It feels to me go has really been left in the background maybe a bit too much recently, it just was sort of inevitable... but now we're finally getting back to go-related things. So, yay?
Chapter 9
As he had agreed with Akira, Sai headed to the Touya house half an hour earlier than the study group meeting would start. He wasn't sure if Akira had told his father what he wanted to talk about. He hoped so, but somehow had a feeling that he would have to do all explaining himself. He wasn't looking forward to it.
Touya Kouyou was as imposing a sight in his traditional clothing now as he had been when Sai had seen him the first time. He had already grown used to the man and hadn't been bothered about this for long, but now as he sat down opposite to him he felt himself really small under that strict gray gaze.
"Akira told me," the Meijin started, "that you have reached some kind of an agreement with your parents about the pro exam – but that there is something questionable about it. Could you tell me the details?"
Sai nodded, suddenly finding his mouth quite dry. "It… it all started when mother suggested that I could play in the children's meijin tournament," he said. "I told her I shouldn't, but… then… it's just that they don't really have any idea about how good I really am, and that I would probably win that tournament easily, and… and, we were arguing about things, and… then they agreed that if I do take part in that tournament and if I win it with no losses, I can also take the pro exam." It sounded so stupid now that he said it aloud. He had been staring at his hands as he talked and shot now a nervous glance at the man. His face was as impassive as ever, but the look in his eyes was hard.
"There are different sides about this that I do not like", the Meijin finally said. "For one thing, the way you're using your parents' ignorance to advance your goals. It is quite unseemly. And the other you must know yourself: you do not belong to that tournament. It is for children for whom go is a hobby – they may love it and be serious about it in their own way, but they are not ones who could ever enter the professional world. Not even the insei take part into those tournaments. It is not right for someone like you to enter their game and steal it. In fact, I cannot give you my permission to do this."
"But… it's, then I could… take the pro exam… it's just this once, I wouldn't crush my opponents or anything, I just…" His voice faltered away under the look of those two gray stones.
"I'm sorry," Touya Meijin said levelly. "I cannot allow it."
Sai swallowed, once, twice. Whatever he had in his throat wasn't going down. "But I…" he whispered but was unable to go on.
For a moment he had had so high hopes. And now… would his parents give him another chance? Father would never agree to anything after this, just say that they had given him his opportunity and he had chosen not to grasp it.
"Fujiwara-kun," Touya Kouyou said, and now his voice was somehow softer. Sai realized he was shaking. He didn't want to think about it. Going home and telling his parents he wouldn't take part into that tournament. He would be slamming close a door he had been trying to pry open for so long.
The worst part was that he knew the Meijin was right. He hadn't been thinking. In the end, this was his stupid idea, so it was all just his own fault. He had just wanted it so much and in the end been thinking just about himself, and not of all those other children in the tournament for whom it was the culmination of their dreams.
"Fujiwara-kun?" the Meijin repeated, sounding worried now, and he thought he should say something. At the very least he should not start crying right there and then. Not break down again. He covered his face with his hand, tried to force himself to breath calmly and keep it in, but he could feel the pressure increasing within his chest and suddenly knew it was too much.
Couldn't he ask for just one thing go right in his life?
He jumped up with a desperate gasp for air and caught one glimpse of a startled face as he turned and ran, feeling the tears start rolling down.
Akira, who had been waiting in the next room, looked up with a start. "Sai!" he exclaimed as Sai rushed by him. Sai didn't stop but ran straight to the front door, where he almost collided with Ashiwara.
"Ah, Fujiwara-kun!" the young man exclaimed happily. "You're early too! I was worried I… hey, what are you…"
Sai didn't pause. He jumped into his shoes and ran out, leaving an astonished Ashiwara staring after him. "Hey? What is it?" The man was just about to turn back in when he had another near-collision, this time with Akira, who paid to him just about as much attention as Sai did. "Akira-kun?" he called after the boys. "What are you doing? You didn't even put your shoes on! Akira…!"
Akira wasn't listening. He rushed after Sai who still kept on running down the street. He wasn't a fast runner, but luckily the same was true for Sai, and he could catch up quite easily.
"Sai!" he shouted, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Wait! It's not… don't take it… like that," he panted. "We'll come up… up with something else. I know we will."
"You know?" Sai spun around, shaking angrily his hand off. "What do you think you know? You know nothing! You… you don't have any idea wh-what it's like…" His voice broke up in hiccups.
"Sai…" Akira stared at him, not knowing what to say. He had – of course – seen Sai crying before, but never like this. He didn't think he had ever seen anyone cry like this. "C'mon, don't…" He reached again for Sai's shoulder, but the other pulled away. "You need to calm down," he muttered. "Come, let's go back. Let's talk about it more, maybe father will change his mind…"
Sai shook his head. "N-no," he sniffed. "No. He's right. I can't… go to that tournament. It's just… everything's so… I wanted to have something good in my life, and…"
"Now there," Akira said, trying to sound certain though he had never felt so badly at a loss. "We'll come up with something, of course we will. We have no other choice, right?" He patted his pocket and did find a handkerchief in there. "Now, blow your nose," he said offering it to Sai. "Let's go back. Surely together we can find some other way."
Sai gave the handkerchief a teary glare but took it still and wiped his face and nose. "No," he said then. "I don't want to go back. Not now." He sniffed. Akira tried to say something, and he cut him off angrily, "I said I don't want to! I want to be alone now. I want to be left in peace, okay?!"
"Okay, okay." Akira backed off a little. "But… are you going to be alright? I mean, I don't want to leave you alone…"
"I'll be fine," Sai cut him off. "Really." He looked behind Akira and saw Ashiwara's shape appearing on the street. "I'm going. Tell your father I'm sorry. I'll… be back next week, okay? I just… don't want to be around people right now."
"If you're sure," Akira said uncertainly. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"
"Yeah." Sai turned to go, but glanced yet back with a wry smile. "Go back in before you catch a cold."
Akira glanced down. The street was cold under his sock-covered feet. "Sure," he said to Sai's back. "Take care."
Sai said nothing, but it looked like he nodded his head a little. Akira stood there watching after him until Ashiwara jogged to his side.
"Akira-kun?" the young man asked. "What happened? Is he okay?"
Akira sighed and turned to return to his home. "I hope so," he muttered.
.
Sai didn't have any clear idea where he was going as he walked away from the Touya house. On some level he knew he shouldn't have left like that, but he didn't really care. He walked down the street, first briskly, as if he were in a great hurry to get away, but gradually he slowed down. Hands in his pockets, head bent down he shuffled along, trying not to think. All those same old thoughts were making him much too tired.
