Busy weekend ahead, so you're getting this chapter a bit early as it's ready. More or less ready, anyway? I mean... it feels like some soap opera episode to me and I'm not sure if I like it. But it's ready and it's here.

There'll be some references to online articles which are actually real, I'll link them at the end. Well, at least those that are still available. :/

Chapter 6

The weekend came and Sai was still grounded, but now at least he was again allowed to use the internet, and when he was sure neither of his parents would surprise him at it, he quickly entered Shizuku no kai's site. Fifty-three members, was it? And some of them had profiles online. He looked first at Shizue's – she had shown it to him before, but he had then been too shaken to really concentrate on it. Now he read on, curious despite himself. Congenital adrenal hyperplasia? The words meant nothing to him, but that wasn't the point. He read about Shizue's life, about the time when she had found out about her condition, and the struggle to come to terms with herself and her body.

He moved on to other life stories, realizing in amazement how many different types of intersex conditions there seemed to be. There were some with PAIS, too, but he didn't read those yet. Instead he read about a man who was 29 years old when he found the reason behind his physical differences – Klinefelter's syndrome – and who immediately started androgen therapy, only to regret it in the later years. Not all stories were unhappy, though: he read of a girl with severely ambiguous genitalia who had chosen not to do anything about it, and of another with Swyer's syndrome who wrote, at the end of her story, I personally find my condition to be beautiful. I feel like I know what and who I am now, and I realise just how amazingly unique I really am.

He smiled and, encouraged, clicked on the profile of a woman with PAIS. Early on he realized this wouldn't be such a happy story, but he read on, enthralled with how familiar it all was. All the little things… the constant urinary tract infections, the feeling of being different from other boys, the messed up puberty, and…

Infertility. He swallowed.

I went home that afternoon and attempted suicide.

He stared at that simple statement, and clicked the browser shut with a little shaky hand. Infertility? How hadn't he come to think of that before? Why hadn't anyone mentioned it? Not that he would have dreamed of a big family – in fact, he had never even thought about it at all, but… the possibility of not even having the choice squirmed in his stomach. He opened the browser again and typed PAIS infertility into a search engine.

Patients with grades 3-7 are always sterile … grade 2 and grade 1… the patient may be infertile.

He heaved out a sigh. May be infertile. Was there any way to tell for sure, yet? Did he want to know for sure? He thought about the young girl (well, back then still supposedly a boy, just like him – exactly his age, too) who had been bluntly told about her infertility and who had then attempted to kill herself.

He stood up. He did not want to think about all this. Not now. Not ever, really, but definitely not now. The room felt suddenly suffocating and he walked out, wishing he could go somewhere. Go anywhere. Preferably somewhere where he could play an amazing game, one that would take all he had so that he couldn't think of anything else.

"Mother?" He found her in the living room, reading. "How long will I be grounded?"

She looked up at him, tiniest frown on her forehead. "I'm not sure. You should ask your father."

"I can't, he's not home yet" Sai said a little grumpily. "Does being grounded mean I can't have any friends over?"

The frown was still there. "Who were you thinking about?"

"Touya… or Shindou."

"I don't know." She was looking at her book, not at him. "I'm not sure if you should spend so much time with them. Touya-kun especially seems to be a bad influence on you."

Sai couldn't quite believe his ears. "Touya… is a bad influence on me?" He wasn't sure if he had ever heard anything as ridiculous. Touya of all people?

"He… gives you ideas. And neither of them behaved very responsibly when you… had your little escapade last week."

Sai bit back an angry retort. "I guess that's a no, then?" he asked gruffly. Damn it, he needed a game. Nothing else could possibly distract him enough to stop, at least for a moment, thinking about this. A moment he considered if he could invite someone else, but he couldn't figure out who. Akari, Tsutsui? But if he called anyone else over, he'd probably have to explain everything, and he didn't feel like doing that.

The front door opened. His mother stood up and left the book on her chair. "Welcome home, dear," she said as she walked out of the room to the hall. "How was your day?"

"Busy and long," Sai's father grunted. He noticed Sai who had followed his mother and paused. "Good, you're here. We need to talk."

"Wouldn't you first want some refreshments?" Sai's mother asked, a nervous tinge in her voice.

"No." He shook his head. "Let's talk, right away." He walked into the living room, and Sai followed him, feeling a little apprehensive. His father did not sit down but turned to look at him seriously, standing in the middle of the room, and Sai grimaced inwardly. One of those talks?

"I talked today with doctor Akimoto," his father began, and Sai gave a surprised start. "He is firmly of the opinion that we should start your hormonal therapy. He gave me prescriptions…"

"What?" Sai breathed. "Prescriptions? Without even seeing me?"

"You were the one who didn't want to see him, weren't you?" his father stated coldly. "Which reminds me, you really should apologize to Akimoto-sensei. But, as I was saying, he gave me prescriptions and instructions for testosterone injections. You will need one every two weeks, at least for…"

"But I haven't even decided yet if I want them!" Sai exclaimed, and fell then silent, unsure. Why wouldn't he want them? After all, didn't he want his body to normalize? To get rid of the gynecomastia, and begin normal male puberty? And perhaps, some day, have the chance to have children… "I…" he started, and swallowed, not knowing what to say.

His father was staring at him with a deep frown. "Not decided? What kind of nonsense is that! What else could you do but start this therapy? The doctor told me that your puberty is clearly delayed, and that most likely it will not start normally without help. In fact," he glanced at Sai's mother, "he did recommend this already nearly a year ago."

"Yes, but…" Sai swallowed again, feeling unreal. "Do we need to hurry about it, really? I mean, I'm only fourteen. Couldn't it be it's just, just late? What if everything would begin on its own, and… isn't it better to wait a little?" he concluded a little weakly.

"Maybe we should have a talk about this first," his mother cut in, giving his father a meaningful look. "Perhaps you should wait in your room," she added to Sai.

For once he was happy to be dismissed. He all but fled to his room and closed the door. Then he headed to his computer, turned it on, and went to reread the profile of the man with Klinefelter's syndrome who had started the testosterone treatment.

