Chapter 11

"Tomorrow, then," Akira said.

"Yes." Sai took a deep breath. July had passed, August had arrived, and next day the preliminaries were to start. There would be five games altogether, though he suspected they both would play only three, as three wins was enough to get them through the prelims.

His first game, on his path to become a pro. If everything went as it should, next year this time his career should be in full swing.

His career. Those two simple words were both terrifying and utterly exhilarating, now that they were becoming reality. Although, he reminded himself strictly, they would not become reality unless he passed the exam – starting with the game he would play the next day. Suddenly the idea of squeezed his stomach.

"Nervous?" Akira asked, rising his eyebrows at him. They were at Akira's go salon, and had just finished playing a game. Hikaru, Sai suspected, was at the Heart of Stone.

He laughed a little, trying to hide it. "A bit, I guess. It's just so incredible. It will truly start tomorrow!"

"I know." Akira took the last few stones from the board and closed the stone bowl. "But it's going to be simple for us, right?" Somehow he sounded like he wanted Sai's reassurance, watching him with dark, thoughtful eyes, and Sai nodded.

"Yes. It's going to be simple." Easy words, and in truth, he knew it would be easy to pass the preliminaries.

During the night before he barely slept. He told himself he shouldn't be so anxious about it – there was no way he wouldn't pass the preliminaries. In the end, one strong group of opponents would be missing there: the best of the insei. It would only be outsiders like himself and Akira, and the weaker insei. In fact, up until now he had been thinking about the preliminaries only as a necessary evil, something he'd have to go through. Five games. Three wins. It would be simple. There was no reason for him to lie on in his bed awake, dreading that first game. Yet he did.

The ceiling didn't look so very white in the dark. It was still too familiar. He remembered well those nights – and days – he had been lying there, in this exactly same spot in this exactly same position, staring at that exactly same view, while his life around him fell into pieces. He tried telling himself that now everything was going toward better. He was beginning to grasp what he was and what he wanted. And he could now take the pro exam. He would become a pro, there was no doubt about it.

…but maybe he should, in the end, begin that androgen therapy. He thought of his homeroom teacher, who knew. It took just one careless word from her, and his secret would be out. He didn't believe she'd do it deliberately, but how could he be sure? She might say something long after he had left middle school and would have already forgotten all about her. And there were all his connections to Shizuku no kai, and visits to the therapist and doctors. If he became as good as he imagined he could be, any strange rumors about him just might make the news. How would the Go Association react, if they found out? The divisions were divided by gender, after all…

It wasn't their business. He was legally male, that had to be enough to take care of any potential problems. But individual people, they would certainly have their opinions. He thought of the customers at the Heart of Stone. They seemed to be accepting enough of him – at least most of them. But there were those who still gave him long weird looks and didn't join the ones who followed his games. And they didn't even know what the matter was. He wondered what they thought his reason for not telling them the truth was. Most likely they assumed it was just some childish prank. Probably they thought he was a girl – much more likely a girl would want to pretend to be a boy than other way round.

If they thought it was the other way round, they must think he was quite weird.

He rolled over. Well, they were right about that, weren't they? And what about it, if he was weird? …maybe he should just tell them. But if he did… it would surely become open knowledge. There was bound to be some people who would tell their friends, who would tell their friends, and suddenly everyone would know.

What had possessed him to keep his gender a secret there? They would sooner or later find out he was a boy, at the latest once he became pro. And then, no matter what he'd told them, they'd think he was some kind of a freak.

He rolled over again. He had to sleep now. If he wanted to play a good game next day, he needed his sleep.

Maybe he should tell them. If he told them the truth and started the medication… then he could say that despite his condition he was what everyone considered a normal male. It would make everything so much simpler. Why not? Did it really matter that much, if that way he could get an easier, normal life?

In the morning when he dragged himself downstairs feeling like he hadn't slept a wink, he found those thoughts embarrassing. When had he become so weak? To sacrifice what he was for appearances? He ate his breakfast in silence. "Did you sleep well, darling?" his mother asked, and he just made some noncommittal sound as a reply. His mother probably thought he was already thinking of go, and so she left him in peace. Which was fine for him, he was much too tired for any chitchat.

His mother took the car with him to the Go Association where the games were held and wished him happily good luck when he stepped out of the car. He just nodded and walked in feeling heavy – his head, his feet… his heart too, he thought a little self-pityingly. He found Akira in the lobby where the boy had been waiting for him.