There were some other people on the streets, but he walked by them without even seeing them. Cars drove by without him paying any attention to them. When he finally stopped, he realized he wasn't anymore sure exactly where he was. He looked around and thought asking someone, but right then he noticed a taxi driving down the street. On an impulse he waved his hand, and the car stopped beside him. As he climbed on the backseat he said Hikaru's address.
The car rolled on and Sai stared out of the window, watching the houses they passed impassively. A long while they traveled in silence, then he realized that the taxi driver had said something.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" he said with a start and turned to look ahead. The bearded driver grinned at him via the mirror.
"I just said that you seem to be quite deep in thought," he said. "And I was right, wasn't I? What are you thinking about?"
"Go, mainly," Sai replied quietly, and the man laughed.
"Oh, really? You play go? Guess what, me too! My favorite thing! Say, did you follow the Honinbou League? What do ya think of Ogata-sensei's latest game? Quite something, huh?"
"Yeah, it was a good game," Sai said, turning to look out again. They might be talking about that game right now in the study group, he thought, and closed his eyes.
The driver was watching him a while through the mirror. "Say, why so serious? If go's something you like, thinking about it shouldn't make your face look like that!"
Sai sighed. "I just… I'd want to be pro, but my parents are against it," he said, and wondered about himself. Why was he talking to a taxi driver?
The man glanced at him over his shoulder, looking surprised. "Really? You think you're good enough?" Sai gave him a look, and he grinned again. "Okay, okay, fine! But isn't it a shame! There aren't enough women in the pro world, if you ask me."
Sai blinked, and decided to say nothing. Less awkward that way. "True," he said quietly. How many female go pros could he name, anyway? Just a handful.
"So, you think they're not changing their minds, huh?" the driver shook his head. "Shame, shame. But hey, you're still young. You can turn pro later, when they've got no say in it, you know?"
"Yeah."
"Doesn't help much now, does it?" The man gave him another glance and shook his head sadly. "Stupid people in this world," he muttered. "What can anyone have against go? Oh well! Not my business to start judging your parents, I guess! Just… hang on there, keep playing, and some day you can show them!"
He grinned at him again, and Sai managed a weak smile. "Thanks. I will."
They were already on Hikaru's home street, and soon the car slowed down. Sai paid the fare. As he was about to step out the driver called yet after him.
"Hey, wait a moment!" As Sai glanced back, the driver gave him a card. "Drop by some day! That's the go salon where I usually play. The name's Kawai. It'd be fun to see your game."
Sai took the card with a quiet thanks, and the man drove away with a wave of his hand.
Hikaru's expression was startled when he opened the door and saw Sai. Then he grinned.
"Hey! What brought you here?"
Sai shrugged, a bit uncomfortable. He didn't know, really. "I just wanted…"
He paused. Hikaru waited a moment and raised then his eyebrows questioningly. "Wanted what?"
Sai shrugged again. "I don't know. Company? Maybe talk a bit…"
"Come in then," Hikaru said and stepped back making room for Sai. "Mom!" he yelled. "Sai's here! We're going to my room, don't bother us!"
"Sai-kun?" Hikaru's mother appeared in a doorway. "Nice to see you, it's been so long."
"Yeah, nice to see you too," Sai replied with a nod. "I'm sorry about coming like this, just showing up… I was in the neighborhood… and…" he didn't really know what he was saying.
Hikaru's mother didn't seem to notice his confusion. "Well, good to see you," she repeated with a smile. "Could you do me a favor and check that Hikaru's really done his homework? Properly? He claims so, but…" she gave her son a look, "we might not mean the same thing with 'properly'."
Hikaru grimaced at her. "Mom! You can't ask Sai to babysit me like that!"
Sai gave a little laugh. "No problem, Shindou-san."
They climbed up to Hikaru's room. "So, what is it?" Hikaru asked right away, closing the door behind them.
Sai shrugged, once more. "Nothing much… shall we check your homework?"
"No," Hikaru said with emphasis. "Not before you tell me what's going on now."
"Nothing's going on," Sai said tiredly. "That's part of the problem, I guess," he muttered. Hikaru looked at him expectantly, and he went on, "I thought I found a way to make my parents let me take the pro exam. For a moment I was so happy. But… it was such a stupid idea. I can't do it…"
"Do what?" Hikaru asked, and Sai explained everything to him.
When he was done Hikaru was frowning. "Isn't that a bit too strict? You've got the same right to take part in that tournament as anyone! Is it your fault if everyone else is so much worse than you?"
"You don't get it, Hikaru," Sai said shaking his head. "It wouldn't be fair. On any level. I can't do it."
"But…" Hikaru started to say, but Sai gave him a look and he fell silent.
"Shall we take a look on your homework then?" Sai asked, and shrugging in his turn Hikaru took out his books, though he was mumbling something unintelligible under his breath.
Quite soon Sai saw that Hikaru's mother knew her son quite well, and he forced the grumbling Hikaru to take another look at his answers on the social studies questions. When they were done Hikaru pushed the books away with a deep breath.
"I need to make sure you'll become a go pro," he muttered. "So that you won't possibly become a teacher. I can't let that happen to the future generations."
Sai laughed out at that. "Don't worry, teacher isn't one of my dream jobs, even if I couldn't be a go pro. Unless I'd be a go teacher…"
"You'd be good at that," Hikaru stated. "But are you sure you couldn't just go that tournament? Or then…"
"Hikaru," Sai said quietly. "I don't want to talk about it now. I want to think about something else."
"So… why don't we play a game then? Now that you're here…"
Sai smiled. "That's always a good suggestion."
As Hikaru took out his magnetic go board Sai sat down on the floor and felt something in his pocket – the card he had gotten from the taxi driver. He took it out and looked at it. 'Heart of Stone'… it seemed perfectly valid.
"What's that?" Hikaru asked. Once he'd told him, the boy gave him a weird look.
"Creepy. Don't go there. Who knows what kinda perv he is."
"I don't know," Sai said, watching the card. "He seemed nice. He thought I was a girl, though."
"Ha, totally a perv!" Hikaru exclaimed. "Hitting on young girls! You're not going there, okay?"
Sai grinned at him. "I wasn't planning to," he said and put the card away. "Let's play!"
.
When he was making his way home, Sai couldn't help thinking how there was nothing in the world that could cheer him up faster than a good game. And possibly the greatest thing of all was to get to play a good game with Hikaru. The boy was getting better all the time, so fast that it almost made him dizzy. He wished he could play more with him, and decided now that he would in the future. He'd start coaching the boy for real. Who knew, maybe some day it wouldn't be just him and Akira, but Hikaru too who would be taking the pro exam…
…the pro exam. The smile died away from his lips. He still didn't know what to tell his parents. How to make them understand? He had a feeling it would be hopeless. His phone peeped, an SMS from Akira. Sorry, I just have to check. Is everything OK?
