Chapter 7
On the day after his visit to doctor Adachi Sai stayed home from school. He had slept badly, his dreams nothing but nightmares which he (thankfully) couldn't quite remember. He drifted through that day at home, without any focus, and then he realized it was Thursday.
After short consideration he sent Akira a message, saying he was a bit sick and probably wouldn't be coming to the study group yet. He had come up with an excuse to skip it last week too, and he was beginning to feel a little guilty about this. In truth, he missed those sessions, but he couldn't imagine going there. Everyone would certainly wonder where he had been, ask questions. Akira would be there too, and he knew. He was sure Akira would never say anything, but the idea of trying to lie his way out of answering all those questions with Akira right next to him was too uncomfortable.
Akira replied promptly, wishing him to get well soon. Hikaru called too, and claiming he just had a mild cold and a headache he ended the call short. The latter, at least, was true.
The next day he forced himself to go to school, and spent the day desperately waiting for it to end. Weekend came, and he spent it home, turning down both Hikaru and Akira who asked if he wanted to come over. He agreed to play some net go with Akira, though, but regretted it when Akira asked him directly if something was wrong. Sai didn't even know what to answer to that question, so he said nothing.
The only time during that weekend when he for a short moment forgot his worries was when Hikaru suddenly showed up on World Igo Net, challenging him to a game. I'm so happy you're here! You can learn so much in this place, he sent to Hikaru, and that was true. He was happy, but as soon as the thrill of seeing Hikaru online had faded away, that gnawing feeling deep in his guts returned. He signed off after their game, telling Hikaru to play as much as he could.
Sunday evening his father told him, quite strictly, that they would all go to meet doctor Akimoto the next day to 'discuss things', and, too tired to argue, Sai conceded. At his mother's suggestion he skipped that day of school as well. As he had suspected, the main thing on his parents' mind during this visit was the question of potential future grandchildren. The look on the doctor's face told him everything, and he wanted to stand up and walk away, just walk away from it all, but instead he sat passively down between his parents and let them again do the talking without even listening.
His mother started crying at some point, he noticed, and he felt strangely guilty. No matter how annoyed he had been with her, he had never wanted to hurt her.
"It's alright, mother," he heard himself saying. "There's always adoption."
No one said anything for a moment. They all just watched him, and a moment he wondered if he had said something stupid. He didn't think so, but something was off.
Then doctor Akimoto cleared his throat. The sound was strangely loud and unpleasant to Sai's ears, and again he wished he could just leave.
"This must have been quite a shock for you, Sadao-kun," the doctor said, and he frowned. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but he didn't want to talk about it with this particular doctor. "I think it would be best if you met with a therapist, who could help you to deal with all this."
Sai blinked. Was he talking about psychotherapy, like doctor Adachi? He still had that piece of paper with the number to call buried in his backpack. He thought he would rather use that if need be, than anything doctor Akimoto could arrange.
"Thank you, but there's no need. I'm okay."
He could see that at least his mother didn't believe him, but so what? The doctor didn't stress the point, just told them to call if they needed anything, and they went home.
His mother suggested he could stay home a few more days and he considered it, but decided in the end to go to school. A few days wouldn't change much and it wasn't like he could stay home forever because of this. Hikaru and Akari were clearly waiting for him when he arrived at school. He greeted them with a smile, and asked Akari how the go club was going. He truly was sorry he hadn't been able to go there for such a long time. Akari and Hikaru shared a look but said nothing, and Akari started telling him the latest news from the club.
Hikaru attempted talking with him alone during the break, asking him if he was okay and if him having been sick had something to do with you-know-what, but Sai didn't really answer his questions. He thought he probably should tell Hikaru. Still, he didn't want to talk about it yet, and not in school, of all places. Besides, he didn't quite himself understand why the mater of not being able to have children was weighing so heavily on his mind. Did he even want any? So he just smiled and shook his head and didn't really reply.
The days passed, and suddenly it was Thursday again. First time for a long while he didn't have any kind of an excuse not to attend the Meijin's study group – his mother even told him that it was fine if he wanted to go there again. He assumed that was just because she was trying to cheer him up, and he didn't really have heart to tell her he didn't want to go. Now he found himself hovering at the gate, wondering if it was too late to back away, call them and say he was still feeling a little sick or something.
He stood there, unable to make his mind, when a hand slammed on his shoulder, making his heart jump to his throat.
"Fujiwara-kun!" It was Ashiwara, grinning down at him. "Long time no see! Where have you been?"
"I, I…" Sai stuttered, but Ashiwara wasn't listening. Instead he rang the doorbell and walked in, half dragging Sai with him.
"Fujiwara-kun's back!" Ashiwara exclaimed as they entered the room where other members of the group had already gathered. Sai gave them an awkward nod, wondering what to say if they wanted to know why he hadn't been attending the meetings for such a long time. Ashiwara, luckily, was soon distracted by Ogata, who had some biting comments about his latest official game. Sai settled down nervously, but apart from some "it's good to see you again" and "we've sure missed you and your analysis of the games" comments no one said anything about his long absence. They discussed games and played some of their own as they always did, and if he was quieter than before, no one said anything about it, either.
Once the session was over, Akira walked with him to the gate.
"I'm really happy you came here again," he said quietly, and Sai nodded his head a little.
"I'm too," he said in an equally low voice. "I was really scared to come, to tell you the truth. I thought they'd ask me… stuff." He thought about the long, searching look Touya Meijin had given him. "Does your… father know?" he asked a little hesitantly.
"I told father that you've had pretty hard time recently," Akira said. "That's all. And I asked him not to say anything about your absence. I guess he told the others too."
"Thanks," Sai said. He really was thankful.
"So you'll come next week too?" Akira asked as they reached the gate.
Sai nodded, smiling. "Sure!"
"It's just…" Akira went on, hesitantly. "Maybe I shouldn't say anything, after telling everyone else not to ask questions, but… did something happen? I mean, in addition to… what I know."
Sai turned away, avoiding his questioning look. "Nothing you should worry about," he muttered, adjusting his backpack. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Akira's look, and turned to flash a smile at him. "Really. I'm okay."
I'm okay, Sai repeated to himself on his way home. Life may be difficult, but I can deal with it. I'm okay.
He just hoped everyone else would believe that, too. He remembered the look in Akira's eyes when they said goodbye – pretty much everyone seemed to be watching him with that same look these days. His mother, Hikaru, even Akari who didn't even know anything yet. As if they were afraid he'd suddenly break into pieces, or something.
