the tease of warmer breezes in the air led them to the idea of a summer tour. The perfect mix of practicality and fantasy. They could play more nights by traveling. If they could get other pubs and small clubs across the country to let them play and pay them, they could save it all together and grow their base at the same time.
Then began the excruciating process of researching and cold calling. They sat in a circle in James' basement on a spare afternoon or at Pete's after practice and called and emailed and laughed at who got the rudest responses (Lily, unfortunately, though she served it back tenfold) and who had the poshest phone voice (Sirius, much to his chagrin and their amusement)
Lily had made a large, colorful calendar that she laid out in the middle of their circle along with a map of Great Britain she'd had printed on A0 paper. It all seemed very intimidating, they didn't even know how far they'd end up going. But slowly the map and calendar filled with scribbled notes and gigs and it felt like the world was spread out in front of them.
If they budgeted everything right, they wouldn't even make that much from the tour. The EP, and much of the cost of touring itself, would depend on them saving up money from odd jobs they took during the term. Remus spent a few nights at Tesco, Lily and, shockingly enough, Sirius took on some babysitting gigs, and Pete and James were busboys at the pub where they played. It wasn't glamorous, but it felt meaningful. They were a team with a goal and the purpose felt intoxicating.
"She needs a name."
"Why is she a she?" Pete asked.
"Like a ship, she's a lady," Sirius clarified.
"She's got a mysterious stain on the upholstery of the back seat." Lily slammed the passenger door shut and walked around to where they were observing the vessel.
"I've got a blanket we can put over it." said Remus.
"Out of sight, out of mind." James was too excited to worry about shoddy upholstery. The van ran, and it could fit their equipment. It could almost fit all of them comfortably as well. Either way it was theirs for the next two months.
The van became necessary once they set the schedule for touring that summer. They spent a warm afternoon hoovering the interior within an inch of its life and Sirius did some sort of half-arsed blessing or cleansing that actually made the inside smell a bit nicer. Lily added some glitter dice to the rearview mirror and filled the glove compartment with deodorant and air freshener. Remus brought an old atlas "for when their SatNav was on the fritz," and extra blankets and soft things for the inevitable nights they'd sleep during the trip to the next town. And then there it was, their home for the next couple months. They had some nights at cheap hotels or hostels along the way, but this dodgy van would be their home.
Which, apparently, meant it needed a name.
"Shelia," said Sirius.
"You had that ready," remarked Remus.
"It's representative of your Australian roots," he explained.
Remus rolled his eyes in response.
"Eve," said Lily.
"That was also quick," said James.
"All About Eve… Forbidden fruit, I don't know. I think it works well for an enigmatic dame."
"CEEEEEEELIA, YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART, STOP SHAKING MY CONFIDENCE BABAAAYY!"
Lily turned to James for a translation. "Patron Saint of Music."
Now
He'd forgotten that Lily would already have an idea of what traveling on a tour bus with them would be like. For the lads, the once expansive vehicle had become dingy and cramped as they settled in more and more. It wasn't uncommon for one or more of them to rent a room off-schedule at a hotel if there was a night they didn't need to be on the road. When Lily didn't balk when she boarded the bus and made her way back to claim a bunk, he remembered that the last time she'd joined them they'd been on a Gumtree RV and a rotation schedule for who had to sleep on the one bed and who had to squish onto the seating in the front. His parents now used it to go on cross country adventures to escape their 'empty nest.' Cece, the old dame with her bench seats, hadn't made it past the first summer.
She moved down the aisle with her backpack hanging from one shoulder, her suitcase was underneath the bus with everyone else's as well as some equipment. Since she was joining them in the middle of tour, she would've had to take what'd been Peter's bunk, but when she got down the aisle she placed her bag in the empty bunk under his, the bunk that, up until this morning at least, had belonged to Sirius. He didn't know if his best mate was trying to start something or just save Lily from any residual smell of Peter's night sweat, but was ultimately grateful she had a bottom bunk. He knew from experience that Lily rolled around while she slept. Experience that he didn't need to be thinking about right now, shouldn't be thinking about right now.
"So, doors open in a couple hours, people trickle in, then come all at once - you know how it is," he blathered, "Do you know how to use the card machine?"
"I can figure it out," she said evenly.
"I can show you, it's different than before…" he tapered off. "Or, erm, one of the guys could probably show you too…"
"I'll ask if I need anything."
He was paranoid to read any double meanings into her words, right? Even if there weren't, he was anxious. His hair had been standing straight up from all the times he'd run his hand through it in the days since he'd called her. Remus had taken some pity on him and told him to pat it down before she'd arrived.
"Frank will be glad to see you," he went on. "He ran the booth for the show Pete ditched and wouldn't stop complaining that it wasn't in his job description."
Back when Lily had been their de-facto tour manager, everything had been her job. Unless, of course, she had delegated it to one of them with that calm but stern expression she'd mastered. Touring had become more hectic the more they grew, but at least they now had more hands on deck. His mind couldn't help but fixate on the comparisons. Her hair was darker, as well as her clothes. She'd have so much more free time this tour, which could mean a more relaxing experience... or possibly less fulfilling; Lily loved having her fingers in all the pots.
Of course, the biggest difference was the distance between them, still uncrossed even though she was in the same room as him for the first time in years, but he didn't want to think about that. He'd rather notice how the leather jacket and the pale jumper she wore under it reminded him of both Sirius and Remus.
"I think I'm gonna take a nap," she said, drawing him out of his thoughts.
"Alright, I'll tell the boys to stay off the bus for a bit."
"I'm tired." Her words were flat, but firm. He felt her hard gaze follow him as he walked to the front and exited the bus.
He paused in front of the closed bus door. Alright, time to NOT panic. He ought to make a list of how to process all of the things running through his head. He should be better at this, handling emotions. He wasn't a kid anymore, he wasn't in love with her anymore. But he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel like he'd been dragged back in time. Not even to the last time he'd seen her, talked to her, but to before. Before the band, before they'd been together. And besides the naivety of youth, those two experiences were the roots of who he was today. Suddenly he was weightless, nothing to ground him, remind him who he was.
But it'd been years, he reminded himself, shouldn't he be past this uncertainty? He had a career, he had stability - financial if not geographical - he still talked to his parents regularly, didn't that put him cuts above everyone else his age? Hadn't that soul-aching imbalance been what had led to the end of him and Lily? Then the guilt that was never too shy to rear its head reminded him that maybe he'd been lying to himself. He was just as lost as everyone else. One look into the empty gaze of the girl he used to know better than anyone and all his walls and fronts crumbled before him. His truth and vulnerabilities reflected back at him in her glassy eyes.
He shook his head. He needed to escape this spiral of thoughts, and get off the sidewalk. He was going to be late for soundcheck if he kept dawdling in front of the bus.
Then
In the midst of all the excitement of building a dream and going after it, James was falling in love. So much of his feelings seemed to be caught up in the music and the band and the tour, all of which Lily was a part of, but his life was syncopated with the quiet moments they stole together.
They went out enough with the lads for gigs, so they mostly holed up together at James'. They rarely ever went to Lily's house. He'd met her prickly sister a few times and had sat through an awkward dinner with the family after they'd formally started dating. Mary and Sirius frequently corrected them, separately, since her party the two had kept a polite distance, that Lily and James had in fact been dating for months now, and if they'd only just begun snogging well that was their loss. Granted, they definitely did their best to make up for lost time.