All is fine, don't worry, he replied, though he didn't really feel that way. How could he make anything fine, as things were going?
He came home, a little later than usual from the study group, but his parents said nothing. They had dinner that Sai forced himself to eat. He noticed his mother giving him looks across the table, but said nothing and didn't look at her.
When the dinner was over he cleared his throat. "Mother. Father. I need to call that tournament thing off."
There was a moment's silence. "Why?" his mother asked then, sounding genuinely surprised.
"It's not… it's not fair," Sai said, staring at his hands. "For one thing, I'm tricking you. If you had understood how good I really am, you wouldn't have agreed to it. And also, it's totally unfair to the other players. They all must be dreaming about winning the tournament… and then I'll come and just grab the victory like that. And…" he realized something else. "What would they think of me if I turn pro later same year? They would surely just despise me."
"But, Sadao…" his mother said, voice hesitant.
He shook his head. "No. I can't take part into that tournament. Touya Meijin thought so too. And he's right." He gave a deep sigh. "I just… can't."
"Perhaps this turning pro thing isn't so important to you in the end," his father started, and he jumped up and ran away, not wanting to listen.
"Sadao!" he heard his mother call after him, but he didn't stop but ran to his bedroom.
"Sadao." His mother followed him and found him sobbing into his pillow. "Now, darling… you really have to stop just running away like that all the time." She sat down on the bed and patted his back. "Listen, if it's that hard for you to skip it, surely you can…"
He raised his head from the pillow. "No I can't! I just can't so leave me in peace!" And he buried his face into the pillow again.
His mother said nothing, just sat there with her hand on his shoulder as he cried on.
After that day no one mentioned the tournament anymore. Sai tried not to think it, but he saw the news in Go Weekly about the representative of Tokyo, a boy called Isobe Hideki. He stared at the page and imagined his name there instead, and shook then his head and threw the magazine away. As he had decided, he played more often with Hikaru, teaching the boy as much as he could. The next time he went to the study group he apologized deeply to Touya Meijin having run away the way he did. The man watched him with a quiet, thoughtful look on his face and nodded then his head without saying anything.
When he met his therapist she noted that he was more quiet than usual. He had nothing to say to that. In general, he had nothing to say.
March came, and the school year ended. He had a talk together with his parents and his therapist of whether or not he should return to ordinary school or continue homeschooling. He knew his mother would have wanted to continue teaching him herself, whereas his father was of the opinion that it was simply silly for him to stay out of school like that – he couldn't really see any sensible reason for it at all. The therapist asked his opinion – and he couldn't really give it. She asked him, quite gently, if there was some specific reason why he was hesitating.
He considered what to say a long while, not looking at anyone. He knew the reason very well, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to say it aloud, to anyone. Maybe to the therapist alone, but not to his parents, or at the very least not to his father.
Besides, being scared wasn't something he himself considered a valid reason. Scared of his classmates' questions, of their attention, of them perhaps noticing something.
"Do you think I could somehow not attend the P.E. classes again?" he asked quietly, still staring at the floor.
"I'm sure we can have it arranged," his mother said.
Sai glanced up. He could guess what the therapist was thinking behind her neutral expression: you can't hide forever.
I can try, Sai thought back to her.
.
The end of the school year brought other big changes around. Tsutsui and Kaga left their school, something that made the place feel much emptier to him. The go club was still there, of course; Tsutsui's legacy. Sai made a quiet promise that he would go there as often as he could.
When the weekend of the tournament arrived he was painfully aware of it. He couldn't help wondering what kind of games they would play. What would their level be? A little voice was whispering to him that perhaps he had been underestimating them, that maybe there was someone among them who could have truly challenged him, and it was all in vain he had given up this chance.
He couldn't believe it, though. Didn't want to believe it. Go Weekly would publish the final game. Then he would see.
He didn't want to wait that long. "Mother," he said, going downstairs. "I'd like to go to watch that tournament. Is it okay?"
She didn't need to ask him which tournament he was talking about. "Who are you going with?"
Sai paused. Hikaru was off with his parents visiting relatives. Akira… he didn't want to go there with Akira. "I think I'll go alone."
His mother frowned. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea." She thought about it a moment. "How about I'll go with you."
Sai blinked, surprised, but it wasn't a question. "Well, if you want to…" he said to his mother's back. She had already gone to choose what to wear.
.
There were so many people at the tournament. Despite everything, Sai felt a warmth grow within him – so many people who loved go. And so many children, too! He sat with his mother among the audience, not minding her presence anymore so much. Looking at the serious faces of the contestants who were waiting for the games to start, he at the same time couldn't help hoping that he too could play there, and be happy that he didn't. This was their game.
He saw Ashiwara among the staff organizing the games, and hoped the man wouldn't notice him – he didn't want to speak with anyone. Luckily he seemed to be quite busy and completely focused on the competition, paying no attention to the audience.
The games started. There were sixteen players left at this stage, eight on the elementary school and eight in the middle school league. They were playing the games at the same time, and though Sai would have wanted to follow also the children's side, his attention was mainly focused on the games played the representative of Tokyo, Isobe Hideki. He wanted to see the game of this boy, the one who was the defending "middle school meijin" from the previous year, and who had also won the elementary school's league twice.
The first game he played wasn't anything particularly impressive, though it might have partly been because his opponent wasn't too good and ended up resigning half-way through the game. Sai was a little disappointed, but turned his attention then to the other games. It didn't take him long to form a basic opinion of the players. Two boys he dismissed right away – they would clearly lose their games. The game played at the table next to Isobe's was the most interesting, and he noted that the boy too had paused to follow it. There one of the players was the only girl among the middle schoolers, a tiny, delicate girl with small hands and straight dark hair that hang like curtains on both sides of her face. Her face was expressionless, but her eyes had a look in them that made Sai pause on her. And her game was good, innovative. She was slightly ahead of her opponent, who wasn't a bad player either. He hoped she would win and play against Isobe.
The girl did win her game, though it became a tight battle during the endgame. Sai was a little disappointed when he realized she would be playing against Isobe in the next round – they were clearly the best players, so it was a shame their face-off happened before the final. But that made the next game all the more interesting. With quite great likelihood the winner of it would also win the tournament.
"You seem to be quite invested," his mother remarked to him quietly when the next round of the games started. Sai blinked. He had already forgotten she was there.
"I hope that girl wins," he whispered to her. "She played really well in the first round. I like her go better than Isobe's. Besides, I don't… like his attitude," he added, taking a look at the boy's face. There was something haughty about him, his expression, the way he handled his stones and during the break spoke to the staff who were obviously just giving him information about the next round.
"He does look a little arrogant," his mother agreed, which surprised Sai a little. She usually didn't say such things aloud, no matter what she thought. "So, are they good?" she asked.