"I'm okay," he repeated aloud. What other options were there, anyway?
...
The following days he concentrated on that. Being okay. He went to school, visited the go club, played games both with Akira and Hikaru, and when Thursday again came, attended the study group. The only thing where he decided to let all that had happened to affect his life was the P.E. class. He told his parents he wasn't feeling too good, and the P.E. classes were taking too much energy. Next day he had a paper from doctor Akimoto, releasing him from P.E. for health reasons. For once he didn't mind his parents' over-protectiveness, and though he hadn't yet forgiven doctor Akimoto, he was happy to receive that piece of paper.
The days disappeared somewhere without a trace, and he wasn't really sure what he had been doing. He thought he'd been reading a book, but as he picked it up again, he had no memory of what had happened in it. He kept on sleeping badly, his nights full of fragmentary, distressing dreams he would have rather not remembered, like the one in which he had been pregnant, clearly and unmistakably pregnant, but the child within him was dead. He woke up with the cold knowledge it would never be born. Noticing how tired he was, his mother brought him sleeping pills. Normally he wouldn't have resorted to such things, but now he was ready to utilize all possible means to get some rest.
Those days "I'm okay" seemed to have become his mantra. He wasn't sure how many times he said it, every day. It felt like pretty much everyone he spoke with sooner or later asked him how he was, from his parents and friends to teachers and random classmates. He noticed even his father had dropped the subject of androgen therapy (though he suspected that was only temporary.) Instead his mother kept on asking him if he was sure he didn't want to talk with a therapist. He was. Though sometimes during the night when he couldn't sleep he wondered if he shouldn't be doing something. It was almost like having been caught in limbo: days passed but nothing happened. Nothing changed.
Then, one Saturday he was going to movies together with Hikaru and Akari. This time Hikaru had told him to pick the movie – clear sign that he was being somehow oversensitive of Sai's feelings. Sai had considered going with what he knew would be to Hikaru's taste, but for one thing, that might have been too blatant, and for another, he concluded that it wouldn't hurt the boy to watch something else than an action flick for once. Akari at least seemed to be happy with his choice, and he had to give Hikaru credit; the boy didn't complain – much.
Before the movie they were sitting in a hamburger restaurant, talking of many things but of nothing of real importance. Sai was a little ill at ease. He had promised to explain everything to Akari, but so long had passed and he hadn't told her anything. She wasn't pushing him, either, but waited patiently, not with one word betraying her curiosity – though Sai had noticed the looks she gave him when she thought he didn't see, and he couldn't help feeling guilty about it.
Hikaru was complaining about the unfair questions in the history test they'd had. Sai didn't really get how the questions possibly could be unfair, though in truth, he wasn't really listening, leaving it to Akari to chide the boy. She was doing a good job about it, too. As the argument carried on, Sai's eyes scanned the people in the restaurant, vast majority of them teenagers like them. Talking, laughing, arguing… none of them looking like they had any greater trouble in their life than exams or bad skin. Of course, he told himself, they might be hiding it too. A little arrogant of him to imagine he was the only one in the world with problems.
The place was quite full, and he moved his chair a little to make room for a young couple with a baby stroller who settled in the table next to them. He watched them a while, too, pretty much tuning out the argument that was still going on. The couple were in their early twenties, and, he thought, obviously in love. It was in everything they did, the way the looked at each other, smiled, touched shortly in passing where no touch was necessary. There came a quiet whine from the stroller, and the woman turned to it and picked up something so tiny Sai found it hard to believe it could be real. She murmured something to the baby, patting its back as it lay against her chest, the father smiled at them across the table, and suddenly there was something tight in Sai's throat, making it so thick he almost couldn't swallow the French fry in his mouth. Something hazy seemed to cover his eyes, and he blinked them rapidly, trying to clear them.
"So the teacher mentioned it in passing some day!" Hikaru exclaimed. "How can I remember every single thing she ever says?"
"You could try taking notes," Akari suggested dryly. Hikaru rolled his eyes and turned to Sai.
"Sai, did you remember the teacher talking about…" he started, but paused, seeing Sai's expression. "Sai? You okay?"
Sai glanced at him, pale as a ghost, eyes impossibly wide, and jumped suddenly to his feet and rushed away.
"Sai?" Akari exclaimed staring after him in confusion. Hikaru sat frozen a moment. Then he dropped his hamburger on the tray and jumped up too. He didn't catch Sai before the toilets where he found the other boy on his knees by a toiled seat, throwing up.
"Sai?" he asked.
It took a while before Sai seemed to notice him. He glanced at Hikaru, a sidelong strange look that made Hikaru fidget nervously. "Sai?" he repeated. "Are you okay?"
Sai stood up, wiping his mouth. "Yeah," he muttered, not looking at Hikaru.
"You don't look like it," Hikaru stated. He'd never seen Sai – or anyone else, for that matter – look so pale. He tried to put a hand on Sai's shoulder, ignoring the looks they were getting from two other teenage boys in the toilet, but Sai dodged him.
"I'm okay," he said. It would have been more convincing if tears hadn't started rolling down his cheeks right then.
"Oh great," Hikaru muttered.
Akari was waiting outside the toilets with their bags when he led the shaking Sai out.
"What happened?" she asked then moment she saw them, but Hikaru could just shake his head in confusion.
"I don't know." Sai was still trembling softly, and tears rolled freely down his face, his hand in Hikaru's ice cold and sweaty.
"I'm okay," he mumbled again, and Hikaru rolled his eyes.
"Yeah right. I think he's sick, he was throwing up."
"Oh?" Akari gave Sai a worried look. "Should you go home?"
"I think so," Hikaru answered in Sai's stead. "No movie today." Sai looked like he was about to object, but in the end said nothing.
...
A few days later Hikaru marched into Touya's go salon with determination – determination which he had spent a long while gathering, but that wasn't something he'd have to tell anybody. Touya had been chatting with Ichikawa by the counter, but when Hikaru entered, he took in the unusually serious expression the boy was wearing and led him to a quiet corner of the salon.
"Shindou," Touya said, sitting down. "What is it?"
Hikaru sat as well, with a sigh. "What do you think? Have you heard anything from Sai?"
Touya shook his head. "No. But I should see him tomorrow, at the study group. Why?"