"Good morning!" Akira greeted him brightly, and he nodded drowsily.

"Morning."

Akira gave him a look, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and his expression that was not as excited as one might have expected. "Didn't you sleep well?"

Sai shook his head. "Awfully."

Akira's smile was a little sharp. "Well, I'm sure you won't have any trouble despite that. Shall we get in?"

Sai nodded and followed Akira into the room where they would play the games. Some people were there already, sitting on the floor by the walls, and they sat down too. After a while everyone else came in too and a man entered the room, welcoming them all. Sai, still quite dozy, didn't look at him too closely before his name was called and it was his turn to go to get his number that determined who he would play against. In fact, it was the momentary confused look that passed on the man's face that suddenly woke him up, and he realized that this man had been that staff member at the children's meijin tournament, who had arranged the board for his game against Isobe Hideki.

He took his number quietly, feeling his cheeks burn hot. There was no way the man wouldn't recognize him. As he returned quickly to his place by the wall he shot the man careful sidelong glances, wondering what he was thinking. He had to be surprised to see that someone everyone had thought to be a girl was actually a boy. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to Sai anymore, though, but instead just told them to take their places. Sai headed quickly to his board without even hearing Akira's quiet 'good luck' and sat down, wishing for a fast game so he'd get out of the room as soon as possible. He glanced at the clock. They both had two hours on their clocks – and there would be a break in the middle. It was quite unlikely the game would be over within the first half, so he would yet have to return to this place. And the man would most likely be there for the rest of the preliminaries, plus the actual two months long exam.

He sighed. Well, he could always say that Isobe-kun had mistaken him for a girl and he hadn't corrected him because he thought the boy would be embarrassed. Or something.

A young man sat opposite to him and gave him a nod, grinning. "Lucky me, getting a pretty girl as my first opponent!" he said, and the heat surged back to Sai's cheeks.

"I'm not a girl," he muttered.

His opponent blinked at him. "What? Are you kidding me?"

"Well, I'm not," Sai muttered. "And besides, even if I were a girl, your comment was totally unneeded and unprofessional." Sai glanced across the room and saw that there were a few women taking the test too. "I doubt any of them would have appreciated it."

The man gave him a long look, and Sai felt his blush deepening.

"We should…" he started to say, but the man suddenly cut him off.

"Do you on purpose mislead people?" he said, the frown on his face deepening into a scowl. "Your hair, piercings, everything about you… do you want people to confuse you to a girl?"

"I am what I am," Sai muttered. "And honestly, what about it? We're here to play a game of go! Why don't you concentrate on that."

"Oh, I shall," the man said, hotly. "Can't lose to some goddamn freak!"

For a short moment Sai met his eyes and looked then quickly down. He could hear his blood humming in his ears, felt his heart throbbing and palms turn sweaty. He looked down at the board and told himself to calm down, but his body wasn't listening. He'd never been able to deal with aggressiveness well and this time was no exception.

They were given the permission to start. Sai muttered a quiet onegaishimasu, but if his opponent said anything, he didn't hear it. He had black, so he grasped a stone and played it, taking a deep breath. Calm down, he repeated to himself. Or at least get angry. Even that would be better than this. But no matter how he tried, the cold, sick feeling deep within him didn't go away. It was his turn again, and without looking he could feel his opponent's eyes on him. He didn't even want to imagine what the man was thinking. Or the man overseeing their games, Shinoda-san, what came to that.

He considered saying he needed to go to toilet. He should get out of the room for a moment, he knew that. To calm down. Maybe even cry a little, if it helped him to get this tightness out of his chest. Still, unable to find his tongue, he played his move without a word. It would get better. Surely it would get better once he got into the game.

It didn't. Playing that game felt like trudging in a swamp. When they finally reached the break Sai stood up quickly and just walked away. He headed straight to the toilet and splashed there cold water on his face. Akira caught up with him there.

"Hey, how's your game going?" he started happily, but paused then. "…is something wrong?"

"I think I hate my opponent," Sai mumbled, face dripping with water. That was good, though, he thought – if he really started crying as he felt like, Akira wouldn't maybe notice it.

"What? Why? …hey, what's the matter with you?" Akira placed a hand on his shoulder as he leaned heavily against a sink, eyes closed.

