Chapter 8
Days passed, and soon it was Thursday again. Sai was sitting on his bed, hugging the strange plushie he had gotten from Shizue and trying to figure what he should do about the study group. Just when he had decided he wouldn't miss the meetings anymore, he had been grounded again. He was wondering if there was any point to even ask if he could go there. The atmosphere at home had been so chilly since the day he got his piercings that he feared if he so much as mentioned the study group to his father, he might be banned from it for good.
He asked his mother's opinion, and she gave him a sidelong look. Then she shook her head a little. "I don't think it's a good idea to talk about it," was all she said.
Still, he wasn't prepared to miss it again. He planned long and hard, and in the end reached his decision. The good thing was that his father was going to return home quite late that day. That left only his mother, who of course wasn't easy to fool, but… it was worth a try, he concluded. He got himself a cup of tea, took it to his room and told his mother he was going to study until dinner time. After that it was just to slip outside as quietly as he could. A large house had some real pros. If he was careful there was no way his mother would hear him.
When he ran toward the subway station a strange mixture of excitement and fear filled him. Suddenly he was sure his mother had to notice he had left, and all the time he expected to hear her voice behind him, but each step carried him farther away, increasing the sense of freedom, and as he stepped into the subway car the fear was left on the platform and he was full of eager anticipation. This study group was going to be great, he knew that. Ogata would be there again after his trip to Korea, and he surely had many interesting game records with him.
Akira was always just as delighted when he came for the study group. He had a feeling the boy didn't truly believe he would be coming before he showed up. Yet another reason not to miss the sessions anymore. They nodded at each other, smiling, and settled down to wait for the others to arrive.
Just as he had expected, they started with a game Ogata had played with a young Korean pro. He had won it, but Sai was still impressed – a newly started pro playing pretty much on par with the Juudan? It made him beyond excited. If only he could visit Korea some day too… This reminded him of the unfinished game he had been playing online, and his enthusiasm dampened a little. He wished he would at least have a chance to apologize for his sudden disappearance. Maybe once his parents finally let him back online. But that wasn't something he should be worrying about now.
He was so glad he had taken the chance and come to the study group. No matter if he was caught. Not going to school made being grounded even worse than before. He felt he would have gone out of his mind if he had to spend all his days in complete confinement. This was a breath of fresh air, already much needed.
He thought about a question his therapist had asked him when they were talking about go, one he had found really hard to answer to his satisfaction. "Why is go so important for you?"
"It's like it's a completely different world," he had finally replied after a long thought. "A world where nothing else matters but the game. It's… it's the world where I feel at home. Where I can just be and I don't have to worry about anything else."
This time, though, the walls of this peaceful world of his were pierced from the outside. Sai had just been about to start a game when Akira's mother appeared in the room. "I'm sorry, Fujiwara-kun, your mother called and asked you to come home immediately," she said quietly.
"Oh." Sai could feel the eyes on himself, suddenly jerked back to the normal world. "Oh. I'm sorry, I… forgot…" What should he say? "I was supposed to go home earlier today," he muttered, wondering if they bought it. At least he had been able to stay there quite long, so maybe it wasn't completely implausible. He was sure Akira didn't believe it, though, even without looking.
He left quickly, saying quiet goodbyes and not really looking at anyone. All the way home he kept on repeating to himself what he had been thinking before: that he didn't care if he was caught. In fact, he had been almost certain he would be, though somehow he had been hoping for a miracle. "It doesn't matter," he muttered yet aloud when he opened the front door.
At least his father wasn't home yet. He suspected he would yet have to face him too, though… so it might have been better to get it all done in one go.
Her mother was waiting for him, though, and the look she gave him made him fidget.
"I'm waiting for an explanation," was all she said, sitting calmly in her chair as Sai came to a stop before her.
"I had to get out," was all he could say. "I've not been anywhere for days, I was going crazy in here."
His mother sighed. "I can understand that," she said, "but still, think, darling. You brought it all on yourself, in the end, and there is a very simple way you can end this." She gave him a meaningful look.
"I'm not going to get rid of my piercings," Sai said stiffly. "Are you going to keep me grounded until I'm old enough to move away?"
"Your father just might," she muttered, her tone a little exasperated. "Listen, now. You know even your school doesn't allow piercings. Why did you have to do this now? I guess if you really still wanted to, you could do something like that when you're grown up," something in her tone suggested she didn't quite believe he would still be so foolish then, "but now, you're still a minor, and you should respect your parents more."
Sai bit his lip and said nothing. There were too many things he would have wanted to say, but he figured it was better not to voice them right now. He couldn't find the right words anyway, it would all come out wrong and make his mother just angrier.
"I'm sorry I lied to you," he said in the end, and his mother nodded her head a little.
"Go to your room," she said. "Stay there until dinner."
Sai simply nodded and went upstairs.
"I respect you just about as much as you respect me and my right to decide about my own body," he whispered to himself in his room. Yes, something like that. He wasn't sure if he could ever say it to his mother, though.
Dinner was later than usual that day as they waited for his father to come home first. As the small family gathered by the dinner table Sai waited stiffly for the sermon he would be sure to receive, but they ate quite peacefully, his parents discussing his father's trip to Kyoto and what they would send for his aunt for her birthday. After dinner his father retired to the company of television, and Sai gave his mother a questioning look.
"He has had a hard day," was all she said. "Be sure you won't do something like this again."
Sai nodded, feeling somewhat put down. "Thank you."
...
At his next meeting with the therapist, she asked him how things were going at home. They hadn't been talking about that much before, and he wondered if she had herself decided it was time to talk about it, or if his parents had been talking with her. It wasn't something he really wanted to talk about, but he figured he should at least try – just because of that.
They spoke about him being grounded, about the reasons behind it, and the piercings and their importance to him. He told her what he hadn't told his mother about respect, and he had a feeling she did understand.
"I know I shouldn't have gone to the study group like that," he said, "but I just had to. You probably think it's funny but playing go is like… a vital vent hole. A way to get air. I have always loved go, but now I need it more than ever. It's the one thing I can never give up…"
He paused, and she looked at him, waiting. "Yes?"
He considered a long while. "I want to be a professional go player," he said then. "But my parents just can't accept that."
With everything that had happened he hadn't even been thinking much about that for a long while. But still, that was what was important, wasn't it? No matter who or what he was, that was the one thing he truly wanted. He tried to explain to the therapist how important it was to him, but he wasn't sure if he was quite able to make her really understand. After all, she didn't even play go.