Hikaru sighed again, and ran his fingers through his hair. "It's just... something happened during the weekend, and he's not come to school this week. The teacher just said that he's on sick leave, 'for now'. So he's not called you or anything?"
"No, he hasn't. I've not heard anything from him since last week. I'd been hoping he might come here, but no..."
"You're of no help then," Hikaru said and stood up.
"Shindou!" Touya exclaimed. "You can't just leave like that! You said something happened, what?"
Hikaru gave him a long look before sitting down again. "I don't know, really. We were having hamburgers and then he suddenly started throwing up and – no I don't think it was the food, he was just shaking and crying too, and we ended up taking him home in a taxi. Haven't seen him since then. I've tried calling him a few times, but he doesn't answer his phone. His mom just said he was feeling ill and had to rest."
"Hmm." Touya watched thoughtfully the go board on the table. "I've been wondering... how do you think he's been lately?"
"I don't know," Hikaru said quietly, staring at the board too. "He always claimed to be okay when I asked, but I'm not sure."
"Obviously he wasn't." Touya gave a sigh in his turn. "I hope his parents are finally getting him proper help."
It took Hikaru a moment to catch on. "What you mean? He's been seeing doctors, hasn't he? Isn't that... wait, what? He's not nuts, he doesn't need a shrink or anything!"
Touya rolled his eyes. "You're such an idiot," he muttered, and Hikaru glared at him.
"You know, I keep on hearing people talking of how mature and polite you are, but they really don't know you too well, do they?"
Touya opened his mouth but managed to catch himself before whatever he was about to say left it. He glared at the blond-banged boy in front of him, and Hikaru glared back.
"Why don't we play a game now that you're here?" Touya finally said when the silence was beginning to grow awkward.
Hikaru glared at him but shrugged in the end. "I wish he'd talk to me," he said as they started the game.
"I know," Touya said. "Me too." He placed a white stone on the board. "But we shouldn't push him."
"What should we do then?!" Hikaru exclaimed, following a usual opening joseki without quite concentrating on the game yet. "Just wait?"
"I guess. If I don't hear from him tomorrow, I'll call him. Or send him a message, if I can't reach him. Tell him that if he wants to talk he can just call either of us, any time."
"He's not been playing online go either," Hikaru muttered.
"I've noticed." Touya glanced at him. "I've heard that you play too?"
"Yeah, sometimes. It's kinda fun." Hikaru scratched his ear and grasped a stone, waiting for Touya's move.
"What's your username?" Touya asked and played his stone, a slight variation to the joseki.
Hikaru looked at him and seemed to hesitate. "I... whatever for? I can come here if I want to play you. If."
"Contrary to what you may think, I don't live in this place."
"Hmm. I know your username. If I want an online game, I'll ask for one." Hikaru placed the stone he'd been holding on the board.
"You should start paying attention," Touya said, and Hikaru blinked, not immediately understanding what he was talking about. Then he blinked again, at the board.
"Damn," he muttered, realizing Touya hadn't played where he had thought he would. "You distracted me!"
"You shouldn't be so easily distracted," Touya stated dryly, and Hikaru glowered at him.
"I'll show you distraction," he muttered, eyeing the board darkly as he waited for Touya's next move.
...
Sai's days had passed in something of a haze. Ever since Hikaru and Akari had escorted him back home his mother had been fussing over him so much he'd never thought it would be possible even for her, but although normally this would have annoyed him, now he barely noticed. She was again talking about therapy, too. Sai thought of that piece of paper hidden in his backpack and said nothing. On some level he assumed it might be a good idea, but... he didn't want to do that. Not yet. It felt like giving up. This was his life – surely he should be able to deal with it without burdening others with his problems.
His father said nothing on the subject, at least not so that he heard. Sai had a feeling he was opposed to it, as otherwise surely his mother would have already arranged something. He hoped this was so, and that his father wouldn't change his mind. Mother would certainly never cross him.
He kept on thinking he should call Hikaru. He knew the boy had called a few times, but he had refused to speak with him, mainly because he didn't know what to say. He was still too embarrassed... he couldn't believe he had suddenly broken down like that. He didn't even want to imagine what Hikaru must be thinking. Or Akari... the girl had been so confused and worried. He felt his cheeks turn hot. So embarrassing.
He should call Hikaru, though, he knew that. One of these days. Maybe tomorrow.
He rolled over on his bed where he was lying and stared at the wall. Tomorrow. He'd figure out what he would say by then. Right now he was feeling too drowsy to think about it.
There came a knock from his door. "Sadao?" His mother peeked into the room. "I just wanted to ask if you wish to go the study group today. I was thinking it might cheer you up... I could give you a ride there and back."
Study group? He hadn't even realized that it was Thursday already. "I don't think I will," he said without looking at his mother. "Could you call them and say I'm not coming?"
"Of course, darling. If you really don't want to..." She waited a moment but as Sai said nothing she closed the door quietly and went her way.
A while passed. Then, suddenly, she was back. "Sadao? Touya-kun wishes to speak with you."
Sai glanced at her over his shoulder. He didn't really wish to speak with Akira, or with anyone else, what came to that. He reached still out his hand and took the phone.
"Hello?"
"Sai." Akira's voice sounded almost relieved. "I so hoped you'd agree to speak with me. How are you?"
"I'm... okay," he muttered, lying now on his back, staring at the ceiling. "Just... feeling a bit sick, so I'm not coming today..."
"Of course you're 'okay.' As if." Akira's voice was dry. "Look, Shindou told me what happened on Saturday and that you've not been at school this week. I bet you aren't just 'feeling a little sick'."
Sai froze. Hikaru had told him? Where and how? He couldn't imagine those two meeting peacefully on their own.
"I don't really know what's behind this all," Akira was going on, "but I want you to know that we're here for you, both of us. If you want to talk or anything. Shindou's been really worried about you too. He said he's been trying to call you but you didn't want to speak with him." He paused for a moment waiting for Sai to say something, but as Sai still remained quiet he went on, a little hesitantly. "I'm not saying you have to talk with us if you don't feel like it, just... just that we want to help you, if we just can..."
Sai sighed and closed his eyes. "Thanks," he said. "But it's okay, really. I just need some time. I don't want you to worry about my problems."
"How could we not?" Akira said a little sharply. "You're our friend! Of course we worry over you! We..." He cut himself off and Sai heard him taking a deep breath. "You don't have to speak with us if you don't want to," he went on more calmly. "But I would feel a lot happier if I knew you were talking with someone. Are you getting help there?"