Still, James most enjoyed it when they were soft and quiet with each other. James would sit with his guitar strumming through the songs they'd play at gigs and the new ideas that never seemed to stop coming. He often played things over and over again to catch the right hook that teased at the edges of his mind, but she listened with her head against his back, resting in the space left behind when he hunched over his instrument. She said she liked to feel the rumble of his voice when it vibrated through his chest. He liked to think that she was listening for the same snippets of melody hiding somewhere inside him.
The band was growing. They had more fans and were getting good enough to deserve them. Still, there would always be a night when something wasn't working; no one showed, they were off, soundcheck had been rushed and the mics were giving feedback. She was the only way he got through.
She didn't stand up front. Much too tacky, she said. Her spot was the barstool closest to the stage. Far enough back as to be separate from those who showed up for the music. Close enough he could see her grin through the dim lighting. He played best when he performed just for her; hers was the opinion he most cared about. She never let him think he was perfect, and would join Remus in musical critiques just as often as she would defend him from them. But he could tune a chord to her smile, find the resonance in her laughter, and thanked the stars everyday that he was able to justify these fuzzy sentiments as lyrics.
The van had one front bench for the driver and passenger and two rows of seats in the back. The last one was put down to make room for their equipment and bags so usually the gang split 3-2 front and back. The groupings varied depending on the time of day, who was driving, and who was in charge of the playlist. The unspoken rule, however, was that if James and Lily were sitting together, they got the whole bench.
Seatbelts long abandoned, Lily was sitting sideways on James' lap with her back against the window. He was wearing an old jumper with the hood up to hide his face as he brought it down to Lily's. The effort, of course, was in vain.
Pete was rifling through the angrier selections on Sirius' phone - leftovers from when he still lived with his parents and had to play something to drown them out. Pete was stuck in the middle of Remus, who was driving, and Sirius, who had relinquished control of the music to Pete after quickly losing interest in playing Careless Whisper on repeat - his intended audience was oblivious to his humour. The faint smacking sounds and low moans that came through during lulls between verses drove Pete to further increase the volume and Remus to roll down the windows.
"Shhhh," said James, after Lily yelped at his well placed pinch.
She giggled. "I don't know how much that's gonna help"
"Not at all," answered Sirius.
"Sod off," James tossed back, paying him no mind. How did they expect him to pass the time anyway? To sit sedately while Lily was warm and pressed against him and blushing everytime he not-so-accidentally grazed her breast whenever they were jostled by the road? He groaned as Lily nipped his lip.
"YOUR MUM IS CALLING."
Lily froze.
"Of course she is." James rolled his eyes, unconvinced. But before he could recapture Lily's attention-
"Listen here Jamie I've got somewhere for your little music group to play," she said through the phone speaker.
The pair of them nearly butted heads with how quickly they jumped apart. Lily even slid over and buckled herself into the far seat on the bench.
"Hi, Mia," she said in an out-of-breath voice.
"Lily, darling, is my son there? Or have you incapacitated him?"
"Er…" Her cheeks went from rosey to crimson.
"Hi, Mum!" James said too loudly. Pete had switched off the angst track and the only other sound besides his bellow was the lads' poorly suppressed laughter. Whether or not Mia had clued in to the situation, she didn't bother acknowledging it.
"Your cousin is getting married."
"I...don't have any cousins?"
"Well your father's cousin's grandnephew is getting married."
"Oh...okay then."
"The important part is that they're close enough to call in a favour but not enough to get the favour gratis."
"So…"
"I told Elphias that you and the boys could play at your cousin Elroy's wedding this weekend."
"This weekend?" Lily and Sirius exchanged glances. "We're due for a gig on Saturday night."
"Yes I saw on the lovely spreadsheet you sent me, Dear. But that's why it's perfect, the reception is in the afternoon so you should have plenty of time to your next recital-"
"-It's not called a recital, Mum!"
"To drive to the music hall."
"Mum Potter, what are our chances of getting out of this?" Sirius asked succinctly.
"None, darling, I've sorted the whole thing with Elphias, Mr. Doge - you really should keep better track of your email, I sent it over 20 minutes ago before I had my tea and rang you up- he'll be expecting you to check in with him soon about the playlist."
"Alright then, not to worry, we'll check out this Dodgy fellow and I promise not to steal the bride." Sirius winked at Lily at that last part, she rolled her eyes.
Remus rolled out his shoulders with his hands still on the wheel. "Do I need to change our destination right now?"
"Just pull over in the next town, we can stop for some food and figure out what the plan is,' Lily decided.
"Wonderful!" Mia said from the other end of the line, "Mind you're eating well, Jamie dear, and do stop pouting. I can hardly imagine Lily thinks it's very attractive."
"Mum," he said tersely as the lads chuckled at his expense.
Lily leant back over the seat between them to plant a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "You're right, Mia, I need to start looking for some fitter replacements for this cranky-puss, this wedding is perfect."
This time his mum joined in the laughter, but James could see Lily's lips were still swollen from his kisses even as she smirked at him, so he couldn't stay bothered very long.
They stopped in a village off the next roundabout and after carefully maneouvering the van into a parking space, they settled into a gastropub to make a game plan.
"I think we can still get out of it," said Peter.
The group paused momentarily to scrutinize his sanity before they continued. James' mother was not one any of them wanted, or could, go up against.
"I think this presents us with a wonderful opportunity," Sirius began.
"So do I. Get some money, get some performance experience in a different..." Remus started.
"Mia's email doesn't have a fee listed so James, I'm gonna need you to remember everything you can about this Doge, am I allowed to hardball him? Do we take what he offers calmly in remembrance for his being Great Aunt Eustance's best friend in childhood?" Lily was already all business.
"Lils, I've literally never heard of the man."
"I'm gonna send him an email asking for more specifics on the venue, see if there's someone Remus and I can talk to about sound…"
"We can try on a completely new persona, cultivate our look, our brand," Sirius continued.
"We aren't a Wedding Band," insisted James.
"We are on Saturday," Lily pointed out.
"The wedding isn't what concerns me, it's Sirius at a Wedding." She looked up at James, who was giving Sirius a knowing look of suspicion. There was a story there, and she made a note to bother James for it later.
"You can't hardball an old man." Pete was scandalized.
Lily gave him a sly look. "Posh old Englishmen aren't normal old men, they come from a long line of pillaging lands or at the very least being rude to the housekeeper."
Sirius gave a nod and grunt in agreement.
"Regardless, they're asking us to go out of our way last minute, we deserve a good fee."
On cue, an alert sounded on the phone. She smiled and delicately picked it up, as if looking forward to a good negotiation.
"Caught yourself a viper, James," said Sirius, earning him a glare before Lily looked back at her phone.
James smiled, "A lioness."
Lily's laugh regained his attention. "What is it?" She showed him the phone screen.
His eyes widened and he removed his glasses to peer in closer. Remus took the phone and laughed to himself before showing it to the other lads.
"See, turns out he's a very generous fellow after all," said Peter.
"No," she giggled, "It means Mia played hardball first."