"I just…" Sai sniffed and shook his head. "I don't know. I'm losing that game. I'm losing it and he's not even that good. I don't know why I can't… I just can't keep my thoughts together."

"You need to calm down," Akira said and gave his shoulder another pat. "Come, dry your face and let's go to eat something."

"I thought you wouldn't eat in the middle of the game," Sai mumbled as he followed Akira out of the toilet.

"I won't," Akira said. "But I think you should eat something. Maybe it will make you feel better."

"I kind of doubt that," Sai muttered, but still followed Akira to the cafe for a light lunch.

When the break was over, he did not feel better. Akira had tried to distract him during the break, but his thoughts kept on dwelling on the mistakes he had made during the game. He knew he should leave them behind and think what he would do next instead, but he couldn't reset his brain no matter how he tried.

He didn't continue playing for long. He knew he should still be able to save the game, but his thoughts were in such disarray that he couldn't even think what he needed to do. He just knew it would only get worse, and in the end it he decided not to drag it any longer. He resigned and left the room as soon as he could.

He could practically feel Akira's eyes on him as he walked out of the room, and he hoped the boy would just concentrate on his game and pay no attention to him. Outside he considered a moment what to do next. His mother had promised to come to pick him up once she'd be finished with her business downtown, but she wouldn't arrive yet for a while. He thought of just leaving – he could call her and tell her there was no need for her to come to pick him up. Somehow it felt a little too much like running away, and so he headed to the cafe again, into a corner form where he would see the people who left the place, and settled down to wait for Akira.

The boy was walking by sooner than he would have guessed, fingering his phone. Right then Sai's phone rang. "I'm in the cafe," he said into it, and waved his hand when Akira spun around, trying to see him.

"What on earth happened?" Akira asked, sitting down.

Sai shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't know. I just messed it up. Did you win?"

"Sure." Akira was watching him sharply. "Did that guy do something?"

"Not really," Sai sighed. "I think he's a bit of a jerk, but that's not… I just… had a bad day."

"Bad timing for a bad day," Akira stated.

"Yeah," Sai sighed.

"But don't worry about it, okay?" Akira leaned closer to him over the table, trying to catch his eye. "That was just the first game out of five."

This didn't cheer Sai up much. "I guess," he just said and looked down at this tea cup, where the tea had already grown cold. "What if…" he said, but didn't go on.

"What 'what if'?" Akira said a little angrily. "There isn't any 'what if' about this! You'll win the next game tomorrow, you'll see. Just make sure you rest well tonight. And stop thinking about that game, even if it's hard. Hey, how about we go somewhere to play a bit? Maybe that will help you get going again."

Sai shook his head. "No… but thank you. I think I'll go home. Mother will probably be here soon. And as you said, I really need to rest. I'm awfully tired."

"Alright. But if you want to play net go or something in the evening, just message me."

Sai nodded. They sat a while in the cafe, then he left his untouched tea on the table and went out to wait for his mother.

"How did it go?" she asked when he got into the car, but quickly deciphered his depressed expression right. "Oh, darling, don't mind it! It was just one game, it doesn't matter that much, does it?"

He gave a deep sigh and leaned against the seat, eyes closed. "I'm just so awfully tired," he muttered. "I didn't sleep at all last night."

"Oh, darling," his mother breathed again, patting consolingly his shoulder. "Surely tomorrow will go better. We'll make sure you'll rest properly tonight, right? Perhaps you should take one of my sleeping pills."

"No," Sai said shortly. "It might make me drowsy tomorrow. I'm so tired that I'm sure I'll sleep."

He did sleep better that night, though his dreams were quite restless, plagued with bits and pieces of that game, mainly of the points where he had made his worst mistakes. He kept on waking up every now and then, thinking he should have done this or that instead of how he had played, and it always took him a while to fall asleep again.

In the middle of the night he had a better dream, one in which he was playing with Hikaru. Still, the game didn't go as he wanted to, and suddenly he realized that the stones on the board were moving on their own, not staying where he put them. He looked at them more closely, and realized they weren't stones but ants. And then there were ants, everywhere. They came in through the doors and windows, and through little chinks in the walls he was sure hadn't been there before. Soon the floor was swarming with them, and he escaped on his bed.