"Yes," Sai replied, and seeing the sidelong glance she gave him, went on, "There are many kinds of good, you know. They're really good for their age… but not becoming-pro level good. I guess they're good enough they could become insei, and maybe with a lot of practice they could some day be good enough to pass the pro exam. But not yet."
"So you think you'd win?" she asked with a little smile. Sai said nothing. She glanced at him again, and turned then to follow the games too. Briefly Sai wondered if she got anything out of it, for as far as he knew, his mother didn't even know how go was played. Soon he forgot everything else, though, as the game swept him away.
The girl got a good start. Isobe didn't make any clear mistakes, but he failed to take advantage of an opening he had, and a little later she cut his stones off, which put him at a disadvantage. Sai noted with pleasure that the haughty look on his face had been replaced by a concentrated frown. If he wanted to win again, he had to fight for it.
Half-way through the game the girl made a move that made Sai grimace. Not there! he wanted to yell at her. One higher! She probably realized that herself after Isobe's next move, but then it was too late. What lead she had had, she had lost. They entered the endgame evenly. Sai kept on counting the points carefully as they played their stones – and in the end the girl lost, with one and a half moku.
"Damn," Sai muttered leaning back on his chair when he realized the game was over. "It was so close! Just that one little mistake…"
"What?" his mother said. "Did she lose?" Right then the result was announced. "Oh, that's a shame," she said. "She looks like a nice girl."
"Yeah," Sai said with a sigh. He saw Isobe saying something to the girl that made her look down and bite her lip, and frowned.
The older of the two other players had won the other game. So the final would be between him and Isobe. Sai doubted it would become an interesting game, and he was right. Isobe had an easy win. The self-satisfied look on his face once the game was over made Sai almost wish he had in the end taken part in the tournament.
At least the elementary school kids' game had been more fun. He had been following that in the end, and seeing their skill made him happy. They were still so young, maybe they would some day join the insei and start their way toward the world of pros.
"I guess we could go," he said to his mother when the prize ceremony was over and a newspaper man was interviewing the winner. "There's nothing more here to see."
She nodded in agreement. "This was quite an interesting experience," she stated as they made their way out of the hall. "I have never been to such event before."
"It was fun," Sai said a little laconically. He had hoped he could have had a chance to say something to the girl, tell her that she played much more beautiful go than Isobe and that she should never give up, no matter what Isobe or anyone else said, but she disappeared somewhere after the ceremony.
"Wait a moment, will you, I'll be right back," his mother said, nodding towards the toilets.
As he waited he took out his phone to turn the sound back on. Then he noticed that Hikaru, who finally had got that cell phone he had been pestering his parents about, had tried to call him, and he called him back. Hikaru picked up after just a few rings.
"Hi! I thought you were visiting relatives today," Sai said after the boy's cheerful greeting.
"We are," Hikaru replied. "And it's awful! My parents and they are just talking about boring things and I've got nothing to do! I don't get why they wanted me to come here too, this is pure torture!"
Sai grinned at his whiny tone. "I bet it can't be that bad," he said. "Didn't you take anything with you? A book or something?"
"No," Hikaru said sulkily. "Mom said that aunt really wants to see me and I should try to spend time with them and not disappear anywhere. But it's sooo boring…"
"It sounds to me you must have 'disappeared', the way you're talking," Sai noted with a small smile. Hikaru gave a little laugh.
"You can bet! I'm in their yard now. What about you, what you're doing? Would you have time to get online for a game?"
"Not right now," Sai replied. "I went with my mother to follow that tournament."
There was a moment's silence. "Oh, that," Hikaru said then. "How was it?"
"Pretty fun. I'm a bit disappointed, though. I was hoping for better games. There was one player I liked, but she didn't win."
"So, if you'd have been there…?"
"Yeah, I would have won if I'd taken part," he stated thoughtfully. Somehow that made him feel better. He wasn't conceited, in the end. "Without a doubt."
"A shame you weren't playing then," Hikaru said.
"Yeah, kind of," Sai admitted, though for different reasons than what the boy most likely was thinking. "But hey, I'll call you when we're back home, okay? Should take half an hour or a bit more. If you still can play then, maybe we could do that."
"Ok, great! I'll be waiting."
They ended the phone call. When Sai was putting his phone away he realized someone was standing close to him. Glancing behind he saw to his surprise Isobe, who was watching him with an annoyed expression. There was a man behind the boy's back who seemed a little ill at ease, bending to whisper something in the boy's ear, but he just shook his head lightly.
"Oh… congrats on your victory," Sai said, hesitantly, when the other just kept on staring at him.
Isobe frowned. "Did you just say you think you'd have won?"
Sai paused and wondered what to say. The truth was best, he decided finally. "I'm planning to become pro," he said carefully. "This year. So, yes… in a tournament like this… it wouldn't have been unlikely."
"Not unlikely?" Isobe snorted. "Sounded to me you were pretty sure of yourself before. 'Without a doubt', huh? That other girl seemed to think she was great, too, but it wasn't quite so, was it?"
Other girl. Sai opened his mouth, and closed it. "She played really well, and you should know that," he said. "If you're looking down on her just cause she's a girl, you're silly."
"I've yet to meet a girl who could play decent go," the boy said with disinterest air, watching him under heavy lids.
Sai clenched his jaw. "Her go there was more than decent. If you really don't see that, you're not just silly, you're plain stupid," he said, and the man placed his hand on Isobe's shoulder, stopping his forward movement.
"Isobe-kun," he said quietly. "We should be going."
Isobe shook his hand off. "Is that what you think?" he said, stepping up to stare Sai in the eye. "I'm the child meijin fourth time in row now. Someone like you couldn't possibly stand a chance against me!"
"Why don't we play, then?" Sai said quietly, not backing away.
A moment the two just stared at each other. "Fine!" Isobe spat out then. He turned to the man. "Arrange a board for us."
"Your parents are expecting…" he tried to say, but in vain. Isobe waved his protests aside.
"I want to play this girl now. I need to teach her a lesson."
"What is going on?" Sai heard his mother's voice from behind his back and hoped she hadn't heard what Isobe had just said.
"I'm going to play a game with Isobe-kun, mother," he said, turning to her.
She looked confusedly from her son to the other boy. "What? Now?"
"Yes," Sai said shortly. "I'm sorry mother, I really have to." She looked at him clearly not understanding at all what he was talking about.
"Well, if it is alright…" she said, hesitantly.