"And won." James' mother may have been wary of their ambitions, but she wasn't going to let them make a half assed attempt.
"Does this mean we can stop having crisp packets for breakfast?" Peter inquired.
"Pete, this means that lunch is on one Mssr. Elphias Doge!" Sirius exclaimed, gesturing to the server.
Now
The first set of the show went as well as ever. After so many performances there was a rote quality to the act. Whenever a new song fell into that place it was bittersweet. They no longer had to worry about messing it up, but also, for James, the emotion that had created the song fell away. At once it could no longer torment him nor give him catharsis. On the flipside, old songs had the habit of falling back into the front of his feeling without warning, old chords and words suddenly new and strange and demanding.
In their second set they came across a throwback number and he was hit by his second wave of deja vu that day. This time, fortunately, it didn't stop him in his tracks. Unfortunately, his fingers became leaden on the guitar strings and the words wooden in his mouth as he was pulled back to the early gigs when Lily was the only one in the bar listening. Now, there were hundreds of eyes on him all blended together behind the glare of the stage lights. But still, he could feel her watching. She might've stayed in the lobby, or even gone back to the green room before the last rush of sales after the show. But she was there, he knew it.
The next song, to his relief, was off the new album. But the reprieve was brief - he realized that she would have never seen this song live before. What did she think of it? Did she even know it? Did she listen to their music anymore? He didn't think she'd come to one of their shows since… Someone would have recognized her. He would have known, he was sure of that.
His performance was as clunky as the one before and only somewhat improved for the rest of the set. At least he wasn't caught off guard again.
"What's got your panties in a twist?" asked Sirius.
"You know well enough what it is so don't be a pest about it," Remus answered for him.
"Thanks-"
"You did play like shit," he said, "I get it, but this has to be the last of that."
"Excuse me-"
"James, I'm well aware I'm the voice of reason in this otherwise emotional wreck of a band, but if this is gonna work, and right now we need it to, you need to get over it."
"I'm fine," James insisted.
"Sure," he said, and walked towards the green room. "Hopefully you stop lying to yourself and get it together before we're booed off the stage."
Lily wouldn't be there now, obviously. She'd be busy with people making purchases on their way out. He was thankful for the time to recalibrate before seeing her again.
As much as he hated to agree with Remus, he was right. James was all twisted inside. How was he supposed to cohabitate a tour bus with four other people, let alone Lily, if he was being an emotional yoyo?
They packed up quickly after the show - it was a driving night and the earlier their start the more of a chance they would have time to get some real food when they got to the next stop. They had a fridge and microwave on the bus, and whatever the club left for them in the green room, but there was nothing like enjoying a good curry without having to worry about smelling the dirty take-away boxes while you went to sleep five feet to the side. With that in mind, James made sure to take the trash out before they set off.
"Cleaning up for the girl, huh?" Sirius ribbed. He was already tucked into his bunk, eye mask reading "beauty sleep" pushed up on his forehead.
"I don't fancy sleeping in a cloud of your lunch," James clarified.
"Of course." Sirius snorted before pulling down his satin mask and turning away from him.
Remus walked by on his way to the small bathroom on board, pulling Sirius' curtain closed. Sirius grunted his thanks.
"His highness is in a tizzy."
"It's probably the smell."
"Well, at least he has an excuse."
"Yeah, ex-girlfriends hardly rank against sleeping in the bunk next to Pete's after a taco run." Lily entered the bus.
James braced for the impact of seeing her up close again.
She slid past the boys and reached into the bag on her bunk. "Here."
James blinked and then accepted the travel-size bottle of air freshener she offered him.
"This isn't my first rodeo."
Sirius' head popped out from behind his curtain, "Gimme."
James spritzed once in his area, then tossed it to Sirius, who popped out of his bunk into the passageway and began to liberally douse the entire bunk.
Remus emerged from the bathroom in time to get a spritz in the face. "Blefghh," he sputtered.
"Fuck, I'm sorry." Sirius fussed around Remus, unsure of what to do. Lily reached back into her bag and retrieved a water bottle. Sirius grabbed at it and poured some water into Remus' hand.
Once he recovered, Remus smiled gratefully up at Lily. "Glad to have someone else to help wrangle the lads."
"Yeah, Cherry's always got something in the bottomless bag of hers."
Lily looked at Sirius in confusion. James himself couldn't figure out if the comment and reference was meant to be a compliment. Sirius didn't seem to have an answer either, his eyes had widened in surprise. But after another stalled moment without a snarky remark from either party, the situation became ridiculous.
Remus was the first one to start laughing. Lily and Sirius stayed locked in each other's gaze as if waiting for the other to pounce. Finally, they broke, shared good-natured smiles, and everyone turned back to their own business. James was pleased until he caught Remus giving him an odd look, and only then did he realize he was wearing an ear-splitting grin.
Then
Sirius swanned over from the back of the shop and handed everyone a colourful dress shirt before beelining for the fitting rooms.
They all inspected their assigned garments, even Lily, who called out to question Sirius.
"I did not know you'd decided the band aesthetic was 'David Bowie's boot sale.'"
"That," Sirius poked his head out of the stall, "is brilliant."
The lads filed into the remaining stalls. James gestured to Lily to take the last one, but she shook her head and slipped the over-large shirt over her head. It came down to her mid-thigh, covering not only the shirt she wore into the shop, but the worn out jean shorts she's paired with them.
"Wow, how original," she declared when she examined the shirt in the floor length mirror on the wall next to the fitting room stalls. She looked up at James for his reaction. "Really? Giant pink and orange lilies do it for you?"
"Erm," he managed, trying and failing not to look at where the garish fabric grazed the tops of her thighs.
"You realize I'm wearing more clothes than I was when we walked in, yeah?" she asked, not even trying to hold back a smirk. Turning back to her reflection she mused, "I look like a psychedelic version of Risky Business."
On cue, Remus slid out of his stall to join Lily at the mirror. His shirt had bright pinstripes and a large retro collar. "I don't hate it."
"Of course you don't, I'm audacious, not tasteless," Sirius said from behind the curtain.
"Tad too trite if you ask me," said Lily.
"Lillian, I couldn't resist."
The humour drained from her voice."That's not my name."
She removed the shirt and made to walk off and look for something more suitable to wear. James reached for her hand. She squeezed his before it fell from her grasp as she passed him.
James quickly changed and joined Pete, who had finally emerged. He was wearing a light blue shirt with pirate-like ruffles about the neck and sleeves. James immediately preferred it to his own shirt, which was covered in lime green diamonds. Remus had changed and joined Lily in the racks, but Sirius was still admiring his visage. He'd picked a glittery, purple number for himself, which suited him more than the other selections fit anyone else.
"All I'm saying is you should consider it," he said.
James looked at Pete. "Wanna swap?" His friend nodded enthusiastically.
Lily had one arm full of light colored dresses and used the other to load up Remus' with various sports jackets. "If you pair them well it almost becomes a look instead of another one of Sirius' whims."
"Yessssss," Sirius hissed from across the shop. "Our first Look."
"For weddings only," Lily insisted, "If this is your main image I'm dropping you lot and signing on with the headliner from the next gig."
"You'd leave me over a shirt?" James asked jokingly.