He saw the ants climbing on each other, in a way he found vaguely disturbing. "Would you please not do that in my room," he said, but the ants didn't listen. Soon there were ants upon ants upon ants, and some were climbing up on his bed and on him too, and no matter how he was wiping them off there always came more.

He woke up feeling itchy all over. Sleepily he scratched his sides and his neck, and only when he realized there was something strange about even his fingers itching, he woke up properly and took a look. There was some reddish rash on his hands, and when he got up and checked himself, he saw that the same rash had spread pretty much all over. The itching was just awful. "Oh great," he muttered, and went to wake up his mother.

"Are you stressed over the exam, darling?" his mother asked, rummaging the medicine cabinet. "That could be psychosomatic. Ah, here it is!" She took out a little tube. "And this as well… take one allergy pill." She gave the pills to Sai and opened the tube. "Now, if you take off your shirt, I'll…"

"No need!" Sai said and swallowed hurriedly one pill. "I'll do it myself. I need to… put it everywhere."

"But you can't reach your back…"

"I can. Well enough." Sai basically chased her out of the bathroom. "I need to use the toilet too now that I'm here."

That was close, he thought as he closed the bathroom door. He took off his pajama shirt and grimaced at the red rash that covered his chest and stomach. From the feel of it, his back wasn't much better, and there was some also on his arms and legs. He started spreading the salve all over himself and figured he did get it pretty much everywhere. After pulling the shirt back on he used yet the toilet, just because he had said he would, and headed then to bed.

"Night," he muttered to his mother who had been waiting for him.

"Good night, darling," she said quietly.

Next day Akira gave him an encouraging smile, and he tried to smile back, not wanting to make the other worry about him. He was still drowsy and felt a little sick. At least the rash had disappeared during the night.

This time too he played against an older man, this one most likely already approaching the 30 years age limit. He too seemed to be giving him a long, strange look, though Sai told himself he was being oversensitive and imagining things. At least the man said nothing, just introduced himself.

"Kadowaki," he said shortly with a little nod. Sai introduced himself too, and without further talk they started the game.

Sai realized soon that this man was much better player than his previous opponent. It just figures, he thought with a sinking feeling. He had hoped for an easy game, but no such luck. He needed to win today, after the previous day's disaster. He winced a little, thinking about that game. How could he ever play like that?

When they started the break, Kadowaki had a clear lead. He didn't want to confess this to Akira, but had no choice.

"Sai," Akira said emphatically when they were sitting in the cafe. "Snap out of it! You must stop thinking about that yesterday's game, you know that!"

"I'm not thinking about it," Sai tried to say, but knew Akira could see the truth on his face.

"Alright, here's what we do. A round of blind speed go. 4-16."

"What?"

"4-16!"

"4-4…"

Akira was ruthless in that game. He didn't pause to think, and his fast responses urged Sai to declare his moves faster all the time. He didn't even notice when it happened, but soon he was fully concentrated on that game, his might speeding ahead, trying to think all the possible ways the game could proceed before Akira would figure them out.

In the end he won by two and a half moku.

Akira shook his head. "See? Play like that!"

"Speed go, you mean?" Sai asked with a little laugh.

"If that's what it takes," Akira said seriously. "But I meant… with flow."

Sai did start the game with new confidence when they continued it. Kadowaki had a lead, but not an impossible one, and he knew he had a chance to catch up. Unfortunately he was faced with a good opponent, one who didn't make mistakes, and he ended up losing with half a moku.

When the game was over he just sat there, staring at the board feeling as if all energy had been drained out of him. He didn't realize that Kadowaki too had been sitting there, before the man spoke up.

"What a game," the man said, sounding a little breathless. "If you'd played like that from the beginning the result would have been quite different."

"I know," Sai said with a deep sigh.

"Was that your first loss?" Kadowaki asked, and raised his eyebrows when Sai shook his head. "Really? Well, then I can just wish you good luck for the rest of your games. Shame if you won't make it."

He stood up. Sai sat there still a moment, and left then. This time he did his best to avoid Akira on his way out, and managed to reach the car without running into him. To his surprise he saw his mother again in the car. "I don't want to talk about it," he said shortly, and his mother closed her mouth and said nothing, just nodding to the driver to take them home.

When they were driving away his phone rang. He glanced at it and saw it was Akira, but he didn't want to talk with anyone right then. He turned the phone off and pretended he didn't see the look his mother gave him.