It was alright. The man in Isobe's company got someone from the go association to arrange a board for them in a side room. Sai was glad to see that even though their little quarrel had attracted some attention, there wasn't any audience allowed in. And no Ashiwara or anyone who knew him, which was relieving as well. He knew he was behaving a bit childishly and didn't want them to witness it. Bad enough that his mother was there, certainly wondering what he was up to and looking a bit at a loss – though he knew he was the only to see that. One needed to know her well to catch the emotions she didn't want to show.
He decided to put such things out of his mind for now. He had started this game so he would play it, and he was going to play for win. No teaching games for this kid – besides, Sai doubted the boy would even realize if he did that, or even if he did, he wouldn't ever admit it to anyone, maybe even himself. He had seen enough of Isobe's game to know the boy was still quite focused on territory. That was something he could easily use, and early on he started building his traps.
It was almost too easy. Being both angry and overconfident didn't help his opponent. Isobe made small mistakes in the beginning, small enough that against most opponents he usually played with they wouldn't have mattered so much, but Sai noticed them all and took advantage of them. Soon the boy was beginning to sweat a little, and there was slight blush on his cheeks. It didn't take long after that when Sai knew he had already won the game.
Isobe kept on playing even after he should have resigned, maybe in denial, maybe simply being too embarrassed to end the game so soon. Sai replied to his moves with unhurried air, and stone by stone the difference grew greater. Finally the boy hung his head down. "I've lost," he muttered so quietly Sai barely heard him.
Sai watched the boy, and the board in front of him, and all pleasure he might have felt for his victory suddenly evaporated. As a game, it had been quite pointless. He just hoped the boy had learned his lesson. At least he was shocked, still staring down at the board as if he didn't quite believe his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Sai said quietly instead of the usual 'thank you for the game'. "I told you I'm going to take the pro exam this year. I shouldn't have played like that." The wince on the boy's face told him saying that probably didn't help. "Thank you for the game," he finally muttered, and Isobe replied on autopilot.
Sai stood up and glanced at his mother. She read his look right.
"We really must be going now," she said. "Thank you for your time." She bowed her head a little at the few people in the room and nodded at Sai who followed her out.
Neither of them said anything as they walked briskly to the car waiting for them. They got in it and drove away in silence.
"You said to that boy that you're planning to take the pro exam this year," Sai's mother said to him as they were nearing home.
"Yeah." Sai blinked. It had been bit of a slip of the tongue. "I just… I know I probably can't, but still. I can't help thinking about it."
"Is that why you played that game?" Sai gave her a confused look, and she went on, "To show me what you've got?"
"No! Actually I was hoping you weren't there! I know I shouldn't have challenged him to a game, but he was just annoying me so much. Still, it was pretty low of me. And to win it like that…"
He turned to look out again with a heavy breath, feeling quite displeased with himself. His mother said nothing.
When they came home he suddenly remembered he had promised to call Hikaru long ago. He rushed to his room to do that call right away. This time it took a while for Hikaru to pick up.
"Finally!" the boy exclaimed. "What took you so long? Did you get stuck in the traffic?"
"No…" Sai sat on his bed and lay down on his back, his feet still hanging down. "I ended up playing a game against that boy who won the tournament."
"…really? Wow. So you won, right?"
"Right."
"You don't sound too happy about it. …Sai?"
"No, I guess I'm not." He proceeded to tell Hikaru everything about the game and why he'd played it.
"So why would you feel bad about it? Sounds to me he got what he deserved."
"I know. It's just… I hate it when a stronger player uses his skills just to make his opponent feel small, and that's pretty much what I did, isn't it?"
"Maybe, but it's totally different! You know, those assholes do it just so that they can feel good. You didn't right? So stop worrying about stupid things, you've got some real worries too!"
"Thanks for reminding me," Sai said dryly. Hikaru paused, and he could imagine the look on the boy's face as he went over what he'd just said.
"I, uh…"
"It's okay," Sai said with a laugh. "So, how about that game?"
"No time anymore, we're leaving soon. Maybe later in the night? We should be home before nine… mom, I have finished my homework already!"
.
They did play a game later that night, and another one, and would have played yet more but Hikaru's mother came to tell her son it was about time to start getting ready for bed. They said a good night, and Sai too headed to the bathroom.
For a long while he had had his showers quite quickly, trying to avoid touching his body as much as he could. Now, he did not hurry but washed himself slowly and thoroughly, deep in thought. After the shower he took a good look at himself in the mirror, something he hadn't done for a long time.
Now, within a relatively short time period, two separate people had assumed he was female. Well, it had happened before too, but at least with the shop assistant it had been excusable, given the misleading surroundings. But now, these two? Neither the taxi driver or Isobe had anything else on which to base their assumptions but his looks. It couldn't be just the piercings, he thought and stopped to wonder on that. Well, maybe the piercings had something to do with it, too – they might confirm to someone who was uncertain that he really was a girl. And the pastel-colored clothes he wore, too, in all shades of reds and lilacs… Maybe if he tried dressing more like Hikaru, maybe if he cut his hair and ditched the piercings… maybe that would be enough.
He didn't want to, though. He liked his hair, he liked his piercings, and he liked his clothes. Besides, that was just the external, what other people saw. He watched himself in the mirror, and he had to admit that what was underneath those clothes really didn't make things any clearer. With a sigh he took his towel from where it was hanging. Should he start that androgen therapy, in the end? After all these days, after talking with so many different people, he still wasn't sure. He smiled a little wryly, thinking about what his mother would say if she saw him – wouldn't she be shocked. He realized she hadn't seen him without his shirt since the last time he had been on a normal visit to doctor Akimoto… and that was ages ago. She didn't have a clue.
Maybe he should tell her. But, he thought, if his parents found out they would surely force him to start the androgen therapy. He thought about the people he had met at Shizuku no kai, the girl Miwako. She too had written of her life on the net site, under a fake name, and Sai had been shocked to read about it. Her parents hadn't asked her anything about what medication she wanted or didn't want; hadn't even told her what it really was for. Her bitterness was overwhelming. "It's not about whether I'm a girl or not, it's about not having any say," she'd said.
He headed to his bedroom, thinking he would sleep on it. You've slept quite many nights on it already, a small voice whispered to him.
"Then one more shouldn't matter," he muttered and called a good night to his parents.
.
The next days Sai did his best to just forget that silly game. He now found the whole thing quite embarrassing, and he was immensely relieved that most likely no one he knew would ever find out about it. He was pretty sure Isobe wouldn't be telling the tale, and even if someone did, the player who beat him would be a girl in that tale. Sai had already told Hikaru, but he decided that that was it, he wouldn't say anything about it to Akira or anyone else. He really wished he could just wipe it all out of his mind.
A few days later when he came home from school and went up in his room to do his homework, his mother brought him something little to eat. She was about to go, but paused yet at the door and turned to look at him with a small smile on her lips. "Your father is coming home earlier today," she said. "Come downstairs when he has had his tea. We have something to tell you."