"Nothing personal, love. It's just business."
"Business strategies aside," Remus interrupted, "We still need to finish the set list."
"Did you see the list they emailed over?"
"Yeah, I figure we can learn the chords and wing it for a lot of those old lovey numbers." There were also few popular songs that they had pieced together for fun back when they were starting to play together.
"And I've got most of the lyrics already," added James, "It'll be a regular Mum Potter knitting session."
The knitting was a scheme that Mrs. Potter had started when James had turned 13. She decreed that they reserve an evening a week when they would sit together and gab over cups of tea while knitting misshapen scarves and baby blankets. Mother-son bonding plus a way to ensure his neck would never be cold. Later on she insisted that the knitting would improve his dexterity and, by extension, his guitar playing.
She'd inherited the tradition and the old records from James' grandmother. She and James' grandmother had gotten to know each other over tea, knitting, and gossip after his dad had first brought her home. They listened to the old love songs that had serenaded his grandparents during their own courtship. Young James and Older Euphemia listened to the records on a machine of Fleamont's from his old uni days.
James had never met any of his grandparents, and as much as he would complain about having to sit quietly, he liked the idea of sharing something with his grandmother, being connected by music across time.
He'd given the lyrics a once over while sitting in the back of the van and they'd come flooding back. Wedding setlist sorted.
They passed the little chapel where the ceremony would take place on their way to Mr. Doges family home, where an outdoor tent would be set up and where the temporary stage for the band had been constructed. The weather was ridiculously perfect, sunny in a way England rarely was, but temperate in a way that the country had forgotten to be for most of the past few summers. Lily was driving as the lads went over chord progressions that they had copied from the internet onto pages torn from James' notebook. Remus, the best musician among them, had transposed some of the more complicated birds into easier keys, which meant that James had been singing under his breath all morning, convinced that his voice would crack if he didn't check the range in all the new arrangements. Sirius had his own special way of notating his drum beats, and Remus was visibly holding in his objection, since Sirius had matter of factly told him he wasn't particularly inclined to write them down at all and would much prefer to "feel it out."
While Remus and Sirius went nose to nose over their artistic differences, James kept getting distracted by Lily. Not in the "teen boy caught up in the effervescent beauty of Lily Evans" way like he usually was, but because she was humming quietly to herself. Not quietly enough however, as to not interfere with James' nervous run-throughs.
He bent forward from his seat behind the driver's, bringing his head parallel to Lily's.
"Lil."
"James Fleamont."
"Don't call me that." He flinched at her use of his full name. "Wait, how do you know that?"
She smirked. "It's what Mia called you in her emails to Elphias. Apparently James is a family name? She didn't want him to confuse you for, say, James Trickelbank?" James bristled.
"My own mother...betrayed me…"
"I think it's quite handy knowledge," Lily continued, unable to resist teasing him, "I wouldn't want to accidentally sneak off during the speeches with a James Beauregard."
"You wouldn't." As if to prove his point he put a wet kiss on her neck, his arms circling around the seat to touch her waist.
"We can even rename the band...Fleamont and the Mountain Flys…..Fleamont and the Marauding Fleas."
"Why the bugs?"
"Well I know you like animals in band names."
"You minx." Intent on revenge, he grazed his hand up her torso to caress-
"JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER I WILL CRASH THIS CAR."
The boys were startled, glancing between Lily's reddened face and James' victorious smirk. He laughed and sat back in his own seat.
Now
James woke up all of a sudden to the darkness of his bunk. The steady rumble of the bus in motion was gone, meaning they'd likely reached their next stop. For a moment he considered not checking his phone for the time and slipping back into sleep, but the last wisps of his dream threatened him with something at once cloying and anxious, so he resigned to wakefulness.
After checking the time and the Google calendar Frank had them all added to, he calculated he had a glorious two hours to sort himself for the day before a string of meetings. They weren't playing until tomorrow, but that didn't always translate into a day off. He texted his mum that they'd arrived and then threw himself off his bunk. He landed with a loud thunk.
"For fuckssake, James!" came a voice behind a curtain.
Well, if he wondered when his interactions with Lily would stop being so awkward, the answer was not yet.
"Just like old times," Sirius commented as he rolled out from the bathroom, hair twisted up in a towel.
"Really, are you on my side or hers?"
"Remus'," he answered matter-of-factly, "and we agreed that things, namely you, are much more fun yet manageable when she's around."
"I, er, don't know what you mean by that? I thought the two of you didn't get on." He hedged, looking back and forth between Sirius and Lily's bunk.
Sirius thought about this for a moment. "I don't know if we do, but now I don't worry about her stealing you away from me."
"I definitely don't know what that means but I do know you're full of shit."
He shrugged, then walked past James towards the front of the bus where the kitchenette was.
James was very over having so many confusing emotions thrown in his face, and especially did not appreciate them first thing in the morning so he took his time in the tiny but serviceable bathroom onboard. It wasn't sustainable to be caught on an emotional rollercoaster. When he was satisfied that he didn't smell horrible and his hair would contain itself at least until they got to their hotel rooms that night with a real shower he went to join everyone up front.
He was met with an empty bus. There were some spare crumbs on the counter, a discarded romance novel on the table, signs that people had been here very recently but had disappeared.
His phone buzzed. Me and Red are getting coffee.
Well, looks like Sirius had found his answer when it came to Lily. If he could do it, James was running out of excuses.
It buzzed again. Tea?
Yeah, thanks mate, he replied.
Then
They pulled up behind a large white tent in the middle of a not-quite muddy field. The boys had already changed into their thrifted get up, but Lily made them switch back into their old trainers for the load in.
Sirius leapt from the van, immediately slipped, and in an astonishing maneuver, caught himself with his hands before his jacket was ruined.
He smiled, "I knew the rolled sleeves were the right move."
"For fuckssake," cursed Lily. She dug through her day pack and extracted one of her ever-present packs of baby wipes.
"If you get your muddy paws on me, Sirius, I swear to god," she threatened as she daintily held out the pack between two fingers. He waggled his fingers threateningly before grabbing a wipe.
"I told you forearms put the girls into a tizzy, Prongs," he remarked.
Lily scoffed and set off, tiptoeing past the other service trucks and generator to check the space inside the tent.
Following Sirius' fumble, they left their jackets behind in the truck as well. The drumkit was the first to be unloaded because they were the last to be loaded up, both were because Sirius was extremely particular about their care. It often went slower than they would like whenever Sirius conveniently "forgot'' to carry his share in favor of "directing."
When they went back for the amps they met a very clean looking man perhaps only a couple years older than them. Clean, but in a thoroughly relaxed posture. His back was turned to the lads as he examined the equipment left in the van.
"You all right?" Remus called in greeting.
The man turned and grew about 5 inches in one move. The relaxed posture was gone, replaced by one as pristine as the waitstaff uniform he was wearing.
"I was coerced into helping the music men bring things into the stage, is that you lot?"
"That's us, Harold over there will hand show you where to put things." Remus gestured at James.
"Harold?" asked Sirius.
"Harold Hill, The Music Man," Remus called back in answer as he walked around to open the side door. "Now quit bothering me and start in on those 76 trombones."
"I'm James," James clarified to the newcomer.