It was all because of that stupid game the day before. His mind started again going it through, one mistake after another. If he had won it like he should have, he could have won against Kadowaki-san, too. And at the worst, he'd have only one loss now. But now… it was nigh hopeless. Maybe he truly wasn't ready yet.

Home, he closed himself in his room and didn't move from there though his mother tried to tempt him with his favorite delicacies. A little later she came knocking again. "I told you to leave me in peace!" he just called angrily, curled up on his chair, not even looking back.

"Dream on!" someone said and marched into the room. Sai blinked when he saw Hikaru.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, confused.

"What do you think?" Hikaru stopped in front of him, hands on his hips. "Touya called me," he said. "Told me you're in a slump. Care to tell me what happened? These preliminaries were supposed to be a piece of cake for you!"

"Yeah." Sai looked down again. "I just… I don't know. I'm not even sure anymore what I really want, and it's all so difficult to be a go pro when you're like me, and I'm not really sure what I should do."

"What?" Hikaru stared at him as if not understanding a word he had said. "What do you mean, you don't know what you want? Being a go pro is all I've ever heard you dreaming about! And what the hell does anything else have to do with that?!"

"I don't know," Sai confessed. "But it might… complicate things later. I mean, if everyone will find out about me, and…"

"Complicate things!" Hikaru exclaimed. "Everyone finding out? God, I didn't know you could be such an idiot! What are you going to do, hide in a box? If there will be trouble later, then we'll deal with it then! Now the trouble is that you're about to fail even before the pro exam starts, and you said this is your only chance! So get a grip already! What's your dad gonna think if after all talk about how you're sure to pass you'll just lose all your games in the preliminaries and won't even make it into the exam?"

Sai just watched him miserably without saying anything.

"Okay, then," Hikaru said gruffly when it became obvious he was getting no answer. "Where's your go board?" He located it in a corner and took it in the middle of the room. "How about you show me that game from yesterday."

Sai didn't move from the chair where he was huddling. Hikaru sat down by the board. "C'mon, now! I'm not going before you do this."

With a deep sigh Sai got up and shuffled to the board. "Why do you want to see it?" he mumbled.

"You've always make me show you my bad games," Hikaru pointed out. "Because I could 'learn from them'. So, maybe you can too. And if it's still troubling you, maybe it'll help you to move on."

"Maybe." Sai didn't sound overly confident, but started placing stones on the board while Hikaru watched in silence. After a while Sai hesitated a little. "Here," he said then, placing down a stone, "here's when it started going real bad."

"Oh?" Hikaru watched the board hard. "Why? I mean, I wouldn't have played there, but I don't think that's bad?"

"Where would you have gone?" Sai asked, and Hikaru tapped the board slightly.

"Here."

"Hmm…" Sai gave it a thoughtful look. "I didn't think of that. It's not perfect – I think the best thing to do in this situation would have been to strengthen this group here – but it's not bad. Better than my move anyway. Look how it went."

"Oh," Hikaru said after a while. "I see… but you could still save that, couldn't you? If you played here, and…"

"Yeah, but I didn't. I went here."

Hikaru grimaced. "Wow. I actually saw something you didn't? I kinda feel I should be proud of myself, but…"

"I know," Sai said with a sigh. "But hey, I'm really glad you did see that! I just don't know what I was thinking. I guess I just wasn't thinking."

"I have those days pretty often," Hikaru said in all seriousness, and Sai laughed out loud.

"I know," he said with emphasis, and Hikaru gave him a glare.

"Then it went from bad to worse," Sai said, returning to the game. He played on, and Hikaru shook his head as he reached the end.

"To be a game played by you, that really sucked," he said.

Sai snorted. "Thank you for your helpful analysis," he said dryly.

"I mean, I'd have beaten you there! Like this part, this move by your opponent was okay, I guess, but I think I could have done even more, playing here and here instead, see?"

Sai had been glaring at him but turned now thoughtfully to the board. "Perhaps," he said. "But if I had played here, I don't think it would have worked."

"Maybe, but the way you were playing then you wouldn't have noticed that!" Hikaru exclaimed and got another glare.

"Maybe," Sai admitted then. "But you had an interesting idea there. How about we try it out?"

"Sure!"