Sai nodded, wondering what it would be this time. Again, certainly something his mother considered good news. He turned back to his math book with a little shake of his head. One could only hope.
He heard his father arrive and raised for a moment his head from the history text he had been reading. He glanced at his clock and decided he would give them half an hour, or maybe a bit longer.
After twenty-six minutes – despite his premonitions, he was curious – he arrived downstairs, finding his parents in the living room in a very familiar scene. For a moment he paused to wonder just how many of these talks they'd had since the beginning of the year… probably more than during his earlier life altogether.
His father nodded to him, indicating him to sit down too. At least this confirmed it wasn't about anything he had done. His father asked him how his day had been, he replied something noncommittal, and a while they just talked about this and that without really talking about anything.
Then his father cleared his throat and he sat straighter, waiting. "I have been talking with your mother," he said. "She suggested that we should let you attempt the pro exam this year."
Sai stared at him, wondering if he was dreaming. If so, he did not want to wake up.
"I thought you'd deserve at least one chance," his mother said with a smile.
"Just this one, though," his father added. "If you don't make it now, we expect you to forget all about this and focus on your studies."
Sai remembered finally how to breathe. "Yes!" he exclaimed and bounced up. He wanted to rush to give his father a hug, but managed somehow to get a hold of himself. "Thank you so much!"
"This one chance," his father repeated, picking up his magazine. "You should make full use of it."
"I will!" Sai was grinning so widely his mouth felt like tearing. He didn't know what could have possibly brought this on, and he didn't care, either. He bowed, bending double, before he bounced out of the room, leaving the man to his reading. His mother followed him.
"Thank you, mother!" Sai exclaimed when they were outside of the living room. Her he could hug, and he did. "It must be all because of you," he mumbled against her shoulder.
She gave a little laugh. "It did take a while to talk your father over," she admitted. "I think he agreed only because he thinks you won't make it," she said then more seriously as Sai released his grip of her. "I must admit that I mentioned to him it might be wisest to let you try now, as it is becoming obvious you're not giving up this dream, and as you grow older and better, your chances of passing grow as well… he agreed that it is best to let you try once now when, as he believes, you won't be able to make it yet."
"I'm not surprised." He gave her a small, little bit sad smile. "What about you, what do you think, mother?"
"I don't know." She looked troubled. "I… guess everything is possible. But…" She looked him straight in the eye, "are you sure about this?"
Sai nodded and returned her gaze unwaveringly. "Yes."
She sighed. "I hope I won't regret this some day," she said. "But you have your chance."
He gave her a bright smile and hugged her again. "Thank you, mother."
.
"Now it's for real," he said when he called Akira. "No stupid deals or anything. I can take the pro exam this year."
"Really? What happened?"
"I don't know, somehow I got mother on my side. She spoke with father, and they're allowing me to take the exam. It's 'this one chance', father said. Mother says he doesn't believe I'll pass. I think she's right."
"We know better," Akira said.
"Yeah." Sai grinned at the phone. "I can't wait! When can we sign up?"
"For the preliminaries… well, there's still over a month."
"I need to start practicing!" Sai exclaimed. "Play a lot of games every day!"
"I thought you are playing every day as it is," Akira said with a laugh.
Sai laughed too. "Yes, but I need to play more. Many, many games, every single day!"
"Shall we start tomorrow? Can you come over at the go salon after school?"
"I need to ask. Probably at least for a game or two. I need to take good care of school too – that's probably the only thing that might make father to break his promise."
"Of course," Akira agreed. He laughed again. Sai wasn't sure if he'd ever before heard Akira laughing so much. "It's just beyond awesome, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Sai settled once again down on his bed, looking at the ceiling, but this time he didn't see it. He stared straight through it to the coming autumn and pro exam, and smiled widely.
.
Hikaru was pretty much just as excited as Akira had been when he told him the news at school.
"Really? Wow, that's big news! When is it?"
"The preliminaries are in July, and the exam starts in August."
"Starts? How long does it take?"
"Oh, about two months." They were standing in a quiet corner of the school yard during a break, underneath the cherry trees. Sai leaned against one and looked up, at the last few flowers the tree still had. "It's a round robin tournament, everyone plays against everyone, so it will take many games to pass it."
"How many do you have to win?"
"More than others," Sai replied shortly. "The best three will pass."
Hikaru grinned. "So it'll be you, Touya, and some lucky sod." Then he sobered. "But isn't that pretty stupid? I mean, everyone plays against everyone? Does that mean that even if you lose all games and don't have any chance anymore, you still have to keep on playing?"
"I guess," Sai said. "I never thought about it… it must be a bit disheartening. I hope people will still do their best. I don't want to have any easy victories."
Hikaru gave him a look. "You're weird," he stated, gland briefly wondered how many times he had said that. "And awfully sure of yourself. You really don't think you'll have to worry about that, huh? Having to play on though you've already lost?"
Sai gave a small self-conscious laugh. "I… guess? I just… I'm going to pass. I know it."
"I know you're good. Real good, the two of you." Hikaru sat down next to him, also leaning against the tree. "I'm sure you'll both pass."
Hikaru sounded somehow strangely quiet, as if his excitement had already faded away, and Sai looked frowningly at him. He was just going to ask if something was wrong, when Hikaru waved his hand and looking up again Sai saw Akari.
"Guess what?" Hikaru said with a grin, so bright that Sai thought he had been mistaken, the boy was clearly completely himself. "Sai's gonna take the pro exam this year!"
"Really?!" Akari's eyes widened, and Sai found himself explaining to her all the things he had just finished explaining to Hikaru – not that he minded.
.
Hikaru watched his friends chatting about the pro exam, listening to them only with half an ear. So. It really would happen this year. Of course he had known Sai was serious about the pro exam and that if he just got the permission he would take it any time, but somehow he had still not quite believed that would become possible quite yet. Some day, when they were grown-ups. When his parents' opinions wouldn't matter so much anymore. Maybe Sai would study first, law or medicine or whatever his parents wished, and then… but not yet. He wasn't ready for it to happen yet.
Hikaru blinked at his thoughts. He wasn't ready for Sai to take the pro exam yet? Whatever did he mean by that?
He looked at his friend who was just explaining something to Akari, waving animatedly with his hands. Sai was going to be pro. He just knew it. Sai and Touya were going to be pro. He'd be hopelessly left behind. With only people like Akari to play with…
He wondered how busy go pros would be. Would Sai have any time for their games, between school and his career? Somehow he doubted that.
Sai and Touya would become pro.
He needed to do something.
The break ended and the three of them wandered inside, Sai and Akari still talking, Hikaru shuffling after them deep in thought.
.