"Frank," he answered, shaking his hand with impressive firmness. "I assume Marian is your librarian?
"What?"
"Yep!" called Remus.
James figured he could keep asking questions until he understood just exactly what they were talking about, or save the time and confusion and get down to business.
Switching the topic of conversation away from Golden Age Broadway, he discovered that Frank was bartending the wedding. He had a more regular gig at the bar in the city where he was reading Law, but liked the tips he could earn at private events like these.
When they finished setting up they decided to take a break and retrieve their jackets and shoes before the soundcheck. Frank retreated to the bar to get ready for the cocktail hour.
James was admiring the piping on the large white wedding cake that had just been wheeled in and wondering where his missing girlfriend had gone when he saw the other woman in his life make her entrance.
"Mother..?" James was stalled with disbelief.
"Mum Potter!" Sirius ran past him and embraced the thin frame of Euphemia Potter. He almost knocked her over, but she pulled him close and smoothed her hand down his hair.
"Hello, darlings," she said in her sing-song voice. Her voice was part of why she got away with so much. She sounded sweet and cheerful which, he'd admit, she at times was, but it meant that no one believed James or saw it coming when she decided to pounce. Their performance fee was only a small example of it - also, apparently, was her getting a last minute invitation to this wedding….unless she'd decided to join the band with her tambourine like she was so fond of threatening.
"Your father and I decided that today would be a wonderful opportunity to catch up with the family-" She gestured vaguely behind her where the guests were beginning to file into the reception tent "-while getting to see you boys in action."
"We aren't even playing our own music," James protested, "Wait, Dad is here?!"
"James Fleamont do not act the rotten child and greet your mother." She was smiling but he heard the steel underneath the sweetness.
He pulled her in for a big bear hug. "It's good to see you, Mum," he said, because it was.
She pulled back and gave him a once over, pushing his hair out of his face and smoothing down his lapel. She pursed her lips at his shirt under the jacket, and looked up for an explanation. James shrugged. "Sirius went loose in a charity shop." She nodded, unsurprised.
"Go say hello to your father and I'm off to find my Lily and Remus and Peter." She left.
My Lily, he thought. He liked it, but it also freaked him out that he liked it. At the very least it was convenient to have a girl who his mother liked and approved of. Certainly it had been necessary in convincing them on the tour.
His father was talking to Elphias by the entrance to the tent. As James approached it became comically obvious that the two men were related, however distantly. They had the same cowlick in the backs, which prompted James to smooth down his own. They also had the same laugh, of all things. HA! Hohohoho! They would set each other off in turn, like a pair of surprised Father Christmases.
"James!" his father exclaimed when he noticed him. "This is Elphias, er well, I believe you've met, anyway he's your...third cousin? Removed a couple times?"
"More or less." Mr Doge shrugged. "I'm glad you all could make it, and I'm extremely grateful to you and your friends, James Fleamont."
James smiled and nodded in response, but couldn't help but flinch at his name.
Fleamont Potter's face lit up as Euphemia came to rejoin them. "Darling."
"My love," she said as she slotted in perfectly under his arm. His father's face reddened as if his parents hadn't been greeting each other in that exact manner for as long as James could remember.
The adults began discussing old or dead people they all knew, the newlyweds, and weddings in general.
"Potter."
"Evans." Lily walked over to join them, sliding in next to James to hold him by his waist. She had swapped out of shorts and his old t-shirt since he'd last seen her while setting up the stage. He didn't know how or where she'd managed to change but she was now wearing a pretty yellow dress with a full skirt and some strappy thing at the shoulders. Most notably, however, she was wearing a matching yellow fascinator that looked like a gauzy pancake slapped onto her head at an angle with tall feathers sticking straight out of it. It very easily could have lended her a "Big Bird Chic" look but, unsurprisingly, Lily pulled it off. She looked pretty but mischievous, just like the smirk she wore as she watched him bat her feathers out of his face.
"The lads want to run soundcheck before the guests start showing up."
One love in my life forever
Just one love naught on earth can sever
James crooned through Vera Lynn like he was performing heart surgery for the first time. The performance, rather than the song, created the tension. It was the traditional First Dance for the couple and James was terrified he'd muck it up. There were plenty of phones held up and pointed at the couple that any false note would be eternally recorded, to the distress of both James and the couple. He was trying to make his voice the most sincere, the most romantic, the most - for lack of a better word- syrupy for this magical moment, and he couldn't help but overthink it.
His umpteenth cousin x number of times removed glided across the tent's temporary parquet floor with his new wife in his arms. This was a weekend detour to James, but this was a moment Elroy would remember for the rest of his life. He was a wannabe rockstar, not someone who had any business singing of a love that "will flourish and stay forever in my heart."
But he was committed to the act, and was holding the mic so tightly he was worried it would pop out of his sweaty grip and hit him in the face. Wouldn't that be something to show the grandkids?
Fate may divide us, but still
I'll wait for you until
No longer we're apart
Fate did not seem to want to divide them quite yet. They weren't dancers, but instead, after a few good humoured spins, had pulled each other close, forehead to forehead, and begun to slowly turn and sway along to the song. He took his eyes off the couple. It was an oddly intimate moment to have witnessed by hundreds of guests.
One love haunting me so sweetly
One love claiming me completely...
The First Dance was the first opportunity he had to observe the crowd without having to worry about catching someone's eye. He had inevitably been a main focal point of the evening, though Elphias had served as master of ceremonies during the speeches. But now, everyone was watching the couple.
He scanned the crowd and found his parents and Elphias standing at the edges of the dance floor. His parents leaned into each other in a pose that was familiar from his childhood. Elphias watched the couple with a sad smile, holding and fumbling with a handkerchief like he couldn't make up his mind to use it. His eyes kept roaming searching, until it landed on what he had unknowingly been looking for.
She was right where she always was, at the bar, the closest seat to the stage. Frank was taking the opportunity to wipe down glasses and put his station to order, but Lily had her eyes right on James.
...And stay forever in my heart.
Lily smiled, and it was several heartbeats before James could pull his eyes away.
The song ended and James and the boys eased into the rest of the prepared repertoire. The crowd was in good spirits, and soon the whole tent was bursting with song and dance. They stopped an hour in and Elphias was met with boos when he climbed the stage to take the mic from James, but changed their tune when he began the rest of the reception traditions. The boys disembarked from the small platform, ceding it to the older fella and taking their well-earned break.
Lily met them at a back table that had been set with their promised meals. Pete and Sirius argued over the one lamb dish that had been set out for them. Remus pushed his spinach onto Lily's plate. James poked at the fillet in front of him, guessing at the species. Lily pushed half Remus' spinach portion back onto his plate, giving him a stern look.
Frank walked over with a tray of ciders for the lot. He made a last trip back to the bar before joining them. He set a martini glass in front of Lily and held a tumblr of brown liquor for himself.
"Oy, what's this?" an indignant Sirius asked.
"I'm special," said Lily.
"And not on the clock," said Frank.
"And you're not working?"
"Bartending requires a liver of steel, also, the servers are handling the champagne distribution for the toasts."
"This is alarmingly sweet," said James, who had stolen a sip from her glass.
"And you are alarmingly presumptuous." She snatched it back from him. "Frank's been making different cocktails to keep me company."