"I don't need help," Sai said a little stiffly, and grimaced. The words sounded stupid to him too. "I mean that I... I'll get by. With time. I'll figure this all out, and... I'm going to be okay. Really. You don't need to worry."
For a while there came nothing but silence from the other end. "Sai," Akira said then, and his tone was ice cold. "I'm half tempted to get over there right now to knock some sense into you. Didn't you hear what I just said? You're our friend! Wouldn't you worry over us if our places were reversed? Listen, you need to seek help. I've been watching you for long, and it's obvious you haven't been 'okay' since, I don't know, last year! And if we can't help you, you need to get to somebody who can."
Sai lay there quietly, his eyes still closed. He had known it was a mistake to take the phone from his mother. Why did he do that, anyway? Stupid.
"If you truly want us to stop worrying, get help. There's nothing wrong with that. Are you listening to me? Sai! Say something!"
"I'm sorry. I just... I'm sorry." He was again staring at the perfectly white ceiling. "Let's talk about this some other time."
"...okay. I, I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to push you. I just..." Akira paused, hesitating, and Sai really wished the phone call was finally over. "I just want to help you."
"I know. Thanks. ...bye." With a sigh Sai let the phone slip on the bed from his hand. He felt exhausted, and a little annoyed. Why couldn't they just leave him in peace? The last thing he needed in addition to it all was a guilty conscience. Of course he would get help if he really needed it. If.
... psychotherapy is usually recommended for the whole family, he remembered suddenly doctor Adachi's words, and smiled a little crookedly. Sure. Wasn't it a lovely idea, they all as family on a shrink's couch. The smile died slowly away. Hadn't doctor Akimoto too mentioned that he should meet with a therapist?
He rolled over, annoyed. Why did everyone speak like he needed that? The doctors, his mother, now Akira too. He wanted to deal with this himself.
You're not exactly dealing with anything at all, a little voice whispered in his mind, and he rolled over again.
"So?" he said aloud. "I will." With time, he added in his mind.
Shindou's been really worried about you too, Akira's voice echoed in his ears. He sat up, unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach. Well, who'd asked him to worry so much? He had tried to make this easier for his friends, hadn't he? To keep them apart, not to show them… anything.
Damn it all. Why did he have to break down like that? Everything would be a lot simpler without it. Now Hikaru and Akira and probably Akari too would start fussing over him, just like his mother, he just knew it.
Psychotherapy.
He jumped up and dug that piece of paper out of his backpack. A moment he stared at it, crumpled it then in his hand and threw into the garbage can by his desk. Psychotherapy indeed. As if he…
"Sadao?" His mother's voice cut off his thoughts, and he spun around feeling as if he had been caught doing something forbidden. "Are you finished with the call?"
"Ye-yeah. The phone's on the bed."
His mother walked into his bedroom and came back with the phone. She smiled at him. "I'm happy to see you're up again. Would you like to have some afternoon tea?"
"No," Sai said grumpily. He didn't really even want to be up in the first place. "I think I'll go back to bed." Seeing how his mother's smile faltered he added hastily, "I'm going to read that book you gave me."
"That's nice. Let me know if you need anything."
"Sure, mother." He closed the bedroom door behind himself. The book was lying on the bedside table, waiting, but he didn't feel like touching it. Why did it feel like everyone these days existed just to give him a bad conscience. "Just let me be," he muttered and dropped down on the bed.
He must have fallen asleep at some point. He woke up with a start, for a moment confused of the time of the day. His alarm clock said 5:56 pm… not good, he wouldn't be able to sleep in the night if he slept that much during the day. He stood up, head feeling heavy and stuffy. They'd have dinner soon, right? Maybe he should get downstairs, it would at least make his mother happy.
As he came down he heard hushed voices from the living room. He walked in there, pausing at the door. His mother was sitting in her favorite chair, his father, apparently, had been pacing around in the room. They both paused when they noticed him, his mother in mid-sentence, his father in mid-step.
"Sadao," his mother said after a moment. "Good." She cleared her throat. "We were just talking."
Obviously, he wanted to say, but managed to keep silent. Then he noticed something in his mother's hands, a piece of crumpled paper.
"What's that?" he asked with a frown. His mother glanced at the paper and then at him, the expression on her face carefully guarded. She placed the paper on the table.
"We've been thinking it might be a good idea for you to visit a therapist," she said.
"I threw that away," Sai said, not really listening. "Did you take it from my garbage?" He had a feeling he should have been angrier about this, but somehow couldn't find the energy.
"Where did you get that?" his father asked.
"Doctor Adachi gave it to me," Sai muttered. His parents shared a look.
"Doctor Akimoto too was recommending therapy when we spoke with him," his mother said, with a look at his father, who sighed.
"I know," he grumbled. "I guess there is no harm in it. The way things are going…" He looked at Sai. "We will get an appointment for you as soon as possible."
"I don't…"
"Sadao," his mother cut him off gently but with a stern look in her eyes, "we're not going to listen to a no here."
He looked at her for a moment, and saw she meant it. He shrugged a little. "I'll be in my room if you need me," he muttered and returned to his bed.
...
A bit over a week later later Sai figured he should finally meet with both Hikaru and Akira. Separately, though – he didn't feel like he was up to dealing with them both at the same time. He still wasn't going to school, for an indeterminate time. His parents had reached an agreement with school, and there was talk of home schooling, most likely at least for the last couple of months that were left of the eighth grade. He didn't mind that at all – on the contrary it was quite a relief not having to worry about hiding at school.
He had seen a therapist now twice, and reluctantly he had to admit he liked her. Those meetings had been nothing like he had expected. He hadn't really believed he'd be lying on a couch or anything like that (though he was relieved he'd been right about it), but beyond that, he hadn't really had any idea what seeing a therapist would be like.
The first visit had been somewhat awkward. He didn't like the idea of talking about his personal matters with a complete stranger. Technically, of course, he had done that before, first with Shizue-san and then with doctor Adachi, but somehow this was still difficult. During that first visit they hadn't yet been talking about anything important, but already during the second visit he had suddenly found himself saying things he hadn't meant to talk about.