…in order to find out what being "male" was like… the feeling that my female persona was dying… overwhelming time of confusion… I often regret that decision… my once hairless body was covered with hair, and my hair was beginning to bald… side-effects…

Sai paused. He tried to imagine himself with a hairy body and balding head, and shuddered. Something superficial like that, he told himself, was hardly the most important thing to consider here. Still, he found the whole idea quite repulsive.

Feeling like he was beginning to get a headache he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. He needed to calm down, collect himself, and think about this rationally.

A game would certainly help in that. He considered calling Touya and playing a round of blind go on phone against him, but decided against it. He opened his eyes and closed the internet site he had been on – he had spent perhaps too much time reading through those stories for one day. After clearing the browser history he was about to shut down the computer when he paused, a new thought occurring to him.

What couldn't one find online, these days?

A quick search proved him right, and with a small smile he clicked himself onto the World Igo Net. He registered, typed SAI for his username, and headed to explore the site with growing excitement.

...

"Online go?"

Hikaru was watching him with a weird look, as if not quite understanding what he was talking about.

"Yes! And it's a great site, you should try it too! You can play against people all around the world, and there are some really strong players among them!"

"Well, I don't know." They were hanging in the school yard, waiting for the day to begin. "But it's great to see you so excited about something again!" Hikaru grinned at him. "So, is everything alright now?"

Sai blinked. "Everything? Well, I…" He paused, thinking about all he had read online. Shame. Regret. Suicide attempts. …infertility. He'd been trying not to think about that – dwelling on it would hardly help. He looked at Hikaru who was watching him expectantly. I probably can't have children, he wanted to say, but couldn't. Hikaru raised his eyebrows at him, and he blinked. The boy had asked something, hadn't he? It took him a moment to remember what. He glanced over his shoulder, checking that no one was close by. "No. My parents, or at least my father wants me to start androgen therapy, but… I'm not sure about it. Actually, I told them I'm not going to start it yet."

"Oh?" Hikaru's look was quite blank. "What does it mean?"

"Well, you know! Androgens, the male hormones, the stuff to which my body's insensitive, and I guess I'll need more of it, or something. I'm not sure about the details, how it really works." Sai shot another nervous look around. "It'd help puberty to start."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Hikaru looked quite confused. "What is it you're not sure about?"

Sai considered his words a long while, but even so "I'm not sure about anything anymore," was all he was able to say. "I just… don't want to hurry with this. I'm afraid I'm going to make some awful decision I'll regret later."

"Decision? So what is it you need to decide?" Hikaru was beginning to sound a little vexed. "Why can't you just answer a simple question!"

"Because it's not a simple question!" Sai shot back. "It's a decision I need to live with all my life! I thought I knew what I was, but now I just… I just don't have a clue, and it's not easy to figure out what I should do."

Hikaru looked like he wanted to say something but didn't himself have a clue what that something was. A couple of times he opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"You talking about that girl or boy thing?" he finally all but spat out. "You've always been a boy, how could you now just suddenly become something else? Try to make up your mind so I can stop fretting about it, too!"

"Why does it matter so much to you, anyway?" Sai asked quietly, forcing himself to stay calm.

"I don't know! It's just… matters! Why is it weird to want to know what gender someone is?"

Sai's patience was beginning to grow quite thin. "Is gender actually the only thing you care about?" he snapped.

"I didn't say so! But I'd just like to know if I suddenly have a girl for a best friend!"

Sai shot him a glare and walked away.

...

Sai didn't talk to him at all during the rest of the day. Later in the evening, at home, Hikaru was lying on his bed, doing his best not to think about it. He'd tried everything to distract himself – replaying old games, reading manga, even doing homework… but nothing worked. Sai was, obviously, mad at him. It felt a little unfair. Sure, he could understand that Sai was facing hard times, but it wasn't that easy for him, either. And it didn't make it easier he had no one to talk with about it all. The only other person who knew about it…

…was Touya.

Hikaru considered this a long while. Then he jumped up and yelled from his door, "Mom! I'll stop by at a go salon tomorrow after school!"

"Don't stay too long!" came his mother's reply, but Hikaru had already closed his door again.

Next day he stepped into Touya's go salon, as he had come to think of it, and shot a searching look around.

"Hello, Shindou-kun!" Ichikawa exclaimed behind her counter. "It's been a while! How are you?"

"Fine, thanks." Hikaru was still looking around. "Is Touya here?"

"Yeah, he's there in the back," Ichikawa said, pointing. Then she looked expectantly at Hikaru.

"I just want to talk with him," the boy muttered. "Do I need to pay for that?"

"Alright, alright." She gave him a bright smile, but it faded soon away. "Say, Sai-kun hasn't been here for a long while, either. Is he alright?"

"Yeah." Hikaru gave her a lopsided smile. "You wouldn't believe it, but he got himself grounded."

He left Ichikawa gaping after him and headed to the back, where, sure enough, Touya was replaying some old game.

"Hi," he said and dropped to sit by the other side of the table. Touya looked up with a start.

"Oh, it's you," he said, and Hikaru frowned at his disappointed tone.

"Yeah, it's me. Missed me?" When Touya didn't even smile, just stared at him, he gave a great sigh and leaned back on his chair. "Well, whatever. I didn't miss you either. But I just…"

"Want to talk about Sai?" Touya suggested quietly.

Hikaru nodded, surprised. "How did you guess?"

Now Touya did smile. "It's kind of obvious. I can think of only two reasons you'd come here: either to play or then to talk about him, and it doesn't look like you came for a game. How is he?"

"I don't know," Hikaru muttered. "He seems totally confused. He even got mad at me, and I…"

"And you did nothing, huh?" Touya said with raised eyebrows. "He just got mad without any reason?"

"Well…" Hikaru shifted uncomfortably. "Maybe there was some reason. But…"

"Shindou! Didn't I tell you we need to support him!"

"Well I haven't seen you doing much supporting either!"

"I do call him every now and then," Touya said, looking away. "But… he never really tells me anything. I'd like to meet him, but as he's grounded and no visitors are allowed, it's… kind of hard."

"I wish he'd already get it all worked out," Hikaru muttered, leaning his elbows against the table and staring at the game Touya had been playing. "It's so confusing and… exhausting!"

