A/N: A little off-speed stuff for the 1988 film "Bull Durham".
Present Company Excluded
"So, what are we going to get Jimmy and Millie for their wedding?" Bobby asked in the Durham Bull's locker room. He had waited until his teammate Jimmy wasn't around before popping the question to the rest of the team.
"What did Larry say when he went out to the mound last night? Candlesticks?" Deke asked. "Something about a rooster?"
"No, the rooster was for me," Jose chimed in. Worried that his girlfriend had put a curse on his glove, he knew of no other way to get rid of it than to perform a ritual. He wasn't found of the idea, but sometimes sacrifices had to be made in baseball - figuratively and literally.
"He also said something about silverware I think," Tony added before laughing. "Silver? We're in the minor leagues - we're lucky to get plastic forks and knives."
"Probably so we won't kill ourselves in despair over not making it to the show," Ron grumbled. The dream of every player on the team was to take that last step to the major leagues; sadly, most would never even get a sniff of it as a combination of their skill sets and limited rosters made single A ball the top of their playing pyramid.
"Larry said we have to register or something," Jose offered.
"No, no, no...he meant that Jimmy and Millie probably registered their wedding and we can go and buy something for their wish list," Bobby explained.
"Where is this register?"
"I don't know - let me ask." Bobby trotted out of the locker area to the office of Joe "Skip" Riggens and returned shortly. "Boss says it's at Knepler's."
"Knepler's? Who puts a wedding register at a bible store?" Tony asked.
They all looked at each other for a moment and answered the question at the same time. "Jimmy would."
"Besides, they have other stuff beside bibles," Bobby went on. They got cups and plates..."
"...with bible verses..."
"...and pillows and sheets..." Bobby went on.
"...with bible verses..."
"...and...ah...well...music. Come one guys, it's not for us; it's for Jimmy and Millie."
"I guess it won't hurt to go look," Deke said. "We don't HAVE to buy anything there."
"I can't go in - I might burst into flames if I don't get that curse off," Jose said as he shook his head.
"Okay, Jose can stand outside while the rest of us go in. We've got a few hours before we have to be back - let's go."
...
The bell over the front door rang as the group of ball players made their way into the small shop, huddling together for support while Jose waited nervously outside. They felt uneasy in the business - although most players will utter a prayer at some point to get past a slump or shag a fly that is flaring away from them, it can often be chalked up to desperation rather than true belief. Sundays were for playing out in the fresh air, not for being cooped up in a building while sitting on a hard pew. A few bravely reached out to touch something, but quickly withdrew their hand lest they receive some type of divine shock.
Bobby, nominally in charge, took the initiative and walked up to the counter.
"Can I help you, young man?" the middle-aged woman asked from behind the counter.
Bobby couldn't help but stare at the cross around her neck that was hanging above the valley between two holy mountains. With a start of awareness at where he was, he averted his eyes and forced himself to concentrate. "Uh...yeah...do you have a wedding registry here?"
"We sure do hon! Which one of you boys is gettin' hitched?" When she didn't get an immediate response, she lowered her voice and leaned forward to whisper, sending her cross further away from its soft berth as it now was suspended above the heavenly sight. "It ain't two of you boys, is it? We don't do those types of weddings."
Bobby jumped back. "No! It isn't any of us - it's for Jimmy and Millie; we heard they were registered here."
"Oh! Why didn't you say so? Let me get it..." she said as she bent over to get the book.
Bobby looked away at the ceiling, and then noticed what direction he was looking in. "Sorry," he mouthed silently, just to show he was trying.
"Here it is, hon. Let me see...okay, this section is where they are. If you see a checkmark in the box, someone already bought it for 'em. Jimmy's a nice boy - are you on his team?"
"Yeah."
"That's nice. We only met the Millie girl once. Is she nice?"
"Oh, she's nice..." several of the players said at the same time, then eyed each other with suspicion. With a well-to-do father who was a booster to the team and had given them their new scoreboard, Millie was the unofficial groupie of the team. While Annie Savoy might devote herself to one player during the year, Millie had no such limitations. It was an unspoken truth among the players that an encounter with Millie wasn't a matter of if, but rather, when.