She promised that she would have a word with his parents at least about the study group, though, and truly, next Wednesday his father told him that despite his grounding, he was allowed to attend it again. His mother had quite a guarded look on her face, and he figured she really had never told him how he had sneaked out last week. He was immensely thankful about that – he was sure that had his father known, he wouldn't have been so ready to give his permission, no matter what the therapist said.
He brought carefully up the idea of being a professional, but that made his father's face shadow over. "I thought we were already through with that," he said.
"Why would you need to be a professional?" his mother put in. "Surely you can play as much as you like also otherwise! There are amateur tournaments and such, aren't there?"
Sai merely sighed.
...
That weekly study group truly became the vent hole he had called it, as time rolled by. March arrived, and his father was adamant in his decision – as long as he had his piercings, he would be grounded. Sai, though, was determined to show he could be just as stubborn as his father, and didn't even think of budging. His mother seemed to be growing quite tired of it, but what did that help. Once Sai heard her complaining to his father that now she truly understood what the term cold war meant, but nothing she said was enough to turn their heads.
The study group was wonderful. He stayed there always as long as he could, to get to play at least one game with Akira when the session was over. But Hikaru was a different matter. It had been weeks since they had last met, and as he wasn't even able to play online go, he was quite out of touch with the boy. At least Hikaru had started to visit Akira at the go salon pretty often, so he had some kind of updates on what was going on with him every Thursday.
Still, he missed Hikaru.
He had tried to ask his father if he could at least sometimes call the boy over, but the study group was the only concession the man was ready to make. He had tried to appeal to his mother, too, but in vain. All she said was "ask your father," as if she didn't know very well what he would say.
And Akari, too. He hadn't seen her either since their chance meeting, and he couldn't help wondering how much she had found out and what she thought of it all now. He kept on thinking slipping out some day and heading to meet them both, but he knew the possibility was high he would be caught. Besides, he didn't really like it, lying to his parents and doing things behind their back. He just wished he could have seen some other option.
The restricted use of internet was another problem. Now he at least was allowed online for short periods, mainly to check things for his studies, but that didn't give him a chance for even a game of speed go. Once he managed to shortly log in on net go and send a quick apology to the Korean player he had been playing with, but he hadn't had a chance to check if he had received any reply.
Then one day while his parents weren't at home he suddenly realized that he could get online. It had to be a mistake on their part, but not one he wouldn't put to good use. As fast as his fingers could type he entered the World Igo Net. Neither Akira or Hikaru was online – of course, in the middle of the day they had to be at school. There were no messages, either – briefly he wondered if the Korean player even knew any Japanese. It might have been better to send the message in English, but he hadn't had time to think of that. …perhaps he should start studying Korean, he thought. It could be useful – if he ever made it to a pro player.
He scanned through the names of the players online and saw some he would have liked to play – and even got some game invitations from people who saw him, but those he turned down for now. He was eager to play, yes, but there was another thing he wanted to do first. He remembered Shizue mentioning a possible meeting at Shizuku no kai, back when he had spoken with her on phone… god, it felt like ages ago.
The front page had barely finished loading when he froze, staring at it. There was a big announcement of the gathering, and the date… he had to check the computer's bottom corner. Yes, it was today.
What should he do, he wondered, staring at the screen. If he asked his parents and told them what the meeting was about, they would never let him go there. In truth, he wasn't completely sure if he wanted to go there. The idea made his palms turn sweaty. But could he really miss something like this? And wasn't it quite a coincidence that he had seen this right now? It almost felt like he was meant to go there.
He checked the date and time again and stood up. He had a few hours to make his mind. No, less than that. He probably should leave before his mother came back. His parents would be so mad at him if he did this, though. He wished he knew more about that event. How many people would be coming, and so on… Though he wasn't sure which would be better: to meet lots of new people felt frightening, but he might be able to disappear among them. It'd be far more awkward if there were just be a few people there, who all knew each other.
He sat down again and closed his eyes. Think, he told himself. Think. What would he regret more, going or not going? Impossible to say, of course. But if he didn't go… would it bother him? Would he be wondering if he had missed something important?
He had to go.
And, he realized, he might be able to get two birds with one stone. If he was anyway going out without permission, he could possibly see Hikaru and Akari before going to the meeting. He rushed to the kitchen before he would change his mind and wrote a note to his parents. They would still be mad, but hopefully a little less than if he had just disappeared without a word. He didn't tell them where he was going, though.
Note written he rushed out, pulling his coat on as he went. He headed to the subway half running but slowed then down. If he was going to meet Hikaru and Akari he had better to head to the school, but they wouldn't be out yet for over an hour. There was no hurry, and he didn't want to spend too much time hanging around by the school gates. He wanted to see Hikaru and Akari, not anyone else.
He made his way slowly toward the school, taking his time wandering up and down the by-streets and watching the shop windows on the way. Too much time wasn't a good thing. He was beginning to grow nervous again. Was this really a good idea? If he left right away, he could be back at home before his mother and avoid a storm. Surely there would be other times when he could meet people at Shizuku no kai, if he really wanted.
On the other hand, he did want to see Hikaru. And if he waited until the boy left school, he wouldn't be home in time anyway. Unable to make his mind he wandered onward, until finally the school came into view. He glanced at his watch – still fifteen minutes. Staying on the other side of the street he walked by the school, then turned and walked back. The minutes rolled by so slowly. He stopped opposite to the school gate and tried to think of go problems to make time go by. After a while a group of students left the school. He pulled hastily the coat's hood over his head, hoping none of them would recognize him. He didn't want to get any difficult questions about why he wasn't coming to school anymore. Then, finally, Hikaru appeared between the gates. He was talking with some boys from his class.
Sai hesitated. He hoped they would separate, but they kept on walking together. Was Hikaru going somewhere with them? He watched after them, wanting to call out, but didn't move, didn't get a sound out. He stared at Hikaru's back as the boy walked on with a sinking feeling. So close and yet so…
Someone ran across the street. "Sai? Is it you?" Akari stopped in front of him, grinning. "Great to see you! Why are you just standing there?" She turned, waving his hand. "Hikaru! Come here! C'mon! It's Sai!"
Sai winced a little as she yelled out his name. Some people looked at their direction, but luckily Hikaru was the only one who stopped and, after a quick word to his companions, jogged to them.