It was surprisingly easy to talk to this woman. It helped, of course, that his parents stayed out of the room, and that the therapist told him she would never tell them anything without his permission. Even so, he had been a little taken aback when he realized he was about to tell her of his dreams. He caught himself just in time and fell silent, biting his lip. "…no," he replied then to her question. "My dreams… have been perfectly normal. I mean… weird. Like dreams are. Normal kind of weird?" She nodded her head slightly, and he was afraid she'd want examples. "Maybe we can talk about that later," she just said, and moved on.
Sai was gradually beginning to reach the conclusion that it might have been a good idea to go to meet her. He thought of what Akira had said and grimaced inwardly. Maybe he'd just call the boy. It would be easier to admit on the phone than face to face that Akira had been right. Hikaru, then… he was thinking he should ask his parents if Hikaru could come over some day. He really wanted to meet the boy. Hikaru could also tell him what they had been doing in school, which was a perfect pretext for asking him over.
He decided not to ask his parents anything. He called Hikaru first, and told then his parents he would be coming next day after school to bring some handouts. It wasn't even a lie. Then, returning to his rooms, he took his phone again and hesitated a moment before choosing Akira's number.
Akira answered on the third ring. "Sai?" He winced a little at how hopeful Akira's voice sounded. "It's been a while!"
"Yeah." He dropped to sit on his bed behind two closed doors. "I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be out of touch this long." Now, that was a lie. He had, every now and then, thought about how time passed, but had done nothing. "I've been… busy." Another lie, really. "I started seeing a therapist."
"Oh?" Akira sounded genuinely relieved. "That's wonderful! How is it going? And I'm sorry, Sai, I didn't mean to pressure you last time, but…"
"It's okay. And I think it's going fine, though it's a bit early to say. Anyway, I'm happy I'm doing this." He knew that at least was true the moment he said it. "So, I just wanted to thank you. And say I'm sorry too, I guess I was a bit short with you last time."
"No problem. I understand. Umm… do you think you're coming to the study group next week?"
"I'm not sure yet. I haven't thought that far…"
"That's okay. Just come when you feel like it."
"Yeah. Thanks."
Silence followed. Sai cleared his throat, wondering what to say, and came then up with the one sure way to show that things were moving to better. "Would you play a game? Net go, I mean?"
"Sure!" Akira's voice was delighted. "See you there!"
...
Next day Sai was waiting the meeting with Hikaru with a strange mixture of feelings. He remembered again the last time when they had seen, when he had had his stupid meltdown. Somehow he had a very distinct memory of what Hikaru had looked like, when his mother had led him in after they'd taken him home. The boy had been standing by the gate, watching after them with a blank, unreadable expression, eyes fixed tightly on him. He didn't have a clue what had been going on in his head at that moment.
On the phone Hikaru had sounded completely normal. Well, maybe a little quieter than usually, and less chatty, but other than that. Sai didn't really know what to say to the boy once he'd came. Now he was beginning to hope he had talked about his friends with his therapist before meeting them, but it was too late for that. He just hoped Hikaru wouldn't be angry about him ruining their movie night and then not even giving him a call or anything. Somehow he hadn't thought of that either before, but it really had been quite rude of him.
When Hikaru arrived he was waiting in his room. His mother led the boy in and left them alone, giving him a look he didn't quite understand and didn't feel like trying to decipher right then.
"Hi." He smiled hesitantly at Hikaru. "It's good to see you again."
"Yeah." Hikaru let his backpack drop on the floor and dropped himself in a chair. "It is." He dug out some papers from his bag. "Shall we start?"
"Yes, why not," Sai said a little meekly. He wasn't sure, but Hikaru seemed to be a bit mad at him.
It didn't take the boys long to go through what had been going on in school during his absence. Hikaru gave his notes for Sai to copy, and seeing how little he had written, and most of it in an unreadable handwriting, Sai almost said something chiding, but right then he had a vague memory of Akari talking about the very same thing in the hamburger restaurant, and he fell silent.
"Thanks." He eyed the text. Maybe he'd be able to decipher some of it.
"You're welcome," Hikaru said, his voice dry. "And no hurry with that. I doubt I'll be reading them anyway."
His face was still quite expressionless. Sai gave him a careful, hesitant look. "Are you mad at me?" he asked quietly.
Hikaru raised his eyebrows at him. "What would you think?"
"I'm sorry about the movie," Sai said, placing the papers on the table. "Maybe we can go to see it some other day. Unless you've already seen it?"
A moment Hikaru stared at him blankly. Then he jumped to his feet, slamming an angry hand against the table. "You think I'm angry because of that?! You're such an idiot!"
"What?" Sai blinked at him, taken aback.
"I tried calling you six times last week!" Hikaru went on, his wrath seemingly just increasing, "six times, but no, you wouldn't talk with me! And then when you finally call you just ask about school!"
"I, I just…" Sai tried to put it, but he couldn't get a word in.
"So why do you think I'd be mad, huh? You have any idea how worried I've been? At least you called Touya, so I got some news of you from him! …why would you call him and not me?"
"I needed to tell him I wasn't coming to the study group," Sai said, still quite stunned. "And the school's just, just an excuse for my parents! I… I'm sorry, Hikaru. Really. I didn't think. I just… didn't know what to say to you."
"You could have at least said that," Hikaru said, calming down a little as he saw how genuinely crestfallen Sai's expression was. "It sucked so much when you didn't even talk to me. But whatever." He sat down again. "Are you okay now? When are you coming to school?"
"I guess it might take a while before I'm 'okay'," Sai said quietly. It hurt a bit to admit that aloud, but he knew it was true. "I'm seeing a therapist now, and she's helping. And… I don't know about school. It might be I'm not coming back for a long while."
"Why? I mean, I thought things were going okay at school, so… did something happen?"
"Kind of." Sai sighed. "Not at school, though. I guess it's overall just… everything combined, starting to take it's toll… I'm sorry Hikaru, I don't want to talk about it yet. But I'm actually happy I don't need to go to school. Mother said they'll arrange home schooling for me at least for the rest of the school year. It's apparently a bit complex, but she's confident they can get it done."
"Home schooling? That sounds weird. Kinda fun, though. Or… I'm not sure. Maybe not. I mean, if you're the only student you get all the attention. Who's gonna be your teacher?"
"Father said they'd hire someone, but mother is insisting that she would do it herself," Sai replied, and Hikaru grimaced.
"It'd be so awful if my mom were teaching me!"
Sai laughed a little. "I don't think it'll be that bad. I can do lot on my own. And mother's a pretty good teacher, really."