When the bell rang in the end of the day, Hikaru was the first to rush out of his class. He found Sai in the corridor.
"Hey, I was thinking, how about going somewhere to play a bit?" he asked, somewhat out of breath.
"Oh, I…" Sai gave him an apologizing look. "I'm sorry, I'm going to Akira's go salon now. But you could of course come with me!"
"Nah, it's okay," Hikaru said, though the glum look on his face said differently. "Maybe tomorrow?"
"I… don't know." Sai was a little hesitant. "This is our last year of middle school, and I don't think my parents like it if I'm staying out playing go every day after school. And the day after tomorrow there's the study group, too… what about the weekend? We could spend some time together on Saturday?"
Sai gave him a hopeful smile, and Hikaru shrugged. "I dunno, maybe. I don't think I've got anything else then."
"That's…" Sai started to say, but someone cut them off.
"Fujiwara-kun," a voice said, and they both turned to look. Sai bowed his head a little to their math teacher.
"Good afternoon, Date-sensei," he said.
"It's good to see you're back, Fujiwara-kun," the teacher said. "We all were quite worried about you. I hope you're feeling better now."
"I…I am, thank you, sensei," Sai said, wondering briefly what kind of a story if any the teachers had been told.
The teacher gave him a long look. "It looks like you have had your ears pierced," he noted then. "I wouldn't want to start reprimanding you so soon after you have just returned, but I need to point out that our school doesn't allow piercings for boys."
"I know," Sai muttered, but something flashed in his eyes. "That's why I'm not wearing my earrings here."
"You do surely know that we except our students to behave properly also outside of the school grounds." The teacher smiled thinly. "As I said, I don't want to start reprimanding you right now, but you might yet get some trouble over this. It's highly surprising, though," he added as an afterthought. "I wouldn't have thought that you, of all our students… well." He smiled again. "Good to see you're back," he repeated, and went his way.
"Old fart," Hikaru muttered when he was out of hearing.
"Hikaru!" Sai snapped, but the fire in his eyes when he looked after the teacher made that reprimand seem not so genuine.
When he left from the school Sai was still fuming at the teacher's words – his ears and their state definitely wasn't any business of the school – but the closer to the go salon he got, the farther behind all angry thoughts were left. When he stepped into the go salon he was greeted by Akira who had the widest grin he had seen on his face.
"Is it really true?" Akira asked, and Sai nodded.
"Yes!" Sai's grin was at the very least as wide, and a while they just stood there grinning at each other like two idiots.
"Now, what's made you two so happy?" Ichikawa asked leaning against her counter and watching them amusedly.
Sai and Akira glanced at her and then to each other. Sai nodded a little, and Akira turned back to the woman. "We're both going to take the pro exam this year," he said, and Ichikawa straightened her back, eyes widening.
"Really? But that's wonderful!" She clapped her hands together, the epitome of joy.
"What is so wonderful?" a new voice asked.
"Oh, Hirose-san!" Ichikawa exclaimed at the man who just entered the salon. "Akira-kun and Sai-kun are going to take the pro exam this year!"
The man's eyes widened as well. "Finally! How we have been waiting for this, Akira-sensei!"
Soon the news was spread across the whole go salon, and something of a spontaneous celebration erupted, with the customers starting wild speculations of which of them would win their game in the exam, and who would be the third one to pass. Ichikawa offered everyone tea and refreshments, and general merriment took such levels that when new customers arrived they almost backed away again, thinking they had stumbled in the middle of some private party.
Sai's good mood seemed to be lasting. Even his therapist remarked on it. "I guess it's a bit silly," Sai said with a small, a bit embarrassed laugh. "It's not like all my other problems had just disappeared. But somehow… they just don't seem to matter that much anymore."
He did think it was silly, no matter what the therapist said, but even so, with the prospect of becoming a go pro everything else had suddenly become secondary. He would yet figure his life out. What's the hurry? Big things had to be considered carefully and over time. And what came to his silly worries about in which league to play… he was legally male, so of course he'd play among men.
On Saturday he went over to Hikaru's place. The boy's parents were away the whole day, so they had the house for themselves, and he had gotten permission from his parents to spend the night there. He really had a feeling they were indulging him, and though he didn't mind he wondered what was behind it. Maybe they were just trying to make him happier. Be that how it may, he was more than ready to grasp any freedom they offered him.
It was a bright, sunny day, and for once they didn't settle down by a go board right away when they met. "I promised mom we would watch the house," Hikaru said, "so I guess we can't go anywhere. But come here!"
He opened his window and climbed carefully out of it onto the porch roof. "C'mon!" he called over his shoulder as he sat down to Sai who was watching him with apprehension.
"Are you sure…"
"Yeah, of course! C'mon, I've been here many times. It's real nice when the sun's shining, like now." Hikaru lay down on the roof.
Sai took a ginger step on the roof, holding tightly to the window's edge. "I don't think your mother would be happy about this, if she finds out…" he said when he very, very carefully settled down next to Hikaru.
Hikaru grinned at him. "You can bet! But she won't find out. Unless," he raised his head a little to take a look at the street, "one noisy old hag of a neighbor happens to walk past and tell her."
"Don't talk about your neighbors like that, Hikaru," Sai said. "She was right to tell on you. This is stupid."
"This is fun!" Hikaru corrected him. "Shut up and relax."
Sai sighed and closed his eyes. True, the roof had become wonderfully warm in the sun, and the rays warming his face felt quite lovely. He stretched a little, lying there. Hikaru was right, it was nice. One could almost fall asleep there. He opened his eyes.
"What if you fall asleep and don't remember where you are when you wake up and get up too carelessly and fall?"
Hikaru snorted. "You worry too much. Stop it!"
"You worry too little," Sai countered.
"Whatever." Hikaru put his arms under his head and closed his eyes. "I know a way to stay awake. 4-14."
When they finally grew tired of playing blind go on the roof they returned back inside, Hikaru with a few quick steps, Sai crawling carefully. When Hikaru rolled his eyes at him he mumbled a bit defensively, "I don't like high places."
"Didn't know that," Hikaru said, giving him a hand. "But hey, this isn't even high! Even if you did fall, you'd probably just break some bones."
Sai gave him a look.
"I mean that you wouldn't die or anything," Hikaru went on. "Unless," he added thoughtfully, "you fell on your head or something, I guess. But most likely you wouldn't."
"That's helping a lot," Sai said poignantly when he stepped on Hikaru's bed that lay on the other side of the window. "Stupid."
"You liked being there," Hikaru said, and Sai shrugged a little.
"That's beyond the point! It's dangerous, you know."
"Whatever. What next? Shall we play more on the board, or maybe discuss some games?"