"Sai!" The grin on his face was even wider than on Akari's. "What are you doing here? I thought you were still grounded!"
"What, again?" Akari put in.
"I am," Sai said, realizing he too was grinning like an idiot. "I just wanted to see you." On an impulse he hugged Hikaru, tight, as the boy stopped in front of him. "I've missed you so much!"
"Yeah, well, me too," Hikaru said, giving him a quick and somewhat stiff hug back, and Sai released his grip.
A moment they just stood there, the three of them, in a perfect triangle. Hikaru was watching Sai, the look in his eyes more thoughtful than Sai remembered ever seeing.
"You came here without permission," Hikaru said. It wasn't a question, but Sai nodded. "Won't your parents be mad?"
"Surely. But it doesn't matter. I wanted to see you. Both of you," he added looking at Akari. "I'm going to Shizuku no kai later today, and I thought that if I'm anyway going to do something like that, I might as well come to see you too now. Who knows when I get the next chance."
"Shizuku no kai?" Akari asked. "That intersex group?"
"Yes," Sai replied. "They're having a meeting today." He gave the girl a cautious look. Akari, whose smiling gaze had been moving from him to Hikaru and back again, turned suddenly much more serious. She didn't seem to be in anyway disturbed or anything, though, Sai noted in relief.
"That place?" Hikaru said, still uncharacteristically thoughtful. He glanced around. "Should we go somewhere and not just stand here? How long do you have, when are you going there?"
"Oh, maybe a bit over an hour," Sai said, wondering if he wanted to be there early or late. Which would be better?
"How about going to our park?" Akari suggested. Sai smiled a little. 'Our park.' But that was the way he had come to think of the place too, even though they hadn't spent there that much time for a long while.
It was a beautiful day, one of the warmest of that spring so far. As they came to the park they headed to the playground, and Akari sat into a swing. Sai hesitated a moment and sat then to the one next to her. They swayed slightly back and forth, and Hikaru leaned against the swing, watching them.
"How…" Hikaru and Sai both said at the same time, and laughed.
"You first," Sai said.
"How's it going? With your parents and all? I guess not too well…"
Sai shrugged. "They didn't like my piercings," he said, and felt a little ridiculous. It was such a small thing, compared to everything. Why had it become such an overwhelmingly important matter?
"Yeah." Hikaru looked at him. "I heard from Akari you'd gone and had your ears pierced. School's not going to like them either."
"I know. I won't wear them at school. If I come back." He half hoped he would. "It's in a way so much simpler not to go to school," he said with a sigh. "But I've started to understand why you don't like the idea of being taught by your mother."
Hikaru grinned. "I bet."
"What were you going to say, Sai?" Akari asked.
"Oh, just… ask how it's going at school."
"The usual," Hikaru said with a shrug. "Nothing new. You know, Matsuda-sensei's retiring, and we'll get a new biology teacher for next year. He's been all emotional about it too, got almost weepy during the class yesterday. I don't know if I want to see what he's like during the last day…"
"I think I'm going to miss him," Akari said sadly. "He's so sweet! I wish he'd have stayed for our last year…"
"Sweet?" Hikaru grimaced. "Seriously?"
Akari gave him a look. "Matsuda-sensei is sweet!" She glanced at Sai as if for support and Sai nodded. "See? If he's not sweet to you… well, maybe you should think a moment why."
Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Whatever. But, anyway, there isn't really anything else going on. It's the same boring place as always. Even more boring now that you're not there to play speed go during the breaks," he added glumly.
"Yeah, poor Hikaru!" Akari said lightly. "He has to be content with us go club members. You know," she said, turning to Hikaru with a smile so that her swing started swirling a little, "I could play with you during the breaks if you want."
Hikaru snorted. "Why would I want to play with you? I should give you a ton of stones for there to be any point!"
Akari's smile turned a little icy, and Sai watched her sadly. Sometimes he just wanted to smack Hikaru.
"So," Akari said turning to Sai and swirling the swing even more, her smile again fixed to be as sweet as ever, "so why are you going to that place today?"
Sai told her how he had once gone there with Hikaru and Akira and of everything he had learned there, and of the meeting they were having now. "I found out about this meeting totally by accident, today, so I had to make my mind awfully fast. Luckily my parents weren't home then. Mother probably is by now," he added a little darkly. She had to be worried, he thought, feeling a little guilty. She couldn't even call him to check on him – though then again, that was their own fault, as they had taken his phone away.
Hikaru and Akari watched him quietly as he sat there deep in his thoughts. He looked up at them and carefully made his expression more cheerful again. Hikaru frowned.
"It's been quite long," the boy said. "I mean, since you… found out about all this. Isn't anything happening? That is, it just seems that you, and your parents too… you aren't really moving in any direction. Is there any progress at all? It's almost like you're just grounded all the time, and… that isn't really going to fix anything, is it? I was talking about it with Touya the other day," he went on, and Sai, who had been wondering since when had Hikaru been so insightful, smiled a little – so it was Akira behind those thoughts. "He said you should talk things through with them, once and for all, and reach some kind of an understanding."
Sai sighed. "That's easier said than done."
"That's what I said to him too," Hikaru said.
"I don't really get why they're making it such a big number," Akari put in. "I mean, I was reading all kind of stuff since we last met, and I admit it's really weird in a way, but still. It's all just… some kind of hormonal thing or something, right? So isn't it then kind of like being sick? And it isn't anybody's fault or anything if they're sick, and… if you get some medication… it should all be alright, shouldn't it?"
She was watching him with such wide, innocent eyes that Sai decided he needed to be careful with his words and not just say what he wanted to say. "That's just the problem. My parents think I'm sick, or father at least does, and that I could be 'fixed' with medication. But… the thing is… I know I'm not exactly what people think 'normal', but I don't really feel 'sick' either. I'm not yet exactly sure what I want but… I know if I don't want to get any medication unless I absolutely must. And recently I've been thinking… why can't I just be what I am?" he finished, his exasperation leaking into his voice.
Hikaru and Akari were both quiet. He felt himself blush again under their gazes. "I mean, didn't you say that I'm a great person, no matter what else I am," he muttered at Akari, blushing even more strongly.
She blushed too. "Yes! Of course, I mean, of course you are! And I didn't mean, that is, if you don't want to of course you don't have to, and of course there's nothing wrong with you, I just think…"
"I think you're an idiot," Hikaru said softly, and huge teardrops appeared in the corners of Akari's eyes.