The look Touya gave him might have made the hell freeze over. "You think it's exhausting? Then how do you think he's feeling?"

"Well, I don't know but…" Hikaru raised his eyes from the board, frowning. "How hard can it be?"

"How hard?" A moment Touya just stared at him. Then he stood up, his chair scratching the floor. "Come with me and I'll show you."

He walked into a backroom, and with a hesitating glance toward Ichikawa Hikaru followed him.

Touya sat down by a computer, made a quick search, and then stood up, gesturing to Hikaru to sit down.

"What…?" Hikaru shot a confused look at the screen and looked then up at Akira.

"If you're so confused, didn't it ever cross your mind to do some research? C'mon, read!" He pointed at the screen and, slightly annoyed, Hikaru turned to it.

"A Girl Named Steve," he muttered, and started reading, grimacing a little at the word clitoris in the very first sentence. "You want me to read some porn, huh?" he tried joking, but Touya stayed quiet, watching him with that cold look, and he read on. Slowly his face drew quite blank, though, and then, troubled. The frown on his forehead was deep when he was done.

"But…" he said, and left it at that.

"That story could easily be about Sai," Touya said quietly.

Hikaru swallowed. "But," he repeated, but didn't manage to continue now either.

"So, what do you think?"

Hikaru just shook his head. He couldn't think.

Touya sighed. "Well, I guess that's enough education for today," he said. "Please tell Sai that if he needs any help, he just has to ask. And… that I miss playing with him."

"Online go," Hikaru said, eyes still not quite focusing on anything.

"What?" Touya frowned at him. "I don't…"

"He said something about online go yesterday. World Igo Net, or something?"

Touya paused. "Sai plays net go?" He all but pushed Hikaru away. It didn't take him long to get on the right site and register himself. And sure enough, there among the users currently online, was SAI.

It took Touya but a moment to figure out how to send a game request. He'd barely pushed the button when he got a reply from Sai.

Touya? Is that really you?

Yes. Shindou told me you 're here.

Great! Let 's play!

"Mind if I watch?" Hikaru asked. Touya made a movement with his head which could as well be a nod or a shake, and shrugging Hikaru took a chair and sat down.

A game between Sai and Touya was something that normally would have held his attention quite firmly, but this time he found himself unable to really follow it. He watched Touya's face and wondered what was going on inside his head – how was he able to be so fully swept away by a game at a time like this? He gave a quiet snort to himself, wondering how one ended up as obsessed as this guy. Well, okay, sure enough, he too did enjoy go nowadays, and perhaps he was growing a tad obsessed too, for he really wouldn't have wanted to spend a whole day without getting a single game, but… Touya took that obsession to the power of ten.

Like now. There he sat, playing, as if nothing else mattered in the world than go. Hikaru thought about what he had said before, that Touya wouldn't care if Sai was a green Martian as long as he kept on playing, and felt a little jealous. He wished he too would be able to take it all so matter-of-factly. Didn't any of this truly bother Touya at all? If it did, he surely did a good job hiding it.

He stood up. "I'm going," he said, but it looked like Touya didn't even hear him. A moment he still stared at the screen and their game, and turned than away and walked out of the room.

"Oh, Shindou-kun!" Ichikawa exclaimed when he passed her counter. "So you were still here. I was wondering how you could leave without me noticing. Is Akira still there?"

"Yeah," he mumbled. "In the backroom. Playing net go with Sai."

"Net go!" Ichikawa sounded delighted. "That's a great idea, if Sai-kun can't come here! Too bad I can't go to watch… Bye, Shindou-kun!" she shouted after him as he walked out, not even hearing her as he desperately tried to somehow organize his thoughts.

Hikaru did not get his thoughts into any kind of order on the way home. Only one thing was getting annoyingly clear to him – he should apologize to Sai.

It was easier said than done, though. At school, Sai seemed to be actively avoiding him, and as he didn't want to bring the matter up when there were others around, somehow the whole day passed without him getting a chance to talk with Sai.

Sai's last class would be P.E. Hikaru knew the P.E. teacher would not let them leave a minute earlier, last class or not, and as they'd have to go to change the clothes first, he should have a chance to catch Sai before he'd leave the school. He'd follow the boy out and talk with him outside the school, if that was what it'd take.

Plan completed, he rushed out the moment math class ended. Some boys of Sai's class were already coming out of the changing rooms as he reached the place.

"Hey, is Fujiwara still there?" he asked them in passing.

"He stayed to help the teacher to put everything away," the boys replied. "Should be coming soon."

He had to wait a while, but finally Sai appeared from the direction of the P.E. hall. Sai stopped, noticing him.

Hikaru nodded, suddenly strangely self-conscious. "Umm, I…" he started but paused, as some of Sai's classmates passed them. "I'd like to talk with you," he muttered then, staring at the floor.

"Wait a moment, I'll change first," Sai said quietly. Hikaru nodded again, still not looking up. Sai entered the changing room, and Hikaru leaned against the wall and waited.

And waited. More boys left, but there was no sign of Sai. He bit his thumbnail. Did Sai somehow slip away so that he didn't notice? He couldn't believe he'd have somehow missed the boy. What was taking him so long?

The door opened and yet two boys came out, but still no Sai.

"Is Fujiwara there?" he asked them, and they nodded.

"I think he's in the toilet," one said.

Hikaru sighed and leaned again against the wall. Just how long was it going to take? Minutes stretched by impossible slowly, and there came no sound from the other side of the door. It wasn't the first time he'd been waiting for Sai to get ready, but this had to be a new record. But… if Sai was alone in the dressing room he might as well go in and talk with him there, without anyone bothering them. Besides, who knew if there actually was anyone there, and he was waiting in vain.

That thought in mind Hikaru flung the door open.

...

Hikaru wasn't the only one with a plan this day. Sai had offered to help the teacher just to give his classmates some time to leave. For the same reason he took his time heading to the changing rooms, and seeing there still were some people there, he went into the toilet. He sat there, waiting, listening to the sounds, and thinking of Hikaru.