Sai cleared the board and placed then the stones back on it up until that point. They started playing from there, Hikaru taking his opponent's place. Sai was pretty sure he knew where the boy was aiming at with his move and didn't believe it would work in the end. Just a few moves into the game Hikaru surprised him, and he paused, hand already grasping a stone, and gave a little laugh.

"What are you up to now?" he muttered, eyeing the move curiously. He let his hand return to his lap – he needed to think this through carefully.

The game got quite a different turn from there on. Hikaru had a big lead because of Sai's bad start, and his plan wasn't a bad one, Sai realized happily once he had figured it out. It made things tougher for him, but he could see a path past the rocks Hikaru was piling on his way. He did manage to pull a three and a half moku win in the end.

Hikaru was grinning at him when the game was over. "That was fun!"

"Yeah." He smiled back at the boy, though a little mournfully. "I wish I'd played like that then."

"Say that!" Hikaru exclaimed. "Why didn't you? That was so stupid!"

"Do you think I don't know that?" Sai snapped back. "I was… I don't know. Somehow I'd just spent the night worrying, and I was so tired I could hardly think straight. And then that guy… was pretty rude and he got me ruffled, and also, you know, Shinoda-san who's supervising the test also happened to be there when I played against Isobe-kun, and he must have recognized me and I don't know what he's thinking – I mean, he must find it quite weird how I was then supposedly a girl and now I'm not… and…"

"Sai," Hikaru managed to put in when he paused to draw breath, "What does it matter what he thinks?"

"I… don't know. But… don't you ever worry about what people think about you?"

Hikaru was quiet a moment, watching into the distance with a thoughtful look on his face. "Nope," he said then.

Sai gave him a look. "My bad for asking a stupid question, I guess," he said. "Seriously, I think you should start paying at least a little bit attention to that."

"What, so that I could freak out before an important game and lose it too?"

"No!" Sai's cheeks turned a little red. "What I mean is that you should think a bit more about others, and not just… oh, forget it. I guess you're right too. I shouldn't care about others quite that much. I know it! But it's not that easy! You know, it's simple for you to be what you are because you're pretty much the archetype of what everyone thinks is a normal boy so, so even if you do something stupid, people will just say boys will be boys or something stupid like that, but if I catch someone's attention they'll think I'm a freak, and… and, you know. It's not easy."

Hikaru was just staring at him. Then he blinked. "I'm… an archetype? What?"

"Well, you know. Kind of. You're what people expect boys to be like. Except for being such a go maniac, I guess."

"I really don't know what you're talking about," Hikaru said, watching him as if there was something strange on his face. "Besides, since when have you thought that there's something weird about being a go-maniac? I mean… uh, whatever! Why don't we just play? That usually helps, doesn't it?"

"Fine for me," Sai said smiling. "You're right, a good game is the best cure."

...

Akira was waiting for Sai when he arrived to the Go Association next day, and he grimaced inwardly at the boy's expression.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly before Akira was could open his mouth. "I was going to call you last night, but time just flew by when I replayed some games I'd been playing with Hikaru, and then it was so late I was afraid I might wake you up…"

Akira's face softened a little. "At least Shindou did call me when he came back home. I'd made him promise he would. Did you sleep better this night?"

"Yeah." Sai nodded. "It took me a while to fall asleep, but once I did, I really slept tight. But… why did you ask Hikaru to come? I mean, you could have done it yourself."

"I just had a feeling he might cheer you up better," Akira replied with an awkward move of his shoulders. "He seems to be good in that. But it's really just that he called me after he couldn't reach you, and it just crossed my mind when we were talking."

"You're right about that, Hikaru's good in that. When he's not driving me mad, that is." Sai smiled a little. "But don't worry, I'm going to win rest of my games. That's a promise."

"You'd better keep it," Akira said as they walked in.

Sai's opponent this day was a girl, maybe about his age or a little older. He thought she might probably be an insei. She seemed nice, and he was a little sorry for her when they started their game. Sorry, but I'm going to win this, he thought to himself. There's no other option.

He did win, clearly, though the girl played a good game. "Thank you for the game," Sai said once it was over, and he did mean it. The girl nodded her head and returned his thanks.

"You're really good," she said. "Are you in now?"

Sai shook his head a bit sadly. "This was my first win."

Her eyes widened a little. "There's got to be some really good players here, then!"

"There are some," Sai admitted. "But I mainly lost those two games because of my own stupidity. What about you?" He got suddenly worried over her – what if she too had needed to win this game?