Sai glared at Hikaru. "Don't be so mean! No, you're not," he said to Akari. "This isn't any easy thing to figure out. I've been trying to, for months, and I'm still at a loss."
She gave him a tearful smile. "Thanks. And I'm sorry. If I… offended you or anything? I might not understand everything, but I did mean what I said back then."
Sai smiled back at her. "It's a great thing to have friends like you," he said, and the girl laughed embarrassedly, throwing her head back.
"You two are getting kind of yucky," Hikaru muttered.
Sai turned his smile to him. "Can you play blind go?" he asked, and Hikaru nodded, a bit surprised.
"I've tried it with Touya."
"Great! Shall we play, then?" Sai glanced at Akari. "If it's okay for you…"
"Sure! The way Hikaru's been whining about not getting to play with you is just about enough to drive me crazy. I'll be happy to watch!" She paused, confused. "Or… listen? Oh my. I wonder how long I'll manage to follow you…"
Sai laughed. "We'll see! This will be good practice for you too."
He ended up playing two rounds of blind go with Hikaru. The temptation to play even more and forget all about the meeting was great, but when the second game was over Akari glanced at her watch and asked if he shouldn't be going yet. He was too embarrassed to say he was too scared to go there, and so reluctantly he got up.
When he came to Shizuku no kai the meeting had been going on for a while. Or maybe party would be a better word, he thought as he stood behind the door, listening to the noises from behind it. How he regretted now having mentioned this to Hikaru and Akari. They were bound to ask him what it had been like. How could he say he had turned away at the door? But even thinking about that wasn't enough to make his hand rise and knock on the door.
As on his first visit, he was again whisked in by other people.
"Oh, hello!" a delighted voice exclaimed behind his back. "A new face! Are you coming to the party?"
Sai turned around with a start and, in his confusion, nodded. "I, yes, I guess…"
"Wonderful!" the middle-aged woman exclaimed, and pushed the door open. "Get in, then!" And before Sai had time to say anything he was inside.
The office room was quite different from the last time he had been there. For one thing, it was now full of people. The desk and chair were moved to the wall, there was quiet music on and some snacks and drinks on the desk. The woman walked straight into the crowd but Sai stopped by the door, staring at the people, old and young, male and female – at least to the eye.
He really wasn't sure if he wanted to be there. He wondered if he could just slip away without anyone noticing, but then he saw someone waving at him. He blinked, wondering if he should know the boy who came to him smiling widely.
"Hi!" the boy said, and Sai nodded, confused. "I remember you, but you probably don't remember me, right? Weren't you here once before, with the go players?"
Sai nodded again, trying to remember. True, there had been someone else around when they had left, hadn't there? "I'm sorry," he said. "I don't…"
"No problem!" The boy waved his apology aside. "I'm Hoshino Haru," he said.
"Fujiwara Sai," Sai said. He glanced around. "Is Shizue-san here?"
"In the kitchen, preparing more snacks. Come to say hello to her!"
They walked through the room, and he nodded in passing to strangers who greeted him. Sai found it himself a little amusing about how relieved he was when he saw Shizue. Of course everyone seemed to be quite friendly, but still, a familiar face was something he needed right then. Like Haru had said, Shizue was just piling some snacks into a bowl, accompanied by one of the prettiest girls Sai had ever seen.
"Sai-kun!" Shizue exclaimed, seeing him. "You came, how wonderful!" She wiped her hands on her dress and gave him a quick hug. "So happy to see you again. I see you've already met Haru-kun. This is Miwako," she said, nodding toward the girl.
"Fujiwara Sai," Sai said, and the girl said a quiet hello. He paused a moment to watch her – delicate and petite with long, wavy hair… she was like a doll. Her voice too was sweet.
Shizue didn't give him long to just stand around. "Come, you need to meet people," she said, grasping Sai's arm. "Haru-kun, would you please take that?" She nodded at the bowl.
Sai followed her, smiling hesitantly to the people she introduced him to. They paused to chat with a married couple – whether they were both intersex or just one, and if so which one, Sai didn't know. Haru joined them too and Miwako followed him, pretty much glued to him. For the most part Sai let them do the talking, just smiling and nodding and laughing when it was appropriate, making small noises every now and then so that it would at least seem like he was taking part in the conversation. He knew differently though: he could have been removed from the picture, and it would have changed nothing in what people said and did.
Shizue disappeared somewhere at some point, and Haru got into a lively conversation about soccer with some young men. Sai wished he had paid more attention to Hikaru's talk of the recent games so that he might have actually said something – or at least known what the others were talking about. He sipped his drink, realizing he wasn't even pretending to be a part of this discussion anymore, and wondered if he should just leave. At least he had visited the place and not just chickened out.
On the other hand, if he left so soon he might have just as well never come there in the first place.
"You don't care about soccer either, do you?" someone asked, and with a start he remembered that Miwako was still there too.
"No… it's kind of fun to play, I guess, but I've never even seen a single real game."
Miwako nodded, watching him thoughtfully, and Sai took another sip, a little anxious. Everything about her was so utterly girly Sai found it difficult to believe there would be anything abnormal about her. He winced a little at the thought, immensely happy he wasn't like Hikaru who'd blurt aloud everything that happened to pass his mind. Still, he paused to wonder if he could just ask if (and how) she was intersex too, or if he should wait for her to volunteer that information.
"What did your parents think about you coming here?" Miwako asked before he had reached a decision.
Sai blinked, caught off-guard. "Umm, they… that is…" He glanced around and saw that no one was paying them any attention. "I didn't tell them," he confessed quietly, almost in a whisper and a little embarrassed.
Miwako smiled widely and sunnily. "Well, that makes two of us, then!" She leaned closer to him and whispered conspiratorially, "They think I went to movies with my friends."
Sai found himself blinking once again. "Oh…" he started to say, but didn't know how to go on. Despite her smile there was something deeply bitter in her eyes that made him even more uncomfortable.
"Well," Miwako added with a shrug as she straightened again, "we just have to deal with the parents we were given, right?"
"Umm, yeah," Sai uttered and tried to make his brain function. After all, here was finally someone who seemed to be having same kind of trouble as he, so why couldn't he say anything sensible?
"Are you…" he started to say, but a happy voice cut him off.
"Sai-kun!" Shizue appeared by his side as if from nowhere. "Say, don't you play go?"
"What?" Sai stared at her, trying to comprehend what that question had to do with anything.