What did the boy want? He had been strangely subdued there in the corridor. They hadn't spoken during the whole school day – though that had been Sai's choice. It wasn't really that he'd still be angry at Hikaru, but… he just didn't feel like he had the energy to deal with the boy's constant probing and more or less insensitive questions. He knew they couldn't continue like this, though. Perhaps it was a good idea to have a chat, if Hikaru – for once – would actually try to understand.

Once the last voices faded away Sai waited still a moment, and opened then the toilet door. The room was empty. He stepped out, sighing. One P.E. class down, a gazillion to go. But at least he'd survived this one without an incident. Next week, then… he changed his pants and wondered what to do next week. Maybe he should take his shirt into toilet and change there? But if he did something like that every time, surely people would start paying attention to it. There were already comments on how he had started skipping the shower. With yet another sigh he pulled the P.E. shirt off. He'd have to be careful, that was all.

He had just grasped his shirt when sudden noise behind his back made him spun around.

"Sai! What's taking you so long? You're slower than Akari!"

Grasping his shirt against his chest Sai stared in horror at the boy standing in the doorway. Had he seen? Hikaru was watching him with a strange expression, but he couldn't quite figure out what it meant.

Sai opened and closed his mouth, attempting to find his tongue. When he finally did, all that came out was a loud "Get out!" Hikaru's eyes widened a bit in startlement and he took a step forward, looking as if about to say something. "I told you to wait! Get out!" Sai shouted, clutching his shirt as if his life depended on it. Hikaru stood frozen a moment and turned then on his heels. The door slammed close behind his back, and a long while Sai stood staring at it, not believing that something like this could truly happen. Then he pulled quickly the shirt on and ran to the door, but there was no sign left of Hikaru behind it.

...

What the hell was that about? Hikaru fumed as he marched angrily away. There he was, trying to make amends, and instead he got yelled at over nothing. One could imagine he'd been trying to enter girls' dressing room or something.

…Sai was seriously taking this identity crisis thing way too far, he thought with a snort.

Though… He paused in the middle of the school yard and glanced hesitantly behind. Sai was prone to overreact, but it really wasn't like him to flip like that without any reason. The image was clear in Hikaru's mind – wide eyes, the way he'd clutched onto his shirt…

Hikaru shook his head and told himself to move on. He should just go home and forget all about it. Sai was simply being weird again – what else was new? Still he hesitated, his feet disobeying him, and he ended up going to the park opposite the school, where he slumped down on a bench.

He thought about that online text Touya had shown him. That story could easily be about Sai, the boy had said. Hikaru flinched a little. He remembered what the writer had told about his – her? – puberty. Of all that happened and didn't happen. He had been quite weirded out when he read it, and he couldn't help feeling Touya was exaggerating. All those things couldn't really have anything to do with Sai. Like that gyne-whatever-thing. Surely Sai would have mentioned something…

…or would he? Hikaru flinched again. He remembered suddenly that even though he loved swimming, for some reason Sai hadn't come to swim a single time during last summer, or after it – somehow he had missed all swimming classes they'd had in school so far. "Shit," he muttered again, and wanted to bang his head against something. How hadn't he realized that something was wrong?

Then again, he reminded himself, he still knew nothing. He was just assuming things. But… thinking how Sai had behaved… this made too much sense.

What should he do, then? Just pretend he knew nothing? Sai would probably see through him. It'd be awkward. And if Sai was mad at him to begin with… He leaned against his knees, head hanging. Could he just ignore it all? Maybe if he just let time pass they'd get over it, without him having to do anything about it.

He looked up, toward the school. Maybe he should go to check if Sai was still there. He should say something light, apologize about the earlier, and leave it at that. Surely Sai would take the hint and just forget this incident.

There was no sign of Sai anywhere at school. He was, in truth, relieved. It crossed his mind that Sai might have gone to the go club – these days almost always some people met there after school. He headed that way. At the door he paused and took a quick glance around – a few people, but no Sai. He stepped in. Might as well play a game or two now that he was there. "Hi!"

The others looked up from their games, nodding at him. "Hi, Shindou-kun."

He dropped down his backpack and was about to take a seat. "Would you play…" he started to ask Koike, the only one not playing at the moment, but Natsume stood suddenly up.

"Could you wait a moment," he said to Kaneko who he had been playing with. He turned to Hikaru, looking serious. "Could I have a word with you?"

"Sure." Hikaru stood up again, wondering what it was about, and followed Natsume into the corridor. "What is it?"

"I saw Fujiwara-kun on my way here," Natsume said quietly. "I said hi but I don't think he even noticed me. Do you know if something's happened? It…" he dropped his voice even lower. "It seemed to me he was crying."

"Oh." Hikaru bit his lip. Then he forced out a laugh. "Well, you know him. He's always so oversensitive. I'm sure… it's nothing. But…" He paused and hesitated, not looking at Natsume. "But maybe I'll check on him, just in case," he finished. "Sorry, I gotta go," he called into the club room, and ran away.

Damn it all, he thought to himself as he again walked out of the school. And damn Sai. Why did he always have to be overreacting about everything? Coming to the street he paused. If Sai was going home, he probably was already at the subway station, and he'd never catch up with him. It might be best to call.

He jogged all the way home, getting a little out of breath. He had left the soccer club after joining the go club, and he was apparently beginning to get a bit out of shape. "Mom!" he shouted the moment he came in. "I really need to get that cell phone!"

She emerged from the kitchen with a dish towel and a plate in her hands. "What? Hikaru?" She watched as her son ran to the phone, with a mild feeling of déjà-vu. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Hikaru said and started dialing Sai's number. He let the phone ring until the call went to voicemail, and he slammed the phone down and dialed the number again. On the third try, just when he was thinking that maybe he really should leave a message, Sai finally picked up.

"Yes?"

Hikaru breathed out hearing Sai's voice, more relieved than he would have thought. "Finally! Why don't you answer your damn phone! Listen, I… I just wanted to say I'm sorry, okay? I mean, I was going to say I was sorry about yesterday, and now I'm sorry about today too, and, and… I don't want you to be mad at me anymore, so are you?"