"Such a nice young couple. I'll let you boys look; just let me know if you find something." She turned her back and busied herself with some other business.
The players crowded around the book, trying to get a look. Their collective brows arched at the prices for the items; as minor league players, they didn't make a lot of money and most had some other job to make ends meet.
"What are those candlesticks made out of, solid gold?"
"How much for a toaster?"
"Do they have any towel sets?"
"A communion set? For a wedding?"
"What's the cheapest thing?"
The players debated over what was available, and with their meager funds signed up for cast iron waffle iron and a set of guest towels with 1 Peter 4:9 embroidered on them. "Guess that leaves you out Tony," Deke joked.
"I'll bring my own if I ever go over there," he grumbled.
Back at the clubhouse before that night's game, some of the guys were discussing the gift. "Yeah, it's okay I guess - but it doesn't really say 'Bulls player', does it?" Bobby asked. It was a nice gift, but that was the problem - it was 'nice'. It wasn't them.
While Jimmy was busy holding his daily chapel service, Bobby saw their catcher Crash Davis walk in and quickly corralled him off to one side with some of the players. "What's up, guys?" the veteran player asked.
"It's Jimmy's wedding. We got him something, but it really isn't...you know...it doesn't really say Durham Bulls. What do you recommend for a wedding present?"
Crash set his bag in his locker and sat on the bench, putting his foot up beside him. "I've never been married."
"Yeah," Deke said "but you're...you know...ah..."
"I've been around for awhile."
'Yeah. So what do married people need?"
"Okay, first let's define married. Here's my view of marriage in a nutshell. Marriage is a little like baseball - fundamentally, you've got a ball, a bat, and a glove. The ball is your happiness; sometimes it's in the dirt, sometimes it's sailing out of the ballpark. The glove is the woman; it's designed to receive the ball off of the bat, which I guess I don't have to tell you is the man, right?"
A few of the guys were blank-faced for a moment, until the symbology caught up to everyone except Tony. Everyone else laughed like grade school kids.
"Okay. Now, in a game, after you catch the ball you throw it back. That's marriage; you don't keep the happiness to yourself, you give it back so you can get it back again. Right? The batter doesn't just hit the ball once and the game is over. Done right, marriage is like basking in the glow of winning the World Series."
"What if the pitcher is throwing a no-hitter?" one of them asked.
"That's the opposite, same if the pitcher is getting shelled. That kind of marriage is like playing below single A ball. Every day. For years, and you're the only good player there. You wanna play that game? I don't think so. Victor Hugo wrote about a poor man with worn-out hat and shoes who was in love. The water ran through his shoes but the stars ran through his soul. If you marry right, that's what you get."
"You become poor?" Jose asked.
"Oh, I get it!" Tony burst out, a little behind in the conversation. "The glove is the woman's..."
"Okay, okay, you get it. The bottom line is, get whatever gift you want for them - when it comes down to it, they have to work out the important stuff anyway. You know Jimmy better than I do; get something to help him get used to being married. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready - some of us have a game tonight." Crash turned his back and started pulling things out of his bag. His audience wandered away to another part of the locker room, thinking.
Deke shook his head. "Something to get him used to being married."
"Yeah, married - to Millie," Bobby added.
"Poor Jimmy; he doesn't even know what he's in for with her. I have as much experience being the Pope as he does with women. Hey wait a minute..." Tony said, starting to giggle. "I just got a great idea."
"What?"
"They're going to need a wedding cake, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, we could decorate a cake REAL special for him..."
The End
A/N: Bull Durham was a fun, rather adult look at baseball - not the bright lights and fast lives of the big leagues, but more the grassroots level of the minor leagues where so many more players spend their careers. I had heard the audio clip of Kevin Costner's character for years - about what to get Jimmy and Millie for their wedding during a conference on the mound during a game - before I saw the film; we see the cake in the film, but there must have been more to the process.
I couldn't bring myself to to quite use the frank language of the movie, so the best I could use is metaphor and allusion.