"Go! I'm sure you said something about go when we first met? And your friends were playing go too, a distinctly remember that! It's just that Kimiko-san here is also a go player."
"Yes, I do play go…" Sai said, glancing from the middle-aged woman who accompanied Shizue to Miwako and back, probably for the first time in his life finding a go-related interruption annoying.
"I must admit that I'm just about as interest in go as I'm in soccer," Miwako said smiling sweetly. "I think I'll go to get more to eat!"
Sai looked after her as she headed toward the buffet.
"I hope we didn't interrupt anything," Shizue said.
Sai shook his head slightly, turning back to her. "No… we can always talk more later." He gave Shizue's companion a smile. "It's always fun to meet other go players."
The woman smiled at him. "So it is! Especially someone so young. Go playing teenagers are a rare thing indeed! Oh, I'm Kawakami Kimiko."
"Fujiwara Sai," Sai said with a little laugh and bow. "And yeah, I've noticed that."
"Have you played long?"
"Oh, quite… I saw people playing on TV once when I was five, and got hooked right away." Sai smiled a little – he could still remember his mother's confusion about his sudden insistence of getting a go board for his birthday instead of any 'cooler' toys. These were some of his very first memories, the go match on the TV probably the first.
"So you've played longer than me!" the woman said, laughing aloud. "I'm about 11-kyu," she went on. "What about you?"
"Oh, in kyu-rankings… well, actually I…" Sai paused, and after a short consideration said, "I'm planning to become a professional player."
That earned him a surprised look. "Really? In that case… I think I must ask for a game. It'll have to be blind go, though, here… but surely that is not a problem?"
"Not at all," Sai said with a smile. "I'd be happy to play with you, Kawakami-san."
"Oh, just call me Kimiko," she said as they settled down in a quiet corner. Sai nodded, and they agreed on the handicap and started the game.
A long while passed with them immersed in their game and then in discussing it. Sai didn't even notice Miwako who came to say goodbye before she spoke up.
He looked up, startled. "Are you leaving already?"
"The movie ended long ago," she said with a little wink. "I should be home already. See you some day?"
"Yeah, sure… probably…"
She nodded and seeing Haru on the other side of the room ran to say goodbye to him too. Sai watched a moment as she was talking with Haru, and then with a sudden start glanced at the clock on the wall. It was later than he had thought.
"I probably should be going too…" he said. "My parents must be… expecting me."
"A shame," Kimiko said. "I'd have liked to play more with you. But good luck to your future career! I'm sure you'll have no trouble turning pro." She gave a little laugh. "Hey, you'll be the very first intersex go pro, you know? At least the first one I know of."
Sai paused. "Yeah…" He had momentarily all but forgotten what kind of a get-together this was. He gave Kimiko a hesitant glance. "Could I ask…" he started, but fell quiet, uncertain.
He had a feeling he hadn't before really looked at her at all. Tall, thin, clear-skinned, with short, wavy hair with the first few strands of gray in it… she seemed in every regard so perfectly normal. He bit his lip, again blushing a little at his own thoughts, and looked down.
"I've got complete AIS, in the case that was what you were wondering," she said, and Sai looked up, eyes widening.
"AIS? That's what… I mean, I…"
"You've got it too? Partial AIS, is it?" She smiled a little, quickly and a little bit sadly, as Sai nodded. "Well, we're something of comrades in misfortune then, aren't we?"
"You think it's that?" Sai asked quietly.
"What?"
"Misfortune."
"Having AIS?" She seemed to consider this for a moment. "Well, not so much anymore. But it certainly hasn't made my life any easier… I wasted years because of this, being afraid of how people would react. Sometimes I wish I could travel past in time to give my younger self a proper kick on the… backside, and tell her to start living her life."
"How did you find out?" Sai asked, wondering if she too had been fooled by her parents.
"Oh, that was when I was a teenager. Up until then I'd lived a perfectly normal life… but then puberty came and my period never started, and when we went to examine the reason I was diagnosed with CAIS." She shook her head a little. "That was truly an interesting time… Imagine being a fourteen-year-old girl and suddenly told that you're male. That's what they actually said! And all 'therapy' I received was just them telling me not feel bad about it. About being male. Can you imagine a more absurd thing to say?"
Sai shook his head carefully. "So… no one knew before that?" he yet had to ask.
"No. There was no reason to suspect anything was off when I was a child."
Sai nodded a little, looking down at his hands, thinking. Then he looked up again. "I really must be going now," he said and got up.
Kimiko nodded. "Are you sure you don't want to talk more about this?" she asked. "It's all right for me…"
Sai shook his head. "Thank you, but not right now. It was fun playing with you, Kimiko-san. Thank you again."
"Well, if you ever want to have a chat…" She took a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. "My number."
"Thanks." Sai put it carefully into his wallet and went to say his goodbyes to Shizue and others.
As he walked home he was wondering if he should have stayed a little longer. He didn't often get such chances, to talk with people like him. And that was what he had gone there for… and in the end he had spent most of the time playing go. He shook his head. So typical.
At least he had Kimiko-san's phone number. He could call her some day. Maybe even meet her, for some more go. That would be fun. Now… he'd better start thinking what to say to his parents when he got home. He could imagine what kind of an ordeal that would be. He came up with various ways to start his explanation, but nothing worked. The worst thing was that he knew he had done wrong when he had left the way he did. He was glad he had, though. This was truly something he simply had had to do… but how could he explain that to his parents? They would never understand.
He came in quietly, without his usual "I'm home!" call. He walked straight to the living room where he knew his parents would be. As he saw them waiting for him he got the feeling that he was following the script of some strange play, where things would always just repeat themselves and no conclusion would ever be reached. His father opened his mouth, and he hurried to speak before him.
"I'm sorry," he said, bowing. "I know I shouldn't have done this. But there was this meeting at Shizuku no kai where I simply had to go to, and I heard of it only today so I didn't have time to ask."
His father's eyes had narrowed at the name of the IS group, his mother's hand touched her temple.
Sai straightened his back and looked at them steadily. "It's just that… I am not going to spend the rest of my life confined into this house," he said, surprising himself with his calm. "I am not going to get rid of these piercings. I'm sorry you feel so strongly about them… but so do I. And, you know, if I don't ever get out, I'll just go mad here."
His parents were just watching him, quietly, and as they said nothing he carried on. "It feels like I'm a jack-in-the-box," he tried to explain. "The spring's too tight and the box too small. It's like I'm going to bounce out any moment now, and I don't know what will happen then."