There was a moment's silence at the other end. Then Sai gave a strange sound that possibly might have been a smothered laugh. "Hikaru, you're such a goof. No, I'm… I'm not mad at you. Well, maybe just a little. But…" he hesitated, and went then on, in a very small voice, "I just… I mean, if you… you still want to be friends with me?"

"What!" Hikaru exclaimed. "Why wouldn't I, don't be stupid. I just…" He glanced over his shoulder and saw his mother still watching him from the kitchen's doorway. He turned back to the phone. "Hey, maybe we should talk tomorrow, okay? At school?"

Sai made another strange sound. "I don't know," he said, his voice a little hiccuppy, and Hikaru wondered if he really had been crying – once again. "I… couldn't we meet yet today? I don't want to talk about this at school…"

"Sure, but… aren't you still grounded? Can I come to your place?"

"No," Sai said now much more firmly. "I don't want to talk about this there, either. Besides, I'm already late going home, so it doesn't matter. How about the park? Could we meet there?"

"Yeah. If you're sure it's okay for you."

"It's fine."

As Hikaru went to put his shoes back on, his mother gave him a long look. "Hikaru? Is Sai-kun coming over tonight too?"

"What?" He blinked at her. "Why? No, I don't think so. He's still grounded."

"Just checking… I don't mind having him over, of course, but I'd prefer getting to know about it a little earlier."

"Jeez mom, don't be stupid! Why'd he be coming here now?" His shoelaces tied, Hikaru jumped up. "I'll just meet him shortly."

His mother nodded. "Don't be late for supper."

Hikaru jogged to the park, and arrived there before Sai. He sat down on that bench where he had found Sai last time, and waited. It didn't take long before Sai too arrived and sat beside him.

A moment they just sat there, both of them staring at the pond in front of them, careful not to look at each other.

"So," Sai said finally. "It's a bit… awkward."

"Yeah," Hikaru said with half a laugh, half a snort. "A bit."

"So, did you…" Sai started, voice hesitant. "…see?" he finished, muttering so quietly Hikaru barely heard him. That all but confirmed the boy's suspicions, though.

"No," he said shortly. "But I… think I sort of figured things out." He too stared at the ground, not feeling like facing Sai right then.

"Oh," Sai said, very quietly. A while they sat in silence. "You really mean it?" Sai asked then. "That we… are still friends?"

Now Hikaru gave a real snort. "Of course I mean it! Don't be stupid. I just…" He paused, watched his hands on his lap. "It's all so weird. I just don't know what to say. You know, to… make it… alright."

Sai let out a deep breath. "You don't have to say anything," he said quietly. "It's enough if you just… if you…" He sniffed, and glancing at him Hikaru saw there was something wet glistening in his eyes.

"Sai, c'mon! Don't start bawling again, okay?"

"I'm sorry," Sai sniffed. He placed a hand on Hikaru's and squeezed it hard. "I was… scared. That I was going to lose you. That you wouldn't want to hang out with some kind of a freak…"

Inside Hikaru felt the awkward reach new heights, but he gave Sai's hand a pat or two with his other hand, muttering yet once, "Don't be stupid," not knowing what else to say.

Sai's sniffing increased, and he leaned his forehead against Hikaru's shoulder, beginning to cry in earnest. Hikaru patted his hand again, and as that didn't seem to work, he finally pulled his other hand free and placed it on Sai's shoulders. "Okay now," he muttered. "Isn't that enough?"

Sai took yet a couple of weepy gasps, shoulders shaking, and hugged him then, hard. "Thanks," he mumbled, voice smothered against Hikaru's shoulder.

"You're welcome," Hikaru said for the lack of anything else to say.

Finally Sai let go of him and pulled back. "I know you probably must find it really weird," he said, not looking at Hikaru. "But it's all, I mean it's because, you know, the hormones, or, or something, and…"

"It's okay," Hikaru cut him off. "I've read something about it, I mean not really about it, but something that mentioned it, and I… I kinda know. Kinda. That is, yeah." He felt himself blushing. "You don't need to explain anything, okay?" he muttered, trying to make the heat on his cheeks go away.

"Okay."

A moment they sat again in silence, watching the pond. "I think I should be going," Sai said then, but didn't move yet.

Hikaru glanced at him. "Will your parents be angry?"

"Probably." Sai sighed. "Don't worry about that."

Silence stretched again. Then, "How's it going at school?"

Sai understood what he meant without asking. "No one's noticed – yet. But I'm pretty sure they will notice some day."

"Yeah." He stared ahead, a glum look on his face. "Let me know if anything happens. If anyone's laughing at you, I'll… I'll…"

"Yes?" Sai looked at him, questioningly.

"I dunno! I'll beat them up?" Hikaru glanced at him and grinned, a bit embarrassed.

Sai gave a laugh and touched his arm lightly. "Thanks. But I really need to go now." He stood up, and Hikaru rose too.

"See you tomorrow?"

"See you!"

...

When Sai arrived home he found his parents waiting for him.

"Where have you been, young man?" his father snarled the moment he came in.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Sai said, deciding to ignore his father's choice of words. "I was delayed, meeting people from the go club." Technically, that was just half a lie. Hikaru was in the go club, wasn't he?

The look on his father's face said he didn't quite believe him. To his surprise, Sai realized he didn't really care. The worst they could do? Prolong his grounding? He found himself surprisingly indifferent.

"We were thinking about ending your grounding soon," his mother said sadly, as if reading his mind. "But now… If you were just delayed at school, you could have called us. Why didn't you?"

Sai shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't come to think of it." Which was quite true. He'd had way too much on his mind to think of such things.

"Your mother is right, that is what we thought," his father said glumly. "But now, you'll be grounded yet next week – at least. And no internet or phone."

Damn. He hadn't thought of that. "But then I can't play…" he started before thinking, and fell suddenly silent.

"Play what?" his mother asked.

"Net go," he said with a sigh. "I just found it."

"Is that why you've been spending so much time by the computer past few days? Too much time, I'd say. It's just good for you to have a little break."

Sai couldn't really agree with that.

"May I call Akira?" he said. "We'd agreed to play tonight, and…"

"Akira?" his father echoed with a frown. "Do you mean that Touya? Since when has he become 'Akira' to you?"