Hikaru didn't look quite convinced, but dropped the subject. "So you're not coming to school, huh? Well, that sucks. Can I come to see you? I think your mom is bit cold these days…"
"Of course you can come to see me! And I'll come to see you too. And we can go to movies and whatever you want. I mean, I guess I shouldn't now when I'm on sick leave, but once they've got everything straightened out, then."
"That's great. And we can play net go when we can't meet." Hikaru's smiled faded away. "I saw you were playing with Touya the other day," he said, attempting nonchalance, but failing.
"Yes." Sai couldn't resist a little smile. "You do realize that you're beginning to sound a bit jealous, don't you?"
Hikaru spluttered a moment. "I'm not! I just, you were playing with him, but not, I mean…"
Sai laughed out loud. "Not jealous? Then what's that? But, hey, Hikaru, again. I'm sorry. I wanted to meet you face to face first. If it makes you feel any better, I have not met Touya."
"Hmph." Hikaru ran his fingers through his hair with a sour look on his face. "You can meet who you want and play who you want, all the same to me."
"I heard you'd met with Touya, though," Sai said, turning serious again.
"Yeah." Hikaru gave him a sideward look. "Went to see him when I couldn't reach you, but he knew nothing. We played a game, though." He grinned. "And guess what! I. won. I won! With two moku!"
Sai's eyes widened and he forgot all he had been thinking about how Hikaru had told Akira what had happened. "Really? Hikaru, that's wonderful!"
"So we're decreasing my handicap next time," Hikaru said, self-satisfaction shining from his face. "You should have seen Touya's expression! It was so much fun!"
"Can you show me that game?" Sai was already taking out his go board.
"Of course!" Hikaru exclaimed, and they settled down by the board.
.
When Hikaru left and Sai turned back from the door, having escorted the boy there, he saw his mother watching him. He gave her a questioning look, and she raised her hand, touching softly his cheek. "It felt so good to hear you laugh, darling," she said quietly, and went then her way, leaving Sai watch after her with a tight feeling in his throat.
...
Sai kept on visiting the therapist weekly, and though there were worse days, there were also times when he was sure everything was improving. Just the act of talking with someone was surprisingly liberating. Even so, the more time passed, the more annoyed toward his parents he was again becoming. He did love them, despite everything, and on the day Hikaru had visited him he had felt that love quite strongly, but with time he came to suspect that in the end they were just waiting for him to return once again to what they considered normal.
He had hoped, for a time, that he might be able to make them to speak with the therapist too, but he knew now that wasn't going to happen. He also knew this was a matter about which he should talk with the therapist, but somehow he never mentioned it and dodged all her questions about his parents. He suspected that she knew he was hiding something, but he didn't really care. He didn't want to talk about those feelings yet.
"You're thinking too much about what you should be. That isn't the question," the therapist had told him the other day. "There is no 'should' here, you don't need a permission to be who you are."
She obviously didn't know his parents. He knew they had a very clear image of what he should be and what, if they just could help it, he also would be some day. He had told Hikaru that for him it was fine to be taught by his mother, but he was already beginning to doubt that. It was a little surprising, but he had in fact started to miss school. Now, he spent much more time home than he would have liked, and his mother seemed to always be there. He was sure she hadn't been hanging around at home that much before. Somehow he got a feeling that he was being overseen every single moment.
There was the study group, at least, to bring some much-needed variation to his life. After a couple of weeks' break he had started attending it again. Now, after his second unexplained absence he could practically feel all the questions in the air, but thankfully no one voiced them. Well, Ashiwara had had a slip of the tongue (or two), but he had managed to ignore those so far. He decided that from there on he just had to go there every Thursday, without fail. He didn't want to cause any more speculation if it just could be helped.
Day by day he felt more strongly that he needed to do something. Something concrete. Something that would show everyone that he would in the end be and do what he wanted. And one day he suddenly realized what that was – something that had completely slipped from his minds during the past weeks.
It took a while to find Kaga's phone number, but in the end he realized he could ask Tsutsui for it. That call, with Tsutsui, was yet another source of bad conscience, for he suddenly realized that also his go club senpai was both worried and totally clueless about what was going on with him, and somehow he got a feeling that him asking for Kaga's number did nothing to calm his mind. He promised to meet Tsutsui some day and play a game with him, assured him he was doing okay, and as soon as the call ended he called Kaga.
Three days later they met. Kaga was waiting for him by a subway entrance, leaning against a wall with a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. When he saw Sai he grinned. "Hello there, wannabe delinquent!"
Sai frowned a little, but let it pass. "Where are we going to?" he asked.
"Straight to the business," Kaga stated, the smile still tugging his lips. "Come then, follow me."
"Thanks for taking the time for this," Sai said as he followed Kaga through the crowded streets. "I guess you must be busy with the entrance exams."
Kaga waved his hand. "No sweat. I know I'll get in where I want to. Besides, this is too much fun, I wouldn't miss this for anything."
"It's just piercings," Sai muttered. He was growing increasingly nervous by every step, and Kaga's comments didn't really help. Still, he couldn't back down anymore. Nor was he going to show Kaga his nervousness. Nothing else to do than just finish what he had started. Besides, wasn't this something he had been dreaming of for a long time?
He was half expecting Kaga to lead him to some dirty backstreet where they would enter a shady ramshackle building where some tattooed gangster would be waiting for them, but instead Kaga walked into a perfectly respectable fashion and jewelry store. He waved his hand at the girl at the counter and marched straight into a backroom. Sai followed him, his heart in his throat.
A young man, pierced but not tattooed, looked up from his magazine when they came in. "Just in time," he said. "Let's get this done before boss is back."
And then everything happened more quickly than Sai could realize. Two little pinches, and he had tiny purple buttons in his ears and guides how to take care of them in his hands. A few notes for the still nameless young man – and a few for Kaga – and they were out again. The whole procedure took barely five minutes.
When they were again walking on the streets Kaga took one look at Sai's face and burst into laughter. "You're really happy now, aren't you?" he asked.
Sai could guess he had to be grinning quite stupidly, but he just couldn't stop. "Yeah," he admitted. It was funny that such a minor thing could really make him so feel so joyous. "I've been wanting to do this so long."
"Well, congrats for getting it done, then," Kaga said with a grin and ruffled his hair in that annoying way of his. "And good luck with getting to keep those piercings."