From the way they were looking at him he guessed they didn't understand. Which didn't really surprise him at all. He sighed. "I'll go to my room then, okay? And stay there. And fine, I'll be grounded for however long you decide. Maybe I'll manage a while."
He turned to go. "Sadao," his father's voice came from behind him. He knew the tone, and realized there was no point to reason with him. "You are making this horribly difficult for all of us."
"I?" He turned back to them. "You're the ones who are so awfully stubborn and don't let me be myself!"
"You are simply confused about who you are, that's all," his father stated glumly. "We hoped the therapy would help you to find yourself, but it seems it isn't working that well, so far."
Sai couldn't help rolling his eyes. "If it weren't for you I wouldn't even need any therapy," he muttered. "Can't you see even that?!"
His father scowled at him. Mother was still sitting on her chair, the tiniest frown wrinkling her forehead, the hand still raised to her temple.
"Everything we do is just to help you, for your own good, "she said. "You know we love you dearly, and…"
"The hell you do!" Sai exclaimed. "You don't love me. You love whatever you imagine I should be, but not what I really am! I'm just not good enough for you as I am, cause you think I'm some kind of a freak! Don't you?!" he all but shrieked.
There was a stunned silence, and he turned around and ran upstairs. "Sadao!" his mother sprung to her feet, calling after him, but he didn't pause. He rushed to his room, slammed the door shut behind him and to be double sure blocked it with a chair. Of course, that wouldn't stop anyone determined to get in, but it was just to make the point.
"Sadao?" he heard his mother's voice behind the door. She tried it a little, and finding it blocked called his name again. "Sadao, listen. You don't really think like that, darling, do you? Of course we love you! Listen…"
He didn't want to listen. He went to his bedroom and closed that door too, and lying down on his bed buried his head under his pillow. There was no 'of course' about it at all. He knew he was right. However much they would claim to love him, it wouldn't be enough to accept him as he was.
"Just let me be!" His yell was muffled against the pillow. He was beginning to wish he hadn't come home at all. Maybe he could have gone to Hikaru's again. They could have played more go. Hikaru's mother would have prepared them a supper, something simple but tasty. And she'd watch them with her big worried eyes and wonder, and… he was sure if he told her… she wouldn't be like that. She certainly wouldn't be like that. Why couldn't she be his mother?
...
The next meeting with the therapist was a long one. Not just because he had so much to say, but because of the long silences, when he didn't know what to say. When it was time to go, he slipped out of the place so that his mother who had been waiting for him didn't notice. No matter how much he talked with the therapist, he wasn't ready to talk with her. He had thought he would walk back home on his own, just to clear his head – maybe call his mother on the way so that she wouldn't worry, but as he realized what time it was he suddenly changed directions.
Akira's face was delighted when he showed up at the go salon without a warning. "Sai! Is your grounding over?"
"No," he said shortly and sat down. "Let's play," he said before Akira could say anything. The boy was watching him with wide eyes and a little parted lips, the very image of amazement, and he smiled a bit. "Like Kaga-san once said, I'm a wannabe delinquent."
Akira blinked and sat back down by the go board. They started the game in silence. Sai's phone rang at one point, and with a quick apology to Akira he answered it. "Mother? Yes, I know. I'm at Touya's go salon. We're in the middle of a game, can't leave now. Yeah, sure." He put the phone away, muttering yet "sorry about that," and went on with the game.
Akira gave him a long look before playing his move.
"Mother's coming to get me," Sai said after a while, "so if it's okay for you, I think we should play faster."
Akira nodded. He looked like he wanted to say something but remained quiet. For a while there came no sound except the constant snap of the stones.
"Sai," Akira said finally. "I don't think you should…" He left the sentence unfinished.
Sai smiled a little. "I know," he said. "I shouldn't, but sometimes I just have to, you know?"
Akira gave him a frowning look. "I'm just worried about you," he said then.
"I know," Sai said quietly. "I'm sorry. I don't want to worry anyone, but it seems that's all I'm doing these days… I'm just… I'm just growing so tired of this. Of… everything. Sometimes I…" He left in his turned the sentence hanging, and didn't finish it, despite Akira's questioning look. "Nothing," he just muttered in the end.
Akira said nothing.
His mother appeared in the go salon when they were immersed in the end game. Sai didn't even notice her coming, for it was a tight game and it took all his concentration to keep his slight lead. The game ended in his half a moku win.
"Thanks for the game," Akira said.
"Thank you for the game," Sai replied, grinning at him. "I really needed that." Akira returned his smile shortly.
"I think your mother's here," he said then, and Sai glanced around and realized she was standing by their table.
"I guess I must be going then." He stood up hastily and grasped his bag as Akira started cleaning the board.
"Oh, you're leaving, Fujiwara-kun?" one of the men in the salon said. "Could I ask for a teaching game then, Akira-sensei?"
"Of course, Hirose-san" Akira replied levelly, placing the last black stones into their bowl. He nodded at Sai. "See you."
Sai followed his mother out. She hadn't yet said a word, and she kept the silence until they were in the car.
"Who won?" she asked then, surprising him.
Sai glanced at her and looked then out. "I," he said. "With just half a moku, though."
"Was it a good game?"
He smiled a little, still watching out. "Yeah."
They spoke no more during the drive. At home Sai expected her to say something, but she kept quiet, didn't even tell him to go to his room – which he did nevertheless. Even in the evening when his father came home she said nothing, and Sai suspected that she hadn't told him about his little escapade at all.
Sometimes he couldn't quite understand his mother, but he didn't complain.
The greatest surprise was coming the next day, when in the evening his parents told him he wasn't grounded anymore.
As his father made the announcement he could just blink. "I, uh… thanks?" he got out, feeling he should say something.
His mother smiled a little. "It seems to me that we were at some kind of an impasse. It wasn't good for anyone. Let's try again." She gave Sai a little hug.
"Thank you, mother," he muttered. "Father." He felt like they expected him to say something more, but he didn't know what. After a short silence his father sat down.
"We want to know where you are and what you do," he grumbled. "And ask permission before you go anywhere. Especially to strange places like… like that." Sai knew without asking he meant Shizuku no kai.
"Could I go out now, then?" he asked, excited. "To meet Shindou?"
"Of course." His mother smiled at him and gave him his cell phone which he happily received. "Come home for dinner."