"You want to play more?" Sai was pleasantly surprised. Usually Hikaru preferred doing something else now and then, and not just play go all the time. Sai had been expecting that some computer games might be in the program sooner or later.
"Yeah," Hikaru said. "Why not?"
"Fine for me! Would it be okay for you if we replay this game I saw Touya Meijin and Ogata-san play once? I thought it was really fun – besides being a great game, but that goes without saying."
"Sure!" Hikaru gave him a strange smile and pulled away a pile of clothes that had been lying in a corner. Sai gave a gasp when he saw what was hidden underneath: a brand new go board.
"Hikaru!" he exclaimed and rushed to examine it. "You've got a proper go board!"
"Yeah," Hikaru said grinning at him. "Grandpa bought it for me. You know, he's nuts about go and totally happy about me playing. And I'm good enough to beat him now! At least… every now and then."
"Your grandfather plays go? Really?" Sai looked at him, eyes shining. "Could I play with him some day?"
Hikaru gave him a look. "Why would you want to play grandpa? But, yeah, I guess. I'm sure he'd be happy."
Sai just shook his head at Hikaru's talk. He moved the go board in the middle of the room. "Come, let's play first. I'll show you that game afterwards."
.
"It's so much nicer to play on a real board than on a small travel one," Sai remarked half-way through the game. "And you're really playing well today!"
"Thanks," Hikaru said. "You think we could reduce my handicap soon?"
"Hmm, maybe." Sai snapped a stone on the board. "If you keep on improving at this rate I'm sure we can."
Hikaru grinned and played his move. "Great!"
Sai clicked his tongue. "But you need to keep on concentrating for that to happen," he just said, and Hikaru looked down at the board, realizing he had made a mistake.
When the game was over Sai started replaying that game between the Meijin and Ogata, and Hikaru stared at the board with unwavering concentration. It seemed to Sai that the boy was sucking every word he said into himself, listening more keenly than ever before. He was pleased about that and didn't think much about it. It was just for the good if Hikaru truly set his mind on improving his go.
The day passed faster than they realized. It was only when Sai's stomach made a loud rumbling sound they realized they should eat something. After short conversation they decided to order pizza.
"I guess I could cook something too," Hikaru said. "The fridge is always full of stuff. But I like pizza and I don't like cooking."
"You can cook?" Sai asked.
"Sure, but it takes time and I don't care for it that much."
"Really?" Sai was genuinely surprised. How had he never heard of this before?
Hikaru grimaced. "Mom forced me to learn. It's not that hard, really. Just boring."
"There's one thing where you're definitely better than me, then," Sai said a little sadly. "I just can't cook, or bake. I tried once to bake a cake for my mother. I still don't know why it exploded in the oven."
Hikaru laughed at him. "I bet you're the kind who'd even burn boiled eggs."
"Probably," Sai agreed seriously, and Hikaru rolled his eyes.
While they ate their pizzas Hikaru kept on chatting about the games he had played online.
"You play pretty much online go nowadays," Sai said, and Hikaru nodded, mouth full of pizza.
"Yeah! It's great," he said once he managed to swallow. "There's some real good players there." Hikaru launched into an explanation of one particularly good game. Sai listened, partially interested, but also wondering.
"Say," he suddenly cut Hikaru off, "is something bothering you?"
"What?" Hikaru paused, blinking at him. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know, really." Sai gave a little awkward shrug. "I just… somehow it feels to me that there's something on your mind. Is there?"
Hikaru looked down at his pizza, giving Sai just a small glance. "It's not… it's just that… how good you think I am?" he asked suddenly and raised his head looking straight at Sai.
"How good?" Sai returned his look a little surprised. "Good. Definitely. You've already surpassed everyone in the go club, you know. I think you're almost on Kaga's level now."
"But how good is that?" Hikaru exclaimed. "Surpassed everyone in the go club, great! As if that were some kinda achievement! Even my grandpa thrashed me last time we played! I just want to know if I'm… if I'm…" He paused.
"Yes?" Sai asked, keeping his gaze nailed at the boy. "If you're what?"
Hikaru looked down again. "Good enough to pass the pro exam," he mumbled. "Some day, I mean. I guess not yet…"
"Definitely not yet," Sai said firmly. Hikaru looked up, a little offended, but then he saw the bright smile on Sai's face. "But, you know, Hikaru," Sai went on, and smiled even more widely, "I'm so happy you're thinking about that! Because, yes, I do think you definitely can some day pass the exam. At this rate, maybe even next year?"
"You think so?" Hikaru asked, brightening.
Sai nodded. "But it will take a lot of work. You will need to train a lot for that. Much harder than you have so far. I think… I think you could join the insei."
"The insei?" Hikaru thought he had heard that term before. "Aren't they some… go students?"
"Yes. They study at the Go Association, in order to become pro. You're not quite good enough to become insei yet, but I think… if we train a lot during the summer, you should be able to pass the exam in the autumn."
"You mean I'm not good enough even to be studying for the pro exam," Hikaru muttered.
"Not yet, I said," Sai said firmly. "But I fully believe you will be. And it's going to be so great, we all being pro together!"
"You're so optimistic," Hikaru stated quietly, watching his friend's shining face. "You really believe we all can make it, just like that."
"Not just like that, but yeah, I do believe it. Of course it's possible that there's someone really strong taking the exam this year, and that one of us wouldn't make it, but…" Sai shook his head. "That's not an option. I and Akira will become pro this year. And you'll come straight after us!"
Hikaru laughed, Sai boundless enthusiasm infecting him too. "I can't wait to beat Touya's ass in an official game!"
Sai rolled his eyes. "Is that why you want to be a pro?"
"It's an extra motivation," Hikaru said with a grin.
After a night of go (they had played really long, until Hikaru's parents came home and ordered them to bed) Sai felt somewhat drowsy the next day he was on his way home, but even so his steps were light. He was almost a little frightened at how happy he was feeling – certainly this couldn't last. Something awful had to be just behind the corner, waiting to bounce on him. But he arrived home to his mother who was preparing his favorite dinner, and to his father who was in a mellow kind of mood and started discussing with him an article about Heian age politics he had just read – that time period having for some reason always fascinated Sai.
It was such a good Sunday following a wonderful Saturday he barely could believe it to be real, but nothing happened to ruin it, and he went to bed for once feeling quite hopeful about the future.
Thank you for reading! All comments are warmly appreciated, as usual.
I was working on this fic for Nano one year, and it seems I had a slow day when I was writing this chapter. So the scene where Hikaru and Sai were on the roof had originally this in it:
"That's beyond the point!"
"What point?"
"It being dangerous! God, Hikaru, you know what I mean!"
"Maybe, but this way we get more words for our author, who's really being lazy today."
"Hikaru, stop being a brat and stop breaking the fourth wall," Sai said empathically.