"Oh dear," Sirius groaned.
"Lil, you look very pink," Pete noted, which only caused Lily to get redder.
"Well, it's warm in this tent," she hedged. "Where have you been anyway?"
"With a Bathilda."
"Ohhhh, Pete-y got himself a wedding hunny."
"Don't be crass," Lily snapped. "I'm sure she's very nice, Pete."
"She's not a hunny, she's 85."
"Seems to me Pete has vintage tastes."
Pete huffed. "She's very nice and has loads of stories about everyone here! Much more interesting than dancing."
"Really?" asked James. "What've you heard?"
"She likes to talk about all the crazy things she did in the Thatcher years, protesting and stuff, says she met the Beatles when she was young-"
"Oh, DID she," Remus asked sardonically.
"It's a good story regardless!" Pete looked very flustered. "She's some in-law of Elphias's niece or something. Says he used to be a lot more fun and less anxious. He was in a band too, did you know? He and his partner Davy used to be the top group for the wedding circuit."
"That's neat!" Lily swung quickly from annoyance to excitement. She turned to James. "Do you think he'll want to join you for a song?"
Before he could stop mentally puzzling over the idea of the very proper Mr Doge letting loose with a guitar Pete cut the possibility short.
"Nah, he hasn't played since Davy died."
"Oh." The word plopped out of Lily's mouth and into the thick silence.
"Well, Pete, you sure know how to liven the conversation," said Remus, "but I'm glad we don't have to worry about dragging two of you to the next gig when your hangovers kick in."
"I do NOT get hungover!"
"Nah." James smirked at Lily. "You just get grumpy...but it looks like you've already gotten there."
Lily scrunched her face in irritation, so James, with a chuckle, planted a sloppy kiss on her warm cheek.
"Are you gonna be okay til the end of the next set?" He leaned in close to speak low in her ear. "You can take the keys and rest in the van if you like, just crack the window and I don't think it'd be too hot."
"I'm not drunk!" She insisted, but her features were softer as she gazed up at him. "I'm just hungry."
"Hangry," Sirius interjected.
Her face darkened as she shot a glare in his direction, before turning back to the group.
"We've been having a grand time at the bar, playing a game called 'make up stories about the guests while Frank makes me drinks.'"
"An apt allotment of our talents," Frank confirmed, cutting into the steak plate he had somehow managed to procure.
"You don't think they'd be bothered that you're making up wild stories about them?" asked Pete.
"They don't hear me," she said, "Besides, I'm sure they're all concocting stories themselves about how I'm either a prodigious alcoholic or shamelessly coming onto Frank."
James made a farce of being jealous, and was rewarded with another kiss from Lily. Frank seemed unperturbed by either of them, which really raised him in James' esteem.
"Well," Lily turned up the drama, "I heard that some young lad with a second hand jacket snuck into the wedding and started making nice with the loaded granny over at the table by the dance floor, a reliable source told me he's aiming to sweep her off her feet and clean sweep her bank account and high-tail it to a non-extraction country to live out life in luxury, while poor granny will have to rely on her dear grandchildren who wish they could have warned her before it was too late!"
She ended with a flair that sent Remus and Sirius into fits of laughter while Pete got very quiet and red.
"Pete, mate-" James started, wondering if she'd gone too far considering how sensitive they all knew he was.
"That's not all!" she continued before he could say more. "Other sources suggest that there's a band of foreign spies come to the wedding because the distinguished granny is in possession of ancient artefacts that might contain clues to a lost treasure."
"-Oh dear, she IS pissed." Remus smiled and shook his head.
"Our sneaky granny-whisperer is actually her undercover security detail hired to protect her and her heirlooms!"
Pete managed to crack a smile.
"I fully expect a gunfight to break out in due time, perhaps at the finale number."
"Finale?"
"Yes, the last song," she answered James, "Something palatable but funky, twist and shout, a real crowd pleaser. The spies will pull their firearms out of their guitar cases and the whole thing will turn into a Bond Film."
"Does that make you a Bond girl then?"
"Yes but I'm too pissed to think of a good name." She waved off Sirius' question. "And Frank will have provided me with the appropriate martini to enjoy the spectacle."
"Cherry...Something, obviously," Sirius began to speculate.
"What's my play in all this?" Frank asked.
She considered this while finally taking a bite from her neglected plate. "Ermmm, you're Q." She nodded, pleased with herself. "Yes, obviously."
"But instead of gadgets I make cocktails." He smirked.
"Amazing cocktails!" She made a grab for her glass but James grabbed it first.
"Eat something."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Fine, but only because this is actually delicious."
Once Lily tucked into her dish the conversation turned in a less fantastical direction.
"Lily says you all are playing another gig?" asked Frank.
"Yeah," Sirius said, "At the village just 15 miles down."
"I think I know where you mean, not a bad place for music."
"Is that right?" asked Remus.
"Who knows, if your next set or Cherry Poppins here doesn't put me off I might come down to hear your own stuff."
"CHERRY POPPINS!" Sirius exclaimed in delight, "You're the right sort, welcome to join us wherever."
They continued talking about music and live shows. Lily rejoined the conversation in a much steadier mood after finishing her meal and drinking some water, even if she did somehow sneak her martini glass back from James. He wasn't a fellow musician, but Frank turned out to know about the business. Lily and Sirius asked him various questions that had come up in their amateur bookie efforts. James and Remus were going over some of the songs in the next set when his Mum came over.
"Mum Potter!" said Sirius, drawn away from talking shop with Frank and Lily.
"Hello, darlings," she said with the far reaching warmth in her voice that had made her everyone's surrogate mother.
"Hi, Mum," said James, accepting a kiss on the cheek in greeting.
"Did you and Mr. Potter enjoy the meal?" Lily asked politely, receiving a kiss of her own.
"We did, Lily love, thank you." James knew that his mother found it comically endearing that Lily was still quite formal with her and his father.
"I have a request for you boys so I hope our gracious bartender here hasn't been too gracious," she winked at Frank.
"Oh, he hasn't." Lily answered for him.
"Mr. Doge would like you to play a song that was very special to him. It's a lovely slow number so it shouldn't be too difficult." James cringed internally, knowing his mother did not have a good understanding of what was and wasn't difficult. "Don't worry, Jamie, I'm sure you know it already." A small hope.
"Of course, Mum Potter," said Sirius, who had gotten up from his chair to ensure he received his own cheek kiss in greeting. Well that decided it then.
There was a bit of a scramble but the boys figured they'd probably be able to wing it more or less. The melody was simple, except for when it was not. Remus would play guitar for it, so he and James could each concentrate on one aspect instead of hoping James could handle the lyrics and the chords at the same time. Remus, besides being an ingenious bass player, was maybe a better guitar player than James...but not for long...James was working on it.
The song was one his mother had liked to play when she was feeling particularly emotive, for when she "needed a good cry but wasn't sad." Young James had found it amusing to see his mother wailing along to Judy in her rich voice. She was maybe a better singer than James...he was working on that too. Sometimes his father would come in and ask why she was belting out torch songs when he was only 20 minutes late for dinner and had no intentions of leaving her. She would smile at the joke and then they would switch on something with a horn section and swing and spin around the living room.