"I'm okay," she said. "I won my first two games. I got lucky with the first one, it was against another insei, one I usually beat, so it was easy to play against him. And the second guy really was no good at all."

Sai smiled. "Good luck for your next game, then. I hope you'll win it."

"Thanks." She smiled too. "You'd better win your games too – it'd just be wrong if I pass the preliminaries and you won't. Though of course… not having you in the pro exam would be just good for the rest of us, so maybe I shouldn't wish you too much luck!"

She grinned and Sai laughed out, and they cleared the board. Their game had been faster than Akira's, so after nodding a goodbye to the girl, Sai went to the cafe to wait for his friend. When Akira arrived, looking a little vexed, he saw right away from Sai's expression that there was no reason to worry.

"Won?"

"Won," Sai nodded. "And you?"

"Me too."

Sai grinned widely. "Great! So that means you're done with the preliminaries!"

Akira nodded. "And you still have two games to win," he stated.

"Don't worry," Sai said, his face turning serious again. "I'll win them."

And he did. Two days later Sai, Akira and Hikaru gathered at Akira's go salon. They went to that little backroom where Akira had once shown Hikaru the intersex articles he had been reading, and also played his first net games with Sai. Ichikawa brought them tea and snacks, and they toasted with the tea cups.

"To the pro exam!" Akira said, raising his cup.

"That we're going to own!" Sai exclaimed.

"I so wish I could take it too already," Hikaru said, clinking his cup with theirs.

"It would be absolutely perfect if we could all pass at the same time," Sai said. "I wouldn't mind waiting a year for you, Shindou! But I'd better take it now that I got my chance."

"Besides, it wouldn't be fair if we took all the spots, would it?" Akira said lightly. He seemed to be in extraordinarily good mood, smiling more than Sai ever remembered seeing before. "Now we're giving others a chance too!"

"That's true!" Sai said.

"It's still pretty tough," Hikaru pointed out. "If you two pass, there's only one free spot for someone else."

"Not if," Akira corrected him. "When." He and Sai clinked their cups again. "I hope you're done with your meltdowns," he added to Sai who grimaced slightly.

"I try, okay? I don't know what happened. But I'll do my best from now on." He sipped his tea a little. "That man I first played passed the preliminaries too, you know. I'm going to play him again in the pro exam."

Akira watched him quietly over his tea cup. "Is that going to be a problem?"

Sai gave him a little surprised look. "No! I was just thinking that it's great I'll get a chance for revanche."

Akira nodded. "Good. That's the right attitude!"

"We have one month until the exam starts," Sai said. "We need to train as much as we can during that time."

"Me too," Hikaru said. "Though I've got, what, five months till my exam?"

"Something like that," Sai agreed, and Hikaru grimaced.

"That sucks! Why don't they have that stupid exam earlier?"

"They had one in the beginning of summer," Sai said calmly over his tea. "But I don't think you were yet good enough to pass. In December you will be. And then you've got over half a year to practice among the insei to pass the pro exam next year. It's perfect."

"If you say so…"

"You'll probably like it among the insei," Akira said. "And then there's the Young Lions' Tournament, too."

"Yeah!" Sai perked up visibly.
"What's that?" Hikaru asked.

"I didn't even come to think of that! It's going to be so much fun, Hikaru!" Sai's eyes were literally shining. "That tournament is a competition between the best insei and young pros. We might get to play in it, officially!"

"That is," Akira put in, "if he manages to make his way among the top sixteen of the insei."

"That is," Hikaru said a little hotly, "if you manage to pass the pro exam."

Something flashed in Akira's eye. "I'm sure we'll all make it," Sai put in hurriedly. "It would be great if you would play one of us in that tournament, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah," Hikaru said calming down a little. "Best insei and young pros, huh? It does sound good! We'd better all do our best!"

"Our best!" Sai repeated happily, saluting with his tea, and they all raised again their cups high, with happy calls of "ganbaru!"

A/N: Silly typos, part X: I think I'd mixed up here "this day Sai's opponent was a girl" and "Sai was facing a girl", and ended up with "this day Sai's face was a girl"... I guess it might vary daily? ^^;; (The girl, btw, was Nase, in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, I think I should be able to start normal Saturday uploads again, but this week's might be a bit late.

Thank you for reading!