Sai paused from straightening the hair Kaga had messed up and his smile faded a little. The first hurdle would be his parents. Luckily he had a few months before he potentially would be going to school again – unless he would spend also his last year of middle school also in homeschooling. The piercings would have time to heal enough so that he could remove them for school.
But his parents. Now, wouldn't that be fun.
Kaga watched with amusement the way his expression changed, reflecting his inner thoughts. He nodded with satisfaction, seeing the determined look that settled on Sai's face.
"Good luck," he repeated, more seriously. "I'm sure you'll manage."
Sai nodded and smiled a little. "Thanks a lot, Kaga-san," he said. Kaga, already walking away, raised his hand in goodbye without so much as a glance behind.
"No problem."
...
When Sai came home he felt a great urge to keep his hair hanging down so it would hide his ears. But, he told himself, they would notice sooner or later, no point to put it off. He walked in, calling "I'm home!" as usual, and nodded to his mother who was again reading in the living room. She just mumbled an absentminded "welcome back," obviously too deep in her book to notice anything. It wasn't before they were all having dinner when she suddenly froze, her chopsticks pausing in midair, and stared at him with such a comical expression Sai almost laughed out.
She glanced at his father who didn't seem to have noticed anything yet, and clearly considered whether to say something or not. She decided on the former.
"Sadao," she said, lowering the chopsticks back to her plate. "What is that on your ears?"
Sai calmly swallowed the food in his mouth before answering. "I had my ears pierced today."
He didn't look, but could guess how his father was staring at him. "Where?" The single word was harsh and cold.
"At one… place. Don't worry, it's a good place and they did a good job about it." He ate on, still not looking at anyone, attempting to appear calm though in truth his heart was speeding.
"It is completely out of question that my son would have piercings!" his father snarled, and suddenly something broke free within him.
"Well maybe I'm not your son then!" he screamed, slamming his chopsticks on the board. He stood up and before two startled gazes rushed out of the room. He had been going to go to his room, but somehow he changed directions and ended up running to the front door where he quickly pulled his shoes on and threw his coat on his shoulders. He was out of the house before his parents most likely even realized what was happening.
He marched on without any destination, just needing to burn out the rage that suddenly was swelling within him. His father's words kept on echoing in his ears, out of question, out of question, and he swallowed, hands clenched tight, lips drawn in a line. Out of question? The hell it was out of question! It was just about ridiculous to make something little like pierced ears such a big issue. It wasn't anybody else's business what he did with his ears.
He had walked a long while when he paused to glance back. No one was following him. Had they realized he had gone out? Maybe they just didn't care. Should he go back? Then again, it wasn't late yet. He checked his pockets and realized he did have some money with him. After just a short consideration he headed toward the subway station.
He never quite admitted to himself where he was going, but still it was completely clear to him. He left the subway, entered a department store, and his feet led him without fail to the makeup section. He paused to watch the lipsticks, the very same ones that had once attracted his attention. He grasped one, a shade darker than what he had bought last time, and walked to the counter. Feeling as if he was in a dream he watched the sales assistant rung the lipstick, watched his hand give her the money and take the receipt, and turned then to go with the little bag in his hand. He took a step, and then a cheerful "Sai!" suddenly shook him awake.
He glanced around, panicking, and saw Akari hurrying to him.
"Hi!" The girl's smile was wide. "It's been so long! How are you doing?"
"I, um, I'm… fine, thanks," Sai mumbled, trying to hide the bag in his hand. "I'm sorry I haven't called you. I've meant to, but somehow… I just… didn't have time." Such a stupid lie. He felt himself blushing a little. He hadn't called Akari because he hadn't felt like dealing with her yet. Hadn't decided how much to tell her.
"Oh, it's okay! I've been bugging Hikaru about you, and he told me you're ok. Were you buying something for your mother? I was shopping with my friends, I was just going home when I noticed you. I bought a few shirts, would you like to see? …wow, have you had your ears pierced? That looks great! But are your parents really okay with it?"
Sai paused, watching the girl thoughtfully. It would have been so easy to say that yes, he got something little for his mother, shrug of the piercings, take a look at her shirts and go his way. Somehow he still felt that Akari deserved better. He wasn't proud of the way he had been treating her lately, basically ignoring her. In the end, he reminded himself, she was practically the first friend he had made in Tokyo. The first one who had been willing to talk with him even if others made fun of her because of it.
"Akari," he said quietly. "We should talk."
They ended up going into a cafe, a rather big one and normally quite crowded, but at this time of the day there was plenty of room and they got a table in a quiet corner where they could talk in peace. Sai bought a sandwich as he suddenly realized he was hungry – his dinner had been interrupted, after all. Akari just took a coke and sat down with a cautious look on her face.
Sai munched his sandwich, wondering where to start. "Do you know anything?" he asked then, and Akari shook gingerly his head.
"No. I've been trying to ask Hikaru, but he says it's none of my business. And that you'll tell me if you ever want to and that I should leave you in peace and not to be pain in the… you know where."
Sai winced a little. "I'm sorry. Hikaru can be…" he paused, looking for a word.
"A jerk," Akari completed the sentence with a little smirk. Sai shrugged.
"I was thinking of something like inconsiderate, but maybe they're kind of synonyms," he said, smiling a little too, and Akari laughed out loud. "Anyway," he went on and placed the remaining half of his sandwich on his plate. "What I wanted to tell you… you see, back when I left from school in the middle of the day… it was because I'd just learned that, that I've got this… medical condition, and my parents and doctors had always known about it but they just hadn't told me, and… well." he swallowed. "I was quite… shocked."
"I bet." Akari's eyes were wide. "What is it? Something serious?"
He shrugged a little uncomfortably. "Depends on how you define serious. I guess. Kind of. It's… Have you ever heard of intersex?"
Akari shook her head, and he sighed. "I hoped you would have," he muttered. "It'd be easier than having to explain. Well… what I have is this thing called PAIS, and… and… God." He covered his face with his hands, leaning against the table. "I don't know how to explain this…"
"It's okay," Akari said, her voice hesitant. "I mean, if you don't want to… I can always check it out on my own, if it's hard for you to talk about it, I mean."
"I should be able to talk about it," Sai mumbled behind his hands. "How can I live my life if I can't even talk about myself?" He lowered his hands and looked at them resting in his lap. "There are many different ways you can be intersexed. In my case it's that my body doesn't respond to androgens, the male hormones. And that's why my… body's… not developing, you know, the way people think normal. For a boy."