They scrounged together the last of their presentability for the second set. James delicately escorted Lily to the bar, exchanging a look with Frank. Remarkably, he trusted the guy, besides which Lily was capable enough to come up with some more Bond Girl names as well as remind him of the chords for the Beatles chorus he'd been humming.
"You'll remember," she assured him, "Just don't get too distracted."
"By what?"
"I know Sirius is always trying to get you to laugh and Remus is always pretending to be annoyed by it, not to mention the fight sequence at the end of the set," she said, very matter of factly.
"Of course." He snorted. "It's just the singing is fine, the fingering is fine, it's just the names of the chords that I blank on and then I think I'm going to mess up."
"You need to spend more time with the tabs Remus wrote out for you."
"Yeah, but don't tell him that."
She laughed, "He'll know."
Frank came over with two glasses of water. Lily made a face at hers but dutifully sipped. James gargled before swallowing.
"Kiss for luck"
"After that sexy display?"
"That doesn't turn you on?"
She rolled her eyes. "You can be the Rockstar but I'm the sexy one."
With a last laugh he leaned in to kiss her warm lips. "Water, love."
"Anything for you, my dear."
Just as she'd said, he did manage to remember his chords and enjoy himself. The guests had been refueled with food and booze and were getting exicitable on the dance floor. Sirius was bouncing in his stool along to the beat, and even Remus couldn't scowl when Sirius added a flourish to compliment his bass line.
They were in the middle of a rather gratuitous vamp, the groomsmen were doing some sort of air guitar dance that was only really acceptable at weddings like this, when James made the mistake of looking at his girlfriend.
There at her seat at the bar, behind the crowd of well-dressed British people, including his parents, one Lily Evans was giving him a charming display of her two exposed breasts.
With a jolt he struck the wrong chord. Remus started laughing, Sirius started a trill on the high hat.
Frank, very sensibly, threw a dirty bar rag at Lily. The maniac cackled, but finally righted the straps of her dress. Blessedly, he seemed to be the only one to have noticed the band was having a collective paroxysm.
"Your ladybird has a bigger flair for the dramatic than Sirius," Remus said, stepping closer to James.
"Makes me almost like her," Sirius added, before segueing into the next song.
Now
The disappearing act continued throughout the day. After the interviews, during which James said too much or too little (he couldn't wait to see what the fans online made of that), the lads joined the road crew backstage and met the house crew to go over the setup. No one was playing that night so they were able to set up some of the lighting and sound equipment they travelled with.
He scanned the room from the stage, with the house lights and only some of the stage lights on he could see all the way across the room to the bar. It was much farther than where they had played their first gigs and his sight line rarely reached that far back in the middle of their sets. Right now it was loaded with boxes and water bottles. Alice was gesturing wildly with a sharpie while explaining something in her large three ring binder to the house sound guy. He could even make out the squiggles of the menu painted on the mirror behind the bar.
It was an off day, one without show at least if not a real break, but everyone had something to do. Except one person, of course. The merch would stay locked up until the day of the show. But with everyone milling about the venue there was nowhere else to be except the bus. Thinking of Lily holed up somewhere, not in the thick of things, asking questions, getting into trouble and then inevitably charming her way out it felt wrong. What's more is that he felt...guilty?
Toward the end of the day the band all swung by the green room, the local opener had made it in and they exchanged greetings and compliments and suggestions about where to get dinner. Turned out Remus knew the drummer from a ways back so they went down some memory lane that consisted of a lot of references and characters James had never heard of.
Frank, who had been using the room as a makeshift office all day, looked his usual stoic self with the crisp creases still visible in his trousers. But then a flustered Alice came in talking about a weird deadzone behind a pillar that she wanted to mess with during final soundcheck the next day. Frank's stern lines softened as Alice made a beeline for their end-of-work day embrace. James imagined it part of their strange daily metamorphosis from no nonsense professionals to the sweetest people he knew. They could make grown men tremble while on the clock but were all smiles and soft tones in their free time, and always remembered their joint facetime to Frank's mum on Sundays. James had met Mrs. Longbottom once before, and couldn't consolidate her with the "absolute angel" Alice described.
He usually ignored their PDA out of respect but he couldn't help but react when he overheard Alice ask "Where is she?" There could only be one 'she".
"Gave her directions to Gregg's an hour ago," he heard Frank answer, "I think she meant to stretch her legs and explore a bit."
"She should have waited! I'd have gone with her!" exclaimed Alice. "We haven't seen her since…" she paused to consider. "Bonfire night? But the one before last?"
"I think that's right," said Frank. A long time to be sure, but years more recent than James. This made him feel a lot of tangled up feelings that he truly did not want to sort out. They had existed in the same world for so long until they didn't...except they had, apparently, if Remus and now Alice and Frank had kept in touch. In the same world but not together. He'd always thought she had just spun off into her own world that he would never get to understand, but maybe all he'd done was back himself into a corner where feelings couldn't catch him by surprise. That play didn't seem to be working anymore, if the last show was any indication.
In an effort to shake off these unpleasant thoughts, he walked over to greet Alice and Frank. "Hey Bossman - Alice." He nodded at each of them in turn. "You all all right?"
Frank's lovey expression sharpened into his professional facade. "What have you done?"
"What?"
"You only call me that when you've done something wrong you need me to fix."
"I have no clue what you're talking about."
"He almost bombed the last show," Alice told Frank.
James guffawed. "I don't know whether to be shocked or offended at that nonsense."
"You know I control your mic levels," she said, "I can hear you mumbling to yourself."
"Hmmmmmmmmrgh," James grumbled in discomfort.
"But it's all right, Remus gave him a talking to," she continued explaining to Frank.
"Is there no such thing as privacy?!"
"No?" Alice gave him the "are-you-serious" look a question like that deserved. Everyone was on top of each other throughout tour. Living together and working together and spending free time together meant everyone had to become best friends quick because boundaries were hard to maintain.
But one person seemed to have become the exception that makes the rule.
It wasn't that he wanted to see her, per se. No, he didn't want to crowd her or make her uncomfortable. He just needed to find the pattern of their interactions, the new rhythm to follow so that he wasn't caught off guard every time they ran into each other.
The next two nights went by with precarious ease. He stayed up late running through the setlist in the long abandoned green room and returned to dark a silent bus to crash in his bunk. A groggy morning turned into an energetic afternoon and reinvigorating show. After an encore the crew hurried to reload the buses so they could head out for the next stop. James and the rest of the band signed merch and even the odd CD for the fans who waited for them on the curb near their bus. When they finally climbed aboard, he noticed that Lily's bunk light was on with the curtain already pulled shut.
Then
They had no announcement for the song, but when Remus began to strum through some of the opening chords James noticed pull his mother, surprisingly enough, to the center front of the dance floor. It had cleared somewhat from earlier in the reception, and more so when a few guests decided a slow song was the perfect opportunity to get a refreshment. Still, no one seemed to notice this was the first time Elphias had joined the crowd. In fact, after he had finished playing master of ceremonies, James hadn't noticed him in the tent at all. Over to the side, the newlyweds were holding their heads close together, enjoying a quiet moment in the midst of the celebration. Elphias and his mother took their places with a soft solemnity and began to turn when James finally began to sing.