"He's always been that," Sai said, mentally cursing himself. What's with all these slips of the tongue? He really needed to start thinking what he was saying. "I prefer calling my friends by their given names, it doesn't mean anything. I think of Shindou as Hikaru too, just like Akari's just Akari, and so on…"

His mother had that expression that said she had a headache coming.

"No internet, and no phone," his father said strictly. "Give it to me."

"But…"

"No buts." He reached out his hand, demanding, and Sai dug out his phone and gave it to him.

"Go to your room," his father said, switching it off. "And think there, carefully, about your behavior. You'd better cut this rebelling right at the beginning."

Rebelling? Sai thought glumly as he marched to his room. You've no idea what it's like when I start rebelling.

...

The idea of rebelling, once it had crossed Sai's mind, was surprisingly tempting. The problem was, he soon realized, that he didn't have any idea what it was like, either. How did one 'rebel', in the first place? Should he start smoking or using alcohol or something like that? That was just stupid. It took him over a week to get his first idea.

One day he was just leaving from school, thinking about maybe spending some time at a bookshop on the way home now that he finally wasn't grounded anymore, when a loud "hey!" behind his back made him startle. He glanced over his shoulder, and to his surprise saw Kaga – he hadn't seen the older boy much recently. He had to be busy studying, as his last year in middle school was reaching its end in just a few months.

"Been a while," Kaga went on. "I heard you were cutting classes the other day, just like that."

Sai sighed. Apparently when a straight A's student did something like that everyone would soon know. "Yeah. Long story."

"Got some trouble?" Sai gave him an expressionless look, and he went on, shrugging, "None of my business, I guess. You just look kinda down."

"I do? Well, it's… nothing." Nothing I care to discuss about, anyway, he added in his mind.

"So, how's the go club going?"

"Oh, fine, thanks. It's still not big, but there are some new members, and it does feel like a real club nowadays."

"Isn't that nice." Kaga gave him yet one thoughtful look, and somewhat ill at ease Sai pushed few loose strands of hair behind his ear and gave him a bit forced smile.

"It was nice seeing you, Kaga-san. It'd be fun to play a game with you some day, if you…" A new thought dawned to him, and he forgot what he had been saying. Hesitantly he fingered his ear, and he wondered if there was any point to ask.

"Kaga-san…?"

"Yeah?"

"You wouldn't know any place where I could get my ears pierced?"

Kaga stared at him. "Pierced?" He barked out a short laugh. "You're full of surprises!"

"Well, I've always wanted to do that, but my parents didn't agree, and I…" Sai felt himself blushing a little. "Do you know any place? Where I could go without my parents?"

"Even more full of surprises than I would have guessed." Kaga smiled a little. "But what about the school? They don't allow piercings for boys, you know. And you need to let them heal, so you can't just take them off for school time."

"Oh." Sai was genuinely disappointed. "I didn't come to think of that. Maybe I'll have to wait for the summer break…"

"That would best. You'll need at least one month for the piercings to heal, preferably two. Summer break might be just about long enough."

"I guess." Sai suppressed a sigh. He had had time to grow quite excited about the idea, but it was one thing to rebel at home; he didn't want to get in trouble at school. "First day of summer vacation, then," he said firmly. "I'll do it then."

Kaga shook his head, looking amused. "Well, I can check out some places. But… I'd just like to remind you, you're the one who owes me a favor, not the other way round."

Sai's eyes widened a little. He had completely forgotten about it. "The go tournament," he breathed. "Yeah, that… so what do you want?"

"Oh, I don't know yet." Kaga gave a wave with his hand and went his way. "I'll tell you when I know."

...

So piercings didn't come to question, at least not yet. That truly made him disappointed – for one thing, this was something he really wanted, and for another, it would have been quite perfect for his purposes. How hadn't he come to think of the school regulations? Maybe it was partly because the rather relaxed atmosphere at Haze – after all, he didn't believe there were many schools that would have allowed him to keep his long hair.

What else could he do, then, if piercings were out?

The lipstick returned to his mind, unbidden. Remembering the sales assistant's mistake still made him uncomfortable. If he took onto wearing make-up, that kind of mistakes would just repeat themselves…

Or was it a mistake, a little voice whispered in the back of his mind. Couldn't one as well say that those calling him a boy were mistaken?

"I am a boy," he muttered aloud. "Much more a boy than a girl, anyway," he amended after a while. "…I think," he added then, and stopped, sighing.

He didn't feel like going home. He thought about finding an internet cafe and playing a game (or two) of online go, or possibly going to see if Akira was at the go salon (most likely) though they hadn't planned to meet then, or then perhaps calling Hikaru… but for some reason he didn't feel like playing go right then.

He wandered off to a cafe, an ordinary one, and ordered a tea. As he sat at a corner table he phoned quickly his parents – he might not be grounded anymore, but they wanted to know where he was every moment he was away from home. He told them simply that the chilly weather had made him want something hot to drink, and so he'd stopped at a cafe on the way home. Briefly he wondered how easily these half-lies passed his lips these days; he didn't even have to think about it.

His mother told him worriedly to be careful not to catch a cold, and he almost felt a twinge of conscience. Almost. "Should I come to pick you up?" she asked then, and he rolled his eyes at the empty wall, slowly and deliberately.

"Mother! Just because I said it's a bit chilly doesn't mean you need to come to rescue me!"

"I was merely thinking of your best," she said, a little offended. Aren't you always, Sai wanted to say, but instead he just apologized and ended the call quietly.

He held his tea cup with both hands, warming his fingers – it truly was a cold day – deep in thought. Then he grasped the phone again.

Some numbers he had not saved on it – he had memorized them. Shizuku no kai's was one. He called it and waited, heart throbbing. Finally a male voice answered, someone he didn't know.

"Umm… is Inui-san there?" he asked after a short hesitation.

"Yes, just a moment." He waited, licking nervously his lips, a finger tapping the table; the tea completely forgotten.

"Hello?" Shizue's voice said then. "This is Inui Shizue."

"Hi," he said quietly. "It's… Fujiwara Sai here."

"Sai-kun!" Shizue sounded genuinely delighted. "It's been so long, how are you doing? I've been worried about you!"