He paused and took a careful look at Akari. The girl was watching him with still somewhat wide eyes, an extremely serious look on her face. "Oh," she said, obviously feeling she should say something but not having any idea what. "That's… strange."
"Yeah." A little smiled quirked the corner of his mouth. "I know. There's… so much into it, I can't possibly explain it all to you now. It's just that this thing called puberty is kind of messed up where I'm concerned. And…" He paused again, and Akari looked at him expectantly.
"And?"
He swallowed. "That… thing that happened last time we saw," he said quietly. "I just… I'd learned one new thing about myself recently, and somehow it hit me then. It's, I… most likely I can't have kids."
There. He'd said it, and he didn't cry. He was proud of himself.
Akari stood up. For a moment he though she was leaving, but she walked round the table to him and bent down to hug him. He realized that she had tears in her eyes, and that made his eyes watery as well.
"I'm so sorry," Akari whispered to his ear, giving him one more squeeze. He sniffed, unable to say anything, and she returned to her seat.
A moment they sat in silence. Sai picked up his sandwich and started eating again, taking small bites he could be sure wouldn't get stuck in his throat. Akari grasped her coke too but didn't drink it.
"You know," she said after a while. "I'd been coming up with awfully many possible reasons for what happened, but I'd never imagined something like this. Though I guess it's hard to imagine something you don't even know exists. What did you call it, intersex?" When Sai nodded she went on, "I guess I need to do some research. But thanks for telling me. I bet it wasn't easy."
"You could look online for Shizuku no kai," Sai said. "Their site has a lot of information."
Akari nodded and took out a pen. "Shizuku?" she mumbled, scribbling it on the backside of her receipt. "No kai… okay."
"If you have anything to ask, just ask. And you can ask Hikaru too. Tell him I said it's okay to talk to you."
"I don't even know what to ask," Akari muttered.
Sai laughed. "I know that feeling, believe me." Then he surprised himself. "You know, that lipstick I bought? It's actually for myself."
Akari blinked. Then she laughed out loud, perhaps a bit disbelieving. "Really?"
"Yeah." He wondered what had made him to say that. "Do you think it's weird?"
She blinked again. "Not any weirder than any of this. Is it…" Her eyes stopped on his ears. "I mean, is it, and that," she touched her own ear, "because of, you know… you are…" She didn't seem to be able to formulate the question.
"You mean am I buying lipstick and getting my ears pierced because I'm intersex?" Sai paused. He'd never truly thought of it like that, and although he could understand why Akari had arrived to that conclusion, for some reason the idea felt somehow off to him. "I don't know. I have no idea, really. Maybe? I mean, boys don't usually do such things, do they?"
"Some do," Akari said, shaking her head. "And what's wrong with that, really? I shouldn't have said it's weird. It's not. I'm sorry, I'm saying such stupid things today…"
Sai took out the lipstick and turned it in his hand. "I think it's weird," he said. "Though I don't know why. Maybe it's just the way I'm raised. You know, I bought a lipstick once before. And then my mother found it and she got angry. Boys don't use lipstick," he said, mimicking his mother's voice so that Akari giggled. "Do you have a mirror?"
The sudden question made her eyes widen again a little, but then she dug a small mirror out of her handbag. Feeling quite self-conscious Sai took it in one hand and the lipstick in the other, and very carefully spread some on his lips. He looked at his image and then at Akari.
"What do you think?"
She looked a little stunned. "It looks good," she said. "Really good. I don't think I could wear that color, but it suits you perfectly."
Sai smiled. "Thank you."
Akari shook her head, looking somehow confused though smiling too. "This is so weird," she said. "I mean, not in any bad way, but still." She finally seemed to remember the coke she had and took a sip. "You know, I can't really give you any advice or anything when I don't really understand any of this, but… I think you're really a great person. Whatever else you are. But that's what matters, right?"
Sai felt his eyes get misty again. "Thanks," he said with a smile and reached over the table to squeeze Akari's hand. "Did you want to show me those shirts you bought?"
...
Sai returned home with much lighter steps. He couldn't help wondering how he had been so silly he hadn't talked with Akari earlier. Shouldn't he have realized she would understand? A tiny worried voice in the back of his mind tried to suggest that maybe it was just that she didn't yet understand, and that when she did she wouldn't want to have anything to do with him anymore, but he silenced that voice determinedly. He trusted Akari.
As he approached home he slowed down a little. He was still wearing the lipstick. He hadn't been thinking about it, but… most likely he had enough trouble ahead without that. Or maybe, he thought dryly, the lipstick would be such a great shock for them that they would forget about his piercings. Be that how it may, he wiped it away before entering the house.
"Sadao!" his mother exclaimed when she heard the front door closing and appeared in the hall in an instant. "Where have you been!"
"Just walking around," Sai said taking his shoes off. He did realize he had been away much longer than he had meant to.
"I tried calling you but you had left your phone home," his mother said.
"I forgot it," Sai replied. "I didn't mean to be away so long. I'm sorry."
"Well you should be!" His father appeared behind his mother's back. "I had imagined you were beyond this kind of stunts, but apparently I was wrong."
"I'm sorry," Sai repeated stiffly. "I just needed to get out."
A moment all thee of them stood silently in the hall. Sai could see from his mother's expression that she was at a loss; his father's expression he didn't care to decipher.
"I'll be going to my room then," he said and walked past them.
"Sadao," his mother said after him. "I think we should talk."
He didn't stop, just headed upstairs with a shake of his head. He could feel his good cheer he had gained talking with Akari fade away, and he clung to it desperately. "Not now," he just said. He closed his door behind his back and headed for his computer, hoping that either Hikaru or Akira – or anyone good, he wasn't particular – would be online. Neither of them was, but he ended up playing against someone from Korea who was quite an excellent player. The game was a great fun – until suddenly the internet stopped working.
He frowned and opened the network center. Their wireless connection didn't even appear in the list. He got up and headed downstairs. "What happened to the internet?" he asked as he found his parents in his father's study.
"I disconnected it," his father said.
"I was in the middle of a game!" Sai exclaimed, but this made no effect.
"You are grounded again, young man," his father informed him, "until the day you get rid of those things." He tapped his ear with a stern look.
Sai said nothing, just turned on his heels and returned to his room.
Thank you for reading! All comments are warmly appreciated, as usual.
It feels to me that go has really left to the background here, but... one more chapter that's more focused on other things, then go starts making it's return to Sai's life for real. :)