He rushed out, calling Hikaru on the way, hoping the boy was home. He was, and Sai hurried over. They locked themselves up in Hikaru's room to play several rounds of speed go, as if to take back all the days that had passed when they couldn't play.
"That meeting you went to, at that IS place," Hikaru said when they were done with the games. "What was it like?"
"Just… a general gathering. To be honest, I was really scared to go there, but I'm glad I did. I met some interesting people there. Haru-kun was there too – remember, we saw him shortly when we first visited the place? And then there was this girl…" A shadow passed on his face as he thought of Miwako. "I didn't really get to know her as well as I'd have wanted to. I don't know… she smiled a lot but somehow I got a feeling she's really unhappy. She seems to have trouble with her parents too." He fell silent and drew a deep breath. "Poor girl," he muttered then. "I think she's got a thing for Haru-kun, but he doesn't even notice. …maybe he really is a guy. He's almost as oblivious as you are," he added with a look at Hikaru.
"Me?" Hikaru blinked. "What do you mean?" There was a strange, a little panicky edge in his voice, but Sai didn't even notice.
"I mean Akari," he said quietly. "She likes you."
"Akari?" Hikaru barked out a short, relieved laugh. "I thought… wait, what? Akari likes me?!"
Sai gave him a look. "Oblivious."
"Well, yeah, maybe." Hikaru ran his fingers through his hair, looking quite ill at ease. "So, what did you do at the meeting? Talk about intersex stuff?"
Sai couldn't resist rolling his eyes. "No. Or, well, yes, of course we did talk also about some 'intersex stuff' as you put it… like there was this woman with CAIS there, and we talked a bit. I should call her some day, now that I've my phone back, I really want to talk more with her. Oh, and she, Kimiko-san, she plays go! We played some blind go and it was really fun. Actually, maybe I should call her and ask if she'd like to meet some day again at some go club so we could play more, and maybe talk a bit, too. But otherwise, mainly we just… hung around. Ate and chatted. "
"…that sounds kinda… awfully normal."
"Yeah." Sai paused, looking into the distance. "They were really nice people," he finally muttered. "And when we were talking about go, I totally forgot there was anything weird about them. I guess… they're just people, you know? Weird, normal… just… people." If he just could make the world – or at the very least his parents – to understand that.
...
A few days later he found that there were more surprises in store for him. After they were finished with the day's schooling, his mother told him she had something to tell him. The little smile tugging her lips told him it was good news – or at least something she considered good news.
"I have been talking with your father about go," she said, and his heart thumped. "It might be we never really understood what it means for you. But seeing you play with Touya-kun… made me realize how seriously you take it."
Sai blinked, realizing to his surprise that this must have been the first time his mother had ever seen him play a serious game. Could that truly have been all it took to turn her head?
"We still do not see go as a proper occupation for you," she went on, and now his heart sank a bit, "but, as I've said before, that shouldn't stop you from playing, if you enjoy it so much. So." She smiled. "There is this children's meijin tournament, held in April, and I've entered you there."
Sai just stared at her. "What?" was all he could say.
"I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun there!" she said, her smile widening. "Don't you think so?" The smile faded a little as she realized he didn't seem as excited about it as she probably had imagined.
"Mother, please, it's…" He closed his eyes in exasperation. How could he make her understand? "I'm too good for that kind of tournaments! Playing against children! It wouldn't be fair for me to go there."
The smile had disappeared from her face and she gave him a tight-lipped look. "Aren't you being a little arrogant there? You're still a child yourself! There are two separate competitions, one for elementary school students and one for middle school students, so you would be competing with your own age group. But of course, if you really don't want to go there, we can always cancel it."
She was displeased with him, he could see it clearly.
"I'm sorry, mother. It was very nice of you, it's just not…" He paused to consider.
His parents truly had no idea how good he was. Could he somehow take advantage of that?
He thought, fast. "You don't think I'm that good, do you?" he said. "So if I go there, and win that tournament, will you let me take the pro exam next autumn?"
"Sadao!" His mother gave him a reproaching look. "What kind of attitude is that? I just suggested this tournament because I thought you might like it. That is all."
Sai wasn't giving up yet. "Why not? What if I win that tournament without losing a single game? Would you then agree? And if I promise I won't talk more about becoming pro if I don't win?"
She sighed and gave him a frowning look. "Sadao…"
"You could ask father, couldn't you?"
"It's just ridiculous," his mother said. "You should forget such notions."
Sai shrugged. "In that case, you might as well cancel it. I'm sorry, mother," he added softly, seeing how disappointed he was.
"Well, it's your business, I guess," his mother said and left it at that.
...
Having once again been reminded of his dream, Sai couldn't forget it easily. All the turmoil in his life had for a while put such problems in the background, but now that he had again thought about it, he knew he wouldn't be able to give up easily.
And there was Akira, too. He really should take the pro exam this year. Sai wasn't sure if he could talk the boy into doing it if he didn't take it too, though. He thought about just taking part into the exam without telling his parents, but… that would be quite hard. He might get through the preliminaries without them wondering anything, and he could easily spare enough money for the fee, but once the two months long test would start… that would be impossible.
Maybe if he passed the preliminaries, they would let him take part in the test too?
That was wishful thinking, he knew it. And maybe he should try to get his life otherwise in order before starting on such a new path. What would the professional go world think about him, if they ever found out? After all, for reasons he didn't quite understand, professional go tournaments too were divided by gender, just like those for middle school students. It would be so much easier to fit in if he just could figure himself out before starting his career.
That was what reason told him, but he had never been one to listen to reason where go was concerned. He decided to try to talk his parents over again.
"Father," he started his new appeal that night, when they were all relaxing after dinner. "I'm sorry to bring this up again, but I want to take the pro exam this year."
His father lowered the magazine he had been reading with a sigh. "I believe we have told you before what we think about this."
"Yes. But the fact is that this is about my life – and some day I will become a professional go player, no matter what you say." He found it a bit frightening to say that aloud, but at the same time he realized he really meant it. "I wouldn't want to go against your wishes," he continued hurriedly, "but I know what I want. I'll take the test as soon as I become a legal adult, but I'd rather not wait that long. And no, I wouldn't drop out of school for something like this!" he added hurriedly, guessing what his father was going to say. "I can still study, even if I am a go pro. In fact, I want to study, too."
His father just looked at him a long moment, face expressionless. "No," he said then and turned back to his magazine.
Sai knew it was pointless to continue now. "I'm not going to give up so easily," he still said before returning to his room.