"Oh?" He blinked. It hadn't been that long, just… nearly a month, he realized. "I'm… sorry, I just… I thought about coming over again, but somehow, that is… I did read stuff on the net site and so, but…" He couldn't really say for sure why he had never gone to visit the place again.

"It's alright," Shizue said with a small laugh. "It's not like you had any obligation to come here. I'm just happy to hear from you again. How is it going for you? Did you visit doctor Adachi? …if you don't mind me asking."

"No, not at all. We did visit him. I liked him. I'm not sure if my parents did."

"Are you still having trouble with your parents over this?"

"I…" Sai paused. He glanced at the nearby tables which luckily were mainly empty. There were three girls at one table, but they were talking about something so animatedly that they most likely wouldn't notice anything as long as he kept it quiet. "Yeah, I guess. They – or at least my father, I'm not sure about mother, want me to start androgen therapy. But…"

"Don't you want it, then?" Shizue asked when he didn't continue.

"I… don't know. I thought I would, I mean, when we went to visit the doctor I was happy and I thought he'd help to fix everything and make me normal, but…"

"Sai-kun," Shizue cut him off, "You are normal. You don't need to be 'fixed'. If you're not sure whether you want to start the medication, that's perfectly fine. I'd recommend having a word with your doctor, but most likely there is no reason why you couldn't leave it for later, if that's what you want. And if that later never comes, that's your choice, too. Just remember that you're a unique person – exactly like anyone else in this world."

"Yeah." He swallowed. "Thanks. It's just not… easy. To be unique in a different way."

"That it isn't." Shizue agreed. "How's it going with your friends? And in school?"

"My friends are okay," Sai said, thinking about Hikaru. He could see that the boy was still a little awkward in his company – but he also saw how hard Hikaru struggled trying to hide it and behave normally, and his clumsiness about it was overall a little endearing. "They're the only ones who know."

"The two who were with you? What about your classmates?" He said nothing, and after a while Shizue went on, "I know it feels difficult, and it's not like you should tell everything to every passer-by, but just remember that… if you're caught trying to hide something, if you behave as if you consider it a shameful secret, it might make things worse for you in the end."

Sai was quiet a very long while, and there was silence at the other end too.

"Well," Shizue said then. "Drop in some day, if you're in the area, okay? If you feel like it. And… we're actually planning a little get-together some time in the spring, if you want to meet others. We'll put info about it on the website, once we've got something definite."

"Okay," Sai said. "Thanks. It was… good, talking to you again."

"Yeah, it was." He was pretty sure he could hear a smile in her voice. "Bye."

"Bye."

Once the call was over he put his phone away and finally started to drink his tea – now lukewarm, but he was so deep in thought he didn't even notice. He had too many questions. He had to have at least some of them answered – even if he was afraid of the answers. That fear, he thought to himself, a little shamed, was probably why he hadn't mentioned to Shizue the one thing that was troubling him most these days. She might have known something about it, how likely or unlikely it was that he—

And what's the point, he asked himself, cutting off that line of thought, to ask about percentages? Anything would still be possible. But perhaps, nevertheless, he should go to see a doctor about this.

Sai went home, still quiet and thoughtful, and finding both his parents there decided he should stop putting things off.

"Mother," he started, deciding it was best not name the real issue on his mind yet. "Father. I've been thinking about the androgen therapy, and I'm getting quite sure I don't want to start it yet. But I'd like to talk with a doctor before making any decisions."

"Certainly if you want we can go to visit…" her mother began, while his father was merely watching him with a frown from his chair.

"I want to go alone," Sai cut her off. "I want to see doctor Adachi, and I want to do it on my own."

"Why?" His mother sounded genuinely confused. "I've always been there with you, why not this time?"

"Because it's just too awkward!" Sai exclaimed exasperated. How could she not see? "I want to speak with him freely and privately!"

"Surely you can speak freely in the presence of your own mother," his father put in. "And if you are to visit any doctor, it will be doctor Akimoto."

"No," Sai said, shaking his head firmly. "I don't want to go to him. I won't go to him!"

"Now listen to me—" his father began, rising to his feet, but Sai wasn't in the mood for listening.

"Why can't you listen to me for a change!" he exclaimed, cutting off his father – a first, and something he normally would have found nearly unthinkable. "Can't you get it that I don't want to see a doctor who lied to me!"

"Do not yell at your parents," his father said sharply, and he let out an exasperated hiss.

"Why do you just hear the how I say, and not what I say?" he asked tiredly. "I don't…" He paused, taking in his father's flushed, angry face, the way his mother held her hand at her temple – probably getting a migraine again. "Forget it," he whispered. "This is pointless, isn't it? I'll go to do my homework. And I'm not starting that therapy yet."

He walked upstairs, not listening to his parents' objections. "Do you want to get grounded again?" he heard his father's voice when he closed the door of his room behind his back. "You can only have me grounded if I let you," he muttered to himself, and paused, a little surprised. True enough – if he decided he'd go out, would they be able to stop him? Not without locking him into his room.

"And if I decide to go to meet the doctor, what can they do about that, either?" he mused to himself, a plan beginning to formulate in his mind.

That evening, after showering, he paused to take a careful look on himself in the mirror. His image stared back at him; a strange creature not quite a boy but still definitely not a girl, caught somewhere in-between. "Just what are you supposed to be?" he whispered to it but, unsurprisingly, got no reply.

Next day after school he called his parents, telling them he would stay for a while at the meeting of the go club. Instead he headed out to the hospital where doctor Adachi worked.

As one could have guessed, there were no open slots for an appointment that day. Sai decided still to stay at the hospital, sitting in a place where he could watch the door to the doctor's room, wishing to catch at least a word with him. It seemed to be in vain, though, for although he every now and then caught a glimpse of the doctor as he called in a new patient, the doctor didn't seem to notice him.

And, Sai wondered, even if he did, what then? What would he say? It had been so simple when he'd thought about it, but now that he actually was there he wasn't anymore sure what he was doing. He thought of getting up and going, before the nurses who were giving him long looks would come to ask what he wanted, but… that would be giving up. If he left now, he didn't know if he'd find the resolve to come back.

