I rolled around in my bed, scritching and scratching at my eyes. As if gouging them out would rid me of my blindness.
why did I have to be like this?
why did papa have to die?
i just want to take care of the pretty flowers.
Everyone always sees me as a weakling, something that you need to guide gently. Then why..? why am I being forced into this..? I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks, stinging on their way down. Grinding my teeth together as the constant buzzing and whirring fills my head.
I don't want to be a ninja, I don't want to be a kunoichi. I just want to stay home, and take care of the pretty peonies.
I clutched my stomach as if I've been stabbed and roll off of my bed with a thump as I throw up all over the floor. My stomach throbbed with a gut wrenching pain.
I ran my fingers across my belly, not feeling any sort of puncture or wound that would cause. Sounds of screaming, my own voice yelling out, "WATCH OUT!" On a constant repetitive chain, more stinging tears dribbling down my cheeks.
"your life is worth more than mine"
I didn't believe in destiny, a set path. Things were always changing and that's how it always will be.. The flashing images in my mind. Those eyes, afraid.
needles puncturing up from the ground, the thick scent of metallic blood, hot saliva dribbling down my chin. my limbs stiff with soreness, and I was so tired that all I wanted to do was sleep. With another spike of gut wrenching pain, and I felt my innards fly up from my throat.
what was fear?
"Hotaru! Hotaru!" I felt someone shaking me. I slowly sat up, the pain in my belly gone, and a stinging sensation on my cheeks.
"What happened here? Are you okay? Did you eat something bad, why did you throw up, and why are there scratches around your eyes?" Himoka inquired sternly and seriously. I stayed quiet, not knowing how respond, the words caught in my throat.
"Come on girl, speak! Were you trying to get out of classes by throwing up?" Came her queery. I maintained my silence.
"Just get back in bed, you're going to school tomorrow," came her harsh tone. I heard her place a towel onto the floor, and leave the room.
I simply sat on the floor. That fearful gaze, those eyes. No way I could place the color, but it was beautiful. They reminded me of the gentle, sweet scent of a peony.
My heart pounded against my ribcage, and the intense metallic scent of blood, and the sickening scent of puke lingering in my room.
I was only 8, what could I even do?
.
.
.
Classes came the next morning. I was washed, fed (even though it was practically forced down my throat as I didn't feel like eating), and stretched for the day. I was informed that I was going to be seeing the doctor's after school. So I would be leaving right after school.
On my way to school, I just felt.. sluggish. I didn't feel like going, I didn't feel like moving, I didn't feel like eating. I didn't feel like doing anything. I had made it into class, and sat next to Lee, who was already there. He nudged me, "what's wrong?" He asked.
I didn't say anything. "Did something happen, there's a scab on your face..?"
I continued my stream of silence. The buzzing filling the back of my mind as an almost comforting white noise. "If this is because we haven't talked in a while, sorry about that, I've just been making friends..!" He began explaining.
"It's fine, I don't want to stop you from making friends.. its just.. stressful.." I sighed out.
"I guess it would be a bit more stressful since you.. your.."
"It's not that.."
"Oh.. alright, what is it then?" He asked.
"I don't know.." I sighed out. I didn't want to talk about it right now.
I droned on throughout the day. Listening along to class, I decided to not participate in our game of ninja today. I had gone to the bathroom after eating to throw up. Then, after recess I droned on through the rest of the day without incident. No one else spoke to me, which is how I wanted it. Although.. it hurt.
Then I as I stood outside the school building after classes, I perked up as I noticed that Himoka-sama was actually here to pick me up, instead of the just having an attendant do it. The little bugs skittering, anxiety littering the area as she approached. I felt her beady eyes on me. "Hotaru-chan, come along now, we're going to be visiting someone," she took my hand in her wrinkled cold one and led me along the streets of Konoha.
"I don't want anymore incidents like last night, so we are going to be getting to the bottom of this," she explained. She led me along twisted paths, we paused a moment. There were bees floating around me buzzing about with the flowers.
"Today we are visiting the Yamanaka, you will speak to someone there and tell them what is troubling you," she explained. "You will not tell her any sort of clan secrets or techniques, you will tell her that you wish to be a kunoichi, and you will not speak of me, do I make myself clear?" She stated, her voice hushed.
"Yes, you do Himoka-sama." My voice was soft. As we walked away I felt a pair of eyes on the back of my head.
After a bit of walking we entered an average sized building. Lead around by Himoka. "I'm here for an appointment. For Aburame Himoka with Aburame Hotaru."
"Follow me please," the woman spoke, and we were lead away to a little room where I was sat down. She filtered through some papers for a moment, and stated, "the doctor will be with you shortly."
As soon as the click of the door closing resounded Himoka spoke, "remember to mind your manners here, and remember what we talked about."
Soon enough the doctor stepped in. I took a deep breath. "Aburame Hotaru?" A man spoke. I felt his gaze land on me.
I nodded. I head him sit down and leaf through the papers. "My name is Yamanaka Hikaru, you may simply call me Hikaru," the man introduced.
I just nodded again. "So can you tell me what the issue is? It says here that Himoka here found you screaming, did you have a nightmare Hota-chan, do you mind if I call you that?" I shrugged in response.
"I had a nightmare."
"Well Hota-chan, sometimes our dreams can show us ways that we are stressed with subliminal messages, can you tell me what happened in your nightmare?"
I bit my lip a tiny bit, and glanced over at Himoka.
"In my dream I saw. It was blurry, and I couldn't tell what was happening but I saw.. eyes? I'm not sure. I think they were eyes. They had a nice color that in not really sure what it was. And in my dream I died." There was a long silence right after I spoke.
"How did you die?" Hikaru asked.
"Spikes came up from the ground and stabbed me."
There was another long moment of silence, the only sound being the sound of Hikaru writing something.
"How about we get to the bottom of this, stress is usually the cause of these sorts of dreams, has anything been stressing you lately?" He inquired. I remained silent for a moment. Thinking.
Right now I could say something. I was talking to someone, I could get away from Himoka, but it could also backfire on me. Hikaru could do nothing and I get beat at home.
The words rested on my tongue, with no clue on how to say it. I felt Himoka's eyes burn into the side of my skull.
"School had been hard recently you know, being blind and all. Some of thing kids aren't very nice." I stated simply. Himoka let out a hum of satisfaction.
There was a slight tenseness left in the air.
"Alrighty, I believe that concludes our meeting today, Himoka-san. Just as a word of advice to help Hota-chan do well is possibly have a friend within the clan come over to play or study at times, maybe take her to a park to play and meet more kids around her age. Just to reduce some stress," Hikaru explained, although his voice seemed strained.
"Of course, I'll see that it's done." Was Himoka's simple reply, and then we left. And I felt the regret rise up in my throat as we walked away.