Last night when we were young
Love was a star
A song unsung
The tone shift was punctuated by the repopulation of the dance floor with the few other older couples in attendance. To James' amusement, he saw Peter being led on to the floor by his companion, a statuesque woman draped in pearls and presence.
Life was so new
So real, so right
Ages ago last night
The married couple stood together at the edge of the dancing, the bride leaning against her new husband's chest. The serene look on their faces he'd noticed during their first dance was back. Perhaps more wistful.
Today the world is old
You flew away and time grew cold
Elphias and his mother were still turning slowly close to the stage. Elphias had closed his eyes while his mother had a small smile on her lips. He would have thought they'd been friends for much longer than this evening for the trust they had for each other during what was obviously a vulnerable moment.
Where is that star
That seemed so bright?
Ages ago last night
In their weeks of touring James had learned the most from watching and listening than playing. The other bands in the line up, the audience when it was their go onstage. He was learning a lot about all the different sides of a performance. Remus might be the musical brains of their operation, Sirius the spirit, but James had to be the one to reach people's hearts. So he paid attention to the songs that worked and why, and the different reactions the crowds had to the windup from the bridge to the last chorus, the lyrics that got a whoops from the quiet ones in the back and the attitude that got the front row jumping. The project was eye-opening and he was excited for what he could bring with him back home and they got to writing again and finally recording.
Everything came down to connection, finding the right way to hit a chord that resonated in someone's chest the same way it resonated on his guitar. Yet while he could strain for honesty, the truth others found in the song could be completely different. He thought of his own reaction to the First Dance, and he also noticed the lighthearted mood of most of the guests dancing to Elphias' song. It was a Sentimental Moment, the kind that were planned out in advance and put on the wedding timetable. A reminder to enjoy young love while it is young. Not a realization that young love has grown old.
He pulled his gaze away from Elphias and his mother. The event was about the joy that love could bring, not the pain it inevitably cost. He looked back at the bar, figuring it was safe again to do so. There she was, his cherry bomb.
To think that spring had depended
On merely this, a look, a kiss
To think that he was up on that stage because of her. Because of her teasing encouragement during their midnight drives, because of her determination to turn an idea into a reality, because her laughs sounded better than any melody he could come up with. To think that after weeks of driving to bars around the country, to any crowd who would give them a moment's attention, to this posh wedding, to prove that they could be a real band; all he really wanted was to play something that would make her smile like she was right then.
To think that something so splendid
Could slip away in one little daybreak
Now
They were playing again the next evening, and James had learned that his voice was not as invincible as he used to believe. He made himself a cup of lemon-honey tea and settled in for a silent rest on the couch in the back room of the bus. The design of the bus allowed it to be converted into a master bedroom, but the boys had it set up as a common room, with a TV, gaming system, and spare acoustic guitar.
The bus wifi was behaving so James scrolled through Netflix before inevitably selecting a show he'd seen all the way through multiple times. The rumble of the bus and the familiar rhythm of conflict/comedy on the screen succeeded in calming James' nerves. Slowly he felt his shoulders unclench and topple down from next to his ears like falling bricks. He cracked his neck for good measure and pulled out his notebook.
Writing had always been the best way to chase out all the hidden thoughts in his mind, to confront them. Performing them was cathartic in a different way - singing was personal, yes, but the connection forged between the band and the audience was vital to fully realizing the feelings and exorcing them, in a way. He'd been thrown off that night, but the practice held true. Lily might have set him off rhythm, but music was his best chance at getting through.
When it came down to the reality of it, beyond the turbulence in his stomach and the montages playing in his mind, there was a simple question. Was his overwhelming reaction a testament to what had been, or a revelation to what was. If all this was just the last hurrahs of his former feelings, he could suffer through them as silently as possible and then move on, hopefully as soon as possible. It would be embarrassing to admit, even to just himself, that he'd put off closure for so many years, but better later than never. Lily wasn't a dullard, she could no doubt sense his confusion and that was the source of her obvious discomfort.
He did his best to not let his mind linger on the other possibility. That...wouldn't be fair to either of them. The least he could do for her would be to disprove that suspicion. Every detail he collected about her was both a mark against their past, and a point towards their future, no matter how temporary or in what form that would take. He was living in two timelines, two mindsets - ripped in half and trying not to call attention to the blood on the floor.
The next blow came as he realized this was the same thing that had happened years ago. They'd been growing in two directions no matter how he fervently denied it, until eventually he found that meant denying them, denying her, altogether. But she wasn't holed up in some far off dorm room anymore, she was in the bunk below his. He'd been on the run but everything had caught up with him. He had to figure this out.
Deliberation was mentally exhausting, as was guilt, but for all his conclusions, he didn't have any answers.
What he did have, remarkably, blessedly, was a couple of lyrics and a short melody looping in his head. He was tapping out the syllables on his paper, leaving a mess of meaningless dots of ink on the page. Quickly he fumbled to get his phone from his pocket and record a voice memo, first the melody and then adding a murmur of the lyrics where he thought they could fit, then tapering off into a hum of what might follow. It was an inexact process.
"Oh, hi."
Lily walked in, letting the heavy curtain separating the back room from the front of the bus fall behind her. She sat down five feet away from James, eyes glued to the screen that James had forgotten was still playing on a queue.
He stared at her. Then he remembered that his voice memo was still recording and quickly tapped at it.
She blinked and turned to him, "Did I interrupt you?"
"No! No, it was just a snip of a thing, I'm done, it's fine." His ears burned and he dared himself to hold her gaze until she looked back to the screen.
It felt awkwardly intimate - the subject of his thoughts and musical musings appearing out of thin air. The past few hours of obsessive thought and the lateness of the hour broke him down in a way he'd avoided when they'd been alone together the afternoon before. But now the air between them was thick - a third presence in the room that brought in a silence loud enough to block out the song in his head.
She seemed to be similarly vulnerable. She relaxed into the couch, hugging a pillow to her chest so she could rest her chin on it. He watched the corners of her mouth quirk at the jokes they'd both heard many times before. Dark red antennas of baby hair escaped the haphazard pile of hair on her head, so vibrant against the paleness of her tired face. The bags were purple and dark under her green eyes.
James' hand went to his own hair, making it stick up taller than hers.
"You don't have to be nervous," she said without looking away from the show.
"What?"
"This," she paused, "This whole thing wasn't expected, or ideal. But we don't have to act like the other is a pariah, or even a stranger." She looked at his hair and a small smile teased her lips. "I don't want to have to pretend that I don't know what it means when you mess with your fringe like that. We don't have to be friends, but we don't need to be so tense."
"We can be friends."
She bit her lip. "Maybe."
"Lils-" her gaze snapped to his, surprised at his own admission of familiarity. He forgot what he meant to say- if anything.
So the tension between them lingered a bit more, neither of them breaching it. Slowly they settled back into watching the show, staying up later than they probably should. When they switched it off and rose for bed, it was in unplanned unison, and though they didn't say anything other than low murmurs of "goodnight" as they shuffled past each other in the cramped hallway of the bus, there was a loud hum of recognition between them. An amp turned on and ready for the first stroke of a chord. The quiet between tracks on a record. A silence with potential.
Then
So now let's reminisce and recollect the sighs and the kisses
The arms that clung
When we were young last night