So he sat there, hunched down and worried, and when a nurse did ask him if he needed help he just gave her a quick smile and said he was waiting for someone.

Then a patient left and a new one didn't enter the room. A short while passed, and then the door finally opened and the doctor stepped out, a coat on his shoulders and a briefcase in his hand, clearly ready to go home. Sai stood quickly up but, suddenly frightened and still not knowing what to do, didn't move.

Doctor Adachi closed the door, adjusted his coat and took a step to go, but then he noticed the boy and paused, surprised.

"Fujiwara-kun, is it?" he said. "What are you doing here?"

"I…I just wanted… to see you," Sai got out, trying not to choke on his nervousness.

"You don't have an appointment, do you?" The doctor looked behind the boy, watching the empty corridors. "What about your parents?"

"I came alone," Sai muttered, and the doctor sighed.

"Look, I can understand it would be easier for you to talk about everything without them around, but you shouldn't sneak out to meet doctors secretly like this. You didn't tell them you're coming here, did you?" He sighed again as Sai shook his head and started walking. "Come, let's make a proper reservation and…"

"Wait!" Sai cut him off hurriedly, fearing he'd really just go his way. "There… there's just one thing I'd like to ask…"

"Yes?"

"Ih-it's…" His voice cracked and he cleared his throat, glancing nervously over his shoulder. He saw one nurse watching them, and dropped his voice to a whisper. "I just… do you think… might I be infertile?"

The doctor looked down at him, face impassive. After a short silence he gestured to Sai to follow, and returned to his room.

"By the look on your face," he said when Sai closed the door, "you seem to know the likelihood is quite high."

"I read about it online," Sai said quietly. "It said that grades 3 to 7 are always infertile, but that… that grades 1 and 2… may be…"

Doctor Adachi gave him a long, serious look. "It's true that grade 2 doesn't always mean infertility, but like I said, it is still highly likely. Fast majority of all men with PAIS, including also those with mild AIS, are infertile."

Sai swallowed. "I've been thinking about it," he muttered, not looking at the doctor. "I guess I could live with it. I mean, many people do, don't they…"

The doctor watched him quietly a moment. "It is impossible to say anything with certainty as long as your sperm production hasn't started. And you do realize that without androgen therapy that might never happen?"

Sai stared at his hands. Of course. He did know that, though he had tried not to think of it much. This wasn't just a question of appearances. If he chose to do nothing, or perhaps even… 'go the other way'… he'd be giving up any chance of ever having children of his blood.

But even if he did start the therapy, there apparently was no guarantee that it would change anything in this regard…

"Listen," the doctor said suddenly, startling Sai awake from his thoughts. "These are difficult matters. Nowadays, when a child is diagnosed with an intersex condition, psychotherapy is usually recommended for the whole family."

Sai gave a little laugh. "Father would flip if I told him he needs psychotherapy," he muttered.

"One more thing to prove it might be useful," the doctor stated flatly. "I was mainly thinking of you, though. I would strongly recommend that you talked these things through with a professional."

"I… don't know. Maybe… some day?" For some reason, Sai didn't feel that eager about the idea.

The doctor nodded. He took a piece of paper from a drawer and offered it to Sai. "If you ever feel like it, give this number a call."

"Thanks." Sai put the paper into his backpack. Then he hesitated a moment before continuing. "Actually, there's one more thing… if I started the androgen therapy, would it make this… this gyn-gynec…" his tongue tripped over the strange word, "gynecomastia go away?"

He could practically feel the doctor's eyes on him, and his cheeks turned hot.

"It would stop it," doctor Adachi replied. "Though depending on the stage, it might require other medication, perhaps even surgery, to make it fully 'go away', as you put it." He paused for a moment. "Have you considered starting the therapy?"

"I don't know," Sai sighed. "I… both want to, and don't want to. I just… don't know."

The doctor sighed too, and took off his coat. "Perhaps we should talk more, about all the options you have," he said, sitting down, and gestured to Sai to sit too.

...

He never told his parents about that visit to the doctor, nor did he mention anything about psychotherapy. He did, nevertheless, bring up the matter of infertility right when he came home. It was the most brilliant way to distract them from the sermon he was about to receive, having been away from home much longer than he had told them. Seeing the look on his mother's face gave him a strange, twisted sense of somewhat guilty pleasure – she was truly shocked.

"With the therapy you are so reluctant to start…" his father started.

"There's no guarantee about anything, with or without any therapy! That's what I just told you! Most likely even if I start it, nothing's going to change in that regard. I wonder if that family doctor of ours who's so great in your eyes was ever going to mention anything about this to me." Suddenly angry, he turned on his heels and headed to his room. He could practically feel his father's glare on his back and could imagine what he would normally say about his tone and disrespectful words, but surprisingly the man remained quiet.

I asked him, he thought to himself, and not for the first time. I asked him if everything was ok, and he lied to me. At least doctor Adachi had now explained things to him, so that he didn't have to rely only on internet as a source of information.

A/N: I can't put links here, but you can always google these, or then go to see this fic on AO3 where I could post the links.

Man with Klinefelter's syndrome:
Caught Between: An Essay on Intersexuality by D. Cameron

(Btw, as you see, I shamelessly stole the title from this…)
This is on a special issue on intersexuality in a journal called Chrysalis, and as you see, there are also many other life stories from intersexed people.

Girl with Swyer's syndrome the one with severely ambiguous genitalia:
I'm sorry, but I can't find these anymore online. I think they were possibly on the same publication as the following, and it's gone from the net.

"A Girl Named Steve" / the woman with PAIS whose story Sai is reading in the beginning:
This, too has disappeared (I still have the link, but the website is down.) It was on a journal called Libido: A Journal of Sex and Sensibility (2011). But I found basically the same text elsewhere, with different title: Still I Rise by Lynnell Stephani Long. Starts on page 100 (there might be some differences, but those parts I remember are pretty much the same)
There are also other writings from intersexed people in that publication too.

...

...according to my keyboard, Sai wanted to play an "aaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmazing game." I'm not sure what happened there, but I think my keyboard is exaggerating. Or perhaps not?