True to his words, he brought the matter up often – not too often, for he didn't want to bug his parents too badly, but often enough not to give them a chance to forget it. Still it didn't take too long before his father lost his patience.
"I do not want to hear another word of this anymore, do you understand!" he yelled one night when Sai again brought the subject up after dinner, banging a fist against the table so that his mother jumped. "Not another word!"
"I'm sorry, father," Sai said. Shortly he thought that it wasn't so long ago when he too would have been frightened by his father's explosion. "You will hear more of it. I told you I'm not giving up."
His father's face was red, redder than he remembered ever seeing. "How can you not understand that this silly dream is not something you should pursue! You need to get a proper education!"
"I'm trying to tell you I can have a proper education even if I am a go pro!" Sai exclaimed, his patience running thin, too. "And if you're worried about my livelihood, you shouldn't! Didn't you see Touya's place? You can make a lot of money in go!"
"I don't think you should use the Touya family as an example," his father growled back. "After all, as you so often used to tell us, Touya-san is the best currently living go player in the whole world. I can easily believe he doesn't lack money. It's impossible to say how you would fare, on the other hand, so…"
"I would fare just as well," Sai cut him off. "Well," he amended, "I might not become quite the best, but I know that I and Touya-kun will some day be at the top of the go world."
A moment his father just stared at him, a cold look on his face. "How have you become so arrogant?" he then spat out. "I did not raise you to be like that!"
"It's not arrogance, it's facts! I know my skill. You don't! You don't even play go, so you don't really have a clue of what you're talking about!"
"No clue, huh? What a thing to say to your father! Besides, how good you are doesn't matter! Playing games is no proper occupation!"
Sai returned his glare, literally fuming. "Think what you want," he said then. "I'm going to become a go pro. There's nothing you can do to stop me."
His father stood up. "You think so?" he asked, and Sai took a step back seeing his expression. "I think that you'd better return to your room and consider carefully what you're doing and saying. I want this nonsense to stop! When you come down again, I want you to behave yourself, talk no more this garbage… and be without those piercings!"
Sai's eyes flared. "Aren't we done with that yet? I can behave myself, alright. But as for those two other points, not going to happen!"
"You…!" he father stared to yell, but this time his mother cut him off.
"Can't you both stop that screaming and just talk about this?" she exclaimed. "You're making my head ache…"
Sai glanced at her. She really had her soon-I'll-have-migraine expression on her face. He shrugged. "I have said all I've got to say."
"So have I," his father said. Their gazes locked, equally stubborn, and his mother sighed loudly.
"I don't know," she muttered, falling down on a chair. "I just don't know what I should do with you two. Why… why can't we just…" The sentence was left hanging as she sat there, leaning her forehead against her hand.
"I… had a suggestion," Sai said carefully. They both looked at him. "About that tournament… it's not too late yet, is it?"
"You mean that silly business about getting to take the pro exam if you win it?" his father said. He sat down with a snort. "You certainly are full of yourself. Wouldn't hurt for someone to take you down a peck or two. What was that tournament like, again?"
"There are first regional preliminaries," his mother replied quietly. "And then the winners play in the actual tournament."
"So you'd have to be the best kid in the whole Tokyo, even to get to play in the tournament?" his father muttered. "And even if you somehow managed to win it, then there's still the actual pro exam…" He fell quiet, thinking, and Sai waited, barely daring to breathe.
"Very well," his father finally said, looking up at him. "Take part into that tournament. In the unlikely event that you will win it, you can take that pro exam of yours. There is hardly much harm in it – I doubt you would pass it, no matter how good you imagine yourself to be. But at least this will give my nerves – and your mother's – a break!"
Sai fought to keep the grin away from his face. "Thank you, father!" he exclaimed with a bow. He almost added 'you won't regret this' but then figured that he most likely would. But he knew his father, he wouldn't back away from what he had promised.
He rushed upstairs, grasping his phone. Who to call first? He wished he had two phones so that he could call both Hikaru and Akira at the same time. In the end he decided on the one who most concerned about the matter.
"Akira!" he exclaimed as soon as his friend picked up. "I can take the pro exam this year! … well, most likely!"
"What? Really?" Akira's voice carried over at least as much excitement as was swirling inside him.
"Yeah! It's pretty stupid, really… but my parents just don't get how good I am. And mother suggested that I would play in this children's meijin tournament, and I told her children's tournaments aren't for me, and then… well, there's been a lot of arguing and all, but in the end we agreed that if I win that tournament I can take part in the pro exam! And, you know, I'm bound to win it!"
There was a long silence in the other end. "Wait… so you mean you're playing in the children's meijin tournament?" Akira asked.
"Yes," Sai said, a little confused at his tone that had turned quite serious. "I know it's silly but… what about it?"
Akira was again silent a moment. "Father's not going to like it," he said then. "You know he's not letting me play in those tournaments either just because… well, you know it. We're way too good for it. And as you're a student of his… he has a bit of a say in which tournaments you can or cannot play."
"But…" The disappointment was swelling up in Sai, so huge it felt like he'd drown in it. "But, it's… the pro exam," he tried to say, but barely managed to get it out.
Akira sighed. "I know," he said. "Surely there must be some other way. As you said, that's just silly. But… Sai? What's that? You're not crying, are you? Sai?"
Sai held the phone a moment farther away and sniffed his nose. "No," he lied into it then. "I just, I really don't… know…"
"Listen, maybe you should talk with my father first? He might say it's okay… and seriously, if that's all it takes for you get your parents' permission, it's too easy to be true! So how about you come a bit earlier tomorrow, you can talk with him then?"
"…okay," Sai sniffed in the phone.
After the phone call he dropped to lie on his bed, feeling utterly deflated. Akira had a point. He knew well it was downright unfair of him to take part into that tournament. But still… it was unfair too that he wasn't given any other way to win his parents over. What was he supposed to do? Really wait for years until he would be old enough to take the test without his parents' permission? And even then, if he had to do it without their blessing… it could get ugly.
He had been going to call Hikaru right after he was done with Akira, but he didn't feel like that anymore. Instead he just lay there on his bed, again staring at that pure white ceiling that had become much too familiar to him these days.
A/N:
Just for the record: Shizue, Haru, doctor Adachi and Miwako are from Otoko demo onna demo nai sei. All other non-Hikago characters that might pop up are OCs.
Thanks for reading, and a big :heart: to all commenters!